Feeling Uncomfortable.

I feel like I should know the answer to this. But if I participated in some religious ritual, but I felt uncomfortable or even violated anyway, am I reading too much into it? Am I the one sexualizing the ritual? Maybe it's a part of the ritual. How would I know, if I'm not familiar with this ritual?

I dunno how I'm supposed to feel. I just know I felt violated. I wasn't raped. But there was a bit of physical contact that I wasn't comfortable with. But I didn't say anything. Because what do I say to the face of a Buddhist monk who's supposed to be celibate and above all these human desires? What if he really is just performing a ritual I've never heard of and that specific physical contact is a part of it?

Except I'd done this ritual once before. He didn't do the same act then. And my mom had been present. The second time, she wasn't. A part of me is wondering if he did do it the first time, and I forgot; but I'm certain I would have noticed him touching me.

My mom wants me to do the ritual again next Saturday. I never told her about the last one (I never tell her about these kinds of experiences). I don't want to go. I just don't feel safe.

If I tell her I don't want to go, she'll just think I'm a faithless delinquent with no regard for my own life and fortune. If I tell her why I don't want to go, I fear that she won't believe me; she'll downplay my feelings and call it confusion and a lack of familiarity with Buddhist practices. Except I don't think she had ever heard of this cleansing ritual until she found this temple. I certainly hadn't.

What if she doesn't believe me? What if she thinks I'm making shit up because he didn't openly fondle or grope me? What if she thinks I'm reading into it wrongly?

Even if I am misreading his actions, I still don't want anyone, especially a man I don't know, to touch me like that. Even for a brief moment. Even if it's supposed to cleanse me. Even if other people think I'm overreacting. I don't want that.

But I fear she won't see it like that. She'll just see it as me shirking my duty as her daughter to follow her instructions.

I don't know how my mom would react if I told her any of this. Honestly, I don't think I've ever thought she would believe me or be on my side in any of the situations I've been in. I really believe she'd find a way to tell me that it was my fault. She does it in every other situation, like whenever I had car issues; I brought it upon myself somehow when the truck reversed into my car. So if I tell her I felt violated by a monk that she trusts, I feel like she won't believe me or she'll somehow blame me for feeling that way.

In the back of my mind somewhere, there's a thought that she'll believe me but tell me to just not give him an opening to touch those parts of me. Or she'll stay in the room and I should still do the ritual.

I want to say no. I don't want to go.

But I don't know if I have the resolve to keep saying no and to deal with her putting me down. I wish I knew how to not internalize everything she says to me. I love my mom, but sometimes it feels like she's thrashing me from the inside with her words and her looks.

----

I think I will tell her I won't go. The thought is making me anxious. But I can't go through that. I thought about it. You know, do it once more to see if it happens again. Once is whatever, but twice is the start of a pattern, right? But I don't want to go through it again just to decide if I should feel comfortable or not. I don't feel comfortable.

Damn, I haven't felt this anxiety in such a long time. I used to feel it whenever I'd ask my mom for permission to do anything. It would take me hours, sometimes days, to work up the courage to ask. Permission for such small shit, and it always felt like I was asking her to not punish me.

I hope I find the courage this time. I hope I have the resolve. I'm an adult, but I still feel like a child with my mom. I'm an adult when she thinks I fucked up; but I'm a child otherwise.

How the fuck do other people do this? How do you tell your parents you think you were violated by someone they trust? How do you make them see that it's not some minor issue and that you're not overreacting?

I've always thought survivors were brave for coming forward. But I never truly realized the immense courage it required. I am lacking in courage. Why? Because this wasn't rape; it wasn't coercion; I don't know if it counted as groping or fondling. It just feels so minor, not serious enough. I don't know who would take it seriously. I don't even know if I completely take it seriously. Because what's the point if the people, who should take it seriously, don't?

I just don't want to be near someone who makes me question my safety, even if they wear an orange robe and are revered by everyone else.