I turned in early last night in the hopes of getting some restful sleep.
I had an intense dream that I think was a continuation of another that I had recently. It felt so real.
I was convicted of murder because I had killed someone who tried to rob me. I had shot him in the back as he ran away.
My previous dream was the trial and the lead-up to the execution. I was in shock and crying, and my friends were trying to comfort me and petitioning the court to change their decision.
This last dream was the day of the execution. I got to spend time with my mom in a makeshift house connected to the execution chamber. I was sitting at a desk with the wooden door behind my back; my inevitable fate was on the other side of it. I ended up organizing my things to give away and sat down to write a last letter on a long scrap of paper to my friends and family. My mom was compulsively cleaning as if this place was our home. She didn't talk to me, but I could feel her sadness and fear.
It was weird. I started off the dream feeling scared, hopeless, and angry. As I wrote the letter, telling folks not to be angry and to accept what was happening, I began to feel less scared and more accepting of the situation myself. I just wanted more time to finish my letter.
Soon, I noticed noise from behind the door that led to the execution area. The noise had been building up over time. It was all the people who were there to witness the execution and also a few friends who wanted to disrupt the process.
I stood up, unfinished with the letter, and turned toward the door, ready to face what was about happen. Someone burst through the door, but I can't recall who it was. I just remember the noise got significantly louder, and I woke up.
----
I haven't remembered such a vivid dream in probably six months at least. I had forgotten about the previous dream until I woke up from this one. But this felt extremely familiar. It felt so real, like I was really experiencing it. All of the emotions and memories were so clear in the moment.
It was trippy. When I woke up, I slowly came to realize that I was not going to be executed. Relief has set in. But now I have questions. I don't remember everything that felt so clear moments before. I just know it happened.
I'm not sure how I feel about waking up like this haha.
I like to think that our dreams are windows into our countless, alternate lives if they exist. Sometimes, they overlap and create weird anomalies with the logic haha. Or really the logic of those realities are just that different.
Anyway, I feel like there is a parallel between how I dealt with accepting my fate there and how I've been dealing with my anxiety recently. We can't fight inevitability. I'm learning to accept and let go. It's a very arduous process in which I sometimes take the wrong steps. But I've been getting better, I think. I hope so. Maybe this dream is evidence of that? Haha
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Broke to Not-So-Broke
I don't know why it just hit me that I have technically been a broke 21-year-old living with her mom for about a year after college. No work experience, no job, no prospects.
When I finally got my first job at a factory, making $8.50 an hour, I moved out of my mom's and lived out of a suitcase on my ex's futon in her living room for a couple of months. I lived off of many Hot Pockets and the amazing generosity of friends and strangers.
My next job paid me $10 an hour for the work of three people but wouldn't provide me with sufficient training. It was stressful, and there was no support.
I quickly left that job for a two-year contract with a staffing agency at a large tech company. Granted, there was a two and a half week gap in my employment because my new employer couldn't start me when they said they would. And I was laid off a month before my contract ended. But I had been a trainer for a year on that team. So yay, experience!
Fortunately, my site manager believed in me and helped me connect with a recruiter from another agency for the same tech company. I ended up starting on a new team just a week and a half after my last day. I'm hitting my two-year mark on this team in less than two weeks. There have been so many changes in two years; there were times when I doubted my place on this team. I still do, but I'm dealing with it.
So far, I've never worked in the city that I lived in. None of my jobs are related to my degree. Turnover is high at all places I've worked.
I have more money now than I've had before. It's not much, but it's something. I go out and spend way more than I used to. Now, I feel like I actually have to relearn how to enjoy time alone.
Life has been really good to me. I've been able to always keep a roof over my head and some food in my stomach. I've had loving folks take care of me and help me with so many things that I should learn to do on my own. I have many protectors and guardians.
I'm grateful every day of my life. Even when I don't feel it, I know I'm lucky.
Life has been good to me. I question if I've been good to life in return. I hope so.
When I finally got my first job at a factory, making $8.50 an hour, I moved out of my mom's and lived out of a suitcase on my ex's futon in her living room for a couple of months. I lived off of many Hot Pockets and the amazing generosity of friends and strangers.
My next job paid me $10 an hour for the work of three people but wouldn't provide me with sufficient training. It was stressful, and there was no support.
I quickly left that job for a two-year contract with a staffing agency at a large tech company. Granted, there was a two and a half week gap in my employment because my new employer couldn't start me when they said they would. And I was laid off a month before my contract ended. But I had been a trainer for a year on that team. So yay, experience!
Fortunately, my site manager believed in me and helped me connect with a recruiter from another agency for the same tech company. I ended up starting on a new team just a week and a half after my last day. I'm hitting my two-year mark on this team in less than two weeks. There have been so many changes in two years; there were times when I doubted my place on this team. I still do, but I'm dealing with it.
So far, I've never worked in the city that I lived in. None of my jobs are related to my degree. Turnover is high at all places I've worked.
I have more money now than I've had before. It's not much, but it's something. I go out and spend way more than I used to. Now, I feel like I actually have to relearn how to enjoy time alone.
Life has been really good to me. I've been able to always keep a roof over my head and some food in my stomach. I've had loving folks take care of me and help me with so many things that I should learn to do on my own. I have many protectors and guardians.
I'm grateful every day of my life. Even when I don't feel it, I know I'm lucky.
Life has been good to me. I question if I've been good to life in return. I hope so.
Friday, July 7, 2017
Halfway through 2017
I didn't stick to everything I said I would do this year. Oh well.
I didn't go to CRSSD or Beyond So Cal. My generous friends paid for my Sunday ticket for Dreamstate SF, and I did go to EDC Las Vegas for the fourth time but with just Matt (and Ant and Christina) and had an amazing time. I dipped out early the first and third nights though. Regrets. Oh well. Gotta listen to my body when it's telling me to rest.
EDC ate up more than half of my ticket budget for the year. About $120 left to spend for the last six months. It's cool though. While the fomo kinda sucks, I'm feeling all right with my music decisions. More money toward traveling, yay!
I visited Vivi in Portland in February, and that was mostly fun. A weekend in the life of Vivi. I learned a lot and was amazed by how many luscious, green trees there were. Pace of life is definitely much more chill than the Bay Area. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was going too fast haha. It was a nice change for sure. I gotta go back and explore.
Santa Barbara in March was great; I spent some time with Summer, who was my Untz buddy last year. Year 2 of Untz was even better. Summer brought a group of her friends, and we caravanned to Mariposa. All the underground bass music we could handle.
I made a couple of not-so-great decisions in Santa Barbara and again at Untz. Anxiety and paranoia have been miserable friends since, and it's been a slow and agonizing process to learn how to cope. But I'm doing it. Properly? I'm not sure. I still need to find a therapist.
But hey, I finally went to the dentist after almost six years. My teeth are pretty darn healthy, but I brush too hard. So I've been practicing gentle brushing haha.
Anyway, back to traveling. Matt and I flew to Seattle and took a train to Vancouver during Fourth of July weekend. That was exciting. First time in Seattle, first time on Amtrak (I think), and definitely my first time out of the US. Lots of new experiences and plenty of delicious food.
We had dinner at the restaurant at the top of the Space Needle. That was the most expensive dinner I had ever eaten or paid for. $50 minimum per person. I understand why it's so costly, but it's ridiculous. We got a great view of Seattle though on the observation deck. Then Matt's friend Jonathan picked us up to take us to Capitol Hill to check out Purr and R Place. I just sat along the wall and chilled.
MoPOP was fascinating; so much pop culture knowledge in one location. A lot of familiar movies and TV shows, but I probably noticeably reacted to a handful of exhibits. Afterward, we walked through Pike Place Market, but it was too crowded for my comfort. So we walked to Moon's Kitchen. Delicious.
The train ride to Vancouver was nice. Although, I do recall being mooned by a man and woman on a beach at some point. That was... different. When we arrived in Vancouver, there was a fireworks show happening near our hotel because it was Canada Day. The whole weekend was a celebration; so it was cool to see Canadians celebrate all weekend, while I knew my friends back home were celebrating Independence Day weekend as well.
We had to take a taxi to our hotel from the train station, but it took a while since all of the taxis were picking people up near the fireworks show. We probably got to the hotel after midnight. The hotel upgraded our room to a suite. So fancy. 4 times the amount we paid. I could have spent my whole vacation in that room if I hadn't already paid to do things outside of it haha.
Waking up late the next day, we walked to Heritage Asian Eatery. The name made us a little doubtful, but the food surprised us. Very satisfying meal. After a bit of rest, we took the SkyTrain to the Richmond Night Market. Again, surprised. So many Asians. So much good food. Matt and I left the market with adorable plushies. I now have a six-limbed octopus that has a mustache, top hat, and monocle haha.
We checked out Davie Street because why not? Gay night life on a Sunday. Ended up at The Pumpjack Pub >.> interesting name. Had a beer and didn't do much.
Our last day in Vancouver, we took a seabus and a regular bus to Capilano Suspension Bridge Park. Beautiful and calming place, too many children. The suspension bridge itself scared me at first because it felt like it was trying to buck me off. But I managed to find a rhythm to the movement haha.
We had our last meal in North Vancouver at Mr. Sushi. So worth the money. They don't overdo it with the rice. So I actually managed to finish two full rolls along with one piece from one of Matt's rolls.
The train ride back to Seattle was a bit irritating. We arrived at the station at 5:30am, an hour before departure. The train was late. We waited in line to get our seat assignments. But that line didn't open until 6:30. Fortunately, Canadian customs was quick. I think our train departed over an hour late. US customs on the train was much quicker than I expected; so that was nice. Still, we got to Seattle with no time to eat. Jonathan picked us up and dropped us off at the airport. Then we were back haha.
We spent the rest of our day hanging out at Cat's with Ant, Bella, Kim (Cat's coworker), and Amenda. Good day :)
I didn't mean to say so much about my vacation, but it's there now.
We're still planning to go to Hawaii in September for Matt's birthday. Everything has been bought. Activities just need to be planned.
No other set plans for now. Going to try to make time to visit Shiva in So Cal before the summer is over.
Oh, I applied for an open position on another team at work and got it. I've been learning new things at work for the past three months. I was hoping taking on this new role and more responsibilities would increase my interest in work, but it didn't. Oh well. I'm still learning, and I've been doing pretty well in my new role. I'm happy with that.
----
I've been re-evaluating my life a lot. Thinking about the overall journey, the adventures and misadventures, luck and misfortune, wonderful help and terrible advice, good and bad decisions. Not sure how I'm feeling about it all.
I've been feeling disconnected from people again. I think I've been putting myself around so many people so frequently that it's taking a toll on me.
Maybe I just need to change a few small things in my life. Get a fresh perspective or something. I'm gonna try to rearrange my bedroom tomorrow. Maybe that will help.
I'm so averse to change, but I know I need it sometimes.
I don't know what I'm doing for the rest of the year, but I need to start making more plans. I still want to do something other than rave. I also just wanna feel like I'm getting my life right, whatever that means.
----
There is a cat in my room at the moment. I should attend to her before she rips up my bed sheets.
I didn't go to CRSSD or Beyond So Cal. My generous friends paid for my Sunday ticket for Dreamstate SF, and I did go to EDC Las Vegas for the fourth time but with just Matt (and Ant and Christina) and had an amazing time. I dipped out early the first and third nights though. Regrets. Oh well. Gotta listen to my body when it's telling me to rest.
EDC ate up more than half of my ticket budget for the year. About $120 left to spend for the last six months. It's cool though. While the fomo kinda sucks, I'm feeling all right with my music decisions. More money toward traveling, yay!
I visited Vivi in Portland in February, and that was mostly fun. A weekend in the life of Vivi. I learned a lot and was amazed by how many luscious, green trees there were. Pace of life is definitely much more chill than the Bay Area. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was going too fast haha. It was a nice change for sure. I gotta go back and explore.
Santa Barbara in March was great; I spent some time with Summer, who was my Untz buddy last year. Year 2 of Untz was even better. Summer brought a group of her friends, and we caravanned to Mariposa. All the underground bass music we could handle.
I made a couple of not-so-great decisions in Santa Barbara and again at Untz. Anxiety and paranoia have been miserable friends since, and it's been a slow and agonizing process to learn how to cope. But I'm doing it. Properly? I'm not sure. I still need to find a therapist.
But hey, I finally went to the dentist after almost six years. My teeth are pretty darn healthy, but I brush too hard. So I've been practicing gentle brushing haha.
Anyway, back to traveling. Matt and I flew to Seattle and took a train to Vancouver during Fourth of July weekend. That was exciting. First time in Seattle, first time on Amtrak (I think), and definitely my first time out of the US. Lots of new experiences and plenty of delicious food.
We had dinner at the restaurant at the top of the Space Needle. That was the most expensive dinner I had ever eaten or paid for. $50 minimum per person. I understand why it's so costly, but it's ridiculous. We got a great view of Seattle though on the observation deck. Then Matt's friend Jonathan picked us up to take us to Capitol Hill to check out Purr and R Place. I just sat along the wall and chilled.
MoPOP was fascinating; so much pop culture knowledge in one location. A lot of familiar movies and TV shows, but I probably noticeably reacted to a handful of exhibits. Afterward, we walked through Pike Place Market, but it was too crowded for my comfort. So we walked to Moon's Kitchen. Delicious.
The train ride to Vancouver was nice. Although, I do recall being mooned by a man and woman on a beach at some point. That was... different. When we arrived in Vancouver, there was a fireworks show happening near our hotel because it was Canada Day. The whole weekend was a celebration; so it was cool to see Canadians celebrate all weekend, while I knew my friends back home were celebrating Independence Day weekend as well.
We had to take a taxi to our hotel from the train station, but it took a while since all of the taxis were picking people up near the fireworks show. We probably got to the hotel after midnight. The hotel upgraded our room to a suite. So fancy. 4 times the amount we paid. I could have spent my whole vacation in that room if I hadn't already paid to do things outside of it haha.
Waking up late the next day, we walked to Heritage Asian Eatery. The name made us a little doubtful, but the food surprised us. Very satisfying meal. After a bit of rest, we took the SkyTrain to the Richmond Night Market. Again, surprised. So many Asians. So much good food. Matt and I left the market with adorable plushies. I now have a six-limbed octopus that has a mustache, top hat, and monocle haha.
We checked out Davie Street because why not? Gay night life on a Sunday. Ended up at The Pumpjack Pub >.> interesting name. Had a beer and didn't do much.
Our last day in Vancouver, we took a seabus and a regular bus to Capilano Suspension Bridge Park. Beautiful and calming place, too many children. The suspension bridge itself scared me at first because it felt like it was trying to buck me off. But I managed to find a rhythm to the movement haha.
We had our last meal in North Vancouver at Mr. Sushi. So worth the money. They don't overdo it with the rice. So I actually managed to finish two full rolls along with one piece from one of Matt's rolls.
The train ride back to Seattle was a bit irritating. We arrived at the station at 5:30am, an hour before departure. The train was late. We waited in line to get our seat assignments. But that line didn't open until 6:30. Fortunately, Canadian customs was quick. I think our train departed over an hour late. US customs on the train was much quicker than I expected; so that was nice. Still, we got to Seattle with no time to eat. Jonathan picked us up and dropped us off at the airport. Then we were back haha.
We spent the rest of our day hanging out at Cat's with Ant, Bella, Kim (Cat's coworker), and Amenda. Good day :)
I didn't mean to say so much about my vacation, but it's there now.
We're still planning to go to Hawaii in September for Matt's birthday. Everything has been bought. Activities just need to be planned.
No other set plans for now. Going to try to make time to visit Shiva in So Cal before the summer is over.
Oh, I applied for an open position on another team at work and got it. I've been learning new things at work for the past three months. I was hoping taking on this new role and more responsibilities would increase my interest in work, but it didn't. Oh well. I'm still learning, and I've been doing pretty well in my new role. I'm happy with that.
----
I've been re-evaluating my life a lot. Thinking about the overall journey, the adventures and misadventures, luck and misfortune, wonderful help and terrible advice, good and bad decisions. Not sure how I'm feeling about it all.
I've been feeling disconnected from people again. I think I've been putting myself around so many people so frequently that it's taking a toll on me.
Maybe I just need to change a few small things in my life. Get a fresh perspective or something. I'm gonna try to rearrange my bedroom tomorrow. Maybe that will help.
I'm so averse to change, but I know I need it sometimes.
I don't know what I'm doing for the rest of the year, but I need to start making more plans. I still want to do something other than rave. I also just wanna feel like I'm getting my life right, whatever that means.
----
There is a cat in my room at the moment. I should attend to her before she rips up my bed sheets.
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