I've been sounding like a broken record all year, but I have to reiterate how lucky I feel to have the caring, helpful, and generous friends I have. They're enablers, but I am so appreciative of all the love they share.
I thought I was going to break my tradition of raving at the end of the year because of my budget. Matt is not even in town, but he got me a ticket for Kaskade's open-to-close set tomorrow night. I used the last of my 2017 budget to pay Matt back what I could for a portion of the ticket. This guy, what did I do to deserve him?
And I guess my NYE raving tradition is slightly broken? The show is on the 30th rather than the 31st. So I'll party it up tomorrow night and then have a lowkey NYE night with a few friends who also decided not to rave into the new year :) Yay, I won't be alone!
----
In the past 4.5 years, I went from 0 to 60 really quickly. My high school and college years were mellow. I barely knew what partying was; I couldn't afford to know what it was haha. I started letting loose a little in 2013 and going out more and more frequently. At some point, I was going out just about every weekend. At the end of 2016, I decided I needed to rein it in to save money and to try other things; so I put some restrictions on myself for 2017. I still went out on some weekends, but monetary limits kept me mindful. I think I've even returned to my 2013 levels of partying haha. Not bad.
----
2017 has been a challenging year in ways I didn't foresee, but it has been filled with many wonderful new adventures, lessons, and changes. I am so grateful for all the friends that supported me through the lows and cheered me on during the highs. I probably wouldn't have survived this year with my mind intact without all of them.
----
I always look forward to the end of the year because it feels like an accomplishment to reach it. Even though, I know it's such an arbitrary thing to care about. All the things that happened this year have shaped me into someone who is different from who I was a year ago. I'm more anxious and worried. I have to constantly train myself to trust. But I'm also more appreciative. I'm much more aware. I'm finding a new balance in my life. I try harder to not take time and people for granted.
I just hope I remember to keep this going. I got to the end of 2017 in one piece; I can keep going.
----
2018 will bring in new challenges; I hope I can ready myself for them, and I hope I've learned enough not to make the same mistakes I've made before.
I probably won't travel as much as I did this year, which wasn't that much anyway. Maybe two or three trips. We'll see how things pan out.
I hope I find the courage to step out of my comfort zone again. Enough to make a more positive impact on others.
Friday, December 29, 2017
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
2017 to 2018; budgets and stuff
My birthday this year was a bit overwhelming. Matt planned a couple of things to surprise me. It's not that hard to surprise me. :P But I felt a lot of love. I repeatedly asked myself what I had done to deserve such amazing and loving friends in my life.
Two weeks before my birthday, I thought Matt, Ant, and I were just getting dinner. Granted, it was at Alexander's Steakhouse. So fancy. I figured we were celebrating their promotions. When we arrived at the restaurant, I was underdressed and surprised by more friends (April, Cat, Amenda, and Mai). And there was guava cake! My friends know me too well haha.
Then I received an Illenium snapback as a group gift on another day. Loved it.
On the day of my birthday, first thing in the morning, I came into work and found my desk completely decked out with balloons, streamers, and knickknacks. I knew Lisa had to have done it because that's definitely her thing haha. Yay for high school/college friends! The decorations were a bit much because they alerted everyone on the floor to my birthday.
Later that day, I was walking to a meeting when the lights in the room I was approaching suddenly turned off. I was confused, thinking maybe I went to the wrong room. But I opened the door. Several of my coworkers were in the room and surprised me. With a birthday tart and mimosas! It was great! Apparently, everyone was running around trying to get things ready without me noticing. I didn't notice. I'm pretty oblivious. But I also don't assume people will try to celebrate my birthday.
All these surprises. Too much for my heart haha. I appreciate all of these people, especially Matt. What did I do to deserve them? <3 p="">
----
I've spent 97.7% of my 2017 EDM ticket budget. I've decided I won't spend the rest of my budget for the rest of the year.
So my 2017 budget was a success, largely due to the wonderful people I call my friends. I paid for nine shows and events; my friends bought or gave me free tickets to four events (worth just less than 25% of my budget).
1. Crush SF
2. Phutureprimitive
3. Andrew Rayel
4. Anjunabeats
5. Martin Garrix (free)
6. Dreamstate SF day 2 (free)
7. Untz Festival
8. EDC LV
9. Prince Fox
10. RL Grime (free)
11. Seven Lions
12. Illenium
13. Giraffage (free)
It's been an enjoyable year. I've loved sharing it with new and old friends.
----
As for 2018, I've decided to increase my budget by 50%; so EDC won't knock out half of my budget. Just a third :P Hopefully, I won't be as spoiled by my friends because I can pay for some more events.
I almost decided against having another budget, but I really should be saving. Missing out on some events sucks sometimes, but it feels good to know I have money for emergencies. I'm trying to be a responsible adult haha.
I've already paid for two nights of Excision in January, Above & Beyond in March, HTID in April, and EDC LV in May. So I've already exceeded half my budget, but the events are relatively spread out over the first five months. I may end up selling one or two tickets. Right now, I want to go to all of these events for various reasons, but I know my mood changes and I have to keep in mind that there are events at the end of the year that I want to plan for.
We'll see what I decide to do this year.
----
I'm planning to do non-rave things in 2018. Some comedy shows and "normal" concerts for a change. I still need to figure out my travel plans.
Portland and Alaska may go hand in hand; I may visit Vivi again, as well as a couple of other friends; Vivi and I may go to Alaska together. It was just an idea that I threw out there, and she was interested; so fingers crossed. I also really wanna make it out to the East Coast, just so I can say I've been on the other side of the country haha. These two trips will probably be my primary focus, at least to get planning started.
I may also donate bone marrow. I got contacted last week about being a potential match for someone. Thursday, I'll be getting my blood drawn for further testing. I hope I'm a good match. I answered some health questions that I was afraid would disqualify me. Luckily, having tattoos and scoliosis doesn't automatically disqualify me; getting a tattoo within the past year or having had surgery for scoliosis would have. Anyway, I really hope I can donate in whatever way I can. I signed up for the Be The Match registry almost six years ago in college. I didn't think I'd end up being a match for anyone, but this is great ^_^ This would be a memorable addition to my life experiences.
----
For the first time in four years, I'm not attending a rave for NYE. (I said this two years ago but ended up going to Pop NYE haha.) Originally, Matt bought us tickets for Kaskade, but he decided to rearrange his plans for NYE. He offered to let me keep my ticket, but I told him to sell my ticket along with his. I've been spoiled enough with free tickets this year haha.
So I currently do not have any plans to welcome in the new year. I'm not sure what I want to do. I would like to spend it with my family, but my parents go to bed early; so I can spend the day with them, but I can't spend the night hanging out with them.
I think most of my friends will be attending a rave (Resolution, Snowglobe, Countdown, Pop NYE, Kaskade, etc.). So maybe I'll spend NYE with some less close friends. I'll have to start asking around...
----
2018 is less than five weeks away. Whoa.
Two weeks before my birthday, I thought Matt, Ant, and I were just getting dinner. Granted, it was at Alexander's Steakhouse. So fancy. I figured we were celebrating their promotions. When we arrived at the restaurant, I was underdressed and surprised by more friends (April, Cat, Amenda, and Mai). And there was guava cake! My friends know me too well haha.
Then I received an Illenium snapback as a group gift on another day. Loved it.
On the day of my birthday, first thing in the morning, I came into work and found my desk completely decked out with balloons, streamers, and knickknacks. I knew Lisa had to have done it because that's definitely her thing haha. Yay for high school/college friends! The decorations were a bit much because they alerted everyone on the floor to my birthday.
Later that day, I was walking to a meeting when the lights in the room I was approaching suddenly turned off. I was confused, thinking maybe I went to the wrong room. But I opened the door. Several of my coworkers were in the room and surprised me. With a birthday tart and mimosas! It was great! Apparently, everyone was running around trying to get things ready without me noticing. I didn't notice. I'm pretty oblivious. But I also don't assume people will try to celebrate my birthday.
All these surprises. Too much for my heart haha. I appreciate all of these people, especially Matt. What did I do to deserve them? <3 p="">
----
I've spent 97.7% of my 2017 EDM ticket budget. I've decided I won't spend the rest of my budget for the rest of the year.
So my 2017 budget was a success, largely due to the wonderful people I call my friends. I paid for nine shows and events; my friends bought or gave me free tickets to four events (worth just less than 25% of my budget).
1. Crush SF
2. Phutureprimitive
3. Andrew Rayel
4. Anjunabeats
5. Martin Garrix (free)
6. Dreamstate SF day 2 (free)
7. Untz Festival
8. EDC LV
9. Prince Fox
10. RL Grime (free)
11. Seven Lions
12. Illenium
13. Giraffage (free)
It's been an enjoyable year. I've loved sharing it with new and old friends.
----
As for 2018, I've decided to increase my budget by 50%; so EDC won't knock out half of my budget. Just a third :P Hopefully, I won't be as spoiled by my friends because I can pay for some more events.
I almost decided against having another budget, but I really should be saving. Missing out on some events sucks sometimes, but it feels good to know I have money for emergencies. I'm trying to be a responsible adult haha.
I've already paid for two nights of Excision in January, Above & Beyond in March, HTID in April, and EDC LV in May. So I've already exceeded half my budget, but the events are relatively spread out over the first five months. I may end up selling one or two tickets. Right now, I want to go to all of these events for various reasons, but I know my mood changes and I have to keep in mind that there are events at the end of the year that I want to plan for.
We'll see what I decide to do this year.
----
I'm planning to do non-rave things in 2018. Some comedy shows and "normal" concerts for a change. I still need to figure out my travel plans.
Portland and Alaska may go hand in hand; I may visit Vivi again, as well as a couple of other friends; Vivi and I may go to Alaska together. It was just an idea that I threw out there, and she was interested; so fingers crossed. I also really wanna make it out to the East Coast, just so I can say I've been on the other side of the country haha. These two trips will probably be my primary focus, at least to get planning started.
I may also donate bone marrow. I got contacted last week about being a potential match for someone. Thursday, I'll be getting my blood drawn for further testing. I hope I'm a good match. I answered some health questions that I was afraid would disqualify me. Luckily, having tattoos and scoliosis doesn't automatically disqualify me; getting a tattoo within the past year or having had surgery for scoliosis would have. Anyway, I really hope I can donate in whatever way I can. I signed up for the Be The Match registry almost six years ago in college. I didn't think I'd end up being a match for anyone, but this is great ^_^ This would be a memorable addition to my life experiences.
----
For the first time in four years, I'm not attending a rave for NYE. (I said this two years ago but ended up going to Pop NYE haha.) Originally, Matt bought us tickets for Kaskade, but he decided to rearrange his plans for NYE. He offered to let me keep my ticket, but I told him to sell my ticket along with his. I've been spoiled enough with free tickets this year haha.
So I currently do not have any plans to welcome in the new year. I'm not sure what I want to do. I would like to spend it with my family, but my parents go to bed early; so I can spend the day with them, but I can't spend the night hanging out with them.
I think most of my friends will be attending a rave (Resolution, Snowglobe, Countdown, Pop NYE, Kaskade, etc.). So maybe I'll spend NYE with some less close friends. I'll have to start asking around...
----
2018 is less than five weeks away. Whoa.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Self-Diagnosed Anxiety: I Don't Know How to Ask for Help
Anxiety is hard.
I've probably always dealt with anxiety in some form or other, but I never noticed how anxious I really was until this year.
Now, my anxiety rises to unbearable levels sometime. And I feel like I can't survive it, but I also feel like I'll never be able to escape it.
I think I had a little too much caffeine (flavored Red Bull is dangerous) last night before RL Grime because I was tired from seeing Oh Wonder the night before. I was okay during the event. But the drive home triggered something in my brain. An overwhelming, almost paralyzing, fear started to creep up on me. I started having a panic attack while I was driving, but I was able to focus on driving home. I think knowing that I was the only one sober enough to drive was how I focused.
I'm lucky; I have wonderful friends. Ant stayed with me and held me while I tried to calm down and sleep. I could feel my heart pounding the whole night at weird paces. Tachycardia. It kept waking me up. But I didn't move at all because I didn't want to risk losing the comfort I got from Ant. I didn't want to risk losing touch. He was my anchor to reality.
Falling asleep was the worst though. The falling part of it. It would jumpstart my anxiety every time. Because I would lose touch with reality. I know that's normal. I mean we enter surreal dreams. But that's the part that scared me. I just felt like I lost control. That nothing was real.
I've been struggling to fall asleep at night because of this. For three months, I've had to listen to pop or acoustic music with lyrics to help me fall asleep. It gives me something to focus on other than my thoughts. And the music doesn't start sounding so weird or distorted as I fall asleep.
This past week, I managed to convince myself to go to bed without music. And I had been okay. Progress.
After last night, I'm worried about trying again. I don't have very much confidence in myself. Especially when I'm alone. Pretty sure my anxiety stems from being alone. And fears about the future, present, life, existence, etc.
I'm probably going to have to watch myself when it comes to consuming any kind of drug, including caffeine and muscle relaxers. They've had extremely adverse effects on my anxiety so far.
Normally, caffeine just makes me jittery. But now I think it's affecting me more than that, which sucks. Luckily, I don't rely on it often, just on those rare days I need it. I should probably just make sure I don't consume more than 30mg... that Red Bull I drank had 114mg of caffeine. Yikes. And I also got a vodka Red Bull at the show too. Stupid decisions.
I hope I can feel normal again in the near future. Anxiety is so crippling :/ I need to start making better decisions for my body and life.
Oh, I just remembered something. I found myself repeating the chant "Nam mô A Di Đà Phật" fervently whenever I woke up. It helped me focus and fall asleep a bit more easily. I just couldn't stay asleep.
Man, how do I find and maintain some inner peace? It feels reachable sometimes. And it feels impossible sometimes. I'm just really scared, and I don't know how to trust my reality right now. I don't know how I'm going to survive.
I've probably always dealt with anxiety in some form or other, but I never noticed how anxious I really was until this year.
Now, my anxiety rises to unbearable levels sometime. And I feel like I can't survive it, but I also feel like I'll never be able to escape it.
I think I had a little too much caffeine (flavored Red Bull is dangerous) last night before RL Grime because I was tired from seeing Oh Wonder the night before. I was okay during the event. But the drive home triggered something in my brain. An overwhelming, almost paralyzing, fear started to creep up on me. I started having a panic attack while I was driving, but I was able to focus on driving home. I think knowing that I was the only one sober enough to drive was how I focused.
I'm lucky; I have wonderful friends. Ant stayed with me and held me while I tried to calm down and sleep. I could feel my heart pounding the whole night at weird paces. Tachycardia. It kept waking me up. But I didn't move at all because I didn't want to risk losing the comfort I got from Ant. I didn't want to risk losing touch. He was my anchor to reality.
Falling asleep was the worst though. The falling part of it. It would jumpstart my anxiety every time. Because I would lose touch with reality. I know that's normal. I mean we enter surreal dreams. But that's the part that scared me. I just felt like I lost control. That nothing was real.
I've been struggling to fall asleep at night because of this. For three months, I've had to listen to pop or acoustic music with lyrics to help me fall asleep. It gives me something to focus on other than my thoughts. And the music doesn't start sounding so weird or distorted as I fall asleep.
This past week, I managed to convince myself to go to bed without music. And I had been okay. Progress.
After last night, I'm worried about trying again. I don't have very much confidence in myself. Especially when I'm alone. Pretty sure my anxiety stems from being alone. And fears about the future, present, life, existence, etc.
I'm probably going to have to watch myself when it comes to consuming any kind of drug, including caffeine and muscle relaxers. They've had extremely adverse effects on my anxiety so far.
Normally, caffeine just makes me jittery. But now I think it's affecting me more than that, which sucks. Luckily, I don't rely on it often, just on those rare days I need it. I should probably just make sure I don't consume more than 30mg... that Red Bull I drank had 114mg of caffeine. Yikes. And I also got a vodka Red Bull at the show too. Stupid decisions.
I hope I can feel normal again in the near future. Anxiety is so crippling :/ I need to start making better decisions for my body and life.
Oh, I just remembered something. I found myself repeating the chant "Nam mô A Di Đà Phật" fervently whenever I woke up. It helped me focus and fall asleep a bit more easily. I just couldn't stay asleep.
Man, how do I find and maintain some inner peace? It feels reachable sometimes. And it feels impossible sometimes. I'm just really scared, and I don't know how to trust my reality right now. I don't know how I'm going to survive.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Work stress that feels good?
It has been a busy work week. I'm on two teams now, as a main member for a new team and a semi-main/backup member for my previous team.
For a couple of weeks, I barely had any work to do on my new team. I filled my time with helping train my new team on their new responsibilities, ironing out some workflow issues, taking on some cleanup work, and helping other coworkers with old workflows that I was familiar with.
This week, in three days, I ended up facing a sudden deluge of challenges and issues for my new team, including an urgent matter. And I also volunteered to do some testing.
I was really stressed today. Granted, I shouldn't have felt so stressed, but having a manager request something be done by the end of the day, when it would normally take at least a day or two because of how the process is set up, adds a lot of pressure. And I'm a perfectionist in some ways. So I stress when things don't go accordingly.
Juggling that task with devising a testing plan filled with thousands of tiny, little details for an improved workflow, sheesh. How have I done this before? I never remember. I think I'm always just glad to get things finished in a timely manner, decompress, and block out the memory of the stress haha. I suppose this is how I forget the impressive and impactful work I've done; maybe I should start not blocking it out, so I can use the experience in my job interviews haha.
Initially, joining the new team, I felt overwhelmed because there is so much to learn. I thought I knew enough, but I realized there was much more I didn't know. I have yet to learn a good third of the work that is entailed on my new team. I'm just waiting for the opportunity. For now, I'm doing the work I'm most familiar with because of the circumstances of the team. I'm hoping the circumstances change in the next week or two. Otherwise, I feel like I'm never going to learn what I need to learn.
Overall, I think the change in work focus has been nice; I like having an area of work to specialize in. There were a lot of things up in the air when we started the team. Things are now starting to settle, but there are still a few unanswered questions. But we're addressing them as they come along and we have the time to hammer out the details. So while I feel like I may be complaining a bit too much about how the team was hastily started, I'm enjoying the results so far. I feel like my input for the team and workflow changes is actually taken into consideration, which is a very validating feeling.
[gasp] My professional opinion is valued? This is great! I just hope I'm not talking out of my ass and I'm actually contributing thoughtful and worthwhile ideas.
I feel like I'm micromanaging my team, and I really shouldn't do that. My team is smart. While they might not always do things the way I think they should, they get their work done without much issue. I should have more faith in us as a team. I do. We've gotten a lot of stuff done since we started.
After the week I've had so far, I think I made a good choice in volunteering for the new team. I've been stressed; I had a little caffeine today before realizing it and was bouncing around with nervous/anxious energy. I think I probably seemed weirder than usual dancing and bouncing around. But I needed to move around to release that tension.
Now that I'm at home, albeit having netted some overtime for the urgent matter I mentioned earlier, I'm starting to get the rewarding feeling of getting things done. (Also, overtime pay will be nice.)
----
I had a shot of Bärenjäger before starting this post. Hence, if anything is unclear or weird, I blame it on the alcohol and the empty stomach :P
----
I question whether my work life will remain in tech. Weeks like this make me want to both stay and not stay in tech. I'm accepting that my strengths and skills lean toward technical work. But I'm not sure I can always find fulfillment in it. I'm not sure what the bigger picture is for my work life yet. For now, I think I'm content with just trying to figure it out while working where I'm at. Maybe I'll explore other tech opportunities... I just want to find a good fit.
For a couple of weeks, I barely had any work to do on my new team. I filled my time with helping train my new team on their new responsibilities, ironing out some workflow issues, taking on some cleanup work, and helping other coworkers with old workflows that I was familiar with.
This week, in three days, I ended up facing a sudden deluge of challenges and issues for my new team, including an urgent matter. And I also volunteered to do some testing.
I was really stressed today. Granted, I shouldn't have felt so stressed, but having a manager request something be done by the end of the day, when it would normally take at least a day or two because of how the process is set up, adds a lot of pressure. And I'm a perfectionist in some ways. So I stress when things don't go accordingly.
Juggling that task with devising a testing plan filled with thousands of tiny, little details for an improved workflow, sheesh. How have I done this before? I never remember. I think I'm always just glad to get things finished in a timely manner, decompress, and block out the memory of the stress haha. I suppose this is how I forget the impressive and impactful work I've done; maybe I should start not blocking it out, so I can use the experience in my job interviews haha.
Initially, joining the new team, I felt overwhelmed because there is so much to learn. I thought I knew enough, but I realized there was much more I didn't know. I have yet to learn a good third of the work that is entailed on my new team. I'm just waiting for the opportunity. For now, I'm doing the work I'm most familiar with because of the circumstances of the team. I'm hoping the circumstances change in the next week or two. Otherwise, I feel like I'm never going to learn what I need to learn.
Overall, I think the change in work focus has been nice; I like having an area of work to specialize in. There were a lot of things up in the air when we started the team. Things are now starting to settle, but there are still a few unanswered questions. But we're addressing them as they come along and we have the time to hammer out the details. So while I feel like I may be complaining a bit too much about how the team was hastily started, I'm enjoying the results so far. I feel like my input for the team and workflow changes is actually taken into consideration, which is a very validating feeling.
[gasp] My professional opinion is valued? This is great! I just hope I'm not talking out of my ass and I'm actually contributing thoughtful and worthwhile ideas.
I feel like I'm micromanaging my team, and I really shouldn't do that. My team is smart. While they might not always do things the way I think they should, they get their work done without much issue. I should have more faith in us as a team. I do. We've gotten a lot of stuff done since we started.
After the week I've had so far, I think I made a good choice in volunteering for the new team. I've been stressed; I had a little caffeine today before realizing it and was bouncing around with nervous/anxious energy. I think I probably seemed weirder than usual dancing and bouncing around. But I needed to move around to release that tension.
Now that I'm at home, albeit having netted some overtime for the urgent matter I mentioned earlier, I'm starting to get the rewarding feeling of getting things done. (Also, overtime pay will be nice.)
----
I had a shot of Bärenjäger before starting this post. Hence, if anything is unclear or weird, I blame it on the alcohol and the empty stomach :P
----
I question whether my work life will remain in tech. Weeks like this make me want to both stay and not stay in tech. I'm accepting that my strengths and skills lean toward technical work. But I'm not sure I can always find fulfillment in it. I'm not sure what the bigger picture is for my work life yet. For now, I think I'm content with just trying to figure it out while working where I'm at. Maybe I'll explore other tech opportunities... I just want to find a good fit.
Monday, September 25, 2017
A flag is a flag
I guess this could be a political post, but I'm just sharing what's tumbling around in my head.
A symbol is a symbol. I don't necessarily put a lot of value into symbols, probably because I don't always understand them unless they are explained to me haha.
Ultimately, the flag and the national anthem haven't done anything for or to me, except act as government-supported symbols of freedom that I have willingly accepted. I don't reject the flag, but I also don't blindly love and admire it. I understand its purpose and role in our society; it is supposed to represent the American people and country to not only us but also the rest of the world. But I also just see it as what it is. A flag. A piece of cloth designed to instill a sense of belonging, comraderie, loyalty, freedom, patriotism, etc.
A flag is a flag. I wouldn't lose sleep over it. It doesn't have a personal meaning to me other than what I have been taught in school. I have a very detached attachment to the American flag. I think the closest things I've ever owned to a US flag were Old Navy shirts with the flag printed on them. And my mom was the one who bought them.
Anyway, to others, the flag represents a lot of things. It represents different things to different people. It makes them experience different feelings. I've probably felt some patriotic feelings here and there, provoked by some circumstances and situations. They were short-lived because, again, I don't hold much value in most symbols.
At this moment, I just see the flag as a flag. It has a history and lots of emotions attached to it. But when we break it down, it is a cloth and a symbol that will one day disappear and be forgotten. Unless by some miracle, humans live forever and keep a meticulous record of all history (doubtful). To hold onto something so impermanent and to hold onto so much anger toward people who do not think the same, it feels pointless. It changes no one's mind to be so angry.
"I wouldn't" does not equate to "You shouldn't."
"I will not" does not equate to "You cannot."
The wider conversation about the flag has boiled down to what people have to do. I think that's the wrong approach. Give people the freedom to show their true colors, and decide if those colors match your own. Maybe some effort in a constructive conversation will help you find some common ground. If you make a person do something you want them to do, then their action is empty.
I saw a quote somewhere on Facebook that sums up what I'm thinking better than I can say it: "Patriotism isn't about making everyone stand and salute the flag. Patriotism is about making this a country where everyone wants to."
It's like how I approach the words "I love you"; there was once a person who expected me to say it on the spot to prove my feelings, but I could not and would not say it. She got frustrated and upset, but I wouldn't budge. Part of it was we were in high school and I had no idea what I was doing or how I felt. But a major part of it was the obligation would have undermined my intention. If I had said "I love you" when she expected me to, then it wouldn't have meant the same. Sure, I would have said it, she might have felt the impact of it, and she would have appreciated it. But my intention would have been to appease her rather than to express how I felt.
Likewise, forcing people to stand and "respect" the flag would just be a coerced act of appeasement.
People get mad about so many things. But I don't know if it's worth it. My anger won't change other people's mind. It just scares or provokes them; the response is defensiveness or retaliation. When someone comes at me angrily, I tend to absorb that anger and to want to return it immediately to make them stop. That's all that has been happening with this "debate." I don't feel like there will be productive movement in any direction. It's just a topic to be angry about.
I have to mention, when Kap didn't stand up last year and set off the storm, I didn't think much of it. He didn't represent me, but I understood why he did what he did. I didn't necessarily agree with him at the time, but I also didn't disagree. My perspective on the situation was "Oh, I see where you're at. You do you." And I was on my merry way. I suppose this may be more of a testament to how not easily inspired I am haha.
Before anyone thinks I willfully disrespect the troops, I support the troops 100%, and I am grateful for their courage, strength, and sacrifices.
However, I haven't stood and placed my hand over my heart for the flag or anthem in many years. I often stand, close my eyes, bow my head, and thank the troops in my head. And I pray for them. That's how I express my respect and thanks. It might not be as public and showy as saluting the flag and all that. But I know how I feel about our troops, and I feel my way of expression is the best for me. Not for others, just myself. Kinda like how some people believe their private one-on-one conversations with God are more fulfilling than sermons.
Sorry, lots of rambling. It's late, and I should have gone to bed two hours ago. But I just wanted to put some words down somewhere.
Symbols are funny. They don't exist until you want them to exist. Then they don't stop existing until everyone forgets about them.
A symbol is a symbol. I don't necessarily put a lot of value into symbols, probably because I don't always understand them unless they are explained to me haha.
Ultimately, the flag and the national anthem haven't done anything for or to me, except act as government-supported symbols of freedom that I have willingly accepted. I don't reject the flag, but I also don't blindly love and admire it. I understand its purpose and role in our society; it is supposed to represent the American people and country to not only us but also the rest of the world. But I also just see it as what it is. A flag. A piece of cloth designed to instill a sense of belonging, comraderie, loyalty, freedom, patriotism, etc.
A flag is a flag. I wouldn't lose sleep over it. It doesn't have a personal meaning to me other than what I have been taught in school. I have a very detached attachment to the American flag. I think the closest things I've ever owned to a US flag were Old Navy shirts with the flag printed on them. And my mom was the one who bought them.
Anyway, to others, the flag represents a lot of things. It represents different things to different people. It makes them experience different feelings. I've probably felt some patriotic feelings here and there, provoked by some circumstances and situations. They were short-lived because, again, I don't hold much value in most symbols.
At this moment, I just see the flag as a flag. It has a history and lots of emotions attached to it. But when we break it down, it is a cloth and a symbol that will one day disappear and be forgotten. Unless by some miracle, humans live forever and keep a meticulous record of all history (doubtful). To hold onto something so impermanent and to hold onto so much anger toward people who do not think the same, it feels pointless. It changes no one's mind to be so angry.
"I wouldn't" does not equate to "You shouldn't."
"I will not" does not equate to "You cannot."
The wider conversation about the flag has boiled down to what people have to do. I think that's the wrong approach. Give people the freedom to show their true colors, and decide if those colors match your own. Maybe some effort in a constructive conversation will help you find some common ground. If you make a person do something you want them to do, then their action is empty.
I saw a quote somewhere on Facebook that sums up what I'm thinking better than I can say it: "Patriotism isn't about making everyone stand and salute the flag. Patriotism is about making this a country where everyone wants to."
It's like how I approach the words "I love you"; there was once a person who expected me to say it on the spot to prove my feelings, but I could not and would not say it. She got frustrated and upset, but I wouldn't budge. Part of it was we were in high school and I had no idea what I was doing or how I felt. But a major part of it was the obligation would have undermined my intention. If I had said "I love you" when she expected me to, then it wouldn't have meant the same. Sure, I would have said it, she might have felt the impact of it, and she would have appreciated it. But my intention would have been to appease her rather than to express how I felt.
Likewise, forcing people to stand and "respect" the flag would just be a coerced act of appeasement.
People get mad about so many things. But I don't know if it's worth it. My anger won't change other people's mind. It just scares or provokes them; the response is defensiveness or retaliation. When someone comes at me angrily, I tend to absorb that anger and to want to return it immediately to make them stop. That's all that has been happening with this "debate." I don't feel like there will be productive movement in any direction. It's just a topic to be angry about.
I have to mention, when Kap didn't stand up last year and set off the storm, I didn't think much of it. He didn't represent me, but I understood why he did what he did. I didn't necessarily agree with him at the time, but I also didn't disagree. My perspective on the situation was "Oh, I see where you're at. You do you." And I was on my merry way. I suppose this may be more of a testament to how not easily inspired I am haha.
Before anyone thinks I willfully disrespect the troops, I support the troops 100%, and I am grateful for their courage, strength, and sacrifices.
However, I haven't stood and placed my hand over my heart for the flag or anthem in many years. I often stand, close my eyes, bow my head, and thank the troops in my head. And I pray for them. That's how I express my respect and thanks. It might not be as public and showy as saluting the flag and all that. But I know how I feel about our troops, and I feel my way of expression is the best for me. Not for others, just myself. Kinda like how some people believe their private one-on-one conversations with God are more fulfilling than sermons.
Sorry, lots of rambling. It's late, and I should have gone to bed two hours ago. But I just wanted to put some words down somewhere.
Symbols are funny. They don't exist until you want them to exist. Then they don't stop existing until everyone forgets about them.
Saturday, September 23, 2017
2017 has been an eventful year so far.
We’re about three-quarters of the way through 2017. There are three months left of the year to enjoy. I feel like I was just on my first flight to Portland a few weeks ago, but that was back in February.
It has been an exciting year, a little different from what I've doing in previous years.
I gave myself a ticket budget for EDM events and have been sticking to it. By the end of this year, I will have only attended eleven events:
Crush SF
Phutureprimitive
Andrew Rayel
Anjunabeats
Martin Garrix (free)
Dreamstate SF day 2 (free)
Untz Festival
EDC LV
Prince Fox
Seven Lions
Illenium
I planned actual travel adventures, and I got to check off several first-time bucket list items:
-Visited Portland (to visit Vivi; first time on a plane by myself; second flight ever)
-Drove on the PCH (first solo road trip)
-Visited Santa Barbara (to see Summer)
-Paid off my car loan (despite not getting credit for it)
-Played paintball (my bruises are still there)
-Visited Seattle and Vancouver, Canada (with Matt)
-Left the US for the first time ever in my life
-Visited San Diego/La Jolla
-Flew over the Pacific Ocean to visit Hawaii
I'm proud of myself for trying some new activities and kinda getting out of my comfort zone.
My ticket budget has been easy to stick to. Though, I should have accounted for the events at the end of the year, like Escape and Countdown. I'm a little disappointed that I won't be attending Escape this year. It's one of my favorite events, and the lineup this year makes me happy. I need a little more Darren Styles in my life. But it's okay. I'm sticking to my budget out of principle haha. What's the point of having a budget if I don't follow it? Because of my budget and finishing my car payments, I've been able to save more than twice as much as I have in the three years before. It's an achievement I'm very proud of.
Traveling has been an overall interesting experience. Mostly rewarding. And eye-opening in unexpected ways. I've come to the conclusion that I am not much of a traveler or adventurer. I am a homebody at heart. But I will continue to travel to push myself out of my comfort zone every so often, to visit friends, and to create memories with my friends. I need to start planning and budgeting for 2018.
----
I don't have many set plans for the rest of 2017. Four more shows in October and November (Oh Wonder, Tegan and Sara, Seven Lions, and Illenium). No travels. Maybe my fourth tattoo, maybe not. I'm just thinking about the cost of a half sleeve or even just a mid-size tattoo with color. Hmm... It would be wiser to save the money.
Maybe I'll try to knock out some other bucket list items instead. I should look at my list and see what I can fit in.
----
As for 2018, I have ideas of what I would like to do for the year.
I have just over a year until I will cut my hair. October 17, 2018. I look forward to this day. I feel like this next year is gonna feel slow because I want to cut my hair. Depending on how I feel about my hair at the time, after I cut off the hair I'm donating, I may either keep a short cut (pixie?) or shave everything again haha. So many choices. I can't wait to free my head of the weight haha.
In terms of EDM events, I haven't decided if I will follow another strict budget. I make a little more money now than I did when I created this year's budget. I also don't have car payments anymore. I'm not really saving my money for anything other than to save. But I don't know which direction my job is really going in. I don't know if I'll continue to make as much as I do now. I feel like I should prepare for the worst, even though I may be worrying myself over nothing.
Anyway, what seems to be certain is EDC LV in May. Fifth year with slightly cooler temperatures? Why not? I can't seem to say no haha. And it seems the rave fam wants to go. The less certain festivals are Untz, Electric Forest, and Escape.
Untz Festival is at the beginning of June again, but the festival and parking passes altogether will be at least $30 more than the previous two years. It will also be two weeks after EDC. I don't recover as quickly as I used to; so I don't know if this would be a good idea haha.
Electric Forest at the end of June or beginning of July is also appealing. I've skipped it every time for EDC because of timing and cost. This year, since EDC is a month earlier, there would be little conflict in timing and budget for EF. But I wouldn't have a rave fam to go with.
Also, 10 year high school reunion will be June 30. Gotta think about that too. I can't wait to see my old classmates haha. I can't believe it's already been nine years since I've seen most of them.
Potential travel plans for 2018 include Lake Tahoe, Portland, Colorado, Chicago (Lollapalooza?), East Coast (New York and DC), and London. I want to apply for Global Entry if I do decide to visit London. I want to make my travels as simple and easy as possible. I also kinda feel like 2018 will be my last travel year if I do follow through with these plans. After next year, maybe I'll just travel once or twice a year if at all. Traveling is exhausting; my goals for traveling is just to exist in a new place. Goals have been achieved. It feels good. But I think I'm a bit of a boring travel partner because everyone else enjoys exploring. I just wanna know what it feels like to be a lazy local haha. People-watching in foreign places is awesome.
If I go back to Hawaii, I'm gonna check out Kauai instead of Honolulu and Waikiki. I've been told it's one of the best places for introverts. And I think I would enjoy it very much.
When spring starts next year, I'll finally go whale-watching, skydiving, and riding in a hot air balloon. I say this, but who knows if I'll follow through? I just need to make legit plans and set things into motion.
----
My family is doing all right. Health is holding out. Relations are a little strained. Emotions and moods could be better. But that's nothing new. There had been talks of change in terms of actions and living situations, but everything is still pretty much as it was a year ago. I guess we're maintaining course.
Hmm, I should plan next year with my family and future in mind. Retirement and pre-school costs. So many things to think about.
----
I live a very fortunate life. I live in the US, I am relatively healthy, I have a job that pays me enough to live a comfortable life, and I have the ability to make decisions that contribute to a more fortunate future. I am grateful for the cards I have been dealt.
Sometimes, I'm torn between feeling grateful and feeling undeserving. But I can only move forward and contribute as much good as I can into the world, even if it feels inconsequential. I must try.
It has been an exciting year, a little different from what I've doing in previous years.
I gave myself a ticket budget for EDM events and have been sticking to it. By the end of this year, I will have only attended eleven events:
Crush SF
Phutureprimitive
Andrew Rayel
Anjunabeats
Martin Garrix (free)
Dreamstate SF day 2 (free)
Untz Festival
EDC LV
Prince Fox
Seven Lions
Illenium
I planned actual travel adventures, and I got to check off several first-time bucket list items:
-Visited Portland (to visit Vivi; first time on a plane by myself; second flight ever)
-Drove on the PCH (first solo road trip)
-Visited Santa Barbara (to see Summer)
-Paid off my car loan (despite not getting credit for it)
-Played paintball (my bruises are still there)
-Visited Seattle and Vancouver, Canada (with Matt)
-Left the US for the first time ever in my life
-Visited San Diego/La Jolla
-Flew over the Pacific Ocean to visit Hawaii
I'm proud of myself for trying some new activities and kinda getting out of my comfort zone.
My ticket budget has been easy to stick to. Though, I should have accounted for the events at the end of the year, like Escape and Countdown. I'm a little disappointed that I won't be attending Escape this year. It's one of my favorite events, and the lineup this year makes me happy. I need a little more Darren Styles in my life. But it's okay. I'm sticking to my budget out of principle haha. What's the point of having a budget if I don't follow it? Because of my budget and finishing my car payments, I've been able to save more than twice as much as I have in the three years before. It's an achievement I'm very proud of.
Traveling has been an overall interesting experience. Mostly rewarding. And eye-opening in unexpected ways. I've come to the conclusion that I am not much of a traveler or adventurer. I am a homebody at heart. But I will continue to travel to push myself out of my comfort zone every so often, to visit friends, and to create memories with my friends. I need to start planning and budgeting for 2018.
----
I don't have many set plans for the rest of 2017. Four more shows in October and November (Oh Wonder, Tegan and Sara, Seven Lions, and Illenium). No travels. Maybe my fourth tattoo, maybe not. I'm just thinking about the cost of a half sleeve or even just a mid-size tattoo with color. Hmm... It would be wiser to save the money.
Maybe I'll try to knock out some other bucket list items instead. I should look at my list and see what I can fit in.
----
As for 2018, I have ideas of what I would like to do for the year.
I have just over a year until I will cut my hair. October 17, 2018. I look forward to this day. I feel like this next year is gonna feel slow because I want to cut my hair. Depending on how I feel about my hair at the time, after I cut off the hair I'm donating, I may either keep a short cut (pixie?) or shave everything again haha. So many choices. I can't wait to free my head of the weight haha.
In terms of EDM events, I haven't decided if I will follow another strict budget. I make a little more money now than I did when I created this year's budget. I also don't have car payments anymore. I'm not really saving my money for anything other than to save. But I don't know which direction my job is really going in. I don't know if I'll continue to make as much as I do now. I feel like I should prepare for the worst, even though I may be worrying myself over nothing.
Anyway, what seems to be certain is EDC LV in May. Fifth year with slightly cooler temperatures? Why not? I can't seem to say no haha. And it seems the rave fam wants to go. The less certain festivals are Untz, Electric Forest, and Escape.
Untz Festival is at the beginning of June again, but the festival and parking passes altogether will be at least $30 more than the previous two years. It will also be two weeks after EDC. I don't recover as quickly as I used to; so I don't know if this would be a good idea haha.
Electric Forest at the end of June or beginning of July is also appealing. I've skipped it every time for EDC because of timing and cost. This year, since EDC is a month earlier, there would be little conflict in timing and budget for EF. But I wouldn't have a rave fam to go with.
Also, 10 year high school reunion will be June 30. Gotta think about that too. I can't wait to see my old classmates haha. I can't believe it's already been nine years since I've seen most of them.
Potential travel plans for 2018 include Lake Tahoe, Portland, Colorado, Chicago (Lollapalooza?), East Coast (New York and DC), and London. I want to apply for Global Entry if I do decide to visit London. I want to make my travels as simple and easy as possible. I also kinda feel like 2018 will be my last travel year if I do follow through with these plans. After next year, maybe I'll just travel once or twice a year if at all. Traveling is exhausting; my goals for traveling is just to exist in a new place. Goals have been achieved. It feels good. But I think I'm a bit of a boring travel partner because everyone else enjoys exploring. I just wanna know what it feels like to be a lazy local haha. People-watching in foreign places is awesome.
If I go back to Hawaii, I'm gonna check out Kauai instead of Honolulu and Waikiki. I've been told it's one of the best places for introverts. And I think I would enjoy it very much.
When spring starts next year, I'll finally go whale-watching, skydiving, and riding in a hot air balloon. I say this, but who knows if I'll follow through? I just need to make legit plans and set things into motion.
----
My family is doing all right. Health is holding out. Relations are a little strained. Emotions and moods could be better. But that's nothing new. There had been talks of change in terms of actions and living situations, but everything is still pretty much as it was a year ago. I guess we're maintaining course.
Hmm, I should plan next year with my family and future in mind. Retirement and pre-school costs. So many things to think about.
----
I live a very fortunate life. I live in the US, I am relatively healthy, I have a job that pays me enough to live a comfortable life, and I have the ability to make decisions that contribute to a more fortunate future. I am grateful for the cards I have been dealt.
Sometimes, I'm torn between feeling grateful and feeling undeserving. But I can only move forward and contribute as much good as I can into the world, even if it feels inconsequential. I must try.
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Ready to face my fate?
I turned in early last night in the hopes of getting some restful sleep.
I had an intense dream that I think was a continuation of another that I had recently. It felt so real.
I was convicted of murder because I had killed someone who tried to rob me. I had shot him in the back as he ran away.
My previous dream was the trial and the lead-up to the execution. I was in shock and crying, and my friends were trying to comfort me and petitioning the court to change their decision.
This last dream was the day of the execution. I got to spend time with my mom in a makeshift house connected to the execution chamber. I was sitting at a desk with the wooden door behind my back; my inevitable fate was on the other side of it. I ended up organizing my things to give away and sat down to write a last letter on a long scrap of paper to my friends and family. My mom was compulsively cleaning as if this place was our home. She didn't talk to me, but I could feel her sadness and fear.
It was weird. I started off the dream feeling scared, hopeless, and angry. As I wrote the letter, telling folks not to be angry and to accept what was happening, I began to feel less scared and more accepting of the situation myself. I just wanted more time to finish my letter.
Soon, I noticed noise from behind the door that led to the execution area. The noise had been building up over time. It was all the people who were there to witness the execution and also a few friends who wanted to disrupt the process.
I stood up, unfinished with the letter, and turned toward the door, ready to face what was about happen. Someone burst through the door, but I can't recall who it was. I just remember the noise got significantly louder, and I woke up.
----
I haven't remembered such a vivid dream in probably six months at least. I had forgotten about the previous dream until I woke up from this one. But this felt extremely familiar. It felt so real, like I was really experiencing it. All of the emotions and memories were so clear in the moment.
It was trippy. When I woke up, I slowly came to realize that I was not going to be executed. Relief has set in. But now I have questions. I don't remember everything that felt so clear moments before. I just know it happened.
I'm not sure how I feel about waking up like this haha.
I like to think that our dreams are windows into our countless, alternate lives if they exist. Sometimes, they overlap and create weird anomalies with the logic haha. Or really the logic of those realities are just that different.
Anyway, I feel like there is a parallel between how I dealt with accepting my fate there and how I've been dealing with my anxiety recently. We can't fight inevitability. I'm learning to accept and let go. It's a very arduous process in which I sometimes take the wrong steps. But I've been getting better, I think. I hope so. Maybe this dream is evidence of that? Haha
I had an intense dream that I think was a continuation of another that I had recently. It felt so real.
I was convicted of murder because I had killed someone who tried to rob me. I had shot him in the back as he ran away.
My previous dream was the trial and the lead-up to the execution. I was in shock and crying, and my friends were trying to comfort me and petitioning the court to change their decision.
This last dream was the day of the execution. I got to spend time with my mom in a makeshift house connected to the execution chamber. I was sitting at a desk with the wooden door behind my back; my inevitable fate was on the other side of it. I ended up organizing my things to give away and sat down to write a last letter on a long scrap of paper to my friends and family. My mom was compulsively cleaning as if this place was our home. She didn't talk to me, but I could feel her sadness and fear.
It was weird. I started off the dream feeling scared, hopeless, and angry. As I wrote the letter, telling folks not to be angry and to accept what was happening, I began to feel less scared and more accepting of the situation myself. I just wanted more time to finish my letter.
Soon, I noticed noise from behind the door that led to the execution area. The noise had been building up over time. It was all the people who were there to witness the execution and also a few friends who wanted to disrupt the process.
I stood up, unfinished with the letter, and turned toward the door, ready to face what was about happen. Someone burst through the door, but I can't recall who it was. I just remember the noise got significantly louder, and I woke up.
----
I haven't remembered such a vivid dream in probably six months at least. I had forgotten about the previous dream until I woke up from this one. But this felt extremely familiar. It felt so real, like I was really experiencing it. All of the emotions and memories were so clear in the moment.
It was trippy. When I woke up, I slowly came to realize that I was not going to be executed. Relief has set in. But now I have questions. I don't remember everything that felt so clear moments before. I just know it happened.
I'm not sure how I feel about waking up like this haha.
I like to think that our dreams are windows into our countless, alternate lives if they exist. Sometimes, they overlap and create weird anomalies with the logic haha. Or really the logic of those realities are just that different.
Anyway, I feel like there is a parallel between how I dealt with accepting my fate there and how I've been dealing with my anxiety recently. We can't fight inevitability. I'm learning to accept and let go. It's a very arduous process in which I sometimes take the wrong steps. But I've been getting better, I think. I hope so. Maybe this dream is evidence of that? Haha
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Broke to Not-So-Broke
I don't know why it just hit me that I have technically been a broke 21-year-old living with her mom for about a year after college. No work experience, no job, no prospects.
When I finally got my first job at a factory, making $8.50 an hour, I moved out of my mom's and lived out of a suitcase on my ex's futon in her living room for a couple of months. I lived off of many Hot Pockets and the amazing generosity of friends and strangers.
My next job paid me $10 an hour for the work of three people but wouldn't provide me with sufficient training. It was stressful, and there was no support.
I quickly left that job for a two-year contract with a staffing agency at a large tech company. Granted, there was a two and a half week gap in my employment because my new employer couldn't start me when they said they would. And I was laid off a month before my contract ended. But I had been a trainer for a year on that team. So yay, experience!
Fortunately, my site manager believed in me and helped me connect with a recruiter from another agency for the same tech company. I ended up starting on a new team just a week and a half after my last day. I'm hitting my two-year mark on this team in less than two weeks. There have been so many changes in two years; there were times when I doubted my place on this team. I still do, but I'm dealing with it.
So far, I've never worked in the city that I lived in. None of my jobs are related to my degree. Turnover is high at all places I've worked.
I have more money now than I've had before. It's not much, but it's something. I go out and spend way more than I used to. Now, I feel like I actually have to relearn how to enjoy time alone.
Life has been really good to me. I've been able to always keep a roof over my head and some food in my stomach. I've had loving folks take care of me and help me with so many things that I should learn to do on my own. I have many protectors and guardians.
I'm grateful every day of my life. Even when I don't feel it, I know I'm lucky.
Life has been good to me. I question if I've been good to life in return. I hope so.
When I finally got my first job at a factory, making $8.50 an hour, I moved out of my mom's and lived out of a suitcase on my ex's futon in her living room for a couple of months. I lived off of many Hot Pockets and the amazing generosity of friends and strangers.
My next job paid me $10 an hour for the work of three people but wouldn't provide me with sufficient training. It was stressful, and there was no support.
I quickly left that job for a two-year contract with a staffing agency at a large tech company. Granted, there was a two and a half week gap in my employment because my new employer couldn't start me when they said they would. And I was laid off a month before my contract ended. But I had been a trainer for a year on that team. So yay, experience!
Fortunately, my site manager believed in me and helped me connect with a recruiter from another agency for the same tech company. I ended up starting on a new team just a week and a half after my last day. I'm hitting my two-year mark on this team in less than two weeks. There have been so many changes in two years; there were times when I doubted my place on this team. I still do, but I'm dealing with it.
So far, I've never worked in the city that I lived in. None of my jobs are related to my degree. Turnover is high at all places I've worked.
I have more money now than I've had before. It's not much, but it's something. I go out and spend way more than I used to. Now, I feel like I actually have to relearn how to enjoy time alone.
Life has been really good to me. I've been able to always keep a roof over my head and some food in my stomach. I've had loving folks take care of me and help me with so many things that I should learn to do on my own. I have many protectors and guardians.
I'm grateful every day of my life. Even when I don't feel it, I know I'm lucky.
Life has been good to me. I question if I've been good to life in return. I hope so.
Friday, July 7, 2017
Halfway through 2017
I didn't stick to everything I said I would do this year. Oh well.
I didn't go to CRSSD or Beyond So Cal. My generous friends paid for my Sunday ticket for Dreamstate SF, and I did go to EDC Las Vegas for the fourth time but with just Matt (and Ant and Christina) and had an amazing time. I dipped out early the first and third nights though. Regrets. Oh well. Gotta listen to my body when it's telling me to rest.
EDC ate up more than half of my ticket budget for the year. About $120 left to spend for the last six months. It's cool though. While the fomo kinda sucks, I'm feeling all right with my music decisions. More money toward traveling, yay!
I visited Vivi in Portland in February, and that was mostly fun. A weekend in the life of Vivi. I learned a lot and was amazed by how many luscious, green trees there were. Pace of life is definitely much more chill than the Bay Area. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was going too fast haha. It was a nice change for sure. I gotta go back and explore.
Santa Barbara in March was great; I spent some time with Summer, who was my Untz buddy last year. Year 2 of Untz was even better. Summer brought a group of her friends, and we caravanned to Mariposa. All the underground bass music we could handle.
I made a couple of not-so-great decisions in Santa Barbara and again at Untz. Anxiety and paranoia have been miserable friends since, and it's been a slow and agonizing process to learn how to cope. But I'm doing it. Properly? I'm not sure. I still need to find a therapist.
But hey, I finally went to the dentist after almost six years. My teeth are pretty darn healthy, but I brush too hard. So I've been practicing gentle brushing haha.
Anyway, back to traveling. Matt and I flew to Seattle and took a train to Vancouver during Fourth of July weekend. That was exciting. First time in Seattle, first time on Amtrak (I think), and definitely my first time out of the US. Lots of new experiences and plenty of delicious food.
We had dinner at the restaurant at the top of the Space Needle. That was the most expensive dinner I had ever eaten or paid for. $50 minimum per person. I understand why it's so costly, but it's ridiculous. We got a great view of Seattle though on the observation deck. Then Matt's friend Jonathan picked us up to take us to Capitol Hill to check out Purr and R Place. I just sat along the wall and chilled.
MoPOP was fascinating; so much pop culture knowledge in one location. A lot of familiar movies and TV shows, but I probably noticeably reacted to a handful of exhibits. Afterward, we walked through Pike Place Market, but it was too crowded for my comfort. So we walked to Moon's Kitchen. Delicious.
The train ride to Vancouver was nice. Although, I do recall being mooned by a man and woman on a beach at some point. That was... different. When we arrived in Vancouver, there was a fireworks show happening near our hotel because it was Canada Day. The whole weekend was a celebration; so it was cool to see Canadians celebrate all weekend, while I knew my friends back home were celebrating Independence Day weekend as well.
We had to take a taxi to our hotel from the train station, but it took a while since all of the taxis were picking people up near the fireworks show. We probably got to the hotel after midnight. The hotel upgraded our room to a suite. So fancy. 4 times the amount we paid. I could have spent my whole vacation in that room if I hadn't already paid to do things outside of it haha.
Waking up late the next day, we walked to Heritage Asian Eatery. The name made us a little doubtful, but the food surprised us. Very satisfying meal. After a bit of rest, we took the SkyTrain to the Richmond Night Market. Again, surprised. So many Asians. So much good food. Matt and I left the market with adorable plushies. I now have a six-limbed octopus that has a mustache, top hat, and monocle haha.
We checked out Davie Street because why not? Gay night life on a Sunday. Ended up at The Pumpjack Pub >.> interesting name. Had a beer and didn't do much.
Our last day in Vancouver, we took a seabus and a regular bus to Capilano Suspension Bridge Park. Beautiful and calming place, too many children. The suspension bridge itself scared me at first because it felt like it was trying to buck me off. But I managed to find a rhythm to the movement haha.
We had our last meal in North Vancouver at Mr. Sushi. So worth the money. They don't overdo it with the rice. So I actually managed to finish two full rolls along with one piece from one of Matt's rolls.
The train ride back to Seattle was a bit irritating. We arrived at the station at 5:30am, an hour before departure. The train was late. We waited in line to get our seat assignments. But that line didn't open until 6:30. Fortunately, Canadian customs was quick. I think our train departed over an hour late. US customs on the train was much quicker than I expected; so that was nice. Still, we got to Seattle with no time to eat. Jonathan picked us up and dropped us off at the airport. Then we were back haha.
We spent the rest of our day hanging out at Cat's with Ant, Bella, Kim (Cat's coworker), and Amenda. Good day :)
I didn't mean to say so much about my vacation, but it's there now.
We're still planning to go to Hawaii in September for Matt's birthday. Everything has been bought. Activities just need to be planned.
No other set plans for now. Going to try to make time to visit Shiva in So Cal before the summer is over.
Oh, I applied for an open position on another team at work and got it. I've been learning new things at work for the past three months. I was hoping taking on this new role and more responsibilities would increase my interest in work, but it didn't. Oh well. I'm still learning, and I've been doing pretty well in my new role. I'm happy with that.
----
I've been re-evaluating my life a lot. Thinking about the overall journey, the adventures and misadventures, luck and misfortune, wonderful help and terrible advice, good and bad decisions. Not sure how I'm feeling about it all.
I've been feeling disconnected from people again. I think I've been putting myself around so many people so frequently that it's taking a toll on me.
Maybe I just need to change a few small things in my life. Get a fresh perspective or something. I'm gonna try to rearrange my bedroom tomorrow. Maybe that will help.
I'm so averse to change, but I know I need it sometimes.
I don't know what I'm doing for the rest of the year, but I need to start making more plans. I still want to do something other than rave. I also just wanna feel like I'm getting my life right, whatever that means.
----
There is a cat in my room at the moment. I should attend to her before she rips up my bed sheets.
I didn't go to CRSSD or Beyond So Cal. My generous friends paid for my Sunday ticket for Dreamstate SF, and I did go to EDC Las Vegas for the fourth time but with just Matt (and Ant and Christina) and had an amazing time. I dipped out early the first and third nights though. Regrets. Oh well. Gotta listen to my body when it's telling me to rest.
EDC ate up more than half of my ticket budget for the year. About $120 left to spend for the last six months. It's cool though. While the fomo kinda sucks, I'm feeling all right with my music decisions. More money toward traveling, yay!
I visited Vivi in Portland in February, and that was mostly fun. A weekend in the life of Vivi. I learned a lot and was amazed by how many luscious, green trees there were. Pace of life is definitely much more chill than the Bay Area. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was going too fast haha. It was a nice change for sure. I gotta go back and explore.
Santa Barbara in March was great; I spent some time with Summer, who was my Untz buddy last year. Year 2 of Untz was even better. Summer brought a group of her friends, and we caravanned to Mariposa. All the underground bass music we could handle.
I made a couple of not-so-great decisions in Santa Barbara and again at Untz. Anxiety and paranoia have been miserable friends since, and it's been a slow and agonizing process to learn how to cope. But I'm doing it. Properly? I'm not sure. I still need to find a therapist.
But hey, I finally went to the dentist after almost six years. My teeth are pretty darn healthy, but I brush too hard. So I've been practicing gentle brushing haha.
Anyway, back to traveling. Matt and I flew to Seattle and took a train to Vancouver during Fourth of July weekend. That was exciting. First time in Seattle, first time on Amtrak (I think), and definitely my first time out of the US. Lots of new experiences and plenty of delicious food.
We had dinner at the restaurant at the top of the Space Needle. That was the most expensive dinner I had ever eaten or paid for. $50 minimum per person. I understand why it's so costly, but it's ridiculous. We got a great view of Seattle though on the observation deck. Then Matt's friend Jonathan picked us up to take us to Capitol Hill to check out Purr and R Place. I just sat along the wall and chilled.
MoPOP was fascinating; so much pop culture knowledge in one location. A lot of familiar movies and TV shows, but I probably noticeably reacted to a handful of exhibits. Afterward, we walked through Pike Place Market, but it was too crowded for my comfort. So we walked to Moon's Kitchen. Delicious.
The train ride to Vancouver was nice. Although, I do recall being mooned by a man and woman on a beach at some point. That was... different. When we arrived in Vancouver, there was a fireworks show happening near our hotel because it was Canada Day. The whole weekend was a celebration; so it was cool to see Canadians celebrate all weekend, while I knew my friends back home were celebrating Independence Day weekend as well.
We had to take a taxi to our hotel from the train station, but it took a while since all of the taxis were picking people up near the fireworks show. We probably got to the hotel after midnight. The hotel upgraded our room to a suite. So fancy. 4 times the amount we paid. I could have spent my whole vacation in that room if I hadn't already paid to do things outside of it haha.
Waking up late the next day, we walked to Heritage Asian Eatery. The name made us a little doubtful, but the food surprised us. Very satisfying meal. After a bit of rest, we took the SkyTrain to the Richmond Night Market. Again, surprised. So many Asians. So much good food. Matt and I left the market with adorable plushies. I now have a six-limbed octopus that has a mustache, top hat, and monocle haha.
We checked out Davie Street because why not? Gay night life on a Sunday. Ended up at The Pumpjack Pub >.> interesting name. Had a beer and didn't do much.
Our last day in Vancouver, we took a seabus and a regular bus to Capilano Suspension Bridge Park. Beautiful and calming place, too many children. The suspension bridge itself scared me at first because it felt like it was trying to buck me off. But I managed to find a rhythm to the movement haha.
We had our last meal in North Vancouver at Mr. Sushi. So worth the money. They don't overdo it with the rice. So I actually managed to finish two full rolls along with one piece from one of Matt's rolls.
The train ride back to Seattle was a bit irritating. We arrived at the station at 5:30am, an hour before departure. The train was late. We waited in line to get our seat assignments. But that line didn't open until 6:30. Fortunately, Canadian customs was quick. I think our train departed over an hour late. US customs on the train was much quicker than I expected; so that was nice. Still, we got to Seattle with no time to eat. Jonathan picked us up and dropped us off at the airport. Then we were back haha.
We spent the rest of our day hanging out at Cat's with Ant, Bella, Kim (Cat's coworker), and Amenda. Good day :)
I didn't mean to say so much about my vacation, but it's there now.
We're still planning to go to Hawaii in September for Matt's birthday. Everything has been bought. Activities just need to be planned.
No other set plans for now. Going to try to make time to visit Shiva in So Cal before the summer is over.
Oh, I applied for an open position on another team at work and got it. I've been learning new things at work for the past three months. I was hoping taking on this new role and more responsibilities would increase my interest in work, but it didn't. Oh well. I'm still learning, and I've been doing pretty well in my new role. I'm happy with that.
----
I've been re-evaluating my life a lot. Thinking about the overall journey, the adventures and misadventures, luck and misfortune, wonderful help and terrible advice, good and bad decisions. Not sure how I'm feeling about it all.
I've been feeling disconnected from people again. I think I've been putting myself around so many people so frequently that it's taking a toll on me.
Maybe I just need to change a few small things in my life. Get a fresh perspective or something. I'm gonna try to rearrange my bedroom tomorrow. Maybe that will help.
I'm so averse to change, but I know I need it sometimes.
I don't know what I'm doing for the rest of the year, but I need to start making more plans. I still want to do something other than rave. I also just wanna feel like I'm getting my life right, whatever that means.
----
There is a cat in my room at the moment. I should attend to her before she rips up my bed sheets.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Random thought after cooling off from this past weekend
Use of imprecise language, intentional or otherwise, often leads to misunderstanding and miscommunication.
Use of precise language makes little difference if you don't have the same set of definitions and connotations as your audience.
----
I'm pretty sure my parents still don't understand a lot of the basic American things I've tried to explain. I'm also sure I don't fully grasp the weight of the Vietnamese stories my parents have shared with me. It's an ongoing process, but we make progress with every casual conversation and deep discussion.
----
I like to think it's all of the short and long conversations in my life with family, friends, and strangers that really shaped the majority of my view of the world.
I think that's how everyone's perspective is shaped in general. Conversation. Everyday exchanges of thoughts and feelings and random observations. Of course, there are other influences. But conversation is what gradually opens my eyes to things I couldn't see before, even if I can't see it in that moment.
If people could understand that, maybe some of them would stop shouting and listen. But whatever, left or right, everyone wants to win and avoid being "on the wrong side of history." That's something we won't know until this is over. When will it be over? Will it end? What is it?
----
I worry more about social policies than I do about economic ones simply because my understanding of economics is still very limited. On the other hand, social policies are very easy for me to understand. Lots of fear about what will happen with legislation in regard to LGBT, immigrant, and women's rights. Republicans haven't been super friendly or open to compromise in the past. Granted, it would be great to get our economy on track, but it wouldn't mean much if my quality of life was reduced in other ways.
But we'll see what happens. We'll see if some miracle happens and the gov actually works for and with the majority and the minority of this country. Maybe not now, but one day...
Use of precise language makes little difference if you don't have the same set of definitions and connotations as your audience.
----
I'm pretty sure my parents still don't understand a lot of the basic American things I've tried to explain. I'm also sure I don't fully grasp the weight of the Vietnamese stories my parents have shared with me. It's an ongoing process, but we make progress with every casual conversation and deep discussion.
----
I like to think it's all of the short and long conversations in my life with family, friends, and strangers that really shaped the majority of my view of the world.
I think that's how everyone's perspective is shaped in general. Conversation. Everyday exchanges of thoughts and feelings and random observations. Of course, there are other influences. But conversation is what gradually opens my eyes to things I couldn't see before, even if I can't see it in that moment.
If people could understand that, maybe some of them would stop shouting and listen. But whatever, left or right, everyone wants to win and avoid being "on the wrong side of history." That's something we won't know until this is over. When will it be over? Will it end? What is it?
----
I worry more about social policies than I do about economic ones simply because my understanding of economics is still very limited. On the other hand, social policies are very easy for me to understand. Lots of fear about what will happen with legislation in regard to LGBT, immigrant, and women's rights. Republicans haven't been super friendly or open to compromise in the past. Granted, it would be great to get our economy on track, but it wouldn't mean much if my quality of life was reduced in other ways.
But we'll see what happens. We'll see if some miracle happens and the gov actually works for and with the majority and the minority of this country. Maybe not now, but one day...
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Rave life chose me.
I've been going to events for more than three years now. Each subsequent year has found me attending more events than the previous. I thought I would slow down, but that didn't happen. Until now.
The rave scene has changed a lot. Granted, people who've been doing this longer than I have have seen way more changes. But I, for one, have started to feel jaded and nostalgic. It's only been three years.
I still want to enjoy the music. I was never really one to connect with the people at events, but I feel more disconnected now than ever. Countdown changed that a bit. I felt more connected than I usually do. It was a nice change. It reminded me of why I started and continued to rave in the first place. I can't quite explain it because I'm not sure I really understand what happened. Everything just seemed to flow together a little better at Countdown than at Escape or even Dreamstate So Cal.
Anyway, there wasn't really a point to that. I just wanted to put the thought down.
I come to the same realization over and over again. I've spent a lot of my income on raving. It's an expensive hobby that requires travel, lodging, food, etc. And lots and lots of rest and recovery. Would I change any of it and spend my money more wisely? Probably not. I've gained a lot of experiences and memories, both wonderful and terrifying, which have helped me grow, learn, and see the world in a different light.
But the sheer amount of money I've spent is mind-boggling to say the least. I never saw myself as a big spender. I still don't. But my bank account would beg to differ. Yeah, I've met people who spent more on a handful of raves than I have in my entire three-year adventure. But for me to throw money at raves so easily, that idea would have baffled me just five years ago.
I guess getting my first job just opened up all these opportunities, and the inner wild child that never experienced much got to do what she wanted to do. And she's been having a hell of a time.
Of course, life catches up sometimes to remind me that I have responsibilities or that I should start thinking about the future a little more carefully. I'm still having trouble doing that, but I'm taking baby steps. I have goals (who would've thought?). Long-term and short-term. Trying to find a balance. Trying to figure out where my priorities lie, how selfish I should be, when I'll make things happen. And these goals keep changing and rearranging haha.
I'm trying to be more thoughtful, while still putting myself first. It's hard not to feel like I'm not doing enough, but I don't even know what enough is. All I can really focus on now is surviving in the Bay, working, helping my family when they need it, and not losing my mind trying to do all this. Mental health issues don't help much, but for now I'm dealing with it. Granted, I've not talked to a doctor about it. Really, I haven't been to a doctor in quite some time. At least a year. I know I'm paying for it, but I'm not utilizing it. I really should, especially if the government is planning to gut the ACA soon :/
Anyway, I'm trying to find new hobbies and rediscover old ones. Trying to ease the financial weight of my current hobby haha. Also, trying to promote self-care. My friend Matt had a conversation with me recently because he was worried about me. It brought to light a lot of issues I've been having and running from. Nothing new. Just stuff that's always been there, that I've fought and struggled with successfully and unsuccessfully. It's a cycle that I often find myself in.
I feel like my thoughts are going in circles now haha. I'm just trying to find some peace, calm, confidence, and a stronger sense of self. Raving used to help me with that, and then it didn't. Now it's kinda helping again. But I gotta make sure I don't go overboard with it. And I want to find other things and activities to help too.
For now, I'm still a little stuck on that. I'm getting back into my sudoku puzzles haha. Been trying to get back into reading, but I'm struggling with that. I'm not sure why. Otherwise, I'm still flipping through ideas for hobbies. What makes it hard is I get more anxiety being around strangers nowadays, which is so funny because I go raving only to be surrounded by strangers all the time. But yeah, I'm trying to work with that. Hence, the solo activities for now. Eventually, I'll hopefully venture out into the world more.
2017... I'm going to travel. Well, I'll try. No EDC. The three times I've left California were to go to EDC Las Vegas. I must go elsewhere.
First up, Portland! I know three friends up there. I can fly! Now, I know I'm okay on a plane after flying back home after Dreamstate. Hoping I can deal with airports on my own... Must book flights soon...
I also want to visit Seattle just because. I want to visit my friend Summer in Santa Barbara; I've never driven down the PCH, and so I look forward to this. Also going to visit a couple of other folks sprinkled about the US. Matt wants to go to Hawaii for his birthday; so that may be a trip I'm planning to do too. I just read a blog about how a guy travelled across the US by train for a couple hundred dollars. That also sounds intriguing.
Travel plans are a reason I want to cut back on raving. Another important one is family. Rough times right now. I feel like I should be ready to help financially. Although, I don't have that much to my name. I should still have something available in case of emergency.
I feel like a bad person. I say I want to help, but I also want to do all these fun things. I am not sure how to reconcile. I'm just moving forward with my plans and hoping that I'm doing right by myself and others.
----
In any case, my 2017 rave ticket budget is $850. I'd do a more detailed budget, but I think budgeting for just tickets is limiting enough haha.
So far, so good. Despite all the temptation, I have only spent a total of $160 for Crush SF in February and Untz Festival in June haha. I think by this time last year, I was set to go to five or six events by the end of March XD
I'm now trying to decide what one or two events I may add between February and June.
CRSSD: March 4-5 in San Diego, a city I have never visited. I like the lineup. Lots of small names I wanna see. About $165. Need to think about travel and lodging.
Beyond So Cal: March 25-26 in San Bernardino, which I've travelled to many times. Still waiting for the lineup. About $190. Travel and lodging can be booked through Insomniac.
Dreamstate: May 27-28 in SF, which I'm fairly familiar with. Won't know the lineup for a while. But this would be the cheapest choice. Usually about $150. Basic commute to SF. Although, it would also be the weekend before Untz. How much energy would I have?
I want to consider Shaky Beats in Atlanta because their lineup is amazing, but my math puts this event way over my budget, especially if I'm trying to spread out my events through the year. I'm also reminding myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't attend all these events. I was fine before I knew they existed. I must not give power to the fomo.
----
First world problems? Yeah, I know... <.<;;
The rave scene has changed a lot. Granted, people who've been doing this longer than I have have seen way more changes. But I, for one, have started to feel jaded and nostalgic. It's only been three years.
I still want to enjoy the music. I was never really one to connect with the people at events, but I feel more disconnected now than ever. Countdown changed that a bit. I felt more connected than I usually do. It was a nice change. It reminded me of why I started and continued to rave in the first place. I can't quite explain it because I'm not sure I really understand what happened. Everything just seemed to flow together a little better at Countdown than at Escape or even Dreamstate So Cal.
Anyway, there wasn't really a point to that. I just wanted to put the thought down.
I come to the same realization over and over again. I've spent a lot of my income on raving. It's an expensive hobby that requires travel, lodging, food, etc. And lots and lots of rest and recovery. Would I change any of it and spend my money more wisely? Probably not. I've gained a lot of experiences and memories, both wonderful and terrifying, which have helped me grow, learn, and see the world in a different light.
But the sheer amount of money I've spent is mind-boggling to say the least. I never saw myself as a big spender. I still don't. But my bank account would beg to differ. Yeah, I've met people who spent more on a handful of raves than I have in my entire three-year adventure. But for me to throw money at raves so easily, that idea would have baffled me just five years ago.
I guess getting my first job just opened up all these opportunities, and the inner wild child that never experienced much got to do what she wanted to do. And she's been having a hell of a time.
Of course, life catches up sometimes to remind me that I have responsibilities or that I should start thinking about the future a little more carefully. I'm still having trouble doing that, but I'm taking baby steps. I have goals (who would've thought?). Long-term and short-term. Trying to find a balance. Trying to figure out where my priorities lie, how selfish I should be, when I'll make things happen. And these goals keep changing and rearranging haha.
I'm trying to be more thoughtful, while still putting myself first. It's hard not to feel like I'm not doing enough, but I don't even know what enough is. All I can really focus on now is surviving in the Bay, working, helping my family when they need it, and not losing my mind trying to do all this. Mental health issues don't help much, but for now I'm dealing with it. Granted, I've not talked to a doctor about it. Really, I haven't been to a doctor in quite some time. At least a year. I know I'm paying for it, but I'm not utilizing it. I really should, especially if the government is planning to gut the ACA soon :/
Anyway, I'm trying to find new hobbies and rediscover old ones. Trying to ease the financial weight of my current hobby haha. Also, trying to promote self-care. My friend Matt had a conversation with me recently because he was worried about me. It brought to light a lot of issues I've been having and running from. Nothing new. Just stuff that's always been there, that I've fought and struggled with successfully and unsuccessfully. It's a cycle that I often find myself in.
I feel like my thoughts are going in circles now haha. I'm just trying to find some peace, calm, confidence, and a stronger sense of self. Raving used to help me with that, and then it didn't. Now it's kinda helping again. But I gotta make sure I don't go overboard with it. And I want to find other things and activities to help too.
For now, I'm still a little stuck on that. I'm getting back into my sudoku puzzles haha. Been trying to get back into reading, but I'm struggling with that. I'm not sure why. Otherwise, I'm still flipping through ideas for hobbies. What makes it hard is I get more anxiety being around strangers nowadays, which is so funny because I go raving only to be surrounded by strangers all the time. But yeah, I'm trying to work with that. Hence, the solo activities for now. Eventually, I'll hopefully venture out into the world more.
2017... I'm going to travel. Well, I'll try. No EDC. The three times I've left California were to go to EDC Las Vegas. I must go elsewhere.
First up, Portland! I know three friends up there. I can fly! Now, I know I'm okay on a plane after flying back home after Dreamstate. Hoping I can deal with airports on my own... Must book flights soon...
I also want to visit Seattle just because. I want to visit my friend Summer in Santa Barbara; I've never driven down the PCH, and so I look forward to this. Also going to visit a couple of other folks sprinkled about the US. Matt wants to go to Hawaii for his birthday; so that may be a trip I'm planning to do too. I just read a blog about how a guy travelled across the US by train for a couple hundred dollars. That also sounds intriguing.
Travel plans are a reason I want to cut back on raving. Another important one is family. Rough times right now. I feel like I should be ready to help financially. Although, I don't have that much to my name. I should still have something available in case of emergency.
I feel like a bad person. I say I want to help, but I also want to do all these fun things. I am not sure how to reconcile. I'm just moving forward with my plans and hoping that I'm doing right by myself and others.
----
In any case, my 2017 rave ticket budget is $850. I'd do a more detailed budget, but I think budgeting for just tickets is limiting enough haha.
So far, so good. Despite all the temptation, I have only spent a total of $160 for Crush SF in February and Untz Festival in June haha. I think by this time last year, I was set to go to five or six events by the end of March XD
I'm now trying to decide what one or two events I may add between February and June.
CRSSD: March 4-5 in San Diego, a city I have never visited. I like the lineup. Lots of small names I wanna see. About $165. Need to think about travel and lodging.
Beyond So Cal: March 25-26 in San Bernardino, which I've travelled to many times. Still waiting for the lineup. About $190. Travel and lodging can be booked through Insomniac.
Dreamstate: May 27-28 in SF, which I'm fairly familiar with. Won't know the lineup for a while. But this would be the cheapest choice. Usually about $150. Basic commute to SF. Although, it would also be the weekend before Untz. How much energy would I have?
I want to consider Shaky Beats in Atlanta because their lineup is amazing, but my math puts this event way over my budget, especially if I'm trying to spread out my events through the year. I'm also reminding myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't attend all these events. I was fine before I knew they existed. I must not give power to the fomo.
----
First world problems? Yeah, I know... <.<;;
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