Variable Attraction

Sometimes, I think I see a trend in the kinds of people I find myself attracted to. Other times, I just think to myself, "Wtf? Why do I find them attractive?" or "Why don't I find them attractive?" (Granted, personality is major factor in my overall attraction to someone.)

I've always been attracted to feminine ciswomen and masculine cismen. There was never really any attraction to gender-nonconforming cis people or transfolks. It's been like that for most of my life. Especially with femme, blonde ciswomen.

But I've noticed recently, in the past year or so, that I'm finding myself more and more attracted to gender-nonconforming folks. Mainly androgynous or masculine-presenting ciswomen.

It's weird to me because I don't see myself as feminine or masculine. But I know I lean more toward masculine. Or at least I used to. But yeah, I just never found it attractive before, possibly because I saw myself that way. But now, I think after experiencing life and getting to know people, I've opened myself up to more possibilities?

Maybe I'm coming to the realization that I'm just attracted to people who are comfortable in their skin and aren't assholes about it :) haha.

I think it's also going hand in hand with me becoming more comfortable with my gender expression. I mean, I've been relatively comfortable with it. I still don't really know if I see myself as feminine, masculine, androgynous, or what. I'm trying not to focus on that too much. I'm trying to focus instead on just feeling comfortable in my expression, via clothing, hair, etc.

I think because I don't know how to describe myself and I don't feel like I quite fit into boxes perfectly, people won't find me attractive. Maybe that deterred me from finding certain people attractive. Because I don't think I'm their type; so give up and ignore before trying?

Blah. Must focus on myself. Be happy with myself. Finding people who are happy with who I am and how I express myself will be secondary.

Navigating happiness, insecurities, self-love, and self-esteem issues is hard. But I suppose this will be worth it in the end.

That alone-in-a-crowded-room feeling.

I have this new tendency to book a lot of fun events for myself and to forget that I can't be around people so often without breaks. Breaks of quiet. Breaks of solitude. Forcing my extroversion again, while ignoring my introvert needs.

I need to spend some time with myself. Outside. It has been months since the last time I did this. I've been surrounded by too many people for too long, as well as alone in the wrong environments for too long. Maybe this is why I haven't completely felt like my happy self in a while. Why I have felt disconnected, lonely, and out of place. I tend to only feel lonely when I'm interested in someone I can't have or when I'm surrounded by a lot of people. I currently find myself in both situations often haha.

Ugh. I need to take better care of myself, to stop running away, to refocus, and to find a new balance. If I could get myself back to how I felt in 2013, that would be great. Ideal.


Also, right now, I find myself somewhat enamored with two people, Cat and Amenda. It's strange to me. I tend to focus on one person and not notice anyone else. But this time, it's different. Funny thing is they're dating each other XD Yeah. They're both very attractive people. Their personalities make them even more attractive. Granted, I am very close friends with Cat now, and so my attraction to her is much stronger. I'm starting to get to know Amenda better; I have this feeling that my crush on her is going to grow, possibly to the level of attraction that I have to Cat. It's worrisome because I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll do something stupid.

I've been honest with Cat about this though. And I assume she tells Amenda everything. So yeah [shrug].

I've been thinking about this quite a bit. I'm conflicted. Not used to this more-than-one-girl interest haha. Also don't really wanna be feeling anything for anyone who's in a relationship. I normally shut people out of my life for a while to get over whatever feelings I may have for them. This time, I didn't do that with Cat. I'm trying to invest in our friendship, but that means I'm getting to know her better, which means my feelings get cemented a little more each time we talk. And I'm pretty that's starting to happen with Amenda... I'm playing a dangerous game with my emotions, knowing that nothing's coming out of this for me except for their friendships and my attachment.

Guess we'll see where this goes though... Hopefully nowhere bad haha. I just need to keep myself in check.

Bisexual, Homoromantic

Thinking about things and recent conversations, I guess I'm really not as open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to men. Or I'm open to it, but I really don't think it could happen.

Physically, I'm attracted to both men and women. Though, I definitely find women more attractive most of the time.

Emotionally, I thought I was completely open to either gender. But I think I'm only saying that because I don't want to close off my opportunities with men, despite never really having experienced any attraction to or feelings for them that were as strong as the ones I've felt for women.

But I will be honest. The closest I've ever felt like that for a guy was only in recent years. And that was Matt C haha. He has a lot of qualities that I find attractive in a partner. But he's gay--if he was attracted to women, maybe I would have asked him out a long time ago. But I'm also thinking I probably feel this way about him because he is gay--it's safe to feel this way for him because I don't actually want him to reciprocate the feelings.

The idea of being emotionally attracted to a man doesn't really do much for me. Recently, I've found myself at least physically attracted to two different people, one male and one female, both of which I know somewhat equally well. I've been thinking about hypothetical situations.

Also, some probably irrelevant background: I'm so used to pursuing people. For several months, I had been thinking about putting that on pause. I recently decided that I'm going to not pursue anyone. At least not for a long while. I just need to let it all be. See if maybe life will let someone else's path cross mine and see if someone else will explore this new path. Instead of exploring a new one myself. I just want to see what happens if anything. Though, it's difficult to not pursue someone when I'm interested haha.

So back to the hypothetical situations:

I've been wondering, if the guy asked me out, whether I would say yes and explore that possibility. I would have to think about it.

What if the girl asked me out? Would I say yes to her? I would want to say yes to her without thinking.

If both asked me out, I think I would hold out for the girl.

I'm physically attracted to the guy, but I don't think I really want to give him a chance. I just don't see it happening. I'd just be wondering if I should just wait for a girl to come along.

Also, I really want to get to know and to pursue the girl, but I'm kinda super wary of rejection currently (and, like I said, just let things be). I haven't felt any urge to pursue the guy but maybe to get to know him better as a friend.

Ugh, my brain. My feelings. I hate them sometimes. I want to be open to saying yes to guys. But I just can't feel it happening. I want myself to say yes and just explore it. But I already know I won't find what I want. I'm quite sure, like 99% sure, that I will find what I want and need in another woman. (Obviously, if I ever happen to meet a man who just knocks all these questions out and fulfills me wholly as a person, then I would be happy with him. But right now, I'm sure I won't be meeting any guy like that.)


Anyway, I guess what this all leads to is the realization that I really can only see myself with a woman. The best way to describe myself now is bisexual and homoromantic haha. But queer still works too. My description of my sexuality doesn't actually change much though. For the past four or so years, I've been telling people that I find women much more attractive than men; that I'm pretty sure I'll end up with a woman, but I'm not averse to the idea of being with a man. Now, I just have to say I think I am a little averse. I really just haven't met many if any guys who really pull me in like women have.

Bisexual, homoromantic. Hmm. I guess I just have to come to terms with this. It's not a big deal, but it kinda still feels like one. Hmm.

I think I'm blind to symbolism.

I just want to ramble instead of going to sleep. I should sleep. I have to get up early to drive Brother to his class. But I want to ramble and get some thoughts out of my head.

I watched more TYT video clips today because I was bored. Just watched: http://youtu.be/dhp5zuL7Nes

All I saw was Bert and Ernie cuddling on the couch, watching TV. That's still mostly what I see. There may be intended symbolism in there. But what do I know about symbolism in visual or written format? Symbolism was one of the most difficult things I had to struggle with in my English classes (I had sooo many symbolism projects for both published literature and artwork/advertisements), and I think I'm pretty damn good at academic English when I try.

So liberals and conservatives alike attributed symbolic qualities to the Bert and Ernie cover image. Promoting the gay agenda, sexualizing characters that can influence children, and showing support for the gay community are some of the conclusions that people have drawn. Right or wrong, it's still just an image. The only reason you see a symbol there is that you yourself have put the symbol there.

Anyway, I tend to not see symbols when I look at or read something. Not unless it's clearly labeled as a symbol or until someone else points out the symbolism. Maybe some symbolism is just too complex for my brain haha; I don't know. But yeah, I don't always see it for myself. Like with Bert and Ernie, I see the symbolism now that it's been pointed out, but I still don't really see it. It's mainly just an image to me. Does it make me feel a little happier on the inside to see it? Yeah, I enjoyed Sesame Street when I was a child; so seeing some familiar characters interacting in a familiar way makes me happy. It makes me happy to see some physical expression of happiness and love, even in the medium of puppets.

I just have to ask: Why can't two males show affection for one another without it being gay or wrong? Yeah, yeah, I know, masculinity and heteronormativity. But really, why? Why attribute anything negative to something that is supposed to increase your level of happiness and closeness to another human being? Hugs have supposedly been scientifically proven to make people feel better, obviously as long as they are consensual and used positively. So why can't two guys do that for each other, whether they are gay or straight? Why does it have to symbolize anything? Why can't it just be two guys supporting each other or being happy in each other's presence?

Yeah, Bert and Ernie could be gay. Who am I to declare what they are? Only they would truly know. (But they're puppets... So I don't think we will ever get a straight answer from either of them.) Yeah, they are cuddling in front of the TV in the image. Why can't we have an image of that? What is the essential wrongness (or rightness) of that image, in and of itself, without the symbolism that we personally attribute to it? When I saw that picture, I just saw two characters cuddling. Two characters cuddling is two characters cuddling. I don't necessarily see right or wrong, good or evil. The most I would assume from that image is that they are watching TV together, or maybe one of them is asleep; I can't see their faces, so I dunno. As for the cuddling, what does that mean? It could mean anything. But why does it have to mean anything to us? I mean, friends cuddle, siblings cuddle, lovers cuddle, anyone can cuddle. Does it have to mean anything more than "I feel comfortable around you" or "I love you"? I just don't get it.

Just so you know, in my head, Bert and Ernie do really like and love each other. It's not like they have been depicted as hating each other.


Words are so powerful. Symbolism wouldn't exist without words. We use words to attach symbols to everything we experience. Words themselves are symbols. What is a word? It's an abstract thing. We can't actually see, smell, taste, hear, or touch it, unless we give it a physical existence by writing it or typing it. Even then, we can't actually touch the thing that we call a word. It's a thought in our head that we learned from our peers, graphite on paper, ink on a canvas, photons on a screen, scratches on a bench. When we touch the manifested letters on that paper or on that bench, it still only exists in our brains. What we touch is paper, wood, metal, atoms. (Well, if we want to get technical, nothing ever actually touches anything.) Atoms aren't words.

It's funny. There is a word--well, there are probably infinitely many--out there that doesn't exist yet. So that nonexistent word doesn't represent or symbolize anything. But when that word gets thought of and starts manifesting in people's minds via social interaction, it's gonna mean something to people. Right now, it doesn't, but one day it will. It has the potential to make money, to destroy lives, to divide people, to do so much good, and to do so much bad. It's a damn word that doesn't even exist yet, but it's got so much potential energy waiting to be released because it doesn't exist yet. Once it comes into existence, all that energy changes into kinetic energy, giving that word speed, force, power, and momentum. And it will have a constant supply of energy until people stop using it and stop believing in its power, existence, or meaning. It's kinda like The Game ("I lost the game"); it doesn't exist until you give it existence. It's crazy that all of this is possible for a currently nonexistent word. The human mind creates so much potential.

So this abstract idea that we call a word allows us to see and experience our world in a way that's different from the typical animal's experience. Without words, we just recognize familiar things, people, and experiences. We recognize that we want more of what gives us a positive experience or feeling and we want to avoid what is negative. With words, we do the same thing, but words simplifies the process and yet can make it so complicated. We can recognize, categorize, organize, discriminate, and manipulate. Without words, hugs between any two people is a positive thing. When you hug someone and don't think about it, you just naturally feel good. With words, the recognition and simplification is "hugs are good because they make me feel good." The complexity, however, results in "two guys hugging is gay/bad" or even "front hugging tempts people into having sex." (That's a real thing. I just learned about the existence of Christian side hugging today.) How do people come to this conclusion?

Without words, you wouldn't believe anything until you experienced it yourself many times to establish a pattern, unless you find exceptions. Then you're just cautious enough to look out for the exceptions, or I would hope so. With words, you just have to believe the person who's telling you something as if it were a fact. You don't need to experience it yourself because someone else supposedly already experienced it for you. How do you know something is true until you make yourself know it's true, rather than having someone else let you know it's true?

Besides, someone else's word might not mean the same as your own word. We just assume that they mean the same thing because we use the same word. But we can't truly know that they mean the same thing.


Blah. I've lost my train of thought. This post was supposed to be about how I suck at seeing symbolism, but I didn't really stick to that. But what else could I say about my inability to see symbolism? I can't see it. So when others see it, I have to look again until I see it. Even then, I just think to myself, "Interesting. I see it, but I don't actually see it. How does this person see this so easily? Why do they see it this way?"

Mm. People and their brains and their ways of thinking. So intriguing what comes out of them.


Oh, I've always found the idea that people can be symbols to be very fascinating. I get why they are symbols to certain people. I can see how. But I still just see them as a person who took on some role or did something that inspired others. Just a person who did something that other people noticed. If no one notices you, you can't be a symbol of anything to others.


Thoughts are too complex to be fully formed right now. It's after midnight. Dang it. Not again. I have to start going to bed early soon, like this week. If all goes well, I start work early next Monday :D

Choose your sexuality. Can't? Try harder.

Since anti-gay people continually demand that gay people should just change our minds and become straight because sexuality is so obviously a choice, what question should we ask of anti-gay folks to turn the tables? So far, I've heard pro-gay people ask, "Why don't you try to become gay?" Answers have been, of course, "I tried, and I just can't be gay," "No, I'm not a sinner, so I would never choose to go against God," other similar answers, and no answers. Pro-gay folks have also asked, "When did you decide to become straight?" Answers include: "... I guess I never really had to decide," "I've known I was straight since forever" (That doesn't answer when you decided to be straight), and "I've never thought about that before." I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "I decided to be straight," unless they were coming from ex-gay therapy.

[Note: When I say "anti-gay," I mean to describe people who are against the existence of queers and queerness. Not to describe people who are cool with queers but don't support gay marriage; I have had friends who felt this way. It took me a short while to wrap my head around that way of thinking; I don't agree with it, but I understand it now. I'm ok with my friends thinking like that. It doesn't affect me as much as I thought it should have. That being said, what they think should not (legally) dictate how I get to live my peaceful, harmless life haha.]

I think we should ask sexually straight people to try to become asexual. Why? Because asking them to become gay doesn't help us prove a point unless they're actually open to giving it a shot. Even if they think they do give it a try, because they are straight, they don't try very hard to experience the emotions or attraction and just believe they naturally make the "right decision." They have nothing to lose if they can't feel anything for the same sex, while queers who desperately want to be "normal" do feel like they have everything to lose and will try their fucking hardest to feel what they're "supposed" to feel. But when they don't feel it, they're "not trying hard enough." If straight people can't feel queer emotions or attractions, they can't explain their "decision," believe that they are making a choice (in the sense that gay does not feel like an option for them, just like straight doesn't feel like an option for queers), or believe that we are so abominable that we can go against the natural instinct of being straight--it feels like instinct to them.

Now, why ask straight people to try asexuality or ask them to try anything else at all? To make them see how ridiculously difficult their question is to answer and to provide evidence for. Being asexual is different from the norm and doesn't go against any religious beliefs and thus doesn't make them feel like they're sinning, so they can't try to throw that in our faces as an excuse to not try. When straight people say we can choose not to be gay, that's them saying we can choose not to be attracted to the same sex; so it should be true that straight people can simply choose not to be attracted to the opposite sex. Since they think it's a choice to be attracted to either sex, and we queers generally know they can't choose to be attracted to the same sex, I think it's fair to request that straight people attempt the same proposal to prove to us that it is possible for anyone, straight or queer, to make that choice. We could put them in a room full of sexually attractive members of the opposite sex and tell them not to notice their sexual attractiveness and not to feel sexual attraction whatsoever.

When a straight person tells me (to choose) not to be gay, this is the scenario that I think they want to see: They show me a female whom I find sexually attractive at that moment. At the snap of my fingers, I don't think she's sexually attractive at all anymore. I've chosen to find her non-attractive right then and there because I can.

If you tell anyone to do that, would that actually work? If someone said they could do that, I would think they were lying to me. But that's just because I can't believe them. I don't trust that they're telling me the truth. Just like anti-gay people wouldn't believe me if I said I tried to find a male person sexually attractive but couldn't. I probably wasn't trying hard enough. I think this just proves a question like "Why can't you choose to be straight/gay/asexual?" is ultimately a waste of time. Even if we all attempted to answer this question, the questioners wouldn't believe any answer or explanation that doesn't meet the standards that they set when they asked the question--the standards being there is only one right answer and there is no way to change my mind unless you can make me feel what you feel. But we can't really make others feel what they strongly don't want to feel. No adamantly anti-gay person is gonna seriously say, "Oh, I saw with my own eyes that you took me seriously and tried really hard to change. And I can see that you couldn't do it. I guess I am wrong, and you can't choose." No adamantly pro-gay person is gonna seriously say, "Oh, I saw with my own eyes that you took me seriously and didn't need to try that hard to change. I guess I am wrong, and you can choose."

"Why don't you choose to be gay?" is a nice, witty retort. It makes us feel good for a moment because we bested the opposition on that point. But it doesn't really get us anywhere closer to common ground, especially now that it seems to be used by pro-gay folks only as a witty retort and treated by anti-gay folks only as a trivial retort rather than an actual challenge that deserves some serious consideration.


Random: I've been told some anti-gay folks would prefer that gay people were asexual, so that we just would stop sinning and/or committing abhorrent sexual practices. Is this true? I thought they wanted us to be straight and make babies. Or simply burn in hell.

Another random: If homosexuality is as bad a sin as murder, and murderers who stop murdering generally aren't forgiven for their past crimes, are ex-gays unforgivable for their past gay crimes too? I mean, yeah, the one-time offenders may be forgiven, depending on the circumstances. But would forgiveness be granted to serial killers or mass murderers who supposedly repent? What about the serial gays who become ex-gays? The forgiveness that I'm talking about here isn't from God but from the people who judge the sinner. And "serial gays" could mean whatever you want it to mean.


Different topic: In general, I think it's easier for gay people to imagine being straight than for straight people to imagine being gay because we're inundated by heteronormative/straight behavior just about everywhere we go. Straight is generally the default setting; we believe we're straight until some event, person, or moment makes us do a double take.

Most of the information about queer people that close-minded, straight people have tend to come from their own imagination; the stereotypes and beliefs about us come from very little exposure to actual queer people. I mean, queer people are exposed to straight people most of their lives; so we stereotype straight people, but we're aware that there are all types of straight people. There are nice ones and mean ones. It's the same in the queer community. But because of the lack of exposure, people generalize and leave it at that without taking the time to investigate their presumptions and to get to know individuals.


How I see things: Every person is a potential friend. When we judge another person before we get to know them and don't give them a chance to be a good part of our lives, we're reducing our lives' potential. Obviously, we run the risk of meeting not-nice people who aren't good for us. But sometimes, I think it's good to know firsthand who is good and who is bad for us.

Don't just assume a group of people can't add goodness to your life. All that potential will just go to waste. (I was going to make a physics analogy, but that's much too nerdy.)


I know that everything I've typed is based on sexual attraction rather than romantic attraction. It was just easier to simplify. Besides, romantic attraction is a whole other beast to tackle in regards to pro-gay versus anti-gay. Though, you can obviously substitute "romantic" for "sexual" in what I've got typed up there.

Romantic attraction is more emotional. I feel that trying to argue about emotions is even more fruitless than arguing about physical attraction. Physical attraction may be somewhat relatable and understandable just because it's considered to be an "animalistic" quality shared by all human beings. Romantic attraction isn't really considered in the same way; I don't know what descriptor fits romantic attraction. But to try to explain something so abstract, so personal, so individualized, is such a difficult task. No one can truly, without a doubt, understand what you feel. What you feel is what you feel; to get someone else to know exactly what you're feeling is so close to impossible. Even if you could, you don't know if they actually get it. You can only assume that they do when they say they do. To get anywhere close to that impossibility requires a large amount of empathy, which I tend to feel is very much lacking in these kinds of arguments.


Rawr.


I apologize for the randomness, rambling, and long-winded-ness. I was watching some The Young Turks clips on YouTube, and thoughts in my head started to bubble out. I was trying to catch them all before any of them hit the ground and were no good anymore haha. I missed a few though >:

Pride 2012

So I went to Pride yesterday and today with Matt C, Nick C, Vivi N, and Derrick Q. Basically followed Vivi the whole weekend (part of our group's working buddy system). Spent Saturday night/Sunday morning in a nice hotel in Union Square.

SF Pride was a mixed bag. Saturday was great! Sunday could have been better, but it also could have been worse. Now, I'm absolutely exhausted in many ways.

Saturday, the four of us BARTed up from Fremont. We checked out the festival in the afternoon. A few of us got some food. At one point, Vivi and I lost the guys. We did run into Amirissa (I know her from ST, and Vivi knows her from SJSU). Later in the day, she and I went to see the Dyke March. Ran into a former SJSU classmate and her girlfriend :) I remember running into her the first time I went to Pride back in 2009. After, met up with Harrison and Jen. Spent a while with them. Vivi and I just chilled in the hotel room afterward. Her friend, Olivia P, joined us. Took the MUNI. Checked out the Pink Party. Not what we expected. Thought it would be crazier. Met back up with the guys before they headed to Gameboi. Last thing Vivi, Olivia, and I did on Saturday night was eat dinner at King of Thai. Great food.

Vivi and I got back to the hotel a little after midnight. Cleaned up and got ready for bed. I had some Smirnoff Ice, Sour Apple Bite. Tasty. We were lying on the bed, talking for a while.

It was a good day and night up until that point.

After that, various conversations in which Vivi and I partook changed the atmosphere of our weekend. A lot of anger, sadness, resentment, and other negative states culminated in a tense early Sunday morning. Two instances of a friend storming out of the room. The first time, Vivi and I took after our friend. The second time, we didn't know what to do. So everyone in the room just stayed in and waited. There were few if any constructive conversations, which made me really sad. It was also difficult to watch my friends be hurt and hurt each other in whatever way they did. I didn't know what to do, except to lie in bed, wait, and watch.

Oh, we had two extra guests in the room, which did not take anything away from the tension. Instead, they probably added to it.

No one slept before 4 or 5 in the morning. I stayed awake much of the morning because I couldn't get to sleep until the sun started to come up. Awoke at 8:15 and stayed up listening to my iPod and just thinking about my friends. I texted a few friends, whom I had planned to meet with during the parade, to tell them I couldn't hang out with them. I felt sad to do that, but I was in no mood nor did I have the energy to go searching for more friends. I hate canceling on people, but I didn't think it would be right for me to bring them down with my mood. Seriously, I was so unhappy...

Morning was relatively quiet. Strained conversation. A friend's quick departure to the festival.

The rest of us took our time to get ready and to check out of the room. Went to eat breakfast/lunch at King of Thai. Then went to the festival. Met up with two friends for a short while. Then headed to the API stage. Saw Brian D and Trung N there (long time, no see). Didn't get to catch up, and don't know when we will have an opportunity to do so. Spent the next 1.5 hours near the API stage. Some good and bad singing. Great dance performances. Frustrations and impatience increased while we were here. Then we all decided to go home.

BARTing home. Crowded. Cramped. But quick. Unhappy energy. I fell asleep because of the lack of sleep I had.


This weekend was supposed to help me de-stress after the week I've had. Though, when I had gone to Matt's place to sleep over Friday night, I didn't really feel like going anymore. But I went because we had all made plans to go together, and I didn't want to throw a wrench into that just because I wasn't happy about my week. Saturday was worth it. I got rid of a lot of stress and gained some wonderful memories. Sunday, beginning sometime after midnight, distressed me more than it helped me de-stress. All the tension that I felt slip away a little on Saturday came back threefold on Sunday. The tension ebbed and flowed Sunday, but it was constantly there.

There was a lot of good this weekend, but I feel like today was too much for me. I focused on the good when I could. But the bad just kept poking its head in. Being surrounded by thousands of people did not help me. I could feel my anxiety increase throughout the day...


Now I'm home. I'm tired. My brain is functioning well below normal capacity. The tight feeling in my chest isn't tightening, but it hasn't disappeared.

I hope my friends can find their peace. Even if just a little bit. Some peace would be better than none.

I started off this weekend really only worried about one friend/person. It's ending with me worried about at least two more. And I'm still trying to remember that I can't change my friends' lives. I can only give what I can in terms of observation, support, encouraging words, constructive advice, and realistic viewpoints.

I still wish people could at least try to talk to each other openly, honestly, and without prejudice. It's difficult, but it often gets you somewhere. Shutting people out and avoiding confrontation hurts everyone involved.

But we can't change people. We can't make them act or think differently just because we want them to. But that doesn't mean we can't tell them what we think or believe. How they take what we say depends on them. Hopefully, it's with an open mind.


What I feel right now is unhappiness. Helplessness. Worry. But also some hope that things will get better. Even if they don't, I have to remember life goes on and we go on with it. I'm still learning not to dwell. Still learning to let go. Still learning to move on. I hope I'm getting better at these.

What I'm up to right now.

One moment in a day doesn't tell you much about my day, my week, or my life...

I'm going over details that aren't really important, but I'm going over them anyway. Helps to clear the head.

I've been going to bed by 10PM. I've been good with that sleep schedule. Waking up at 7AM is an obstacle though. Or rather getting up at 7AM is. It's really hit or miss. Some days I'm up at 7; other days I'm not. I will become an early bird again. The only exceptions to this sleep schedule are the nights where I go out dancing or just chilling with friends. But otherwise, my 10PM bedtime is just lovely.

I've started going to a chiropractor. Stephen Cain is his name. Relatively new to the business. Very friendly. I've been going for about two weeks now. So my word might just be exaggerated optimism. But if anything, I feel a lot better. That could just be coinciding with the improvements I'm trying to make in my life. But Dr Cain has helped reduced some of the pain I've been having in my lower back. Low pressure adjustments ftw! Dr Cain is also very knowledgeable, and I've learned quite a bit about healthy living. Like, don't crack your neck or your back even if it feels good. You're most likely cracking areas of your spine that don't need it. And the areas that need it don't get the necessary attention because of the condition that they're in. I really can't explain it that well haha, but if you go to chiro, you will learn loads. And if you want a recommendation, I say Crossroads Health Center in Campbell is the place to go :)

I've also started practicing guitar. Kinda. Shiva has let me borrow her mini guitar, which gets out of tune really quickly haha. I also have trouble keeping it in place on my lap. I think I may take Vivi's old guitar after all just so I can hold it more easily. But for now, I'm practicing on the mini guitar. It's adorable. I started on Saturday. I'm using lessons from YouTuber Justin (what was his last name?). I'm practicing three chords. D, A, and E. When I get those three without as much duress as I do now, I'll move onto C and G. My left forearm and shoulder get sore, but I'm probably just tensing my arm too much while reaching the correct strings. It's so difficult >.< because I'm either leaning on another string with my finger or I'm not pressing hard enough. Adjusting one finger usually means I misalign another finger on a string. Blah. I will get this! And my arm will stop tensing as much and maybe even get stronger :D But yes, guitar is fun. Yay for a real hobby! Mother approves of it because she thinks that means I won't leave the house as often. Like I'm only going to leave my house once a month XP

I'm going to SF Pride this weekend with Matt C, Nick C, and Vivi N. That's going to be fun. I'm planning to meet up with quite a few people :) Matt and Nick will go to GaMeBoi Saturday night, whereas Vivi and I will chill with her SF friend and probably attend the Pink Party. I've only been to Pride once. And that was on a Sunday in 2009 with Brian and Trung (I miss those two, but it seems like Brian is ignoring me on Facebook). I'm excited to be going again, and this time it's with college friends. I don't know what to expect this weekend, but I hope it will be full of wonderful :) Haha maybe I'll wear my rainbow lei and wristband this weekend.

I've been reading Dracula by Bram Stoker. Didn't think I was going to understand the novel too well, but I actually do haha. And I'm enjoying it greatly. I have less than a hundred pages left ): I'm partially rooting for Dracula just because he's an intelligent vampire and the main characters did something really stupid (and sexist). Totally saw the new challenge to the characters coming as soon as they made that one decision. Alas, what is to be expected of those living in a patriarchal world?

Oh yeah. I've also been applying for jobs. But that's probably obvious from one of my recent posts. Maybe looking into my friend connections to find a job. We'll see how things pan out.


Hmm, what else? I can't think of much. I'm probably getting a haircut on Wednesday with Matt. I'm gonna see if I can get the hair-person to cut my hair shorter than last time <.< Even if it makes me look like a boy XP

I always feel like I have so much to say at the beginning of a blog post. As I'm writing, I forget what I wanted to write about and feel like I'm just blabbering on to fill the endless space. But that's what a lot of us do, isn't it? Takes me back to the thought that conversations are really just meaningless sequences of phrases that just happen to make sense together. Or not.

2012 is going well so far

I'm lucky my last semester of undergrad is pretty damn easy. Two Justice Studies classes, one Radio TV Film class, and three PE classes. Little stress. Though, I am kinda worried about finding a job. I've been looking and applying for jobs, but not getting responses or anything.

But anyway, school is good. Meeting some new folks. Pretty chill. Volleyball has given me bruises and a lightly sprained thumb, but that was because I was still learning the proper techniques. Getting much better now. Soccer makes my legs scream, especially my left leg--it feels like ligaments and/or tendons are being ripped from my leg, but the feeling has been decreasing (must mean I'm getting better). Self-defense has been fun. It's like a refresher course on all the defense stuff I learned in middle school, except we actually practice with other people. Except we can't actually hit each other. Though, accidents happen. Like today. I was attempting a spin kick. Either there was too much torque or I tripped, but somehow I managed to flip myself onto the ground >.>; Painful but funny XP I laughed, while my instructor told me to get back up and keep going.

PE classes overall are fun. I wish I had taken more PE classes in college -sigh- Maybe I'll go to community college after I graduate and take PE classes then. I might end up going to CC after graduation, at least if I can't find a decent job.

Uh, lots of stuff happening lately, except I'm not remembering them very well haha.

I went to ETD Love in SF with a couple of friends (Michelle P, Olivia S and her friends and family). First rave I've ever been to. Was fun. Met some nice, cool people. Danced all night. Drank lots of water. John O'Callaghan was amazing. And so were many of the other DJs, like John Beaver, Gabriel & Dresden, Myon & Shane 54, and Lazy Rich. Good stuff. Must listen to more of their music.

I know I've done more than go to a rave, but I just can't recall anything right now haha. Other than reading. I finally finished the HP series. I had a feeling about Snape, doubted it, doubted the doubt, and then was relieved that my initial feeling was spot on haha. Reading the Hunger Games series now. Just finished the first book. Good stuff. Hearing not-so-great reviews about the other two books, but I will finish this series, possibly before the movie premieres. I'm considering going to the midnight showing, but we'll see. I know I'm loving the song "Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift Ft. The Civil Wars. That song is very moving and fits the mood of the story very well.

Haha oh, tangents.

I miss blogging often. But now, I barely remember to blog. I think I've already written this many times before, but blogging helps me remember stuff. Except I guess it doesn't work if I don't remember to blog <.<

Mm, so I've been kinda trying to talk to more people. Fighting my urge to become a hermit. Making new friends, kinda. Trying to broaden my horizons. Oh, I went to my first TransTalk meeting today. Was a good meeting and a good chance to learn about people. I think I might start spending a little more time at the LGBT Resource Center. I'm going to QTIP and Q&A again, since they don't clash with my classes. And I guess I'm adding TransTalk to my schedule on Wednesdays.

So new people I've met/talked to, and whose names I learned through group intros and ice breaker games: Holden, Maui, Simon, Nadia, Helen, Tracy, Jonathan (used to go to ST), Bridgette (no idea how to spell her name). I've forgotten other people's names <.< That's not good.

But anyway, yeah, trying to be more open and less aloof. It's very hard >.> But I'm getting somewhere haha. Part of my new year's/life resolution for self-improvement. Very general and vague, but hopefully I'll accomplish it every day anyway. Still working on the patience with family part though. That's a toughy.

Three weeks until Fall 2011 ends...

I can't believe it's been more than two months since I've updated my blog O_O

School has been kicking my butt this semester. I don't even know why this semester has been so difficult for me. I attempted to refrain from major social gatherings. Haven't attended QTIP or Q&A this semester. Hung out with a few people a few times. Mostly have been keeping to myself, going to campus early and sitting by myself. Majorly stressed out.

De-stressed with clubbing at FuZ last Friday with Michelle P, Harrison, Matt C, Steven P, and Maria N :)

Had tried to de-stress at Queer Homecoming at the end of October, except turnout was low (because of Halloween weekend) and music had house beats so most people didn't dance. Most people left early. Had to end the dance an hour early >: At the end of the dance, there was only four of us dancing. Normally, I'd leave the dance floor if there weren't enough people, but damn it I wanted to dance.

Anyway, I'm sure lots of stuff has happened this past semester, except I can't recall much. Student walkouts. Occupy movement. San Jose Living Wage Campaign. Lots of death-related news around the country and stuff.

Two weeks of classes left and a week of finals. I'm trying to get work done this weekend, so that I don't leave four papers and a take-home exam to do in three nights. That would be so bad.

Turning 21 wasn't exactly life-changing haha. I don't even remember what I did that day other than turn in a really bad rough draft.

My brain is not organizing my thoughts very well haha. This semester has just been not that great to me XP But hopefully, next semester, my last semester, will be nicer to me. I've enrolled in my classes and everything, so it should be good. Just need to get some signatures and turn in some forms. But overall, my last semester should be nicer compared to this semester.

Ahh, I can't wait for winter break to see people again. Shiva is coming back for about a week in the middle of December. Brother intends to take us to the Castro with his girlfriend to go bar hopping. I'm inviting more friends haha. I find it kinda strange that Brother wants to bond more, but I guess that's good :3

Anyway, tonight, Harrison is taking me to the movies. Planning to watch The Muppets :D It's been a really long time since I've watched anything Muppet-related. Sadly, I also have a cold -___- Sniffly and congested. Rawr. Hope I feel better after a good night's rest, so that I can get at least one paper and half the exam done this weekend.

Uhh, I need to organize my thoughts better. But I won't. Not now. Now is time to focus on school and not dying from stress. Well, actually, now is time for the movies. Yay! It's been quite a while since I've been to the movies.


Just want to say to whoever's reading this: I miss y'all and I love y'all. Let's chill and catch up soon :)

Shiva's Second Stay in San Jose

Shiva stayed at my house again from Sunday, June 19, to Friday, June 24. She went to her Orientation on that Monday. Tuesday, we went to Palo Alto for some Public Allies presentations. Then we went to the Human Society place in Milpitas. Played with kittens for a while :3 There was a grumpy kitten. It was his first day in there, and he had been dipped in sulfur to rid of worms. So his grumpiness was understandable. Shiva called him "El Groucho" XD I hope he's adapted well since.

Wednesday, June 22, Shiva and I visited Marian L. Brian L joined us. Shiva and Marian made brownies. Played a retro 8 bit PONG game (not sure what it's actually called) on Brian's laptop. He showed us his new mouse. A Razer something. Reminded me of the Batmobile :P Watched "Read or Die," the TV show. It was interesting. I want to continue watching it XD

Thursday, we tried to wake up early so that we could go to San Francisco to see more Public Allies presentations at the Asian Law Caucus. Missed the presentation that Shiva wanted to see at 9h00. We had left a bit too late, and there was a lot of traffic. Had trouble finding cheap parking. Found a garage that charged $3 an hour. Couldn't find any of the cheap flat rate ones (Saw one later as we were leaving -_-). Presentations were interesting. Much was about personal growth rather than what activities took place. Ate lunch at Lucky Creation Vegetarian Restaurant. Had trouble finding it because Shiva's GPS was acting up. Shared a meatless chicken curry or something. It was okay. Walked around Chinatown a little bit before returning to see more presentations. Didn't explore much because we didn't know where to go and I'm not much of an explorer <_<
When we were going to the car to leave, we had to pay first. Got charged $21 for parking for six hours and eleven minutes. Hoped that explaining that we had been in line waiting would take off the $3 for the eleven minutes. But no -_- Sad.
Then we went to the Castro. Took the longest time to find parking. Other people stole parking spots we did find XP But found one eventually, between two driveways. Went to the HRC store. Shiva bought dog tags like mine. Stuff in that store is so expensive <_< After, we walked around a little bit. I don't remember if we checked out any other stores >_> But we headed home around 8. Got home around 9.

Friday, woke up kinda late. Helped Shiva bring her stuff out to her car. Went to Harrison's house to play with his new kittens :3 Sooo adorable x3 Though, they were kinda afraid of us, especially the black one. The black one (Shiva shall call it Batman and the other Robin) pooped while it was in Harrison's hands because it was frightened of us. Used a phone cord to play with them. Need kitten toys XP Eventually, like half an hour before Shiva and I were supposed to leave. The kittens finally warmed up to us. Shiva just has a way with animals :3 The kittens fell asleep on Shiva's jacket XD We moved them to Harrison's bed.
Aww, such adorable kittens. I want kittens >w<
Shiva left kinda late in the day. 15h00. Mother wasn't happy about that <_< Scared that she'd get home too late, and her parents would get mad at her.

Shiva shall be back in less than two weeks :3 For more interview stuff. 58 candidates for 38-40 positions. But I'm confident that Shiva will get what she desires :)

Oh, Mother told me on Sunday, I think, that Shiva and I are so depressed when Shiva goes home. "You two act so gay together. You're not gay, are you? No gay. You should only be friends, ok?" >_> <_< >_> I didn't know what to say, so I backed away and left.

Anyway, yeah, not too much has been happening. Brother is starting his job at Honey Thai Restaurant on Friday :) Yay. Harrison and I need to go job hunting soon.

Ok, gotta gooo.

Shiva's Graduation Ceremonies (May 26)

Yesterday, Shiva had two mini graduation ceremonies in the Student Union: Sociology Graduation and Rainbow Graduation.

I took pictures and videos with her camera; I am such a bad cameraperson haha--shaky hands and whatnot.

At the Sociology ceremony, Shiva and I could see each other from where we both sat. She sat in the second-to-last row of graduates. I sat in the first row behind the graduates with a mother to my left and two white guys to my right. I wish I had more guts or something, so that I could tell those guys to be respectful, shut up, or leave.

When one of the student speakers went up to give his speech, the two guys snickered and laughed because "he sounds so gay." Later on, when the graduate walked the stage, the two guys looked at each other and laughed again, saying "It's the gay guy." I don't fucking get them. I don't even know why they were there. They didn't clap for anyone. Instead, they seemed to have spent most of the ceremony texting, listening to their iPods, talking to each other, and laughing at a few of the graduates who walked the stage. Grr.

But otherwise, the graduation was fun. I got to clap for Shiva and a few other friends (I think I will know many more graduates at next year's ceremony).

So when the graduates walked across the stage, Prof Boero read their names and other info that they had written on a little card, like their double major, minor, honors, and such. I had seen what Shiva wrote on her card before I went to get my seat. Future plans: "Law school, gazillionaire, community action." Sounds good. But when Shiva went across the stage and I was recording what Boero was saying, I realized that Shiva had added some stuff to her card. She thanked her family and me specifically o_o I didn't know how to react >_> <_< >_>

The reception afterward had some food. Cake, brownies, egg rolls, samosas, fruit, water, and lemonade. Took pictures of Shiva with her professors and fellow students.

Went back to Shiva's room to upload photos from her camera, so that there would be memory for the next ceremony, Rainbow Grad.

Got to Rainbow Graduation on time. Met up with Harrison, Marian, and Brian (late!). Talked to people and noticed that Shiva was the only one in her graduation gown XD Luis and Shiva gave speeches :) I liked them.

Graduates were then called up one by one--there were only nine graduates, but only eight attended, I think--and allowed two-minute speeches. Shiva thanked me again <_< but this time, she got to explain why haha :3

There was also cake at this celebration. There were lots of photos being taken throughout the ceremony. Oh, Luis and Shiva shared the knife to cut the cake, but somehow did not cut the cake. Instead, the knife plopped through it :P Such tasty cake. There were also samosas and fruit here, as well as spanakopita, quiches, and punch.

It was nice seeing Jeff and Tri again :) Hadn't seen either of them since my first semester or year in QTIP and Q&A. Got to say some goodbyes to people whom I might not see again, at least for a while.

After Rainbow grad, Shiva and I stood outside the door to the English graduation ceremony. We were attempting to get Shiva's friend's attention, which we eventually managed to do :)

Then it was back to Shiva's room to start making enchiladas. Bulk enchiladas, yay! Marian came to help. Harrison helped too. We kept making them while guests were there. I think we stopped after the third batch. Happy to know people liked the food.

A few of the guests also accidentally ate food that was not for the party. They felt bad, but it was ok. They didn't finish off the food haha. Well, except for the samoa cookies, which had been placed out of the way. Someone found them and ate her last cookie ):

Other people who showed up were Michelle W, Steven P, Jen (Steven's friend), Christina(?), Karishma, Crystal, Danny V, Melissa(?), Cathy, Rahul, Ton, Evelyn H, Phil and Killol (both late). Adan and his friend came in for like five seconds and then left. Tim W and his roommate Tim also came for a while :P Michelle brought John--he talked about smoking weed quite a bit O_o

The night was going pretty well. Then a moment of tension arose. One guest trying to spread a rumor/story about another guest who had left. Shiva stepped up and told the guest not to disrespect other people, even if he didn't like them or didn't think they were good people. Treating someone the same way they treat you doesn't make you any better than them. This incident just kinda dampened the party atmosphere a little. A few people left, including the particular guest. Then the atmosphere got cheerful again. Phil kept taking pictures of people XD

I started falling asleep. How sad. I think Phil made fun of me, but I don't remember -_- Something about my neck.

Anyway, the party was fun. Though, Shiva feels like she should have held it on Saturday because a couple of the people who had wanted the party on Thursday didn't show up :/ But I think the party was pretty good anyway...


Ahaha, on Wednesday, Shiva went home with me on the light rail at night. Sad she wasn't feeling well. I told her she should have stayed home -_- But anyway, when I had gotten home and she was taking the light rail back to campus, she called to tell me about something that happened just a bit before she called XD A guy on the light rail had been staring at her the whole time. Then he walked toward her and tossed/dropped a piece of paper near her and left without saying a word. Shiva opened the paper. It said something like "Hi, I think you're cute... :) Uh... Idk, text me ###-###-####." Shiva wanted to burst out laughing apparently. When she told me the story, I laughed XP I also wish I could have been there to watch this happen. Seems the guy looked like he was in high school and was really shy/nervous or something like that haha. Awww XD


Ok, that's all I'm gonna say now. Shiva wants me to go to bed because she has two more graduation ceremonies tomorrow. One at 9h30 and the other at 13h00. I have to wake up early to get to campus, so that I can get a ride from her parents. Though, it seems at least one of her parents may not be too fond of me <_<;
[Shiva had dinner with her parents and sensei tonight. At one point in the conversation, Shiva mentioned how she thanked me during the sociology ceremony. The reaction wasn't completely pleasant(?).]

Birthday Dinner, QACON 2011, & SJ Japantown

Shiva, Marian, and I went to The Cheesecake Factory with people on Friday night to celebrate Michelle W's 25th birthday. Didn't eat too much. Shiva and I split a dish called Evelyn's Favorite Pasta or something like that. It was bland. Shiva asked for pasta sauce.

Harrison came late. There was endless bread. Server was nice. Food was eh. Expensive. I think I may decline next time someone invites me to go eat at The Cheesecake Factory.

I slept over at Shiva's. Woke up kinda early Saturday morning. Got ready. Billy N picked us up in his minivan, along with Adan, Tan, and Danny. Went to Berkeley for QACON.

Keynote speaker Cecilia Chung was cool. Shared her story about becoming and being a woman. Very heartrending, at least for me.

Three workshops--I went to the ones about oppression (good; started off slow, but the end was fun; we made skits), asexuality (not very good; speaker was not completely informative about the different aspects of asexuality and the community), and coming out to family (pretty good; originally a panel, turned into 6 different groups because a lot of people showed up; my group did a share-your-story-with-a-partner kinda thing and a chair game thing kinda like I Love My Neighbor).

Shiva and I skipped Storytime because we didn't think it would be any better than the one from Western Regional. Plus, we were tired. Went to nap on the grass near where lunch had been served. Ran into Karishma. She was skipping Storytime too.

Uhh, after the third workshop, Shiva told me to decide where we were gonna go next. Either to the scavenger hunt or to the leadership caucus. I chose the former. When we got to Sather Tower, only six other people showed up to do the hunt. So I decided not to participate. Shiva and I went back to find the caucus but couldn't. Later, we found out it had moved to another room.

Walked around, looking for Crossroads, except that was not the store that Shiva actually wanted to check out. Went into Hot Topic instead. She bought a black tie with a skull on it. Took that skull off with the help of Billy's mini-scissors.

Went to eat at the "Asian ghetto." Shiva and I shared veggie dragon rolls and vegetable tempura.

Went to Alex R's place. Alex is a UCB student that SJSU Q&A people know. Hella guys crammed in there. So SJSU Q&A people walked several blocks down to Alex's friend Patrick's place. Patrick was shocked to see 10 of us. He had only expected 3 or 4. He was "bitchy." He said so himself. Ultimately, Billy, Shiva, and I stayed at his place, while the rest went back to Alex's and another person's place.

I tried to think of anyone I knew at Berkeley to see if I could ask for a place to stay. I texted Cristina D, but she didn't know anyone with a place. Told her about the afterparty at Kip's. I just realized I could have asked Jeisun X. Totally forgot about him.

Anyway, afterparty at Kip's was all right. Danced almost the whole time. Only times I didn't were when the "DJ" played stupid songs, like "Friday" by Rebecca Black. Shiva wanted to dance swing with me. Did that for a while. Apparently, other people started doing the same thing (Oh my, people know how to dance outside of freaking). Our friends showed up later. Danced with them. Group kept changing size throughout the night. Tan was messed up from alcohol. Very touchy-feely -_- Kissy, wobbly, and stuff like that. He elbowed me and other people several times.

Cristina came and danced with me and my friends a bit. Then she went and danced with other people. She thought Tan was hilarious because he was dancing crazy. Oh, Tan ended up dancing all night with some guy he met.

Though it was fun seeing friends dance, I wasn't really into the dancing until the last few songs. Sad. So much freaking going on. I kinda wanted to leave, but I also wanted to dance. So I just stayed and danced, though my dancing was way less energetic than usual. I just felt hella tired.

Party ended at 1h20. Was supposed to go till 2h00. But the establishment kicked us all out. Yelled at us to not loiter in front of the bar.

Uh, what else? Oh, Shiva and I got to play with Alex's 2 cats, Pixel and Scout. They were so calm and well-behaved. And fluffy.

Anyway, slept on Patrick's couch for the night. Tan slept over at Patrick's too because he was too drunk to go elsewhere. Though, he, Patrick, and Billy didn't return till 4 in the morning. I remember hearing them come in to the living room, but that's all I remember.

In the morning, we woke up, got ready, and went to Alex's place. Talked to Danny, Crystal, Karishma, Jen, and Alex. Played with the cats. Watched Alex feed them. Went to brunch on campus. Open mic: some interesting and good performances. The dance performances were probably my least favorite. I dunno why.

Anyway, left UCB after the Open Mic. Evan Low was the keynote speaker afterward, but we left before he really started talking.

Back in SJ, Shiva and I went to the Nikkei Matsuri festival to volunteer. She helped out. I didn't. I felt bad. I didn't help out because I had been waiting in line for shaved ice with a snow cap (one hour and ten minutes or so). Really hot day. When Shiva and I were eating/drinking it, quite a bit of it fell out. So sad.

Went back to Shiva's place around 6. Talked.


So QACON was good. Though, I don't know if I'm going again next year. Maybe. We'll see. I don't really feel like a conference-attending kind of person.

Blah. I have allergies. My eyes are burning, and my nose is runny. Today has ended not so well, but I won't complain too much. I just feel something that's the equivalent of a heavy weight on me. Not quite the same but similar.

Taking Down Capitalism!

So today, after our first two classes, Shiva and I were posting up fliers in DMH for QTIP's upcoming drag show (next Thursday). Around noon, we left to the Student Union so that she could take pictures of the Tunnel of Oppression before everything was taken down. I did a bit of running around because Shiva's camera was in her room and I went to finish putting up fliers (Shiva's feet are still wounded).

When I came back to the SU to find Shiva, we ended up staying for a long while to help take things down and clean up a bit. Not many people came to help clean up. Maybe they didn't think they should.

But anyway, we were pulling down plastic tarps, peeling off all kinds of adhesive tape, rolling up the tarps, tossing away trash, salvaging what we wanted to keep, moving tables that were used as walls, and taking apart the poles that were used to hold up the tarps. Shiva and I found our knives to be useful :)

I somehow managed to cut my left index finger on a table though. I thought the knife would be dangerous, but no the table cuts me instead -_- Oh, and when we started taking apart the poles, I got injured.

We had one or two people at each corner of the poles (8 poles put together to make a box shape). Shiva was standing directly underneath the first pole we were taking out. So I held the supporting pole, so that the pole wouldn't fall on her head when we took it out. Somehow, the pole was pulled out without any warning to us, and it fell on my middle finger ;-;

At first, I reacted, jerked my finger away and winced. In my head, I was thinking, "Why am I reacting so much? It doesn't hurt that badly." A few seconds later, the pain became unbearable, and I started crying a little. I kept turning around, putting some pressure on my finger with my lips, and fighting back tears.

Sadika (MOSAIC Cross Cultural Center person XD) told me I should stay away from the poles so that I wouldn't injure myself again. But I kept helping out with taking the poles down. I'm injured, but that doesn't mean I'll stop helping if I am still able.

So I didn't really notice anything about my finger other than that it hurt like hell and was sensitive to slight pressure. After a couple of minutes, I noticed that the part of my nail where the pole hit was a bit discolored. Then a dark line started to form around the edge of the injured part. Probably just a bruise. I was afraid my whole nail was gonna turn black. It doesn't look like it will turn black, but who knows? My nail is so sensitive now @_@ When I got home from school, I noticed that my nail was slightly damaged -_-

But it's all good. If my finger hadn't taken the hit, Shiva could have been hit in the head D:

But anyway, afterward, we went to Subway downstairs in the food court. While waiting in line, we kissed each other. And a guy who was sitting in front of Subway complimented us. "If you two are really lesbians, I give you balls for showing your love..." He fumbled a lot over his words. But he was trying to give us props. That hasn't happened to us in a while. And I was kinda surprised that it happened haha XD


Anyway, I did not get any work done today. When we came back to her room, Brian L was with us. We finished watching "Macross" (Was that what it was called?). Strange anime.

Mm, so I'm hoping to get a lot of homework and reading done this weekend. I really wanna keep up or get ahead of my school work, but I don't know how likely that will happen. Lots of reading I want to do tomorrow, since I didn't do any of it today--I really wanted to get all my reading for one class done today -_- Oh well.


Lots of events coming up soon. Been advertising events on Facebook. Would work better if I had more Facebook friends XD Hopefully, the ones I do have will spread the word anyway :)

Midterm Season and Various Other Things

So it's that time of the semester. Yay o_o Shiva and I had a 8-page take-home midterm for Social Change due on Wednesday (She also had another 6-page midterm to write for the same prof but different class). Needless to say, we didn't get that much sleep the night/morning before it was due. Hella stressful, especially for Shiva ): I'm sorry I couldn't make it any easier.

I had my Global Society midterm today. Because of the take-home midterm, I rested for most of Wednesday after class. Didn't get to study much for the next midterm. So sad. When I took it, I couldn't recall information. Or I'd confuse different programs with each other (like SAPs, GATT, and WTO). Friggin' multiple choice stuff. The essay was all right, though I know mixed things up (four ways workers experience alienation in capitalism, according to Marx). Oh well, I tried.

So today has been an interesting day...

Around noon, after SOCI 105 and 104, I followed Shiva to Clark Hall because she had helped an Anthrolopolgy prof set up an LGBTQ speaker panel. Mackenzie L, Crystal N, and Shiva were supposed to be the speakers. I was supposed to just sit in and watch. But Crystal completely forgot about it--she didn't even remember volunteering for it. So I stepped in, nervously. But the panel wasn't that bad. I mean I was probably blushing with nervousness the whole time and had a fast heart rate for the majority of the class time. But I survived. A few silent moments. But the class asked intelligent and varied questions, ranging from polyamory to religion to unisex restrooms. Mackenzie seemed to talk the most. I think Shiva spoke a lot too. I spoke the least XD

But yeah, that was fun. Tomorrow, there's another panel for the same prof. At 10h00. I'm probably going to that one too, but hopefully, just sitting in this time XP Well, maybe.

Anyway, when I was waiting at the light rail stop to go home, I met a guy named Jesus (It's Spanish, just in case you didn't know). I had actually met him last week at the same place, but I didn't talk to him much then. I wasn't much in the mood to talk to him then. Today, I had seen him in the morning walking to campus from the light rail, but I didn't say hi. But when we were both going home, we talked on the light rail about music and random things. Interesting guy. Reminds me of Harrison. A few of his mannerisms and how he speaks are somewhat similar to Harrison's haha. When I first saw him, I thought he was related to Harrison. And you know it's a coincidence that I met him at the light rail stop, whereas I ran into Harrison on the light rail. Similarities haha.

Anyway, Jesus is a freshman, though he's apparently 20 years old. I can't get over how much he reminds me of Harrison. But I'm sure if I keep talking to him at the light rail or wherever, he'll start to seem more different from Harrison :P But yeah, new light rail buddy? Maybe.

Hmm, so... Oh yeah, Jesus' name reminds me that there were "Jesus freaks" standing in front of the light rail stop, shouting at people to follow Jesus Christ. But they left a few minutes after I arrived. Seems they may have been there for a while.

Anyway, that was today. I'm extremely tired, but I want to try to get some things done before I try to go to sleep early. Need to wake up early tomorrow to get to campus.


So, the past ten days have been up and down, I guess. Lots of stress from the midterms. Other stressors too. I can't quite recall what's happened lately. It's scary how fast the weeks are passing by. Already done with Week 8 of the semester.

I feel like my brain is forgetting more and more. But maybe it's because I haven't gotten very good sleep in a while. Staying up too late -nods-


Mm, so yesterday, in Social Change, we watched a documentary about the Civil Rights movement. I forgot what the video was called. But it was a heart-wrenching video. Ended it at King's assassination. Made me really sad.

I followed Shiva to her Sexualities class. We watched another documentary, "Dreamworlds 3: Desire, Sex, & Power in Music Video." Disturbing. Truly disturbing. It makes me glad I don't watch music videos anymore, even though that means I might miss out on really good videos. But yeah, anyway, after the video, Prof Rokni challenged the males in the room to stand up to and educate other men on the issue of objectification of the female body. If you get the chance, I recommend this documentary. It is informative about what's prevalent in pop culture, primarily music, and offers puzzle pieces for you to put together, not just a bunch of facts and theories.


Uhh, I can't remember what else I wanted to say ):

So here are the upcoming events and stuff that I remember:
SJSU Spring Break--officially March 28 to April 1 (really, it's the 25th to the 3rd)
Holi Day (Indian celebration)--April 9
Drag Show--April 14
QACON @ UC Berkeley--April 29 to May 1 (Friday to Sunday)
Gender Bender Dance (lesson?)--TBD
Q&A Panel--TBD


Next week, I've got an SPSS assignment, an annotated bibliography, social change art presentation, and plenty of reading that is due or that I need to do. Fun. Hopefully getting a lot of it done this weekend.

Shiva is gonna be busy for most of tomorrow ): But I'll see her during the panel and during her one-hour break in between meetings and stuff. In the meantime, I'll probably be working on stuff and going to the Superior Court downtown because I need to postpone my jury duty. First time I've ever gotten a summons. So exciting. I wanna do jury duty, just not during the semester. But yeah, need to ask questions about what I should do and stuff. After all that, Harrison is gonna stop by campus to pick us up to go to Ikea for an "Ikea party" as he calls it. Apparently, we're going to cram into his SUV with his other friends. Fun.

Mm, so Shiva's gonna be gone for most of Saturday because she's going to a Kendo tournament in San Mateo. I probably won't be going with her. I wanna work on stuff. I'll see her after she comes back though. Harrison and Michelle W want to go get pizza Saturday night.

Sunday, Mother is going on another tour of Buddhist temples for the whole day (Did I mention the first time she went on the tour a few weeks ago?). So I have a dilemma. I want to stay at Shiva's place, but I also need to be home on Sunday to "guard the house." What shall I do? ):


Mm... Yeah, I think that is all I can muster out of my brain right now. So sad.

Western Regional Conference

The conference was a disappointment ):

The theme was "Unchecked Boxes: The Faces Behind the Labels." It sounded interesting, the workshop names sounded cool, and I had heard positive reviews of the conference from years past. However, I didn't really learn anything new, and I didn't have much opportunity to interact with people in the workshops I attended.

So on Friday, I went to SJSU campus. A while after 17h00, Ton drove Shiva, Theresa S, Nikole(?), and me to Berkeley. Traffic on 101 and 880 -_- Got to Berkeley around 19h00. Registered in the MLK Student Union, got a yellow bag (included a pen, conference evaluations, program, an ad for QACON, and a T-shirt). Found out that Shiva and I were to room with Thien V and Steven P, who was planning on having people in our room for night-time fun/partying in 307. Not happy. Went to the opening keynote speech stuff. Did not pay attention much because I was sick (for the whole weekend too, and I had gotten Shiva sick too, sorry!).

Dinner with Shiva, Ton, Paul W (Shiva's friend), Jason, Diana, Alex L, Michelle P, and Cathy B at the so-called "Asian Ghetto." Shiva and I split a Tom Kha from the Thai food place. We and a few others bought food from the Thai place and brought it over to the Italian place to eat with the other half of the group.

Then time to go to La Quinta Inn to check into our rooms. Shiva and I had asked to room with another group of people because we wanted undisturbed sleep. Stayed with Crystal, Karishma, Cathy, and Michelle in 224. Six people, two beds. Still a comfy fit. Shiva and I slept sometime around midnight or 1 (I don't remember).

Saturday morning was an early start. Alarms went off at 7h00. Continental breakfast. Michelle drove us and Cathy to the conference. Initially, we were going to take the bus ($2 one-way), but we realized it would be slightly cheaper to drive and park. When we got to the Berkeley campus, we all went to the opening ceremony. Again, did not pay enough attention (though, the speeches didn't motivate me much anyway when I did listen closely). Too sniffly and coughy. I brought my bandanna to tie around my face so that I wouldn't be coughing all over the place and all over people. I felt like a wannabe gangster XD But the bandanna was useful. It helped me breathe easily at times.

So Shiva and I went to all the same workshops because we were interested in pretty much the same ones: how to raise a gender-neutral child; comparative fluidity of sexuality and ethnicity; transitioning from academia to the workplace--coming/being out in the workplace; and media portrayal of homosexuality. The actual workshop names were generally in the same ballpark as these descriptions.

One of the workshops that Shiva and I both wanted to go to was for Queer and Asian people, but it was canceled at the beginning of the conference ):

So you know, when I hear the word "workshop," I usually think of a group of people learning new tricks, methods and/or ideas to apply to their work or life. However, none of the workshops I went to did this. The facilitators (mostly other college students) did not teach anything new. They would say one or two things and then let the audience say opinions. The facilitators didn't even really comment much on the opinions. So I couldn't really connect what many people were saying with what the purpose of workshop was supposed to be. Also, there were tangents and secants. I found myself listening to the stories and opinions, agreeing and disagreeing but not really connecting to the comments. I don't know how to explain it.

Oh, when Shiva and I went to the fourth workshop, we left after a few minutes. Shiva asked one of the facilitators about the workshop, and they said that the actual workshop did not fit the description that was in the program. So disappointed. It was supposed to be about how the media perpetuates homophobia and negative images about the queer community. Instead, the workshop was to let people create "ally maps," a map of your support system. Nothing to do with media apparently... So yeah, we left. Went back to the MLK building, up to the fourth floor; Shiva and I laid on the ground to rest because my tummy had been hurting since a little while after lunch. I'm sure people were wondering why there were two people lying on the ground haha...

Afterward, at 16h30, it was Storytime. Meeting in supposedly large groups of people according to first name groups. I stayed with Shiva because I didn't feel like searching for the place I should have gone to for Storytime.

Storytime itself with Shiva's group was a bit mundane. The two facilitators, Eric and Sol(?), didn't really do much to keep the group going. Nor did most other people, definitely including myself haha. Long stretches of silence with the facilitators asking, "Would anyone like to share a story?" When someone did share a story, Eric would just say, "Thank you for sharing. Would anyone else like to share?" It was like he was stuck on repeat. He shared one short story of his own. A few people shared twice. About half the group didn't share anything. Shiva shared our story about the guy who yelled "NOOO!" at us when we kissed. But anyway, eventually, Shiva and I left early after an extremely long silence.

We had been hoping that Storytime would make up for the workshops, but it didn't. Instead, it provided stories that mostly meant nothing or stupidity. Very few were actually entertaining or meant something important. The one story I can remember that I liked was from the girl who went to Viet Nam to study and work with the deaf community in Hanoi. Her story was awesome hahaha XD

Mm, so the "free" lunch that came after the second session was meh. I got a vegetarian sandwich (a chunk of avocado and a bunch of sprouts on ciabatta bread), macaroni salad (couldn't eat it; made me feel sick after a few bites), fruit chunks (watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew, and pineapple--decent), and a cookie (tastiest part of the whole meal).

Dinner was troublesome. Miscommunication, delays, and such. Shiva, Paul, Ton, Michelle, three WRC people (Terra, Matt, and a girl whose name I don't remember), and I went to an Indian restaurant (called Naan... something...). Paul didn't want to go there and wanted to check other places, but the group went there anyway. He wasn't happy because (later he told me) he was telling everyone that that particular restaurant sucked--the food wasn't that great, the service was bad, and he had seen the workers spit in people's food before. Ultimately, Paul paid for the buffet and didn't eat because he was upset (he wasn't just upset about the food situation though, just so you know).

After dinner, Paul left abruptly but came back immediately. Ton left to go back to the hotel. While Shiva and Michelle went to Michelle's car, I went with Paul to Blondie's so he could eat pizza. Talked with him. Matt and Terra joined us. Talked about the conference and workshops. Generally not too impressed.

Afterward, Paul and I went to go meet up with Shiva and Michelle on campus. Paul was going to leave but didn't. Hung out, walked around looking for restrooms. MLK and surrounding buildings were all closed. MLK was closed in preparation for the dance. So the four of us walked to Dwinelle to find a restroom. Something was going on there, so the women's restroom had a line. Ooh, the restrooms had signs that said the restrooms were to be gender-neutral for the weekend because of the conference. Except women still went into the women's and men still went into the men's. Sad haha. Michelle and Paul left to go to the MLK. Shiva and I went up to the third floor to use the restroom. Empty and open. Woohoo! Old school restroom, so spacious. Reminded me of a dormitory restroom.

Met up with Michelle and Paul again at MLK. Were about to go in to the dance. Except I read a sign posted outside that said "NO (something), NO WEAPONS, NO BOTTLES." I realized that both Shiva and I were carrying our knives XD I pointed it out. Whew. Would have been so bad to go through the metal detector with all the cops standing right there. Though the knives are legal, they probably would have kicked us out and not let us in. So we all went back to Michelle's car to put away the knives.

Sat near the entrance to the parking garage for a while to talk. Learned a little bit about the romantic(?) pasts of Shiva, Paul, and Michelle. The sky was lightly sprinkling. We walked back to the MLK. Got inside. There was a drag show going on. I find it sad that though I've seen drag kings and queens in person already (at QTIP's drag show last year), I'm still kinda uncomfortable seeing them now. I dunno why I am, but yeah. It could be all the make-up that they put on that scares me. That could possibly be it--excessive make-up on anyone would scare me.

Anyway, the dance itself started sometime before 23h00, which was sad because the dance was supposed to end at midnight. But I wasn't really into the dancing. I tried to get into it, but I just wasn't feeling it. I really had wanted to just go back to the hotel and sleep. Or just sit somewhere and not be around so many people. But I stayed at the dance. Interesting dance moves that people do nowadays. It seemed that there is a new stomping kinda dance craze for some songs. I don't know. A lot of people seemed to be doing the same thing, so that's my assumption. Mm, so when Shiva was finally really getting into the dancing and the music, the dance ended XP Sad. They should have started the dance earlier or made it last longer.

So, back to the car. In the pouring rain. Back to the hotel. Late-night leftover Tom Kha dinner with Shiva, so that we could take Tylenol Cold. Ton came into our room with the other four girls to talk and eventually to sleep on the floor because his roommates, as well as floormates, were too loud.

Btw, Shiva and I are, or at least I am, surprised. So at 2 in the morning, we were out of our room looking for a recycling bin. Couldn't find one, so went back to our room. I ran up the stairs, and Shiva chased me XD As we were running back to the room, a guy who worked at the hotel yelled at us because there were people trying to sleep and we were making too much noise. So we walked. Later in the morning when we woke up, we found out that the third floor people were chatting and partying it up all night and morning without any complaints -_- Grr.

Anyway, Sunday morning. Were supposed to wake up around 7h45. Got up around 8h15. Got ready and packed some stuff. Had another continental breakfast. Back to the room to pack the rest of our stuff. Shiva and I brought our stuff out to Ton's car. Theresa and Nikole weren't riding with us back to SJ. Ton drove us to the conference. We were late. Did not want to be late for the fifth workshop because Shiva had been told that the "Fuck the Media: I Love My Queer Body" workshop would be a good one. One of the conference organizers had said so; he had also told her that we had went to all the bad workshops or something. So yeah, we rushed to get to this workshop.

The three of us were twenty minutes late, I think. Was hopeful that we didn't miss anything important. We didn't. But we didn't really experience anything different from the other workshops we had been to. Three facilitators choosing audience members to speak up about body image. Only heard one person specifically mention anything about queer image. But quickly the comments turned back to just body image in general.

So the three of us left about twenty minutes before the end of the workshop. Felt rude, but we didn't feel like subjecting ourselves to redundancy (dunno if that's the right word to use). Lost Ton for a while. Went searching for him. Couldn't reach him by phone. So I told Shiva to go to another workshop that she had wanted to check out, which was about talking about gay marriage in South Asian cultures. I found Ton, who had to go back to the workshop because he dropped the parking garage ticket somewhere. While I waited for him, Shiva called me and told me that the other workshop had been canceled at the last minute ):

So the three of us decided to just go home. Except we had a few bouts of panic before leaving Berkeley. Shiva couldn't find her camera, yellow WRC bag, and later her iPod. Found all of them. Camera was hidden very well in her messenger bag; yellow bag was taken by Michelle by accident; and iPod had been placed in my backpack (I didn't put it there!). Ton then couldn't find his cell phone. Rushed back to the inn and checked the room. Found his cell phone and a cookie XD

Then we were out of Berkeley. Sadly, we didn't get to go to the marina. But we did see the bay for a bit along the freeway. Now, Shiva wants to go to the beach again :P

Little traffic. Got back to SJSU within an hour. So fast...


So I feel like the workshops could have been so much better if the facilitators had been trained beforehand, so that they could better direct the workshops. You know, instead of saying a thing or two and letting the audience speak. While it is good that we are learning something from our neighbors in the audience, the facilitator should add in more insight, knowledge, and advice. Do something to engage the unengaged. Tell us something that we don't already know (Shiva and I felt like we had already learned in school everything that was spoken). Have extra facilitators on standby to take over if the main ones can't make it, so that workshops won't get canceled so easily. And since the workshops were mostly full of attendees speaking, they should all be called "caucuses" instead, like the Femme Caucus and the Masculine Caucus (I kinda wish I had attended the Femme one because Mackenzie L, Mallory V, and Theresa S were facilitating that one, I think, and attendees spoke highly of it).

I dunno. Maybe I'm being too negative or critical, or I was too sick to enjoy the conference. But I was greatly disappointed. It also felt like everything was crammed into the days, so that there was no time to really kick back and talk to a lot of people.


But anyway, that is the gist of the weekend I had. Not completely satisfying, but the group of friends with which Shiva and I shared a room made the weekend bearable and fun. Good conversations that helped pick things up a little.

Oh, btw, BMUN was this weekend as well. Saw high school students in suits and formal wear. Brought back some memories. Mostly of BMUN training haha. But yeah, I was hoping to run into Madame or Phipps somewhere, but I wasn't free for much of the days to run into anyone sadly.

That's all I can recall at this moment. So good night. I'll add more if I remember anything else. Hopefully something pleasant.


Oh oh, wait, I never updated about Queer Prom. It was great! I mean, Shiva and I showed up late to the setup. But the dance turned out pretty well. The ballroom was so big that it looked like there weren't that many people there. But it turned out that almost as many people showed up this year as last year. So that's good. DJ played amazing music (Kaskade and Deadmau5!). Photographer (friend, Phil) did an amazing job. Most attendees seemed to be pleased with him. His shots were pretty good too. It was also great to see friends dancing. Amy, Lisa, Stephanie, and Christine came. So did Harrison and Marian L. Fun to watch them dance. There was a massive conga line. Just a bunch of good stuff. Some bad stuff happened, but I didn't find out till a few days later though. Some guy was drunk and passed out in the men's room. Also, the maturity level of a few people could have been higher. But anyway, yeah, that's it.

Ok, sleep time haha.

Queer Prom on Friday

Yay, it's finally getting here. Can't wait to dance and stuff.

Again, everyone 18+ and queer-friendly is invited. $7 at the door. There is going to be a DJ and a photographer. And cardboard pictures with the face holes in them to take pictures with. And correction: the name of the dance is "A Night of Royalty." My mistake. I don't know why I kept calling it A Night to Remember.


So I got to sell four tickets to my friends today. Lisa H, Amy G, and Christine L. They also bought one for Stephanie H. Originally, it was supposed to be for eight people. Then seven. At the last moment, it was four. But the other people might show up and buy tickets at the door.

Anyway, the last two weeks have been up and down. And my head kinda hurts today. It hurt yesterday too. And the day before that. I need to drink more water.

Also, over a week ago, Brian L gave Shiva and me M16 knives. They look pretty sweet and were slightly difficult to open. But now it's easier to open them. But as Shiva was admiring Brian's Buck Vantage, she tried to close it with one hand. The liner lock was hard to release. When it did, the blade partially snapped on her thumb D: Bloooood! So scary and sad. I saw it happen from the corner of my eye, and I heard it. I panicked a little inside, seeing that. But Brian, Shiva, and I got it wrapped in gauze and tape. It has since healed over very well. Whew.


Mm, classes are ok. I don't feel as overwhelmed as I did the first two weeks of the semester. Except I feel like I'm not absorbing any of the information my profs have been giving me.

My research methods classes are relatively simple. Doing Observation project for Qualitative and SPSS stuff for Quantitative. Yay, social research. Prof Leisenring is chill. She's pregnant, so she'll be leaving sometime in April. Prof Garcia is all right. His humor doesn't really always fit my taste, but that's ok. I feel like I'm learning things that I already know or that seem to be common sense, but that's just me.

Global Society is all right. Just got into groups for a presentation. My group will be presenting on poverty in India on the first day of presentations <_< Otherwise, it's a fun class. Prof Cox keeps things exciting and interesting, even if he swears a lot. Though, I think he does it with better comedic timing than many other profs do. I usually find it distasteful when people with authority swear, but Cox does it well haha.

In Social Change, Prof Rokni missed last week's classes for personal reasons. But that class has been all right. I'm not sure her teaching methods really work with me, but we'll see. I don't take that many notes in her class because I don't know what I should write down. And our readings have been hundreds of pages of articles, essays, and speeches from the Abolitionist movement, Civil Rights movement, and Feminist movement. Lots of reading that I'm falling behind on. Some interesting stuff, but I'm not sure if my attention is completely hooked in this subject yet.

My online Philosophy class on computer ethics with Prof Sonnier is meh. Her notes aren't very clear, so I read stuff from other websites. A bulk of my grade depends on group work, but my teammates aren't very responsive or cooperative. I volunteered to be team leader for our first discussion paper, and luckily we did the best in the entire class with that paper. Last week, I did an individual paper, and I felt like that was a crap paper. This week is another group discussion paper. I'm hoping this will turn out well. A lot that I don't understand about this week's topic, but hopefully it will be ok. Otherwise, class isn't very organized, but the prof responds to emails and discussions, so questions do get answered.


So that's how things are so far, I guess. Been pretty busy with schoolwork. Some tough times outside of school stuff, but things will be all right. I'm being hopeful and relatively optimistic. Something new for a change, isn't it?

Oh, Western Regional at UCB is the weekend after this next one. Hope that works out for me to go. Still need to make sure Mother is ok with it (She already said she was, but she might have forgotten). Still need to figure out rides too.

Anyway, yeah, that's all. Keep it real.

I feel somewhat disappointed that I don't blog very often anymore. But I suppose it is good that I don't sit in front of the computer for the majority of my awake time.


School has been ok. I got into SOCI 116. I thought I wasn't going to because the class was full when I showed up the first day. But after class was over, I talked to Prof Cox, and he said that I was getting into the class for sure. Even if there were several other students trying to get the class. I felt bad for this other girl who had been in his class last semester but was dropped due to student loan complications. But it seems she eventually got into the class, so I don't feel as bad anymore <_<

So I'm kinda being lazy with my readings. I'm reading most of the assigned readings, but I don't feel like I'm absorbing any of the information. I feel like I'm still on break mode. Extra tired as well.

People have been asking me how I'm enjoying school so far. I've been saying that I enjoy my classes and my profs are informative and entertaining. But SJSU itself just annoys me. I want the education; I don't want the school as much.

First QTIP and Q&A meetings were last week on Wednesday and Thursday, respectively. Wasn't extremely exciting in QTIP. Small turnout. Played a fun and confusing follow-the-directions game. In Q&A, all the Viet kids talked about Lunar New Year (Tet) because it was the first day of Tet on Thursday. Talked about customs and such. Afterward, people made paper lanterns and ate traditional Viet foods and sweets. So tasty XD


Upcoming events that are welcome to all friends:

A Night to Remember. It's another queer dance. Theme: suits of cards or red/white/black, but you obviously don't have to follow the theme. It will be held on Friday, February 25th. 8PM-12AM. 18+. No alcohol. Barrett Ballroom in the SJSU Student Union. $5 presale/$7 at the door. There will be finger food and water. Professional photographer.

Western Regional LGBTQIA College Conference. @ UC Berkeley. March 4-6 (Weekend after the dance).

There are more events, but I just can't think of them right now.


So on Friday, Shiva and I went to the LGBT Resource Center (which moved from the BB Building to Hoover Hall) to help Billy make large posters for Q&A, QTIP (trying to change the name), and the dance. Billy is sooo talented haha. Amazing artist. Drew a lotus for Q&A. So pretty XD


Anyway, I feel like there's so much I want to remember. Yet, I can't remember <_< Horrible memory.

Oh, yesterday (Was it yesterday or Sunday? I can't even remember), Brian L came over to Shiva's place to give us a spare pocketknife he had recently bought. He showed us his new Buck knife. Shiva was trying to close it. It got stuck, and so she tried to force it to close. It snapped on her thumb ;-; Deep cut. Bled quite a bit ):

Shiva's got so many injuries T-T A big bruise on her arm near her elbow from kendo. I keep touching it because I forget >_< Sorry!


Uhhh, I feel so forgetful right now... -_____- I'm not remembering things I want to say. Not remembering things that Shiva tells me. Not remembering... Great, I just forgot what I was going to say I'm not remembering..

But on a happier(?) note, I'm excited for Western Regional! Hope it's worth the $35 >_>

Last two weeks of 2010...

Finals have been interesting. I pretty much spent most of every weekday this week with Shiva haha.
Slept over Sunday and Thursday nights.
Social Theory final on Monday was difficult as expected. Shiva and I were almost a split-second late to the 7h30 final.
On Tuesday, I hung out with Shiva in between her finals and after. After her Psych final, we hung out in her classroom so that she could get her score for the exam (which she didn't). Talked to her Indian prof about us XP I felt kinda awkward.
On Wednesday (our free day), I was supposed to go to campus to hang out with Shiva. However, I had to stay home all day because I did something idiotic the night before. I left my key in the front door all night. Totally forgot about my keys ;-; It was bad. Wednesday morning, Mother woke up and went outside. She saw the keys and freaked out. She's been telling all her friends about it ever since -_- She got hella paranoid, thinking someone got my keys, copied them, and then returned them to the door o_o I don't know why they would do that. I'd just try to break in right then and there. But anyway, yeah, that was fun -_-
So on Wednesday, Shiva came to my house instead. At first, it was just to hang out. But Mother asked if Shiva wanted to sleep over again. So Shiva slept over :P (Hm, we did a lot of sleeping this week). We watched "Repo Men" and "3 Idiots." Fun stuff :)
Shiva and I were up early on Thursday because I had my 100W final at 9h45. Yay, light rail. Final was simple. An analysis of an argument. Also got back my research paper. A, yay. Spent the rest of the day in Shiva's room.
Friday, woke up early for 7h15 final. My PHIL 57 final was much more difficult than I thought. Two essays and two truth tables. The essays were unexpected >_> I think I forgot to mention stuff in them. Oh well. Spent the rest of the day helping Shiva clean stuff out of her room. Took some of it home for myself XP
I don't remember if we were packing and cleaning on Thursday x_x How sad.
Anyway, we went to Christmas in the Park again with Q&A. Yay, rain that slowly builds up force (sadness for Shiva not wanting to share my umbrella with me ;-;). Finally saw the QTIP tree. Walked around a bit looking at trees and stuff. Shiva and I stopped by Bank of America haha. Met up with Killol. Listened to the carolers on the stage for a bit. Then Shiva and I left the group to go back to campus. On the way back, we stopped in an expensive bakery to get an eclair and a chocolate-dipped madeleine. Tasty.
Around 19h00, D came to drive Shiva and me to the SJ airport. Rain and darkness. And some confusion. Dropped Shiva off a little ways off from her entrance because we didn't know where to stop haha. Massive hugs and "miss you's" before I got back in the car and Shiva went on her way.

Anyway, yeah, I don't really remember everything that's happened this week. But that's ok. Maybe Shiva will fill in some details XD haha.... Oh, ate at the DC quite often this week.

Oh, yesterday, or rather Friday night, I forgot my wallet was still in my jeans and threw it all into the wash ): Yesterday, Mother found it before it went in the dryer. She got mad at me and my absentmindedness. Paper stuff were all ruined. Threw out all the business cards except one or two. Brother's photo got words inked onto it from a piece of a paper I had. Mother was angry about that too; bad luck. So she prayed and then tore the picture to discard it. Luckily, there were still three more of that picture. Senior ball photo was wet but ok. Back into the wallet haha. Now, my wallet is still slightly damp but lighter :P

I feel like I'm forgetting too many things this week. Keys, wallet. Reminds me of all the times I forgot other things that couldn't be saved ): Jackets, hats, iPod, cash.. So sad.

Random: Yay for repealing DADT!

Anyway, yesterday (Saturday), I spent all day organizing some of my music files and my desk, yay. Realized I should sell my textbooks soon. Watched "Memento."

Today, I got up and started organizing my room. Spent about five hours going through my backpack and my drawers. Tossing stuff out. Putting things in different, neater places. I don't remember if I gave all my junk away, but the bag of stuff that I had wanted to give away is missing. Still need to get rid of water color markers and paint(?). Re-discovered my wristbands, bandannas, and arm warmers. Stickers and stick-on tattoos! :D All from my childhood. Got rid of some of them though. Too many tiny pieces of stickers and such. Put on like three of the tattoos XD 'cause I'm awesome like that.
Also realized how long my hair has gotten o: It's crazy. But it's gonna be cut off hopefully this next summer.
Anyway, feels so nice to have an organized room. Even if Mother will probably disorganize it after the next laundry load.

Been reading Digital Fortress by Dan Brown. It's pretty awesome. I wish my brain could follow and solve complex codes.


So that's all I can remember from this week up until today. Gonna watch another movie tonight, read some more, and sleep early. Wake up early tomorrow, maybe get a head start on my term paper. Oh, Mother bought a buche de noel again XD Mmmm, tasty.


Five weeks till Brother is out :O So soon. Shiva will be back in three weeks. Almost everyone who's come back from college will be leaving in two weeks, or right after New Year's D: Christmas in less than a week.


Can't think of anything else to say right now. So I'll leave it here. Oh, I should put up resolutions or something soon. I'll do that in the next entry, if I remember.


Joyeux Noel!