Just keep it together.

I feel like if anyone touches me, I'm going to fall apart.


Later, Mother is going to take me to see a Buddhist monk or something. The monk told her that 2013 will be a bad year for me unless he blesses me. Someone's going to steal my car. Or rather, someone will dupe me into giving them my car.

So Mother is gonna take me to a temple. So we'll have good luck.

Normally, I wouldn't care. But right now, I'm fairly confident I will find a job soon. It's gonna be all on me. Except when I do get a job, Mother is going to believe it was because of her and her virtue that I get a job. I'm not going to get any credit for it. But I know it will have been from my effort. 100%. Mother just won't recognize it. She won't see that I try. She'll continue to believe that I don't do anything for myself.

Is it stupid that I'm upset about this?

She thinks all the good things that happen to our family is because of her virtue. All the bad things come from everyone else's vices.

I'm not upset. I'm angry.

She thinks prayers and blessings will help or save Brother. He's going to jail. His third DUI, caught speeding, while on probation. There's no getting around that. Why would any judge be lenient on him? I wouldn't. The only reason the last judge was lenient on Brother was because Mother had been in the courtroom bawling and the prosecutor took pity on her.

If prayers and blessings don't do shit, it's not Mother's fault. It's ours. If something bad happens next year, it's automatically due to the inherently wrong things within us, not her. Or we just didn't pray enough. Or we didn't listen to her and do as she said. We didn't care enough.

If we don't care, why does she have to care? I never said she had to care. Where did she get that idea? If she wants to stop caring, go ahead. Do it. I'm not the boss of her. If she wants to stop caring, who am I to stop her? But I know she can't help but care. So why is it our fault that she cares too much? Why does she have to complain that she has to care about us much?


Rawr. I just want to do things on my own. With the help of those who will help me when I ask for it. I don't ask for more than that. She throws her "help" into it and acts like it's the only help that will do anything for me. Even more than what I can do for myself.

She's so used to taking care of Brother and helping him out of his problems that she thinks I'm exactly like him. I am fucking sick and tired of her acting like and believing I am exactly like him. I am not my brother. What have I done that proves I'm just like him? Nothing! So why can't she see that?

She doesn't want to treat me any differently than she wants to treat him. What she does with me is what she wishes she could do with Brother. Lock him up in his room, yell at him for every minor problem, yell at him for everything that doesn't matter, control his movements, control his behavior, give him approval before he does anything.


Gahh! What kind of holiday spirits are we in? This feels like the worst spirit I've been in at this time of year.


I need to keep it together. But I feel like I'm going to snap. Or break down. I just want to break down. But I'm going to keep it together. That might mean I can't see anyone for a little while. Or maybe I should. Just to get away.

Please, just get through today. Tomorrow, I can try to get away.

I need distractions.