Make-up

I don't wear make-up. I don't like wearing make-up. I have worn make-up.

I used to think I was really unattractive. I mean, why else would people bully me when I was younger, yeah? Now that I'm older, I have come to learn that sometimes people bully others just because they can to make themselves feel better about themselves. So I know what I looked like didn't really have much to do with the bullying. I probably just looked like a weak and easy target. Anyway, at this point in my life, I don't necessarily think I'm attractive or beautiful. But I don't think I'm that bad-looking. If anything, I could pass for cute haha.

I have never wanted to wear make-up, even when I thought I was ugly. I didn't think make-up would help me. I also didn't want to feel like make-up was the only reason people would find me attractive. Plus, my skin likes to breathe and feel air... So I just accepted my not-pretty-ness and moved on with it.

I think I've worn make-up a handful of times in my entire life. A couple of times when I was a kid. My mom got me dressed up for Tet, Vietnamese New Year. There are photos. Actually, there are photos of me every time I've worn make-up. Hmm, I've only worn make-up because my mom made me do so.

I wore make-up for Junior Ball, my senior portrait, and Senior Ball. My mom wouldn't let me go to any of these unless I put on make-up. I didn't enjoy it, but I did it because I didn't want to miss out on my cliché high school experiences.

I don't really remember why I wanted to write about this. Just thoughts to get down, I guess.

Anyway, I realize that, on a shallow level, while I tend to find myself more physically attracted to femme women, I don't know if I would want to date someone who wears make-up often. I just want to be able to feel my partner's skin without gunk in the way haha. Natural beauty all the way :3 It just seems more real. I dunno how to explain it.

Just thinking back on all the people I've found myself interested in, I noticed that the people who kept my interest the longest did not wear make-up much if at all. In fact, they've been relatively in between masculine and feminine. I think they fit with me personality-wise better than the more feminine women I've been into.

Ugh, my brain is all over the place. I can't stick to the topic long enough to type my thoughts out. Blah.

Ultimately, all that surface stuff doesn't matter much. But I know my preferences. But they're just preferences. I can live with or without them.


Rawr. This is one of the worst blog entries I've written... Cannot make thoughts work haha. May revisit this topic in the future when thoughts work properly.

Anyway, time for a four-day weekend :D

2014 start, middle, and end?

2014 started off really well for me. Living on my own, got a promotion, made new friends.

2014 went well for the most part. I made it my Shenanigans Year. I've had a great share of fun and made many amazing memories this year. I cemented some friendships that I hope will last a lifetime. I have a wonderful support system that saved me so many times.

But 2014 has been rocky for a short while now. I don't know which direction 2014 is heading. I'm trying to stay positive and make it end well with all the plans and ideas I have. But, I guess, a lot has been happening. More than I can handle. So I'm a little uncertain how this year will end.

We will see how the next six weeks will go. I foresee many ups and downs. I will face them, and I will live. I am going to survive whatever troubles I face. I will build up my strength and defenses. I will make it as far as I can and be proud of myself.

Stepping down.

So Tuesday had started off better than expected. It didn't end well. I barely made it through half of my work day.

I had a conversation with a coworker sometime before lunch. He said things that angered me. He asked about two incidents that had happened at work when he first started because he found out someone had "complained" about him. The first incident he asked about was a sexual harassment issue. I explained what happened. He asked about a specific person involved in that situation. I explained. Then he asked about the complaint that person had about him. I explained that it was not a complaint but more of a method of self-preservation for someone who was very introverted. In his first week or so, he had tapped her on the shoulder or arm several times to ask for help or to wake her up when the bosses were walking around. She didn't feel comfortable with the physical contact. She asked me to separate them.

He felt affronted and probably hurt that someone would accuse him of being a creep. I tried to explain to him that the person who spoke to me about him didn't think he was a bad person; she just didn't want to be touched, but she didn't know how to tell him that without offending him.

I tried to explain to him that many women don't know how to respond to men because they don't know what the consequences of voicing their discomfort could be. But he just got angrier. And he basically said things that remind me of the hashtag NotAllMen.

"She's got problems if she doesn't know how to trust people."
"She can't assume every guy is gonna be a bad guy."
"There are nice guys, but she won't give them a chance."
"It's unfair of her to put me in the same box as those douches."
"She needs professional help/counseling if that's how she thinks."
"I was just trying to help her out, and she took it as a threat! Something's wrong with her!"

I started to get so angry hearing all these things. He wasn't listening to me. I was starting to not listen to him. I had to tell him that we couldn't talk about this anymore. But he kept going. And I stayed there and heard more. When he finally paused, I walked away. Unfortunately, someone on the floor asked for my help with a task, and I tried to help her. But I couldn't fight my anger or my tears. And it showed. I had to leave the floor.

I realize my anger wasn't so much at the fact that he was vilifying our former coworker. It was the fact that he sounded like that hashtag. Like a significant amount of society. Like the people who don't take harassment seriously unless it's vulgar and forceful. Like people who think they could never hurt someone else, even unintentionally. I realize my anger flared up because I felt like my experiences were being trivialized and turned into irrationality. Like whenever I'm uncomfortable with a man I don't know, I'm just overreacting.

Who knows? Maybe we do overreact sometimes. Maybe it's a chain reaction in our minds that isn't realistic and shouldn't be there, but it's there. And there's a fucking reason for it. There have been times where we didn't react enough and we became victims. How do we keep ourselves from becoming victims again? We react to every little possible thing, and we watch it. It probably isn't the healthiest way to live. In this world we live in, it feels like it's the only way we can survive.

It's funny (not really). When a woman reacts negatively to a man's advances or even just friendly gestures, she's seen as cold and bitchy. But if she reacts to him warmly or positively, and he hurts her, well she just gave him the wrong message. It's still kinda her fault; she shouldn't have been so nice. As if, no matter what a woman does, whatever happens to her is by default her fault because everything she does as a woman causes someone else to do what they do.

Obviously, not everyone thinks like this. But too many people do.

I know a lot of nice people. Great people. Flawed people. I know I'm a nice person. But I don't delude myself anymore into thinking that I could never hurt someone else intentionally or otherwise. Especially in a way that I personally find detestable. I've come to realize that I can't control how someone else will perceive me. I can only alter my image so much. It's unfair for someone else to not see me as the good person I am. But I know people see life through their own lenses, their own experiences. I can't hold that against them. I won't.

Ugh. This whole thing pissed me off so much. So unbearable. I had to avoid talking to my coworker most of yesterday. Every time I thought about talking to him, I just ended up yelling at him in my head. I thought it would be best to not do that in reality.

I feel like I can't talk about this clearly because this issue affects me so much. Knowing so many people who have been harassed or assaulted, hearing all their stories and their fears. I also know where my coworker is coming from. I've been on both ends of this. I know the fear in all its rationality and irrationality. I also know the anger at the unfairness of being judged when I know I'm a good person. Being on the side of being judged and being angry, I still had power in that situation; my feelings were hurt, but I was safe. On the other side, I felt like I had no power and no security; I felt unprotected.

Ahh. My head... too many thoughts.

A person can know that they're a nice person. But how is anyone else supposed to know and believe that completely? I used to think anyone who treated me well was probably a good person. Most of the time, I still think that's true. But I've had my fair share of experiences with people who were nice and helpful but turned out to be very manipulative.

And sometimes, good people hurt others. Whether they know it. Whether they feel remorse afterward. None of it changes the fact that bad things have happened.

I need to stop thinking about this. I wish I could turn my brain off.


Anyway, I feel like I'm overreacting to this. Probably. I mean I should be pissed. But I shouldn't be so overly emotional about this. If I was in a better place in my life, I would have been upset but probably calmer than I've been. Been prone to emotional breakdowns, I guess.

So yesterday, I asked to step down as trainer. This conversation sent me over the edge when it shouldn't have. But it did. I take it as a sign that I'm not emotionally well. Not well enough to do my job to the best of my ability. I have my good days. But my bad days are too many, and they interfere with my work too much. It's unfair of me to put such sub-par effort into this job. It's unfair to the people who work under me. I've been feeling this way for months. But the past couple of days really drove that feeling home. My personal issues won't stay at home; they keep coming to work with me.

I just need to deal with them first before I could really provide more for this workplace. I need to find my peace and my balance again. I can't keep doing this whole stabilize-for-a-few-moments-and-hope-they-last thing. I really need to work on myself and my happiness.

I don't know if I'm happy with my decision. But I feel some relief, knowing that I don't have to be responsible for people soon enough. I won't have to be responsible for keeping them happy when I don't even know how to make myself happy.

I know my bosses are probably hoping that I'll change my mind. As much as I don't want to lose the pay and the freedom, I don't want this job. I don't think I can do it well if I don't want it. Especially if my personal problems keep getting in the way. I still have to train the next trainer. I'm going to try to keep myself together as best as possible until probably the end of December at the earliest.

I'm sure my coworkers are going to ask questions. I don't know what I'm going to tell them. Personal stuff? Got a lot going on? I don't know. Maybe I just won't answer.

I don't want to regret this decision. I feel like I won't. I'm stepping down. Not because I can't handle the job. I know I can do my job well. I know I am an asset to my team. There's just so much going on inside my head that I haven't been doing as well as I should, and I recognize that. I have to take care of myself. I have to remind myself to do it. I have to have other people remind me. This is the best decision I've made for myself in a while. I know that, but it is definitely hard to believe.

Holding out until January was the plan. I guess that was probably too much to expect of myself...

I should probably start looking for a part-time job to help supplement my income. The pay drop is going to be a little difficult. Also need to help out my family when I can. Can't really do that if I can barely pay for myself. They're not going to know about this situation. They can't.

How will 2014 end? Good or bad?

I've been thinking about what I want. How to achieve what I want. When to do it. Just lost in thought about things. I still don't really know what I want. I have ideas of what I want, but nothing is certain in my head.

I wanted to get an industrial piercing yesterday. But the piercing shop employee I talked to said that my ear wasn't the right shape for that style and it could easily rip out. Plus, glasses would get in the way and mess with the healing process /: Sad day. I was disappointed for sure. The one piercing type that I like, I shouldn't get. The employee suggested a different type of piercing, but I'm not really sold on any other styles. Oh well, at least my friend John got his ears pierced :)

So now, instead, I want to get a tattoo. But I need to design it first. It will happen. Eventually.

My goals for the end of 2014 are to end it with a bang or as spectacularly as possible :D and to cross off two things from my bucket list. Unfortunately, the piercing will not be one of those two things. And I have plenty of things on the list to do; I just need to put in the time, money, and/or effort to do them.

I'm going out pretty often. Friends are surprised haha. I'm surprised too. Shenanigans Year, though. Say yes to everything I want to do. I'm pretty exhausted though. But I don't want to miss out. Once 2015 starts, I have a feeling that my hermit-like ways will resurface. Though, I also have a feeling that I'll still go out a lot haha. Maybe not like one to three times a week, but still somewhat frequently.

I haven't been spending much time by myself. Maybe that's why it's been difficult for me to find a balance in my life. I feel like I've been more depressed more easily and more frequently in the past few months. I don't think I'm handling things very well. I feel like chaos on the inside sometimes. Then I have my good moments, and I think, "What's wrong with me? I'm happy right now. It's stupid of me to be sad." Those moments don't last long enough.

I've been considering stepping down from my position at work. It's not super stressful. But it's taxing enough that sometimes I just want to shut down and not be there. Nothing even happens at work. I'm ok with everyone there, even the few people I had disagreements with. We're cool, but I still feel stressed out. I can't handle even a tiny bit of stress now without wanting to break down. Little bits of criticism or even concern have me fighting back lumps in my throat.

It's not always like this. But when it is, it just feels terrible. I wish I could do better. I wish I could make myself happy. I've done it before. I can do it again. Somehow.

I try to remind myself that I have plenty of good days to look forward to.

I made myself a better person. Right now, I might be regressing a little. But I can do better again.

I have this worry that I've been going out a lot just to distract myself from how unhappy I've been feeling. Well, it's not a worry. It's just true. But I don't want to stop. I want to have fun, no matter how fleeting these moments of fun are. A burst of happiness and excitement here and there helps...

All this thinking. No doing. Or I'm not doing the right things to help myself. I don't even know what to do to help myself.


Tangent: I feel selfish. I want to be selfish. I won't let myself be that selfish.

Simply put: It's like a Catch-22. I'm sad. I want to be happy. I want to be with someone who makes me happy. But I don't want to depend on someone else to make me happy. I want to be happy before I pursue something serious. But I feel like I won't be that happy until I meet someone.

It's not someone else's job to make me happy. I need to find my happiness first. I want to be able to bring and add happiness into a relationship, not just gain happiness from it. If I really care about the other person, I wouldn't use them like that. It just sucks to feel so damn lonely all the time.

I just want someone here. Someone who gets me, who holds me. I just miss being held, feeling safe.


Blah. Enough rambling. I think I just need more rest and more time to myself. Or at least do things that are more mellow. Need to find my balance again.

2014 should end well. With lots of happiness. Contentment. Steadiness. Stability. Balance. More strength. Just all the good I have (that's currently being overshadowed by my negativity).

I'm Jaded.

Hmm... I'm jaded? Jaded about people, dating, and relationships... Jaded. It all makes sense now haha.

Even though I have very, very little dating experience, I've witnessed a lot of things go down in the relationships of the people around me. All the stuff that has happened over the years definitely shaped how I view romance and dating. (People can be fucking crazy.)

I'm still hopeful. I have hope. But my realistic side is starting to have a stronger hold on my ability to reason. My emotional side will always be hopeful but uncertain. My rational side just knows anything can happen and not everything I want will be the right fit. And, more often than not, it knows that emotions cloud judgment.

What do I want in my life right now? Do I want a serious relationship? Do I just want to have fun and mess around? I kinda want both. But I know I want the serious more than anything. Do I feel ready for that though? I know I'm ready. Despite whatever stress I'm experiencing in my life at this point, I know I can handle a serious relationship. I'm in a good place. I'm happy with myself, moreso than ever. Obviously, I have my days where I don't feel that happiness and I struggle. But overall, I'm good. I'm ready.

I think what I'm not ready for is meeting people. Meeting the wrong people. Meeting the right people. Meeting them at the wrong time.

Lately, I feel like I've been meeting people at the wrong time. They're not ready. I'm not ready. I'm too ready.

With the various conversations I've had with friends over the past month or two, I've continually come to the conclusion that the people I've been interested in are "not good enough" for me. More my friends' words than my own. I just say we're on different levels. Or we're not on the same page or in the same book. I don't think I'm too good for anyone. I just think I'm meeting people that aren't quite where I am or vice versa. And we can't get to the same place together. We're out of alignment.

I'm starting to come to this conclusion on my own without help or input from friends. Just did about someone I recently met. I still think she's cute and sweet. But stepping back, I can kinda see an overall view of her, and it's not necessarily what I want. It's also not necessarily what I don't want. My interest in her is just that. Interest. Nothing provocative or irresistible.

I normally obsess when I'm interested because it's so rare that I'm interested. But it's not rare that I feel lonely. I want to feel loved and wanted. So I normally wish and hope that things work out, just to make the loneliness go away.

This time, I started to do that. But reality stepped in. Things and thoughts happened. Now, here I am, not obsessing in the way I normally do. Now, I feel like I'm being realistic and thoughtful. Alcohol-influenced events also helped move my thoughts in this direction.

The people I initially find myself attracted to don't always turn out to be the people I would actually want to be with. It usually just takes a damn long time for me to get that through my head. I'm learning now. How to remember that. Remember that attraction to a person, whether physical or emotional, doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I'm afraid I'll end up alone. I'm afraid I'll never meet someone I can connect with. I want to make a connection. I'm afraid that the people that I want to make a connection with aren't really the ones I want. I'm afraid I'll settle. I'm afraid I don't know when to settle or when to try harder to get something that I feel like I don't deserve. I'm afraid I won't know how to figure out if someone is worth my time and attention. I don't want to waste any of it on the wrong people. But maybe that's what I need to do to find the right people. Maybe the wrong people can become the right people. I don't know.

There's always something that holds me back or just trips me up when it comes to someone I'm interested in. But I'm learning. Sometimes, maybe what trips me up is the fact that I'm interested in someone just for the sake of finding someone.

I just need to stop looking. Or yearning. It's clouding my judgment. Maybe I should stop being interested in people who won't grow up, who won't give me the time of day, who won't connect with me, who just don't seem to be on my level. Those seem to be the only people I can meet lately.

Maybe I'm not jaded. Maybe I'm just being more mature than I normally am about this kinda thing.

Nah, I think I'm jaded :P and deliriously incoherent.

Family Health

For the past couple of months, my family has been dealing with some health scares.

Mother's cancer may have progressed. It's been a decade. She's got a growth near the site of her mastectomy. Apparently, it's been there for a couple of years, but she never mentioned it. And no health professionals noticed because, honestly, who would think that breast cancer would show up where there's no breast? Mother finally went to the doctor's. She's been seeing various doctors. They're unsure if it's cancer or if it's just a benign growth.

The course of action appears to be chemo for eight months, surgery, and then radiation for who knows how long. She'll hear about a more definite timeline tomorrow. I think Brother is going with her.

As for Brother, he went to the ER two months ago for a sudden, persistent pain in his left eye, which worsened whenever he moved his eye. Extremely blurry vision. Inability to see distinguish the color red. Doctors determined it to be optic neuritis. They gave him steroids to help ease the pain and improve his vision. They said the vision problems and pain may come and go in the future. In trying to pinpoint the cause, they tested him for MS. Tests came back negative. They still don't know what caused it. The pain lessened, and his vision got better. They let him go home after a couple of days.

About two weeks ago, Brother went back to the emergency room for severe headaches that lasted a few weeks. He had viral meningitis. Doctors kept him in the hospital for just less than a week. Tests. Brother was irritated because that meant he couldn't work. Family had to remind him that the doctors were doing their best and he couldn't work for long if his infection prevented him from doing so anyway.

Doctors treated the meningitis. Luckily, it was determined to be not contagious. Brother still has to go back to the hospital for more tests. Doctors are still uncertain as to what caused the infection since Brother does not travel and he didn't do any of the things that the doctors said could cause viral meningitis.

Today, Brother said, even though it might not be MS, it might still be some other autoimmune disease. I know very little about autoimmune diseases, but I've heard they're not really curable but can be manageable.

So yeah, that's how part of my family is doing now.

I mentally checked out when all this happened at once. On autopilot around my family. I feel guilty about that, but I don't know what to do. I haven't been around. I don't want to think about it. But today, I checked myself back in. I've been selfish. I still want to be selfish, but I also want to support my family. So I'm trying. Matt told me I was having a fight-or-flight reaction; I immediately chose flight. I'm making myself choose the other option now.

We will deal with everything as it comes. Who knows? Maybe it won't end up too badly.

I need to try to keep myself in the real world. I have to try to not tune it out. Family stress added to work stress. I've been feeling like I can't handle anything. It's been terrifying. I felt like giving up. On what? I don't know. I just wanted to give up.

I feel better today. Finally. I just spent most of the day by myself. It was great. I'm not at 100%, but I'm much better than I was yesterday and better than how I've been the past month or so. I'm still getting a little anxious and nervous at times when I start thinking too much. But then I just try to remember that I need to take everything one step at a time and one day at a time. I need to be strong for my family. I need to be there for them.

I also need to learn how to ask for help. I thought I did. But I'm always backtracking because I don't want to bother people with my problems that aren't really my problems. I need to learn how to stop worrying and fretting so much.

Happier news: Miah is crawling and standing herself up now. She laughs and shouts more. She also only likes me sometimes :P I think I give off too much heat. She really doesn't like to be hot. Also, I haven't been around much. But I think she recognizes me when she does see me. She's also just more attached to everyone else in my family.

I should try to be around more often.

Bisexual, Homoromantic

Thinking about things and recent conversations, I guess I'm really not as open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to men. Or I'm open to it, but I really don't think it could happen.

Physically, I'm attracted to both men and women. Though, I definitely find women more attractive most of the time.

Emotionally, I thought I was completely open to either gender. But I think I'm only saying that because I don't want to close off my opportunities with men, despite never really having experienced any attraction to or feelings for them that were as strong as the ones I've felt for women.

But I will be honest. The closest I've ever felt like that for a guy was only in recent years. And that was Matt C haha. He has a lot of qualities that I find attractive in a partner. But he's gay--if he was attracted to women, maybe I would have asked him out a long time ago. But I'm also thinking I probably feel this way about him because he is gay--it's safe to feel this way for him because I don't actually want him to reciprocate the feelings.

The idea of being emotionally attracted to a man doesn't really do much for me. Recently, I've found myself at least physically attracted to two different people, one male and one female, both of which I know somewhat equally well. I've been thinking about hypothetical situations.

Also, some probably irrelevant background: I'm so used to pursuing people. For several months, I had been thinking about putting that on pause. I recently decided that I'm going to not pursue anyone. At least not for a long while. I just need to let it all be. See if maybe life will let someone else's path cross mine and see if someone else will explore this new path. Instead of exploring a new one myself. I just want to see what happens if anything. Though, it's difficult to not pursue someone when I'm interested haha.

So back to the hypothetical situations:

I've been wondering, if the guy asked me out, whether I would say yes and explore that possibility. I would have to think about it.

What if the girl asked me out? Would I say yes to her? I would want to say yes to her without thinking.

If both asked me out, I think I would hold out for the girl.

I'm physically attracted to the guy, but I don't think I really want to give him a chance. I just don't see it happening. I'd just be wondering if I should just wait for a girl to come along.

Also, I really want to get to know and to pursue the girl, but I'm kinda super wary of rejection currently (and, like I said, just let things be). I haven't felt any urge to pursue the guy but maybe to get to know him better as a friend.

Ugh, my brain. My feelings. I hate them sometimes. I want to be open to saying yes to guys. But I just can't feel it happening. I want myself to say yes and just explore it. But I already know I won't find what I want. I'm quite sure, like 99% sure, that I will find what I want and need in another woman. (Obviously, if I ever happen to meet a man who just knocks all these questions out and fulfills me wholly as a person, then I would be happy with him. But right now, I'm sure I won't be meeting any guy like that.)


Anyway, I guess what this all leads to is the realization that I really can only see myself with a woman. The best way to describe myself now is bisexual and homoromantic haha. But queer still works too. My description of my sexuality doesn't actually change much though. For the past four or so years, I've been telling people that I find women much more attractive than men; that I'm pretty sure I'll end up with a woman, but I'm not averse to the idea of being with a man. Now, I just have to say I think I am a little averse. I really just haven't met many if any guys who really pull me in like women have.

Bisexual, homoromantic. Hmm. I guess I just have to come to terms with this. It's not a big deal, but it kinda still feels like one. Hmm.

Unbearable heaviness.

It's been a long time since I've felt this low.

It's that heavy, sinking, drowning feeling.

I feel like I'm back in high school. I can't control this sadness. I can't control anything. I feel all this negativity and anger. But I feel nothing too.

God, I hate this mess of emotion.

I really wanted to believe I put it all completely behind me. I'm happy with where I am. I'm amazed that I'm here. Why can't I just keep this happiness going?

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just deluding myself into believing that I'm happier. Maybe I'm the same as I was years ago. No better off.

Everything that used to haunt me is still there. Most days, they're just there, but they don't bother me. They're not haunting anymore. But today, it feels like nothing ever changed.

I feel like that lost little kid again. I feel alone. And I feel like I hate myself.

Giving myself moments of calm...

A lot of bad news lately. Or maybe not. It just feels like it. And I don't want to face any of it.

I think my slightly rational side is recognizing that I'm starting to cut myself off from people again. I don't think it's showing. But I recognize something that happens--I don't know what it is, but it's there--when I'm about to push people away or distance myself. It's something I haven't done in so long. I was making so much progress.

I feel like I'm starting to give up on the progress. I don't want to, but I can't help it.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I hope that whatever clarity I might have is enough.

I finally set foot outside of California.

This past weekend was the first time I took a vacation after entering the workforce :P And it was amazing.

First time leaving California. First time on a road trip with multiple friends (Matt C, Tuan T, Ray C, and Kevin R). First time in Las Vegas. First time at EDC. First Ferris wheel ride. First time listening to a live set by myself. A bunch of firsts.

Some unfortunate things happened. Long drive to LV Thursday night to Friday morning made us all very tired for the start of EDC. Missed a few DJs I really wanted to see. Missed several meet-ups with friends because of terrible cell phone reception and lack of Internet/Wi-Fi. But overall, a good weekend. Tried the buffets at Caesar's Palace and the Bellagio. Had In-N-Out a couple of times. Got stuck in traffic going from the hotel to the Speedway, but interacted with fellow attendees along the way. Drained all my energy from being around 400k+ people--too many people, but great energy. But too many. I think my body went into shock from the amount of people that were there haha. Pretty sure I fell asleep the first night in the stands at 3 in the morning.

Full DJ sets that I experienced: Cedric Gervais, Hardwell, Armin van Buuren, Gareth Emery, Kaskade, Tiesto, Andrew Rayel, Mat Zo (by myself), Above & Beyond, Axwell /\ Ingrosso, Tommy Trash (missed the ending), Dash Berlin (last time).

Partial DJ sets: Madeon, Orjan Nilsen, Astrix, Paul Oakenfold.

Missed DJ sets: 3LAU, Dyro & Dannic, Cazzette, Sander van Doorn, Bingo Players, R3hab, Alesso, Paul van Dyk.
I will experience their all live sets eventually.

I wish I could have recorded everything that happened, but it was just a very tiring weekend. I got very little sleep or food. Just tried my best to enjoy everything in the moment it happened.

After EDC, I slept from 4PM Monday to 8:30AM Tuesday. I woke up and felt amazing haha. The drive back to SJ was much better than the drive from there. I was awake for most of it. Plenty of energy until I reached home.

Anyway, after this experience, I was perfectly fine not coming back to Vegas or attending EDC again. It could remain a one-time experience, and I would be fine with that. But my friends want to go again. So I'll probably go again next year too :P Maybe I'll get to see all the DJs I missed this time. We'll also be better prepared. Less exhaustion hopefully.

Can't wait!

Sometimes, I can't fucking stand the filth that exists in this world.

I feel like I often find myself wavering between satisfaction with human kindness and disgust with human sickness.

Sometimes, my anger consumes me, and all I can do is cry. All I can do is think about what I would do if given the opportunity. If you would just give me a name, an address, or something to help me find these abusers... If only I could go back in time and protect you...

I know I don't always take care of myself and I don't always know how to protect myself. But I sure as hell hope I will always know how to protect others.

I still think about the survivor stories I've heard from friends and strangers. From their childhoods, from their teens, from their college years, from so many different points in their lives. In the back of my mind, I'm always asking for more details. So I can find the fuckers who hurt them. I don't know what I would do to them. Or maybe I do. Whatever I would do, those fuckers deserve it.

I just feel this great sadness and this pure animosity right now. And I can't get it out.

I want to meet people. Maybe.

For the most part, I've been happy by myself for a while now. Loneliness doesn't make itself known as often as it used to.

But like I've said before, I want to meet someone and get to know them. I kinda want to explore. Meet new people. But I'm also afraid. Meeting new people is a scary experience for me sometimes. I dunno. I just need to get out of my head.

A significant portion of my friends is on all these new dating apps. Grindr and Jack'd for gay men. Tinder for everyone. A few friends here and there have been suggesting that I try online dating because "three years is a long time to not date." Even though I said I haven't reached that limit--really, is there a limit?--I've been curious to try Tinder. Not specifically to date. Just to meet people and have more first conversations. I don't meet new people very often. It would be nice to see new faces and hear new perspectives. Maybe I would connect with someone...

A part of me just wants to try this because I feel like I should open myself up more to life's possibilities. I've been keeping to myself and sticking to my established circles for a long time. And I feel like I haven't really given myself a chance to connect with someone new.

I'm also a little curious to see who would think I was interesting or attractive enough that they would want to talk to me haha. I honestly think very few would. But maybe that's just my lack of self-confidence talking or something.

I can't decide if I want to try it or not. I kinda want to meet people in a more organic, face-to-face manner, but I know the reality is it's not likely to happen. I'll have to ponder this some more.

Also, I'm trying to see if I can get to know this one person better. (And I used to not notice other people as much when I was interested in someone. Now, I notice other people, but I don't necessarily want to get to know them better.) Seems my few attempts have flopped; or they were always just badly timed. But I'll keep trying, I think. I dunno. I can't tell if they would be receptive. And I'm trying to get over this whole I-don't-want-to-be-rejected-and-ignored fear. I don't even know if my personality would appeal to them.

Then again, I've always assumed I wasn't anybody's type... Or I attract people that are not attractive to me in some way. Sooo yeah.

These kinds of thoughts make me feel like I'm in high school. Fretting about romance and connections and whatnot. Ugh. But I guess I really want someone here with me. I want to get close and be close to someone. I want a big spoon >.< haha. I want safety, security, warmth, love, understanding. I want someone to get me, to share life and memories with me in a way that I won't allow anyone else to. I want that.

But I don't think I'm letting myself get that. But I should.

For now, I'll just let myself get to know someone.

Matt's Rainbow Grad

Yesterday was the SJSU LGBTRC's 6th Annual Rainbow Graduation. Yay! I attended to show support for Matt, one of my closest friends--sometimes, it still feels weird to say I have close friends haha. One of my other friends, Amarissa, was also graduating.

Alex T and Tuan T also came. Zain, as well, whom I've met a few times before but with whom I never really conversed. Met a few nice, interesting people. Crizella, Matt's sister. David, an Applied Math grad. Frank, one of Matt's coworkers.

Matt and Amarissa's speeches got emotional. I had allergies. Nose and eyes were running. During their speeches, it was like my face was replaced with a faucet. I blamed the allergies haha. But seriously, they got me. Matt thanked several folks, including me, in his speech. His emotions were deeply felt at my table. Tuan, Alex, and I were just like, "Oh no. Our eyes!" Haha.

After the grad, we went to Amor Cafe to hang out for a while. Then Matt, Crizella, Tuan, and I decided to hit up Dave & Buster's. I actually played a few games because Matt and Crizella kept swiping me in -w-;; Thanks, y'all, for including me. In return, I gave them my tickets haha.

We decided we were hungry. So we went to Denny's. Crizella ordered some appetizer. And then we bounced because In-N-Out sounded better. We spent a good chunk of time at In-N-Out looking at guys who came through the place haha. I need to learn how to pay attention to people's eyes, so that I know what they're looking at and where their attention is. It would help with my gaydar XD

I didn't get home until around 1:30. Bed by 2.

Up at 5 and managed to fit in a shower, yay! Now, it's time to go to work.

Yesterday was a good day :) And it ended well! I'm happy. And I'm very proud of Matt for finishing his undergrad. I'm looking forward to surviving adulthood with him haha. But first, University Commencement and the Castro on Saturday as an extended celebration!

Dating Strangers.

>.>

A couple of different friends recently (and incredulously) asked me why I haven't dated strangers. Why won't I try meeting and dating new people?

My answer: I think every relationship's foundation should always be a strong friendship. Your partner should be one of your best friends. If you can't be good friends, how are you supposed to be good partners? I personally would like to know that we connect on various levels, not just on a romantic or aesthetic one. I could meet someone I'm interested in, but I wouldn't pursue anything immediately. I would get to know them as a person first. No dates or anything like that. No need to try to impress each other. I just want to get to know you, not the you that you think I would like.

I've also always taken comfort in the fact that Shiva has remained one of my closest friends despite everything bad that happened between us in our relationship. I hate losing people. So I would like to know that, if a relationship were to go south, we could still be friends and our friendship is much stronger than any troubles we face. A break-up would just mean we tried our best to make things work but we weren't compatible or the timing was off. (It's always the timing, dang it!)

When you break up with someone who was never a friend in the first place, you don't have a friendship to go back to. I just can't see myself doing that. When you have such a strong bond together, when you've built something together, when that person is a really good influence on your life, sometimes you should keep their presence in your life. Obviously, breaking up would require some time and space from each other. But it doesn't have to last forever. You can still keep that good influence in your life.

I know that not every relationship that starts as a friendship could return to a friendship. I know circumstances vary. But I would like to know that the possibility is there. Starting off as strangers just makes it seem nearly impossible to retain a friendship afterward. Yeah, some folks should not be friends after they break up. But I can't imagine any relationship of mine ending like that. I would hope I don't date someone who could end up hating me or vice versa.

Another pro for not dating strangers: It feels like I'm less likely to date someone psychotic or abusive. Sometimes, I'm not sure how vulnerable I would be to dating that type of person. Or if I would be able to get myself out of it if that were the case. So as a preventative measure, getting to know a person as well as I can before I decide I would like to explore further options would be best. I've met some very attractive people that I decided to get to know better. And oh dear goodness. The arrogance, the willful ignorance, the stupidity, and the bullshit that has come out of people's mouths... I can't.

When you go on dates with people who don't know you, they're often trying to be on their best behavior to impress you. You don't always get the real, stupid things that are going through their minds until you are nearing or have entered a relationship. Then this is where you feel like you've wasted time and interest. Or you feel like you both have invested enough to give them a pass for the bullshit.

I've realized and come to accept the fact that I'll probably always be the one to pursue someone else. If I'm going to put in all that effort, I want to make damn sure that person is well worth the effort before I take a step in that direction.


You know, I say all this, and I feel like it's the truth for me. But sometimes, I ponder the option of just asking out a stranger. Just to see how that would work out. But I know a part of me is just too afraid to try that. Plus, aesthetically-pleasing strangers really aren't always that attractive... Personality really pulls me in. I've realized this. Recent experiences has proven it to me. So I'll stick with my experience.

Though, who knows? Maybe one day I'll take a risk and try something different. Like Tinder... Hahahahaha maybe not. I have not yet reached that limit.

I just want to get to know someone. I want to feel a connection. One I haven't felt in a long while.

I want to hold someone. Even more so, I want to be held.

But I'm fine waiting. Even if I feel lonely sometimes. Despite the moments of loneliness, I'm actually still pretty happy.

I'm not desperate for a connection. I just think it would be nice to have that in my life.

Yeah, I'm connected to people. Family. Friends. But sometimes I think about how I want more.

I don't know if I'm waiting for it. Or maybe I see potential connections, but I'm just not going after them.

I've always been the person to go after it. To pursue it. I guess I'm kinda tired of having to run after it. Or feeling like I'm the only one who wants it. Like I'm the one who has to prove she's deserving of that connection. Good enough for it.

Or maybe I just put myself into that position. Or that mindset.

I'm tired--that's not the right word, but I can't think of anything better--of being the person who has to convince someone else to give her a chance. I want to be convinced too. I want to know what it feels like to talk to someone who thinks I'm interesting enough to get to know better, who thinks I'm amazing enough to figure out if we vibe well together, and who thinks I'm charming enough to try to convince me to give them a chance.

At least that's what I think, feel, and do when I realize I'm really into someone. I just want to know what it's like from the other end.

But I've settled with the thought that that probably won't happen. It kinda saddens me, but I'm okay with it. I've accepted it.

I'm probably too picky to let that happen anyway :P

The chase is fun sometimes though. At least when I'm less self-conscious and more self-confident >.> It happens haha.

Kina Grannis at the Rickshaw Stop: Awkward and Adorable

It's been a wonderful night...

I bought tickets to Kina's show as soon as I could. 9:05AM on Mother's birthday, right when my first break started. So much excitement. Bought a ticket for myself and another for a friend.

A few days ago, that friend had to cancel because of work. So I asked around on Facebook. Another friend wanted to go and said he was free to go.

Today came. Second friend had to cancel because of work as well. Resort to Facebook again.

Last-minute invites on a Friday night. Never easy. Nobody was free. Decided to sell the extra ticket. I could go alone. I was originally planning to anyway.

Last-minute changes in plan. Ash could go! :D


The bouncer at the club recognized me from Gameboi. Why? Because of my hat of course :P It's always the hat. You know the hat.

Ash tried and failed to take selfies of us XD It's ok. I don't take photos anyway. And we spent a lot of time laughing because we kept overhearing other folks' conversations. The things people say in public... I dunno haha. It's all good though.

Imaginary Future was the opening act. I love his music too. I don't listen to it enough. I should. I was singing along to his songs. He didn't play enough songs.

Maybe it's just me and my perception, but it didn't look like anyone else was singing along with his music >: nor was anyone else singing along with Kina's new songs. I felt like I was the only one. Because I looked around pretty often. People were just standing and listening. I don't think I could do that. I always feel a need to move with the music and sing along. Or maybe hum along.

Oh, and tall people. So many tall people. But it's ok. Their tallness did not impede my ability to enjoy the music haha.

So I was singing along to every song Kina sang :) As soon as her album released this past Tuesday, I started listening to it immediately. Have been listening to it since. I know most if not all the lyrics to her songs. I was compulsive about knowing the lyrics.

In between some songs, Kina gave explanations or backgrounds for certain songs. And I just thought, "Oh hey, I remember her saying this on her album stream." Each time she'd talk about a song, I knew what song she was going to play next XD (I think I'm a little obsessed, but it's healthy, I'm sure.) Her story for "Little Worrier" made me laugh because I could kinda relate. All that worrying builds up, you know. "Forever Blue" got me in the heart space a bit; it just made me think of Earl, Milton, Ton, and Rahul. I thought of family, of my mom losing her father, of loss itself. I feel you, Kina; that song, I feel it.

Her onstage presence was awkwardly adorable. She pointed out all these awkward things about herself, and it just made everyone smile and laugh. I liked that because it shows that she's not just a performer; she's also herself. And that's exactly what I needed to see tonight. At this point in my life. I don't know how to explain it. I just needed to see it for myself.

So I'm pretty sure she played every song on her new album, except I can't remember "Write It in the Sky" at all. Did my brain just completely shut off during that song...? <.<;; It's one of my favorite songs >.< ... Haha what am I saying? They're all my favorites.

Kina had a meet-and-greet at the end of the show, but Ash and I didn't stay. The line was super long. And my foot had started hurting--twisted my ankle on Wednesday while helping Claudia move; darn grass-hidden holes -w-;; I couldn't continue standing any longer. So we left. I was sad, but it's ok.

It's not that I'm missing a chance to meet a celebrity. I don't see her as a celebrity or even a Youtube celebrity. I just see her as someone who seems interesting, talented, and genuine, who found her platform via Youtube. Lucky for us fans that she did find that medium. Anyway, I really just want to meet her in person and give her a hug. Because I have no words to describe or explain how her music resonates with me. I don't want to say cliche things because, while I mean them, they're not the words I'm looking for. They don't really express what I feel. I just want to hug her and hope that that hug translates well how I feel about her and her music.


In conclusion, I just want to meet and get to know genuine people haha. No, no. The conclusion is I think I had a blast tonight and I wish it could have lasted longer. But I am for sure planning to attend the next Kina performance in the Bay Area. And I am determined to meet her. Not for an autograph or a photo. But for that hug. And just to know people like her exist and I can meet them.

Interest can be reciprocated.

This past Friday night, I was hanging out with my friend Vivi and catching up. She's been in Portland for almost a year now. Crazy how fast that passed.

Hung out until 1 or 2 in the morning just talking about a bunch of different things.

At some point in our conversation, I decided to reveal to her that I used to be interested in her. I kinda just threw it into the conversation. Well, I mean, there was a point to it. I was talking about how my first crush was on someone I barely knew and how it affected me and my future romantic interests. I find people attractive or cute, but I don't pursue anything unless we become friends first and I get to know them well enough. Basically, every serious interest I've had has been in someone who was a good friend.

I was listing examples of my former romantic interests. And I tried to add her into the list nonchalantly. I think I lingered on it though haha. When I finished the list, it was quiet for a moment. I didn't really think in that moment. Vivi asked me if I felt awkward, and I said yes. She asked why I felt awkward, and I smiled and shrugged. She then said that it was funny because she was interested in me around the same time.

I blanked for a second, and then an incredulous "What?" came out of my mouth haha. I didn't really ask anything about it. I wasn't sure what to ask. Now, I know what I want to ask, but she's back in Portland :P Next time we talk, I'll ask. When exactly? For how long? Etc. Just some details to maybe fluff up my ego haha.

If I had known this back then, I might have made the foolish decision to ask her out or something. But I know, looking back, I wasn't ready. She most likely wasn't either. Both of us had baggage we were incapable of letting go. I could see that then too, but I might have ignored it if I had known.

I'm glad the awkward moment only lasted a moment XD Glad we could carry on like we usually do. It was good haha. Just thought this was something interesting to share.

Now, I'm just a tiny bit more convinced that a person I like could like me as much. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to ask someone out, after I got to know them as a friend first, of course :P I might not get rejected XD Confidence up by 5% hahaha.

Awkward isn't really awkward.

Situations aren't always as awkward as I think they are. I know it. Sometimes, the situation is just "normal" and forgettable; in my head, it feels so awkward and becomes forever ingrained in my memory. But I've brought up these moments I've had with people, and they usually don't know or remember what I'm talking about--the few times people remember it, they said it was adorably awkward, or something to that effect >.<;; to which I don't even know how to respond o_o

The funny thing is it's only when I bring it up that I let go of that weird moment in time. If I never bring it up, I just keep thinking about it. I guess it's like getting closure when I do bring these moments up haha.

I think I'm getting more comfortable with people, therefore less awkward with them. I hope so. I think it's just the people I want to impress that make me fear awkwardness. But who do I want to impress nowadays? I suppose there's a person here and there.

I pay too much attention to what I'm (not) doing or saying when I'm around someone I don't know that well (but would like to get to know better). I notice that I feel like I'm staring too much at them, and they might think it's weird I'm staring; so I constantly avert my eyes. But then I realize I'm not looking at them enough, which might seem like I'm rude or I don't really care about them; so I try to look at them more. It's like a tug-o-war in my brain, trying to figure out how much attention I should pay to a person. I feel like whether I look at someone for too long or not long enough, it just makes me feel nervous. Like that person is judging me because I don't know how much I should look at them. Really, I know I'm judging myself for some stupid reason.

Long story short: I'm mentally stuck in high school.

Seriously, I'm trying to remind myself that I am no longer in high school and to remember that I am an adult. I should take on social relationships like a mature adult should. If I want to get to know someone better, I shouldn't wait for opportunities to talk to them. I should make an opportunity to talk to them.

But when I do, I just feel that awkward and self-conscious feeling wanting to creep in. Even though, I know everything I'm doing and saying is fine. "Normal."

I've also learned to embrace whatever awkwardness I create. Sometimes, I forget that I learned it. But I live in it. Might as well embrace it. Eventually, it just stops being awkward. It's working so far. At least with people I've gotten to know well enough. But I think that's the case for everyone, yeah?

Yeah, I'm thinking too much. Incoherent thoughts again.


Let's start over: I don't like or dislike awkward moments. They're just there, and I'm okay with that. But because they are there, I think about them more frequently than I should. But I've also gotten used to them and haven't made an effort to reduce the probability of them occurring. So what do I really think of awkward situations?

Actually, I don't even think of them too much anymore. Just right now, they're a prominent topic in my brain for no apparent reason. Okay, maybe it's an apparent reason. Meh.


Haha this really wasn't even about awkwardness. I just rambled about nothing. Just felt like blogging. It's been too long. Hopefully, I'll mention something of substance soon.

Trainer.

I am the new trainer at work. Yay! I won't be doing a bunch of grunt work for much longer :P

I had applied and interviewed for team lead just before NYE but didn't get it. My coworker Sandra did. I was actually pretty happy about that. I didn't really want to be lead. Some of my other coworkers were disappointed I didn't get it, but I was just ecstatic that I wasn't chosen for lead haha. Realized the job descriptiong didn't quite appeal to me enough.

Trainer, however, fits me, as far as I can tell. I don't have to write people up. I don't have to monitor them. But I do get to check their progress and help them improve. And I get to learn every single task that the company throws at us haha.

I didn't have to do another interview for the trainer position, since I had already done an interview for the team lead position. Somehow, I was chosen for trainer. The supervisors called me into the office and offered me the job. I was in shock. A part of me was surprised; but another part of me wasn't. I know the leads and the current trainer have been encouraging me to apply for all the open positions. So I know they put in some good words for me.

But yeah, I'm pretty happy. I'll start learning the ropes tomorrow. And gotta absorb as much as I can in the next three weeks because the current trainer, Vinse, is leaving. This is quite exciting. I was asked to keep this quiet until all the other candidates were notified of the decision. So I just shrugged at my coworkers when they asked. I said, "We'll all know tomorrow." But I want to mark this day, so I'm blogging about it haha. I feel kinda accomplished :) It's pretty good.

2014 is starting off well. Life is going well :)

Now, I just need to work on my ability to talk to people. Especially attractive people ahahaha :P Cute coworker that I've been wanting to get to know and talk to but having a hard time thinking of things to say to yet still saying stupid stuff to. Except I'm already kinda over the whole she's-so-cute thing. I mean, I still think she's cute. But now I'm just like, "Whatever. I'm cool." I think it's because of the fact that we haven't really talked. Not getting to know a person really turns me off of them pretty quickly, I realize haha. Especially if it feels like they don't put in any effort to get to know me or just talk to me.

I should just ask people straight up if they find me annoying or if they would like me to leave them alone. I don't know if anyone would be that honest with me though. I'm usually pretty upfront with people about that stuff. But I give people a chance to prove me wrong before I'm that honest with them haha. And usually I stop finding people annoying after I get to know them better. I actually told one of my coworkers today that I initially thought he was annoying because he talked too much; and after getting to know him better, I thought he could be pretty chill. Yay for being honest, yeah?

Anyway, yeah, random. Good day though haha.

Latent Grief

"We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad." -John Green

Most days, I think my grief over the death of a friend is done. Gone. Finished.

Then it comes back and slams me right in the chest. And I lose my breath. And I can't think about anything other than the pain in my chest and what caused it. I think about how I could have prevented it. If I could have seen it coming, maybe I would have dodged it or at least braced myself for it.

Today, I didn't see it coming. Work was going so well. I was talking to my coworkers. Smiling. Dancing. Having a good start to the day. Then I had time to myself to think. My work gives me a lot of opportunity to stand there and think about other things. So my thoughts wandered.

The airplane with the members of the Smith family that went missing was found this past Friday. Report said they died a quick death. All I could think was, "I can't imagine what it's like to lose my family like that. To wonder for weeks if they're alive or hurt or starving, only to eventually find out they died." But I guess it's good to have that closure. Closure is soothing.

But then all I could think was they (the rest of the family) didn't get to say goodbye. You never get to say goodbye.

And I thought about the folks I never got to say goodbye to. I don't want to say goodbye. I still talk to them occasionally. But most days, I don't think about them. I'm trying to move forward and not cling to the past. But sometimes, I just want to be stuck in those memories. Memories of Earl, Milton, Ton, and Rahul. They passed so recently; yet, my memories of them are already getting fuzzy. I'm afraid I'll forget them. I'm afraid I'll lose them for good.

Some part of me wants to ask them for forgiveness. But I don't know what for. Well, I know I can't do anything to change their deaths. I know I couldn't have done anything to make the past different. But I still wish I could have been better, and maybe things would have turned out differently, better for them.

I know. I know what I'm doing right now. I know what I've been doing all day. And I know I shouldn't. But I'm doing it anyway. I'm making myself feel responsible for something I couldn't control. I can't control life. I can't control others' lives. Fuck though, I wish I could change something.

I have this fear. It's not really a fear. It's really just a thought. A negative one. But Ton and Rahul died. Both members of the original Q&A family. Ton died almost two years ago. Rahul died last year. It's irrational, I know, but I worry there could be a third this year.

I have friends I worry about. But I don't know if I can be the support they need to get through their hard times. It scares me. Because they have so much promise. And so much potential that could go in any direction. I don't know if I could handle another death.

Death is a part of life. I understand that. I accept that. I do. But sometimes, I just want to fight that reality. Beat it back just for a while. Just believe that death doesn't exist; it can't possibly happen. Yet, it's real; it's felt; it's a part of my history now. As I get older, death will write itself more often into my history. I just hope I can handle it. Especially when it comes to those closest to me. I know my parents will die, but I'm hoping that won't happen for at least another thirty years. I'm hoping Brother makes it to his daughter's wedding day haha and maybe even his first grandchild's eighteenth birthday. Shiva and Harrison, you're both making it to at least 80 with me; you promised. Miah, I hope, will live a long, fulfilling, and happy life. If anything were to ever happen to her, I would die inside or go crazy.

There were so many thoughts flying around my head at work today. I couldn't talk to anybody. I felt like an idiot for being so sad at work, for worrying a couple of folks there. I just couldn't stop thinking. Couldn't stop feeling so sad and so angry at life for what it does to people. At myself for feeling any of this, for not being able to just think about something else and be happy.

But I know that, today, I just needed to be sad. I also needed to be alone. Not the best day to be at work. But it's ok. The day has passed. And I'm feeling better now that I've been home alone.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm sure of it.

Angry. What the FUCK?! Rape is rape. Whether the victim was under the influence of anything or not, he or she should not be raped. Whether the perpetrator was under the influence of anything or not, he or she should not rape. Plain and fucking simple.

It doesn't matter what age you are; at any age, you should know taking advantage of other people in any way is wrong. We can argue about moral relativism or whatever. But in our fucking world, rape is wrong, end of story. When is rape ever right, ok, or excusable? How can any rational, caring human being be capable of defending and/or excusing a rapist's actions and disregarding the victim's hardships?

AAAHHHH!! I'm so angry right now. I'm raging at the fact that there are people in this world that think some rapists should be forgiven so quickly because of the circumstances of the rape, including the rapists' age. It shouldn't matter what the circumstances are. The only facts that matter are that there are victims, there are rapists, and we only need to punish one party. That we, as a society, get confused about whether to punish the rapists or the victims just pisses me off so much.

I'm so angry I want to cry.