even though I said I wouldn't -__- Again, I suck. Haha still complaining XP Though, I'm curbing it now.
Just been thinking a lot again. I was almost done with it. But I got to thinking again yesterday night. And again, I spent six hours awake in bed this morning, thinking about things. I wish there was a switch to turn off all this thinking.
And I'm home right now because no one else is. Hm.
Anyway, I never posted the movie list. So here it is:
Avatar [Dec 18]
Daybreakers [Jan 8]
I Love You Phillip Morris [Feb 12]
Nine [Dec 25]
Shutter Island [Feb 19]
The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus [Dec 25]
The Losers [Apr 9]
The Lovely Bones [Dec 11]
The Wolfman [Feb 12]
Valentine’s Day [Feb 12]
A Clockwork Orange
American Beauty
Antichrist
Armored
Be with Me (2005)
Blue Gate Crossing
Bound
Brothers
Carrie (2002)
Carriers
Clara’s Summer
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
District 9
Enchanted
Falling Down
G.I. Joe
Gamer
Golden Compass
Grace (2009)
Happy Together (2007)
Hard Candy
Homecoming
How to Lose Friends & Alienate People
Inglourious Basterds
Jennifer’s Body
Julie & Julia
Law Abiding Citizen
Love My Life
Matrix trilogy
Mulholland Dr.
New York, I Love You
Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
Nina’s Heavenly Delights
Ninja Assassin
Ocean’s Eleven; Ocean's Twelve; Ocean's Thirteen
Out of Season (1998)
Paris, je t’aime
Party Monster
Phonebooth
Poison Ivy (2002)
Post Grad
Red Doors
Role Models
Romeo + Juliet
Saw VI
Skinwalkers
Slaughterhouse-Five
Sleepwalking
Sorority Row
Star Trek
Star Wars series
Suicide Club
Swordfish
The Box
The Cake Eaters
The Chumscrubber
The Collector
The Death and Life of Bobby Z
The Final Destination
The Fourth Kind
The Invention of Lying
The Stepfather
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Tournament
The Wackness
The Yellow Handkerchief
Trapped
Turistas
Undertow
Watchmen
Welcome to the Rileys
What Just Happened
Where the Wild Things Are
Whip It
Whiteout (2009)
Wild Side
Yes Man
Zombieland
2012
8 femmes
9
I might watch some of these this week. I know Shiva wants to go watch Ninja Assassin, so that movie will likely be crossed off the list this weekend. Anyone else up for a movie? Ooh, maybe we can have those movie marathons this break.
Mm, yeah, so that’s all I have. Not much else to say. Gonna be home all day every day now. Well, almost.
And I’m sad because my brother ate the last Haagen Dazs from our freezer. No almonds D: !!
I feel like there’s something I should be doing, but I don’t remember what. So I’m just gonna watch a movie or read. Hope finals go well for everybody.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Last day of Fall '09
Yay.
This morning, I spent fifteen minutes in 35-45 degree weather, scraping quarter-inch thick ice off of the Avalon. It flaked like snow. My fingers ached. Even when I was in the warm car. My knuckles ached for about another ten minutes. Ahh...
Anyway, went to Physics. Did not take notes. Went to Philosophy. Last three group-led discussions. Final is due Monday at noon. A simple, single-paged, single-spaced paper. I'll do it tomorrow because I'm too tired to write right now. And I don't remember the last time I ever turned in any work that was single-spaced, hm.
Stuff that happened today: the attempted resurrection of Brian L's laptop, Brian's and my trip to Lee's Sandwich and the conversation that occurred, Samurai Champloo (interesting show), the arrival of Shiva's new netbook, QTIP meeting to which seven(?) persons showed up, a heated discussion between Brian and Rahul (fellow QTIP member) in Shiva's apartment, extended discussion about family between Rahul and me at the light rail, no Harrison to ride the light rail home with (that's a change).
Fun stuff. For the most part.
Teh.. This entry could be more interesting, more... I dunno... detailed? Just better. But that involves extra thinking. I can't do that now. Too much thinking already.
Anyway, don't know what I'm doing the rest of this week. I didn't tell Mother that today was the last day of class. She's asleep now, so I might tell her tomorrow. Depends on if I wanna be home tomorrow. Ahh, I feel bad -_- for not wanting to be home. I just don't know what to do. Except go on the computer. Or sit and think about stuff.
I dunno. I'll just waste time tomorrow somehow. I can manage that pretty easily.
Delete delete delete -__- I seriously am deleting so much stuff from these entries now. I don't even know what I'm trying to say with half that stuff I delete haha.
Such a boring entry. But it's here nonetheless. It will be balanced out by my less boring entries later.
Anyway, anyone wanna go ice skating at the Logitech ice rink this break? Lemme know. Maybe we can get a small group together to go. Or if someone is already planning on going, invite me :P
This morning, I spent fifteen minutes in 35-45 degree weather, scraping quarter-inch thick ice off of the Avalon. It flaked like snow. My fingers ached. Even when I was in the warm car. My knuckles ached for about another ten minutes. Ahh...
Anyway, went to Physics. Did not take notes. Went to Philosophy. Last three group-led discussions. Final is due Monday at noon. A simple, single-paged, single-spaced paper. I'll do it tomorrow because I'm too tired to write right now. And I don't remember the last time I ever turned in any work that was single-spaced, hm.
Stuff that happened today: the attempted resurrection of Brian L's laptop, Brian's and my trip to Lee's Sandwich and the conversation that occurred, Samurai Champloo (interesting show), the arrival of Shiva's new netbook, QTIP meeting to which seven(?) persons showed up, a heated discussion between Brian and Rahul (fellow QTIP member) in Shiva's apartment, extended discussion about family between Rahul and me at the light rail, no Harrison to ride the light rail home with (that's a change).
Fun stuff. For the most part.
Teh.. This entry could be more interesting, more... I dunno... detailed? Just better. But that involves extra thinking. I can't do that now. Too much thinking already.
Anyway, don't know what I'm doing the rest of this week. I didn't tell Mother that today was the last day of class. She's asleep now, so I might tell her tomorrow. Depends on if I wanna be home tomorrow. Ahh, I feel bad -_- for not wanting to be home. I just don't know what to do. Except go on the computer. Or sit and think about stuff.
I dunno. I'll just waste time tomorrow somehow. I can manage that pretty easily.
Delete delete delete -__- I seriously am deleting so much stuff from these entries now. I don't even know what I'm trying to say with half that stuff I delete haha.
Such a boring entry. But it's here nonetheless. It will be balanced out by my less boring entries later.
Anyway, anyone wanna go ice skating at the Logitech ice rink this break? Lemme know. Maybe we can get a small group together to go. Or if someone is already planning on going, invite me :P
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Confiding dreams?
For a long time, I've had a recurring dream, which became a recurring daydream. I don't have the dream as often as before, but it still comes to me from time to time. It's more of a daydream now though. I just don't know if it's a good or bad one.
I have a friend to whom I tell everything. Everything. Every action, every emotion, every detail. Everything. I can never see this friend's face. It's always blurred, like in the cop shows. Sometimes, I remember what I say in the dream. Sometimes, I just have the dream feeling that I said a lot or too much. Sometimes, the friend stays. Other times, the friend leaves :/
In my daydream, the friend has no face either. I don't know whose face I could use. I say a lot of things that no one knows. Sometimes, stuff that even I didn't know I knew.
The idea intrigues me, scares me, worries me. Only in my world would I divulge such thoughts. Only there would the words flow so easily. Only there...
I never finish my daydream. I don't know why.
Anyway, I feel like I've been prepping myself for disappointment. Disappointment in what, I do not know. But disappointment nonetheless. I've been continually disappointed. By what? Again, I do not know. But I just have that feeling.. It's like I'm expecting too much, and I know I won't get what I expect. Yet, I'm still expecting it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not explaining it completely; I don't really know how I could. It's just a feeling.
This morning, I woke up at 0630 as usual, but I didn't get up. I laid there for almost six hours, just thinking. I wish I would stop thinking. But I don't know how to make it stop. Or I feel like I know how, but I just can't do it. I'm not letting myself not think. It's like I want to feel this way.
Makes me think of the lyric: "Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity." Mm...
I miss apathy. I don't know how to go back to apathy. It was good then. I don't know how it is now.
Ooh, I'm pretty much caught up with "House" (except this week's ep) and "Heroes" (: Distractions. Not really good ones, but good enough. I need better distractions. Whatever happened to people confiding in me? Those were good distractions. I had focus then. I'm glad a few people still talk to me about important things, personal things. I just wish more people would; more distractions from myself.
Too much alone time now. Leaves too much time for me to contemplate.
Ahhh ok. No more, no more. No more of this. Happy happy happy. Or at least happier. I don't wanna bring you down. Though, I probably did. Sorry. Just letting out some of the thinking. Not much, but enough -nods-
Two more days of class. Then two days of finals. Then done! Can't wait... Maybe things will be better then. Maybe. Hmm...
I have a friend to whom I tell everything. Everything. Every action, every emotion, every detail. Everything. I can never see this friend's face. It's always blurred, like in the cop shows. Sometimes, I remember what I say in the dream. Sometimes, I just have the dream feeling that I said a lot or too much. Sometimes, the friend stays. Other times, the friend leaves :/
In my daydream, the friend has no face either. I don't know whose face I could use. I say a lot of things that no one knows. Sometimes, stuff that even I didn't know I knew.
The idea intrigues me, scares me, worries me. Only in my world would I divulge such thoughts. Only there would the words flow so easily. Only there...
I never finish my daydream. I don't know why.
Anyway, I feel like I've been prepping myself for disappointment. Disappointment in what, I do not know. But disappointment nonetheless. I've been continually disappointed. By what? Again, I do not know. But I just have that feeling.. It's like I'm expecting too much, and I know I won't get what I expect. Yet, I'm still expecting it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not explaining it completely; I don't really know how I could. It's just a feeling.
This morning, I woke up at 0630 as usual, but I didn't get up. I laid there for almost six hours, just thinking. I wish I would stop thinking. But I don't know how to make it stop. Or I feel like I know how, but I just can't do it. I'm not letting myself not think. It's like I want to feel this way.
Makes me think of the lyric: "Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity." Mm...
I miss apathy. I don't know how to go back to apathy. It was good then. I don't know how it is now.
Ooh, I'm pretty much caught up with "House" (except this week's ep) and "Heroes" (: Distractions. Not really good ones, but good enough. I need better distractions. Whatever happened to people confiding in me? Those were good distractions. I had focus then. I'm glad a few people still talk to me about important things, personal things. I just wish more people would; more distractions from myself.
Too much alone time now. Leaves too much time for me to contemplate.
Ahhh ok. No more, no more. No more of this. Happy happy happy. Or at least happier. I don't wanna bring you down. Though, I probably did. Sorry. Just letting out some of the thinking. Not much, but enough -nods-
Two more days of class. Then two days of finals. Then done! Can't wait... Maybe things will be better then. Maybe. Hmm...
Friday, December 4, 2009
"(500) Days of Summer"
Today was all right. A lot of thinking. Too much focus on stupid things -__- Couldn't distract myself from the thoughts, the feelings.. Fuckin gahh.. I suck >_<
9.XII.09 Edit: OMG!! Blogger messed up this entry D: There's a whole section missing right here -__- I don't remember everything I said. I started talking about the movie from the entry title, saying I could kinda relate, just a lil...
I've never been in love >_> but really strong like is close enough. You just get attached to someone, and they disappoint you in some way. Feels like you'll never recover. You don't know how to deal. You just don't know.
This movie makes me afraid to fall in love (if it will ever happen) XP It kinda just reinforced everything I've ever thought about love and relationships. Mm.. The ending was somewhat mood-lifting, yet not. I don't know. We should move on, but life isn't so simple, so quick, so ideal.
I feel like it's something I should fight. Don't succumb. Ever. No try, no fail, yeah? It's worked for me so far, I guess. How many missed opportunities? I've no idea. I don't (want to) care to think about them. Mm, maybe I haven't really tried. No, I haven't. I don't know if it's worth it, if I'm worth it. I don't seem to be. Not once. The Friend Zone is my comfort zone XP
^I don't know if you got much of that. That's ok. I didn't intend for you to do so anyway.
I have way more to say about this topic, but that's all you're getting XP
I didn't realize until today how difficult it is for me to really talk to anyone now. I told Shiva about the sophomore year thing. But I chopped up and shortened the story. Like whoa. If you remember the whole story, you'd be like "Wtf? What happened to this part of the story?? You always give so much detail!" Eh, I gave her the gist of the story haha. I haven't really told anyone the story in person, except Amy. But even she didn't get everything. Just the gist and some detail.
I really need to work on the talking-to-people-in-person part of my life. I thought I could talk about the past and be ok, but I can't. If I can't talk about the past like I thought I could, I can't talk about anything that's really important to me. I'll work on it, I promise. So many things I need to work on. It's just silence and blogging are so much easier. I don't know why XP
Just in case you're wondering, the sophomore thing was not my main preoccupation today. It was just one of many thoughts passing through my brain.
Ah, my shoulder hurts T-T Been sitting all day. I didn't lie down. Again. I need to remember to not stand or sit for so long. Ahhh. I nearly swerved the Avalon out of my lane because I got distracted by my shoulder haha. Whew, glad I'm still alive >_>
Grr. Why must pain be inevitable? Inevitable pain, teh.. I want to get away from it. If I stay away, I can't be hurt. Who deals with this kind of pain and comes back for more? Ah, courageous people. Or people who just don't pay attention to the pain. I'm too afraid. I'm always afraid. No wonder nothing good ever happens. Why's it gotta be like this? 'Cause I gotta let it be like this. Ah, always my fault. Always my fault. Too much, too fast, too hard. Too easy. In some way, it always is.
Haha I love how I don't make sense. I probably won't even understand half of this entry the next time I read it. It's how it usually goes.
Anyway, free weekend. Don't know what I'm doing. Maybe read, watch shows, movies. Probably not sleep. Haven't slept well in months >_> Wow, I've lied about my sleep a lot. Just realized I've been telling people that I sleep really well. Used to not be a lie. Must adjust. Ooh, yay, I get to cross an item off of my movie list :)
9.XII.09 Edit: OMG!! Blogger messed up this entry D: There's a whole section missing right here -__- I don't remember everything I said. I started talking about the movie from the entry title, saying I could kinda relate, just a lil...
I've never been in love >_> but really strong like is close enough. You just get attached to someone, and they disappoint you in some way. Feels like you'll never recover. You don't know how to deal. You just don't know.
This movie makes me afraid to fall in love (if it will ever happen) XP It kinda just reinforced everything I've ever thought about love and relationships. Mm.. The ending was somewhat mood-lifting, yet not. I don't know. We should move on, but life isn't so simple, so quick, so ideal.
I feel like it's something I should fight. Don't succumb. Ever. No try, no fail, yeah? It's worked for me so far, I guess. How many missed opportunities? I've no idea. I don't (want to) care to think about them. Mm, maybe I haven't really tried. No, I haven't. I don't know if it's worth it, if I'm worth it. I don't seem to be. Not once. The Friend Zone is my comfort zone XP
^I don't know if you got much of that. That's ok. I didn't intend for you to do so anyway.
I have way more to say about this topic, but that's all you're getting XP
I didn't realize until today how difficult it is for me to really talk to anyone now. I told Shiva about the sophomore year thing. But I chopped up and shortened the story. Like whoa. If you remember the whole story, you'd be like "Wtf? What happened to this part of the story?? You always give so much detail!" Eh, I gave her the gist of the story haha. I haven't really told anyone the story in person, except Amy. But even she didn't get everything. Just the gist and some detail.
I really need to work on the talking-to-people-in-person part of my life. I thought I could talk about the past and be ok, but I can't. If I can't talk about the past like I thought I could, I can't talk about anything that's really important to me. I'll work on it, I promise. So many things I need to work on. It's just silence and blogging are so much easier. I don't know why XP
Just in case you're wondering, the sophomore thing was not my main preoccupation today. It was just one of many thoughts passing through my brain.
Ah, my shoulder hurts T-T Been sitting all day. I didn't lie down. Again. I need to remember to not stand or sit for so long. Ahhh. I nearly swerved the Avalon out of my lane because I got distracted by my shoulder haha. Whew, glad I'm still alive >_>
Grr. Why must pain be inevitable? Inevitable pain, teh.. I want to get away from it. If I stay away, I can't be hurt. Who deals with this kind of pain and comes back for more? Ah, courageous people. Or people who just don't pay attention to the pain. I'm too afraid. I'm always afraid. No wonder nothing good ever happens. Why's it gotta be like this? 'Cause I gotta let it be like this. Ah, always my fault. Always my fault. Too much, too fast, too hard. Too easy. In some way, it always is.
Haha I love how I don't make sense. I probably won't even understand half of this entry the next time I read it. It's how it usually goes.
Anyway, free weekend. Don't know what I'm doing. Maybe read, watch shows, movies. Probably not sleep. Haven't slept well in months >_> Wow, I've lied about my sleep a lot. Just realized I've been telling people that I sleep really well. Used to not be a lie. Must adjust. Ooh, yay, I get to cross an item off of my movie list :)
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Yay, Internet
I don't know what I've been doing at home without Internet the past couple of days. A lot of reading, I guess.
But finally got DSL at home. Wooo.
Anyway, this week has been decent. Chillin' with people at school as usual.
Today (Thursday) was kinda long. Went to Physics and Philosophy. Don't know why I go to Physics, but I do. Hm, keep Lisa company haha. Philosophy was interesting (group-led discussions. My group went on Tuesday, fun stuff). After Philosophy, I was walking toward the library. Prof Giddings walked up beside me and told me I should be a Philosophy major, hmm.
Borrowed a laptop in the library, chilled with Albert. Made up the lab that I missed on Tuesday because I couldn't find it then. Albert showed me where it was :P Did the lab with Thanh G (my usual partner). Finished around 15h00. Went to Tully's in the MLK. Shared a sandwich. Went to the music building to listen to her play piano. I played "Happy Birthday" after several failed attempts at trying to remember the notes haha. I play by ear, you know :P Fun stuff...
Quick recap of the week:
Monday: I don't remember anything. Well, I remember that Tatiana and I practiced our routine a lil bit after some changes because we forgot our original routine XP
Tuesday: No Physics, so I chilled in Shiva's room. Went to Philosophy at 1030. Discussion, I said like two things, while David G (group member) did the rest of the talking. Our group was not prepared, for we did not communicate about the discussion beforehand. Well, I sent David a message on Facebook haha. And we used my topic suggestion (outsourcing jobs) :P But that's really all I contributed. David did all the research XP I feel so bad. Anyway, after Philosophy, went back to Shiva's. Chilled till 1330. Mainly I just sat there, while she worked on a paper. Then I went to Lab, but I couldn't find the room I was supposed to go to in Duncan Hall (people couldn't help me either). By the time I was half an hour late to the lab, I gave up. Went to the library and chilled with Harrison. Used his laptop for personal business :P Looked at the Bernal '07 yearbook :D Good times, good times. Talked about movies and random stuff. Spent a good fifteen minutes looking at stuff on Cute Overload XD like O-M-G I could die from the cuteness ^_^ haha.... Then we went to Burger King. Saw a rat :O Been hearing about them, but I hadn't actually seen one till Tuesday. Harrison touched it -___-He almost touched my face with that hand DX I would have cried. Ok, maybe not, but he would have been on the ground two seconds later if he had touched me. I made him use lots of hand sanitizer. After that, he went back to the library, and I met up with Shiva again. She was coming back from Safeway. Watched her stuff the fridge. Then chilled in her room again (I know I chill with her a lot. I'd chill with people this much if they were free to chill when I could). Good times, yeah. Left at 1830, so that I could go home with Harrison at the usual time. Don't want Mother to think I'm doing stupid shit or anything -_-
Wednesday: Dance final. 48/50. Mostly my fault. I got hella nervous, thinking about how we only practiced together twice. So I slipped up twice. Bah! I was doing so well, too ): Ah, whatever, I've got an A in this class. It's all good. Q&A was fun. Just sat around and talked. Played 13. Oh, Rahul gave me a HRC sticker. Too bad I don't have my own car to put it on XP
Blaahhh. I'm too tired to recall more details of the week. Just know that this week was pretty good, routine or not, but really slow compared to all the other weeks that have passed by. Though, Christine and Lisa told me this week passed by way quick for them :O I dunno, this week was kinda weird for me. Must have been the lack of Internet access XP Gave me too much time to think >_<
Today, I had "Replay" by Iyaz on repeat haha. How fitting. Catchy song :P
Man, I am so happy that I have Internet at home again. Seriously. I've nothing better to do. I really can only remember reading at home. And sleeping. Oh, and watching three DVDs. "The Chaos Experiment" was interesting, but I'm not sure I understand the ending. "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" was all right, kinda typical romantic comedy, not really that interesting. Not sure I like Matthew McConaughey's movies anymore, how sad. "In the Valley of Elah" depressed me ): but I liked it.
Mm, three days left, yay. Hockey final tomorrow. Don't know what I'm gonna do after that yet. Monday and Tuesday will be kinda long because I'll be wanting my classes to end quickly. No lab on Tuesday so I'll just be chilling on campus. Then not sure what I'ma do for the rest of the week. Finals weeks after. Then visit ST. Then again, don't know what I'ma be doing. I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm trying to fill in my time XP
But anyway, now, I must answer emails and messages haha. Fun stuff. Bad compulsions, I know.
But finally got DSL at home. Wooo.
Anyway, this week has been decent. Chillin' with people at school as usual.
Today (Thursday) was kinda long. Went to Physics and Philosophy. Don't know why I go to Physics, but I do. Hm, keep Lisa company haha. Philosophy was interesting (group-led discussions. My group went on Tuesday, fun stuff). After Philosophy, I was walking toward the library. Prof Giddings walked up beside me and told me I should be a Philosophy major, hmm.
Borrowed a laptop in the library, chilled with Albert. Made up the lab that I missed on Tuesday because I couldn't find it then. Albert showed me where it was :P Did the lab with Thanh G (my usual partner). Finished around 15h00. Went to Tully's in the MLK. Shared a sandwich. Went to the music building to listen to her play piano. I played "Happy Birthday" after several failed attempts at trying to remember the notes haha. I play by ear, you know :P Fun stuff...
Quick recap of the week:
Monday: I don't remember anything. Well, I remember that Tatiana and I practiced our routine a lil bit after some changes because we forgot our original routine XP
Tuesday: No Physics, so I chilled in Shiva's room. Went to Philosophy at 1030. Discussion, I said like two things, while David G (group member) did the rest of the talking. Our group was not prepared, for we did not communicate about the discussion beforehand. Well, I sent David a message on Facebook haha. And we used my topic suggestion (outsourcing jobs) :P But that's really all I contributed. David did all the research XP I feel so bad. Anyway, after Philosophy, went back to Shiva's. Chilled till 1330. Mainly I just sat there, while she worked on a paper. Then I went to Lab, but I couldn't find the room I was supposed to go to in Duncan Hall (people couldn't help me either). By the time I was half an hour late to the lab, I gave up. Went to the library and chilled with Harrison. Used his laptop for personal business :P Looked at the Bernal '07 yearbook :D Good times, good times. Talked about movies and random stuff. Spent a good fifteen minutes looking at stuff on Cute Overload XD like O-M-G I could die from the cuteness ^_^ haha.... Then we went to Burger King. Saw a rat :O Been hearing about them, but I hadn't actually seen one till Tuesday. Harrison touched it -___-He almost touched my face with that hand DX I would have cried. Ok, maybe not, but he would have been on the ground two seconds later if he had touched me. I made him use lots of hand sanitizer. After that, he went back to the library, and I met up with Shiva again. She was coming back from Safeway. Watched her stuff the fridge. Then chilled in her room again (I know I chill with her a lot. I'd chill with people this much if they were free to chill when I could). Good times, yeah. Left at 1830, so that I could go home with Harrison at the usual time. Don't want Mother to think I'm doing stupid shit or anything -_-
Wednesday: Dance final. 48/50. Mostly my fault. I got hella nervous, thinking about how we only practiced together twice. So I slipped up twice. Bah! I was doing so well, too ): Ah, whatever, I've got an A in this class. It's all good. Q&A was fun. Just sat around and talked. Played 13. Oh, Rahul gave me a HRC sticker. Too bad I don't have my own car to put it on XP
Blaahhh. I'm too tired to recall more details of the week. Just know that this week was pretty good, routine or not, but really slow compared to all the other weeks that have passed by. Though, Christine and Lisa told me this week passed by way quick for them :O I dunno, this week was kinda weird for me. Must have been the lack of Internet access XP Gave me too much time to think >_<
Today, I had "Replay" by Iyaz on repeat haha. How fitting. Catchy song :P
Man, I am so happy that I have Internet at home again. Seriously. I've nothing better to do. I really can only remember reading at home. And sleeping. Oh, and watching three DVDs. "The Chaos Experiment" was interesting, but I'm not sure I understand the ending. "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" was all right, kinda typical romantic comedy, not really that interesting. Not sure I like Matthew McConaughey's movies anymore, how sad. "In the Valley of Elah" depressed me ): but I liked it.
Mm, three days left, yay. Hockey final tomorrow. Don't know what I'm gonna do after that yet. Monday and Tuesday will be kinda long because I'll be wanting my classes to end quickly. No lab on Tuesday so I'll just be chilling on campus. Then not sure what I'ma do for the rest of the week. Finals weeks after. Then visit ST. Then again, don't know what I'ma be doing. I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm trying to fill in my time XP
But anyway, now, I must answer emails and messages haha. Fun stuff. Bad compulsions, I know.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Six days of classes left this semester...
Plus, two days of finals. Then I am done. Can't wait.
Dance final might happen on Wednesday. Apparently, Oscar's gonna choose randomly who goes. Tatiana and I forgot our routine today XP So a bit of rearranging was in order. Still got a good routine. Though, we haven't practiced with the music D: So I don't know how off-beat we're gonna be. We were supposed to practice today after class, but we got distracted with her trying to find outside dance classes to go to within the next week. I think she's going to the place where Ariane's crew practices, I'm not sure.
Oh, this weekend, I think Autumn said there was gonna be a going-away party for Grant. Not sure yet. But yeah, I wanna go. Haven't seen Grant in quite a while. Can't believe he's going into the Air Force. So many people going into the Air Force. Most of them I don't know well, but still. Just so many. I'm proud of them though. I'd go for the military if I had the physical capacity XP and the courage to defy "family obligations" >_> haha... ahh, so if the party is happening, we should go! Support the troops! Yeah!
Anyway, my Internet died last night. Right before I was gonna answer Facebook messages -_- I spent all night and this morning fretting. Bah! I should have gotten those people's phone numbers. I should call people instead of relying on the Interwebz, but you already know I don't like talking on the phone XP If I offer to talk to you on the phone, it must mean I really like you, or you're just very useful to me muahahaha. Also, we only have a 700-minute plan now, split between four phones, with Brother using up at least 500 of those minutes already. So yeaah, doesn't really work. This is why everyone should switch to Verizon and get texting :P Or I should get a job and switch over to AT&T, since that's what most people seem to have -_-
Eh, I'm straying... so we canceled Comcast cable and added AT&T Internet. No more illegal Internet hook-ups XP But I won't have Internet at home until Thursday at the earliest. So I will probably mooch off of other people's Interwebz for the next three days. Like I am now (at D's). I find it sad that I'm obsessing about this. I thought I could live without the Internet. Maybe during breaks. But not during the semester. I hella need to check for professor emails and stuff that includes Facebook messages >_< It's so sad. I feel pathetic.
Haha I realize I still do everything online despite not having Internet at home. Oh, I am soo using people this week :P I shall repay them. In hugs and stuff. I don't know what stuff, but something.
Dance final might happen on Wednesday. Apparently, Oscar's gonna choose randomly who goes. Tatiana and I forgot our routine today XP So a bit of rearranging was in order. Still got a good routine. Though, we haven't practiced with the music D: So I don't know how off-beat we're gonna be. We were supposed to practice today after class, but we got distracted with her trying to find outside dance classes to go to within the next week. I think she's going to the place where Ariane's crew practices, I'm not sure.
Oh, this weekend, I think Autumn said there was gonna be a going-away party for Grant. Not sure yet. But yeah, I wanna go. Haven't seen Grant in quite a while. Can't believe he's going into the Air Force. So many people going into the Air Force. Most of them I don't know well, but still. Just so many. I'm proud of them though. I'd go for the military if I had the physical capacity XP and the courage to defy "family obligations" >_> haha... ahh, so if the party is happening, we should go! Support the troops! Yeah!
Anyway, my Internet died last night. Right before I was gonna answer Facebook messages -_- I spent all night and this morning fretting. Bah! I should have gotten those people's phone numbers. I should call people instead of relying on the Interwebz, but you already know I don't like talking on the phone XP If I offer to talk to you on the phone, it must mean I really like you, or you're just very useful to me muahahaha. Also, we only have a 700-minute plan now, split between four phones, with Brother using up at least 500 of those minutes already. So yeaah, doesn't really work. This is why everyone should switch to Verizon and get texting :P Or I should get a job and switch over to AT&T, since that's what most people seem to have -_-
Eh, I'm straying... so we canceled Comcast cable and added AT&T Internet. No more illegal Internet hook-ups XP But I won't have Internet at home until Thursday at the earliest. So I will probably mooch off of other people's Interwebz for the next three days. Like I am now (at D's). I find it sad that I'm obsessing about this. I thought I could live without the Internet. Maybe during breaks. But not during the semester. I hella need to check for professor emails and stuff that includes Facebook messages >_< It's so sad. I feel pathetic.
Haha I realize I still do everything online despite not having Internet at home. Oh, I am soo using people this week :P I shall repay them. In hugs and stuff. I don't know what stuff, but something.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I'm distancing myself from people...
I was listening to "No Rain" by Blind Melon and "Rain" by Breaking Benjamin. Good songs. Kinda fit my mood and at the same time tried to lift my mood. Now, I've got my Within Temptation playlist on. No more want for mood-lifters.
So I was chatting with Robert B and a friend I've never met, George, who happens to go to SJSU as well. Talked about friendship. Mostly my friendships in general.
Aside from Maggie (Hiii ^_^) and my SJSU/ST-alum friends (Albert, Lisa, Rose, Angela), I don't actually talk to anyone from high school much anymore. And Maggie, you know we don't even talk that often. Like maybe once or twice a month. Online. Or through text.
And I've really only talked to Albert about five times this whole semester. I haven't actually seen him in at least two weeks because I haven't been going to the Tuesday lunches. Lisa, I see every morning after we get off the light rail. Plus, we've got Physics together. Rose and Angela, I haven't seen them since the last Tuesday lunch I went to, as well. And really, they're all good friends, but I don't really consider them the same as the close friends I had in high school.
Blahh... I find it irksome how much things change. I've said this probably a hundred times, but I have major letting-go issues. I mean, I know things are always changing, either minimally or drastically. I just can't get over it. I used to pride myself on being flexible and adaptable, but, thinking back to how things used to be, I don't feel like I can handle it sometimes. I still flex and adapt, but I miss the past way too much.
I miss the newness of things. Now, everything feels so routine, bland, stuck, yet too different. Even new things aren't new anymore (I don't know how to explain it). Or maybe that's just how I feel. Feelings aren't logical. So maybe I should disregard them. Mm..
I really just want to talk to people again. Like, really talk. And keep talking. But I've already acknowledged that I've lost touch with my closest friends from high school. Even the girls from Friday (I love you, ladies. Really, I do).
I just... don't know how to put what I'm feeling/thinking into words. I'm trying.
I know I have friends who are here for me... I just don't feel like we're close enough anymore for me to disclose even half of the things I think about. Yeah, we (or really, they) can talk about sex and relationships, but I don't know why I feel this way, but I've felt like this for a long time (>2 years). I just never really thought about it. I might have said something before, but I always pushed back the thoughts when they got this deep.
I have friends. Good friends. Close friends. We're here for each other. It just doesn't feel like we're always here.
^And this is the best I can do to explain what I think about this topic.
You know, I feel like I'm typing all this, but you don't really get what I'm putting forward. You don't see me saying this shit. You don't see how much this tears at me..
After some thought: I have a few friends I can complain to (Thank you. I know I complain about myself and my family too often). I just don't feel I have any friends I can confide in. I know I have friends who care. I just don't know who would have the patience to listen, to keep pushing me, to stick around.
Everyone's just so busy now. With their social lives, new friends, new hobbies, degrees, futures, whatever... I'm trapping myself with thinking. Not doing.
I'm doing this to myself. No wonder.
Mm, yay for me trying to open up. On a blog. Eh. It's a step.
So yesterday, I cleaned up my Facebook friend list and AIM buddy list a lil bit. Still have a lot of people who don't say anything to me. But I deleted half my buddy list. The people who are still there are most those who talk to me once or twice a year haha. Eh -shrug-
The past four weeks, I've only talked to four people on AIM. Before, I barely went on AIM anyway. Dunno why I've been on almost every day lately -__- Most people never start conversations with me. Even before, I have always been the one to start the conversation with almost everyone else. And a reply was never guaranteed. And the conversation was always short. People are just busy, bored, apathetic. So I've stopped trying as much as I used to.
Mm, so I'm deleting more people on AIM now. Doesn't matter. They don't really care, nor do I anymore. Maybe I'll just go on AIM for the few people who still talk to me from time to time. Yeah.
Ah, and Facebook. I really don't like social networking websites. It's like the only way I talk to people anymore. And I don't even talk to them all that much on there. Not good at all. Feels so not effective.
Sometimes, I consider not talking to people. At all. Just cut myself off from everyone. Silence. Complete silence. Alone. Maybe, I'd stop thinking like this, feeling like this.
Ok. I'm not gonna care anymore. Just do what I do. Keep in touch with who I can. Don't think so much about it (so difficult).
Ugh, I'm just tired of thinking, but I can't stop. Thinking too much.....
So I was chatting with Robert B and a friend I've never met, George, who happens to go to SJSU as well. Talked about friendship. Mostly my friendships in general.
Aside from Maggie (Hiii ^_^) and my SJSU/ST-alum friends (Albert, Lisa, Rose, Angela), I don't actually talk to anyone from high school much anymore. And Maggie, you know we don't even talk that often. Like maybe once or twice a month. Online. Or through text.
And I've really only talked to Albert about five times this whole semester. I haven't actually seen him in at least two weeks because I haven't been going to the Tuesday lunches. Lisa, I see every morning after we get off the light rail. Plus, we've got Physics together. Rose and Angela, I haven't seen them since the last Tuesday lunch I went to, as well. And really, they're all good friends, but I don't really consider them the same as the close friends I had in high school.
Blahh... I find it irksome how much things change. I've said this probably a hundred times, but I have major letting-go issues. I mean, I know things are always changing, either minimally or drastically. I just can't get over it. I used to pride myself on being flexible and adaptable, but, thinking back to how things used to be, I don't feel like I can handle it sometimes. I still flex and adapt, but I miss the past way too much.
I miss the newness of things. Now, everything feels so routine, bland, stuck, yet too different. Even new things aren't new anymore (I don't know how to explain it). Or maybe that's just how I feel. Feelings aren't logical. So maybe I should disregard them. Mm..
I really just want to talk to people again. Like, really talk. And keep talking. But I've already acknowledged that I've lost touch with my closest friends from high school. Even the girls from Friday (I love you, ladies. Really, I do).
I just... don't know how to put what I'm feeling/thinking into words. I'm trying.
I know I have friends who are here for me... I just don't feel like we're close enough anymore for me to disclose even half of the things I think about. Yeah, we (or really, they) can talk about sex and relationships, but I don't know why I feel this way, but I've felt like this for a long time (>2 years). I just never really thought about it. I might have said something before, but I always pushed back the thoughts when they got this deep.
I have friends. Good friends. Close friends. We're here for each other. It just doesn't feel like we're always here.
^And this is the best I can do to explain what I think about this topic.
You know, I feel like I'm typing all this, but you don't really get what I'm putting forward. You don't see me saying this shit. You don't see how much this tears at me..
After some thought: I have a few friends I can complain to (Thank you. I know I complain about myself and my family too often). I just don't feel I have any friends I can confide in. I know I have friends who care. I just don't know who would have the patience to listen, to keep pushing me, to stick around.
Everyone's just so busy now. With their social lives, new friends, new hobbies, degrees, futures, whatever... I'm trapping myself with thinking. Not doing.
I'm doing this to myself. No wonder.
Mm, yay for me trying to open up. On a blog. Eh. It's a step.
So yesterday, I cleaned up my Facebook friend list and AIM buddy list a lil bit. Still have a lot of people who don't say anything to me. But I deleted half my buddy list. The people who are still there are most those who talk to me once or twice a year haha. Eh -shrug-
The past four weeks, I've only talked to four people on AIM. Before, I barely went on AIM anyway. Dunno why I've been on almost every day lately -__- Most people never start conversations with me. Even before, I have always been the one to start the conversation with almost everyone else. And a reply was never guaranteed. And the conversation was always short. People are just busy, bored, apathetic. So I've stopped trying as much as I used to.
Mm, so I'm deleting more people on AIM now. Doesn't matter. They don't really care, nor do I anymore. Maybe I'll just go on AIM for the few people who still talk to me from time to time. Yeah.
Ah, and Facebook. I really don't like social networking websites. It's like the only way I talk to people anymore. And I don't even talk to them all that much on there. Not good at all. Feels so not effective.
Sometimes, I consider not talking to people. At all. Just cut myself off from everyone. Silence. Complete silence. Alone. Maybe, I'd stop thinking like this, feeling like this.
Ok. I'm not gonna care anymore. Just do what I do. Keep in touch with who I can. Don't think so much about it (so difficult).
Ugh, I'm just tired of thinking, but I can't stop. Thinking too much.....
Saturday, November 28, 2009
First clubbing experience was...
fun :) interesting, etc etc.
This may or may not be a long entry because I'm using Autumn's laptop and everyone's still asleep. I only got three hours of sleep, but I can't sleep anymore :/ Too many thoughts, I suppose. Damn.
So yesterday, Mother dropped me off at Autumn's place downtown around 1630. Maggie was already there. Just chilled and talked. I checked my email and stuff on Autumn's laptop :P Interwebz!
Around 1930, we walked to GJ for dinner. Dominique was our server. We agreed (as well as Brother) that she was cute :P Had cajun popcorn shrimp, cajun curly fries, crawfish hushpuppies, and something something etouffee haha. Oh yeah, can't forget the beignets a la mode. Good stuff. Brother covered the cost, even though he wasn't working. He kept texting me, asking me if everything was good and whatever haha. He's looking out for me and my friends. He really wants them to like me XP
We left the restaurant around 2030, I think. Went to the light rail station to wait for Elora. Had interesting conversations concerning lesbianism and its connection to hugs :P
When Elora came, we walked back to Autumn's to get ready for clubbing. Got our stuff together. We left later than expected, which really isn't much of a surprise. Met up with Ariane and Brian at the Macy's parking lot down the street from the club. Ahh, we were three minutes late for the birthday guestlist :( So Autumn, Elora, and Brian had to pay $15 each to get in.
The club wasn't packed when we came. It didn't become packed either. But it's understandable, Thanksgiving weekend; people go home.
Crystal (from Q&A) was there with her girlfriend and friends. At some point in the night, when I was dancing with my friends, she came up behind me (with a train of people?) and started grinding XP I was like "Uhhhh >_> whaat? ... Ok, whatever, just go with it." My friends were laughing at me because I don't grind :P If I really think about it, I've only done it twice before haha. And why am I always the one in front? -_- I feel so violated haha :P
Anyway, my friends had other clubgoers ask them to dance/grind. All but one were politely rejected. Though, I guess in Maggie's case, it was an unheard rejection :/ We were wary of that guy for the rest of the night. Actually, we were kinda wary of all dancers haha. Just such intense freaking :P and making out as well. Ehhh yeaah haha.
I was pretty much done dancing by 0030. That was like the longest break from any kinda dancing I've ever taken. The dancing is fun, but the club scene just ain't my thang :P But that doesn't mean I'll never go clubbing again. Maybe just once in a long while. For birthdays or something, I dunno.
We left around 0130. Went to Denny's. I was in Ariane's car. We went to the Denny's that was a block away. Brian, Maggie, Autumn, and Elora went to a different one waayyy down the street because they don't know how to listen to directions XP So Ariane and I left a message on Autumn's phone, admonishing her for not turning left haha.
Denny's was good. I got a French Toast Slam, I think it's called. We all mainly wanted drinks though. Service was just blehh. I left like a two-dollar tip.
After the late-night meal, we decided it was time to go back to Autumn's. Brian went home. And yeah, I do give hugs, Brian. Or well, I try >_> Mm, I guess special people in my life get hugs from me at least. From time to time, strangers do too :P
Anyway, I was in Ariane's car again. Followed Autumn's Beluga. So slow haha. Got caught up with Ariane a bit. In terms of her love life and whatnot.
Back at Autumn's, the five of us just talked until 0630 in the morning. Sex and relationships, fun stuff :P Interestingly enough, the majority of our conversations yesterday and this morning revolved around this topic. I felt so left out for much of the conversation though :P But it's all good. I can't relate or anything, but at least I'm learning things? haha I didn't have to share much either XP
Though, I feel like I said too much >_> But of course, they're smart kids, so they figure shit out anyway or just assume. No more asking me about my love life, people. It is nonexistent. It will stay that way because that's just how my life goes. That's how my luck goes. Every single time. So much disappointment. I thought I'd stopped expecting anything, but something always gets me. And I figure some shit out too that should stop me, but I just keep going. No more, no more, no more. I hope. Ugh. Just grr.
Sometimes, I really wish there was an off switch.
My friends tried to convince me of one thing, but I'm totally convinced of the other. Besides, they don't know everything XP
Aaanyway, I learned so many new things. Fun stuffs. Good times. Yep.
Don't know what I'm gonna do now. Wish I'd brought my iPod :/ Maybe I'll just lie down and think. I've been doing that a lot anyway. Think, think, think. Not sure it's productive or progressive, but it's all I'm gonna do. All I feel like I can do.
Blaahhh. I suck when I'm like this. I wish I'd stop. Change focus. Or well, get focus.
And maaan, I wish I would say more. I feel terrible that my friends tell me a lot about their lives, but I don't really give them much about mine. Not the really important stuff, you know. And I'm sorry for that. I'm working on it though. It will be a process, a very slow one, but it will happen.
Egh, I think I've said too much in this entry. But I'm just getting my thoughts down somewhere...
Ooh, so I forgot to post two days ago about three dreams I had. But you know, I don't even remember them all that well anymore. Or I do, but details are fuzzy.
Dream 1: A girl kissed me.
Dream 2: Same girl kisses someone else. And I'm heartbroken.
Dream 3: It had to do with a car accident. Crasher sued crashee for damages and won D:
Don't think Dream 3 was related to the first two haha. But yeah, the first two dreams, how reminiscent of real life. In sooo many ways. Though, the third one is believable too. We live in a fucked-up world filled with fucked-up people..
Ahh, delete delete delete... >_> Ok, I should just stop before I put up shit I'm gonna regret sharing with you. Even though "you" really just includes Maggie haha. Hi, Maggie :P
This may or may not be a long entry because I'm using Autumn's laptop and everyone's still asleep. I only got three hours of sleep, but I can't sleep anymore :/ Too many thoughts, I suppose. Damn.
So yesterday, Mother dropped me off at Autumn's place downtown around 1630. Maggie was already there. Just chilled and talked. I checked my email and stuff on Autumn's laptop :P Interwebz!
Around 1930, we walked to GJ for dinner. Dominique was our server. We agreed (as well as Brother) that she was cute :P Had cajun popcorn shrimp, cajun curly fries, crawfish hushpuppies, and something something etouffee haha. Oh yeah, can't forget the beignets a la mode. Good stuff. Brother covered the cost, even though he wasn't working. He kept texting me, asking me if everything was good and whatever haha. He's looking out for me and my friends. He really wants them to like me XP
We left the restaurant around 2030, I think. Went to the light rail station to wait for Elora. Had interesting conversations concerning lesbianism and its connection to hugs :P
When Elora came, we walked back to Autumn's to get ready for clubbing. Got our stuff together. We left later than expected, which really isn't much of a surprise. Met up with Ariane and Brian at the Macy's parking lot down the street from the club. Ahh, we were three minutes late for the birthday guestlist :( So Autumn, Elora, and Brian had to pay $15 each to get in.
The club wasn't packed when we came. It didn't become packed either. But it's understandable, Thanksgiving weekend; people go home.
Crystal (from Q&A) was there with her girlfriend and friends. At some point in the night, when I was dancing with my friends, she came up behind me (with a train of people?) and started grinding XP I was like "Uhhhh >_> whaat? ... Ok, whatever, just go with it." My friends were laughing at me because I don't grind :P If I really think about it, I've only done it twice before haha. And why am I always the one in front? -_- I feel so violated haha :P
Anyway, my friends had other clubgoers ask them to dance/grind. All but one were politely rejected. Though, I guess in Maggie's case, it was an unheard rejection :/ We were wary of that guy for the rest of the night. Actually, we were kinda wary of all dancers haha. Just such intense freaking :P and making out as well. Ehhh yeaah haha.
I was pretty much done dancing by 0030. That was like the longest break from any kinda dancing I've ever taken. The dancing is fun, but the club scene just ain't my thang :P But that doesn't mean I'll never go clubbing again. Maybe just once in a long while. For birthdays or something, I dunno.
We left around 0130. Went to Denny's. I was in Ariane's car. We went to the Denny's that was a block away. Brian, Maggie, Autumn, and Elora went to a different one waayyy down the street because they don't know how to listen to directions XP So Ariane and I left a message on Autumn's phone, admonishing her for not turning left haha.
Denny's was good. I got a French Toast Slam, I think it's called. We all mainly wanted drinks though. Service was just blehh. I left like a two-dollar tip.
After the late-night meal, we decided it was time to go back to Autumn's. Brian went home. And yeah, I do give hugs, Brian. Or well, I try >_> Mm, I guess special people in my life get hugs from me at least. From time to time, strangers do too :P
Anyway, I was in Ariane's car again. Followed Autumn's Beluga. So slow haha. Got caught up with Ariane a bit. In terms of her love life and whatnot.
Back at Autumn's, the five of us just talked until 0630 in the morning. Sex and relationships, fun stuff :P Interestingly enough, the majority of our conversations yesterday and this morning revolved around this topic. I felt so left out for much of the conversation though :P But it's all good. I can't relate or anything, but at least I'm learning things? haha I didn't have to share much either XP
Though, I feel like I said too much >_> But of course, they're smart kids, so they figure shit out anyway or just assume. No more asking me about my love life, people. It is nonexistent. It will stay that way because that's just how my life goes. That's how my luck goes. Every single time. So much disappointment. I thought I'd stopped expecting anything, but something always gets me. And I figure some shit out too that should stop me, but I just keep going. No more, no more, no more. I hope. Ugh. Just grr.
Sometimes, I really wish there was an off switch.
My friends tried to convince me of one thing, but I'm totally convinced of the other. Besides, they don't know everything XP
Aaanyway, I learned so many new things. Fun stuffs. Good times. Yep.
Don't know what I'm gonna do now. Wish I'd brought my iPod :/ Maybe I'll just lie down and think. I've been doing that a lot anyway. Think, think, think. Not sure it's productive or progressive, but it's all I'm gonna do. All I feel like I can do.
Blaahhh. I suck when I'm like this. I wish I'd stop. Change focus. Or well, get focus.
And maaan, I wish I would say more. I feel terrible that my friends tell me a lot about their lives, but I don't really give them much about mine. Not the really important stuff, you know. And I'm sorry for that. I'm working on it though. It will be a process, a very slow one, but it will happen.
Egh, I think I've said too much in this entry. But I'm just getting my thoughts down somewhere...
Ooh, so I forgot to post two days ago about three dreams I had. But you know, I don't even remember them all that well anymore. Or I do, but details are fuzzy.
Dream 1: A girl kissed me.
Dream 2: Same girl kisses someone else. And I'm heartbroken.
Dream 3: It had to do with a car accident. Crasher sued crashee for damages and won D:
Don't think Dream 3 was related to the first two haha. But yeah, the first two dreams, how reminiscent of real life. In sooo many ways. Though, the third one is believable too. We live in a fucked-up world filled with fucked-up people..
Ahh, delete delete delete... >_> Ok, I should just stop before I put up shit I'm gonna regret sharing with you. Even though "you" really just includes Maggie haha. Hi, Maggie :P
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