I want to meet people. Maybe.

For the most part, I've been happy by myself for a while now. Loneliness doesn't make itself known as often as it used to.

But like I've said before, I want to meet someone and get to know them. I kinda want to explore. Meet new people. But I'm also afraid. Meeting new people is a scary experience for me sometimes. I dunno. I just need to get out of my head.

A significant portion of my friends is on all these new dating apps. Grindr and Jack'd for gay men. Tinder for everyone. A few friends here and there have been suggesting that I try online dating because "three years is a long time to not date." Even though I said I haven't reached that limit--really, is there a limit?--I've been curious to try Tinder. Not specifically to date. Just to meet people and have more first conversations. I don't meet new people very often. It would be nice to see new faces and hear new perspectives. Maybe I would connect with someone...

A part of me just wants to try this because I feel like I should open myself up more to life's possibilities. I've been keeping to myself and sticking to my established circles for a long time. And I feel like I haven't really given myself a chance to connect with someone new.

I'm also a little curious to see who would think I was interesting or attractive enough that they would want to talk to me haha. I honestly think very few would. But maybe that's just my lack of self-confidence talking or something.

I can't decide if I want to try it or not. I kinda want to meet people in a more organic, face-to-face manner, but I know the reality is it's not likely to happen. I'll have to ponder this some more.

Also, I'm trying to see if I can get to know this one person better. (And I used to not notice other people as much when I was interested in someone. Now, I notice other people, but I don't necessarily want to get to know them better.) Seems my few attempts have flopped; or they were always just badly timed. But I'll keep trying, I think. I dunno. I can't tell if they would be receptive. And I'm trying to get over this whole I-don't-want-to-be-rejected-and-ignored fear. I don't even know if my personality would appeal to them.

Then again, I've always assumed I wasn't anybody's type... Or I attract people that are not attractive to me in some way. Sooo yeah.

These kinds of thoughts make me feel like I'm in high school. Fretting about romance and connections and whatnot. Ugh. But I guess I really want someone here with me. I want to get close and be close to someone. I want a big spoon >.< haha. I want safety, security, warmth, love, understanding. I want someone to get me, to share life and memories with me in a way that I won't allow anyone else to. I want that.

But I don't think I'm letting myself get that. But I should.

For now, I'll just let myself get to know someone.

Matt's Rainbow Grad

Yesterday was the SJSU LGBTRC's 6th Annual Rainbow Graduation. Yay! I attended to show support for Matt, one of my closest friends--sometimes, it still feels weird to say I have close friends haha. One of my other friends, Amarissa, was also graduating.

Alex T and Tuan T also came. Zain, as well, whom I've met a few times before but with whom I never really conversed. Met a few nice, interesting people. Crizella, Matt's sister. David, an Applied Math grad. Frank, one of Matt's coworkers.

Matt and Amarissa's speeches got emotional. I had allergies. Nose and eyes were running. During their speeches, it was like my face was replaced with a faucet. I blamed the allergies haha. But seriously, they got me. Matt thanked several folks, including me, in his speech. His emotions were deeply felt at my table. Tuan, Alex, and I were just like, "Oh no. Our eyes!" Haha.

After the grad, we went to Amor Cafe to hang out for a while. Then Matt, Crizella, Tuan, and I decided to hit up Dave & Buster's. I actually played a few games because Matt and Crizella kept swiping me in -w-;; Thanks, y'all, for including me. In return, I gave them my tickets haha.

We decided we were hungry. So we went to Denny's. Crizella ordered some appetizer. And then we bounced because In-N-Out sounded better. We spent a good chunk of time at In-N-Out looking at guys who came through the place haha. I need to learn how to pay attention to people's eyes, so that I know what they're looking at and where their attention is. It would help with my gaydar XD

I didn't get home until around 1:30. Bed by 2.

Up at 5 and managed to fit in a shower, yay! Now, it's time to go to work.

Yesterday was a good day :) And it ended well! I'm happy. And I'm very proud of Matt for finishing his undergrad. I'm looking forward to surviving adulthood with him haha. But first, University Commencement and the Castro on Saturday as an extended celebration!

Dating Strangers.

>.>

A couple of different friends recently (and incredulously) asked me why I haven't dated strangers. Why won't I try meeting and dating new people?

My answer: I think every relationship's foundation should always be a strong friendship. Your partner should be one of your best friends. If you can't be good friends, how are you supposed to be good partners? I personally would like to know that we connect on various levels, not just on a romantic or aesthetic one. I could meet someone I'm interested in, but I wouldn't pursue anything immediately. I would get to know them as a person first. No dates or anything like that. No need to try to impress each other. I just want to get to know you, not the you that you think I would like.

I've also always taken comfort in the fact that Shiva has remained one of my closest friends despite everything bad that happened between us in our relationship. I hate losing people. So I would like to know that, if a relationship were to go south, we could still be friends and our friendship is much stronger than any troubles we face. A break-up would just mean we tried our best to make things work but we weren't compatible or the timing was off. (It's always the timing, dang it!)

When you break up with someone who was never a friend in the first place, you don't have a friendship to go back to. I just can't see myself doing that. When you have such a strong bond together, when you've built something together, when that person is a really good influence on your life, sometimes you should keep their presence in your life. Obviously, breaking up would require some time and space from each other. But it doesn't have to last forever. You can still keep that good influence in your life.

I know that not every relationship that starts as a friendship could return to a friendship. I know circumstances vary. But I would like to know that the possibility is there. Starting off as strangers just makes it seem nearly impossible to retain a friendship afterward. Yeah, some folks should not be friends after they break up. But I can't imagine any relationship of mine ending like that. I would hope I don't date someone who could end up hating me or vice versa.

Another pro for not dating strangers: It feels like I'm less likely to date someone psychotic or abusive. Sometimes, I'm not sure how vulnerable I would be to dating that type of person. Or if I would be able to get myself out of it if that were the case. So as a preventative measure, getting to know a person as well as I can before I decide I would like to explore further options would be best. I've met some very attractive people that I decided to get to know better. And oh dear goodness. The arrogance, the willful ignorance, the stupidity, and the bullshit that has come out of people's mouths... I can't.

When you go on dates with people who don't know you, they're often trying to be on their best behavior to impress you. You don't always get the real, stupid things that are going through their minds until you are nearing or have entered a relationship. Then this is where you feel like you've wasted time and interest. Or you feel like you both have invested enough to give them a pass for the bullshit.

I've realized and come to accept the fact that I'll probably always be the one to pursue someone else. If I'm going to put in all that effort, I want to make damn sure that person is well worth the effort before I take a step in that direction.


You know, I say all this, and I feel like it's the truth for me. But sometimes, I ponder the option of just asking out a stranger. Just to see how that would work out. But I know a part of me is just too afraid to try that. Plus, aesthetically-pleasing strangers really aren't always that attractive... Personality really pulls me in. I've realized this. Recent experiences has proven it to me. So I'll stick with my experience.

Though, who knows? Maybe one day I'll take a risk and try something different. Like Tinder... Hahahahaha maybe not. I have not yet reached that limit.

I just want to get to know someone. I want to feel a connection. One I haven't felt in a long while.

I want to hold someone. Even more so, I want to be held.

But I'm fine waiting. Even if I feel lonely sometimes. Despite the moments of loneliness, I'm actually still pretty happy.

I'm not desperate for a connection. I just think it would be nice to have that in my life.

Yeah, I'm connected to people. Family. Friends. But sometimes I think about how I want more.

I don't know if I'm waiting for it. Or maybe I see potential connections, but I'm just not going after them.

I've always been the person to go after it. To pursue it. I guess I'm kinda tired of having to run after it. Or feeling like I'm the only one who wants it. Like I'm the one who has to prove she's deserving of that connection. Good enough for it.

Or maybe I just put myself into that position. Or that mindset.

I'm tired--that's not the right word, but I can't think of anything better--of being the person who has to convince someone else to give her a chance. I want to be convinced too. I want to know what it feels like to talk to someone who thinks I'm interesting enough to get to know better, who thinks I'm amazing enough to figure out if we vibe well together, and who thinks I'm charming enough to try to convince me to give them a chance.

At least that's what I think, feel, and do when I realize I'm really into someone. I just want to know what it's like from the other end.

But I've settled with the thought that that probably won't happen. It kinda saddens me, but I'm okay with it. I've accepted it.

I'm probably too picky to let that happen anyway :P

The chase is fun sometimes though. At least when I'm less self-conscious and more self-confident >.> It happens haha.

Kina Grannis at the Rickshaw Stop: Awkward and Adorable

It's been a wonderful night...

I bought tickets to Kina's show as soon as I could. 9:05AM on Mother's birthday, right when my first break started. So much excitement. Bought a ticket for myself and another for a friend.

A few days ago, that friend had to cancel because of work. So I asked around on Facebook. Another friend wanted to go and said he was free to go.

Today came. Second friend had to cancel because of work as well. Resort to Facebook again.

Last-minute invites on a Friday night. Never easy. Nobody was free. Decided to sell the extra ticket. I could go alone. I was originally planning to anyway.

Last-minute changes in plan. Ash could go! :D


The bouncer at the club recognized me from Gameboi. Why? Because of my hat of course :P It's always the hat. You know the hat.

Ash tried and failed to take selfies of us XD It's ok. I don't take photos anyway. And we spent a lot of time laughing because we kept overhearing other folks' conversations. The things people say in public... I dunno haha. It's all good though.

Imaginary Future was the opening act. I love his music too. I don't listen to it enough. I should. I was singing along to his songs. He didn't play enough songs.

Maybe it's just me and my perception, but it didn't look like anyone else was singing along with his music >: nor was anyone else singing along with Kina's new songs. I felt like I was the only one. Because I looked around pretty often. People were just standing and listening. I don't think I could do that. I always feel a need to move with the music and sing along. Or maybe hum along.

Oh, and tall people. So many tall people. But it's ok. Their tallness did not impede my ability to enjoy the music haha.

So I was singing along to every song Kina sang :) As soon as her album released this past Tuesday, I started listening to it immediately. Have been listening to it since. I know most if not all the lyrics to her songs. I was compulsive about knowing the lyrics.

In between some songs, Kina gave explanations or backgrounds for certain songs. And I just thought, "Oh hey, I remember her saying this on her album stream." Each time she'd talk about a song, I knew what song she was going to play next XD (I think I'm a little obsessed, but it's healthy, I'm sure.) Her story for "Little Worrier" made me laugh because I could kinda relate. All that worrying builds up, you know. "Forever Blue" got me in the heart space a bit; it just made me think of Earl, Milton, Ton, and Rahul. I thought of family, of my mom losing her father, of loss itself. I feel you, Kina; that song, I feel it.

Her onstage presence was awkwardly adorable. She pointed out all these awkward things about herself, and it just made everyone smile and laugh. I liked that because it shows that she's not just a performer; she's also herself. And that's exactly what I needed to see tonight. At this point in my life. I don't know how to explain it. I just needed to see it for myself.

So I'm pretty sure she played every song on her new album, except I can't remember "Write It in the Sky" at all. Did my brain just completely shut off during that song...? <.<;; It's one of my favorite songs >.< ... Haha what am I saying? They're all my favorites.

Kina had a meet-and-greet at the end of the show, but Ash and I didn't stay. The line was super long. And my foot had started hurting--twisted my ankle on Wednesday while helping Claudia move; darn grass-hidden holes -w-;; I couldn't continue standing any longer. So we left. I was sad, but it's ok.

It's not that I'm missing a chance to meet a celebrity. I don't see her as a celebrity or even a Youtube celebrity. I just see her as someone who seems interesting, talented, and genuine, who found her platform via Youtube. Lucky for us fans that she did find that medium. Anyway, I really just want to meet her in person and give her a hug. Because I have no words to describe or explain how her music resonates with me. I don't want to say cliche things because, while I mean them, they're not the words I'm looking for. They don't really express what I feel. I just want to hug her and hope that that hug translates well how I feel about her and her music.


In conclusion, I just want to meet and get to know genuine people haha. No, no. The conclusion is I think I had a blast tonight and I wish it could have lasted longer. But I am for sure planning to attend the next Kina performance in the Bay Area. And I am determined to meet her. Not for an autograph or a photo. But for that hug. And just to know people like her exist and I can meet them.

Interest can be reciprocated.

This past Friday night, I was hanging out with my friend Vivi and catching up. She's been in Portland for almost a year now. Crazy how fast that passed.

Hung out until 1 or 2 in the morning just talking about a bunch of different things.

At some point in our conversation, I decided to reveal to her that I used to be interested in her. I kinda just threw it into the conversation. Well, I mean, there was a point to it. I was talking about how my first crush was on someone I barely knew and how it affected me and my future romantic interests. I find people attractive or cute, but I don't pursue anything unless we become friends first and I get to know them well enough. Basically, every serious interest I've had has been in someone who was a good friend.

I was listing examples of my former romantic interests. And I tried to add her into the list nonchalantly. I think I lingered on it though haha. When I finished the list, it was quiet for a moment. I didn't really think in that moment. Vivi asked me if I felt awkward, and I said yes. She asked why I felt awkward, and I smiled and shrugged. She then said that it was funny because she was interested in me around the same time.

I blanked for a second, and then an incredulous "What?" came out of my mouth haha. I didn't really ask anything about it. I wasn't sure what to ask. Now, I know what I want to ask, but she's back in Portland :P Next time we talk, I'll ask. When exactly? For how long? Etc. Just some details to maybe fluff up my ego haha.

If I had known this back then, I might have made the foolish decision to ask her out or something. But I know, looking back, I wasn't ready. She most likely wasn't either. Both of us had baggage we were incapable of letting go. I could see that then too, but I might have ignored it if I had known.

I'm glad the awkward moment only lasted a moment XD Glad we could carry on like we usually do. It was good haha. Just thought this was something interesting to share.

Now, I'm just a tiny bit more convinced that a person I like could like me as much. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to ask someone out, after I got to know them as a friend first, of course :P I might not get rejected XD Confidence up by 5% hahaha.