I just want to ramble instead of going to sleep. I should sleep. I have to get up early to drive Brother to his class. But I want to ramble and get some thoughts out of my head.
I watched more TYT video clips today because I was bored. Just watched: http://youtu.be/dhp5zuL7Nes
All I saw was Bert and Ernie cuddling on the couch, watching TV. That's still mostly what I see. There may be intended symbolism in there. But what do I know about symbolism in visual or written format? Symbolism was one of the most difficult things I had to struggle with in my English classes (I had sooo many symbolism projects for both published literature and artwork/advertisements), and I think I'm pretty damn good at academic English when I try.
So liberals and conservatives alike attributed symbolic qualities to the Bert and Ernie cover image. Promoting the gay agenda, sexualizing characters that can influence children, and showing support for the gay community are some of the conclusions that people have drawn. Right or wrong, it's still just an image. The only reason you see a symbol there is that you yourself have put the symbol there.
Anyway, I tend to not see symbols when I look at or read something. Not unless it's clearly labeled as a symbol or until someone else points out the symbolism. Maybe some symbolism is just too complex for my brain haha; I don't know. But yeah, I don't always see it for myself. Like with Bert and Ernie, I see the symbolism now that it's been pointed out, but I still don't really see it. It's mainly just an image to me. Does it make me feel a little happier on the inside to see it? Yeah, I enjoyed Sesame Street when I was a child; so seeing some familiar characters interacting in a familiar way makes me happy. It makes me happy to see some physical expression of happiness and love, even in the medium of puppets.
I just have to ask: Why can't two males show affection for one another without it being gay or wrong? Yeah, yeah, I know, masculinity and heteronormativity. But really, why? Why attribute anything negative to something that is supposed to increase your level of happiness and closeness to another human being? Hugs have supposedly been scientifically proven to make people feel better, obviously as long as they are consensual and used positively. So why can't two guys do that for each other, whether they are gay or straight? Why does it have to symbolize anything? Why can't it just be two guys supporting each other or being happy in each other's presence?
Yeah, Bert and Ernie could be gay. Who am I to declare what they are? Only they would truly know. (But they're puppets... So I don't think we will ever get a straight answer from either of them.) Yeah, they are cuddling in front of the TV in the image. Why can't we have an image of that? What is the essential wrongness (or rightness) of that image, in and of itself, without the symbolism that we personally attribute to it? When I saw that picture, I just saw two characters cuddling. Two characters cuddling is two characters cuddling. I don't necessarily see right or wrong, good or evil. The most I would assume from that image is that they are watching TV together, or maybe one of them is asleep; I can't see their faces, so I dunno. As for the cuddling, what does that mean? It could mean anything. But why does it have to mean anything to us? I mean, friends cuddle, siblings cuddle, lovers cuddle, anyone can cuddle. Does it have to mean anything more than "I feel comfortable around you" or "I love you"? I just don't get it.
Just so you know, in my head, Bert and Ernie do really like and love each other. It's not like they have been depicted as hating each other.
Words are so powerful. Symbolism wouldn't exist without words. We use words to attach symbols to everything we experience. Words themselves are symbols. What is a word? It's an abstract thing. We can't actually see, smell, taste, hear, or touch it, unless we give it a physical existence by writing it or typing it. Even then, we can't actually touch the thing that we call a word. It's a thought in our head that we learned from our peers, graphite on paper, ink on a canvas, photons on a screen, scratches on a bench. When we touch the manifested letters on that paper or on that bench, it still only exists in our brains. What we touch is paper, wood, metal, atoms. (Well, if we want to get technical, nothing ever actually touches anything.) Atoms aren't words.
It's funny. There is a word--well, there are probably infinitely many--out there that doesn't exist yet. So that nonexistent word doesn't represent or symbolize anything. But when that word gets thought of and starts manifesting in people's minds via social interaction, it's gonna mean something to people. Right now, it doesn't, but one day it will. It has the potential to make money, to destroy lives, to divide people, to do so much good, and to do so much bad. It's a damn word that doesn't even exist yet, but it's got so much potential energy waiting to be released because it doesn't exist yet. Once it comes into existence, all that energy changes into kinetic energy, giving that word speed, force, power, and momentum. And it will have a constant supply of energy until people stop using it and stop believing in its power, existence, or meaning. It's kinda like The Game ("I lost the game"); it doesn't exist until you give it existence. It's crazy that all of this is possible for a currently nonexistent word. The human mind creates so much potential.
So this abstract idea that we call a word allows us to see and experience our world in a way that's different from the typical animal's experience. Without words, we just recognize familiar things, people, and experiences. We recognize that we want more of what gives us a positive experience or feeling and we want to avoid what is negative. With words, we do the same thing, but words simplifies the process and yet can make it so complicated. We can recognize, categorize, organize, discriminate, and manipulate. Without words, hugs between any two people is a positive thing. When you hug someone and don't think about it, you just naturally feel good. With words, the recognition and simplification is "hugs are good because they make me feel good." The complexity, however, results in "two guys hugging is gay/bad" or even "front hugging tempts people into having sex." (That's a real thing. I just learned about the existence of Christian side hugging today.) How do people come to this conclusion?
Without words, you wouldn't believe anything until you experienced it yourself many times to establish a pattern, unless you find exceptions. Then you're just cautious enough to look out for the exceptions, or I would hope so. With words, you just have to believe the person who's telling you something as if it were a fact. You don't need to experience it yourself because someone else supposedly already experienced it for you. How do you know something is true until you make yourself know it's true, rather than having someone else let you know it's true?
Besides, someone else's word might not mean the same as your own word. We just assume that they mean the same thing because we use the same word. But we can't truly know that they mean the same thing.
Blah. I've lost my train of thought. This post was supposed to be about how I suck at seeing symbolism, but I didn't really stick to that. But what else could I say about my inability to see symbolism? I can't see it. So when others see it, I have to look again until I see it. Even then, I just think to myself, "Interesting. I see it, but I don't actually see it. How does this person see this so easily? Why do they see it this way?"
Mm. People and their brains and their ways of thinking. So intriguing what comes out of them.
Oh, I've always found the idea that people can be symbols to be very fascinating. I get why they are symbols to certain people. I can see how. But I still just see them as a person who took on some role or did something that inspired others. Just a person who did something that other people noticed. If no one notices you, you can't be a symbol of anything to others.
Thoughts are too complex to be fully formed right now. It's after midnight. Dang it. Not again. I have to start going to bed early soon, like this week. If all goes well, I start work early next Monday :D
Monday, July 29, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Choose your sexuality. Can't? Try harder.
Since anti-gay people continually demand that gay people should just change our minds and become straight because sexuality is so obviously a choice, what question should we ask of anti-gay folks to turn the tables? So far, I've heard pro-gay people ask, "Why don't you try to become gay?" Answers have been, of course, "I tried, and I just can't be gay," "No, I'm not a sinner, so I would never choose to go against God," other similar answers, and no answers. Pro-gay folks have also asked, "When did you decide to become straight?" Answers include: "... I guess I never really had to decide," "I've known I was straight since forever" (That doesn't answer when you decided to be straight), and "I've never thought about that before." I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "I decided to be straight," unless they were coming from ex-gay therapy.
[Note: When I say "anti-gay," I mean to describe people who are against the existence of queers and queerness. Not to describe people who are cool with queers but don't support gay marriage; I have had friends who felt this way. It took me a short while to wrap my head around that way of thinking; I don't agree with it, but I understand it now. I'm ok with my friends thinking like that. It doesn't affect me as much as I thought it should have. That being said, what they think should not (legally) dictate how I get to live my peaceful, harmless life haha.]
I think we should ask sexually straight people to try to become asexual. Why? Because asking them to become gay doesn't help us prove a point unless they're actually open to giving it a shot. Even if they think they do give it a try, because they are straight, they don't try very hard to experience the emotions or attraction and just believe they naturally make the "right decision." They have nothing to lose if they can't feel anything for the same sex, while queers who desperately want to be "normal" do feel like they have everything to lose and will try their fucking hardest to feel what they're "supposed" to feel. But when they don't feel it, they're "not trying hard enough." If straight people can't feel queer emotions or attractions, they can't explain their "decision," believe that they are making a choice (in the sense that gay does not feel like an option for them, just like straight doesn't feel like an option for queers), or believe that we are so abominable that we can go against the natural instinct of being straight--it feels like instinct to them.
Now, why ask straight people to try asexuality or ask them to try anything else at all? To make them see how ridiculously difficult their question is to answer and to provide evidence for. Being asexual is different from the norm and doesn't go against any religious beliefs and thus doesn't make them feel like they're sinning, so they can't try to throw that in our faces as an excuse to not try. When straight people say we can choose not to be gay, that's them saying we can choose not to be attracted to the same sex; so it should be true that straight people can simply choose not to be attracted to the opposite sex. Since they think it's a choice to be attracted to either sex, and we queers generally know they can't choose to be attracted to the same sex, I think it's fair to request that straight people attempt the same proposal to prove to us that it is possible for anyone, straight or queer, to make that choice. We could put them in a room full of sexually attractive members of the opposite sex and tell them not to notice their sexual attractiveness and not to feel sexual attraction whatsoever.
When a straight person tells me (to choose) not to be gay, this is the scenario that I think they want to see: They show me a female whom I find sexually attractive at that moment. At the snap of my fingers, I don't think she's sexually attractive at all anymore. I've chosen to find her non-attractive right then and there because I can.
If you tell anyone to do that, would that actually work? If someone said they could do that, I would think they were lying to me. But that's just because I can't believe them. I don't trust that they're telling me the truth. Just like anti-gay people wouldn't believe me if I said I tried to find a male person sexually attractive but couldn't. I probably wasn't trying hard enough. I think this just proves a question like "Why can't you choose to be straight/gay/asexual?" is ultimately a waste of time. Even if we all attempted to answer this question, the questioners wouldn't believe any answer or explanation that doesn't meet the standards that they set when they asked the question--the standards being there is only one right answer and there is no way to change my mind unless you can make me feel what you feel. But we can't really make others feel what they strongly don't want to feel. No adamantly anti-gay person is gonna seriously say, "Oh, I saw with my own eyes that you took me seriously and tried really hard to change. And I can see that you couldn't do it. I guess I am wrong, and you can't choose." No adamantly pro-gay person is gonna seriously say, "Oh, I saw with my own eyes that you took me seriously and didn't need to try that hard to change. I guess I am wrong, and you can choose."
"Why don't you choose to be gay?" is a nice, witty retort. It makes us feel good for a moment because we bested the opposition on that point. But it doesn't really get us anywhere closer to common ground, especially now that it seems to be used by pro-gay folks only as a witty retort and treated by anti-gay folks only as a trivial retort rather than an actual challenge that deserves some serious consideration.
Random: I've been told some anti-gay folks would prefer that gay people were asexual, so that we just would stop sinning and/or committing abhorrent sexual practices. Is this true? I thought they wanted us to be straight and make babies. Or simply burn in hell.
Another random: If homosexuality is as bad a sin as murder, and murderers who stop murdering generally aren't forgiven for their past crimes, are ex-gays unforgivable for their past gay crimes too? I mean, yeah, the one-time offenders may be forgiven, depending on the circumstances. But would forgiveness be granted to serial killers or mass murderers who supposedly repent? What about the serial gays who become ex-gays? The forgiveness that I'm talking about here isn't from God but from the people who judge the sinner. And "serial gays" could mean whatever you want it to mean.
Different topic: In general, I think it's easier for gay people to imagine being straight than for straight people to imagine being gay because we're inundated by heteronormative/straight behavior just about everywhere we go. Straight is generally the default setting; we believe we're straight until some event, person, or moment makes us do a double take.
Most of the information about queer people that close-minded, straight people have tend to come from their own imagination; the stereotypes and beliefs about us come from very little exposure to actual queer people. I mean, queer people are exposed to straight people most of their lives; so we stereotype straight people, but we're aware that there are all types of straight people. There are nice ones and mean ones. It's the same in the queer community. But because of the lack of exposure, people generalize and leave it at that without taking the time to investigate their presumptions and to get to know individuals.
How I see things: Every person is a potential friend. When we judge another person before we get to know them and don't give them a chance to be a good part of our lives, we're reducing our lives' potential. Obviously, we run the risk of meeting not-nice people who aren't good for us. But sometimes, I think it's good to know firsthand who is good and who is bad for us.
Don't just assume a group of people can't add goodness to your life. All that potential will just go to waste. (I was going to make a physics analogy, but that's much too nerdy.)
I know that everything I've typed is based on sexual attraction rather than romantic attraction. It was just easier to simplify. Besides, romantic attraction is a whole other beast to tackle in regards to pro-gay versus anti-gay. Though, you can obviously substitute "romantic" for "sexual" in what I've got typed up there.
Romantic attraction is more emotional. I feel that trying to argue about emotions is even more fruitless than arguing about physical attraction. Physical attraction may be somewhat relatable and understandable just because it's considered to be an "animalistic" quality shared by all human beings. Romantic attraction isn't really considered in the same way; I don't know what descriptor fits romantic attraction. But to try to explain something so abstract, so personal, so individualized, is such a difficult task. No one can truly, without a doubt, understand what you feel. What you feel is what you feel; to get someone else to know exactly what you're feeling is so close to impossible. Even if you could, you don't know if they actually get it. You can only assume that they do when they say they do. To get anywhere close to that impossibility requires a large amount of empathy, which I tend to feel is very much lacking in these kinds of arguments.
Rawr.
I apologize for the randomness, rambling, and long-winded-ness. I was watching some The Young Turks clips on YouTube, and thoughts in my head started to bubble out. I was trying to catch them all before any of them hit the ground and were no good anymore haha. I missed a few though >:
[Note: When I say "anti-gay," I mean to describe people who are against the existence of queers and queerness. Not to describe people who are cool with queers but don't support gay marriage; I have had friends who felt this way. It took me a short while to wrap my head around that way of thinking; I don't agree with it, but I understand it now. I'm ok with my friends thinking like that. It doesn't affect me as much as I thought it should have. That being said, what they think should not (legally) dictate how I get to live my peaceful, harmless life haha.]
I think we should ask sexually straight people to try to become asexual. Why? Because asking them to become gay doesn't help us prove a point unless they're actually open to giving it a shot. Even if they think they do give it a try, because they are straight, they don't try very hard to experience the emotions or attraction and just believe they naturally make the "right decision." They have nothing to lose if they can't feel anything for the same sex, while queers who desperately want to be "normal" do feel like they have everything to lose and will try their fucking hardest to feel what they're "supposed" to feel. But when they don't feel it, they're "not trying hard enough." If straight people can't feel queer emotions or attractions, they can't explain their "decision," believe that they are making a choice (in the sense that gay does not feel like an option for them, just like straight doesn't feel like an option for queers), or believe that we are so abominable that we can go against the natural instinct of being straight--it feels like instinct to them.
Now, why ask straight people to try asexuality or ask them to try anything else at all? To make them see how ridiculously difficult their question is to answer and to provide evidence for. Being asexual is different from the norm and doesn't go against any religious beliefs and thus doesn't make them feel like they're sinning, so they can't try to throw that in our faces as an excuse to not try. When straight people say we can choose not to be gay, that's them saying we can choose not to be attracted to the same sex; so it should be true that straight people can simply choose not to be attracted to the opposite sex. Since they think it's a choice to be attracted to either sex, and we queers generally know they can't choose to be attracted to the same sex, I think it's fair to request that straight people attempt the same proposal to prove to us that it is possible for anyone, straight or queer, to make that choice. We could put them in a room full of sexually attractive members of the opposite sex and tell them not to notice their sexual attractiveness and not to feel sexual attraction whatsoever.
When a straight person tells me (to choose) not to be gay, this is the scenario that I think they want to see: They show me a female whom I find sexually attractive at that moment. At the snap of my fingers, I don't think she's sexually attractive at all anymore. I've chosen to find her non-attractive right then and there because I can.
If you tell anyone to do that, would that actually work? If someone said they could do that, I would think they were lying to me. But that's just because I can't believe them. I don't trust that they're telling me the truth. Just like anti-gay people wouldn't believe me if I said I tried to find a male person sexually attractive but couldn't. I probably wasn't trying hard enough. I think this just proves a question like "Why can't you choose to be straight/gay/asexual?" is ultimately a waste of time. Even if we all attempted to answer this question, the questioners wouldn't believe any answer or explanation that doesn't meet the standards that they set when they asked the question--the standards being there is only one right answer and there is no way to change my mind unless you can make me feel what you feel. But we can't really make others feel what they strongly don't want to feel. No adamantly anti-gay person is gonna seriously say, "Oh, I saw with my own eyes that you took me seriously and tried really hard to change. And I can see that you couldn't do it. I guess I am wrong, and you can't choose." No adamantly pro-gay person is gonna seriously say, "Oh, I saw with my own eyes that you took me seriously and didn't need to try that hard to change. I guess I am wrong, and you can choose."
"Why don't you choose to be gay?" is a nice, witty retort. It makes us feel good for a moment because we bested the opposition on that point. But it doesn't really get us anywhere closer to common ground, especially now that it seems to be used by pro-gay folks only as a witty retort and treated by anti-gay folks only as a trivial retort rather than an actual challenge that deserves some serious consideration.
Random: I've been told some anti-gay folks would prefer that gay people were asexual, so that we just would stop sinning and/or committing abhorrent sexual practices. Is this true? I thought they wanted us to be straight and make babies. Or simply burn in hell.
Another random: If homosexuality is as bad a sin as murder, and murderers who stop murdering generally aren't forgiven for their past crimes, are ex-gays unforgivable for their past gay crimes too? I mean, yeah, the one-time offenders may be forgiven, depending on the circumstances. But would forgiveness be granted to serial killers or mass murderers who supposedly repent? What about the serial gays who become ex-gays? The forgiveness that I'm talking about here isn't from God but from the people who judge the sinner. And "serial gays" could mean whatever you want it to mean.
Different topic: In general, I think it's easier for gay people to imagine being straight than for straight people to imagine being gay because we're inundated by heteronormative/straight behavior just about everywhere we go. Straight is generally the default setting; we believe we're straight until some event, person, or moment makes us do a double take.
Most of the information about queer people that close-minded, straight people have tend to come from their own imagination; the stereotypes and beliefs about us come from very little exposure to actual queer people. I mean, queer people are exposed to straight people most of their lives; so we stereotype straight people, but we're aware that there are all types of straight people. There are nice ones and mean ones. It's the same in the queer community. But because of the lack of exposure, people generalize and leave it at that without taking the time to investigate their presumptions and to get to know individuals.
How I see things: Every person is a potential friend. When we judge another person before we get to know them and don't give them a chance to be a good part of our lives, we're reducing our lives' potential. Obviously, we run the risk of meeting not-nice people who aren't good for us. But sometimes, I think it's good to know firsthand who is good and who is bad for us.
Don't just assume a group of people can't add goodness to your life. All that potential will just go to waste. (I was going to make a physics analogy, but that's much too nerdy.)
I know that everything I've typed is based on sexual attraction rather than romantic attraction. It was just easier to simplify. Besides, romantic attraction is a whole other beast to tackle in regards to pro-gay versus anti-gay. Though, you can obviously substitute "romantic" for "sexual" in what I've got typed up there.
Romantic attraction is more emotional. I feel that trying to argue about emotions is even more fruitless than arguing about physical attraction. Physical attraction may be somewhat relatable and understandable just because it's considered to be an "animalistic" quality shared by all human beings. Romantic attraction isn't really considered in the same way; I don't know what descriptor fits romantic attraction. But to try to explain something so abstract, so personal, so individualized, is such a difficult task. No one can truly, without a doubt, understand what you feel. What you feel is what you feel; to get someone else to know exactly what you're feeling is so close to impossible. Even if you could, you don't know if they actually get it. You can only assume that they do when they say they do. To get anywhere close to that impossibility requires a large amount of empathy, which I tend to feel is very much lacking in these kinds of arguments.
Rawr.
I apologize for the randomness, rambling, and long-winded-ness. I was watching some The Young Turks clips on YouTube, and thoughts in my head started to bubble out. I was trying to catch them all before any of them hit the ground and were no good anymore haha. I missed a few though >:
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Third job?
Remember that job that I almost got with Randstad back in December/January? Well, now I've pretty much got it :) I should be starting sometime in the beginning of August.
Still in Mountain View. It will be one mile farther from home than KPI was and definitely farther than KSC was, but it's ok. With the wage I'll be getting, it kinda makes up for the increased cost of fuel. Hours will be 7AM to 3:30PM; so I'm happy about that. Two-year contract, so if I don't screw up in some strange way, I'll be all right for a while. I'll have to deal with not-too-bad morning traffic to Mountain View on 101. Going home will be fairly quick too, I think.
Casual work atmosphere allows me to wear jeans :D Yay! I can wear my button-ups without worrying about overheating. Yay, AC! I will actually look forward to going to work because I won't overheat, I'll be able to listen to my music, and I'm more likely to be around people I could connect to (you know, if I decide to talk to anyone haha).
Now, I just have to submit forms and whatnot and wait about another week and a half to start.
Though, supposedly, some recruiter wants to interview me next week for a data entry job in San Jose, except they haven't contacted me yet with details about anything. All I know is it would probably be much closer to home, and the wage is $15 per hour. But it's all good. I've got a job waiting to start. If I get the job in SJ, and it actually matches the job description, I'll switch for the closer job. But for now, working in Mountain View will be awesome. It could encourage me to finally move out of San Jose.
I've noticed that all of the jobs I've ever had have been located around San Jose but never in it. I suppose I have a somewhat long-term either-or goal: Either get a job in San Jose so it's close to home or continue working outside of San Jose and eventually move out of here. We'll see what happens.
Oh yeah, I think I might try to find a part-time evening or weekend job, just to help bring in a little more money. After next month's rent, I'm gonna be low on funds for a short while, but I need to help out my family. Not sure how I'll pull that off yet. If you hear of any part-time work I could do after 4PM on weekdays or anytime on the weekends, please let me know :)
Btw, Brother got himself into a jail release program. Early release if heworks for free (Edit: takes a seven-hour class on how to improve his life situation and get his life together). Basically an alternative to incarceration. So he got out yesterday afternoon, I had dinner with him and Karina yesterday evening, and then he started his full-time job (Edit: class) at the Sheriff's this morning at 8. I dropped him off, and I have to go pick him up now.
It's interesting how life goes sometimes. Sometimes it's predictable, and other times I wonder if life just pretends to be predictable.
Still in Mountain View. It will be one mile farther from home than KPI was and definitely farther than KSC was, but it's ok. With the wage I'll be getting, it kinda makes up for the increased cost of fuel. Hours will be 7AM to 3:30PM; so I'm happy about that. Two-year contract, so if I don't screw up in some strange way, I'll be all right for a while. I'll have to deal with not-too-bad morning traffic to Mountain View on 101. Going home will be fairly quick too, I think.
Casual work atmosphere allows me to wear jeans :D Yay! I can wear my button-ups without worrying about overheating. Yay, AC! I will actually look forward to going to work because I won't overheat, I'll be able to listen to my music, and I'm more likely to be around people I could connect to (you know, if I decide to talk to anyone haha).
Now, I just have to submit forms and whatnot and wait about another week and a half to start.
Though, supposedly, some recruiter wants to interview me next week for a data entry job in San Jose, except they haven't contacted me yet with details about anything. All I know is it would probably be much closer to home, and the wage is $15 per hour. But it's all good. I've got a job waiting to start. If I get the job in SJ, and it actually matches the job description, I'll switch for the closer job. But for now, working in Mountain View will be awesome. It could encourage me to finally move out of San Jose.
I've noticed that all of the jobs I've ever had have been located around San Jose but never in it. I suppose I have a somewhat long-term either-or goal: Either get a job in San Jose so it's close to home or continue working outside of San Jose and eventually move out of here. We'll see what happens.
Oh yeah, I think I might try to find a part-time evening or weekend job, just to help bring in a little more money. After next month's rent, I'm gonna be low on funds for a short while, but I need to help out my family. Not sure how I'll pull that off yet. If you hear of any part-time work I could do after 4PM on weekdays or anytime on the weekends, please let me know :)
Btw, Brother got himself into a jail release program. Early release if he
It's interesting how life goes sometimes. Sometimes it's predictable, and other times I wonder if life just pretends to be predictable.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Is this the first time I've given up on something?
Tuesday night, I quit my job by email. Not how I wanted to quit. Well, I didn't want to quit. But I couldn't handle my stress; I actually ended up crying at work. I felt so pathetic. But I knew I wasn't going to be happy there, and I knew I would always be stressed if they didn't give me some training because I felt like I wasn't catching up where it was necessary. I made so many mistakes, and the only time I would know would be when they told me I did something wrong. They would tell me what was wrong and kinda tell me how to avoid making that mistake.
I was getting the what-to-do's of my job, but I wasn't necessarily understanding the how's. And definitely not the why's. And there really weren't many explanations for my job; it was less show, more tell. Because I didn't understand why I was doing certain things, I didn't always know when I should do them.
They held me responsible for things that I know I should be responsible for, but they had to understand I was still new to the job and I didn't know where everything was yet. Missing or misplaced hard drives and chassis. I didn't touch those particular parts; they had gone missing from Johnny's time in inventory. I know this because I did the physical inventory count on his last day and noted that those particular items were missing. But since he wasn't there anymore, I was responsible; they told me I had to find out what happened to the parts, but I didn't know how I was supposed to find out. If the people who have worked there for years don't know how to find out (and they had done my job before), how I am to know?
I need some guidance because I had zero experience.
The fact that inventory was only partly organized and all over the place made it difficult for me to track and find parts, especially the motherboards and chassis. Give me time to figure where everything is? Please stop moving the parts around without letting me know. But that happened, and I was held responsible when other people moved our parts without my knowledge. At least write it down on the note cards for me, or even just leave me a note on my desk. Why was I solely holding responsibility for the inventory when anyone else could go into inventory and take what they need? I couldn't always be in the inventory rooms. I had many places to be: my desk, main inventory room, second inventory room, third inventory room, Production (which was very large), back of warehouse, and front office.
Mainly I was just overwhelmed by how many responsibilities I had going in. Receiving, scanning, picking, counting, submitting RMAs, returning RMAs, updating information in the RMA software, emailing manufacturers about RMAs, adjusting sales order items, packaging, tracking things down. Because I was new to all of these responsibilities, I should have been eased into some of them. At the least, there should have been some thorough training and maybe a list of what my priorities should have been. I mean, after all, I was expecting to do assembly work because that's where my strongest skills lie; and there's not that much variety in assembly.
I wish I wasn't complaining about the company, but I just didn't fit in that work environment and the work environment didn't fit me. I would rather quit and use my time to find other work that suits me. So I'm hoping everything will work out. I know I could do the job I had, but only with proper training. Please explain to me why I'm doing something; so in the future, when I run into that reason, I know what to do next.
Blah. I felt so pathetic quitting the job, but I'm weaksauce when it comes to stress. Stressors from work and family built up too much. Can't quit family, so gotta quit the job. Haven't told my family. Hoping I won't have to.
I was offered a temp data entry job with Randstad, the same one from December. I just need to resubmit some forms that they'll email me. Hopefully, this job won't fall through this time. Yeah, still $10 an hour, but it's cool; I don't really drive around much. No overtime at Randstad either, I think; though, I don't think this last job paid me for overtime; either that, or they withheld a lot more of my pay than I expected. Anyway, Randstad job is in Mountain View, a mile and a half farther away from home than my old job in Fremont.
I really miss my job in Fremont. I miss my coworkers the most. They treated me like family; it was nice.
I've been applying to jobs on Craigslist and Snagajob nonstop. C'mon, data entry jobs, get back to me.
I just want a job with some training. Good on-the-job training that prepares me well. I mean, I know if I got a job where my mechanical skills came into use, training would be easier. If I get another office job, training might have to be a little more intensive and structured for me because of the multitasking that's involved.
I'm giving myself about two or so weeks to secure a job before I decide my family needs to know I don't have a job. This is so fun.
Oh yeah, Brother went to jail on Tuesday too. I didn't think it would affect me so much, but that thought affected me the whole day. I wasn't expecting it to have such an impact on me because I feel like it didn't really before. Maybe because I see the improvement he's made in his life and the fact that he's going to be a father to a little girl, I have hope that this will be the last time he seriously messes up.
Ah, I'm just a well of emotion this week.
I was getting the what-to-do's of my job, but I wasn't necessarily understanding the how's. And definitely not the why's. And there really weren't many explanations for my job; it was less show, more tell. Because I didn't understand why I was doing certain things, I didn't always know when I should do them.
They held me responsible for things that I know I should be responsible for, but they had to understand I was still new to the job and I didn't know where everything was yet. Missing or misplaced hard drives and chassis. I didn't touch those particular parts; they had gone missing from Johnny's time in inventory. I know this because I did the physical inventory count on his last day and noted that those particular items were missing. But since he wasn't there anymore, I was responsible; they told me I had to find out what happened to the parts, but I didn't know how I was supposed to find out. If the people who have worked there for years don't know how to find out (and they had done my job before), how I am to know?
I need some guidance because I had zero experience.
The fact that inventory was only partly organized and all over the place made it difficult for me to track and find parts, especially the motherboards and chassis. Give me time to figure where everything is? Please stop moving the parts around without letting me know. But that happened, and I was held responsible when other people moved our parts without my knowledge. At least write it down on the note cards for me, or even just leave me a note on my desk. Why was I solely holding responsibility for the inventory when anyone else could go into inventory and take what they need? I couldn't always be in the inventory rooms. I had many places to be: my desk, main inventory room, second inventory room, third inventory room, Production (which was very large), back of warehouse, and front office.
Mainly I was just overwhelmed by how many responsibilities I had going in. Receiving, scanning, picking, counting, submitting RMAs, returning RMAs, updating information in the RMA software, emailing manufacturers about RMAs, adjusting sales order items, packaging, tracking things down. Because I was new to all of these responsibilities, I should have been eased into some of them. At the least, there should have been some thorough training and maybe a list of what my priorities should have been. I mean, after all, I was expecting to do assembly work because that's where my strongest skills lie; and there's not that much variety in assembly.
I wish I wasn't complaining about the company, but I just didn't fit in that work environment and the work environment didn't fit me. I would rather quit and use my time to find other work that suits me. So I'm hoping everything will work out. I know I could do the job I had, but only with proper training. Please explain to me why I'm doing something; so in the future, when I run into that reason, I know what to do next.
Blah. I felt so pathetic quitting the job, but I'm weaksauce when it comes to stress. Stressors from work and family built up too much. Can't quit family, so gotta quit the job. Haven't told my family. Hoping I won't have to.
I was offered a temp data entry job with Randstad, the same one from December. I just need to resubmit some forms that they'll email me. Hopefully, this job won't fall through this time. Yeah, still $10 an hour, but it's cool; I don't really drive around much. No overtime at Randstad either, I think; though, I don't think this last job paid me for overtime; either that, or they withheld a lot more of my pay than I expected. Anyway, Randstad job is in Mountain View, a mile and a half farther away from home than my old job in Fremont.
I really miss my job in Fremont. I miss my coworkers the most. They treated me like family; it was nice.
I've been applying to jobs on Craigslist and Snagajob nonstop. C'mon, data entry jobs, get back to me.
I just want a job with some training. Good on-the-job training that prepares me well. I mean, I know if I got a job where my mechanical skills came into use, training would be easier. If I get another office job, training might have to be a little more intensive and structured for me because of the multitasking that's involved.
I'm giving myself about two or so weeks to secure a job before I decide my family needs to know I don't have a job. This is so fun.
Oh yeah, Brother went to jail on Tuesday too. I didn't think it would affect me so much, but that thought affected me the whole day. I wasn't expecting it to have such an impact on me because I feel like it didn't really before. Maybe because I see the improvement he's made in his life and the fact that he's going to be a father to a little girl, I have hope that this will be the last time he seriously messes up.
Ah, I'm just a well of emotion this week.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Mission Peak and Natural Bridges State Beach
Saturday: MIssion Peak hike with Shiva, Mai, Phil, Amy, and Paul. I thought we were going to take the easier route, but we did not. We used the Stanford Avenue entrance. Steep climb. Bad breathing. Weak left knee. It was all bad. I had to take a break every ten minutes or so. I wanted to give up after about twenty minutes, but I pushed myself past the pain and exhaustion. I think about halfway up the mountain, I started feeling better and took fewer breaks. Finished the ascent in one hour and fifty minutes :D
We took an alternate route down because Phil said it would be easier. It definitely was not. Some parts of the trail were super steep. At one point, Shiva fell >: Luckily, she fell back instead of forward. Then it was my turn to fall. I was slowly stepping down sideways. I decided to take a few steps at a time but gained too much momentum, propelling myself forward until I tripped and fell. Unfortunately, I fell harder on my bad knee and also kinda threw out my left shoulder. But I got up and continued. We finished the descent in one hour and forty minutes. Well, Paul and Amy left without us because they had places to go.
Exhausted and hungry, the rest of us went to eat at Green Cafe in Milpitas. Good pho. Then I was happy to go home, shower, and rest haha.
Sunday: Natural Bridges beach with Shiva. Small beach. Smaller than I remembered from second grade haha. Granted, I was a small child, so everything else looked big. Arrived there around 3PM, but it was kinda cold. Overcast. Breezy. Sand was warm. Water was freezing. Shiva didn't get to boogie-board >: But the waves did get her at the shins. Other than that, we just chilled on the sand and talked about random stuff. (Her birthday is coming up soooon O: She's gonna turn 24! And then she's leaving for law school!) We stayed for almost two hours. Eventually got too chilly, so we headed back to SJ.
Details are lost because I'm exhausted. I need sleep. Rawr.
We took an alternate route down because Phil said it would be easier. It definitely was not. Some parts of the trail were super steep. At one point, Shiva fell >: Luckily, she fell back instead of forward. Then it was my turn to fall. I was slowly stepping down sideways. I decided to take a few steps at a time but gained too much momentum, propelling myself forward until I tripped and fell. Unfortunately, I fell harder on my bad knee and also kinda threw out my left shoulder. But I got up and continued. We finished the descent in one hour and forty minutes. Well, Paul and Amy left without us because they had places to go.
Exhausted and hungry, the rest of us went to eat at Green Cafe in Milpitas. Good pho. Then I was happy to go home, shower, and rest haha.
Sunday: Natural Bridges beach with Shiva. Small beach. Smaller than I remembered from second grade haha. Granted, I was a small child, so everything else looked big. Arrived there around 3PM, but it was kinda cold. Overcast. Breezy. Sand was warm. Water was freezing. Shiva didn't get to boogie-board >: But the waves did get her at the shins. Other than that, we just chilled on the sand and talked about random stuff. (Her birthday is coming up soooon O: She's gonna turn 24! And then she's leaving for law school!) We stayed for almost two hours. Eventually got too chilly, so we headed back to SJ.
Details are lost because I'm exhausted. I need sleep. Rawr.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
SF Pride and Second week at KSC
Pride was this past weekend. I got to enjoy my Saturday there with Shiva, Mai, Ash, Harrison, and a new friend, Theresa (or is it Teresa?). Basically, we just walked around all day. I think the only times we sat down were on the BART and during dinner at KPOP.
We tried to make the start of the Dyke March, but we just barely missed the Dykes on Bikes. Followed the march all the way to Castro. Met up with Matt, Nick, and their friends for a short bit. Went to dinner, where Harrison joined us. I tried Korean beer. Hite. It was not bad. Tried some soju for the first time too. Not my fave; the alcohol is strong. Afterward, walked to Lexington. I was super tired. Yawning every minute. Ash paid attention and kept pointing it out haha.
I like Pride. But there are so many people... I don't know why I continue to want to come back. So many people. Also, every time I go to Pride, I always say I want to have a partner to go to the next Pride with me. Never happened. Never going to happen >: Haha.
Oh, Karina told me her new coworker went to Pride. The coworker said so many fights broke out at Pride that she and her friends just decided to go home where it was safer. Don't know if the fights were event-related or not. Also, there were straight guys at Pride that were going around calling other guys "faggots" and talking trash about them. Supposedly, someone got in their faces about that. The coworker left before she saw what became of this altercation.
I somehow missed all this negative energy. Kinda glad. But also sad that any of this would be happening at all at Pride. Our safe space is being invaded by idiots.
Anyway, work has been ok. Monday was super tough on me. I was on my own. No Johnny to guide me. However, he had sent an email to all of us with his last messages about work and some advice. It kinda helped me. I was still struggling though. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing when I finished a task. So I spent most of my time sitting at my desk, reading online about the various parts that we buy and the products we sell, educating myself a little.
I think I've pretty much got everything down except the RMA stuff. I never quite know which RMA to do and to which manufacturer I must submit the request. So I've asked a lot of questions. I get quick answers, vague answers, I-don't-know answers, and answers I just don't understand or can't follow. I think it's the language barrier. Chinese as their primary language, English as their secondary or tertiary. So how some coworkers explain things doesn't help me understand the answer. But I can't keep asking because everyone's pretty busy.
So Monday was hard because I felt like I wasn't doing anything right, I wasn't going to do anything right, I couldn't keep up, and I couldn't understand the what, how, or why of my job. It all culminated in me feeling completely inadequate and incompetent. I was on the verge of tears at work because I felt all this pressure to do everything right. So overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility placed on me. I wanted to quit already.
Felt like that all day. Even after work, well into the night. I really wanted to just quit so that the responsibilities wouldn't rest on me anymore. That was my emotional side. My logical side told me that I was just irritable because of the unbearable heat. Home is super hot, and work is super hot. I'm just sweating all day. The only times I'm cool enough are on the drive to and from work and in the shower. Once I step out of my car or bathroom, I immediately start sweating from the heat. And if you know me, you know I don't like hot weather. I can't handle it very well.
So yeah, my logical side guessed that if I had started this job in the winter, I probably wouldn't feel this negatively about everything going on at work. I also reasoned that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've never had this much responsibility for anything, so it should take some getting used to. After all, I had applied to be an assembler, not an inventory clerk or RMA associate. Assembly doesn't require as many responsibilities. So it is understandable that I feel overwhelmed by everything that I have to learn in a short amount of time. With little training. Actually, there's no training. They tell me to do something. If I can't figure it out, I ask people questions until someone shows me or I ask enough questions. Then I make mistakes, and someone corrects me. And I hopefully don't make more of the same mistakes.
I'm getting past my moments of hopelessness and negativity. I'll continue to get past them. I'll get better at it, or they'll just stop coming at me. Either way, I know I can succeed if I persist. Just gotta remind myself of that, and everything will be all right :)
Tuesday was better, and today was definitely better. Work has slowed down a little bit. Or rather it's backed up at the beginning of the day, evens out during the middle, and slows to a snail's pace at the end. I'm slowly starting to make small, casual conversation with a few coworkers. I don't feel too much like an outsider anymore. (They're also hiring more Vietnamese people, so I'm not one of two but one of four haha.)
I had about three hours of down time at the end of my day today. There was nothing to do, and no one needed my assistance. I could have spent three hours just being lazy. But instead, I started typing up the procedural steps to my job responsibilities, at least the ones that I'm somewhat comfortable with. At first, it was just so I could have something to refer to and to use as a reminder. Then I changed my mind and decided to make it so that the next person to do my job will have an outline for everything they need to learn. I wish I had an outline or job handbook or something to help me out. But I don't. And I still don't know everything about my job. So I'm making the outlines from what I know and remember. Receiving, inventory, purchase orders, and sales orders are the easiest to remember, so I typed that all out first. Then storage of CPUs and memory. Next is printing. I'll probably add in shipping. RMA will probably be last because I still don't know it well enough.
I figure that if I can write a decent outline of the responsibilities and tasks, that means I actually know and understand what I'm doing. Hopefully, I won't forget any important details. And it will be something good and useful for the next person. But I would probably have to train the next person. If I don't though, they'll have my notes haha.
Do I feel like I'll stay with this company for a long time? Probably not. I mean my desire to quit is pretty weak now. I'm starting to get things right. But I don't feel like I fit well with the company. Like I said before, the people are nice. But the company itself doesn't mesh with me. Few reasons: no AC--I'm dying in there; no training--I feel quite unprepared for a lot of things; little organization--things feel like they're all over the place.
Oh, and since I'm responsible for inventory, anything that's missing will be my fault. We're missing a few things; or rather my physical count did not match Quickbooks. That's on me, even though this stuff went missing before Johnny left. (I did the count when he was still working.) Meh. I'll argue my case if I have to.
So yeah, that's work. I have lots more to say, but I can't remember anymore and I really should be sleeping...
It's Fourth of July weekend. Four-day weekend! I can rest! So tired. Still need to do chores--laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, etc. Maybe after, I'll do fun things with people. Oh, and finish what I can of the outlines. Hope I can remember everything.
Anyway, huzzah! :P
We tried to make the start of the Dyke March, but we just barely missed the Dykes on Bikes. Followed the march all the way to Castro. Met up with Matt, Nick, and their friends for a short bit. Went to dinner, where Harrison joined us. I tried Korean beer. Hite. It was not bad. Tried some soju for the first time too. Not my fave; the alcohol is strong. Afterward, walked to Lexington. I was super tired. Yawning every minute. Ash paid attention and kept pointing it out haha.
I like Pride. But there are so many people... I don't know why I continue to want to come back. So many people. Also, every time I go to Pride, I always say I want to have a partner to go to the next Pride with me. Never happened. Never going to happen >: Haha.
Oh, Karina told me her new coworker went to Pride. The coworker said so many fights broke out at Pride that she and her friends just decided to go home where it was safer. Don't know if the fights were event-related or not. Also, there were straight guys at Pride that were going around calling other guys "faggots" and talking trash about them. Supposedly, someone got in their faces about that. The coworker left before she saw what became of this altercation.
I somehow missed all this negative energy. Kinda glad. But also sad that any of this would be happening at all at Pride. Our safe space is being invaded by idiots.
Anyway, work has been ok. Monday was super tough on me. I was on my own. No Johnny to guide me. However, he had sent an email to all of us with his last messages about work and some advice. It kinda helped me. I was still struggling though. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing when I finished a task. So I spent most of my time sitting at my desk, reading online about the various parts that we buy and the products we sell, educating myself a little.
I think I've pretty much got everything down except the RMA stuff. I never quite know which RMA to do and to which manufacturer I must submit the request. So I've asked a lot of questions. I get quick answers, vague answers, I-don't-know answers, and answers I just don't understand or can't follow. I think it's the language barrier. Chinese as their primary language, English as their secondary or tertiary. So how some coworkers explain things doesn't help me understand the answer. But I can't keep asking because everyone's pretty busy.
So Monday was hard because I felt like I wasn't doing anything right, I wasn't going to do anything right, I couldn't keep up, and I couldn't understand the what, how, or why of my job. It all culminated in me feeling completely inadequate and incompetent. I was on the verge of tears at work because I felt all this pressure to do everything right. So overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility placed on me. I wanted to quit already.
Felt like that all day. Even after work, well into the night. I really wanted to just quit so that the responsibilities wouldn't rest on me anymore. That was my emotional side. My logical side told me that I was just irritable because of the unbearable heat. Home is super hot, and work is super hot. I'm just sweating all day. The only times I'm cool enough are on the drive to and from work and in the shower. Once I step out of my car or bathroom, I immediately start sweating from the heat. And if you know me, you know I don't like hot weather. I can't handle it very well.
So yeah, my logical side guessed that if I had started this job in the winter, I probably wouldn't feel this negatively about everything going on at work. I also reasoned that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've never had this much responsibility for anything, so it should take some getting used to. After all, I had applied to be an assembler, not an inventory clerk or RMA associate. Assembly doesn't require as many responsibilities. So it is understandable that I feel overwhelmed by everything that I have to learn in a short amount of time. With little training. Actually, there's no training. They tell me to do something. If I can't figure it out, I ask people questions until someone shows me or I ask enough questions. Then I make mistakes, and someone corrects me. And I hopefully don't make more of the same mistakes.
I'm getting past my moments of hopelessness and negativity. I'll continue to get past them. I'll get better at it, or they'll just stop coming at me. Either way, I know I can succeed if I persist. Just gotta remind myself of that, and everything will be all right :)
Tuesday was better, and today was definitely better. Work has slowed down a little bit. Or rather it's backed up at the beginning of the day, evens out during the middle, and slows to a snail's pace at the end. I'm slowly starting to make small, casual conversation with a few coworkers. I don't feel too much like an outsider anymore. (They're also hiring more Vietnamese people, so I'm not one of two but one of four haha.)
I had about three hours of down time at the end of my day today. There was nothing to do, and no one needed my assistance. I could have spent three hours just being lazy. But instead, I started typing up the procedural steps to my job responsibilities, at least the ones that I'm somewhat comfortable with. At first, it was just so I could have something to refer to and to use as a reminder. Then I changed my mind and decided to make it so that the next person to do my job will have an outline for everything they need to learn. I wish I had an outline or job handbook or something to help me out. But I don't. And I still don't know everything about my job. So I'm making the outlines from what I know and remember. Receiving, inventory, purchase orders, and sales orders are the easiest to remember, so I typed that all out first. Then storage of CPUs and memory. Next is printing. I'll probably add in shipping. RMA will probably be last because I still don't know it well enough.
I figure that if I can write a decent outline of the responsibilities and tasks, that means I actually know and understand what I'm doing. Hopefully, I won't forget any important details. And it will be something good and useful for the next person. But I would probably have to train the next person. If I don't though, they'll have my notes haha.
Do I feel like I'll stay with this company for a long time? Probably not. I mean my desire to quit is pretty weak now. I'm starting to get things right. But I don't feel like I fit well with the company. Like I said before, the people are nice. But the company itself doesn't mesh with me. Few reasons: no AC--I'm dying in there; no training--I feel quite unprepared for a lot of things; little organization--things feel like they're all over the place.
Oh, and since I'm responsible for inventory, anything that's missing will be my fault. We're missing a few things; or rather my physical count did not match Quickbooks. That's on me, even though this stuff went missing before Johnny left. (I did the count when he was still working.) Meh. I'll argue my case if I have to.
So yeah, that's work. I have lots more to say, but I can't remember anymore and I really should be sleeping...
It's Fourth of July weekend. Four-day weekend! I can rest! So tired. Still need to do chores--laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, etc. Maybe after, I'll do fun things with people. Oh, and finish what I can of the outlines. Hope I can remember everything.
Anyway, huzzah! :P
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