I'm digging a Facebook grave...

So I was recently on a two-week Facebook hiatus. It was nice. I became much more socially withdrawn haha, but I was happy. No triggers. Few people talked to me, and I talked to few people. It was really nice. I had more time for myself, instead spending it staring at my newsfeed.

Yesterday night, I logged in. Sixteen notifications were waiting for me. Only half of them actually had anything to do directly with me. And four of those were redundant notifications about someone posting a photo about me and someone else liking that photo or liking my latest status. All the other notifications were event invites; I missed two events /: That made me sad. I completely forgot about one of those events. So sad. But it's ok; I spent yesterday hiking with Vivi instead of going to the party I missed, so it was worth it.

After responding to and liking a few things, I decided that my life feels good without Facebook. It's nice to stay connected with friends, but I'm not that connected to most people on Facebook. I spend most of my time looking at my news feed, trying to absorb the details (I'm compulsive in that way), instead of actually communicating with friends. I tried the whole commenting on people's statuses to communicate with them, but I really prefer having an actual conversation no matter how rarely it happens. The few people to whom I am very close call or talk to me in person when they need talk to me. They don't use Facebook to tell me urgent things. This can apply to everyone I know. I'm going to make it apply to everyone I know.

So I'm weaning off Facebook. Really, this time, I mean it. I like not being constantly updated about other people's lives. It confuses me about whose lives I know about. I'm sure I'm going to occasionally be anxious about what I'm missing out on, but I know I survived life without Facebook before it came into being.

If anyone wants to reach me, I left a nice status with a list of various means of communication.

I'm simplifying my lifestyle... That's the best way I can put it. I like simple. One could argue Facebook is simple because it aggregates all of your friends on one website. But that's not simple to me. There are levels of friendship, and most of my Facebook friends are not on the top levels. My closest friends talk to me face-to-face or via phone. My less close friends occasionally like my status, respond to my messages, and comment on my page or photos. My least close friends don't reply to my Facebook comments. Ever. The least close friends are connected to me because we've met at least once and Facebook says we know each other.

It's nice to be connected and to reconnect. But I would like to let life filter my friendships naturally. I'm hanging on to friends who don't talk to me but constantly wish to add me on Facebook.

And really, leaving Facebook isn't a big deal. Most people won't notice, unless they decide they want to talk to me. But hey, if they want to talk to me, like I said, I made a nice list of media through which communication  may occur. The friends who talk to me like they always do don't need to worry about my leaving Facebook. The friends who don't talk to me often will have to decide if they want to talk to me and make an effort to do so.

I, on the other hand, am honestly content not talking to most people. We can occasionally catch up, and I'll be happy with that. The constant bombardment of updates, however, is not my cup of tea. Reminders of how I don't talk to most friends don't sit well with me either. I guess I'm maintaining my "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. With Facebook out of the way, I won't fret about the numerous friends who are actually more like acquaintances. Or sadly, friends who become acquaintances. Instead, I can do what I've wanted to do: Let my friendships go wherever they go and be happy with what has taken place. If friendships fade away, they fade away. I can let go of those.

If I want to reconnect, I will find a way to reconnect. Or let life give me a way to reconnect. Facebook was once that way of reconnection, and that was great. I thank Facebook (and Myspace) for helping me reconnect with childhood friends, but Facebook has done all it can for me in that department.


Hmm, this probably says a lot about me and how I handle friendships more than anything else. I'm rationalizing leaving Facebook. I like it, but I'm dependent on it for human connection. And that's just not how I want to live. I'm leaving Facebook, so I can be a better, closer friend to some people, instead of being "that one friend" to so many people on Facebook.

Remember that question about whether you would prefer to have a few close friends or a lot of not-so-close friends? This is my answer: A few close friends I can feel personally connected to. And the few friends I've chosen to be close to don't need Facebook to keep our friendship.

All of the other amazing friends I have that I really only talk to through Facebook... I love you, but there's more to communication than Facebook.


Maybe it's just me, but I feel like this whole thing is a part of my recent need to clean out parts of my life. I've been getting rid of clothes, school memorabilia, papers, and a lot of other fond-memory-related things. Mainly because I don't need them. But also because they cluttered my room and reminded me of the past. My way of holding on to the past was through keepsakes. It made me feel good to let go of the things that I gave or threw away. There's still more I could do without, except I'm sure at some point my mom will yell at me for not keeping them. She's already done that because I got rid of so many articles of clothing.


Simplify. Simple living. That's what I want. Also, to do things I've been afraid to do. Like throwing out "memories." I'm holding on to some memories. But I can't hold on to everything. I need to get that engrained in my brain.


Blah. Rambling.


Wow. Just realized we're halfway through July... Whaaat?

I'm starting to remember my dreams...

Well, I remembered them the past few days when I woke up.

Today's dream involved the person who isn't talking to me right now (I'll call her Person). We were at the center, sitting next to each other (I was on her right) on the white couch with the brown cover. She was talking to everyone else but me. I just listened and nodded along with the conversation. Suddenly, Person said something to me. I was shocked, except I couldn't hear through my left ear. So I turned my head and asked her to repeat. She was laughed when she said it, and I got upset.

I woke up to my parents talking in the next room. It soon turned into an argument. I listened. What my dad said made sense. What my mom said didn't. She proceeded to deride his argument, essentially told him he was stupid for not seeing how she saw things, and shut him out. Reminiscent of "I don't have to listen to you if I don't like what I'm hearing."

I lay in bed and contemplated my dream and the argument happening next to my room. The first thought that hit me was "Person reminds me of my mom." Not that my parents' argument reminded me of the situation with Person, even though the situation with Person occurred way before this recent argument between my parents.

So I think I get it now. I get why I am still so angry with Person about the situation we're in. Even almost two weeks later. She doesn't act exactly like my mom, but her actions remind me of what I dislike in my mom.

They both stop listening when the conversation isn't favorable to them. They shut people up and shut them out. My mom yells and/or gives the silent treatment. More often than not, she yells and rants for hours and hours. But she does give the silent treatment, which isn't any better or worse than her yelling. Either way, I can't tolerate her attitude and her treatment of me. Person, on the other hand, is giving me the silent treatment. Granted, I told her she didn't have to talk to me. But I also told her I wanted us to talk but I would wait for her to talk to me. Despite what I said, I still hoped that she would've talked to me anyway. But no, she said she needed her distance from me. (Maybe this is a self-serving thought, but if anyone should take distance from someone, it should have been me getting my space from her)

I was ok with her getting her space until she started posting her Facebook statuses about me again. Well, not about me. She talked at me, but not to or with me. And this is just like my mom, even if it's not as aggressive as my mom's words. It still hurts. I am still a target. I would prefer if Person wrote those statuses, copied and pasted them into a Facebook message, and sent them to me. But alas, she wants to ignore me. Yet, this isn't ignoring, is it?

Ugh. I should just send her one more message to let her know what I've been thinking. Except that wouldn't be respecting her need for space from me. But this isn't taking space away to think of what she can say to me. She's made it pretty clear in her statuses that she won't try to talk to me. And that's what hurts. That's what hurt the first time; she didn't talk to me. I told her that. And now she's doing it again, and she thinks it's supposed to help me. How is repeating how you hurt me the first time any better the second time?

I'm not going to send her a message because I don't want to tell her what to do. She needs to grow up and talk to me. And be honest while she's talking to me. If she tells me she can't be honest with me, then we can't be friends. Because honest friends are the only ones I want.

I generally don't have any criteria for my friends, but here are some basics I should state: You should be somewhat nice. You definitely should be honest, especially about any problems you have with me. Don't lie to me about things I should know! You should be as blunt as you can be with me. You don't give up on our friendship at the first sign of trouble.

I don't want to bring this up anymore. I know this will eventually blow over whether she talks to me again. Right now, we're not friends. I'm hoping she'll give our friendship another chance, but she has to work for it too. She has to take the first step to rebuild our friendship. I took the first step in improving our friendship when I offered a chance to talk about our problems. She refused, and she left me hanging. So our next conversation, if there is to be one, is about how to become friends again.

Waiting, waiting...