For Shiva

Date Written: 26.X.10


Dear Shiva,

Did I win the bet? :3 If I did, I get to say, "I told you so," and you owe me a lunch date. If not, I owe you a lunch date.

Just call me, yeah? Or email me. Or write me a letter. Get in touch with me however you want. I'll answer. You know I will.

If I did win, then you better let me say, "I told you so!" XP And we should totally party and celebrate :)

If I didn't win, well you can say, "I told you so," and we can have a friendly debate about the terms of this bet.

Deal:
By or on October 3, 2020, if I, Thuy, still don't hate you, Shiva, then I win, and I get to tell you, "I told you so!" and to be treated to a nice lunch with one lovely Shiva. If I do hate you by or on that date, then I owe you a lunch date.

I hope this is clear enough :O

I hope the Internet is still around; is it? And I hope you still read my blog too :) I hope I still update this blog :O

Anyway, I am most certain that I have won the bet. From the start, I had an advantage: You are just so.... I'm going to be cliche and say there are no words that could truly describe you. I hope you don't doubt that now. I hope I've managed to show you the truth in what I say and in what I've been saying (for hopefully ten years).

How could I hate you? Especially if you are honest with me. I wouldn't hate you for being honest. Never. I will only love and appreciate you for being who you are, a beautiful woman who has enriched my life and made it meaningful. You have truly opened my eyes, my mind, and my heart.


Love,
Thuy
aka Steel Cheeks
aka Chubby Kitty



P.S. Yes, I know I've written this letter as though I know I've already won from the beginning. I'm pretty sure I have. But no matter what happens, I hope this letter brings a happy smile to your face :) Please always cherish the memories, the good and the bad, that we have had together. Remember that we got through the toughest storms together, and we're still both ok.

P.P.S. Whether as a friend or more, I love you.

P.P.P.S. For all the pain I have caused you in years past, I am truly sorry. For all the pain you have caused me in years past, I've never held it against you. You were always forgiven. You've brought more light than darkness into my life. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul. You will always be one of the greatest gifts I've ever received in my life, even if I didn't deserve you. I love you, Soul Friend.

Ending 2018; Starting 2019

2018 went by so fast. I feel like I only just started 2018 a couple of months ago, but a lot has happened this year.

----

Usually, around this time of year, I like to look back on the events of the current year and make plans for the next, occasionally waxing poetic about changes. This time is no different haha.

2018 was a personally fulfilling year. I did things I wanted to do, whether on the spur of the moment or as part of a planned bucket list activity.
+Donated peripheral blood stem cells (Feb)
+Started my Invisalign adjustments (Mar)
+Attended Seven Lions’ Chronicles Chapter 1 in Seattle (May)
+Left a $100 tip on a cheaper meal (May)
+Attended my 10-year high school reunion (Jun)
+Donated my hair after growing it out for nearly 3 years (Aug)
+Visited Colorado and attended Illenium’s show at Red Rocks (Aug)
+Walked through a corn maze (Sep)
+Went skydiving (Nov)
+Went axe-throwing (Nov)

I spent a lot of money (14+ shows, Audiotistic, 2 Dreamstates, and EDC LV) because I decided to forego a reasonable budget. But because of all these fun adventures, all my lovely friends, and some calculated personal changes, I was able to get myself into a better mental space. The splurging was a way for me to take a break from reality and to reward myself for doing better.

2017 and the beginning of 2018 had me struggling through a lot of depressive and anxiety-ridden episodes; I sometimes wondered if I would make it to the end of the year. However, as this year progressed, I gradually turned my thoughts and worries around; I'm not super peppy or overly optimistic, but I feel more level-headed in my mental/emotional approach to my fears and worries. I definitely still have occasional setbacks, but they don't feel as oh-no-it's-the-end-of-the-world as they did at the beginning of 2018. The things that I can't seem to change, I've learned to accept; I'm always going to be an over-thinker, but consistently recognizing that what I think doesn't necessarily reflect reality has helped me maintain a grip on my sanity and perspective. Woo, progress!

----

I had planned to quit my job on my birthday, but I decided to stay after my employer offered to increase my pay a bit and move me to another team. I'm grateful to still have a job during the holidays. I'm still helping out my old team because of an abnormally large amount of work that came in; so I haven't really learned anything for my new team. To be honest, I haven't really felt motivated to learn new workflows. And the reasons that made me want to leave in the first place are still there. I'm still putting out the best work I can and helping the team as much as I can, but I find myself feeling extremely apathetic about the job on most days.

----

Recently, I had developed a minor crush on a guy. It's been an interesting experience. We're getting to know each other better. We're friends. We've kissed.

At first, I didn't know what it meant because we didn't really talk about it. We're friends, but we're physically and intellectually attracted to each other; overall, this is the most attracted I've felt toward any guy in my life. I wasn't sure if the emotional attraction was or would ever be there. I said as much; he concurred.

In my weird mistrust of people's words, I thought he was playing games and really could be interested in a romantic relationship. It worried me because I don't like the imbalance of feelings in any relationship. So I worried myself, wondering, "Could I be emotionally attracted to him? Emotionally attracted to a man? If I could, what would be so bad about that?" Other people's opinions... I think my mom would feel relief, which bothers me because of the I-told-you-you're-not-really-gay aspect of it. I'm also uncertain of how my queer friends would take it. Hopefully not bad because I've always said I wanted to be open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to and falling in love with a man. And I am open to it. I came to that conclusion after some major self-reflection.

I let him know what I was thinking. He said we can just be friends. (What he says is what he means, which I'm learning to trust and take at face value. Typically, some guys, who said they only wanted friendship, were really hoping for more, which put a weird strain on our friendships.) I was disappointed by his response but not as much as I thought I would be. Probably because of the lack of emotional connection haha; he's not a very emotional person, whereas I am; he's more of a let-it-go person, whereas I'm not. So it works out. I'm over it now.

We're still friends. We're still physically attracted to each other. We've set our boundaries.

----

I'm going to ring in the new year at Kaskade's show in SF with Matt and his new boyfriend, Khai. I don't think any of our other close friends will be there; they're either keeping it low-key or going to another NYE event. This will be a different experience. I've always gone to NYE events with people who were there with me. I know Matt and Khai will be there, but I don't know if it will be quite the same with my third-wheel status haha. I know I'll have fun no matter what though; so it doesn't really matter.

----

I don’t have many plans for 2019 yet, and the few I have are tentative as always. I’m also gonna set another EDM ticket budget, and I won't scrap it this time.

Shows and Festivals:
+Wobbleland - SF
+Gryffin - SF
+Excision - SF
+EDC LV of course

Other:
+Finish my Invisalign adjustments sometime in March
+Bucket list: Go to a range and shoot something. (I've put this off for so long.)
+Bucket list: Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. (I've also put this off for too long.)
+LASIK
-I bought a camping package for Electric Forest 2019; however, I’m going to sell it to put that money toward the LASIK and/or family instead. (The brother is out of a job; so I feel weird trying to plan multiple expensive vacations while he's struggling.)
+Attend a different, cheaper, and closer music festival instead
+Skydive again, hopefully without glasses this time
+New tattoo
+Camping with friends
+Visit at least one new place; haven't decided where yet

----

I'm always thinking about change. About how I really want it, about how I strongly want to avoid it, about how it's necessary for life.

But at this point, I don't know what changes I want to make. I think the best I can do are the physical changes (i.e. Invisalign, LASIK, wardrobe). The mental changes are harder because I don't know what needs to improve. My self-image is better than ever; not great, but better than it has been.

I think getting a new job will probably become a priority for this year. I've been on my team for 3.5 years now, and I don't feel much like a valued employee. I mean I am still here and got a small pay raise, but watching most of my coworkers get laid off and be replaced by new hires through a different agency left a terrible taste in my mouth. And the coworkers that are still around are slowly getting jobs elsewhere and leaving. I don't want to be the last one here. I don't want to lose that sense of family that we had all built together. But it's happening. I feel like we're all just hanging on to the last bit of family we have on this project until we can find a new workplace to call home.

Anyway, change is always happening, whether we're aware of it. I guess I just need to take charge of the changes in my life as much as I can.

----

2018 has been a good and weird year. Not my favorite, but it was an enjoyable learning experience.

What not to say to a friend experiencing a mental health problem

----

I don't necessarily think all of these are bad, per se, but when, how, and why we say them is crucial to the conversation.

If our friends aren't in the right mindset, then it's not a good time to say anything. It's good to just listen and pay attention for any warning signs. If we waste our time on unsolicited advice, we might miss some important signs. When our friends are in a better headspace and are more receptive to feedback, then we have an opportunity to add our two cents. Just remember it's our two cents, not fact.

Our word choice and body language are very important because it shows our intentions and our understanding of our friends' situations. Our demeanor shows them if we're listening or dismissive. What they think we're thinking or doing determines how much more they'll reveal to us and how much our words will sink in.

Our true intentions with our words will determine if we help or hurt our friends. Speaking out of frustration will never be helpful. Frustration is there because we want to help but we can't. We can't control our friends. We see the solution, but they don't. Or they do, but they won't follow through. We can't make them.

Speaking through encouragement (positive reinforcement) is slow and arduous, but I think it's the most helpful in most situations. It's definitely a test of our patience. But hey, we're only dealing with the problem for this moment; our friends have to deal with it almost every day alone. Tbh, if we're that frustrated with our friends, imagine how frustrated they are with themselves.

----

Back to the link:

Therapists and counselors may try to get us to realize these things on our own. But there's a difference between a person who's trained to help us come to our own conclusions and a person who's just putting in their two cents on what they think our problem is.

One has built our trust, reminds us that they're coming from a place of understanding, and encourages us to take our next steps. The other doesn't necessarily make that same effort because it seems unnecessary when the message is coming from a friend. And this is why a therapist is a therapist, not a friend.

----

Mental health problems suck. Sometimes, our brains know one thing, but they think the opposite; and we're so damn aware of this disconnect. Being bluntly reminded of how disconnected our brains are is irritating. "You just need to do this (i.e. take care of yourself, exercise, eat better, stop overthinking), and you won't have those problems anymore." Sometimes, it is that simple; but fun fact: It's not always that simple.

I get frustrated hearing things like that because I know it could be that simple but I don't let it be. I definitely don't feel encouraged when people say things like that to me. If anything, there's some irrational part of me that wants to do the opposite of what they say just to spite them. Or is it to spite myself? Because I fail at something that's so easy for others, I deserve to fail harder and hurt myself more. Irrational.

It's funny though. I've had conversations with friends about my issues and baggage. They offer advice. Sometimes, I ignore it. Other times, I listen. But I never take their advice immediately. It has to sit and simmer. Time has to pass before I put their advice into action. Although, if my friends bring it up again too soon, I have to let it simmer longer.

I like it when my friends don't give me direct advice. Instead, they offer suggestions. Suggestions don't have to simmer as long as advice does.

Last-minute, miscellaneous thoughts for 2017

I've been sounding like a broken record all year, but I have to reiterate how lucky I feel to have the caring, helpful, and generous friends I have. They're enablers, but I am so appreciative of all the love they share.

I thought I was going to break my tradition of raving at the end of the year because of my budget. Matt is not even in town, but he got me a ticket for Kaskade's open-to-close set tomorrow night. I used the last of my 2017 budget to pay Matt back what I could for a portion of the ticket. This guy, what did I do to deserve him?

And I guess my NYE raving tradition is slightly broken? The show is on the 30th rather than the 31st. So I'll party it up tomorrow night and then have a lowkey NYE night with a few friends who also decided not to rave into the new year :) Yay, I won't be alone!

----

In the past 4.5 years, I went from 0 to 60 really quickly. My high school and college years were mellow. I barely knew what partying was; I couldn't afford to know what it was haha. I started letting loose a little in 2013 and going out more and more frequently. At some point, I was going out just about every weekend. At the end of 2016, I decided I needed to rein it in to save money and to try other things; so I put some restrictions on myself for 2017. I still went out on some weekends, but monetary limits kept me mindful. I think I've even returned to my 2013 levels of partying haha. Not bad.

----

2017 has been a challenging year in ways I didn't foresee, but it has been filled with many wonderful new adventures, lessons, and changes. I am so grateful for all the friends that supported me through the lows and cheered me on during the highs. I probably wouldn't have survived this year with my mind intact without all of them.

----

I always look forward to the end of the year because it feels like an accomplishment to reach it. Even though, I know it's such an arbitrary thing to care about. All the things that happened this year have shaped me into someone who is different from who I was a year ago. I'm more anxious and worried. I have to constantly train myself to trust. But I'm also more appreciative. I'm much more aware. I'm finding a new balance in my life. I try harder to not take time and people for granted.

I just hope I remember to keep this going. I got to the end of 2017 in one piece; I can keep going.

----

2018 will bring in new challenges; I hope I can ready myself for them, and I hope I've learned enough not to make the same mistakes I've made before.

I probably won't travel as much as I did this year, which wasn't that much anyway. Maybe two or three trips. We'll see how things pan out.

I hope I find the courage to step out of my comfort zone again. Enough to make a more positive impact on others.

Weekend of Destiny

I spent this past Friday and Saturday experiencing many new things. First inaugural festival. First small festival. First time really camping. First time going to a festival with a stranger (so it was almost like a solo trip). First time making strong connections with folks on my own. First time spending most of festival sitting down and still enjoying everything haha.

The Untz Festival. Top-notch everything. People, venue, production, music, atmosphere, everything.

Initially, I was planning to go completely solo. No idea with lodging or transportation. But in April, I decided to post on the Facebook event page to see anyone would adopt me into their group for the weekend. This wonderful stranger named Summer from SB replied to say she was going solo as well and offered to share her tent with me. And so the start of adventure was in the making.

I picked up Summer from the Greyhound stop at the Caltrain station early in the morning on Friday. We spent some time in downtown getting her coffee and getting food supplies from Safeway. Also, I was trying so damn hard to find a restroom to use. Nothing open before 9. Flames came through and let me use the restroom without having to buy anything haha. Thank goodness. Anyway...

Mariposa County Fairgrounds. Such a beautiful place. It only took about 2.5 hours to get there from San Jose. We set up camp in one of the pavilions and greeted some neighbors. Dusty, but not too bad. I think this was also the first time I've brought so much stuff with me. Not used to it. Used to hotels providing enough that I only bring one or two bags. Oh, but the heat. So hot. I was dying during the day (99 degrees! Low-80s at 9AM. Survived off of watermelon slushy drinks and caffeinated beverages). But luckily, the day stages, Half Dome and El Capitan, had canopies or mesh cover thingies (I really don't know what they're called). The night stages, Matterhorn and Glacier Point, were indoors and farther away from the main camping areas. All beautiful and unique setups. Initially, I thought the stages and screens were really small. But when the visuals came on, I was so blown away.

Hippie/gypsy vibes were new to me, but they grew on me and I loved it. People were so weird but so friendly; I mean, people have been nice at the other events I've attended, but the friendliness and atmosphere here were something else. Summer and I met several folks, whom we continued to run into throughout the weekend. Nate first (SF) and his friend Claire. Summer's new rave bae Zach and his friends Eric and Derek, all from 2 hours north of Seattle. All sorts of weirdness ensued. I loved it all. And I'm so grateful that everyone I met didn't mind that I was a follower haha. Too nervous to explore on my own. Maybe next year.

I came in only knowing of a handful of the artists (mostly of the melodic bass genre). I left, knowing there are so much more I want to listen to. Every set I heard was fantastic. All the funk and psychedelic music, I've listened to but never preferred. I still don't think I prefer them, but I have a newfound appreciation for the music. And I would definitely check out more events that feature these types of music. My top sets of the weekend (I'm not even sure I know how to rank them): Said The Sky (great first set to start the weekend), Illenium, Phutureprimitive, Bass Physics, Sugarbeats, Sixis, and Mystral. I listened to Desert Dwellers' set yesterday at work because Summer and I missed their set to nap. (Second time she's missed their set; so I say third time will be the charm.)

Summer and I kept joking that Destiny was on our side all weekend. I don't really believe in fate or destiny. But everything just seemed to fall together so well throughout the weekend. So this weekend became the Weekend of Destiny. Haha because she found rave bae, I got to sleep in our tent by myself both nights XD No complaints. A little lonely, but it was all good. Plenty of self-care and introspection time for myself.

I came into this festival not knowing or expecting anything. Well, okay, I kinda expected to be overwhelmed and not have that great of a time because this was a new festival and I didn't know how my introverted nature would affect my experience. I was very much introverted this weekend, but it didn't prevent me from fully enjoying myself. The friends I made were fucking wonderful, and no one made me feel like a loser for not "fully immersing" myself in the camaraderie. I got to do what I wanted to do without feeling like anyone would judge me for not doing it their way; and I often feel like people would judge me at other events I've gone to. But not at Untz. I was sitting for much of the weekend and not dancing much. But I was totally enjoying every second.

I hope the Untz Festival comes back because I will definitely go again. There is a chance it might not; the turnout was really low. So low that there really weren't any lines for anything, not the vendors, not the restrooms, not the showers. So low that, even at the most packed sets, there was so much room to dance directly in front of the stage. So low there was enough space for all of the flow artists to do their thing in the crowd. People gave space where it was needed. Last time I saw that was at Dreamstate SF, a trance event. I'm so used to people shoving me out of the way otherwise. At Untz, everyone was really nice and courteous :) All such beautiful people, even if I didn't talk to many of them haha.

Oh, just remembered, Summer and I got little chips of abalone shells and Pokemon cards from someone named Mikey. I got Clefable, and Summer got Cofagrigus (never heard of this one before haha). Not big on Pokemon, but it was still very exciting haha.

So much happened this past weekend, but I'm blanking on specifics. I was hoping that writing this entry would jog my memory, but it's not haha. Overall though, this was just an eye-opening and mind-blowing experience. One I didn't think I would ever experience. I mean, I thought EDC was great the first time, but Untz was something else entirely. And to think, I was sober for most of it haha. (Alcohol was cheap though.)

If this happens again, I'm definitely camping. Also definitely gonna try to bring someone with me. If not, well hopefully everyone I met will reunite at the next ^_^

----

I have EDC next week. And I'm already wondering how it will compare to Untz. I've been to EDC twice, and it's been a great experience. But I haven't experienced anything like what I had at the Untz. The EDC crowdedness is gonna get to me for sure. The restrooms won't be the same; they'll be port-a-potties >.< But I'm not gonna let this shit get in the way of my enjoyment. As much as I didn't want to go to EDC this year, I really am looking forward to reuniting with a lot of friends this time around. The past two years, EDC was just for the music; I barely met up with people. This year, music is still important, but I've got so many friends to reconnect with!

So many more festivals I want to go to. I might be adding a couple more to this year >.> All the moneys will be gone... Must pace and save somehow... But Shambhala though... Ahhh. If not this year, maybe next year, the 20th anniversary haha. Hmm...

I feel like I'm always stuck in the past and can't let go of it. But I don't think I ever really confront it much either. So everything just stays stuck.

Today, Shiva and I confronted our past together. And it was difficult. I still don't know what to think. I suppose I still have a lot of anger and resentment that I never let myself express.

I want to be her friend. But I just don't know if I can now.

I've been thinking about this on and off for a long while. I just never had to actually face it.

But anyway, I got things off my chest. A lot of things I never said after we broke up. I put a lot of the blame on myself for our relationship. And I guess she took some of it off of me. She apologized.

And I don't know how I feel about any of this.

We're probably not gonna talk for a while. I'm still going to her graduation because I do want to see her graduate. But after that, I don't know what I would want from our friendship.

I guess I just need to process things and figure it out eventually.

Respectfully Disagree.

We can be friends with differing perspectives, beliefs, and opinions.  We interpret and assign meaning to things based on our experiences, environment, upbringing, and various other factors. If you respect me and I respect you, we can be friends. If you learn from me and I learn from you, we can be friends.

I have friends who believe "men should be men" and "women should be women." I understand what they're saying and accept that they believe that because that's what they grew up with. I grew up with it too, but I don't agree with it. Some of these friends used to tell me I should do certain things to look less like a guy (e.g. grow out my hair, wear make-up, stop walking like a guy). It used to hurt me because it made me feel like less of a person since I wasn't "normal" and I wasn't making the effort to change. I have since grown up and learned more about the world and the people around me. I have learned to talk about these different opinions with the very friends who disagree with me. We have had heated arguments. Hopefully, we have taken worthwhile lessons from these arguments. And we're still friends. Most of them don't try to tell me how to dress or act anymore; I hope it's because they realized I am who I am and I try to be a good person regardless of the way I present myself.

And you know what? I wasn't any better than those friends when I was younger. I used to believe the same thing. "Men should be men, and women should be women." I didn't actively push this belief on others, but I still believed it. I used to think trans people were disgusting and weird, even when I first started college. I first met trans people in college, and I just kept my distance. And I wouldn't try so hard to interact with them. I observed them from afar and thought, "How could you feel that way? That's not normal." But then I wondered why I even felt this way. No trans person has ever done anything that negatively affected me. The few interactions I had had with trans folks at the time just showed me that they were as welcoming as any other person I had ever met in my life. So I got to know a few and learned about the community. I still don't know that much about the community, but I know enough about life and people in general to say that trans people are people who can be just as wonderful or just as terrible as any other person in this world. Their genders make no difference; their genders cannot help me predict their mentality, behavior, or anything like that any more so than can the genders of cisgender folks.

All these lessons were learned through amicable interactions and friendships between people who disagreed or did not see eye-to-eye. It could be difficult, but it's possible. We have to be open to it. Open to learning, to growing, to expanding beyond our own limitations.

That alone-in-a-crowded-room feeling.

I have this new tendency to book a lot of fun events for myself and to forget that I can't be around people so often without breaks. Breaks of quiet. Breaks of solitude. Forcing my extroversion again, while ignoring my introvert needs.

I need to spend some time with myself. Outside. It has been months since the last time I did this. I've been surrounded by too many people for too long, as well as alone in the wrong environments for too long. Maybe this is why I haven't completely felt like my happy self in a while. Why I have felt disconnected, lonely, and out of place. I tend to only feel lonely when I'm interested in someone I can't have or when I'm surrounded by a lot of people. I currently find myself in both situations often haha.

Ugh. I need to take better care of myself, to stop running away, to refocus, and to find a new balance. If I could get myself back to how I felt in 2013, that would be great. Ideal.


Also, right now, I find myself somewhat enamored with two people, Cat and Amenda. It's strange to me. I tend to focus on one person and not notice anyone else. But this time, it's different. Funny thing is they're dating each other XD Yeah. They're both very attractive people. Their personalities make them even more attractive. Granted, I am very close friends with Cat now, and so my attraction to her is much stronger. I'm starting to get to know Amenda better; I have this feeling that my crush on her is going to grow, possibly to the level of attraction that I have to Cat. It's worrisome because I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll do something stupid.

I've been honest with Cat about this though. And I assume she tells Amenda everything. So yeah [shrug].

I've been thinking about this quite a bit. I'm conflicted. Not used to this more-than-one-girl interest haha. Also don't really wanna be feeling anything for anyone who's in a relationship. I normally shut people out of my life for a while to get over whatever feelings I may have for them. This time, I didn't do that with Cat. I'm trying to invest in our friendship, but that means I'm getting to know her better, which means my feelings get cemented a little more each time we talk. And I'm pretty that's starting to happen with Amenda... I'm playing a dangerous game with my emotions, knowing that nothing's coming out of this for me except for their friendships and my attachment.

Guess we'll see where this goes though... Hopefully nowhere bad haha. I just need to keep myself in check.

Dating Strangers.

>.>

A couple of different friends recently (and incredulously) asked me why I haven't dated strangers. Why won't I try meeting and dating new people?

My answer: I think every relationship's foundation should always be a strong friendship. Your partner should be one of your best friends. If you can't be good friends, how are you supposed to be good partners? I personally would like to know that we connect on various levels, not just on a romantic or aesthetic one. I could meet someone I'm interested in, but I wouldn't pursue anything immediately. I would get to know them as a person first. No dates or anything like that. No need to try to impress each other. I just want to get to know you, not the you that you think I would like.

I've also always taken comfort in the fact that Shiva has remained one of my closest friends despite everything bad that happened between us in our relationship. I hate losing people. So I would like to know that, if a relationship were to go south, we could still be friends and our friendship is much stronger than any troubles we face. A break-up would just mean we tried our best to make things work but we weren't compatible or the timing was off. (It's always the timing, dang it!)

When you break up with someone who was never a friend in the first place, you don't have a friendship to go back to. I just can't see myself doing that. When you have such a strong bond together, when you've built something together, when that person is a really good influence on your life, sometimes you should keep their presence in your life. Obviously, breaking up would require some time and space from each other. But it doesn't have to last forever. You can still keep that good influence in your life.

I know that not every relationship that starts as a friendship could return to a friendship. I know circumstances vary. But I would like to know that the possibility is there. Starting off as strangers just makes it seem nearly impossible to retain a friendship afterward. Yeah, some folks should not be friends after they break up. But I can't imagine any relationship of mine ending like that. I would hope I don't date someone who could end up hating me or vice versa.

Another pro for not dating strangers: It feels like I'm less likely to date someone psychotic or abusive. Sometimes, I'm not sure how vulnerable I would be to dating that type of person. Or if I would be able to get myself out of it if that were the case. So as a preventative measure, getting to know a person as well as I can before I decide I would like to explore further options would be best. I've met some very attractive people that I decided to get to know better. And oh dear goodness. The arrogance, the willful ignorance, the stupidity, and the bullshit that has come out of people's mouths... I can't.

When you go on dates with people who don't know you, they're often trying to be on their best behavior to impress you. You don't always get the real, stupid things that are going through their minds until you are nearing or have entered a relationship. Then this is where you feel like you've wasted time and interest. Or you feel like you both have invested enough to give them a pass for the bullshit.

I've realized and come to accept the fact that I'll probably always be the one to pursue someone else. If I'm going to put in all that effort, I want to make damn sure that person is well worth the effort before I take a step in that direction.


You know, I say all this, and I feel like it's the truth for me. But sometimes, I ponder the option of just asking out a stranger. Just to see how that would work out. But I know a part of me is just too afraid to try that. Plus, aesthetically-pleasing strangers really aren't always that attractive... Personality really pulls me in. I've realized this. Recent experiences has proven it to me. So I'll stick with my experience.

Though, who knows? Maybe one day I'll take a risk and try something different. Like Tinder... Hahahahaha maybe not. I have not yet reached that limit.

Interest can be reciprocated.

This past Friday night, I was hanging out with my friend Vivi and catching up. She's been in Portland for almost a year now. Crazy how fast that passed.

Hung out until 1 or 2 in the morning just talking about a bunch of different things.

At some point in our conversation, I decided to reveal to her that I used to be interested in her. I kinda just threw it into the conversation. Well, I mean, there was a point to it. I was talking about how my first crush was on someone I barely knew and how it affected me and my future romantic interests. I find people attractive or cute, but I don't pursue anything unless we become friends first and I get to know them well enough. Basically, every serious interest I've had has been in someone who was a good friend.

I was listing examples of my former romantic interests. And I tried to add her into the list nonchalantly. I think I lingered on it though haha. When I finished the list, it was quiet for a moment. I didn't really think in that moment. Vivi asked me if I felt awkward, and I said yes. She asked why I felt awkward, and I smiled and shrugged. She then said that it was funny because she was interested in me around the same time.

I blanked for a second, and then an incredulous "What?" came out of my mouth haha. I didn't really ask anything about it. I wasn't sure what to ask. Now, I know what I want to ask, but she's back in Portland :P Next time we talk, I'll ask. When exactly? For how long? Etc. Just some details to maybe fluff up my ego haha.

If I had known this back then, I might have made the foolish decision to ask her out or something. But I know, looking back, I wasn't ready. She most likely wasn't either. Both of us had baggage we were incapable of letting go. I could see that then too, but I might have ignored it if I had known.

I'm glad the awkward moment only lasted a moment XD Glad we could carry on like we usually do. It was good haha. Just thought this was something interesting to share.

Now, I'm just a tiny bit more convinced that a person I like could like me as much. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to ask someone out, after I got to know them as a friend first, of course :P I might not get rejected XD Confidence up by 5% hahaha.

Rest In Peace, Rahul.

Today, (technically yesterday now) after work, I found out from Shiva that a past friend from college committed suicide. I logged onto Facebook to see if there was anything else. It happened a few weeks ago. The handful of people that posted about Rahul's death all mentioned that they had a serious falling out with him years ago and regret or don't regret the events that took place between them. That's really all I know. And I probably won't hear anything else about it.

My initial reaction was shock, obviously. My brain refused to process it. My face started making that awkward smile that creeps up when my brain wants to be in disbelief. And when I couldn't fight it anymore, the sadness and tears came. The remorse too. But the remorse came slowly. Shiva even advised me about that before it ever occurred to me that I felt remorse. Even though I felt shock, I wasn't surprised. I don't think anyone was really surprised to hear the news.

We knew he was dealing with a lot of issues. We knew he was depressed. We knew he was angry. Many of us wrote him off as hateful and abrasive. He started ignoring us, cutting us off from his life. We didn't fight to stay in his life. I hadn't held a conversation with him for at least two years.

He was a good friend to me during the period that we still considered each other friends. He listened, and he gave me advice and pep talks. I did the same for him. We had fun together. He once told me that I was a good person, a good friend, someone who deserved the life she was granted. That meant a hell of a lot to me because he never really seemed to trust or believe in anybody.

This is where the remorse comes in: I should have tried harder with Rahul to be his friend. I knew he did listen to me at one point, for a while. But when he started cutting everyone I knew out of his life, I didn't bother to try to be there for him. I wrote him off too, based off of what everyone else said about the things he did to people. I didn't approve of the things he did, but he never did any of that to me. Now, I wonder if I could have at least made a tiny, positive difference in his life, if I had tried just a little bit.

A part of me just thought or maybe hoped that, one of these days, our paths would cross again, and we could pick up where we left off. And now he's left us, so that chance meeting isn't going to happen in this lifetime.

I know I'll eventually reconcile the remorse, but the weight of knowing that he's not here, that he felt so alone, feels like it's pressing down on me, reminding me that I could have done better. But I know Shiva and Vivi are right: We aren't the people we were when we knew him. We didn't know enough to help him then. If we had the knowledge and experiences we have today, we may have been able to help him and support him. We have to accept that the people we were then weren't ready or able to handle the issues that came up. Now, we can learn from it and hopefully be ready and able.

Sometimes, I just wish I was perfect. Perfect at reading people, interacting with them, helping them, making their lives better or at least much more bearable. But the best I can do is to try. I hope that it's enough.


In lighter news, I logged onto Facebook for the first time in about a year. I've been meaning to log in the past three weeks but just forgot or didn't feel like it. Rahul's death gave me a reason to log in. I stayed on and looked around. Read a few messages that I've missed. Looked at the friend requests. Looked at photos I've been tagged in. Kat uploaded three photos of me with my first fauxhawk haha. I miss that fauxhawk.

Last thing I did on Facebook was to send a long message to Tina, apologizing for how immaturely I handled our issues and ended our friendship and hoping for new bridges. One of the main reasons I've wanted to get onto Facebook was to contact her. I feel like I've taken enough time to grow up and learn how to better deal with conflict and negative emotions. I suppose some people would say it's better to leave burnt bridges alone, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm too hopeful for that. I've improved myself over the past year, and I'm in a relatively better place. No better time to build a new bridge.

Tina seems to be doing better too from what I can see on her Facebook. Her old one was deleted, I guess, and she created a new one. She seems to be in a relationship. I'm hoping we've both grown enough to be able to be friends again. Of course, I won't hold it against her if she chooses to not accept my offer. I understand when people move on. I just don't want to lose any opportunities.


Anyway, yeah, this is all I can really remember from this day. I'm glad it's the weekend and I don't have any plans. I can stay home, process things, and move along.

Life goes on, yeah? And we go on with it.

First Week at Randstad.

It's been a good week at work. I'm quickly getting the hang of the work. It's very simple and very quick. I'm hoping it's improving my searching and skimming abilities haha. The coworkers that I work near are mostly Filipino, very chill folks. They've helped me learn quite a bit. It's getting easier in some parts and a little more confusing in others as I do more work, but it's all good. I'll get used to it. I'm progressing pretty well. And I'd probably be near the top of the list of operators if other people weren't giving me false negatives >:

So the gist of the operation without revealing too much, if I could actually do that: We tag things with labels on computers. Obviously, there's nothing that actually tells us if they're correctly labeled. So the system randomly chooses three operators' answers, and majority rules. It's a relatively quick and efficient system. You know, two or three people independently agreeing on an answer are more likely to be correct than one person. So, when it's a 2-agree-1-disagree situation, the 1 loses percentage in accuracy, and someone above us checks the images to determine where the 1 made a mistake. So far, I've been the 1 in four 2-1 situations. One situation is still unknown because we can't look at it yet, but it's likely to be similar to the rest. But the other three "mistakes" I've gotten have been false negatives for me, meaning that I was actually correct in what I tagged and the other two operators were not. However, we can't change what's been tagged, and so my score remains unaffected by the discoveries. So while the answers that the system has randomly selected from me have all been correct, my accuracy score is in the red >.< So sad.

Thankfully, scores only represent how well I'm doing on a two-week rolling basis, meaning scores change every day after the first two weeks of work because the two-week period is different the next day. So hopefully, eventually I'll be in the green or at least the yellow. Not happy about the red. It's not even my fault ;-; My almost-perfectionist side weeps.

I hope this made some kind of sense. I'm not supposed to reveal confidential info about work obviously, so a vague job description should be all right, yeah?

Though I'm complaining (but not really, because I hardly think about the scores), overall the job is great. Simple and quick. Great, friendly coworkers. Free drinks, free snacks, and maybe thirty microwaves in the food space. I can listen to my music. I sing along with my music to keep my energy level up. There's no real rush other than finishing tasks quickly--it's all timed. Very relaxed atmosphere. So relaxed people have a tendency of falling asleep. I thought I would fall asleep yesterday, but I didn't. While I was super tired, I didn't feel like I was gonna fall asleep, so that was good. I actually had very high productivity yesterday, surprising...


Thursday night, I had gone to (the new Club Fuz) Club Hashtag's grand opening to watch Ariane perform with her dance crew :) I got lost twice trying to find my way to the club because it's been a year and a half since I was last there and I had never driven there myself, only driven drunk friends home from there. Had to text and ask Matt for directions. I went by myself this time because friends had to cancel and other friends didn't feel like going. It was cool though because I just hung out with Ariane backstage until it was time for her to perform. Neither of us actually felt like dancing haha. Main Stacks and VIPSJ performed. I enjoyed VIP's performance way more. More attitude, I guess. More something else too, but I can't think of the word. But I guess I might be biased since that's Ariane's crew :P

Went straight home to bed after watching the performance and giving Ariane a "You're awesome!" hug haha. It's been a long time since I've seen her perform. Maybe nine or ten months ago. Too long ago. And soon she's gonna be in LA, pursuing her dreams. When will I get to see her then? >: We haven't seen each other much in the past few years. Thursday night was probably the first time in years where the two of us just hung out. We usually only see each other when other people come back from school and invite us to things. Sad because we both stayed in San Jose. But busy lives and busy schedules... I've known Ariane the longest out of all my friends outside of family friends. It's been eleven years. It's crazy. Didn't think I would ever know someone for more than a handful of years. I'm happy she's got something to be passionate about and to pursue. I hope she gets where she wants to go, and I hope in a few years I get to tell strangers "Eyyy! That's my friend! She's awesome!" haha.


I'm getting overly sentimental right now. Just spent some time reading friends' old LiveJournal entries hahaha. Oh man, comparing the things that we talked about back then to the things we talk about now, it's so different yet not. Read some of those "Answer these questions honestly"/"Bold the things that are true" questionnaires and laughed like crazy. We were pretty innocent and inexperienced back then; if I did one of those now, I would be able to cross off "Passed out drunk," "Can drive," "Have a best friend," "Have fallen in love," and "Want kids in the future." I'm all grown up now hahaha.


Ok, I'm going to sleep early :D Going to Carmel with Albert and some others tomorrow morning. Gonna be fun. Haven't seen them all in a while. (I think I say this about every friend I hang out with.)

I cried at work today.

Today was full of good stuff for me. I've only been working for a week, and now I've already cried because of work.

My trainer, Angelica, had asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was tired like I have been all week. She looked at me for a while and then said that I don't eat enough. I said I eat enough. I just don't have any of my own food at home to bring with me to eat yet; I need to wait for my paycheck to come in so that I have money that I'm not saving and can spend. Angelica and a few coworkers asked me if I wanted our other coworkers to chip in to buy or bring me food every day, and I said no. That's just too nice for people to do for a stranger like me, who's probably not staying at this job for too long. Then my coworker Jaswinder asked me if I was eating dinner, and I said, "Yeah, my friend cooks for me." Haha. It's kinda true. I don't think she believed me though because she looked at me like it was a weird thing to say.

At break time, Angelica and some other coworkers bought tamales from a taco truck. Angelica saved two for me. I appreciated it. I saved one for home.

At the end of the work day, I noticed that Angelica had a whole bunch of cash on our table, but I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later after cleanup, she pulled me aside and told me that she knows I don't want any help but everybody there is very nice and really cares about each other. Then she started counting and putting the money into my hand. She also gave me a list of people's name. There was a total of nineteen coworkers who chipped in. $240 in cash. I was awestruck. Angelica had asked coworkers, some I don't even know, during her lunch break to help me out. I had a late lunch, so it was easy for her to surprise me.

So after she gave me the money and explained that everyone there cares and would like me to be ok, I just started crying. I didn't know what to say or do. I just thanked her. It felt like everything around became muted. (And it's a factory, so it's very loud in there.) She told me that even though I've only worked there for a week, she can tell that I'm a good person and a hard worker. I just cried harder.

Man, after an exhausting week, this was the perfect end to it. I came to Knightsbridge Plastics, Inc., thinking it was just a temp job and I probably wouldn't get to know people all that well. But in a week, I've talked to a handful of people who are pretty awesome. And now some of those people and others I haven't met have given me something. I don't know how to repay them. I just feel so grateful to be surrounded by such thoughtful, awesome, lovely people. Today made me realize it wouldn't be so bad to continue working here.

However, that leads me to the next good thing that happened today. The hiring manager from Randstad called me and told me that there's a possible job opening for me. I told her I could start a week from Monday, April 1; I'd like to be able to give a few days' notice to my current employer. Details haven't been finalized yet, but the chance is there. Tomoyo, the manager, just wanted to give me a head's up, in case I was still looking for work. Even though the kindness that I was given today made me feel better about working at KPI, I would still like a job that helps me save more by being closer to home or paying more. Anyway, Tomoyo said that she would call me back on Monday to let me know for sure and to let me have a few days to decide if I would like to take the job.

I don't know what I will do about the job. I'll probably take the Randstad job if it's officially offered. We'll see what happens. I might just feel kinda sad to leave all these nice friends I've started making. We don't really have any reason to talk outside of work. But who knows what will happen until I leave? Maybe I'll get some emails or numbers, and we'll all hang out. Haha probably not. Most of my coworkers are busy with work and families... But these are the kinda people I would like to be friends with. We need more people like them. I'm lucky to have met some of them.

Anyway, the rest of my day was eventful, I suppose. I went to Chase today to open a bank account. I was in such a good mood that I actually chatted with the banker who was helping me. Talking to people seemed a little easier and more fun today.

And I just realized I forgot the apartment number in my address when I was opening the bank account. Ahh, so stupid -_- It's been a while since I've had to add an apartment number to my address.

Hmm, I also visited Dexter today. Played with him for a bit. Fed him a little bit, even though I wasn't supposed to :P I smelled like wet dog when I left him. Also felt really bad that he was alone. He started whining when I was leaving /: I realize I don't know if I could handle having a dog. A cat, maybe. Dogs need a little too much attention. I'd like a pet who knows when I need to be alone and can be ok home alone.

Oh, another stupid thing I did. I almost caused a car accident on the way home from Dexter. I didn't realize the lane I was in was merging with the lane on my right. When I realized I was about to hit the car next to me, I swerved and nearly hit the car in the lane on my left -_-; I didn't see either car. I was paying attention too... I think me driving on five hours or less of sleep is hazardous. Tonight, I pass out and get at least eight hours. Hopefully.

I'm actually pretty sleepy right now. Also hungry. Waiting for Shiva and Mai to come back from food shopping to make dinner <.< I need to eventually not depend on other people for my meals.

Ooh, can't wait for the hard ciders. And beers another night. Ooh, maybe I can buy a pack... Or not. There's not much space in the fridge. And I should spend money on things I need, not want >: Maybe when I have more spending money. An occasional six-pack wouldn't be harmful or wasteful...

Ah, let the weekend begin.

RIP Milton Lopez

I just found out another one of my best friends from my childhood passed away back in July 2012 ): He was 93 and diabetic; so I knew it would happen, but it still hurts a little. He was another friend that I had been meaning to see again after so many years. Another friend that I didn't get to talk to one last time.

For the past two years, Mother and I had been constantly reminding each other that we need to find his address and go visit him sometime. But today, she found out from a former neighbor of ours that Milton passed. That neighbor didn't even find out until recently as well.

I just feel really sad now. I've been wanting to talk to him again. There's not even a grave for me to visit because he was cremated.

I think I was still in high school the last time I saw him. And he still had both of his legs. Mother told me he lost his legs a few years ago because of the diabetes. She had visited him two or three years ago, and he had asked her to bring Brother and me with her the next time she came to visit. Except Mother lost his address, so we had to postpone the visit until we ran into a friend who would know his address. But we never ran into anyone who did.


Milton, you were a wonderful, loving person. Very thoughtful, very generous. I wish I could have gotten one more hug from you. Rest in peace, Milton. I love you, and I'll always remember and appreciate the things you did for my family.


I know people come and go for many different reasons, but it never gets easier to let people go. And it just makes me think that eventually we have to let go of everyone in our lives because everyone dies. I don't want to lose anyone. I just wanna grab hold and hang on.

Life goes on, and you go on with it.


Oh man, all the sadness and frustration ;-; I can't handle this.

2013 has begun.

So I welcomed 2013 with Shiva, Mai, Harrison, Chau, and Vivi. It was a good start to the year :) We missed the countdown by seven seconds. But hey, they had their champagne, and I got my juice box :D It was all good. Though, I have to add that Shiva was messing with me at some points in the night -w- Trying to embarrass me and all. Pssh. Rude! XP

I had started NYE with a late lunch/early dinner with my family and Karina. Brother dropped me off at SJSU around 7pm, and I walked around campus. Parked myself on a bench near the Event Center and reminisced. It's been so long since I've been on campus. And even longer since I've been there at night. It was nice. Cold but nice. I worked on a sudoku puzzle for like an hour haha. When I finished it, I looked up at the sky and watched something slowly move across the sky.

A cop drove by in his car and turned on one of his sirens. It startled me. I looked around to see if something was happening. But nothing was happening. The cop was looking at me. Then he drove away o_o I think he thought I was sleeping on the bench -_- I'm not a bum. Also, he made me lose sight of the thing I was watching -_-"

When I realized I couldn't feel my toes anymore, I walked around some more. I ended up sitting near Fourth and San Carlos. Some guy, who was walking by, asked me, "Where the weed at?" I just smiled my awkward smile and shook my head. He continued with "You dunno where the weed at?" and sighed, while walking away with his female companion, who just glanced at me and didn't say anything.

Eventually, Vivi met up with me on campus around 8:20, and we went to Christmas in the Park for a bit. Second to last day that it was open. No preachers shouting at passersby. Small crowd. It was a nice change from what I've experienced in past years. I liked soaking in the atmosphere, even though Christmas had passed. I think I'm trying to make up for all those years in childhood that I wanted to go to the park but never got to. So though I don't always pay attention to everything that Christmas in the Park has to offer, I greatly enjoy being there and just getting my fill of whatever holiday spirit I can find. And it's always nice to share this experience with someone else :)

So afterward, Vivi and I reparked her car in another parking garage because there wasn't an overnight option in the school parking garage -_- There used to be when I used to drive to school. I felt bad because Vivi had to pay twice as much to park for the night >: But what's done is done -.-

Then we went to Shiva's apartment, where everyone else had already assembled.

Mai poured me some champagne without asking me, and I told her I wasn't going to drink :P Not until the end of March. She was disappointed(?) haha. When I say I'm gonna do something (or not do it), I mean it (now, at least. I used to say I wouldn't drink but then end up drinking anyway).

I pointed out that I was breaking my tradition of celebrating NYE with people I haven't celebrated with before because Shiva and Harrison were there. But it was also pointed out that I had never celebrated with Vivi <.< Mai >.> or Chau <.< So I guess my tradition is only half broken(?) haha >.> It doesn't really matter. I had fun; so like I said, it was all good.

We all snacked on cookies, some veggie nugget thing that I don't remember the name of, veggies with ranch, apples, cuties, and cheese and crackers.

Vivi attempted to stack some apples to make a snowman... err... Apple-man? Apple-and-cutie-man? Fruit-man? She succeeded haha. There are pictures. Then Chau attempted and succeeded at stacking on more. Again, there are pictures. Eventually, they all toppled though XP

There were plenty of photos taken last night. Silly and happy photos. Pictures of me hiding from the cameras. Pictures of Mai striking poses. Picture of Harrison planking on my arm. Picture of Harrison leaning his head on my arm while his butt was in the air. There is picture evidence of Vivi kicking me in the knee haha. But it was because Chau had been tickling her. I was just an innocent bystander... Bysitter? I was sitting next to Vivi when it happened.

We tried to do the countdown in Shiva's room on her computer, but technical difficulties made us miss it by seven seconds. But it was ok. We still clinked our drinks. Then we watched New Year's videos. First from NYC. Then from across the world. Made me remember I wanna share a New Year's kiss with someone special one of these years. I will. I'm determined :P Before I die, damn it.

After the year started, we spent the rest of the night just talking in Shiva's room, and there was more picture-taking. I think Mai slept through much of this part of the night haha. Chau gave Vivi a massage. Shiva gave Chau a massage. This led to a conversation about our friend Billy getting a massage from Shiva and moaning because it felt so good haha.

I was tired, and I wanted to plop into sleep. But the conversation was just so interesting XP Eventually, I became very awake but still tired.

Around 3am, Vivi and Chau left. Long goodbyes with relatively long hugs haha. Harrison crashed on living room floor, and I got the futon. (I'm going to have to get used to this futon.) I couldn't sleep. So I turned on my iPod and listened to Phillip Phillips :D His music helps me sleep -nodnod- Got a text from Vivi around 3:30am, letting me know she got home safely. Listened to Phillip Phillips some more. Passed out at some point.

Woke up at 8:40am. Tried to go back to sleep. I did a few times. But then I was just awake. Eventually, Harrison and I both got up, sat together on the futon, and just talked for a while. Cuddle buddy! :) Then at some point, Shiva came out to the living room and plopped on me. Mai left for a family engagement. Shiva, Harrison, and I talked and eventually walked to Flames. Good food. I couldn't finish though >:

Went back to the apartment and chilled. Shiva was packing for India. She's gonna be there for less than a month O: !! And I might move into her apartment while she's gone. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, our morning/afternoon was fun. Interesting conversations and observations about people <.< I dunno what I'm supposed to do with this information. I dunnoooo. My braaaiin... It wishes it were better at interpreting people's behavior and situations -sigh- Oh well.

Ok, yeah, that's pretty much all the fun stuff of the last 26ish hours of my life. Spent time with some friends who are special to me. Got to enjoy being in their presence. It felt great!


Now, onward with 2013!

The heaviness won't leave.

Chau's End-of-the-World/Christmas get-together happened last night. That was fun. I ended up driving Harrison and Vivi there.

Shiva, Mai, Jen, Karishma, Ash, and Don were also there.

The events of the night included decorating stockings, Toy Story 1 through 3, Mai attempting to prevent Shiva from watching Toy Story 3 because Shiva didn't remember the second movie, alcohol consumption, White Elephant, Cards Against Humanity, YouTube karaoke, broken glass, panoramic group photos, and generally silly behavior.

While the night overall was fun, I was in an off mood. A really off mood. A part of me feels like I really shouldn't have gone because I wasn't being very involved in anything. Another part of me is glad that I got out of the house because of the family stuff. But really, I probably should have spent more time alone. Outside but alone.

Being around my friends, while comforting, was a little difficult because I didn't want to talk to anyone. But I was, I did, and I tried to engage myself in a few activities. I managed to get lost in the fun for parts of the night. But once I simmered down, I could barely smile at times.

I focused on the movies instead because I think movies have always been able to distract me. Besides, the Toy Story series is awesome. Movies that taught me to talk to my toys when I was a child. I learned to apologize to my toys when I dropped them or hadn't played with them in a while haha. I was very nice to my toys. Oh, memories.

I wasn't letting myself have a completely good time though. I wasn't letting myself get excited about anything. I think if I did, I might have started crying at some point. I also partly felt guilty because I had left my house during an important family discussion. "Maybe I should have stuck around and participated in the discussion." Really, it was part discussion, part yelling fest. I tried to add my voice in, but I don't think anyone but D listened to me.

When I got the call from Harrison asking if I could drive, I jumped at the chance to leave immediately. I probably should have stayed. But how would I have been heard? Besides, Brother seems to have a plan. A plan to try to get the smallest possible sentence for his third DUI. Not a plan to change and improve his life. A plan to impress the judge when he goes to court. Not a plan to learn how to understand the consequences of his decisions and actions. A plan to pay his DUI lawyer. Not a plan to protect his future or his own damn life.

Yeah, this kept reverberating through my head throughout the night, and I couldn't do anything to make it go away. I should have been alone.

But my friends are amazing people. Harrison and Shiva knew what's been going on. So they were comforting me here and there. Harrison had some of his own things to work through, so we were literally leaning on each other or holding each other's hand at times. It was reassuring.

I realize I never eat much if anything when I'm feeling down. For the past 25 hours, I've had a cherry tomato, a poptart (this afternoon), and two chocolate chip cookies (also this afternoon). I felt the hunger, but I couldn't make myself eat. Blah. I need to learn to take care of myself better.

I need to get all this heaviness out. But I can't. I haven't been able to. Shiva and I talked about stuff this morning. And I cried a bit, and she held me, which I so very much needed. But I couldn't let it all out. I just can't right now. But I know I need to. I just need to get to a point where I can. I dunno how. Maybe it will just happen. Unexpectedly /:

And Harrison, I know you're reading this. I hope you're doing better. I know you want to be there for me, and I'm trying to open up. But it's very difficult. So please don't think that I don't love you or that I don't want you around if I can't confide in you, cry in front of you, or ask you for help or anything. I'm still learning. Just ask Shiva.

Really, that previous paragraph is addressed to any friend who's reading this. If you're reading this blog, especially through a link that I've personally given to you (y'all know who you are), you should know that the level of trust and comfort that I have with you is deep. I might not know how to show it, but I know I feel it. And I hope you feel it too. I might not always act like we're really close, but we are. If you're someone that I actually know in person and I'm letting you read the thoughts that I can articulate, then damn we're close. I hope you all know that. I hope you know that I love you, even if I don't say it :) I want you to feel the love that radiates from me to you. Can you feel it? If you don't, I'm gonna have to fix that.


Oh, I have a decorated stocking :) haha. I didn't decorate one because I didn't feel like it. Not in the festive mood currently, you know. And some people just thought I was strange for not wanting a stocking because I couldn't really explain why to anyone. But some friends thought I should have one anyway. I know Harrison started it and put my name on it. Vivi added her penguin. Shiva added Chubby Kitty XP And "Chau was [t]here" haha. I don't know who stuck on all the styrofoam presents, snowflakes, gingerbread man, or the bell. But I nearly laughed when I saw this stocking that mysteriously had my name on it haha. Awesome friends, I tell you. Even when I wasn't adding any fun to the party, my friends still included me somehow anyway. It felt nice.


Sorry, my thoughts are all over. That seemed kinda random and out of place haha. Well, now I'm feeling better thinking about my friends and my love for my friends. Ah, I'm feeling so much better now. Maybe the end of 2012 won't be so bad. Maybe I just need new perspectives.


Hmm, I think the surprise stocking may have been one of the biggest highlights of my night. You know, aside from being with friends in general. I should have hugged my friends more. I can't stop smiling about the stocking. I'm gonna keep it with me for the rest of my life! :D It's one of those personalized gifts that I can't get rid of.

Thank you, friends. While my increasing happiness may be a day late, I'm grateful that you made my weekend better. A nice, simple gesture that has had a resounding effect on me. I love you all so much. And no, I'm not drunk. That is not the reason I'm suddenly all happy and loving in this blog post. This stocking just really means a lot to me. Who would have thought this stocking was going to have such an impact on me?


The heaviness is slowly leaving...

Surprise!

So yesterday, Vivi came over to my house to hang out for a while before dinner with Brother and Karina--his girlfriend. We were amusing ourselves with YouTube and Sporcle (yay, new website to waste time on haha).

We went to dinner at San Pedro Square. We walked through to the bar.

Suddenly, a group of moustached thirteen friends started singing happy birthday to me from behind O.O I was in shock. I know I was. I kept saying it for the first two hours.

It turned out that Brother and Shiva were in cahoots in planning a surprise birthday dinner for me. I've never had a surprise birthday thing before...

It was simply amazing :)

Must name all the thirteen people who showed up before I forget: Shiva, Mai, Ariane, Ariane's boyfriend Felix (he has the same birthday as me :D), Autumn, Harrison, Brian L, Lisa, Albert, Christine, Jen, Chau, and Jonathan G.

I have some awesome friends haha. I'm still surprised that Vivi didn't let anything slip though XP

So totally unexpected. Biggest birthday celebration I've ever had. Overwhelming, but so fun.

I dunno what to say other than I was just really happy to see some of my closest friends for my birthday :) There were people from like four different groups of my friends. Two groups from high school and two from college. And they all seemed to get along :D Awesome.

I know I normally recount every detail I can muster about events, but I think I'll remember this night pretty well. Even if I was (exaggeratedly) inebriated. Only four drinks. A Long Beach, a Tokyo Tea, and two Strawberry Blasts from Flames (we relocated from SPS).

Ooh, I know I liked the cake. Forgot what's in it already... but it was good cake. From Aki's Bakery :D

Got gifts from Lisa, Christine, and Albert. Oh, they know me so well. Catered to my inner puzzle geek and sleepy kitten sides. Two Sudoku books, one of those brain teaser blocks things, food bowls, and a pillow XD

There was also a card signed by the thirteen surprise guests :P

Ahh, I know I also kept saying that I didn't know I had this many friends. I really felt like I didn't haha. That's probably what contributed to the overwhelmed feeling.


Last night is making me think about my previous two blog entries... or rethink. I dunno.

I'm on cloud nine today. Hope the feeling lasts.

Supposed to go to Target with Shiva later today and then to the movies for Wreck-It Ralph with her, Brian, and maybe Harrison (not sure if he understood that I invited him).


I dunno how to end this entry... I'm just really happy and grateful for the friends I have :)

Losing touch with friends

A continuation of yesterday's entry. Kinda.

I think I'm content with my friendships. They can stay strong. They can ebb and flow. They can fade out. They can die. They can resurrect themselves.

But I guess I still wonder whether it's my fault friendships don't stay strong because I don't try to keep in touch. I don't try to get the conversations going.

I've lost touch with so many people over the years because I stopped trying to talk to them. I don't try. I don't try to talk to Shiva. I don't try to talk to Harrison, Matt, Ariane, Autumn, Maggie, or anybody I've ever considered to be a close friend. Would I lose these friendships if I don't ever start the conversation once in a while? Would they get tired of always having to be the ones to get me to talk?

I should ask my friends how they feel about their friendships with me instead of wondering.

Facebook made it so easy to "keep in touch." All I had to do was send a friend request and wish them a happy birthday once a year. That was keeping in touch...

Did I really need to keep in touch with all those Facebook friends? Why? Why did I need to prevent the eventual fading out of friendships with people whom I barely spoke to in real life? Maybe I should lose touch with people. The ones who want to stay will stay. Those who don't won't. Yes?

I guess the question is... Do I want to stay? Is my lack of making contact an indication that I don't want to stay? Or that I don't care to stay?

I'm afraid I don't know myself all that well. But I guess the self-questioning is good, yeah? A part of the self improvement thing I'm going for? I suppose I need a little help figuring myself out. I feel like I'm either too easy or too hard on myself to really understand the person that I am and to become the person I can be proud of. The kind of friend I am to people makes me wonder how good of a person I can be...

I'm terrible at keeping in touch.

Or maybe I just don't care to try harder.

I've recently been preoccupied by how well I stay in touch with people. Or rather how I don't keep in touch.

I finally deactivated my Facebook account on Monday. I logged in to check some info about Brother's birthday dinner. Then I decided to once and for all deactivate the account. I thought about deleting it completely, but I have memories on there that I would first like to save to a hard drive before I delete. But that might be a while or never. In any case, my account is deactivated. I don't think most friends noticed. That just attests to how much I talked to people on Facebook anyway. And the only people I ever really talked to on Facebook were people I already spoke to in person frequently.

So now that I'm no longer on Facebook and I've graduated from SJSU, I've been more reclusive than I used to be during vacations. Or I've been wanting to be more reclusive. Throughout October, I just wanted to be alone, except I went out to be surrounded by people just about every weekend. For important people's birthdays.

I'm hoping this mood I'm in will go away soon. Irritability is also accompanying this mood because while I wish to be alone, I'm never alone for long enough. Someone always has to interrupt my solitude before I'm ready. Why can't I just be alone when I want to be?

Anyway, I'm forgetting where this is supposed to go... Oh yeah, I'm horrible at keeping in touch. I've realized I rarely ever contact other people. Thus, I rarely talk to my friends. Shiva and I go days without talking before she eventually calls or texts me. Most of my friends and I go weeks or months without saying a word to each other. Seriously, I think they are always the ones contacting me, if they do at all. Even when Shiva and I were dating, or when I was pursuing her, I didn't call or text her first. It was her starting these conversations 95% of the time.

I'm accepting that that's just how I am and really how I've always been. When I used to start conversations with people, I felt like I had to force myself sometimes. I'm not forcing myself anymore. I hope none of my friends take it personally, if they've noticed. It's not that they're not special or important enough for me to keep in touch with them. I just don't naturally do that. We'll talk when we talk.

Is it strange that I'm ok with this? Is it bad? Or am I really just being lazy and unappreciative of my friends?

I dunno. I feel like I appreciate my friends. When we do talk. When we make time for each other. When I remember our shared experiences. I just don't feel like calling anyone. Or texting them. I never do. I think I feel guilty but not. I dunno how to explain it... I guess this kinda makes me feel abnormal. Never really trying to contact my friends. Never really starting the conversation.

Blah. My thoughts are going on to a related topic, but I don't want to talk about that one here. So I think I'm done with this topic for now.


Something completely unrelated:
Last night was Halloween. We hadn't handed out candy pretty much since I was in high school. Mother didn't want to hand out candy this year either. She was afraid someone would use the holiday to rob us. But I felt bad for the little kiddies. So the idea was to leave a bowl of candy outside the door and leave it be. Except when the first three or four trick-or-treaters came, Mother kept opening the door to greet them because they sounded adorable. I pointed out that it defeated the purpose of leaving the candy out. So I told her to either take the bowl in and just hand it out as the kids came or stop opening the door. She got mad at me for pointing out the not-very-smart nature of her actions.

Every year when Halloween comes around, she's always talking about how someone could use kids as decoys for us to open the door and the adults could rush in once the door's open. The bowl was there to prevent such an occurrence. She was basically "putting herself in danger" last night. Why did I get in trouble for trying to "save her"? -_- So annoyed.

Oh well. At least I enjoyed Halloween with a Scream marathon. I realized I had only watched the first and third installment before yesterday. But going through all four movies was fun. I was so close to getting through all four movies without jumping -w-" Jumped twice during the fourth movie. Rawr. So close. Anyway, yay for meta comedy horror!


Ooh, btw, I celebrated Brother's birthday with his friends for the first time on Monday. We went to Grill 'Em Steakhouse. It was interesting to watch him get drunker as the night went on. I met his friends, but I didn't really talk to any of them. I was being the oddball, quiet younger sister. It was awkward. I really didn't try to talk to anyone. Maybe I should have tried. Oh well. What's done is done.

At least Brother was happy I was there :) So the awkwardness was worth it, I guess haha.


Anyway, two months until 2013 starts. 2012 has flown by so quickly. I still remember the events of this year so well. It's been a life-changing year. Well, just like any other, but more so in certain aspects of my life. More dancing. More awareness. More positive feelings and mindset. More getting-to-a-good-place. But also more irritability. More drama. More loss.

I wonder what 2013 will bring. Probably more of the same haha.

I want to be a good friend.

I always offer my time and my shoulders to my friends. I always want to be there for them.

Some friends take what is offered. Some don't. Some take and don't even acknowledge it. Some pretend to acknowledge but overlook the good that is offered.

I suppose I can't be a good friend to everyone. Is it wrong that I do not wish to be there for and support someone who seems to overlook my friendship? I feel like I should be the "bigger" person and just be there, even though it tears at me that I'm there but they don't see it that way. They feel "forever alone." I was there. But now I don't really want to be. But I still am.

And it just hurts to be there and to feel like I can't make any difference in their life. Because I know I can't. I can only say what's on my mind. I can't change someone else's life. So I've learned to just listen, to be present, and to offer what I can offer. Still, it feels like what I do doesn't do anything. They won't take the steps to change, and I haven't been able to convince them. They're content in their misery. They're content to wallow. No matter how many words of encouragement I try to give, they won't try to help themselves. They just stay in the rut that they've made a home of.

I know what it's like to be in a place like that. I was there for the longest time. Sometimes, I feel tempted to go back. But I have friends and myself to keep me up and keep me from going back to that. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm trying to change the way I think and live. My friends have been able to make similar changes in their own lives. Their presence in my life is part of my motivation for my self-improvement.

Anyone who reminds me of where I used to be... I can empathize. That's why I do want to be there for them. I just don't think I have the patience to continue to stick around and feel useless in helping them get through tough times. I'm tired of walking on eggshells when what I have to say is something that they already know but don't want to hear.

This is how I see this friend... That's why I don't think I could be a good friend to them.

I dunno. I feel petty for thinking like this.

-sigh- Taking things in stride. Or trying to. I don't know how I'm doing.


In random news, I'm getting new glasses soon. Or rather just new (transition) lenses but in Shiva's old frames, which are new to me :P Yay, Costco. Saving money where I can. Except I don't think I saved that much -_- But yeah, should be getting them next week or the week after. Hopefully next week :)
 

More random news, my mom and I recently figured out that we used to know Vivi's aunt when I was a child. What a small world... Life is so full of possibilities, but we receive and take few chances. Or so it seems. Maybe we just miss the chances we wish we could have somehow seen first. A missed reconnection for Vivi's aunt and my mom. So close, yet so far...

But next week, we'll reconnect with her when we visit her at Oak Hill with flowers and apples. Buddhist ritual? I guess so.


I've noticed something about this year. I've had a lot of friends call me while crying. I mean I know it's not unusual to get those calls, but I feel like there have been so many (for me) in the past eight months. I just couldn't help but notice. A part of me feels good that my friends feel like they can turn to me in moments of such sadness and pain. But another part of me feels sad that my friends go through so much at all.

I wish I could be as strong as them. To have the strength to trust someone else during a time of vulnerability. I confide in my friends but only when the opportunity is presented or offered. I've never called a friend, not even Shiva, in any of my dark moments. I've never sought a friend when I knew I needed one. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to seek out a good friend when I need one most.

What do you think that says about me?