What budget?

My resolve is weak. I want to adventure into the festival world. I haven't even gone a full week into 2018 yet; I'm already thinking of scrapping my rave ticket budget. 😅

I originally figured, if I raised my budget enough to cover EDC LV 2018, I would have more money to spend on smaller events throughout the year. Sounds good because I usually don't think about going to other major festivals.

But after seeing this year's Coachella lineup, I'm tempted. Mainly for the smaller names. I really wanna listen to them live before they blow up.  :) It would also be cool to check out a festival that's not strictly EDM. I had been considering Bonnaroo or Outside Lands as well. I may still choose one of those in the following years over Coachella.

If I decide to go to Coachella, I think I'm going to revise my budget plan. Actually, I'm going to ask for a pay raise at work first; it's long overdue. I haven't asked for a raise of any kind since 2016. And if I can get the pay I would like to have, Coachella may actually happen. And if Coachella happens, then I may start to revise and split my budget. One budget for festival tickets and one budget for massives and shows. I don't think I have the willpower to follow another strict overall budget this year haha.

My thrift may give way to extravagant adventures in 2018. I don't know yet. Maybe I'll find a balance between my 2013-2016 self and my 2017 self... Maybe not. Ugh. I'm conflicted between saving more money and indulging myself more frequently.

Must maintain moderation. I had been pretty darn good about it in 2017, so that I could travel and save money to help my family. This year, travel isn't as important. I was hoping to make travel a priority for 2018, but I realize travel really isn't my thing. I'll do it to visit friends and spend time with them. But I don't have any cemented travel plans; so raving may go up my priority list this year haha.

----

I believe Coachella passes have already sold out. The Internet went a little crazy yesterday about this. But I've decided: If I can't get a pass within 20% of face value, then I probably won't go. I'm not paying an absurd amount over face value for any event. I wouldn't even do that for EDC haha.

----

I don't really know what my priorities are right now... Sometimes, I think I want to rave until I die; dance, headbang, groove, and sway until all of my energy is depleted. Other times, I feel like I just want to save my money and energy for a nice, comfortable future.

2017 to 2018; budgets and stuff

My birthday this year was a bit overwhelming. Matt planned a couple of things to surprise me. It's not that hard to surprise me. :P But I felt a lot of love. I repeatedly asked myself what I had done to deserve such amazing and loving friends in my life.

Two weeks before my birthday, I thought Matt, Ant, and I were just getting dinner. Granted, it was at Alexander's Steakhouse. So fancy. I figured we were celebrating their promotions. When we arrived at the restaurant, I was underdressed and surprised by more friends (April, Cat, Amenda, and Mai). And there was guava cake! My friends know me too well haha.

Then I received an Illenium snapback as a group gift on another day. Loved it.

On the day of my birthday, first thing in the morning, I came into work and found my desk completely decked out with balloons, streamers, and knickknacks. I knew Lisa had to have done it because that's definitely her thing haha. Yay for high school/college friends! The decorations were a bit much because they alerted everyone on the floor to my birthday.

Later that day, I was walking to a meeting when the lights in the room I was approaching suddenly turned off. I was confused, thinking maybe I went to the wrong room. But I opened the door. Several of my coworkers were in the room and surprised me. With a birthday tart and mimosas! It was great! Apparently, everyone was running around trying to get things ready without me noticing. I didn't notice. I'm pretty oblivious. But I also don't assume people will try to celebrate my birthday.

All these surprises. Too much for my heart haha. I appreciate all of these people, especially Matt. What did I do to deserve them? <3 p="">
----

I've spent 97.7% of my 2017 EDM ticket budget. I've decided I won't spend the rest of my budget for the rest of the year.

So my 2017 budget was a success, largely due to the wonderful people I call my friends. I paid for nine shows and events; my friends bought or gave me free tickets to four events (worth just less than 25% of my budget).

1. Crush SF
2. Phutureprimitive
3. Andrew Rayel
4. Anjunabeats
5. Martin Garrix (free)
6. Dreamstate SF day 2 (free)
7. Untz Festival
8. EDC LV
9. Prince Fox
10. RL Grime (free)
11. Seven Lions
12. Illenium
13. Giraffage (free)

It's been an enjoyable year. I've loved sharing it with new and old friends.

----

As for 2018, I've decided to increase my budget by 50%; so EDC won't knock out half of my budget. Just a third :P Hopefully, I won't be as spoiled by my friends because I can pay for some more events.

I almost decided against having another budget, but I really should be saving. Missing out on some events sucks sometimes, but it feels good to know I have money for emergencies. I'm trying to be a responsible adult haha.

I've already paid for two nights of Excision in January, Above & Beyond in March, HTID in April, and EDC LV in May. So I've already exceeded half my budget, but the events are relatively spread out over the first five months. I may end up selling one or two tickets. Right now, I want to go to all of these events for various reasons, but I know my mood changes and I have to keep in mind that there are events at the end of the year that I want to plan for.

We'll see what I decide to do this year.

----

I'm planning to do non-rave things in 2018. Some comedy shows and "normal" concerts for a change. I still need to figure out my travel plans.

Portland and Alaska may go hand in hand; I may visit Vivi again, as well as a couple of other friends; Vivi and I may go to Alaska together. It was just an idea that I threw out there, and she was interested; so fingers crossed. I also really wanna make it out to the East Coast, just so I can say I've been on the other side of the country haha. These two trips will probably be my primary focus, at least to get planning started.

I may also donate bone marrow. I got contacted last week about being a potential match for someone. Thursday, I'll be getting my blood drawn for further testing. I hope I'm a good match. I answered some health questions that I was afraid would disqualify me. Luckily, having tattoos and scoliosis doesn't automatically disqualify me; getting a tattoo within the past year or having had surgery for scoliosis would have. Anyway, I really hope I can donate in whatever way I can. I signed up for the Be The Match registry almost six years ago in college. I didn't think I'd end up being a match for anyone, but this is great ^_^ This would be a memorable addition to my life experiences.

----

For the first time in four years, I'm not attending a rave for NYE. (I said this two years ago but ended up going to Pop NYE haha.) Originally, Matt bought us tickets for Kaskade, but he decided to rearrange his plans for NYE. He offered to let me keep my ticket, but I told him to sell my ticket along with his. I've been spoiled enough with free tickets this year haha.

So I currently do not have any plans to welcome in the new year. I'm not sure what I want to do. I would like to spend it with my family, but my parents go to bed early; so I can spend the day with them, but I can't spend the night hanging out with them.

I think most of my friends will be attending a rave (Resolution, Snowglobe, Countdown, Pop NYE, Kaskade, etc.). So maybe I'll spend NYE with some less close friends. I'll have to start asking around...

----

2018 is less than five weeks away. Whoa.

2017 has been an eventful year so far.

We’re about three-quarters of the way through 2017. There are three months left of the year to enjoy. I feel like I was just on my first flight to Portland a few weeks ago, but that was back in February.

It has been an exciting year, a little different from what I've doing in previous years.

I gave myself a ticket budget for EDM events and have been sticking to it. By the end of this year, I will have only attended eleven events:
Crush SF
Phutureprimitive
Andrew Rayel
Anjunabeats
Martin Garrix (free)
Dreamstate SF day 2 (free)
Untz Festival
EDC LV
Prince Fox
Seven Lions
Illenium

I planned actual travel adventures, and I got to check off several first-time bucket list items:
-Visited Portland (to visit Vivi; first time on a plane by myself; second flight ever)
-Drove on the PCH (first solo road trip)
-Visited Santa Barbara (to see Summer)
-Paid off my car loan (despite not getting credit for it)
-Played paintball (my bruises are still there)
-Visited Seattle and Vancouver, Canada (with Matt)
-Left the US for the first time ever in my life
-Visited San Diego/La Jolla
-Flew over the Pacific Ocean to visit Hawaii

I'm proud of myself for trying some new activities and kinda getting out of my comfort zone.

My ticket budget has been easy to stick to. Though, I should have accounted for the events at the end of the year, like Escape and Countdown. I'm a little disappointed that I won't be attending Escape this year. It's one of my favorite events, and the lineup this year makes me happy. I need a little more Darren Styles in my life. But it's okay. I'm sticking to my budget out of principle haha. What's the point of having a budget if I don't follow it? Because of my budget and finishing my car payments, I've been able to save more than twice as much as I have in the three years before. It's an achievement I'm very proud of.

Traveling has been an overall interesting experience. Mostly rewarding. And eye-opening in unexpected ways. I've come to the conclusion that I am not much of a traveler or adventurer. I am a homebody at heart. But I will continue to travel to push myself out of my comfort zone every so often, to visit friends, and to create memories with my friends. I need to start planning and budgeting for 2018.

----

I don't have many set plans for the rest of 2017. Four more shows in October and November (Oh Wonder, Tegan and Sara, Seven Lions, and Illenium). No travels. Maybe my fourth tattoo, maybe not. I'm just thinking about the cost of a half sleeve or even just a mid-size tattoo with color. Hmm... It would be wiser to save the money.

Maybe I'll try to knock out some other bucket list items instead. I should look at my list and see what I can fit in.

----

As for 2018, I have ideas of what I would like to do for the year.

I have just over a year until I will cut my hair. October 17, 2018. I look forward to this day. I feel like this next year is gonna feel slow because I want to cut my hair. Depending on how I feel about my hair at the time, after I cut off the hair I'm donating, I may either keep a short cut (pixie?) or shave everything again haha. So many choices. I can't wait to free my head of the weight haha.

In terms of EDM events, I haven't decided if I will follow another strict budget. I make a little more money now than I did when I created this year's budget. I also don't have car payments anymore. I'm not really saving my money for anything other than to save. But I don't know which direction my job is really going in. I don't know if I'll continue to make as much as I do now. I feel like I should prepare for the worst, even though I may be worrying myself over nothing.

Anyway, what seems to be certain is EDC LV in May. Fifth year with slightly cooler temperatures? Why not? I can't seem to say no haha. And it seems the rave fam wants to go. The less certain festivals are Untz, Electric Forest, and Escape.

Untz Festival is at the beginning of June again, but the festival and parking passes altogether will be at least $30 more than the previous two years. It will also be two weeks after EDC. I don't recover as quickly as I used to; so I don't know if this would be a good idea haha.

Electric Forest at the end of June or beginning of July is also appealing. I've skipped it every time for EDC because of timing and cost. This year, since EDC is a month earlier, there would be little conflict in timing and budget for EF. But I wouldn't have a rave fam to go with.

Also, 10 year high school reunion will be June 30. Gotta think about that too. I can't wait to see my old classmates haha. I can't believe it's already been nine years since I've seen most of them.

Potential travel plans for 2018 include Lake Tahoe, Portland, Colorado, Chicago (Lollapalooza?), East Coast (New York and DC), and London. I want to apply for Global Entry if I do decide to visit London. I want to make my travels as simple and easy as possible. I also kinda feel like 2018 will be my last travel year if I do follow through with these plans. After next year, maybe I'll just travel once or twice a year if at all. Traveling is exhausting; my goals for traveling is just to exist in a new place. Goals have been achieved. It feels good. But I think I'm a bit of a boring travel partner because everyone else enjoys exploring. I just wanna know what it feels like to be a lazy local haha. People-watching in foreign places is awesome.

If I go back to Hawaii, I'm gonna check out Kauai instead of Honolulu and Waikiki. I've been told it's one of the best places for introverts. And I think I would enjoy it very much.

When spring starts next year, I'll finally go whale-watching, skydiving, and riding in a hot air balloon. I say this, but who knows if I'll follow through? I just need to make legit plans and set things into motion.

----

My family is doing all right. Health is holding out. Relations are a little strained. Emotions and moods could be better. But that's nothing new. There had been talks of change in terms of actions and living situations, but everything is still pretty much as it was a year ago. I guess we're maintaining course.

Hmm, I should plan next year with my family and future in mind. Retirement and pre-school costs. So many things to think about.

----

I live a very fortunate life. I live in the US, I am relatively healthy, I have a job that pays me enough to live a comfortable life, and I have the ability to make decisions that contribute to a more fortunate future. I am grateful for the cards I have been dealt.

Sometimes, I'm torn between feeling grateful and feeling undeserving. But I can only move forward and contribute as much good as I can into the world, even if it feels inconsequential. I must try.

Broke to Not-So-Broke

I don't know why it just hit me that I have technically been a broke 21-year-old living with her mom for about a year after college. No work experience, no job, no prospects.

When I finally got my first job at a factory, making $8.50 an hour, I moved out of my mom's and lived out of a suitcase on my ex's futon in her living room for a couple of months. I lived off of many Hot Pockets and the amazing generosity of friends and strangers.

My next job paid me $10 an hour for the work of three people but wouldn't provide me with sufficient training. It was stressful, and there was no support.

I quickly left that job for a two-year contract with a staffing agency at a large tech company. Granted, there was a two and a half week gap in my employment because my new employer couldn't start me when they said they would. And I was laid off a month before my contract ended. But I had been a trainer for a year on that team. So yay, experience!

Fortunately, my site manager believed in me and helped me connect with a recruiter from another agency for the same tech company. I ended up starting on a new team just a week and a half after my last day. I'm hitting my two-year mark on this team in less than two weeks. There have been so many changes in two years; there were times when I doubted my place on this team. I still do, but I'm dealing with it.

So far, I've never worked in the city that I lived in. None of my jobs are related to my degree. Turnover is high at all places I've worked.

I have more money now than I've had before. It's not much, but it's something. I go out and spend way more than I used to. Now, I feel like I actually have to relearn how to enjoy time alone.

Life has been really good to me. I've been able to always keep a roof over my head and some food in my stomach. I've had loving folks take care of me and help me with so many things that I should learn to do on my own. I have many protectors and guardians.

I'm grateful every day of my life. Even when I don't feel it, I know I'm lucky.

Life has been good to me. I question if I've been good to life in return. I hope so.

Rave life chose me.

I've been going to events for more than three years now. Each subsequent year has found me attending more events than the previous. I thought I would slow down, but that didn't happen. Until now.

The rave scene has changed a lot. Granted, people who've been doing this longer than I have have seen way more changes. But I, for one, have started to feel jaded and nostalgic. It's only been three years.

I still want to enjoy the music. I was never really one to connect with the people at events, but I feel more disconnected now than ever. Countdown changed that a bit. I felt more connected than I usually do. It was a nice change. It reminded me of why I started and continued to rave in the first place. I can't quite explain it because I'm not sure I really understand what happened. Everything just seemed to flow together a little better at Countdown than at Escape or even Dreamstate So Cal.

Anyway, there wasn't really a point to that. I just wanted to put the thought down.

I come to the same realization over and over again. I've spent a lot of my income on raving. It's an expensive hobby that requires travel, lodging, food, etc. And lots and lots of rest and recovery. Would I change any of it and spend my money more wisely? Probably not. I've gained a lot of experiences and memories, both wonderful and terrifying, which have helped me grow, learn, and see the world in a different light.

But the sheer amount of money I've spent is mind-boggling to say the least. I never saw myself as a big spender. I still don't. But my bank account would beg to differ. Yeah, I've met people who spent more on a handful of raves than I have in my entire three-year adventure. But for me to throw money at raves so easily, that idea would have baffled me just five years ago.

I guess getting my first job just opened up all these opportunities, and the inner wild child that never experienced much got to do what she wanted to do. And she's been having a hell of a time.

Of course, life catches up sometimes to remind me that I have responsibilities or that I should start thinking about the future a little more carefully. I'm still having trouble doing that, but I'm taking baby steps. I have goals (who would've thought?). Long-term and short-term. Trying to find a balance. Trying to figure out where my priorities lie, how selfish I should be, when I'll make things happen. And these goals keep changing and rearranging haha.

I'm trying to be more thoughtful, while still putting myself first. It's hard not to feel like I'm not doing enough, but I don't even know what enough is. All I can really focus on now is surviving in the Bay, working, helping my family when they need it, and not losing my mind trying to do all this. Mental health issues don't help much, but for now I'm dealing with it. Granted, I've not talked to a doctor about it. Really, I haven't been to a doctor in quite some time. At least a year. I know I'm paying for it, but I'm not utilizing it. I really should, especially if the government is planning to gut the ACA soon :/

Anyway, I'm trying to find new hobbies and rediscover old ones. Trying to ease the financial weight of my current hobby haha. Also, trying to promote self-care. My friend Matt had a conversation with me recently because he was worried about me. It brought to light a lot of issues I've been having and running from. Nothing new. Just stuff that's always been there, that I've fought and struggled with successfully and unsuccessfully. It's a cycle that I often find myself in.

I feel like my thoughts are going in circles now haha. I'm just trying to find some peace, calm, confidence, and a stronger sense of self. Raving used to help me with that, and then it didn't. Now it's kinda helping again. But I gotta make sure I don't go overboard with it. And I want to find other things and activities to help too.

For now, I'm still a little stuck on that. I'm getting back into my sudoku puzzles haha. Been trying to get back into reading, but I'm struggling with that. I'm not sure why. Otherwise, I'm still flipping through ideas for hobbies. What makes it hard is I get more anxiety being around strangers nowadays, which is so funny because I go raving only to be surrounded by strangers all the time. But yeah, I'm trying to work with that. Hence, the solo activities for now. Eventually, I'll hopefully venture out into the world more.

2017... I'm going to travel. Well, I'll try. No EDC. The three times I've left California were to go to EDC Las Vegas. I must go elsewhere.

First up, Portland! I know three friends up there. I can fly! Now, I know I'm okay on a plane after flying back home after Dreamstate. Hoping I can deal with airports on my own... Must book flights soon...

I also want to visit Seattle just because. I want to visit my friend Summer in Santa Barbara; I've never driven down the PCH, and so I look forward to this. Also going to visit a couple of other folks sprinkled about the US. Matt wants to go to Hawaii for his birthday; so that may be a trip I'm planning to do too. I just read a blog about how a guy travelled across the US by train for a couple hundred dollars. That also sounds intriguing.

Travel plans are a reason I want to cut back on raving. Another important one is family. Rough times right now. I feel like I should be ready to help financially. Although, I don't have that much to my name. I should still have something available in case of emergency.

I feel like a bad person. I say I want to help, but I also want to do all these fun things. I am not sure how to reconcile. I'm just moving forward with my plans and hoping that I'm doing right by myself and others.

----

In any case, my 2017 rave ticket budget is $850. I'd do a more detailed budget, but I think budgeting for just tickets is limiting enough haha.

So far, so good. Despite all the temptation, I have only spent a total of $160 for Crush SF in February and Untz Festival in June haha. I think by this time last year, I was set to go to five or six events by the end of March XD

I'm now trying to decide what one or two events I may add between February and June.

CRSSD: March 4-5 in San Diego, a city I have never visited. I like the lineup. Lots of small names I wanna see. About $165. Need to think about travel and lodging.
Beyond So Cal: March 25-26 in San Bernardino, which I've travelled to many times. Still waiting for the lineup. About $190. Travel and lodging can be booked through Insomniac.
Dreamstate: May 27-28 in SF, which I'm fairly familiar with. Won't know the lineup for a while. But this would be the cheapest choice. Usually about $150. Basic commute to SF. Although, it would also be the weekend before Untz. How much energy would I have?

I want to consider Shaky Beats in Atlanta because their lineup is amazing, but my math puts this event way over my budget, especially if I'm trying to spread out my events through the year. I'm also reminding myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't attend all these events. I was fine before I knew they existed. I must not give power to the fomo.

----

First world problems? Yeah, I know... <.<;;

So much partying.

I've gone to at least 12 EDM events this year, excluding tour shows and club events (these are even more numerous); I have two major events left this year, Escape So Cal and Give Thanks. Because I am adamant about paying off my car and cutting back on the partying next year, I'm trying to figure out which events I'll let myself go to in 2016.

So far, I've decided on:
January: Dreamstate SF
September: Beyond Wonderland Bay Area
December: Snowglobe or Decadence CO

This upcoming NYE (3 months away!), I'm gonna do something low-key. I just want a change in pace. Also need to start cutting back, so NYE will be a good starting point. Maybe...

Anyway, back to 2016. I've bought my ticket for EDC's 20th anniversary. So have many members of my rave fam. I'm not sure I want to go. But it is the 20th anniversary. Also the first EDC for quite a few friends. But I also have that stipulation that I wouldn't go unless I was dating someone who wanted to go; I don't think I'll be dating anyone who wants to go haha. What to do? Do I really want to go to Las Vegas a third time? No, not really. But EDC with the whole rave fam... One more time could be worth it.

I also want to go to Electric Forest in Michigan, which is basically right after EDC. It could be an either or situation. Or I could say "screw it" and go to both. I just want to attend a festival outside of California and Nevada haha. Preferably somewhere cooler. I mean, how awesome would it be to dance in the cold? I have no idea, but I want to know. I also just wanna know what it's like to dance in a more natural, green environment instead of a paved dust bowl XD haha.

If I somehow am convinced to go to EDC again, I might try to marathon through to Electric Forest. Depends on how I budget and plan things and how my job situation goes. I could also put off Electric Forest one more year. But if I end up skipping EDC, I think I will definitely be found in the forest in June.


Why am I cutting back? I dunno. I've been going out way too much; it doesn't feel normal to stay in on the weekends anymore, and that's pretty scary. I also want to save money and energy to pay off my car and do other interesting things. I want to find new hobbies. I'm also getting a little bored because these events are almost starting to feel routine; cutting back would probably make these events feel more special again. I'm feeling a little more and more out of place every time I go to an event because I still don't really make new friends. And the body pains are getting worse every time I dance; I used to be able to dance for at least five hours before the back and knee pain set in, but now I barely last an hour or two.

I'd also like to know I have self-control haha. When I say I will or will not do something, I want to keep my word. Really, I just want to have fun doing other things. Free up my weekends to do things I've been wanting to do. Bucket list has been neglected. Must go skydiving and shooting at a range. Want to catch up with a lot of friends.

I also need to learn how to not feel like I'm missing out on things when I don't attend events with my friends. I have to remind myself that I'm not being left behind. I'm just opting to not go.


I know I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I'm a party animal :P But I kinda feel like becoming a non-party animal again, except not. I think I want my default state to be homebody; party animal should be an optional state. It would definitely save me money and energy. Ugh. Energy. I don't recharge as quickly as I used to. I'm getting old.

I just simply want to enjoy life and what it has to offer. I suppose, at the moment, I am conflicted about what part of life I should enjoy. I feel like I've enjoyed enough partying over the past two years. Time to tone it down and enjoy some other facet of life? We'll see what happens.

I cried at work today.

Today was full of good stuff for me. I've only been working for a week, and now I've already cried because of work.

My trainer, Angelica, had asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was tired like I have been all week. She looked at me for a while and then said that I don't eat enough. I said I eat enough. I just don't have any of my own food at home to bring with me to eat yet; I need to wait for my paycheck to come in so that I have money that I'm not saving and can spend. Angelica and a few coworkers asked me if I wanted our other coworkers to chip in to buy or bring me food every day, and I said no. That's just too nice for people to do for a stranger like me, who's probably not staying at this job for too long. Then my coworker Jaswinder asked me if I was eating dinner, and I said, "Yeah, my friend cooks for me." Haha. It's kinda true. I don't think she believed me though because she looked at me like it was a weird thing to say.

At break time, Angelica and some other coworkers bought tamales from a taco truck. Angelica saved two for me. I appreciated it. I saved one for home.

At the end of the work day, I noticed that Angelica had a whole bunch of cash on our table, but I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later after cleanup, she pulled me aside and told me that she knows I don't want any help but everybody there is very nice and really cares about each other. Then she started counting and putting the money into my hand. She also gave me a list of people's name. There was a total of nineteen coworkers who chipped in. $240 in cash. I was awestruck. Angelica had asked coworkers, some I don't even know, during her lunch break to help me out. I had a late lunch, so it was easy for her to surprise me.

So after she gave me the money and explained that everyone there cares and would like me to be ok, I just started crying. I didn't know what to say or do. I just thanked her. It felt like everything around became muted. (And it's a factory, so it's very loud in there.) She told me that even though I've only worked there for a week, she can tell that I'm a good person and a hard worker. I just cried harder.

Man, after an exhausting week, this was the perfect end to it. I came to Knightsbridge Plastics, Inc., thinking it was just a temp job and I probably wouldn't get to know people all that well. But in a week, I've talked to a handful of people who are pretty awesome. And now some of those people and others I haven't met have given me something. I don't know how to repay them. I just feel so grateful to be surrounded by such thoughtful, awesome, lovely people. Today made me realize it wouldn't be so bad to continue working here.

However, that leads me to the next good thing that happened today. The hiring manager from Randstad called me and told me that there's a possible job opening for me. I told her I could start a week from Monday, April 1; I'd like to be able to give a few days' notice to my current employer. Details haven't been finalized yet, but the chance is there. Tomoyo, the manager, just wanted to give me a head's up, in case I was still looking for work. Even though the kindness that I was given today made me feel better about working at KPI, I would still like a job that helps me save more by being closer to home or paying more. Anyway, Tomoyo said that she would call me back on Monday to let me know for sure and to let me have a few days to decide if I would like to take the job.

I don't know what I will do about the job. I'll probably take the Randstad job if it's officially offered. We'll see what happens. I might just feel kinda sad to leave all these nice friends I've started making. We don't really have any reason to talk outside of work. But who knows what will happen until I leave? Maybe I'll get some emails or numbers, and we'll all hang out. Haha probably not. Most of my coworkers are busy with work and families... But these are the kinda people I would like to be friends with. We need more people like them. I'm lucky to have met some of them.

Anyway, the rest of my day was eventful, I suppose. I went to Chase today to open a bank account. I was in such a good mood that I actually chatted with the banker who was helping me. Talking to people seemed a little easier and more fun today.

And I just realized I forgot the apartment number in my address when I was opening the bank account. Ahh, so stupid -_- It's been a while since I've had to add an apartment number to my address.

Hmm, I also visited Dexter today. Played with him for a bit. Fed him a little bit, even though I wasn't supposed to :P I smelled like wet dog when I left him. Also felt really bad that he was alone. He started whining when I was leaving /: I realize I don't know if I could handle having a dog. A cat, maybe. Dogs need a little too much attention. I'd like a pet who knows when I need to be alone and can be ok home alone.

Oh, another stupid thing I did. I almost caused a car accident on the way home from Dexter. I didn't realize the lane I was in was merging with the lane on my right. When I realized I was about to hit the car next to me, I swerved and nearly hit the car in the lane on my left -_-; I didn't see either car. I was paying attention too... I think me driving on five hours or less of sleep is hazardous. Tonight, I pass out and get at least eight hours. Hopefully.

I'm actually pretty sleepy right now. Also hungry. Waiting for Shiva and Mai to come back from food shopping to make dinner <.< I need to eventually not depend on other people for my meals.

Ooh, can't wait for the hard ciders. And beers another night. Ooh, maybe I can buy a pack... Or not. There's not much space in the fridge. And I should spend money on things I need, not want >: Maybe when I have more spending money. An occasional six-pack wouldn't be harmful or wasteful...

Ah, let the weekend begin.

I'm going to become a real adult!

So I think I'm actually going through with the Fremont job. How exciting. First step into the world. Sad that I'm saying it at age 22, but happy that I'm finally saying it.

Need to think through everything I have to do soon to officially be independent legally. Have to sign a rental agreement, change my address at the DMV, change my address at the post office, and get copies of the agreement and DMV changes. Fill out and submit forms and proof about the change in household composition to Housing Authority for Mother. Notify SSA of the household change as well.

Not too many things to do, but it still feels overwhelming because this is an all-or-nothing kinda deal. Once I'm legally independent, I can no longer depend on Mother to financially support me. If I crash and burn, my family won't be able to help me because our financial situation will drastically change once I'm out of the house. They've made that very clear. And I knew it too. I never plan to come begging for their help as soon as something gets too hard. I don't want to do that. I think I actually have enough pride to want to avoid that haha.

I could make this work. Mother's pessimism has gotten me to question my ability to survive. But I'm fairly confident I can make things work. Still looking for a job in San Jose so that my minimum pay will be $10 an hour and my workplace will be closer. I don't know how that will work out; it might just be a repeat of the past year of my job search. But it's ok. At least I'll have some kinda job for now.

Worst case scenario at this assembly job, according to http://www.suburbancomputer.com/tips_calculator.php, I can still take home about $200 a week after taxes. Assuming that this calculator is actually accurate, I can manage. My original estimates of what I need were based on San Jose's previous minimum wage anyway. As long as the costs of rent and everything don't skyrocket over the next year, I should be able to live comfortably with savings slowly adding up. I can do this!

Oh, I gotta remember to open a bank account when I move out too. Switch to direct deposit. Oh, and Coinstar. I seriously hope that will add at least another $200 to my savings...

I'm already making plans for the future :) I'm so excited. Not necessarily plans related to finance or housing, but just life in general. All the fun stuff. I never do that. It's still so strange for me to look forward to the future. Even a little bit.

Oh, and I think my cleaning-out/organizing/reorganizing frenzy is gonna infect Mother. She wants to clean out our garage of junk, since I'm leaving. Also, some junk collecting thing is happening at the elementary school near us. I've been trying to get her to start clearing junk out. Finally! Now we'll see how easy it is for her to let go of stuff that we haven't seen in years.


Aaaanyway, childhood photos! I've totally forgotten the rest of what I was going to say for this entry. Oh well. Baby photos!

I officially have a job.

Finally!

I got an interview with Aerotek, a staffing agency. Initially, they were going to offer me a recycling center job that pays $10 an hour and has 60-hour work weeks, so lots of overtime. I think I could have done that, but that would have been extremely tiring. I'm not a night person. Working from 1 to 1 doesn't sound too fun. If I had decided to do that job, I probably would have worked from 1am to 1pm instead of 1pm to 1am. Either way, doesn't sound that great. Though, the overtime pay would have been nice.

So they offered me another job: medical device assembly. Starts on Monday. Supposedly, $8.25 an hour, or minimum wage. 32-hour weeks guaranteed. That's what the guy told me. Except I think minimum wage in Fremont is just $8.00 an hour. Oh well, I wrote $8.25 on the forms because that's what he told me.

I know that's not much money, but I just want some work experience. The money can happen later. And it's not like I'm going to spend much. The plan still is to move in with Shiva and Killol for a month or two to save money. Maybe by the time I rent my own room, I'll have a higher paying job.

I just needed a jumpstart on my official work history.

Early this morning, I actually had scheduled an interview with Domino's Pizza for a delivery driver position downtown. I was getting ready to go to that interview, but Mother got mad at me for applying for it at all. "You could get robbed! Grown men don't even want to do delivery jobs because they know they could be robbed." So I canceled the interview to calm her down, except she wouldn't calm down.

Then I received an email about a Craigslist ad I responded to. A documenting project in north San Jose for the state prison system. I replied to the email but haven't received any response since. It would pay $10 an hour. Full-time guaranteed. Job would last at least nine months. It's actually somewhat related to my degree.

Since I hadn't received any reply to that email and got a call from Aerotek, I went to the Aerotek interview. Nice people.

Anyway, I guess I'll stick with this assembly job for now. See how it works out. And if the documenting job pans out, I could just quit the assembly job and start working on the documenting job. Though, I guess I would feel bad for quitting so soon. But I hope they would understand that I had to jump at any job offers I could get. Today, Aerotek's offer was the best I could get. If the documenting job works out, then that will probably be the best offer.

So now that I officially have a job, that means I have to start filing paperwork to move out of Mother's place. Sadly, I don't get a week to do all of it. I have this weekend and the afternoons after work.

But I can't wait to finally move out. Mother is trying to convince me that I need to come home every day to eat, except that's a waste of my gas money, which I won't have very much of.

Oh man, I hope everything works out. Once I move out, I'm hoping things will get a little simpler. And I hope I'll finally find the motivation and time to do the things I want to do, like exercise. Need to start running or something. It's ridiculous how unenergetic I have become.

Since I probably won't be making that much for a while, I will probably stay in even more than I usually do. Just want to save as much as I can. Then find a really cheap room to rent. Like $300 a month. I could go without immediate access to Internet and TV.

I just want to be able to simplify my life. Simple living. Is that too much to ask for? Mother seems to think so. She thinks I'm gonna crash and burn once I leave her home. I'm so sad that she has so little faith in me. I'm so sad she still thinks I'll be just like Brother. How unfair. I'm not him. I'm not like him. I don't want her to continue to treat me like a child. I wanna live my life on my own.

Baby steps. I will get to where I want to be. I will become the person I want to be. Just need to slowly pry Mother's very strong fingers off of me.

I'm so excited. While my job might not be the most exciting news ever to someone else like Mother, I'm so happy to start working. To get started on my life away from family. I'm finally going to be productive. I just want to be happy. I want a simple and satisfying life. I feel like this job is a step in that direction, whether I have my family's full support in it or not.

I currently don't have very high aspirations--I never really did. I don't know if I ever will. But I'm not complaining. Other people might say I'm settling or I'm not trying hard enough. That's how they see it, which is fine. I don't see it like that. I don't know exactly where I want my life to go, so I can't really head in a specific direction. I'm all right with just going where life takes me. See what's offered and what opportunities I'm willing to take. I might not take the best opportunities every time, but I'm totally fine with that. As long as life treats me well and I'm happy, it's all good. Simple and satisfying, that's all I'm asking for. If I'm not struggling to survive, I'm not going to complain.

I'll be happy for the friends who make it far and reach their higher goals, and I'll be happy for the friends who just make it. And I'll also be happy for and proud of myself no matter how far I get, as long as I know we're all living well, honestly, and happily.

I can't be a spendthrift.

It's not in my blood.

I wonder how much money my family would have saved over the years if Mother wasn't religious or superstitious. I think it would be well into the thousands. Add in all the money she has spent on clothes, accessories, and jewelry she didn't need. Plus other unnecessary, aesthetic-related things. We would have had tens of thousands to spend on food, rent, and maybe even a family vacation here and there.

I know I'm not innocent either. I've spent money on things I didn't need. Movies, concerts, dance clubs, expensive food, Anime Expo, mini trips to other cities in California, random knickknacks that I ended up giving/throwing away years later, books that I read once. Mainly food that I don't need to eat.

The difference between Mother and me is that I know I waste money on things I don't need, so I try to cut back. She won't acknowledge that she's spent so much money on unnecessary things because she wanted to have the perfect image. Instead of spending that money on things we needed like a car or insurance or bills. And she always blamed someone else for the debt. I mean, yeah, Brother has given us debt. But so has Mother. But she won't take responsibility. It's always "But I needed that." Who needs jewelry to live? Who needs expensive clothing or accessories that are only worn once or twice? Why spend money on things you don't want to use because you're afraid people will think you're rich and rob you?

I want to move out and make my own living. So I can spend my money the way I want to spend it. Just so I know and I can prove that I'm not like Mother and Brother. I'm not gonna be buying new toys and accessories every other week. I don't need that stuff. It's so much clutter =___= And that's just annoying.

If I had a say in what to keep or throw out of this house, we would probably have less than half the things we currently own. Alas, I don't; so all this clutter is just going to annoy me until I move out. All this clutter will continue to be a reminder of how wasteful of our money we are. We can't save anything. We used to save a lot. I don't know what happened.

So annoyed.

San Jose Minimum Wage 2012

So the votes have been counted. We're going to have a new low: $10 an hour.

Congratulations, Myers-Lipton and the SJ Living Wage Campaign.

Now, I feel like it's going to be even more difficult for me to find a minimum-wage, full-time job. But anything can happen, yeah? Like maybe I'll move to another city to find a job. We'll see.

Initially, I was behind increasing the minimum wage to $10 an hour because it sounded great; more people at the bottom can afford things they need. But soon enough, I realized changing the minimum wage doesn't change much. It doesn't encourage job creation, but it also doesn't discourage it. If your costs go up or profits go down, you increase your prices to make up for it. If you make more money, you spend more money. But if prices go up, you have to spend more money than you used to anyway.

Prices go up with the costs.

Why can't everything be free? And we all just do as much as we can to contribute to the creation and freeness of everything haha. That would be nice. But human beings can be lazy, selfish, thoughtless, greedy, etc etc. Yeah yeah yeah... It was just a thought.

Achievable Goals to Reach in Two Years

I have a lot of things I want to do by the time I'm 24 that I couldn't do in the past four years. You know, after I get a job or two and save enough money.

Moving out; paying for my own rent, food, and gas; Electric Daisy Carnival; Warped Tour; road trip; camping; and much, much more.

I've wanted to move out since I was 17. At times, being home feels like being imprisoned. I'm at the mercy of Mother's moods. I can't step outside my house without fear of admonishment unless I had asked for permission beforehand. I need to get away from that. I've only recently started to "inform" Mother of events I go to, instead of asking. Sometimes, it's ok; other times, I deal with hours of disparaging comments before she lets me go. That's if she lets me go. I'm 21 now, closing in on 22 in less than five months. I am still a child in this family. The only time I am treated as an adult is when I'm being held responsible for my childish actions, such as staying out too late. Even then, I'm not really an adult; I'm a child who knows no better and should listen to her mother because mother knows best. Mother does not know best. Mother does not know her daughter. This daughter needs to move out and live independently. I need to do things for myself, instead of waiting for someone else to tell me if it's ok to do it. I'm trying to rehabilitate my autonomy; it was damaged sometime in my youth, maybe around fifth or sixth grade haha. Moving out on my own would be a sort of catharsis, or I feel like it would be. Just a large stepping stone that I've been afraid to approach.

As part of being an adult, I would like to pay for my own things. I don't like that my family still pays for everything. I haven't earned any of the things that I own or consume. I didn't want my car because I wasn't the one paying for it. But I will have to settle for paying back my family for all the material things that they've gotten for me. Before I can do that though, I do need to earn enough to save first and then repay later. I want to be responsible for as much as I can be responsible for. I will not depend on my family for sustenance. When I can take care of myself, I don't want to have to fall back on my family in times of need. I'm not putting him down, but I don't want to be like Brother. I will not drain my family of resources because of my shortcomings. I will be responsible for me and my life.

EDC has been a goal since I had heard of it a couple of years ago. Brother was supposed to go, but things didn't work out for him. We wanted to go this year, but again things didn't work out. But he and I are aiming for next year. And this plan has potential as long as I can find some work and gradually save. I'd have to save at least five hundred dollars, depending on how we plan out the trip. This is one of my bigger and more highly anticipated goals because I've never left California, and EDC will be in Las Vegas :) So it's a very exciting prospect.

Same with Warped Tour. I've been wanting to go since middle school haha. It's been many years of wanting. This is more achievable than EDC since the event costs less than a hundred dollars.

Thinking over these last two goals, I would be fine if I never went to these. I'm not a fan of being surrounded by a lot of people. And I don't need to enjoy live music. However, if these things are achievable and I can enjoy them with people I love, I will do it. I've been told I need to live a little. I do that in my own, small ways. But once in a while, spicing it up with huge events wouldn't be so bad.

I'd like to go on a road trip. Again, this is another adventure I've wanted to go on for years. Probably since high school when I was learning how to drive. I still just want to go on a Destination Anywhere type of road trip. Though, if my friends have destinations they want to go to, I'm all for it too. I personally just want to go somewhere. I just want to drive and enjoy the drive. This will happen. It may or may not happen before I'm 24, but I won't rule it out.

Camping... Ah, camping. I've never really been on a camping trip. There was the sixth grade trip, but I hardly remember it and I probably wouldn't consider it camping if I did remember. I'd like to enjoy nature and just be away from the masses. I'd also like to improve my survival skills haha.

Now that I've finished college, I really want to do something for myself instead of my family. School was for my family. I've done that. Work was supposed to be for my family too. However, like I said, I'm rehabilitating my autonomy. This means I need to start living for myself. Not keeping myself alive for my family or my friends. I will do things for myself, for my life, for my happiness (too). Work, when I find it, will be for me.

I feel selfish for saying any of this. For saying what I want. But I've been talking to friends, and I'm realizing I need to be considerate for myself as much as I am for other people. This is what I know. My mind still wants to reject the idea that I can and should live for myself. I fight this urge to reject every day. And every day, I feel like I'm winning a battle. Of course, I have my days where I'm completely obliterated by my pessimism. But there's a lot of things I need to fight and change. With some encouragement, I'm sure eventually my natural optimism will win over my learned pessimism.

I'm making changes in my life. Ones that I never thought I could make. I'm making them now. I used to always think it was too late to improve my life, that I would always be stuck. Or if I did, I'd be another Hollywood movie in real life, where someone else inspires me and mentors me through my challenges and there would be people watching. But it's not like that. My life is my movie. I'm the only one directing and watching it from beginning to end. There might be friends who watch parts of my movie and have roles in it, but they've got their own movies to direct and star in as well.

There's so much I could say right now, but ah there goes that memory of mine, forgetting thoughts and words.

I'm feeling good. I'm not feeling great. I have yet to get there. But I'm at a point where my life doesn't feel so hopeless. It's still a little hopeless sometimes, but I'm getting better at handling it. I feel less and less alone every day that I spend time alone. I'm feeling happier with myself, even though I still have some anger and hate directed toward myself. Like I said, I'm making changes. I'm also less dependent on others to provide my happiness. It's funny how that's working. I should have taken some time to get to know myself better a long time ago.

Better late than never, as the saying goes.

I've been abusing my free time...

Kinda. I said I shouldn't, but I can't help it. Sometimes, I just want to watch YouTube videos or sleep or just sit somewhere and do nothing.


School has been all right. I go to campus early usually and sit somewhere to read or complete crossword puzzles. My classes feel overwhelming, but I'm getting my work done. This weekend was dedicated to getting work done early. Though I haven't finished everything I wanted to do this weekend, I've gotten quite a few things done early, so that's good. I still need to get started on two or three papers; one of which is due on my birthday XP I still also have to start volunteering, but the place I told my prof I was going to volunteer at has not responded to me at all. So I need to find some time this week to go there and see what's going on.

Can't go to QTIP this semester because it starts at the same time as my Capstone class -.- I'm probably only going to Q&A every other week or so. I need to focus on getting my homework done. So slooowwww D8 I feel like my brain slowed down so much. I usually pick up speed in school pretty quickly after it starts, like a few days into the semester. But I'm already going into week 4 or 5, and I still don't feel like I'm keeping up ):


So today, the family went to T-Mobile to switch plans since our Verizon contract is done. Brother got a Samsung Galaxy. D, Mother, and I got touchscreen phones. D and Brother are using temporary phones while the store orders their phones.

I went on Facebook to state that people should text me or call me so that I have their phone numbers in my new phone, since I don't feel like transferring everything over and I don't talk to most of my contacts anyway. People who care shall let me know they want me to have their numbers XP Well, if they get the message haha.


In other news, I will no longer be using my Bose headphones O: It's been four amazing years with them. But I no longer have a strong fondness for them. They still work well, but I would rather have something cheaper and much more low-key. And smaller. I'm gonna use Mother's phone ear-headset that came with her new phone. She won't need it, and I don't care too much about sound quality as long as it doesn't sound like I'm listening to static. But the quality of the headset is actually pretty good. Family wants me to get actual headphones, but meh, we'll see. They said I should at least take Brother's headset when his phone comes in. We'll see.

But yes, you will probably no longer see me sporting those Bose headphones. Now, I will be sporting earbuds/phone headset hahaha. It's cool. I like "downgrading." I don't need hella expensive things to enjoy my life. I like small and simple :) I wish my family would let me make my life small and simple, but nooo, I have to keep up with the rest of society. And sure, I want to keep up with some things. But that's just some things, not everything.

Also, this way, I'm not wasting AAA batteries for the headphones. Nor will Brother, since he doesn't have as much time as I do to listen to music. I wonder when he would have time to use those headphones. Hmm...


Oh, so have you been checking out the news lately? Makes me sad. Though, I guess the news usually makes me sad anyway with all the violent deaths and stuff. Reno and West Virginia recently had one plane crash each during an airshow. Vintage WWII airplanes. A firefight between police and insurgents in Kabul. Michelle Le's body has been found near Sunol and Pleasanton. Cindy Nguyen was murdered in San Jose by a parolee who is still at large.
It seems I have at least one friend who knew Cindy, and Mother met her at least once about nine years ago.

September 11 was a week ago. Nothing majorly bad happened. Just people being extra cautious.


Not sure how much of a social life I am maintaining this semester. I want to, and I don't want to. I want to keep on top of my schoolwork, but I also want to hang out. Ahh, I suck at balancing my life ;-;

Harrison is gonna celebrate his birthday in October at a hotel. I would like to go to that, but I must figure out how I will go and come home without making Mother suspicious that I will be up to no good. Which I won't. I don't plan to do anything stupid. I don't plan to drink. I probably won't even stay for too long. I just wanna go and hang out for a bit. But I wouldn't be able to go home if everyone there gets drunk -_- Must figure out soon.

Queer Prom is gonna be the weekend after Harrison's party. I plan to go to that. But I must figure out where I'm spending the night or how I'll get home. Hmm... But I would like to dance with friends. It's been a while -nods-

Brother's birthday is the day after the dance. Must be home to celebrate with him. Well, unless he's celebrating with his friends instead.


Ok, time to get back to homework. Done with everything that's due the next two days. But I'd like to get more stuff done early.

Must get back to my nerdy, school-oriented self, if ever there was a self like that XD

Idiocy in relation to summer units...

Yesterday (Tuesday) morning, I got an email from the Sociology Department with an add code for the Sociology 154 class (Non-Conforming Behavior) I wanted to take over the summer. So I added it, thinking I could drop my Tuesday/Thursday Social Problems class. But no.

So I went to campus to try to figure out how to drop the class. Waited half an hour for the Sociology Department to open after lunch. Their schedule says they are closed from noon to 1, but their lunch lasted until 13h30 -_- And the department couldn't help me.

Went to the Student Services Center. Registrar window. Learned I had to fill out a drop form because the last day to drop without a "W" grade passed. So after that day, I need consent to drop courses.

I went to the AS Print Shop to print the form. But it turned out I needed to write a personal statement, provide documentation as proof that I have to drop the class, and get the signatures from both the class instructor and the chair of my department.

After waiting in a long line, I talked to Financial Aid to see if I would get a fee deferral for the summer session, since the fee due date was the 16th (today). The lady who assisted me laughed at me and said that the office had a lot of papers to get through, so I would just have to be patient -_- I also asked her if my financial aid amount would increase if I added a third class, and she told me no (LIAR!). That freaked me the hell out.

So I rushed home to get a start on class-drop stuff. Spent late hours typing up the personal statement and looking up stuff I would need to complete the drop form. Printed out hella papers for proof.

But in between the time I got home from campus and the time I went to bed, I had to do a bunch of things for Mother and people. Stupid friggin' car stuff. Stupid airbag sensor fail. Had to drive to D's workplace because Mother and I borrowed his car. I drove his car, while Mother drove our car. She took the main roads. I took the freeway. So I got there early and was able to talk to D about the financial situation. He was more worried about the workload/stress I would have to endure (Surprisingly, later, Brother told me he was also more concerned about the workload than the money stuff too).

I was just really stressed out yesterday about the money.

Then today, I went to campus to try to get signatures and ask more questions about the financial stuff. Went to the Bursar's Office first, where I should have gone to first yesterday to save me from all the major stressing out and crap. I asked about refunds and stuff. Turns out I can drop the class and have six units, but I would still have to pay for the original nine units that I registered for. No refunds for students who drop a class but are still enrolled in the semester D: That's friggin' horrible.

So I decided I should just keep all three classes. Get my money's worth, right?

After that, I met up with Shiva but then went to the Financial Aid office again. No lines. And a much more helpful person. I asked about the fee deferral, and she said it wasn't on my account. But then she added the deferral to my account for me. Then I asked her about the aid amount increase for adding another class. She told me my award does increase (YESSS. The other lady lied to me >_<).

Sadly, instead of having to make up the original $700-difference in the cost and the award for the six units, now my family has to pay $861.50 T-T But I guess that's much better than the >$1500 that I had expected to pay yesterday when the lady told me my award wouldn't increase. Though, this still sucks.

I left the SSC feeling a lil better but still disappointed (mostly in myself). $861.50. I could have saved my family the extra $160 if I had planned better or had decided to just suck it up and stay home for the summer. Haha Shiva gave me a hug to make me feel better XP

I really just feel like shit about this whole thing. Money that my family shouldn't have to try to scrounge up so that I can take classes ):

But now that that is settled, my next big worry is the three-course load. Two courses seems tiring enough. But three? x.x Will I survive? Three four-hour classes. They're actually three hours and forty-five minutes long. Two on MW, one on TR. If I could drop Social Problems, I'd only have the two classes on MW. Alas, that is not the case. Five weeks of classes. Almost 24 (actually 22.5) hours of class a week XP I might end up crying sometime during the five-week period haha.

I don't think I'll be going out or anything like that much during those five weeks XP Hopefully will just be spending a lot of time on campus like I did during the past semester.

Oh, after the session is over, I'll have less than two weeks before the Fall semester starts. Will I crash during those two weeks? Highly probable. Will I bounce back in time for the semester? Who knows? I don't.

And ahhh, I hope I pass all my classes XP


Anyway, apparently, today, someone tried to break into my house when no one was home. But no one got in. They tried to get in through the bathroom window. They pulled out the outer screen and pushed the window wide open.

I doubt anyone would want to just drop in. A pretty high drop onto the bathtub. Anyway, Mother's extremely paranoid. She's suspecting every Hispanic person who passes our house now -_-

And she got mad at me for not being home. And she's mad at me because I won't be home when I start summer session -_- Really?

This kinda sucks. One of the main reasons I decided so late to take summer courses was to get away from the house or rather Mother herself.

She wants to pick me up from school and drive me back to school during the six-hour break I'll have on Mondays and Wednesdays -_- No. No way. I already planned some of this stuff out. Go to Statistics at 9h00. Get out at 12h45. Chill with Shiva, do homework, eat lunch, do more homework, nap if possible. Then go to Non-Conforming Behavior with Shiva at 18h00. Get out at 21h45. Take the light rail home. Though, I have to admit going home that late at night is gonna suck. But I've done it before, so -shrug-

Tuesdays and Thursdays should be ok but short. Start at 9h00 and get out at 12h45. Mother will probably make me go home early. Unless... I need help with my class XP I probably will. Do not know how I will handle my classes yet. But if Shiva's there to help me, I'll be aiight, yeah? :D


Anyway, if you wanna hang out like hella, we should kick it before July 12th when my session starts, which is about four weeks away. Session ends on August 12th, but I think I will be too exhausted to do much after that haha. I dunno.

So sad. I wanted to get out of San Jose/Bay Area for a lil while during the summer. Guess not? Oh well. Unless someone kidnaps me, riight? haha. Anyone still planning to go to SoCal anytime this summer? XP

That's a somewhat serious question. If anyone's going to SoCal for a few days before or after my summer session, lemme know when, how you're getting there, where you're staying, and if I can join you, k? I really need to get out for a while.


Mm, that's all for today. So tired.

Tomorrow, I'm driving Mother and Brother to his court thing. I'm not sure if and what I'm hoping for with his court case. But maybe things will work out well for us all in the end, mm? Minimal financial impact, yes? I dunno. Here's to not thinking too much about sad stuff.


Edit (21h39): I just realized that when I was figuring how many units and classes I needed for graduation, I neglected to include the SJSU Studies courses, or Upper GEs. So those R, S, and V classes would add an extra semester. Or not, if I decide to take at least 15 units a semester. Hm, fun stuff.

When I fall hard, that means I'm trying

Internet! Yay. I have been without Internet for four days. Normally, I wouldn't mind it. But I have been waiting for urgent emails and Facebook messages -_- Well, D fixed my Internet, so when I go home, I will be connected again.

Again, sad that technology rules my life. I need a hobby, as I've said so many times before.


Anyway, this week has been a good week. Seriously. I was pretty happy this week. Or at least content. Very little family drama, very little anger. Of course, when I acknowledged this yesterday, Mother had to ruin it. I guess I jinxed it.


Wednesday, two or three of the followers in my dance class told me I was a good leader :) That made me happy. I know I'm getting better. Just didn't think I was getting good enough for people to notice :P

Also, one of the girls who was really bothered about dancing with me seemed to warm up. She didn't throw my hands away when we finished dancing. She smiled. And she actually spoke in sentences to me. Before, it was just a nod, a forced smile, and "yeah" "mm hmm." Progress, yay!

Thursday, I wasn't in class for much of the day. Physics lasted like half an hour because Shao wanted to give us a break (a much needed one). In Philosophy, we got out a little bit early because Prof Giddings had to leave early.

Went to Game Night. Kinda late because Christina got lost finding my place. Ended up with only five people showing up for Game Night. Might have been because of the Fire in the Fountain thing, Homecoming stuff. But it was fun. Played Mario Kart and Brawl. I kept losing XP I don't like the Wii remote. Christina brought a board game, but no one really wanted to play haha. The Settlers of Catan or something like that. Maybe next week.

Friday, hockey. Had a sub. He worked us a little harder than Mike or Matt. I actually participated in the activities this time. Of course, I was always last to finish. And I got the easier courses 'cause I couldn't keep up. And I kept falling. Still clumsy. I might be imagining it, but I think I fell even harder than I did last week. Painful. My butt hurts. Eventually, my left leg went numb, so I sat out for the last half hour of class. Regained feeling, yay, glad I didn't break anything.

When I was leaving the building, one of my classmates, whom I've never spoken to, yelled out to me, "Hey, you're getting better!" or something to that effect. I was happy. Of course, it's possible that she wasn't talking to me; she was kinda far away :P

Two compliments in a week haha. Of course, people could just be saying nice, polite things, but it feels good to hear these things. I never thought that compliments could actually lift my spirits. I always just accepted them as niceties, except when I said them. Usually. I can never tell when people are being genuine, so I either give them the benefit of the doubt or, when I'm in a pessimistic mood, believe they're just being nice not genuine.


Ah, well, that was my week. The only thing that sucked about it was Mother made me order a $200 diamond ring from Jewelry TV. I seriously wish I was mute. I would never have to speak on the phone again. Anyway, yeah, wasting money on something she can't even use, something I don't care for. Ah, c'est la vie, right?


Ayee, I've got an essay to work on this weekend. Due Wednesday. Need research. Shoot.

Now, I gotta go read the rest of my emails and Fb messages. Important stuff. Seriously. I can't believe I haven't been on my accounts in days.

WTF Rally. I'm so tired..

So after the blog entry this morning, I IMed Maggie and asked her to text me saying "let's go study physics at the library now." I temporarily changed her name in my phonebook, so that my mom would believe me. I really needed to leave the house.

Mother dropped me off at the light rail station at 11. I went to SJSU with the intention of sitting on a bench, doing my homework, and maybe thinking about the early morning situation. Instead, I decided to check out the WTF Rally.

I was going to just stand and watch for a little bit. However, I ended up joining the march around campus and to the state building that is across the street from campus. I think the turnout was maybe 200-300 students. I can't really be sure. I ran into Mark (from AAS and the night dance classes). Stuck with him most of the time. I didn't really recognize anyone else, except for a few people from QTIP.

The chants were good. I was feeling better with every chant and shout. My favorite was "Hey hey. Ho ho. The budget cuts have got to go." One of the chants was too fast for me to keep up with. Ah, I wish I had kept the blue paper with the chants typed on them. I gave it to Mark. I still have the sticker that says "The CSU is the solution! Stop the Budget Cuts!" though; it's on my backpack.

When we ended at Tower Hall, a couple of people stood up front and shared their experiences with the budget cuts or spoke inspirational words about the fight. Brooke B was one of the first people up there, standing up for our generation and future generations.

The end of the rally included a bbq, but Mark and I went to the library to study. I got some reading done. Mark left before I did. I had to finish some stuff. Then I left at 1430.

Today was really hot, and I was wearing a lot of black. I was drenched in sweat. I hadn't planned on joining the march. I should have; I wouldn't have worn so much black and probably wouldn't have brought my backpack with me either. Oh well, next time, maybe.


This morning, I had intended to go to SJSU to sit and think/cry freely. But it didn't happen obviously. Now, I kinda wish I did sit and cry. Let it all out. Now, I'm home, and I can't do shit. All I can do is listen. Listen, listen, listen.

Why did I choose to go to campus? Well, I didn't know who I could go to. If I had someone to go to, I would have gone to them. But I don't, so school was the only place I could think of to go to. Next time, I'll just drive myself to a park or something. Just out of the house and away from the angry.


Now, I don't know what we're going to do about the bathroom wall. That's where the hole is. Every time my mom goes in there, she just gets angry all over again.

Anyway, I'm not sure if we could just do the usual newspaper and plaster thing because our houseowner is a handyman. He would know immediately if he saw it.

Not good. Though, I guess we can be relieved that Tony didn't throw his $250 phone.

And I don't know if things have cooled down between my mom and brother. My mom hadn't been home since I left. My brother's been sleeping and still is.

The way things happened this morning, I don't really know what's going to happen. Mother wanted him out of the house. Brother swore at her and told her to "shut the fuck up." You don't know how many times I've wanted to say that to the both of them. But of course I never do. Because I know it does more damage than anything else. Especially when no one here ever listens to anyone but him or herself.

You know what's missing in my house? It's not love. It's respect. No one has any respect for each other. We have "love," pity, regret, and maybe remorse. I know our mom doesn't respect either of us. Or she doesn't respect us enough. And don't you for a second believe parents shouldn't have to respect their children. Respect is mutual, reciprocal, give-and-take. How can you expect your kids to respect you if you don't reciprocate?

And I'm going to be honest. I haven't had much respect for my family since I was about 12. I remember. When I was twelve, things just got fucked up worse than they had been before. Preventable damage. But no one wants to admit it. They just want to blame each other, somebody, anybody.

And you know what? I'm usually never a part of the problem. The problem lies solely between my mom and my brother. I'm just a bystander, collateral damage. And I can't even take the shit that they say or do. And I know my family problems are little in comparison to other people's. But that just means if I can't handle this life, I don't know how I would survive any other crappy life.

I'm not a strong person. I can't deal with this shit, even if it's not my problem. I feel like I don't have what it takes to stand up and fix my family. Like fixing my family is even possible. They don't even want to acknowledge that anything needs fixing.

I wish, I wish, I wish... I could leave. No more conflict, no more anger, no more. I'm tired of dealing with this. I'm just tired.

Verizon Upgrades

How exciting.

Basics:
Brother got a BlackBerry Tour - $149.99.
Mother got an LG enV3 - $129.99. Free after rebate.
D got my LG Dare.
I got a Verizon Wireless Blitz - $29.99.

Three cool phones for the three oldest. One adorable phone for the adorablest ^_^ haha

I was originally going to get the enV2, but then Mother wanted it. So I chose the Blitz. Still good and very cheap. At the store, we found out that they don't sell the enV2 anymore. So Mother then wanted the BlackBerry Storm but without the Internet. Obviously, you can't get the phone without the Internet. So then she chose the enV3. I told her to get the LG Versa. Same as the Dare but thinner. And way cheaper too. But no, she wanted us to pay more for functions that she won't use.

In the end, we found out her phone would be "free." So we just let her get that phone.

But yeah, fun stuff. Right now, my number is still on the Dare. D's number is in the Blitz. Tony has to call customer service to switch them and unblock my number :D Yay, soon, everyone will know when I call ^_^ No more ignoring my calls haha.


Ok, now I'm starving. So I'm gonna go eat In N Out. Then homework.

Yes, I'm going to eat my homework.

Financial Aid 2009-2010

Did some math. Checked my student account. Turns out I don't get much financial aid this semester. I didn't even notice.

Last year, I received two checks. So I thought it would be the same this year.

My tuition is about $2700 this semester. My aid money was about $3100. I only got a $437 check. It's the only check I'm getting for this semester.

However, next semester, I'm apparently getting about $8000 in aid. But since SJSU tuition goes up ten percent every semester (and it might go up even more), my tuition would be about $3000. So my reimbursement would be about $5000. This is only because I'm getting CAL Grant B next semester. Could really use some of that this semester. I mean the $437 barely pays for my books but doesn't fully cover my hockey class.

Anyway, Mother is bothering me so much right now, telling me to find a job. It's so annoying. And she has to do this every time I decide I'm going to go look for a job. Every single fuckin time. Always makes me change my mind. So I'm not gonna start looking. I'm so spiteful. If she would just shut up, I would actually try. I hate doing things that people order me to do. If she could learn to ask or politely suggest, I'd listen. But no, just orders. Can't she just let it be my decision instead of hers? No, everything has to be her decision. Grr.

No more CARS for us :P

So we went to a Toyota dealership on Whipple Road in Redwood City.

On the way there, we were in the carpool lane in D's van. Suddenly, we hear like a miniature crashing sound. I looked in the side rear view mirror (I was sitting in the passenger seat), but I didn't see anything. Of course, we were going at 75 mph. However, sitting all the way in the backseat, Tony yelled for D to exit off the freeway because he thought something might have fallen off of the van.

But D didn't pull over. He was asking Tony questions about why he should pull over first. About two miles after the initial suspicions, we finally pull off onto the shoulder of the freeway. Tony gets out of the van to check the vehicle. Turns out the front hubcap on the right side flew off :P

Once that thought registered in our brains, we laughed and continued to Redwood City. I hope the hubcap didn't hit another car :x That would suck.


Anyway, we got to the dealership. Saw the Avalons. Mother chose one. Some light green color. Very unique. The salesman was really nice. Filipino.

We made our offer. And by "we," I mean Tony, Mother, and D haha. Our offer was too low. The boss didn't want less than $32,000. Our offer didn't give them much profit. So we left after one more offer.

When we left, there were no hard feelings :) Besides, the guy wasn't getting a commission. He's got a nice salary instead haha.


Ah, so I forgot to mention that this afternoon I finally sold my textbooks :D Robert's Bookstore. Brought my textbooks and Tony's. The lady checked two different computers to see if I could sell any of it. All but two of my books were still in use. Only two of Tony's old textbooks are still being sold. I got $80 for those. Then another $10 for the store to recycle everything else. I mean I could have brought the other books to Beat the Bookstore and see if they would buy them, but whatever. No time. No care. So $90 in total. I'm pretty happy with that. Even though, knowing that we spent probably a thousand on all of them makes me sad. Oh well, better than no money back whatsoever. And the lady said that I got a lot more than she expected I would haha. Anyway, I think I'll remember to sell my textbooks as soon as I'm done with them. Finals weeks. Yeaah, how fun.

Cash for Clunkers, ehh pfft...

Again, assuming you know what I'm talking about. Also assuming you've heard about it possibly ending this Friday rather than on November 1st. Senate voting tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

So anyway, figured some stuff out. Can't trade in my Cressida because we haven't had it for a year (especially not two years -- new rule). Can't trade in D's caravan because its estimated mpg doesn't qualify. By one mpg haha.

So now, we're thinking of just buying a new Avalon. Without the program. See if the salespeople will treat us better. Oh yeah, we all agree the guy from yesterday was an ass. We weren't worth his time, pfft.

Gonna go to Sunnyvale to look at a 2009 Avalon Limited, since XL is all gone. XLS, no pretty colors haha. Mother wants black. Only the Limited is still in black. If we don't get it in Sunnyvale, we might drive all the way to San Rafael, eek. Or somewhere closer for a gray Avalon something :P They're changing their minds a lot. All I know is we're NOT going to Putnam Toyota. Salesguy Jaime, thumbs down for the bad salesman attitude.


I have to admit this is kind of exciting yet not. It's just a car. I think it's the family bonding that's fun. In its own way. If and when we buy the Avalon, we'll trade in the caravan for whatever we can get (about $700 for good condition).

Anyway, yeah, that's all. I don't really know what else I can say haha. Byee.