WTF Rally. I'm so tired..

So after the blog entry this morning, I IMed Maggie and asked her to text me saying "let's go study physics at the library now." I temporarily changed her name in my phonebook, so that my mom would believe me. I really needed to leave the house.

Mother dropped me off at the light rail station at 11. I went to SJSU with the intention of sitting on a bench, doing my homework, and maybe thinking about the early morning situation. Instead, I decided to check out the WTF Rally.

I was going to just stand and watch for a little bit. However, I ended up joining the march around campus and to the state building that is across the street from campus. I think the turnout was maybe 200-300 students. I can't really be sure. I ran into Mark (from AAS and the night dance classes). Stuck with him most of the time. I didn't really recognize anyone else, except for a few people from QTIP.

The chants were good. I was feeling better with every chant and shout. My favorite was "Hey hey. Ho ho. The budget cuts have got to go." One of the chants was too fast for me to keep up with. Ah, I wish I had kept the blue paper with the chants typed on them. I gave it to Mark. I still have the sticker that says "The CSU is the solution! Stop the Budget Cuts!" though; it's on my backpack.

When we ended at Tower Hall, a couple of people stood up front and shared their experiences with the budget cuts or spoke inspirational words about the fight. Brooke B was one of the first people up there, standing up for our generation and future generations.

The end of the rally included a bbq, but Mark and I went to the library to study. I got some reading done. Mark left before I did. I had to finish some stuff. Then I left at 1430.

Today was really hot, and I was wearing a lot of black. I was drenched in sweat. I hadn't planned on joining the march. I should have; I wouldn't have worn so much black and probably wouldn't have brought my backpack with me either. Oh well, next time, maybe.


This morning, I had intended to go to SJSU to sit and think/cry freely. But it didn't happen obviously. Now, I kinda wish I did sit and cry. Let it all out. Now, I'm home, and I can't do shit. All I can do is listen. Listen, listen, listen.

Why did I choose to go to campus? Well, I didn't know who I could go to. If I had someone to go to, I would have gone to them. But I don't, so school was the only place I could think of to go to. Next time, I'll just drive myself to a park or something. Just out of the house and away from the angry.


Now, I don't know what we're going to do about the bathroom wall. That's where the hole is. Every time my mom goes in there, she just gets angry all over again.

Anyway, I'm not sure if we could just do the usual newspaper and plaster thing because our houseowner is a handyman. He would know immediately if he saw it.

Not good. Though, I guess we can be relieved that Tony didn't throw his $250 phone.

And I don't know if things have cooled down between my mom and brother. My mom hadn't been home since I left. My brother's been sleeping and still is.

The way things happened this morning, I don't really know what's going to happen. Mother wanted him out of the house. Brother swore at her and told her to "shut the fuck up." You don't know how many times I've wanted to say that to the both of them. But of course I never do. Because I know it does more damage than anything else. Especially when no one here ever listens to anyone but him or herself.

You know what's missing in my house? It's not love. It's respect. No one has any respect for each other. We have "love," pity, regret, and maybe remorse. I know our mom doesn't respect either of us. Or she doesn't respect us enough. And don't you for a second believe parents shouldn't have to respect their children. Respect is mutual, reciprocal, give-and-take. How can you expect your kids to respect you if you don't reciprocate?

And I'm going to be honest. I haven't had much respect for my family since I was about 12. I remember. When I was twelve, things just got fucked up worse than they had been before. Preventable damage. But no one wants to admit it. They just want to blame each other, somebody, anybody.

And you know what? I'm usually never a part of the problem. The problem lies solely between my mom and my brother. I'm just a bystander, collateral damage. And I can't even take the shit that they say or do. And I know my family problems are little in comparison to other people's. But that just means if I can't handle this life, I don't know how I would survive any other crappy life.

I'm not a strong person. I can't deal with this shit, even if it's not my problem. I feel like I don't have what it takes to stand up and fix my family. Like fixing my family is even possible. They don't even want to acknowledge that anything needs fixing.

I wish, I wish, I wish... I could leave. No more conflict, no more anger, no more. I'm tired of dealing with this. I'm just tired.