I just had the longest, deepest conversation with Tony. I was not ready. I definitely did not expect to cry. He's upset I don't spend more time with family. I feel guilty because I've been thinking the same thing for a while.

Bright side: My brother and I are finally trying to connect on a deeper level. He's never revealed so much to me before. All in one phone conversation.

I really do hope we get to know each other better. It's what I had wanted for so long, but I gave up on it.

Ugh, life, why do you have to do this to me now?

Family Health

For the past couple of months, my family has been dealing with some health scares.

Mother's cancer may have progressed. It's been a decade. She's got a growth near the site of her mastectomy. Apparently, it's been there for a couple of years, but she never mentioned it. And no health professionals noticed because, honestly, who would think that breast cancer would show up where there's no breast? Mother finally went to the doctor's. She's been seeing various doctors. They're unsure if it's cancer or if it's just a benign growth.

The course of action appears to be chemo for eight months, surgery, and then radiation for who knows how long. She'll hear about a more definite timeline tomorrow. I think Brother is going with her.

As for Brother, he went to the ER two months ago for a sudden, persistent pain in his left eye, which worsened whenever he moved his eye. Extremely blurry vision. Inability to see distinguish the color red. Doctors determined it to be optic neuritis. They gave him steroids to help ease the pain and improve his vision. They said the vision problems and pain may come and go in the future. In trying to pinpoint the cause, they tested him for MS. Tests came back negative. They still don't know what caused it. The pain lessened, and his vision got better. They let him go home after a couple of days.

About two weeks ago, Brother went back to the emergency room for severe headaches that lasted a few weeks. He had viral meningitis. Doctors kept him in the hospital for just less than a week. Tests. Brother was irritated because that meant he couldn't work. Family had to remind him that the doctors were doing their best and he couldn't work for long if his infection prevented him from doing so anyway.

Doctors treated the meningitis. Luckily, it was determined to be not contagious. Brother still has to go back to the hospital for more tests. Doctors are still uncertain as to what caused the infection since Brother does not travel and he didn't do any of the things that the doctors said could cause viral meningitis.

Today, Brother said, even though it might not be MS, it might still be some other autoimmune disease. I know very little about autoimmune diseases, but I've heard they're not really curable but can be manageable.

So yeah, that's how part of my family is doing now.

I mentally checked out when all this happened at once. On autopilot around my family. I feel guilty about that, but I don't know what to do. I haven't been around. I don't want to think about it. But today, I checked myself back in. I've been selfish. I still want to be selfish, but I also want to support my family. So I'm trying. Matt told me I was having a fight-or-flight reaction; I immediately chose flight. I'm making myself choose the other option now.

We will deal with everything as it comes. Who knows? Maybe it won't end up too badly.

I need to try to keep myself in the real world. I have to try to not tune it out. Family stress added to work stress. I've been feeling like I can't handle anything. It's been terrifying. I felt like giving up. On what? I don't know. I just wanted to give up.

I feel better today. Finally. I just spent most of the day by myself. It was great. I'm not at 100%, but I'm much better than I was yesterday and better than how I've been the past month or so. I'm still getting a little anxious and nervous at times when I start thinking too much. But then I just try to remember that I need to take everything one step at a time and one day at a time. I need to be strong for my family. I need to be there for them.

I also need to learn how to ask for help. I thought I did. But I'm always backtracking because I don't want to bother people with my problems that aren't really my problems. I need to learn how to stop worrying and fretting so much.

Happier news: Miah is crawling and standing herself up now. She laughs and shouts more. She also only likes me sometimes :P I think I give off too much heat. She really doesn't like to be hot. Also, I haven't been around much. But I think she recognizes me when she does see me. She's also just more attached to everyone else in my family.

I should try to be around more often.

Welcome to life, Miah!

Brother and Karina had their baby girl today :D I was at work, waiting for the text from Brother. 6.4 pounds and 18.5 inches. He tried to send me a picture, but my phone doesn't receive anything other than phone calls and text messages. So instead, I got texts from Shiva and Harrison congratulating me. They saw Miah before I could see her -w- But it's ok. They're family too, so they can see.

I had to wait until lunch to go on Facebook. I was super excited. Couldn't sit still. Couldn't stand still. Was dancing and bouncing around my desk. My coworkers laughed XP I'm sure I was very entertaining. It's rare to see me so excited and all over the place. Man, time was not going by fast enough.

But when lunchtime came, I went straight to the computers and checked Facebook. I saw Miah's photo, and I was just so happy. I don't even know what else to say. I was just happy. She looks sooo adoooorable. Definitely got Brother's lips.

I spent the rest of the work day anxious to leave for the hospital.

After work, I drove to the hospital. Somehow found the right room. Held Miah for probably an hour. First time I had ever seen a newborn and first time I ever held a baby. Special moment. Words cannot express how I felt. She's so beautiful. And sleepy. (Brother and Karina were both sleepy.) She slept the whole time I was there. Dreaming, I'm sure. She made so many different facial expressions. I mimicked them while I held her. I don't know why. It's just what I do. I didn't get to see her eyes. I'm hoping she'll be awake tomorrow, so I can look at those beautiful eyes of hers. I hope she likes me haha.


I know I would usually type up some long entry about this. But my brain is overloaded on happy. And I'm exhausted. Need more rest.

All I can say is I am happy Miah is healthy. I can only hope she'll grow up strong, healthy, and happy. Dang, I did the math... When she's 18, I'll be 41. Oh my, I can't even imagine where we'll all be then. Here's hoping to a lifetime of fond memories.

Future Parenting Goal.

Last night, I drove to Berkeley for Kat's housewarming :D That was fun. First time I ever drove to Berkeley. I thought I got lost in Berkeley and turned my car around to check to see if I missed a turn. Turns out I had turned around about two blocks before the correct street I needed to turn on. Rawr -w- Well, now I know for future reference.

The party was fun. Mainly talked to friends from high school. Had a Peppermint Patty shot (put chocolate syrup in your mouth and add a shot of Peppermint Schnapps), which I actually enjoyed. And I'm not a big fan of peppermint. I also brought my last Smirnoff Ice for myself haha, and I learned what "getting iced" meant. Next time, I'll bring a pack or two. I usually do, but last night I forgot XP My last drink of the night was Captain Morgan with Brisk as a chaser. Then it was time to sober up to drive home.

Witnessed a few drinking games of Soccer and Beer Pong. Team drinking games make me laugh and also scare me because, if your teammates let you down, you'll be at risk of downing tons of alcohol by the end of a game haha.

So Femi, Andrew, Felix, and I were arguing about parenting. I don't know how we got into this topic, but we did. I was not fully sober for this, so I think some of my logic did not make it through haha. Andrew said he would let his college-aged daughter have a guy sleep in her bedroom in his house because, if they're already doing it in the dorms, he doesn't feel like forbidding them changes anything. He doesn't want to be in denial about the fact that his daughter may be sexually active. The other two guys were adamantly against it. They would forbid it, saying that it was a matter of respect. If their daughter respected them, she wouldn't have a guy sleep in her room, even if she is an adult. If they allowed their daughter to have a guy in her room, that's just an open invitation for her to sleep around with any guy anywhere. (I personally think that it depends on the person. Not everyone thinks like that.)

The argument split into two different ones. Femi and Andrew had their own. Felix and I had ours, debating about parenting styles. Felix wants to be "controlling but not abusive"--his words, not mine--making his daughter live how he wants her to live and to follow his ideals because he wants her to have the best possible life, since she wouldn't really know what's best for herself. I understand that, but I don't think that's necessarily the best way to raise your kid.

I wish I had been sober enough to think through my whole argument haha...

I want to raise my kids to know how to think, not what to think, so that they know how to approach any situation they come into. Because I know what they think could be very different from what I think and also I won't always be around to tell them what to think. And I'm not going to say what they think is right or wrong because right and wrong isn't the way I want to look at things. While I wouldn't want my kids to sleep around or have sex with their significant others under my roof, I'm not gonna try to take away all their freedom to decide. This is what I want: My kids decide to do something because that's what they want and they have thought it through. They've made the best decision they could make in the situation. If I could raise my kids to do that, I'll generally be happy with the decisions they make, whether I agree. If they want to sleep around, despite me stating that I prefer they don't, that's their choice, their life, and their consequences. If the consequences turn out badly, I'm not going to hope they feel regret for the rest of their lives. I don't want to them to learn from shame; I want them to acknowledge that maybe their decisions weren't the best and learn from their mistakes.

Shaming is a whole other topic I could talk about. I think it's fine to a certain extent but not to the extent that Felix was talking about. Telling your kid "I'm disappointed in you" and then talking it out is fine. Telling your kid "You're a shame/disgrace to this family" and not giving them a chance to learn from it is not. I kept telling Felix that he needs to have some leeway with his kids because not every kid is gonna mess up their life. Every kid's different with different personalities and temperaments; you have to find the right balance of parenting. There's no one way to raise all kids.

Respect and trust play into how you raise your children. A lot of parents only think, "My child need to respect me and trust my judgment." They don't think, "I need to respect my child and trust their judgment," even after their kids prove they can make sound judgments. Felix even said he didn't want his kids to think he trusted them, so that they would always strive to gain his trust. But that could backfire so badly. If they felt like they could never gain his trust, they might stop trying and stop listening to him altogether. Where would they be then? I think we gotta treat everyone as their own person; we guide and shape our kids as best we can, but it gets to a point where they gotta shape themselves. They become adults at some point, not necessarily at age 18. They have to get to a point where they take responsibility for themselves. If we try to control them after that point, if they only ever do what we want them to do, when will we actually be able to hold them accountable for anything, especially themselves? I don't want my kids to be my pets learning the tricks I taught them. They should be their own people/individuals, hopefully with some of the values I try to instill but at least with values that they have thoughtfully chosen.

Anyway, the argument was pretty intense. I was super into it haha. Almost got emotional about it XP but that was because I was talking about my family and other friends' families as examples. You can be strict as hell or super lenient, but you could still end up with a fucked-up "good kid" or a "bad kid" who eventually turns his life around without your help. Even if there was a right way to raise children, every child reacts differently. Some kids straighten up after being grounded or being shamed; others rebel more or at least try to hide more from you. You need to adapt to your child; that's all I'm saying. You can't say that controlling your kid's life is the only way they'll turn out right. I will say though that I could be wrong and that more control of your kid's life might be more beneficial. You just gotta see how things come out after you do something. I'll raise my kids my way, other people raise their kids their ways, and we all hope we get something right.

Blah. Too much thinking for drinking last night haha. It probably still doesn't make sense. Haha this was not a big part of the night, though it did last at least an hour. It was just very... I dunno... It stuck in my mind for a while. I hope whomever I have kids with will share my perspective on parenting but also challenge it, so we can improve and give our kids the best possibilities. I am afraid that I say all this now but when I actually have kids, I will change my mind and become too controlling. I am a perfectionist on the inside; will I put that on my kids though? I don't know. We'll see.

Ok, done with this topic for now haha.


So I gave Femi a ride back to San Jose. We left Kat's place around 2:30 in the morning, though I had wanted to leave at 1. Just kept talking about random things, like Bubblegum Baby... ahahaha. Didn't actually start driving back to San Jose until about 3:20 because Femi, Alex D, and I were standing outside the apartment complex talking about cars and headphones :P

Overall a good night. Super tired by midnight though. Somehow stayed awake and drove home. The car ride home was full of stories about bad driving haha.

I passed out when I got home. Woke up after 10. Was supposed to do errands, but was too tired. So everything I was supposed to do today has been pushed back XP Awesome! Haha.

Is this the first time I've given up on something?

Tuesday night, I quit my job by email. Not how I wanted to quit. Well, I didn't want to quit. But I couldn't handle my stress; I actually ended up crying at work. I felt so pathetic. But I knew I wasn't going to be happy there, and I knew I would always be stressed if they didn't give me some training because I felt like I wasn't catching up where it was necessary. I made so many mistakes, and the only time I would know would be when they told me I did something wrong. They would tell me what was wrong and kinda tell me how to avoid making that mistake.

I was getting the what-to-do's of my job, but I wasn't necessarily understanding the how's. And definitely not the why's. And there really weren't many explanations for my job; it was less show, more tell. Because I didn't understand why I was doing certain things, I didn't always know when I should do them.

They held me responsible for things that I know I should be responsible for, but they had to understand I was still new to the job and I didn't know where everything was yet. Missing or misplaced hard drives and chassis. I didn't touch those particular parts; they had gone missing from Johnny's time in inventory. I know this because I did the physical inventory count on his last day and noted that those particular items were missing. But since he wasn't there anymore, I was responsible; they told me I had to find out what happened to the parts, but I didn't know how I was supposed to find out. If the people who have worked there for years don't know how to find out (and they had done my job before), how I am to know?

I need some guidance because I had zero experience.

The fact that inventory was only partly organized and all over the place made it difficult for me to track and find parts, especially the motherboards and chassis. Give me time to figure where everything is? Please stop moving the parts around without letting me know. But that happened, and I was held responsible when other people moved our parts without my knowledge. At least write it down on the note cards for me, or even just leave me a note on my desk. Why was I solely holding responsibility for the inventory when anyone else could go into inventory and take what they need? I couldn't always be in the inventory rooms. I had many places to be: my desk, main inventory room, second inventory room, third inventory room, Production (which was very large), back of warehouse, and front office.

Mainly I was just overwhelmed by how many responsibilities I had going in. Receiving, scanning, picking, counting, submitting RMAs, returning RMAs, updating information in the RMA software, emailing manufacturers about RMAs, adjusting sales order items, packaging, tracking things down. Because I was new to all of these responsibilities, I should have been eased into some of them. At the least, there should have been some thorough training and maybe a list of what my priorities should have been. I mean, after all, I was expecting to do assembly work because that's where my strongest skills lie; and there's not that much variety in assembly.

I wish I wasn't complaining about the company, but I just didn't fit in that work environment and the work environment didn't fit me. I would rather quit and use my time to find other work that suits me. So I'm hoping everything will work out. I know I could do the job I had, but only with proper training. Please explain to me why I'm doing something; so in the future, when I run into that reason, I know what to do next.

Blah. I felt so pathetic quitting the job, but I'm weaksauce when it comes to stress. Stressors from work and family built up too much. Can't quit family, so gotta quit the job. Haven't told my family. Hoping I won't have to.

I was offered a temp data entry job with Randstad, the same one from December. I just need to resubmit some forms that they'll email me. Hopefully, this job won't fall through this time. Yeah, still $10 an hour, but it's cool; I don't really drive around much. No overtime at Randstad either, I think; though, I don't think this last job paid me for overtime; either that, or they withheld a lot more of my pay than I expected. Anyway, Randstad job is in Mountain View, a mile and a half farther away from home than my old job in Fremont.

I really miss my job in Fremont. I miss my coworkers the most. They treated me like family; it was nice.

I've been applying to jobs on Craigslist and Snagajob nonstop. C'mon, data entry jobs, get back to me.

I just want a job with some training. Good on-the-job training that prepares me well. I mean, I know if I got a job where my mechanical skills came into use, training would be easier. If I get another office job, training might have to be a little more intensive and structured for me because of the multitasking that's involved.

I'm giving myself about two or so weeks to secure a job before I decide my family needs to know I don't have a job. This is so fun.


Oh yeah, Brother went to jail on Tuesday too. I didn't think it would affect me so much, but that thought affected me the whole day. I wasn't expecting it to have such an impact on me because I feel like it didn't really before. Maybe because I see the improvement he's made in his life and the fact that he's going to be a father to a little girl, I have hope that this will be the last time he seriously messes up.

Ah, I'm just a well of emotion this week.

I'm going to be an aunt!

Brother informed the family tonight that his girlfriend, Karina, is currently thirteen weeks pregnant. Imagine the surprise! Or rather the lack of. Family was much more supportive and encouraging than usual. It was interesting.

My initial reaction: Slight raise of the eyebrow. Slow curve of a smile. Tilt of the head. Body leaning to the side toward the wall. Cool. "Wow."

I always knew Brother would be a parent before I would. I mean, c'mon, he's got five years on me.

I'm excited. We're all excited. I'm going to be an aunt. Mother and D are going to be grandparents! :) Main thing is Brother is going to be a father!! I think he will be a great father. He is an idiot sometimes, and he's made his mistakes. But he's a good person, and he's learning. I just have this feeling that he'll be a wonderful dad. Doting and overprotective, but great. I told him as much. I also told him I love him. First time I've said that without it being  a response to him saying it to me first.

My first nephew/niece. I can't wait to meet him/her. Not due until the end of the year. Mother's going to babysit a lot. She's looking forward to it. I think it would do her some good to have a baby in her house. She won't be alone. And I'll get to watch her interact with a baby.

And I'll learn how to take care of a child. I want to learn. I'm still terrified of kids. Maybe this will ease my anxiety around kids.

Anyway, this news woke me up a little. I was exhausted and wanted to go home to sleep. Then this news came out, and I was just awake. It brightened the end of my week. (Work wasn't the best this week.)

Now, we play the waiting game with the baby. Who will win? o: I'll try to keep you posted.

Real adulthood is overwhelming me...

Before I even get to jump into it.

I couldn't sleep last night. My brain just kept thinking, even though my body was so tired.

The past two days, I've really only been thinking about how my future is going to affect me. Last night, I couldn't stop thinking about how my decisions are going to affect Mother.

I'm overwhelmed by the potential of my future. Even from the small things. The small plans. Overwhelmed but so excited. I'm happy.

But I worry about Mother. I have so many worries about her. I know I've wanted to be independent of her for a long time because she's overprotective and controlling. But I know she just wants everything to work out perfectly for me. But that's not the point. The point is I'm leaving Mother's home. She'll be alone after I move out. Will she become lonely? Will moving out have negative repercussions on her mental or emotional state? Will she be ok?

I was a mess last night. I haven't cried so hard since... well, a short while ago. I haven't talked to her about this yet. I think I want to. But I don't know how that conversation will go. What if she doesn't even think about it? Until I mention it.

I know my life could get really tough. And it scares me a little. But I know I could handle it. But thinking about Mother and how all this could affect her... scares the shit out of me. Terrifies me to no end.

I want everything to go smoothly for Mother's sake. If problems arise for me alone, that's fine. I'll figure it out, and I have friends who can help me. But if anything happens to Mother, I don't know what I would do.

Ahhh, my brain... So much clouding my brain.

I can't be a spendthrift.

It's not in my blood.

I wonder how much money my family would have saved over the years if Mother wasn't religious or superstitious. I think it would be well into the thousands. Add in all the money she has spent on clothes, accessories, and jewelry she didn't need. Plus other unnecessary, aesthetic-related things. We would have had tens of thousands to spend on food, rent, and maybe even a family vacation here and there.

I know I'm not innocent either. I've spent money on things I didn't need. Movies, concerts, dance clubs, expensive food, Anime Expo, mini trips to other cities in California, random knickknacks that I ended up giving/throwing away years later, books that I read once. Mainly food that I don't need to eat.

The difference between Mother and me is that I know I waste money on things I don't need, so I try to cut back. She won't acknowledge that she's spent so much money on unnecessary things because she wanted to have the perfect image. Instead of spending that money on things we needed like a car or insurance or bills. And she always blamed someone else for the debt. I mean, yeah, Brother has given us debt. But so has Mother. But she won't take responsibility. It's always "But I needed that." Who needs jewelry to live? Who needs expensive clothing or accessories that are only worn once or twice? Why spend money on things you don't want to use because you're afraid people will think you're rich and rob you?

I want to move out and make my own living. So I can spend my money the way I want to spend it. Just so I know and I can prove that I'm not like Mother and Brother. I'm not gonna be buying new toys and accessories every other week. I don't need that stuff. It's so much clutter =___= And that's just annoying.

If I had a say in what to keep or throw out of this house, we would probably have less than half the things we currently own. Alas, I don't; so all this clutter is just going to annoy me until I move out. All this clutter will continue to be a reminder of how wasteful of our money we are. We can't save anything. We used to save a lot. I don't know what happened.

So annoyed.

Winter cleaning?

Actually, it's more like six months of cleaning... Sooo summer-autumn-winter cleaning! I've been dusting, wiping down, and clearing stuff out of my room every few weeks since the summer.

I don't know what else to do. Aside from being on the job hunt, reading, and watching movies and shows, I haven't had much else to do at home. Every time I think about the stuff I own, my first thought is always "I have way too much stuff." Then I think of the clutter, and clutter bothers me >.< So I start going through my stuff and tossing them.

I've reduced my wardrobe a lot, but I also got new clothes for Christmas so XP Inane details ahead, so you can skip the rest of this paragraph: I used to have like 36 pairs of pants; now, I have nineteen, including five pairs of blue jeans. Shorts went from eight pairs to four pairs. I reduced the number of shirts I own from 60+ to just thirteen T-shirts, two polos, two long-sleeved shirts, two flannels, and nine button-ups. I'm planning to get rid of more of my graphic tees once I can buy more solid-colored shirts, especially polos. And I still have thirteen hoodies, jackets, and coats, which is fewer than the twenty I used to have. I'm still planning to get rid of some more clothes. Make it easier for myself to fit my clothes into one luggage thing. (What are they called? I never knew.)

I'm not too worried about moving my clothes though. I'm more wary of moving all my other stuff. I have to leave them with Mother. But I would much rather take them with me. However, I've been throwing out a lot of souvenirs. Especially yesterday. Trying to make space for few things in the fewest amount of boxes. Except I'm using small boxes. Like tiny ones.

It seems I don't have that much stuff anymore, which is good. Yay for less clutter! I've got my books in one box; random, small things in a shoebox, a Verizon box, and two cookie tins; and school stuff in an SJSU box. When I move, my clothes will be in one luggage, my hats and scarf will be in one of my cloth bags, my CDs will probably go in a small box, along with my yearbooks and photo albums.

Moving out is stuck on my mind. I'm a little anxious about it. Not because I'm moving out, but because I feel like I have so much to do to prepare for it (so that I don't mess up Mother's living situation) and I don't want to continue to be tied down to Mother. Except I know she's trying to keep me around. She's suggested that after I move out, eventually I should move back in with her >.> I don't have the nerve to tell her that I plan to move away from San Jose one day. But I did say I would never want to move back in. Once I'm out, I'm out for good.

I'm thinking about moving out so often... I don't want to forget anything. That's why I'm blogging about where I'm putting stuff. So I don't forget I already have a plan for how I'm going to transfer my stuff. If I have as few possessions as possible, I can just take it all with me when I move in with Shiva and Killol. Because right now, my plan is just to take my clothes, towel, blanket, netbook, and a few other necessities with me. If I can put all my stuff into a few small boxes or one medium-sized box, I can just take it all with me. When I move into my own room later, I'll take my bed, coat stand, a dresser, and maybe my desktop and desk. Maybe I'll sell my bed and get a twin-sized bed too. A full-size is so big for me >.>

Still have so much stuff I don't need. Also good exercise for letting things go. Still so hard to let go -sigh- I just want to keep things I need. Goal: Small and few. Minimalist lifestyle! It would be so much easier to do once Mother stops telling me what to do and telling me that I'm too cheap or I act too poor. I just want to live a simple life. I'm not a decorative or extravagant person on most days. I just need to let go!

Sorry, that last paragraph was random. But yeah, I'm gonna try to live the life I want to live. Butting heads with Mother will happen because she wants me to do all these things for her that I can't afford to do yet. Nor do I want to at this point in my life. I just wanna know what it's like to take care of myself first. She wants me to buy a house, so that our whole family can live together <.< That's just not what I want. One, I don't want to live with her again. Two, I don't want to live in or own a house. Three, she's trying to plan my life without my input. It's frustrating. She's making plans that I don't see myself being a part of. At the least, when I can afford to, I will help pay for her living space, food, clothes, and leisure. But she's making plans like she expects me to do it within the next year or two. I won't. I don't expect to be making enough money for all that for at least the next four or five years. Even when I get to that point, I don't know how extravagant I will be with my spending. If I still spend less on myself, then yeah I can spend more on her. But if I start spending on myself like how she spends on herself, I won't be able to take care of her the way she wants me to.

Also, at that point in my life, I might have a significant other. I don't know where my priorities will be then.

I just wish she'd let me figure out my life for myself. I have (ideas of) plans for how I want to live and how to save my money and everything, but she won't listen to me. If she keeps butting into my life and trying to change it so that it fits what she wants, I'm going to feel less and less inclined to share my plans (and savings) with her. She's just gotta let me do my thing and trust that I will learn how to take care of myself, come back, and take care of her when I can. Making me take care of her now when I don't even know how to care for myself is one of the worst things she can do. But, of course, she won't listen. So I'm going to have to figure out how to do what I want to do while still appeasing her.

Wish me luck XP

I haven't had insomnia in a while.

I felt so wired in bed. I think I got maybe two hours of sleep this morning. My brain wouldn't stop thinking and planning. Every time I stopped to try to go to sleep, the lull wouldn't last long. I think I managed to drift off a handful of times, but each time I would wake up thinking things over. I tried listening to music, but that didn't keep me asleep for long.

Then at probably 6 in the morning, one of my cousins in Vietnam called Mother's cell phone. And she was awake talking for an hour. I don't know what the conversation was about, but usually when we get a call from Vietnam, it's not good news. I'll have to ask Mother about it later when I'm less tired.

So what was I thinking about from 11pm to 8am, when I finally clocked out for longer bit? Just trying to plan everything for the beginning of 2013.

Yesterday, Mother, D, and I had a conversation about me starting work and moving out of Mother's house. Mother has Section 8 housing. I have to move out before or as soon as I start working. We have to notify Housing Authority of the change in household composition within 10 days. There are forms and verification of my leave to submit in those ten days. I also need to get a bank account, so my employer can pay me with direct deposit rather than a mailed paycheck. Because, apparently, if Mother receives my paychecks, that is immediate proof that I still live with her even when I've obviously moved out -_- But I can't get the bank account now because I still live with Mother and we would have to notify HA of my account. Then they'd possibly increase her rent.

So essentially, I just need to do all these things the day before I start working. Except I don't know when I start yet. And I'm not sure how many days' notice I'll get in the first place.

All simple tasks to do. Just so many. I'm sure I've forgotten a few already. I should write these things down. Mother is freaking out because she's afraid we won't follow procedure properly and she'll lose her Section 8 -_- I just sat there, thinking, "Maybe it's about time you do, since you keep panicking about it. I don't think it's healthy for you to stay on this program." Too bad I can't say it. I really think living with Section 8 stresses her way more than it should.

Anyway, other things plaguing my mind: strict budgeting and saving plan. Commute from downtown SJ to workplace is 16 miles. Round trip would cost me about a gallon and a half of gas. Roughly 7.5 gallons a work week. That's more than half my tank. 30ish dollars a work week. Need to consider weekend driving. For now, let's say 120 a month for gas. (My budget plan allows for 150 a month, so I'm good here.) I think for the first month or so after I move out, I'll limit my weekend driving to when I need to go somewhere. Otherwise, I'll bum a ride and chip in for gas :P

Initially, when I move out, I'm planning to live with Shiva and Killol for a while. Until I can save up enough money for ideally first two months' rent and security deposit for a room of my own. So I'm thinking maybe a thousand dollars. Preferably a room within ten miles of my workplace. That limits me to places in Mountain View, Sunnyvale, Santa Clara, Milpitas, and north and west San Jose. I looked on craigslist last night just to get a general idea of what I would want to look for when the time came. Ignoring all the ads for guys looking for female roommates with benefits, there seems to be a good amount of rooms for the price range I'm looking for. I don't ask for much. I just need a place to store my stuff, to sleep, and to shower.

Ah, so much stuff to think about. When I move somewhere closer to my workplace, I'll save on my average mileage and gas during the work week. But it also means that I'd have a longer drive to see my friends.

Mm, so since I'll make ten dollars an hour for forty hours a week, I'm assuming I'll make seven dollars an hour after taxes. (I'm not actually sure how much tax will be taken out yet, but I hopefully am overestimating the tax.) So I'll make 280 a week. I told Shiva I was willing to pay a week's worth of pay as my rent. That leaves 840 for the rest of the month. Take out the 150 for gas, and I'm left with 690. Ideally, I want to save 500 a month, so that I'll move out of Shiva and Killol's apartment sooner. That basically leaves me with 190 for spending money. Less than fifty dollars a week. I could live off of that if I spend wisely.

Mother offered to provide me with lunch, but that just wastes my gas. A gallon just to go to her place and back to mine. I think I'll stick to just visiting her on the weekend. Plus, I don't want her to think I can't live on my own without her. She doesn't think Brother can do it, since he comes home every few days and asks to borrow money and to have some things to use, like detergent and shampoo. I don't plan to do that. I plan to move out and rely on myself. I'll only ask Mother for help when I'm in a really tight spot. But even then, I might just turn to friends because I know they won't hold it over my head or against me.

Let's see. I still have about 300 dollars left from the summer. Will probably spend about forty of it this weekend. Leaves me with 260. Then we have a change jars. I'm planning to ask Mother if I can cash in the change and put the money toward my rent/savings. I'm hoping there's at least a hundred dollars in there.


I know, this is a lot of stuff that's not important to you. But I need to put it down somewhere, or else I might not be able to sleep tonight.


When I start work, I'll most likely be working from 5:45am to 2:15pm every day. Yay, morning! I'm so excited. This means I'll probably get up at 4 or 4:30 in the morning and leave by 5. It also means I'd get home around 3. Exercise, eat, shower by 4:30pm. Maybe visit some friends at SJSU. Bed by 9:30pm. Start the cycle over. Yay, routine! I can't wait to start this routine. It will be a nice change from the past six or seven months.


Yes, I know, I know. I can't help it. When great change is imminent, I start to overthink. I start having ideas about what I want to do to be prepared. I like being prepared. Mother keeps trying to butt into my plans, so I'm not making plans. I just have ideas of plans. I hope they come to fruition. I hope everything works out.

Good song (or at least the chorus) that perfectly fits my mood right now: "Tell Me A Story" by Phillip Phillips :)


I feel so jittery, and I've had no stimulants. Not enough sleep. Still thinking too much. Need to stop. I've probably forgotten half the things I thought of last night. Consequences of insomniaaa!

Ok. I should go. But I'm excited! I'm surprised I was able to do math in my head last night/this morning. Yeah. Ok, going now.

The heaviness won't leave.

Chau's End-of-the-World/Christmas get-together happened last night. That was fun. I ended up driving Harrison and Vivi there.

Shiva, Mai, Jen, Karishma, Ash, and Don were also there.

The events of the night included decorating stockings, Toy Story 1 through 3, Mai attempting to prevent Shiva from watching Toy Story 3 because Shiva didn't remember the second movie, alcohol consumption, White Elephant, Cards Against Humanity, YouTube karaoke, broken glass, panoramic group photos, and generally silly behavior.

While the night overall was fun, I was in an off mood. A really off mood. A part of me feels like I really shouldn't have gone because I wasn't being very involved in anything. Another part of me is glad that I got out of the house because of the family stuff. But really, I probably should have spent more time alone. Outside but alone.

Being around my friends, while comforting, was a little difficult because I didn't want to talk to anyone. But I was, I did, and I tried to engage myself in a few activities. I managed to get lost in the fun for parts of the night. But once I simmered down, I could barely smile at times.

I focused on the movies instead because I think movies have always been able to distract me. Besides, the Toy Story series is awesome. Movies that taught me to talk to my toys when I was a child. I learned to apologize to my toys when I dropped them or hadn't played with them in a while haha. I was very nice to my toys. Oh, memories.

I wasn't letting myself have a completely good time though. I wasn't letting myself get excited about anything. I think if I did, I might have started crying at some point. I also partly felt guilty because I had left my house during an important family discussion. "Maybe I should have stuck around and participated in the discussion." Really, it was part discussion, part yelling fest. I tried to add my voice in, but I don't think anyone but D listened to me.

When I got the call from Harrison asking if I could drive, I jumped at the chance to leave immediately. I probably should have stayed. But how would I have been heard? Besides, Brother seems to have a plan. A plan to try to get the smallest possible sentence for his third DUI. Not a plan to change and improve his life. A plan to impress the judge when he goes to court. Not a plan to learn how to understand the consequences of his decisions and actions. A plan to pay his DUI lawyer. Not a plan to protect his future or his own damn life.

Yeah, this kept reverberating through my head throughout the night, and I couldn't do anything to make it go away. I should have been alone.

But my friends are amazing people. Harrison and Shiva knew what's been going on. So they were comforting me here and there. Harrison had some of his own things to work through, so we were literally leaning on each other or holding each other's hand at times. It was reassuring.

I realize I never eat much if anything when I'm feeling down. For the past 25 hours, I've had a cherry tomato, a poptart (this afternoon), and two chocolate chip cookies (also this afternoon). I felt the hunger, but I couldn't make myself eat. Blah. I need to learn to take care of myself better.

I need to get all this heaviness out. But I can't. I haven't been able to. Shiva and I talked about stuff this morning. And I cried a bit, and she held me, which I so very much needed. But I couldn't let it all out. I just can't right now. But I know I need to. I just need to get to a point where I can. I dunno how. Maybe it will just happen. Unexpectedly /:

And Harrison, I know you're reading this. I hope you're doing better. I know you want to be there for me, and I'm trying to open up. But it's very difficult. So please don't think that I don't love you or that I don't want you around if I can't confide in you, cry in front of you, or ask you for help or anything. I'm still learning. Just ask Shiva.

Really, that previous paragraph is addressed to any friend who's reading this. If you're reading this blog, especially through a link that I've personally given to you (y'all know who you are), you should know that the level of trust and comfort that I have with you is deep. I might not know how to show it, but I know I feel it. And I hope you feel it too. I might not always act like we're really close, but we are. If you're someone that I actually know in person and I'm letting you read the thoughts that I can articulate, then damn we're close. I hope you all know that. I hope you know that I love you, even if I don't say it :) I want you to feel the love that radiates from me to you. Can you feel it? If you don't, I'm gonna have to fix that.


Oh, I have a decorated stocking :) haha. I didn't decorate one because I didn't feel like it. Not in the festive mood currently, you know. And some people just thought I was strange for not wanting a stocking because I couldn't really explain why to anyone. But some friends thought I should have one anyway. I know Harrison started it and put my name on it. Vivi added her penguin. Shiva added Chubby Kitty XP And "Chau was [t]here" haha. I don't know who stuck on all the styrofoam presents, snowflakes, gingerbread man, or the bell. But I nearly laughed when I saw this stocking that mysteriously had my name on it haha. Awesome friends, I tell you. Even when I wasn't adding any fun to the party, my friends still included me somehow anyway. It felt nice.


Sorry, my thoughts are all over. That seemed kinda random and out of place haha. Well, now I'm feeling better thinking about my friends and my love for my friends. Ah, I'm feeling so much better now. Maybe the end of 2012 won't be so bad. Maybe I just need new perspectives.


Hmm, I think the surprise stocking may have been one of the biggest highlights of my night. You know, aside from being with friends in general. I should have hugged my friends more. I can't stop smiling about the stocking. I'm gonna keep it with me for the rest of my life! :D It's one of those personalized gifts that I can't get rid of.

Thank you, friends. While my increasing happiness may be a day late, I'm grateful that you made my weekend better. A nice, simple gesture that has had a resounding effect on me. I love you all so much. And no, I'm not drunk. That is not the reason I'm suddenly all happy and loving in this blog post. This stocking just really means a lot to me. Who would have thought this stocking was going to have such an impact on me?


The heaviness is slowly leaving...

Just keep it together.

I feel like if anyone touches me, I'm going to fall apart.


Later, Mother is going to take me to see a Buddhist monk or something. The monk told her that 2013 will be a bad year for me unless he blesses me. Someone's going to steal my car. Or rather, someone will dupe me into giving them my car.

So Mother is gonna take me to a temple. So we'll have good luck.

Normally, I wouldn't care. But right now, I'm fairly confident I will find a job soon. It's gonna be all on me. Except when I do get a job, Mother is going to believe it was because of her and her virtue that I get a job. I'm not going to get any credit for it. But I know it will have been from my effort. 100%. Mother just won't recognize it. She won't see that I try. She'll continue to believe that I don't do anything for myself.

Is it stupid that I'm upset about this?

She thinks all the good things that happen to our family is because of her virtue. All the bad things come from everyone else's vices.

I'm not upset. I'm angry.

She thinks prayers and blessings will help or save Brother. He's going to jail. His third DUI, caught speeding, while on probation. There's no getting around that. Why would any judge be lenient on him? I wouldn't. The only reason the last judge was lenient on Brother was because Mother had been in the courtroom bawling and the prosecutor took pity on her.

If prayers and blessings don't do shit, it's not Mother's fault. It's ours. If something bad happens next year, it's automatically due to the inherently wrong things within us, not her. Or we just didn't pray enough. Or we didn't listen to her and do as she said. We didn't care enough.

If we don't care, why does she have to care? I never said she had to care. Where did she get that idea? If she wants to stop caring, go ahead. Do it. I'm not the boss of her. If she wants to stop caring, who am I to stop her? But I know she can't help but care. So why is it our fault that she cares too much? Why does she have to complain that she has to care about us much?


Rawr. I just want to do things on my own. With the help of those who will help me when I ask for it. I don't ask for more than that. She throws her "help" into it and acts like it's the only help that will do anything for me. Even more than what I can do for myself.

She's so used to taking care of Brother and helping him out of his problems that she thinks I'm exactly like him. I am fucking sick and tired of her acting like and believing I am exactly like him. I am not my brother. What have I done that proves I'm just like him? Nothing! So why can't she see that?

She doesn't want to treat me any differently than she wants to treat him. What she does with me is what she wishes she could do with Brother. Lock him up in his room, yell at him for every minor problem, yell at him for everything that doesn't matter, control his movements, control his behavior, give him approval before he does anything.


Gahh! What kind of holiday spirits are we in? This feels like the worst spirit I've been in at this time of year.


I need to keep it together. But I feel like I'm going to snap. Or break down. I just want to break down. But I'm going to keep it together. That might mean I can't see anyone for a little while. Or maybe I should. Just to get away.

Please, just get through today. Tomorrow, I can try to get away.

I need distractions.

I need a job.

So I couldn't sleep until 1am this morning. Too much thinking. Just so much thought on finding work and moving out. I will move out on my own before next summer. I need to get out.

I've told Mother. I've told D. They know I need to move out. D supports me moving out when I'm ready. (I'm so mentally ready. Just need to be financially ready.) Mother is having second thoughts and doesn't want me to move out, except she does want me to move out. I'm getting mixed signals.

Mother has no confidence in me. She's completely afraid that I will get a job and lose it after two weeks. Who does she think I am? Brother? I am not Brother. I won't drink and drive. I won't screw my life up just so I can party, drink, and waste my money.

Mother is afraid once I lose my job, I'll be out on the street, since I wouldn't be able to move back in with her. Even if I was out on the street, I wouldn't move back in with her if I had the option. She's also afraid that when I move out, even if I'm successful, something bad will happen.

She's also worried about the immediate consequences of me moving out. Her Section 8 status will only include one person. She would either have to pay more to stay in a two-bedroom house or move into a one-bedroom apartment. I don't really see the problem. She could afford to pay more for the extra room since I wouldn't be her dependent. She doesn't need an extra room anyway. Really, if she has to move, she just needs to get rid of a lot of the junk she's collected over the years. She doesn't want to part with a lot of her things. She has A LOT of things. Most of which she doesn't remember.

I'm still clearing out my stuff so that it's easier for me to move out. Trying to make it so that I can transfer most of my things within a few medium-sized boxes at most.

Initial plan for when I move out: crash on Killol's couch. I've pretty much gotten his and Shiva's permission. I'm willing to give a week's pay to help a tiny bit with rent. My goal is to save up money so that I can rent a cheap room eventually. It's a simple plan. There are probably some kinks in it, but I'll work them out as I go along.

So I'm still applying for jobs. Once I get a job, part-time or full-time, I'll move out. I would have to leave most of my stuff with Mother until I can get my own place. Hopefully, it wouldn't take more than three months. If I get a part-time job, then I'll look for a second job. If I somehow snag a full-time job right off the bat, then that would be amazing, and I could save more money.

Overall, I'm just hoping everything works out. I just want to live on my own and learn how to take care of myself. When my life seems stable and good, I can help out my family. But for now, I gotta focus on getting up on my own two feet.

Anyway,  I'm looking for any kind of work I can get. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe. I know what kind of jobs I'm looking for. One that requires little interaction with clients or customers. One that allows me to work with things and data. Working with my hands is fun. Essentially, I would prefer off-hours work, stocking, and data entry. Usually, I'm not qualified for anything though because employers often require recent and relevant work experience. That makes the search difficult since I'm looking for my first official job (no prior experience). Even more difficult since I've been applying for full-time jobs. But now, I'm looking for part-time too. After I've told Mother what I plan to do, I'm looking at everything.

I know I could apply for jobs that require customer interaction. And I do. But those employers never contact me except to say that my skills don't meet their criteria or they're not looking for someone with my skills at this time -_- And I'm not lying or embellishing my resume to get a job. I wouldn't be able to live up to it. I'm really bad at amping up my first impression. So I'm learning to just do me and see where that takes me. I'm quiet and reserved, and I'm not very fond of small talk. I'm starting from there. I could learn to get used to talking to strangers all the time, but that's the thing: I have to learn to get used to it. Employers don't want to wait for me to get used to it. They just want me to do it. I could, but it would be very awkward.

Really, I don't want to change how I am to impress employers. I'd rather wait and find a job that suits my personality more. Is that pathetic and lame? I've been told it is. I can't be picky. Not in this economy. Well, you know, employers are picky. And I know and they know that if the job doesn't suit my personality, I won't be the best employee they could find. And I'd rather not try to fool anyone into thinking I can be some person that I'm not. Especially in a professional environment.

And I've said this before. I'll say it again. I'm not career-oriented. I've learned that about myself. I don't think long-term about a career. I just can't. It's not in me to do so. I don't know what job I'm going to do or what job will make me happy. I think I would be happy no matter what job I find, as long as I'm not struggling day to day and I'm able to enjoy the small and big of everything in my life. A career is not for me. I could have a career, but I don't really care much about it.

Some people want a career for the money, the power, or the prestige. I don't care about the power or the prestige that may come along with a career. The money helps with living a sufficient life. But money comes with a job or a career. I just want stability and independence in my life, and money helps bring that stability and independence. So if a career can give me that, then all right! If not, then I'll move on to something that does.

Some people want a calling rather than a career. Who doesn't want to do something that calls to them and makes them happy? I currently have no calling. I don't know if I ever will. That's ok. I never thought I would ever feel motivated about anything, but this year I've had a few instances where motivation has hit me and it felt great. So it's possible I'll find my calling in the future.

So why am I saying all this? I don't know really. It's just been on my mind. Friends and strangers are constantly asking me what I do, what I want to do, what I plan to do, and where I am headed. I never really have an answer. I'm stuck. The answers are and have always been "I don't know." Back when the questions started in high school, I didn't know, and I wasn't making plans for my future. In college, it continued. It was only toward the end of college that I thought maybe I would like to go into the police academy. But I've continually changed my mind about it, feeling like I only chose it so that I could have an answer to all those questions. And now, that possibility is definitely out of my mind. No career appeals to me, and no career can cement its status as my aspiration.

I am just floating around until the world takes me somewhere I want to be. This lack of direction used to scare me. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. (I've witnessed and heard about everything that my peers have been able to do, and I've done nothing that could live up to what they've done.) Now, I'm embracing all that is me and all that is a part of me, lack of direction and all. And I'm waiting and thinking and taking in what I can get until I figure out how to mold and take the next step in my life.


I had so much more to say last night before I fell asleep. Sadly, I don't remember it. And I can't even finish my current thoughts. Must be the cold. It's making me too slow to keep up with the thoughts that stream through my head. Lost the rest of it. Oh well.

Hey, we're two days from the alleged end of the world. How awesome. Less than a week away from Christmas. Less than two weeks from 2013. What to do? What to do? Have fun? Sounds good!