Struggles: Depression, Anxiety, Panic. Solution: Self-care, Connection, Trust

A reminder to myself: Add good into the world, even if you don't think good will come out of it.

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I have dealt with depression since I was a teenager. Undiagnosed until recently. I used to tell myself that I wasn’t depressed because someone else definitely has it way worse. But on some level, I knew. I have had days where I just could not get out of bed and I let life pass me by. I didn’t reach out to anyone, even when I couldn’t bare to be alone.

I felt apathetic toward myself. I didn't want to try at anything. If I did try and succeed at something, I didn't think I deserved it. I didn't know how to use my little successes to propel me forward. I just did enough to get through each day. I didn't know how to look forward to the future. I was in this depressive murk for years, and I became so used to it. I didn't know what life looked like outside of this murky lens.

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Looking back, I know I've always been an anxious person. I just didn't know that I was dealing with anxiety. I thought my worries and fears were normal. Who wouldn't be afraid of someone breaking into their home? Who wouldn't be worried about the car that has been trailing behind them for several blocks? Who wouldn't be scared of the next mass shooting?

For me, my worries and fears led to some obsessive and compulsive behaviors. Whenever I go on vacation or to a show or just do something new, I always worry that something terrible or catastrophic will happen, especially to my family, while I'm out having fun. Maybe as a punishment for having too much fun. When I start worrying about something like this, I start praying internally. I repeat the prayer until it feels right, until I think I mean it enough.

I've been able to get through life, even with all these thoughts crowding in. I've been able to ignore the thoughts on most days. But they always come back when I'm alone. The overthinker in me rules much of my life. I've managed to pass myself off as a very laidback person, but I'm such an intense overthinker on the inside.

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I've had several panic attacks over the past two years. Most of them were triggered by my own irresponsible and reckless decisions (read: alcohol and drugs like LSD). I had been warned, but I thought I could handle the consequences of my decisions. I thought, because I had made so much progress on my self-improvement, I could handle some recklessness. And I was okay for a while. But I went overboard or just overestimated my capabilities, and now I'm facing the consequences.

I had a couple of panic attacks in March, April, and June 2017 and near-attacks afterward. I think one of these attacks was triggered by excessive sugar intake. I struggled for a couple of months to find normalcy. I found it. Then I had another panic attack in October 2017 after a show; this was triggered by excessive amounts of caffeine. Again, I struggled for normalcy. My next major panic attack occurred in January 2018. It was after work and after too much THC.

Because of the 2018 panic attack, I decided to cut back on just about everything. I went through the rest of the year feeling better. Some anxiety, but no panic attacks. I felt really good and proud of myself.

2019 started off really well. I was going out and making plans. Then I overestimated myself again. I triggered another panic attack in April because of THC. It wasn't the worst. My friends were there to support me and help me stay grounded. A month later, my stupid decisions caused another panic attack while I was at EDC day two. First and last time trying coke, last time taking MDMA. This was probably the worst panic attack I had ever had. It still affects me now. I've had multiple actual and near panic attacks since May. Sometimes multiple within the same day. I can't listen to much EDM anymore. Certain lighting, certain sounds/music, certain physical sensations (wind), just anything that reminded me of the circumstances during my attack at EDC; it all would trigger high anxiety or panic attacks. My heart races, my muscles tense, I sweat, my skin tingles uncomfortably, my mind races through all these terrifying what-ifs about reality, I feel myself literally coming apart, and everything feels unreal and disconnected. I honestly didn't know how I was getting through these attacks. I just know I've gotten through them. I also know I scare myself about having another panic attack. Panicking about panic (and losing reality), ridiculous but real, terrifying.

I haven't been getting enough sleep because I'm too anxious to fall asleep. I have to leave YouTube videos playing for me to fall asleep. I wake up a lot during the night. My room is too hot at night, partially because of me leaving my laptop on all night. Also because I close my bedroom window. I've been overly sensitive to external stimuli for the past two months. It's ridiculous, but I hyper-focus on unfamiliar sounds and movements, especially when I'm exhausted. So I'm just trying to reduce my triggers.

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I started being honest with my friends about my depression years ago; recently, I started being honest about my battle with anxiety and panic attacks. I somehow managed to develop strong relationship with many extremely supportive friends. We've learned how to communicate and to listen. Even many of my acquaintances have listened to me talk about my struggles and my triumphs and shared their own stories. I have a community I can rely on. This community has helped me find my strength time and time again. When I forget my strength, my successes, and the good I've tried to add into the world, these loving people remind me. When I don't believe in any of it, they believe for me and encourage me to believe in all of it.

I started seeing a psychotherapist/psychiatrist at the beginning of July. I don't know if it's helping me, but I don't think it's hurting me. The doctor has helped me unearth some baggage I didn't realize I had, or rather baggage that I thought I had already dealt with. He has explained some therapeutic techniques to practice in my everyday life; they're meant to help me calm and retrain my brain to better handle anxiety and panic attacks. He has also suggested that I start taking an antidepressant. I'm hesitant. I worry about side effects, dependency, and effectiveness. I know medication can help some people. I know it could help me, but it scares me. I also just want to challenge myself to find my strength again and to trust and believe in myself. I told my doctor just as much. I want to get better on my own. I've been able to do it the previous times. I just fucked myself up each time by doing drugs again. This time, I really mean it. I won't touch any of it. The risk of anxiety and panic attacks is too high, and I don't want to risk losing myself completely. Of course, if it gets to a point where I feel like I can't do it on my own, then I'll consider medication.

I've decided to abstain indefinitely, likely permanently, from drugs and alcohol. I used these things to escape from my life and to help me be more sociable. They were my crutches. But now, I want to be present in my life. I want to be here to be able to support and help all of the wonderful people in my life. Despite my desire to stay here in this reality, my mind seems to take me away from the present whenever I start panicking. I'm fighting hard to stay. Plus, even drinking alcohol triggers anxiety now. So it's just good overall for me to abstain.
-It's been a little difficult. Going out with friends is slightly challenging because I end up being the only sober person. I'm okay with being DD. But it's challenging to socialize with inebriated people. I'm too in my head. There's also an irrational part of me that's worried that if I'm surrounded by inebriated people, I'll somehow absorb their inebriation. Or someone will get something into my system because they think I should loosen up (some have told me as much, maybe jokingly, but it still worries me). These anxious thoughts would trigger panic attacks too.
-This also means that I'm foregoing future shows and festivals (no lie; a lot of people go to these events to get fucked up). I've been selling whatever tickets I bought earlier this year. I've lost a lot of money. Alaska got $300 out of me not flying to Seattle this past weekend for a festival, and two people got some cheap tickets to the festival. I still have many tickets left to sell. I'm holding on to a pair of tickets for deadmau5 in October though; my brother is supposed to go to that with me. We've never been to a festival or EDM show together. So I'm hoping that I'll get myself into a good mental space by then; I want us to share an experience. But if I don't feel ready, I won't push myself.
-This past weekend, instead of going to the festival, I went with a group of friends to Lake Tahoe. I was sober the whole weekend. Everyone else drank or did other things. It worried me, but I didn't want to ruin anyone else's fun. So everyone did their own thing. Somehow, I managed to not have any panic attacks. If I thought my anxiety was starting to increase, I would focus on my breathing and remind myself that reality was still here and I was with friends, good people who will help me if I need it. This vacation actually felt like it helped me reset my brain a bit. It was nice. Of course, coming back home, my anxiety has kinda started up again, but I think it's more manageable now. Though, I did almost trigger another panic attack because I was thinking about my panic attacks on the drive home from work haha. Still a work in progress. Anyway, after this weekend, I'm probably gonna make sure I hang out in more sober settings.

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If I could choose, I would rather deal with depression than anxiety. Apathy is easier than constant fear. Listlessness is easier than overthinking. But I don't have a choice. I just have to deal.

I'm grateful for the love and support that I'm getting from my friends, especially since they're all dealing with their own lives. I'm lucky to have these folks in my life. I hope I can repay them just as well in my support of them.

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I started writing this because I needed to get some thoughts out. Maybe as a sort of confession/clearing of conscience. Now, I don't really know what to make of this.

I know I need help. I've reached out for help. I've reached out to friends and a professional. Now, I'm learning and relearning how to help myself and how to trust myself/others. It's been hard and daunting most days. Some days are easier to get through; other days, each step feels impossible. I feel like I'm making progress, but I have setbacks. The setbacks feel so monumental, but I'm trying to hold on to hope that I will feel and do better. I'm trying to add more realistic positivity and positive realism into my life.

Thank goodness for YouTube (Michelle Khare, Safiya Nygaard, Ladylike, Pero Like, The Try Guys. Basically all the BuzzFeed-related videos. Also, Good Mythical Morning.). I've binged on so many videos over the past two months; they've helped keep me distracted and also given me food for thought in regard to my own challenges.

Making better decisions for myself is hard because it requires me to really think. I'm trying to find a balance, so that I don't overthink. Hopefully, I can get this right.