Was I lazy? Am I lazy?

I grew up believing I was just an extremely lazy person. Even though many friends and strangers told me I was smart and had so much potential, I never believed it because I was never proactive about my future. I watched many friends develop career goals and make moves to achieve those goals, and I am super proud all of of them. I wanted to aspire to be like them, but I just never acted. I didn't know how to find motivation or direction.

My mom frequently called me lazy because she would catch me during my breaks from my homework assignments. She called me lazy because I didn't do more in my free time. The irony of the previous statement is my mom didn't allow me to do extracurricular activities for most of my teen years; I always had to go home after school and not go outside unless it was to accompany her somewhere. So I stayed home, did homework, read books, listened to music, watched TV, and surfed the Internet. When I was feeling brave, I'd ask my mom if I could go to the movies, a birthday party, or a school play. I sometimes had to deal with her anger before she'd finally say yes, probably because she saw how much I wanted to go or how sad I looked.

It was only in my junior year of high school when one of my classes had an extra requirement to choose between joining our school's Model UN club or doing something else. I chose the MUN club and told my mom it was a requirement, and she begrudgingly allowed me to stay after school once a week so that I could attend the meetings and do research. And she had to let me stay on the days where we had mock trials or went to actual MUN conferences. In my senior year, I lied about having to continue being in the club as a requirement for class. Instead, I just joined the club because I wanted to and my friends were still a part of it. I had to lie so that I could do things after school at school.

Also, during my senior year, I was in our ASB elective class; so I was allowed to stay after school frequently to help prep for school events. The upside of my mom not being very involved in my education, aside from confirming that I had straight A's, was that I could choose my classes without her input. The decision to join ASB was intentional. I wanted to be involved in school and in the things that my friends were doing. (I think this is partially the reason why I have fond memories of my school years; school was the only place for me to connect with anyone.)

Looking back, I know I wasn't any lazier than the average teen was. If I wanted to do something school-related or otherwise, I did it, if I was allowed or lied my way into it. I'm not trying to blame my mom. I know she worried about me falling in with the wrong crowds if she let me do what I wanted, and she had a very narrow view of what success and security meant for a teenager. But because of her trying to control my life, I wasn't allowed to explore many options. I felt trapped into doing what I thought my mom wanted me to do (get good grades) while never actually finding a direction for my future. So I just didn't do anything when I was home.

Anyway, as an adult, I learned to acknowledge that I was not lazy, at least not always or not as frequently as my mom claimed. I was definitely directionless and apathetic, but I was likely dealing with undiagnosed depression as a teen. The thought of that possibility had passed through my brain several times ever since I had learned what depression was at age 13, but I always told myself there were people out there with worse problems; I didn't even know what my problem was. And I had friends who cut themselves. Obviously, compared to them, my problems weren't that bad. My suicidal ideation wasn't a problem because I never actively took steps to harm or kill myself. I just felt conflicting emotions; there was inner turmoil, apathy, longing, rage, and disconnectedness. The consistent thought was "If I wasn't alive, I wouldn't have to feel this anymore, and I wouldn't continue disappointing my family."

I didn't fully prepare for college because I didn't think I was going to be alive by the time I was 18. I did the minimum of applying for universities that didn't require an essay. "Why put in all that effort if I might not be alive to attend?" I didn't have active plans to end my life. I just didn't see a future with myself in it.

I'm well past my teens, but I only started to acknowledge my depression in my mid 20's. Therapy didn't happen until I was almost 29 and in a crisis. Anxiety, depression, PTSD. I got better. I am better now. I still struggle. I stopped going to therapy earlier this year because I moved out of state and my therapist isn't licensed outside of California. I haven't tried to find a new therapist yet because I don't want to jump into online therapy with a new person and therapy is so damn expensive. I've had brief moments of questioning how I'm going to survive life without therapy. I'm really glad they're brief. I'm still alive haha.

All right, I went on some tangents away from where this post started.

Recently, I have felt very lazy toward work. I mean I still do the work, but I don't want to do it. So I guess the better description would be "I feel unmotivated at work." But I categorize that under laziness out of habit. I talked to some coworkers about how I was feeling, and they said they were feeling the same way. They pointed out that I just switched to another team and had been training new hires, helping with documentation, kicking off a side project, and answering a steady stream of questions from various teams; it was okay to feel overworked and overwhelmed. And they called what I was feeling "burnout," which set off the alarms in my head. "Oh yeah, I'm experiencing burnout." I used to feel it every six months or so because it would go away after a short vacation. Now, it feels like I experience it all the time no matter if I take a day or a week off from work. Probably because I know, when I return to work, there's a pile of emails, questions, and issues to deal with.

So I was asking myself why I was calling myself lazy instead of saying I was dealing with stress and burnout. Partly, I compare myself with other people and see them pushing past their stress to get things done, while I feel like I don't do that. But I also realized, when I call myself lazy, I hear my mom's voice, saying "quá lười" (too lazy). I don't give myself the same emotional support I give my friends when they share similar feelings. I tell my friends they deserve to take breaks and what they do is enough or more than enough. I don't always feel the same way about my efforts because my job title isn't as great or high as my friends' job titles are, even if the stress may sometimes be on par.

I spend more energy believing I'm lazy than acknowledging when I'm putting in work. It's hard to break out of the habit of calling myself lazy, even while I am making an effort to get things done.

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The purpose of this whole thought dump was to say: I label my handling of stress, anxiety, and depression as laziness. And I've learned the voice in my head that calls me lazy actually belongs to my mom. I don't think anyone else in my entire life has ever seriously described me as lazy. Yet, that's the first descriptor I use for myself.

I probably should go back to therapy sometime to work through this. My therapy sessions in California left off on my dubious sense of motivation, agency, and planning. I've been unable to plan very far ahead because I still don't see the future with me in it. Not like I want to die. But I just can't actively see myself in the future. I don't know what I want. I'm so used to doing things with other people's goals in mind; I don't have any longterm goals other than to survive.

Tbh, moving out of California was probably the biggest decision I've ever made in my life, and I did it. Granted, I still kinda looked for my mom's approval before I did it (old habits die hard). Anyway, I think moving out of state definitely disqualifies me from being a lazy person haha. At the beginning of January, I suddenly made the decision to move with one of my closest friends; by the beginning of March, for the first time in my life, I was no longer a resident of California.

Cognitively, I know I'm not a lazy person, but I can't help but feel that I am one anyway. Despite all the effort I put into doing anything, I feel lazy. It's frustrating that I won't believe otherwise haha.

Still anxious and lonely in 2020

People have been saying that 2020 has been an apocalyptic year. Australian bushfires, COVID-19 pandemic, recession and stock market crash, Black Lives Matter, murder hornets, hurricanes, three of the largest US West Coast fires. Plus, we're hearing more about human rights violations and atrocities around the world (e.g. government responses to BLM, Uyghurs in China, Hong Kong protests and security law).

It's weird that we react like this stuff was only happening this year. Everything happening now is a consequence of everything happening before it.

Thinking about the world and the state that it's in, I can't help but think we were already and always in this situation. Being stuck at home with less to do just means it may be harder to distract ourselves from the world. Some folks are reinvigorated in their actions to promote some kind of change in response to what's happening now. Some people want everything to go back to the way it was before 2020, but doesn't that just mean the events of 2020 would repeat itself? Or maybe no matter what we do now, history will repeat itself anyway; so what's the point?

I think the point is that we at least tried to make things better. Change something, even if it's small, because we know something wasn't working before.

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The world makes me anxious. The news makes me anxious. My thoughts make me anxious. My anxiety has been manageable.

I'm still talking to my therapist. Thank all of the intelligent thinkers and inventors who paved the way for video conferencing. Thank humanity for developing psychotherapy to help itself.

I won't lie though. Sometimes, therapy makes me anxious too. Like I learn or discover things about myself that I thought I already knew or had already ruled out, and they just hit me harder than I would have expected; and I just feel frozen. How do I face these discoveries? How do I address them? How did I miss them? How did I overlook them? How did I misinterpret them? It's a spiraling path of thought.

At this time, I'm facing my loneliness again. It's something I have acknowledged before and proactively worked at. Learning how to be okay by myself and not seeking others to distract myself from loneliness. But now, it seems I've gone to the far end of passively isolating myself (again). I still talk to my friends through group chats, but that's limited in itself. And when I have difficult moments that I struggle through, I reach out to them. But not always. Do I not trust my friends enough to reach out to them every time I'm struggling? I know I trust my friends. I guess maybe I worry that my friends will get tired of having to help me, even though I know through experience that they will always find a way to help me and to be there to support me. And that's all I ever really ask of them. Maybe internally, I'm hoping for someone to magically take away the erratic thoughts and feelings, even though I know I'm the only one who can make a difference in my actual mind. My friends can only do so much from where they are; they can't go into my head and change anything. So maybe it's not an issue of trust; maybe it's my unrealistic expectations. I know the limits of what my friends can do for me, but I still want more because I'm not sure I can do enough for myself.

I still don't trust myself. I don't believe in my own strength. Or I do believe; it's just not a consistent belief. I forget what I'm capable of. I've brought myself out of dark places. I've risen up from rock bottom multiple times. Even if it felt temporary, I've been capable and strong enough.

A moment of weakness is really a moment of strength because you fight for the next moment. If you can look back on that difficult moment, that means you had the strength to make it to the next moment.

I tell my friends that because I truly believe it for them. I want to believe it for myself.

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I still have moments where the symptoms of anxiety suddenly appear out of nowhere. But I know they're not out of nowhere. I have to consciously focus on the triggers and acknowledge they just happen; don't let my brain believe in any non sequitur thoughts. Those long moments of random fireworks shooting in September don't mean anything, except people celebrating Labor Day; I'm not in any moment other than that; I'm not having a panic attack during the EDC fireworks. The sudden icy cold feeling on my skin is just my body sweating in reaction to something that I'm not consciously aware of yet; I'm not disappearing from reality. My current experiences of anxiety are just a lot of talking myself down from these intense and irrational what-if's.

I miss being able to listen to music and not worrying about if the music will trigger something. I have to actively choose the difficult music to listen to and walk myself through the music. Last year, I had to stop listening to a lot of my favorite music (Rezz, Kaskade, Sasha Sloan) because they kept triggering weird fears and memories of trips. But I'm back to listening to most of my favorite artists again. I haven't listened to Rezz's EDC 2019 set yet though. That's still the one that I'm unsure of because my panic attack started during that set. But I was able to listen to her Room Service set back in April. I meant to listen to the EDC set soon after, but I kinda have been avoiding it. Need to be brave. Sometimes, listening to a random artist still triggers some fear (reality suddenly feels unreal). My initial reaction is always to turn the music off, but I'm trying to get myself to just sit in the discomfort a bit and remind myself that it's just music. Reality isn't changing; my anxiety is affecting my perception of reality; it is what it is; just let it be.

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2020 has been a year. Not the worst for myself; 2019 was the terrifying one for me, but 2020 has given me some things to think about. It has amplified the loneliness that I thought I was managing okay. How do I address the loneliness without simply ignoring it or distracting myself from it? I'm still trying to figure that out. My anxiety is better than it was a year ago, but it's still there. I question why it's still there. Why can't I let it go? Why do I feel like I'm holding onto my anxiety?

Maybe I need to go skydiving and face my mortality again haha.

2019 has been a challenging year

Well, I accidentally deleted my original draft for this post. That sucks.

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2019 started off well enough. I went to a couple of events and hung out with friends. I went to Gameboi in February. To be honest though, I don't really remember the beginning of this year all that well. My focus this year was on my anxiety, my fears, my health, and my relationships.

2019 shoved me to the ground and kicked me to the point that I didn't know if I was going to survive. My mind has been in dark places before, but this year found me in some of the darkest and craziest. I felt like I was losing my mind and myself. I didn't know if I would ever find my way back to normalcy. Everything felt like an endless maze that kept shifting every time I thought I was on the right track.

I used to want to escape from real life. The party life used to help me do that. Now, I don't want to escape anymore. I want to be present and to face life, but my mind keeps trying to go off into some other place I don't want to be. It happens when I expect it to; it happens when I don't expect it to. It has been a struggle. I've cried, I've hid, I've prayed, and I've frozen in fear. I've hated myself for the choices I made that led me to this point of my life.

Now, I don't hate myself. I still cry. I still pray. I try my best not to freeze when I'm scared. I'm practicing having compassion for myself. Not always successful, but I'm not so hard on myself for continuing to struggle with my thoughts and feelings. I'm not as afraid of being alone. I still struggle to fall asleep, but it's getting a little easier to fall asleep every night. I have some safety measures in place in case I start to panic, but I haven't had a strong need to use any of them in a while. It's just nice to know they're there.

I'm grateful for my friends and coworkers who've become good friends. They've given me their time, warmth, and lessons. I'm blessed to know I have their support in my darkest moments. Who knows if and how I would have survived this year without these thoughtful and caring people (and therapy)?

Therapy has opened my eyes to a lot of the issues and obsessions I've had in my life. I've grown so accustomed to them that I didn't even realize they were problems. Or if I did realize, I kinda just let myself forget about them until they built up into an uncontrollable mess that got exacerbated by my partying ways.

Talking things out with my therapist and my friends has helped a lot. Steady pressure relief. It's nice. My sense of hope has returned. I'm trying to hold on to it and do things to help it grow. I'm trying to get myself to go out a little more again. For a while, I couldn't watch movies because of my overactive imagination. I've gone to see Last Christmas, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, and Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Funny thing is the movie about Mr. Rogers probably freaked me out the most because of its realistic nature and a dream sequence it has; too reminiscent of some experiences for me.

Anyway, 2019 has led me down a foreign yet familiar path. I've had to deal with emotions and things I can't really explain, but I'm fortunate to have friends, who don't fully understand what's going on, stand beside me while I figure myself out and make changes to improve my situation. I'm relearning lessons and learning new lessons; hopefully, this time, I really keep these lessons with me and don't make the same mistakes in the future; and if I do, I hope I'm developing the strength to keep pushing myself to do better and not to feel sorry for myself.

I'm planning for a future that was always blurry to me. It still is blurry, but I'm hoping it gets clearer.

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I'm going into 2020 with some hope and plenty of friends. Hoping I'll turn hindsight into foresight. Hope into action haha.

I don't have any set plans yet. But I want to make 2020 a good year. I don't want to fuck things up again. I don't want to scare the people who care about me. I want to make better decisions. I want to take smarter risks and to take better care of myself.

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I wanted to go into more detail about this year, but accidentally deleting the draft just made me realize I don't need to focus on all of the details. I just want to focus on the journey and the progress of how I'm feeling.

Today, I feel better. And I know I can feel even better in the future. I just gotta keep putting in the effort.

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Thank you, friends, for holding my hand, holding me, and loving me when I couldn't do anything for myself. Thank you for all the goodness and strength you've shared with me. Thank you for reflecting all my goodness and strength that I couldn't see on my own.

Struggles: Depression, Anxiety, Panic. Solution: Self-care, Connection, Trust

A reminder to myself: Add good into the world, even if you don't think good will come out of it.

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I have dealt with depression since I was a teenager. Undiagnosed until recently. I used to tell myself that I wasn’t depressed because someone else definitely has it way worse. But on some level, I knew. I have had days where I just could not get out of bed and I let life pass me by. I didn’t reach out to anyone, even when I couldn’t bare to be alone.

I felt apathetic toward myself. I didn't want to try at anything. If I did try and succeed at something, I didn't think I deserved it. I didn't know how to use my little successes to propel me forward. I just did enough to get through each day. I didn't know how to look forward to the future. I was in this depressive murk for years, and I became so used to it. I didn't know what life looked like outside of this murky lens.

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Looking back, I know I've always been an anxious person. I just didn't know that I was dealing with anxiety. I thought my worries and fears were normal. Who wouldn't be afraid of someone breaking into their home? Who wouldn't be worried about the car that has been trailing behind them for several blocks? Who wouldn't be scared of the next mass shooting?

For me, my worries and fears led to some obsessive and compulsive behaviors. Whenever I go on vacation or to a show or just do something new, I always worry that something terrible or catastrophic will happen, especially to my family, while I'm out having fun. Maybe as a punishment for having too much fun. When I start worrying about something like this, I start praying internally. I repeat the prayer until it feels right, until I think I mean it enough.

I've been able to get through life, even with all these thoughts crowding in. I've been able to ignore the thoughts on most days. But they always come back when I'm alone. The overthinker in me rules much of my life. I've managed to pass myself off as a very laidback person, but I'm such an intense overthinker on the inside.

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I've had several panic attacks over the past two years. Most of them were triggered by my own irresponsible and reckless decisions (read: alcohol and drugs like LSD). I had been warned, but I thought I could handle the consequences of my decisions. I thought, because I had made so much progress on my self-improvement, I could handle some recklessness. And I was okay for a while. But I went overboard or just overestimated my capabilities, and now I'm facing the consequences.

I had a couple of panic attacks in March, April, and June 2017 and near-attacks afterward. I think one of these attacks was triggered by excessive sugar intake. I struggled for a couple of months to find normalcy. I found it. Then I had another panic attack in October 2017 after a show; this was triggered by excessive amounts of caffeine. Again, I struggled for normalcy. My next major panic attack occurred in January 2018. It was after work and after too much THC.

Because of the 2018 panic attack, I decided to cut back on just about everything. I went through the rest of the year feeling better. Some anxiety, but no panic attacks. I felt really good and proud of myself.

2019 started off really well. I was going out and making plans. Then I overestimated myself again. I triggered another panic attack in April because of THC. It wasn't the worst. My friends were there to support me and help me stay grounded. A month later, my stupid decisions caused another panic attack while I was at EDC day two. First and last time trying coke, last time taking MDMA. This was probably the worst panic attack I had ever had. It still affects me now. I've had multiple actual and near panic attacks since May. Sometimes multiple within the same day. I can't listen to much EDM anymore. Certain lighting, certain sounds/music, certain physical sensations (wind), just anything that reminded me of the circumstances during my attack at EDC; it all would trigger high anxiety or panic attacks. My heart races, my muscles tense, I sweat, my skin tingles uncomfortably, my mind races through all these terrifying what-ifs about reality, I feel myself literally coming apart, and everything feels unreal and disconnected. I honestly didn't know how I was getting through these attacks. I just know I've gotten through them. I also know I scare myself about having another panic attack. Panicking about panic (and losing reality), ridiculous but real, terrifying.

I haven't been getting enough sleep because I'm too anxious to fall asleep. I have to leave YouTube videos playing for me to fall asleep. I wake up a lot during the night. My room is too hot at night, partially because of me leaving my laptop on all night. Also because I close my bedroom window. I've been overly sensitive to external stimuli for the past two months. It's ridiculous, but I hyper-focus on unfamiliar sounds and movements, especially when I'm exhausted. So I'm just trying to reduce my triggers.

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I started being honest with my friends about my depression years ago; recently, I started being honest about my battle with anxiety and panic attacks. I somehow managed to develop strong relationship with many extremely supportive friends. We've learned how to communicate and to listen. Even many of my acquaintances have listened to me talk about my struggles and my triumphs and shared their own stories. I have a community I can rely on. This community has helped me find my strength time and time again. When I forget my strength, my successes, and the good I've tried to add into the world, these loving people remind me. When I don't believe in any of it, they believe for me and encourage me to believe in all of it.

I started seeing a psychotherapist/psychiatrist at the beginning of July. I don't know if it's helping me, but I don't think it's hurting me. The doctor has helped me unearth some baggage I didn't realize I had, or rather baggage that I thought I had already dealt with. He has explained some therapeutic techniques to practice in my everyday life; they're meant to help me calm and retrain my brain to better handle anxiety and panic attacks. He has also suggested that I start taking an antidepressant. I'm hesitant. I worry about side effects, dependency, and effectiveness. I know medication can help some people. I know it could help me, but it scares me. I also just want to challenge myself to find my strength again and to trust and believe in myself. I told my doctor just as much. I want to get better on my own. I've been able to do it the previous times. I just fucked myself up each time by doing drugs again. This time, I really mean it. I won't touch any of it. The risk of anxiety and panic attacks is too high, and I don't want to risk losing myself completely. Of course, if it gets to a point where I feel like I can't do it on my own, then I'll consider medication.

I've decided to abstain indefinitely, likely permanently, from drugs and alcohol. I used these things to escape from my life and to help me be more sociable. They were my crutches. But now, I want to be present in my life. I want to be here to be able to support and help all of the wonderful people in my life. Despite my desire to stay here in this reality, my mind seems to take me away from the present whenever I start panicking. I'm fighting hard to stay. Plus, even drinking alcohol triggers anxiety now. So it's just good overall for me to abstain.
-It's been a little difficult. Going out with friends is slightly challenging because I end up being the only sober person. I'm okay with being DD. But it's challenging to socialize with inebriated people. I'm too in my head. There's also an irrational part of me that's worried that if I'm surrounded by inebriated people, I'll somehow absorb their inebriation. Or someone will get something into my system because they think I should loosen up (some have told me as much, maybe jokingly, but it still worries me). These anxious thoughts would trigger panic attacks too.
-This also means that I'm foregoing future shows and festivals (no lie; a lot of people go to these events to get fucked up). I've been selling whatever tickets I bought earlier this year. I've lost a lot of money. Alaska got $300 out of me not flying to Seattle this past weekend for a festival, and two people got some cheap tickets to the festival. I still have many tickets left to sell. I'm holding on to a pair of tickets for deadmau5 in October though; my brother is supposed to go to that with me. We've never been to a festival or EDM show together. So I'm hoping that I'll get myself into a good mental space by then; I want us to share an experience. But if I don't feel ready, I won't push myself.
-This past weekend, instead of going to the festival, I went with a group of friends to Lake Tahoe. I was sober the whole weekend. Everyone else drank or did other things. It worried me, but I didn't want to ruin anyone else's fun. So everyone did their own thing. Somehow, I managed to not have any panic attacks. If I thought my anxiety was starting to increase, I would focus on my breathing and remind myself that reality was still here and I was with friends, good people who will help me if I need it. This vacation actually felt like it helped me reset my brain a bit. It was nice. Of course, coming back home, my anxiety has kinda started up again, but I think it's more manageable now. Though, I did almost trigger another panic attack because I was thinking about my panic attacks on the drive home from work haha. Still a work in progress. Anyway, after this weekend, I'm probably gonna make sure I hang out in more sober settings.

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If I could choose, I would rather deal with depression than anxiety. Apathy is easier than constant fear. Listlessness is easier than overthinking. But I don't have a choice. I just have to deal.

I'm grateful for the love and support that I'm getting from my friends, especially since they're all dealing with their own lives. I'm lucky to have these folks in my life. I hope I can repay them just as well in my support of them.

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I started writing this because I needed to get some thoughts out. Maybe as a sort of confession/clearing of conscience. Now, I don't really know what to make of this.

I know I need help. I've reached out for help. I've reached out to friends and a professional. Now, I'm learning and relearning how to help myself and how to trust myself/others. It's been hard and daunting most days. Some days are easier to get through; other days, each step feels impossible. I feel like I'm making progress, but I have setbacks. The setbacks feel so monumental, but I'm trying to hold on to hope that I will feel and do better. I'm trying to add more realistic positivity and positive realism into my life.

Thank goodness for YouTube (Michelle Khare, Safiya Nygaard, Ladylike, Pero Like, The Try Guys. Basically all the BuzzFeed-related videos. Also, Good Mythical Morning.). I've binged on so many videos over the past two months; they've helped keep me distracted and also given me food for thought in regard to my own challenges.

Making better decisions for myself is hard because it requires me to really think. I'm trying to find a balance, so that I don't overthink. Hopefully, I can get this right.

Ending 2018; Starting 2019

2018 went by so fast. I feel like I only just started 2018 a couple of months ago, but a lot has happened this year.

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Usually, around this time of year, I like to look back on the events of the current year and make plans for the next, occasionally waxing poetic about changes. This time is no different haha.

2018 was a personally fulfilling year. I did things I wanted to do, whether on the spur of the moment or as part of a planned bucket list activity.
+Donated peripheral blood stem cells (Feb)
+Started my Invisalign adjustments (Mar)
+Attended Seven Lions’ Chronicles Chapter 1 in Seattle (May)
+Left a $100 tip on a cheaper meal (May)
+Attended my 10-year high school reunion (Jun)
+Donated my hair after growing it out for nearly 3 years (Aug)
+Visited Colorado and attended Illenium’s show at Red Rocks (Aug)
+Walked through a corn maze (Sep)
+Went skydiving (Nov)
+Went axe-throwing (Nov)

I spent a lot of money (14+ shows, Audiotistic, 2 Dreamstates, and EDC LV) because I decided to forego a reasonable budget. But because of all these fun adventures, all my lovely friends, and some calculated personal changes, I was able to get myself into a better mental space. The splurging was a way for me to take a break from reality and to reward myself for doing better.

2017 and the beginning of 2018 had me struggling through a lot of depressive and anxiety-ridden episodes; I sometimes wondered if I would make it to the end of the year. However, as this year progressed, I gradually turned my thoughts and worries around; I'm not super peppy or overly optimistic, but I feel more level-headed in my mental/emotional approach to my fears and worries. I definitely still have occasional setbacks, but they don't feel as oh-no-it's-the-end-of-the-world as they did at the beginning of 2018. The things that I can't seem to change, I've learned to accept; I'm always going to be an over-thinker, but consistently recognizing that what I think doesn't necessarily reflect reality has helped me maintain a grip on my sanity and perspective. Woo, progress!

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I had planned to quit my job on my birthday, but I decided to stay after my employer offered to increase my pay a bit and move me to another team. I'm grateful to still have a job during the holidays. I'm still helping out my old team because of an abnormally large amount of work that came in; so I haven't really learned anything for my new team. To be honest, I haven't really felt motivated to learn new workflows. And the reasons that made me want to leave in the first place are still there. I'm still putting out the best work I can and helping the team as much as I can, but I find myself feeling extremely apathetic about the job on most days.

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Recently, I had developed a minor crush on a guy. It's been an interesting experience. We're getting to know each other better. We're friends. We've kissed.

At first, I didn't know what it meant because we didn't really talk about it. We're friends, but we're physically and intellectually attracted to each other; overall, this is the most attracted I've felt toward any guy in my life. I wasn't sure if the emotional attraction was or would ever be there. I said as much; he concurred.

In my weird mistrust of people's words, I thought he was playing games and really could be interested in a romantic relationship. It worried me because I don't like the imbalance of feelings in any relationship. So I worried myself, wondering, "Could I be emotionally attracted to him? Emotionally attracted to a man? If I could, what would be so bad about that?" Other people's opinions... I think my mom would feel relief, which bothers me because of the I-told-you-you're-not-really-gay aspect of it. I'm also uncertain of how my queer friends would take it. Hopefully not bad because I've always said I wanted to be open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to and falling in love with a man. And I am open to it. I came to that conclusion after some major self-reflection.

I let him know what I was thinking. He said we can just be friends. (What he says is what he means, which I'm learning to trust and take at face value. Typically, some guys, who said they only wanted friendship, were really hoping for more, which put a weird strain on our friendships.) I was disappointed by his response but not as much as I thought I would be. Probably because of the lack of emotional connection haha; he's not a very emotional person, whereas I am; he's more of a let-it-go person, whereas I'm not. So it works out. I'm over it now.

We're still friends. We're still physically attracted to each other. We've set our boundaries.

----

I'm going to ring in the new year at Kaskade's show in SF with Matt and his new boyfriend, Khai. I don't think any of our other close friends will be there; they're either keeping it low-key or going to another NYE event. This will be a different experience. I've always gone to NYE events with people who were there with me. I know Matt and Khai will be there, but I don't know if it will be quite the same with my third-wheel status haha. I know I'll have fun no matter what though; so it doesn't really matter.

----

I don’t have many plans for 2019 yet, and the few I have are tentative as always. I’m also gonna set another EDM ticket budget, and I won't scrap it this time.

Shows and Festivals:
+Wobbleland - SF
+Gryffin - SF
+Excision - SF
+EDC LV of course

Other:
+Finish my Invisalign adjustments sometime in March
+Bucket list: Go to a range and shoot something. (I've put this off for so long.)
+Bucket list: Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. (I've also put this off for too long.)
+LASIK
-I bought a camping package for Electric Forest 2019; however, I’m going to sell it to put that money toward the LASIK and/or family instead. (The brother is out of a job; so I feel weird trying to plan multiple expensive vacations while he's struggling.)
+Attend a different, cheaper, and closer music festival instead
+Skydive again, hopefully without glasses this time
+New tattoo
+Camping with friends
+Visit at least one new place; haven't decided where yet

----

I'm always thinking about change. About how I really want it, about how I strongly want to avoid it, about how it's necessary for life.

But at this point, I don't know what changes I want to make. I think the best I can do are the physical changes (i.e. Invisalign, LASIK, wardrobe). The mental changes are harder because I don't know what needs to improve. My self-image is better than ever; not great, but better than it has been.

I think getting a new job will probably become a priority for this year. I've been on my team for 3.5 years now, and I don't feel much like a valued employee. I mean I am still here and got a small pay raise, but watching most of my coworkers get laid off and be replaced by new hires through a different agency left a terrible taste in my mouth. And the coworkers that are still around are slowly getting jobs elsewhere and leaving. I don't want to be the last one here. I don't want to lose that sense of family that we had all built together. But it's happening. I feel like we're all just hanging on to the last bit of family we have on this project until we can find a new workplace to call home.

Anyway, change is always happening, whether we're aware of it. I guess I just need to take charge of the changes in my life as much as I can.

----

2018 has been a good and weird year. Not my favorite, but it was an enjoyable learning experience.

A History of My Hair

I had various, shorter hairstyles chosen by my mom for most of my childhood and adolescence. I was frequently mistaken for a boy and occasionally bullied for it, which made me feel really insecure at times. But I dealt with it somehow and I never once thought I should grow out my hair to make things easier.

When I was a junior in high school, I decided to let my hair grow to my shoulders, which felt very strange. I just wanted to see what it would look like; would I actually look unattractive? My mom used to tell me that I would, which is why she always had me have short hair. I thought I looked all right.

I decided to cut my hair short again my senior year of high school because longer hair required too much effort and I was lazy haha. Back to normal. Ish.

During my freshman year of college, I decided to get my first “radical” hairstyle, a faux hawk. I wanted to explore something new. My mom freaked out; we argued. I kept the faux hawk for a couple of months. I grew it out because I again got lazy with maintenance. It required product and at least twenty minutes to style every day. That was a lot of time and effort I didn’t want to expend anymore.

At that point, I also just didn’t feel like getting my monthly haircut. And that feeling lasted for two and a half years. Really, after a year, I decided I wanted to grow my hair long enough to donate. During the winter of my senior year of college, I donated my hair to Pantene’s Beautiful Lengths for the first time. :)

I tried another, slightly longer faux hawk this time. Again, my mom and I argued. She was upset that I looked “like a man.” She threatened to shave my head as punishment. I told her to do it because I would be happy to do it. She had no response for that.

I suppose I should also add that I had been out to my mom since senior year of high school. My coming out to her was not a positive experience, and we haven’t even attempted to broach the subject since. Anyway, my styling choices just aggravated her discomfort with my sexuality. She was freaking out that I was “flaunting my lifestyle to the world”; not her words, but I knew what she meant. I wasn’t; I just wanted to do something different with my hair. I was not trying to be gayer haha.

The tension between my mom and me increased exponentially because of this. So I mellowed out with the hair to ease the tension. A small concession just to make life bearable.

Fast forward to over a year later. I got my hair buzzed two weeks after I moved out of my mom’s house in 2013. I wore a beanie every time I saw my parents for a couple of months haha. And then I continued to let my hair grow for a year and a half. Then I donated it again in December 2014. I decided to keep a simple style, reminiscent of my adolescence.

Then for half of 2015, I did variations of a fade and slick back combo. I truly enjoyed the look. But you know what happened; laziness kicked in. All that product, meh.

So I decided to buzz my hair again. And I actually decided I would try to grow it out for three years and then donate it once more. I wanted to see if I would have the patience to wait for my hair to reach my hips.

I’m less than two months shy of exactly three years, but my hair reaches my hips. I was going to wait until October to cut and donate my hair. However, my hair is annoying me, and I want to have short hair while it’s still hot out.

This upcoming weekend, I’m going to cut and donate my hair. I would do it sooner, but I feel like I should see my parents first and give them a head’s up, so they won’t be shocked the next time they see me. I can already hear my mom flipping out. But hey, at least this time, I’m giving her some warning. :P

I can’t wait to feel the weight literally be removed from my head haha.

As for the style, I might go for a pixie cut. No idea yet. Might decide on the spot. I would buzz my hair, but I think I'll wait for another time. I'm also not sure when I'll start growing out my hair to donate again.

----

I'm glad I grew up and matured. I don't care if people mistake me for a man or judge me for it anymore. So I'm willing to try different hairstyles.

I still kinda hide some of my style decisions from my parents. Not because I'm ashamed or guilty. More because I just don't feel like arguing with them every time I see them. They won't change their minds, and I'm not going to change mine. We're going to argue about my choices. I don't want to not do what I want to do just to avoid arguing. I only see them once a week. So I should do what I feel comfortable doing, especially when I'm the one living with myself. But I'll do my best to avoid conflict with my parents because it's not worth my time when it's not constructive.

----

I legally have been an adult for almost a decade. Technically, I’ve had long hair for more than half of my adult life. Weird.

After all these years, I still don’t know how to do anything with long hair other than put it in a ponytail haha.

What not to say to a friend experiencing a mental health problem

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I don't necessarily think all of these are bad, per se, but when, how, and why we say them is crucial to the conversation.

If our friends aren't in the right mindset, then it's not a good time to say anything. It's good to just listen and pay attention for any warning signs. If we waste our time on unsolicited advice, we might miss some important signs. When our friends are in a better headspace and are more receptive to feedback, then we have an opportunity to add our two cents. Just remember it's our two cents, not fact.

Our word choice and body language are very important because it shows our intentions and our understanding of our friends' situations. Our demeanor shows them if we're listening or dismissive. What they think we're thinking or doing determines how much more they'll reveal to us and how much our words will sink in.

Our true intentions with our words will determine if we help or hurt our friends. Speaking out of frustration will never be helpful. Frustration is there because we want to help but we can't. We can't control our friends. We see the solution, but they don't. Or they do, but they won't follow through. We can't make them.

Speaking through encouragement (positive reinforcement) is slow and arduous, but I think it's the most helpful in most situations. It's definitely a test of our patience. But hey, we're only dealing with the problem for this moment; our friends have to deal with it almost every day alone. Tbh, if we're that frustrated with our friends, imagine how frustrated they are with themselves.

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Back to the link:

Therapists and counselors may try to get us to realize these things on our own. But there's a difference between a person who's trained to help us come to our own conclusions and a person who's just putting in their two cents on what they think our problem is.

One has built our trust, reminds us that they're coming from a place of understanding, and encourages us to take our next steps. The other doesn't necessarily make that same effort because it seems unnecessary when the message is coming from a friend. And this is why a therapist is a therapist, not a friend.

----

Mental health problems suck. Sometimes, our brains know one thing, but they think the opposite; and we're so damn aware of this disconnect. Being bluntly reminded of how disconnected our brains are is irritating. "You just need to do this (i.e. take care of yourself, exercise, eat better, stop overthinking), and you won't have those problems anymore." Sometimes, it is that simple; but fun fact: It's not always that simple.

I get frustrated hearing things like that because I know it could be that simple but I don't let it be. I definitely don't feel encouraged when people say things like that to me. If anything, there's some irrational part of me that wants to do the opposite of what they say just to spite them. Or is it to spite myself? Because I fail at something that's so easy for others, I deserve to fail harder and hurt myself more. Irrational.

It's funny though. I've had conversations with friends about my issues and baggage. They offer advice. Sometimes, I ignore it. Other times, I listen. But I never take their advice immediately. It has to sit and simmer. Time has to pass before I put their advice into action. Although, if my friends bring it up again too soon, I have to let it simmer longer.

I like it when my friends don't give me direct advice. Instead, they offer suggestions. Suggestions don't have to simmer as long as advice does.

The Four Agreements - Don Miguel Ruiz

Be impeccable with your word.
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't take anything personally.
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't make assumptions.
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best.
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.


I feel like I'm always revisiting these kinds of thoughts because I always end up forgetting about them after a while.

Such simple things to keep in mind. I remember them and live by them for some time, usually during a period where I'm de-cluttering, re-evaluating some life decisions, and proactively resolving some inner turmoil. I maintain course, and life gets good. Everything goes well. Then somewhere along the way, I forget to maintain; I fall back to bad habits and fall into the usual ruts. I'm aware of it some of the time; other times, other people have to point it out to me.


I think the first agreement is usually the easiest for me to keep. Occasionally, I need gentle reminders to not speak badly of anyone. Learning to vent my pent-up frustrations with myself and others properly and in a manner that is helpful rather than hurtful. I still make mistakes and hurt people. I hope I'm doing right by owning up to the things I carelessly say. I hope I'm owning up to them.

The second agreement is hardest for me. I know I internalize everything. I've never been one to really trust my own judgment of anything. I've always relied on others to give me feedback and accepted them as true without much more thought. I dwell on others' negative perception and judgment of me. I've come to the realization that, when I judge others, I'm viewing with my own lens and biases; the standards and rules that I apply to my own life should not be applied to others. I have to remind myself that other people do the same, and that I shouldn't be living up to anyone's standards but my own. My standards may line up with others', but they're not the same.

I try not to jump to conclusions. And when I do, I try not to hold onto those conclusions when I'm presented with proof to the contrary. I've found that many misunderstandings have led to some of the worst arguments and conflicts in my life. They strained and broke some relationships, and we've never been able to salvage them. I think we damaged our relationships because each of us held onto our own perspective with ridiculous stubbornness and believed that the other was unreasonable for not seeing our perspective or, worse, the other did see our perspective and still hurt us anyway.

The fourth agreement is so simple, yet my mind won't let it stay simple. There's always a scale of success to judge myself on. When I don't overthink, my best feels like enough. But I'm prone to overthinking, something that I feel very little control over. I'm always living in my thoughts and wondering if I could have done better. Sometimes, I remember I couldn't have done better in that moment. Other times, I tell myself I should have done better, despite the circumstances of that moment.


Life is the way it is; it is not the way I wish it to be. I can't control it. I can only help guide my little piece of it. People are who they are; I can't change them. I can't even really change myself (I'm always falling back to the me that hasn't "improved"), but I can continue to learn to direct my energy toward the positive, the beautiful, the changing, the hopeful.

I have my moments where I wish I could reset to or restore the simplicity of my privileged and naive childhood. If I could have helped younger me to not internalize and hold onto all the traumas and pains of experiencing life, I would have taught myself to learn from the experiences and not be so afraid. Alas, I wasn't able to do that then. But I can do that now.

Whatever happens happens. Life goes on, and we will move on with it. So, live and love genuinely out of love.

^I should write that on a piece of paper and carry it with me. I used to do things like that, and it helped with the not forgetting. I'll do that.

Last-minute, miscellaneous thoughts for 2017

I've been sounding like a broken record all year, but I have to reiterate how lucky I feel to have the caring, helpful, and generous friends I have. They're enablers, but I am so appreciative of all the love they share.

I thought I was going to break my tradition of raving at the end of the year because of my budget. Matt is not even in town, but he got me a ticket for Kaskade's open-to-close set tomorrow night. I used the last of my 2017 budget to pay Matt back what I could for a portion of the ticket. This guy, what did I do to deserve him?

And I guess my NYE raving tradition is slightly broken? The show is on the 30th rather than the 31st. So I'll party it up tomorrow night and then have a lowkey NYE night with a few friends who also decided not to rave into the new year :) Yay, I won't be alone!

----

In the past 4.5 years, I went from 0 to 60 really quickly. My high school and college years were mellow. I barely knew what partying was; I couldn't afford to know what it was haha. I started letting loose a little in 2013 and going out more and more frequently. At some point, I was going out just about every weekend. At the end of 2016, I decided I needed to rein it in to save money and to try other things; so I put some restrictions on myself for 2017. I still went out on some weekends, but monetary limits kept me mindful. I think I've even returned to my 2013 levels of partying haha. Not bad.

----

2017 has been a challenging year in ways I didn't foresee, but it has been filled with many wonderful new adventures, lessons, and changes. I am so grateful for all the friends that supported me through the lows and cheered me on during the highs. I probably wouldn't have survived this year with my mind intact without all of them.

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I always look forward to the end of the year because it feels like an accomplishment to reach it. Even though, I know it's such an arbitrary thing to care about. All the things that happened this year have shaped me into someone who is different from who I was a year ago. I'm more anxious and worried. I have to constantly train myself to trust. But I'm also more appreciative. I'm much more aware. I'm finding a new balance in my life. I try harder to not take time and people for granted.

I just hope I remember to keep this going. I got to the end of 2017 in one piece; I can keep going.

----

2018 will bring in new challenges; I hope I can ready myself for them, and I hope I've learned enough not to make the same mistakes I've made before.

I probably won't travel as much as I did this year, which wasn't that much anyway. Maybe two or three trips. We'll see how things pan out.

I hope I find the courage to step out of my comfort zone again. Enough to make a more positive impact on others.

Self-Diagnosed Anxiety: I Don't Know How to Ask for Help

Anxiety is hard.

I've probably always dealt with anxiety in some form or other, but I never noticed how anxious I really was until this year.

Now, my anxiety rises to unbearable levels sometime. And I feel like I can't survive it, but I also feel like I'll never be able to escape it.

I think I had a little too much caffeine (flavored Red Bull is dangerous) last night before RL Grime because I was tired from seeing Oh Wonder the night before. I was okay during the event. But the drive home triggered something in my brain. An overwhelming, almost paralyzing, fear started to creep up on me. I started having a panic attack while I was driving, but I was able to focus on driving home. I think knowing that I was the only one sober enough to drive was how I focused.

I'm lucky; I have wonderful friends. Ant stayed with me and held me while I tried to calm down and sleep. I could feel my heart pounding the whole night at weird paces. Tachycardia. It kept waking me up. But I didn't move at all because I didn't want to risk losing the comfort I got from Ant. I didn't want to risk losing touch. He was my anchor to reality.

Falling asleep was the worst though. The falling part of it. It would jumpstart my anxiety every time. Because I would lose touch with reality. I know that's normal. I mean we enter surreal dreams. But that's the part that scared me. I just felt like I lost control. That nothing was real.

I've been struggling to fall asleep at night because of this. For three months, I've had to listen to pop or acoustic music with lyrics to help me fall asleep. It gives me something to focus on other than my thoughts. And the music doesn't start sounding so weird or distorted as I fall asleep.

This past week, I managed to convince myself to go to bed without music. And I had been okay. Progress.

After last night, I'm worried about trying again. I don't have very much confidence in myself. Especially when I'm alone. Pretty sure my anxiety stems from being alone. And fears about the future, present, life, existence, etc.

I'm probably going to have to watch myself when it comes to consuming any kind of drug, including caffeine and muscle relaxers. They've had extremely adverse effects on my anxiety so far.

Normally, caffeine just makes me jittery. But now I think it's affecting me more than that, which sucks. Luckily, I don't rely on it often, just on those rare days I need it. I should probably just make sure I don't consume more than 30mg... that Red Bull I drank had 114mg of caffeine. Yikes. And I also got a vodka Red Bull at the show too. Stupid decisions.

I hope I can feel normal again in the near future. Anxiety is so crippling :/ I need to start making better decisions for my body and life.

Oh, I just remembered something. I found myself repeating the chant "Nam mô A Di Đà Phật" fervently whenever I woke up. It helped me focus and fall asleep a bit more easily. I just couldn't stay asleep.

Man, how do I find and maintain some inner peace? It feels reachable sometimes. And it feels impossible sometimes. I'm just really scared, and I don't know how to trust my reality right now. I don't know how I'm going to survive.

A flag is a flag

I guess this could be a political post, but I'm just sharing what's tumbling around in my head.

A symbol is a symbol. I don't necessarily put a lot of value into symbols, probably because I don't always understand them unless they are explained to me haha.

Ultimately, the flag and the national anthem haven't done anything for or to me, except act as government-supported symbols of freedom that I have willingly accepted. I don't reject the flag, but I also don't blindly love and admire it. I understand its purpose and role in our society; it is supposed to represent the American people and country to not only us but also the rest of the world. But I also just see it as what it is. A flag. A piece of cloth designed to instill a sense of belonging, comraderie, loyalty, freedom, patriotism, etc.

A flag is a flag. I wouldn't lose sleep over it. It doesn't have a personal meaning to me other than what I have been taught in school. I have a very detached attachment to the American flag. I think the closest things I've ever owned to a US flag were Old Navy shirts with the flag printed on them. And my mom was the one who bought them.

Anyway, to others, the flag represents a lot of things. It represents different things to different people. It makes them experience different feelings. I've probably felt some patriotic feelings here and there, provoked by some circumstances and situations. They were short-lived because, again, I don't hold much value in most symbols.

At this moment, I just see the flag as a flag. It has a history and lots of emotions attached to it. But when we break it down, it is a cloth and a symbol that will one day disappear and be forgotten. Unless by some miracle, humans live forever and keep a meticulous record of all history (doubtful). To hold onto something so impermanent and to hold onto so much anger toward people who do not think the same, it feels pointless. It changes no one's mind to be so angry.

"I wouldn't" does not equate to "You shouldn't."
"I will not" does not equate to "You cannot."

The wider conversation about the flag has boiled down to what people have to do. I think that's the wrong approach. Give people the freedom to show their true colors, and decide if those colors match your own. Maybe some effort in a constructive conversation will help you find some common ground. If you make a person do something you want them to do, then their action is empty.

I saw a quote somewhere on Facebook that sums up what I'm thinking better than I can say it: "Patriotism isn't about making everyone stand and salute the flag. Patriotism is about making this a country where everyone wants to."

It's like how I approach the words "I love you"; there was once a person who expected me to say it on the spot to prove my feelings, but I could not and would not say it. She got frustrated and upset, but I wouldn't budge. Part of it was we were in high school and I had no idea what I was doing or how I felt. But a major part of it was the obligation would have undermined my intention. If I had said "I love you" when she expected me to, then it wouldn't have meant the same. Sure, I would have said it, she might have felt the impact of it, and she would have appreciated it. But my intention would have been to appease her rather than to express how I felt.

Likewise, forcing people to stand and "respect" the flag would just be a coerced act of appeasement.

People get mad about so many things. But I don't know if it's worth it. My anger won't change other people's mind. It just scares or provokes them; the response is defensiveness or retaliation. When someone comes at me angrily, I tend to absorb that anger and to want to return it immediately to make them stop. That's all that has been happening with this "debate." I don't feel like there will be productive movement in any direction. It's just a topic to be angry about.

I have to mention, when Kap didn't stand up last year and set off the storm, I didn't think much of it. He didn't represent me, but I understood why he did what he did. I didn't necessarily agree with him at the time, but I also didn't disagree. My perspective on the situation was "Oh, I see where you're at. You do you." And I was on my merry way. I suppose this may be more of a testament to how not easily inspired I am haha.

Before anyone thinks I willfully disrespect the troops, I support the troops 100%, and I am grateful for their courage, strength, and sacrifices.

However, I haven't stood and placed my hand over my heart for the flag or anthem in many years. I often stand, close my eyes, bow my head, and thank the troops in my head. And I pray for them. That's how I express my respect and thanks. It might not be as public and showy as saluting the flag and all that. But I know how I feel about our troops, and I feel my way of expression is the best for me. Not for others, just myself. Kinda like how some people believe their private one-on-one conversations with God are more fulfilling than sermons.


Sorry, lots of rambling. It's late, and I should have gone to bed two hours ago. But I just wanted to put some words down somewhere.

Symbols are funny. They don't exist until you want them to exist. Then they don't stop existing until everyone forgets about them.

2017 has been an eventful year so far.

We’re about three-quarters of the way through 2017. There are three months left of the year to enjoy. I feel like I was just on my first flight to Portland a few weeks ago, but that was back in February.

It has been an exciting year, a little different from what I've doing in previous years.

I gave myself a ticket budget for EDM events and have been sticking to it. By the end of this year, I will have only attended eleven events:
Crush SF
Phutureprimitive
Andrew Rayel
Anjunabeats
Martin Garrix (free)
Dreamstate SF day 2 (free)
Untz Festival
EDC LV
Prince Fox
Seven Lions
Illenium

I planned actual travel adventures, and I got to check off several first-time bucket list items:
-Visited Portland (to visit Vivi; first time on a plane by myself; second flight ever)
-Drove on the PCH (first solo road trip)
-Visited Santa Barbara (to see Summer)
-Paid off my car loan (despite not getting credit for it)
-Played paintball (my bruises are still there)
-Visited Seattle and Vancouver, Canada (with Matt)
-Left the US for the first time ever in my life
-Visited San Diego/La Jolla
-Flew over the Pacific Ocean to visit Hawaii

I'm proud of myself for trying some new activities and kinda getting out of my comfort zone.

My ticket budget has been easy to stick to. Though, I should have accounted for the events at the end of the year, like Escape and Countdown. I'm a little disappointed that I won't be attending Escape this year. It's one of my favorite events, and the lineup this year makes me happy. I need a little more Darren Styles in my life. But it's okay. I'm sticking to my budget out of principle haha. What's the point of having a budget if I don't follow it? Because of my budget and finishing my car payments, I've been able to save more than twice as much as I have in the three years before. It's an achievement I'm very proud of.

Traveling has been an overall interesting experience. Mostly rewarding. And eye-opening in unexpected ways. I've come to the conclusion that I am not much of a traveler or adventurer. I am a homebody at heart. But I will continue to travel to push myself out of my comfort zone every so often, to visit friends, and to create memories with my friends. I need to start planning and budgeting for 2018.

----

I don't have many set plans for the rest of 2017. Four more shows in October and November (Oh Wonder, Tegan and Sara, Seven Lions, and Illenium). No travels. Maybe my fourth tattoo, maybe not. I'm just thinking about the cost of a half sleeve or even just a mid-size tattoo with color. Hmm... It would be wiser to save the money.

Maybe I'll try to knock out some other bucket list items instead. I should look at my list and see what I can fit in.

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As for 2018, I have ideas of what I would like to do for the year.

I have just over a year until I will cut my hair. October 17, 2018. I look forward to this day. I feel like this next year is gonna feel slow because I want to cut my hair. Depending on how I feel about my hair at the time, after I cut off the hair I'm donating, I may either keep a short cut (pixie?) or shave everything again haha. So many choices. I can't wait to free my head of the weight haha.

In terms of EDM events, I haven't decided if I will follow another strict budget. I make a little more money now than I did when I created this year's budget. I also don't have car payments anymore. I'm not really saving my money for anything other than to save. But I don't know which direction my job is really going in. I don't know if I'll continue to make as much as I do now. I feel like I should prepare for the worst, even though I may be worrying myself over nothing.

Anyway, what seems to be certain is EDC LV in May. Fifth year with slightly cooler temperatures? Why not? I can't seem to say no haha. And it seems the rave fam wants to go. The less certain festivals are Untz, Electric Forest, and Escape.

Untz Festival is at the beginning of June again, but the festival and parking passes altogether will be at least $30 more than the previous two years. It will also be two weeks after EDC. I don't recover as quickly as I used to; so I don't know if this would be a good idea haha.

Electric Forest at the end of June or beginning of July is also appealing. I've skipped it every time for EDC because of timing and cost. This year, since EDC is a month earlier, there would be little conflict in timing and budget for EF. But I wouldn't have a rave fam to go with.

Also, 10 year high school reunion will be June 30. Gotta think about that too. I can't wait to see my old classmates haha. I can't believe it's already been nine years since I've seen most of them.

Potential travel plans for 2018 include Lake Tahoe, Portland, Colorado, Chicago (Lollapalooza?), East Coast (New York and DC), and London. I want to apply for Global Entry if I do decide to visit London. I want to make my travels as simple and easy as possible. I also kinda feel like 2018 will be my last travel year if I do follow through with these plans. After next year, maybe I'll just travel once or twice a year if at all. Traveling is exhausting; my goals for traveling is just to exist in a new place. Goals have been achieved. It feels good. But I think I'm a bit of a boring travel partner because everyone else enjoys exploring. I just wanna know what it feels like to be a lazy local haha. People-watching in foreign places is awesome.

If I go back to Hawaii, I'm gonna check out Kauai instead of Honolulu and Waikiki. I've been told it's one of the best places for introverts. And I think I would enjoy it very much.

When spring starts next year, I'll finally go whale-watching, skydiving, and riding in a hot air balloon. I say this, but who knows if I'll follow through? I just need to make legit plans and set things into motion.

----

My family is doing all right. Health is holding out. Relations are a little strained. Emotions and moods could be better. But that's nothing new. There had been talks of change in terms of actions and living situations, but everything is still pretty much as it was a year ago. I guess we're maintaining course.

Hmm, I should plan next year with my family and future in mind. Retirement and pre-school costs. So many things to think about.

----

I live a very fortunate life. I live in the US, I am relatively healthy, I have a job that pays me enough to live a comfortable life, and I have the ability to make decisions that contribute to a more fortunate future. I am grateful for the cards I have been dealt.

Sometimes, I'm torn between feeling grateful and feeling undeserving. But I can only move forward and contribute as much good as I can into the world, even if it feels inconsequential. I must try.

Broke to Not-So-Broke

I don't know why it just hit me that I have technically been a broke 21-year-old living with her mom for about a year after college. No work experience, no job, no prospects.

When I finally got my first job at a factory, making $8.50 an hour, I moved out of my mom's and lived out of a suitcase on my ex's futon in her living room for a couple of months. I lived off of many Hot Pockets and the amazing generosity of friends and strangers.

My next job paid me $10 an hour for the work of three people but wouldn't provide me with sufficient training. It was stressful, and there was no support.

I quickly left that job for a two-year contract with a staffing agency at a large tech company. Granted, there was a two and a half week gap in my employment because my new employer couldn't start me when they said they would. And I was laid off a month before my contract ended. But I had been a trainer for a year on that team. So yay, experience!

Fortunately, my site manager believed in me and helped me connect with a recruiter from another agency for the same tech company. I ended up starting on a new team just a week and a half after my last day. I'm hitting my two-year mark on this team in less than two weeks. There have been so many changes in two years; there were times when I doubted my place on this team. I still do, but I'm dealing with it.

So far, I've never worked in the city that I lived in. None of my jobs are related to my degree. Turnover is high at all places I've worked.

I have more money now than I've had before. It's not much, but it's something. I go out and spend way more than I used to. Now, I feel like I actually have to relearn how to enjoy time alone.

Life has been really good to me. I've been able to always keep a roof over my head and some food in my stomach. I've had loving folks take care of me and help me with so many things that I should learn to do on my own. I have many protectors and guardians.

I'm grateful every day of my life. Even when I don't feel it, I know I'm lucky.

Life has been good to me. I question if I've been good to life in return. I hope so.

Halfway through 2017

I didn't stick to everything I said I would do this year. Oh well.

I didn't go to CRSSD or Beyond So Cal. My generous friends paid for my Sunday ticket for Dreamstate SF, and I did go to EDC Las Vegas for the fourth time but with just Matt (and Ant and Christina) and had an amazing time. I dipped out early the first and third nights though. Regrets. Oh well. Gotta listen to my body when it's telling me to rest.

EDC ate up more than half of my ticket budget for the year. About $120 left to spend for the last six months. It's cool though. While the fomo kinda sucks, I'm feeling all right with my music decisions. More money toward traveling, yay!

I visited Vivi in Portland in February, and that was mostly fun. A weekend in the life of Vivi. I learned a lot and was amazed by how many luscious, green trees there were. Pace of life is definitely much more chill than the Bay Area. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was going too fast haha. It was a nice change for sure. I gotta go back and explore.

Santa Barbara in March was great; I spent some time with Summer, who was my Untz buddy last year. Year 2 of Untz was even better. Summer brought a group of her friends, and we caravanned to Mariposa. All the underground bass music we could handle.

I made a couple of not-so-great decisions in Santa Barbara and again at Untz. Anxiety and paranoia have been miserable friends since, and it's been a slow and agonizing process to learn how to cope. But I'm doing it. Properly? I'm not sure. I still need to find a therapist.

But hey, I finally went to the dentist after almost six years. My teeth are pretty darn healthy, but I brush too hard. So I've been practicing gentle brushing haha.

Anyway, back to traveling. Matt and I flew to Seattle and took a train to Vancouver during Fourth of July weekend. That was exciting. First time in Seattle, first time on Amtrak (I think), and definitely my first time out of the US. Lots of new experiences and plenty of delicious food.

We had dinner at the restaurant at the top of the Space Needle. That was the most expensive dinner I had ever eaten or paid for. $50 minimum per person. I understand why it's so costly, but it's ridiculous. We got a great view of Seattle though on the observation deck. Then Matt's friend Jonathan picked us up to take us to Capitol Hill to check out Purr and R Place. I just sat along the wall and chilled.

MoPOP was fascinating; so much pop culture knowledge in one location. A lot of familiar movies and TV shows, but I probably noticeably reacted to a handful of exhibits. Afterward, we walked through Pike Place Market, but it was too crowded for my comfort. So we walked to Moon's Kitchen. Delicious.

The train ride to Vancouver was nice. Although, I do recall being mooned by a man and woman on a beach at some point. That was... different. When we arrived in Vancouver, there was a fireworks show happening near our hotel because it was Canada Day. The whole weekend was a celebration; so it was cool to see Canadians celebrate all weekend, while I knew my friends back home were celebrating Independence Day weekend as well.

We had to take a taxi to our hotel from the train station, but it took a while since all of the taxis were picking people up near the fireworks show. We probably got to the hotel after midnight. The hotel upgraded our room to a suite. So fancy. 4 times the amount we paid. I could have spent my whole vacation in that room if I hadn't already paid to do things outside of it haha.

Waking up late the next day, we walked to Heritage Asian Eatery. The name made us a little doubtful, but the food surprised us. Very satisfying meal. After a bit of rest, we took the SkyTrain to the Richmond Night Market. Again, surprised. So many Asians. So much good food. Matt and I left the market with adorable plushies. I now have a six-limbed octopus that has a mustache, top hat, and monocle haha.

We checked out Davie Street because why not? Gay night life on a Sunday. Ended up at The Pumpjack Pub >.> interesting name. Had a beer and didn't do much.

Our last day in Vancouver, we took a seabus and a regular bus to Capilano Suspension Bridge Park. Beautiful and calming place, too many children. The suspension bridge itself scared me at first because it felt like it was trying to buck me off. But I managed to find a rhythm to the movement haha.

We had our last meal in North Vancouver at Mr. Sushi. So worth the money. They don't overdo it with the rice. So I actually managed to finish two full rolls along with one piece from one of Matt's rolls.

The train ride back to Seattle was a bit irritating. We arrived at the station at 5:30am, an hour before departure. The train was late. We waited in line to get our seat assignments. But that line didn't open until 6:30. Fortunately, Canadian customs was quick. I think our train departed over an hour late. US customs on the train was much quicker than I expected; so that was nice. Still, we got to Seattle with no time to eat. Jonathan picked us up and dropped us off at the airport. Then we were back haha.

We spent the rest of our day hanging out at Cat's with Ant, Bella, Kim (Cat's coworker), and Amenda. Good day :)


I didn't mean to say so much about my vacation, but it's there now.

We're still planning to go to Hawaii in September for Matt's birthday. Everything has been bought. Activities just need to be planned.

No other set plans for now. Going to try to make time to visit Shiva in So Cal before the summer is over.


Oh, I applied for an open position on another team at work and got it. I've been learning new things at work for the past three months. I was hoping taking on this new role and more responsibilities would increase my interest in work, but it didn't. Oh well. I'm still learning, and I've been doing pretty well in my new role. I'm happy with that.


----

I've been re-evaluating my life a lot. Thinking about the overall journey, the adventures and misadventures, luck and misfortune, wonderful help and terrible advice, good and bad decisions. Not sure how I'm feeling about it all.

I've been feeling disconnected from people again. I think I've been putting myself around so many people so frequently that it's taking a toll on me.

Maybe I just need to change a few small things in my life. Get a fresh perspective or something. I'm gonna try to rearrange my bedroom tomorrow. Maybe that will help.

I'm so averse to change, but I know I need it sometimes.


I don't know what I'm doing for the rest of the year, but I need to start making more plans. I still want to do something other than rave. I also just wanna feel like I'm getting my life right, whatever that means.

----

There is a cat in my room at the moment. I should attend to her before she rips up my bed sheets.

Emotional Times

I don't know what is, but I feel like I've become a much more emotional person over the past couple of years. Or maybe just more willing to be emotive.

I feel like I haven't gone more than a week at a time without crying about something, whether it is a legitimate reason to be upset.

At times, it all just seems to be a buildup to something in my life. Sometimes, it feels like I hit that epiphany, and everything settles for a little while. Other times, there is no epiphany, no release from the buildup; and I'm left wondering, and then I deflate.

I'm not really sure what the point of this is. I guess... Despite how much it sucks to feel super low or emotional, I'm glad I don't struggle to suppress my feelings as much or keep my feelings from flatlining anymore. I'm learning and practicing this full immersion of my emotions. I'm learning that self-suppression is not self-control. It's been a rough ride, but I think this is helping me grow as a person.

I can't say I don't take a lot of steps back. I do. I fall back into old, bad habits when I forget how to handle my stress and decompress. But I'm trying to see it as "Hey, look, I've taken steps to break bad habits. It's better to say that I fall into old habits here and there rather than I can't break my bad habits at all."

My low points are not moments of weakness. They are moments of strength because I survived them. If I can hit rock bottom and still find a way out of the pit I fell into, then there is a strength there and I tapped into it. I forget that strength from time to time. But if I can continue to remember that strength when I need it, I'm doing all right.

----

I'm trying to understand myself better, be more empathetic toward myself and others, and give myself a chance to actually be happy with who I am. It's difficult. Sometimes, I wish I could just fool myself into trusting the person that I am. I get that validation from the people around me, but for some reason I can't get it from myself. Here and there, I think I do trust myself. But that feeling doesn't stay for very long.

I have a fear in trusting myself and trusting others. I know this distrust is not unique to me. I know a lot of people who have the same fear, even those I didn't think would. I'm learning to trust that we all understand each other in a way after all, even if we don't necessarily want to haha.

----

Maybe none of this makes sense, but I don't know how to explain it any better.

----

I just want my equilibrium back. I think I'm slowly finding it. It's like I'm standing on a balance board, and the conditions changes around me. There are lots of falls as I try to maintain balance, but I'm getting back up, learning, adjusting, adapting, and doing whatever I need to do to get the right balance.

Ever-changing. Can't stay stagnant.

----

I hope I'm making good decisions. But I realize I can only do what I can do, feel what I feel, etc. Likewise for everyone else. Just need to remind myself that everyone struggles, but no two people's struggles are exactly the same. Gotta make sure my empathy doesn't disappear haha.

I'm a creature of habit. Unfortunately, I'm prone to depression (not diagnosed), which just feels like a collection of bad habits that I'm constantly struggling to break. Sometimes, I'm successful. Sometimes, I succeed and then fall back into old habits.

I know I can break the bad habits. Getting started is always the hardest part of doing anything. I just can't remember how I motivated myself to start all those other times.

Maybe I'll start dancing at work every day. I only do it every so often now. Maybe I just need to get myself moving.

Maybe I'll do things that used to make me really happy. Before the partying started haha. I'm giving myself more free time on the weekends now, and I have no clue what to do. I end up just staying in bed all day. So maybe I'll get back into reading and doing puzzles. I think I have to re-learn how to be alone, something that I used to really enjoy.

I think I also need to re-learn how to interact with the world and be out there with people. I should make that a habit again.

Team No Sleep? More like Team Want Sleep But Can't Sleep haha. But it's okay. I'll find my way back to Team Sleep All Night someday.

Today, I got out of bed before my alarm. There was no struggle with the snooze button. Probably the first time in months. I didn't try. I just got up. I don't remember the last time it felt this easy.

I didn't do anything else differently last night. I don't know why today is different. It's not really. It's familiar. I've been here before. I just forgot what it felt like to move forward. I'm probably going to forget over and over. But I'll keep remembering too.

Just one step at a time. I know I'm always taking two steps forward and one step back. But I gotta remember that I'm moving. That's what matters. I'm not stuck. Keep the movement going.

I feel like I'm always stuck in the past and can't let go of it. But I don't think I ever really confront it much either. So everything just stays stuck.

Today, Shiva and I confronted our past together. And it was difficult. I still don't know what to think. I suppose I still have a lot of anger and resentment that I never let myself express.

I want to be her friend. But I just don't know if I can now.

I've been thinking about this on and off for a long while. I just never had to actually face it.

But anyway, I got things off my chest. A lot of things I never said after we broke up. I put a lot of the blame on myself for our relationship. And I guess she took some of it off of me. She apologized.

And I don't know how I feel about any of this.

We're probably not gonna talk for a while. I'm still going to her graduation because I do want to see her graduate. But after that, I don't know what I would want from our friendship.

I guess I just need to process things and figure it out eventually.

Variable Attraction

Sometimes, I think I see a trend in the kinds of people I find myself attracted to. Other times, I just think to myself, "Wtf? Why do I find them attractive?" or "Why don't I find them attractive?" (Granted, personality is major factor in my overall attraction to someone.)

I've always been attracted to feminine ciswomen and masculine cismen. There was never really any attraction to gender-nonconforming cis people or transfolks. It's been like that for most of my life. Especially with femme, blonde ciswomen.

But I've noticed recently, in the past year or so, that I'm finding myself more and more attracted to gender-nonconforming folks. Mainly androgynous or masculine-presenting ciswomen.

It's weird to me because I don't see myself as feminine or masculine. But I know I lean more toward masculine. Or at least I used to. But yeah, I just never found it attractive before, possibly because I saw myself that way. But now, I think after experiencing life and getting to know people, I've opened myself up to more possibilities?

Maybe I'm coming to the realization that I'm just attracted to people who are comfortable in their skin and aren't assholes about it :) haha.

I think it's also going hand in hand with me becoming more comfortable with my gender expression. I mean, I've been relatively comfortable with it. I still don't really know if I see myself as feminine, masculine, androgynous, or what. I'm trying not to focus on that too much. I'm trying to focus instead on just feeling comfortable in my expression, via clothing, hair, etc.

I think because I don't know how to describe myself and I don't feel like I quite fit into boxes perfectly, people won't find me attractive. Maybe that deterred me from finding certain people attractive. Because I don't think I'm their type; so give up and ignore before trying?

Blah. Must focus on myself. Be happy with myself. Finding people who are happy with who I am and how I express myself will be secondary.

Navigating happiness, insecurities, self-love, and self-esteem issues is hard. But I suppose this will be worth it in the end.

I probably strongly dislike my job.

I was a mostly-A student, but I've never felt smart.

School taught me how to follow the rules and pass tests. I don't think I learned how to create my own. I don't know how to think on my feet.

The workforce wants innovative people. I just know how to think inside a pre-defined box. Even if I find the courage to step out of that box, where the fuck do I go?

I feel stuck. Again. I've trapped myself here. And I don't want to help myself get out because I'm too scared.

I don't know what I want to do. I just know I don't like my job. I used to think I'd be okay just working some job and getting by. But now I don't feel that way anymore. But I don't know how to figure out what I want to do.

To be honest, I just dislike my job because it has been changing too often and it now requires me to interact with people outside of my team. Even if it's just email interaction, I can't stand it. I don't know why. Before, I was emailing members of my team. Now, I'm emailing a few more people. It's such a minor change, but it feels like my mind and my body are having a major adverse reaction to it. And I can't make my mind not react the way it does.

What is wrong with me?

My mind is all over the place again. I'm unhappy with my job, but I feel like I'm only unhappy because it's slightly pushing me out of my comfort zone. It's just a small test. A normal person would learn the new work and get used to it.

A lot of people would be willing to take my place at this job. Maybe I should let them. I surely don't want this job. I just need it.

----

I just want some peace of mind. I want to feel like I'm doing work that actually adds some good into this world. But I also want to make enough money to live comfortably.

But again, I'm too afraid to explore. I don't know where to start looking. I'm afraid to fail. But I also feel like staying where I am is slowly killing me.

I either need to suck it up and do something soon or just wait until I explode to do something haha. I should make the healthier decision, but you know I've always been the opposite of smart and courageous.