2022: New, new, new

New job. New love. New home.

I moved to Seattle with Matt just over a year ago. It felt like the start of the next chapter of my life. I made a few new friends in Seattle, but I haven't really connected with them all that much.

I actually started to reconnect with a lot of friends from the Bay Area instead, after Matt essentially moved out of our apartment and in with his new boyfriend (with my encouragement). My Bay Area visits have been finding me missing my friends more every time I fly back to Seattle.

The end of 2021 brought me to the end of my time at my old job. I started off 2022 with a new underwriting job that gives me great benefits that I never imagined I would earn. I can now plan a little better for the future. It boggles my mind. I'm learning something completely different from my last job. So it's slow progress, but I'm doing decently well after two months. And my colleagues are all wonderful people who are super willing to help me. I'm so grateful to join such a collaborative and genuine team.

EDC 2021 in October was a new and old experience for me. I didn't go with Matt. We flew in and out of Vegas together and I stayed in his hotel room before and after EDC, but I did RV camping with Nick and Jamie's group. Matt met up with me once each night to check up on me though :) Camping with the new fam was fun. I barely got sleep, but it was nice not to deal with traffic after each night. I was usually not alone, and I appreciated everyone's company. EDC gave me new memories, new friends, and the start of a new love.

The love was gradual and unexpected. It was kinda ideal how it developed. I think I was in denial because I had fully believed I would be single for the rest of my life. I had made my peace with that belief. But this person just kinda made a home in my life. The start of 2022 then hit me in the head with the realization of what had happened right in front of my oblivious face haha. I was confused and uncertain. But after thinking and talking about it, I realized my feelings were genuine, and so were Mark's.

This love isn't like my past crushes. My feelings in the past were typically intense and thought-consuming. My feelings now are not that intense but definitely gentle and growing as we get to know each other better. There are no impossible hurdles or unrealistic expectations. We talk. Not perfectly, but we're willing to discuss things and learn how to navigate this relationship. And honestly, I had some worries about dating a guy because my limited experiences didn't really give me much hope about men. But so far, Mark has proven to be someone with values and needs that align with mine pretty well. We don't always get each other, but we both try to be understanding. I'm quite happy with him. Weird haha.

2022 is busy for me. In 2021, I had made 2022 plans for myself to get back into the swing of things and enjoy my singleness more. This year, I've been readjusting some plans to include Mark or to spend more time with him. We're gonna go to a few events or festivals together. I always wanted a rave bae haha. Then I can retire. Maybe haha.

The biggest change of plans happening in 2022 is that I'm no longer going to stay in Seattle when my lease ends. I had originally planned to stay in Seattle for at least three years. Now, because he lives in the Bay Area (Why the heck did it take me leaving the Bay to finally meet someone I connect with? Haha), I'm going to move back after less than one and a half years in Seattle. I like Seattle, but I miss the Bay vibes. Seattle gave me enough of the break that I needed from my family and the Bay. And now, I got a love back in the Bay, and I don't think I can do the long distance for too long.

I can't wait to move back to the Bay. 2022 has been an interesting year so far, and I wonder what else it has in store.

For Shiva

Date Written: 26.X.10


Dear Shiva,

Did I win the bet? :3 If I did, I get to say, "I told you so," and you owe me a lunch date. If not, I owe you a lunch date.

Just call me, yeah? Or email me. Or write me a letter. Get in touch with me however you want. I'll answer. You know I will.

If I did win, then you better let me say, "I told you so!" XP And we should totally party and celebrate :)

If I didn't win, well you can say, "I told you so," and we can have a friendly debate about the terms of this bet.

Deal:
By or on October 3, 2020, if I, Thuy, still don't hate you, Shiva, then I win, and I get to tell you, "I told you so!" and to be treated to a nice lunch with one lovely Shiva. If I do hate you by or on that date, then I owe you a lunch date.

I hope this is clear enough :O

I hope the Internet is still around; is it? And I hope you still read my blog too :) I hope I still update this blog :O

Anyway, I am most certain that I have won the bet. From the start, I had an advantage: You are just so.... I'm going to be cliche and say there are no words that could truly describe you. I hope you don't doubt that now. I hope I've managed to show you the truth in what I say and in what I've been saying (for hopefully ten years).

How could I hate you? Especially if you are honest with me. I wouldn't hate you for being honest. Never. I will only love and appreciate you for being who you are, a beautiful woman who has enriched my life and made it meaningful. You have truly opened my eyes, my mind, and my heart.


Love,
Thuy
aka Steel Cheeks
aka Chubby Kitty



P.S. Yes, I know I've written this letter as though I know I've already won from the beginning. I'm pretty sure I have. But no matter what happens, I hope this letter brings a happy smile to your face :) Please always cherish the memories, the good and the bad, that we have had together. Remember that we got through the toughest storms together, and we're still both ok.

P.P.S. Whether as a friend or more, I love you.

P.P.P.S. For all the pain I have caused you in years past, I am truly sorry. For all the pain you have caused me in years past, I've never held it against you. You were always forgiven. You've brought more light than darkness into my life. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul. You will always be one of the greatest gifts I've ever received in my life, even if I didn't deserve you. I love you, Soul Friend.

I feel like I'm always stuck in the past and can't let go of it. But I don't think I ever really confront it much either. So everything just stays stuck.

Today, Shiva and I confronted our past together. And it was difficult. I still don't know what to think. I suppose I still have a lot of anger and resentment that I never let myself express.

I want to be her friend. But I just don't know if I can now.

I've been thinking about this on and off for a long while. I just never had to actually face it.

But anyway, I got things off my chest. A lot of things I never said after we broke up. I put a lot of the blame on myself for our relationship. And I guess she took some of it off of me. She apologized.

And I don't know how I feel about any of this.

We're probably not gonna talk for a while. I'm still going to her graduation because I do want to see her graduate. But after that, I don't know what I would want from our friendship.

I guess I just need to process things and figure it out eventually.

Poly + Mono

If a partner can bring up the topic of monamory into a polyamorous relationship, then a partner can bring up polyamory in a monamorous relationship. Just saying. I feel like virtually no topic should be off-limits or taboo, in any good relationship.

There are no ethical or moral issues with polyamory or monamory themselves. The ethical issues lie within how the relationships themselves are constructed and maintained by the people involved.

I have to admit I was never big on the idea of dating or loving more than one person at a time. I always thought of it as cheating, "sanctioned cheating." And back then, my definition of cheating was really narrow.

But the past few years of meeting and getting to know different people and learning about new perspectives has opened me up to a lot of things, polyamory being one of them. It is not cheating. It is not inherently selfish. It requires a lot of honesty, thoughtfulness, and communication between partners and non-partners, whether it be direct.

I've become much more open-minded to the possibilities of non-monamorous relationships. Not saying I would definitely jump into anything; but I won't knock something if I haven't tried it.

People are constantly getting into arguments about whether people should be mono or poly and how to do so properly. I think these arguments can be healthy, but most of the time they're just vitriolic and full of shaming. Everyone has their own idea of how love should work. Except love rarely works how we think it should. And we learn this through experience.

Most people, who have been in relationships, have been in monamorous ones. Fewer people have been in poly. It's safe to say the number of successful poly relationships is smaller than successful mono relationships, and it's not because poly can't work. Every "failed" relationship ends for different reasons.

----

I don't remember the purpose of this post haha...

----

Personally, I have no strong feelings about poly relationships. I've learned to see them as I see any other relationship. Like, some folks only have one best friend, and others have multiple best friends. Sometimes, the multiple best friends are best friends with each other. Other times, they're not; they might be non-best friends with each other, or they might not have ever met each other. I generally don't love any of my friends less than I love others; I might just love them a little differently and share different parts of me with them.

I imagine poly relationships work similarly. But every relationship is unique, despite how much it may resemble another relationship.

I find myself, as I have for most of my life, to be more inclined toward monamorous relationships. It's difficult for me to be interested in more than one person at a time. Except it has happened. This past year. As I noted in another post. So it's not unfathomable to me anymore. I think I'm honestly open to the idea. Would I actively pursue it? Probably not. But I wouldn't shut it down without giving it any thought. But it would also depend on the person(s) I'm interested in.

If I did attempt to participate in a poly relationship, it wouldn't necessarily mean that I would always want a poly relationship. Nor would it mean that I would never want one again if that relationship failed. It really just depends. On a bunch of variables: the people involved, the timing, our schedules, our mindsets, our values, our communication skills, etc. The circumstances are always going to be different and always changing, even within any given relationship.

That is also why I think it's bullshit when someone blames their partner for "changing the relationship" or "changing the rules." People change. Beliefs and values change. Relationships should adapt to accommodate whatever changes can be accommodated. That's why we should always communicate openly and honestly. When somethings comes up, we should work with our partners to address the issue and try to resolve it. Otherwise, the relationship won't get very far.

And any relationship that doesn't change, grow, and adapt over time could (but not necessarily) become stagnant.

----

Lost my train of thought again...

----

I think this extremely simplified version of my every-changing life philosophy pretty much applies to how I want to approach relationships (and everything else in my life):

Do you; find or make your own happiness.
Follow the Golden Rule; making your own happiness shouldn't damage other people.
If you do damage, hold yourself accountable.
Give without expectations of return; I like to be pleasantly surprised.
Fight for a resolution not a victory.
Love how and whom you love; don't regret love.

Whether I do these in a monamorous or polyamorous relationship, I hope the people in my life can understand where I'm coming from and support me.

----

This post is not what I initially intended. But I really don't remember where I was taking this. I suppose I'm just trying to be open-minded, and I hope I meet people who are just as open-minded and willing to learn and explore. At least open to discussions. I want to at least talk about it, even if I'm not seriously considering it.

I'm big on the whole "anything can happen" perspective. I don't want to limit anything just because I'm unfamiliar. I'll discover my limits as they appear rather than setting them before anything can happen. Of course, I say this, but who knows if I can practice what I preach? Haha :P

That alone-in-a-crowded-room feeling.

I have this new tendency to book a lot of fun events for myself and to forget that I can't be around people so often without breaks. Breaks of quiet. Breaks of solitude. Forcing my extroversion again, while ignoring my introvert needs.

I need to spend some time with myself. Outside. It has been months since the last time I did this. I've been surrounded by too many people for too long, as well as alone in the wrong environments for too long. Maybe this is why I haven't completely felt like my happy self in a while. Why I have felt disconnected, lonely, and out of place. I tend to only feel lonely when I'm interested in someone I can't have or when I'm surrounded by a lot of people. I currently find myself in both situations often haha.

Ugh. I need to take better care of myself, to stop running away, to refocus, and to find a new balance. If I could get myself back to how I felt in 2013, that would be great. Ideal.


Also, right now, I find myself somewhat enamored with two people, Cat and Amenda. It's strange to me. I tend to focus on one person and not notice anyone else. But this time, it's different. Funny thing is they're dating each other XD Yeah. They're both very attractive people. Their personalities make them even more attractive. Granted, I am very close friends with Cat now, and so my attraction to her is much stronger. I'm starting to get to know Amenda better; I have this feeling that my crush on her is going to grow, possibly to the level of attraction that I have to Cat. It's worrisome because I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll do something stupid.

I've been honest with Cat about this though. And I assume she tells Amenda everything. So yeah [shrug].

I've been thinking about this quite a bit. I'm conflicted. Not used to this more-than-one-girl interest haha. Also don't really wanna be feeling anything for anyone who's in a relationship. I normally shut people out of my life for a while to get over whatever feelings I may have for them. This time, I didn't do that with Cat. I'm trying to invest in our friendship, but that means I'm getting to know her better, which means my feelings get cemented a little more each time we talk. And I'm pretty that's starting to happen with Amenda... I'm playing a dangerous game with my emotions, knowing that nothing's coming out of this for me except for their friendships and my attachment.

Guess we'll see where this goes though... Hopefully nowhere bad haha. I just need to keep myself in check.

I'm Jaded.

Hmm... I'm jaded? Jaded about people, dating, and relationships... Jaded. It all makes sense now haha.

Even though I have very, very little dating experience, I've witnessed a lot of things go down in the relationships of the people around me. All the stuff that has happened over the years definitely shaped how I view romance and dating. (People can be fucking crazy.)

I'm still hopeful. I have hope. But my realistic side is starting to have a stronger hold on my ability to reason. My emotional side will always be hopeful but uncertain. My rational side just knows anything can happen and not everything I want will be the right fit. And, more often than not, it knows that emotions cloud judgment.

What do I want in my life right now? Do I want a serious relationship? Do I just want to have fun and mess around? I kinda want both. But I know I want the serious more than anything. Do I feel ready for that though? I know I'm ready. Despite whatever stress I'm experiencing in my life at this point, I know I can handle a serious relationship. I'm in a good place. I'm happy with myself, moreso than ever. Obviously, I have my days where I don't feel that happiness and I struggle. But overall, I'm good. I'm ready.

I think what I'm not ready for is meeting people. Meeting the wrong people. Meeting the right people. Meeting them at the wrong time.

Lately, I feel like I've been meeting people at the wrong time. They're not ready. I'm not ready. I'm too ready.

With the various conversations I've had with friends over the past month or two, I've continually come to the conclusion that the people I've been interested in are "not good enough" for me. More my friends' words than my own. I just say we're on different levels. Or we're not on the same page or in the same book. I don't think I'm too good for anyone. I just think I'm meeting people that aren't quite where I am or vice versa. And we can't get to the same place together. We're out of alignment.

I'm starting to come to this conclusion on my own without help or input from friends. Just did about someone I recently met. I still think she's cute and sweet. But stepping back, I can kinda see an overall view of her, and it's not necessarily what I want. It's also not necessarily what I don't want. My interest in her is just that. Interest. Nothing provocative or irresistible.

I normally obsess when I'm interested because it's so rare that I'm interested. But it's not rare that I feel lonely. I want to feel loved and wanted. So I normally wish and hope that things work out, just to make the loneliness go away.

This time, I started to do that. But reality stepped in. Things and thoughts happened. Now, here I am, not obsessing in the way I normally do. Now, I feel like I'm being realistic and thoughtful. Alcohol-influenced events also helped move my thoughts in this direction.

The people I initially find myself attracted to don't always turn out to be the people I would actually want to be with. It usually just takes a damn long time for me to get that through my head. I'm learning now. How to remember that. Remember that attraction to a person, whether physical or emotional, doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I'm afraid I'll end up alone. I'm afraid I'll never meet someone I can connect with. I want to make a connection. I'm afraid that the people that I want to make a connection with aren't really the ones I want. I'm afraid I'll settle. I'm afraid I don't know when to settle or when to try harder to get something that I feel like I don't deserve. I'm afraid I won't know how to figure out if someone is worth my time and attention. I don't want to waste any of it on the wrong people. But maybe that's what I need to do to find the right people. Maybe the wrong people can become the right people. I don't know.

There's always something that holds me back or just trips me up when it comes to someone I'm interested in. But I'm learning. Sometimes, maybe what trips me up is the fact that I'm interested in someone just for the sake of finding someone.

I just need to stop looking. Or yearning. It's clouding my judgment. Maybe I should stop being interested in people who won't grow up, who won't give me the time of day, who won't connect with me, who just don't seem to be on my level. Those seem to be the only people I can meet lately.

Maybe I'm not jaded. Maybe I'm just being more mature than I normally am about this kinda thing.

Nah, I think I'm jaded :P and deliriously incoherent.

Bisexual, Homoromantic

Thinking about things and recent conversations, I guess I'm really not as open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to men. Or I'm open to it, but I really don't think it could happen.

Physically, I'm attracted to both men and women. Though, I definitely find women more attractive most of the time.

Emotionally, I thought I was completely open to either gender. But I think I'm only saying that because I don't want to close off my opportunities with men, despite never really having experienced any attraction to or feelings for them that were as strong as the ones I've felt for women.

But I will be honest. The closest I've ever felt like that for a guy was only in recent years. And that was Matt C haha. He has a lot of qualities that I find attractive in a partner. But he's gay--if he was attracted to women, maybe I would have asked him out a long time ago. But I'm also thinking I probably feel this way about him because he is gay--it's safe to feel this way for him because I don't actually want him to reciprocate the feelings.

The idea of being emotionally attracted to a man doesn't really do much for me. Recently, I've found myself at least physically attracted to two different people, one male and one female, both of which I know somewhat equally well. I've been thinking about hypothetical situations.

Also, some probably irrelevant background: I'm so used to pursuing people. For several months, I had been thinking about putting that on pause. I recently decided that I'm going to not pursue anyone. At least not for a long while. I just need to let it all be. See if maybe life will let someone else's path cross mine and see if someone else will explore this new path. Instead of exploring a new one myself. I just want to see what happens if anything. Though, it's difficult to not pursue someone when I'm interested haha.

So back to the hypothetical situations:

I've been wondering, if the guy asked me out, whether I would say yes and explore that possibility. I would have to think about it.

What if the girl asked me out? Would I say yes to her? I would want to say yes to her without thinking.

If both asked me out, I think I would hold out for the girl.

I'm physically attracted to the guy, but I don't think I really want to give him a chance. I just don't see it happening. I'd just be wondering if I should just wait for a girl to come along.

Also, I really want to get to know and to pursue the girl, but I'm kinda super wary of rejection currently (and, like I said, just let things be). I haven't felt any urge to pursue the guy but maybe to get to know him better as a friend.

Ugh, my brain. My feelings. I hate them sometimes. I want to be open to saying yes to guys. But I just can't feel it happening. I want myself to say yes and just explore it. But I already know I won't find what I want. I'm quite sure, like 99% sure, that I will find what I want and need in another woman. (Obviously, if I ever happen to meet a man who just knocks all these questions out and fulfills me wholly as a person, then I would be happy with him. But right now, I'm sure I won't be meeting any guy like that.)


Anyway, I guess what this all leads to is the realization that I really can only see myself with a woman. The best way to describe myself now is bisexual and homoromantic haha. But queer still works too. My description of my sexuality doesn't actually change much though. For the past four or so years, I've been telling people that I find women much more attractive than men; that I'm pretty sure I'll end up with a woman, but I'm not averse to the idea of being with a man. Now, I just have to say I think I am a little averse. I really just haven't met many if any guys who really pull me in like women have.

Bisexual, homoromantic. Hmm. I guess I just have to come to terms with this. It's not a big deal, but it kinda still feels like one. Hmm.

I want to meet people. Maybe.

For the most part, I've been happy by myself for a while now. Loneliness doesn't make itself known as often as it used to.

But like I've said before, I want to meet someone and get to know them. I kinda want to explore. Meet new people. But I'm also afraid. Meeting new people is a scary experience for me sometimes. I dunno. I just need to get out of my head.

A significant portion of my friends is on all these new dating apps. Grindr and Jack'd for gay men. Tinder for everyone. A few friends here and there have been suggesting that I try online dating because "three years is a long time to not date." Even though I said I haven't reached that limit--really, is there a limit?--I've been curious to try Tinder. Not specifically to date. Just to meet people and have more first conversations. I don't meet new people very often. It would be nice to see new faces and hear new perspectives. Maybe I would connect with someone...

A part of me just wants to try this because I feel like I should open myself up more to life's possibilities. I've been keeping to myself and sticking to my established circles for a long time. And I feel like I haven't really given myself a chance to connect with someone new.

I'm also a little curious to see who would think I was interesting or attractive enough that they would want to talk to me haha. I honestly think very few would. But maybe that's just my lack of self-confidence talking or something.

I can't decide if I want to try it or not. I kinda want to meet people in a more organic, face-to-face manner, but I know the reality is it's not likely to happen. I'll have to ponder this some more.

Also, I'm trying to see if I can get to know this one person better. (And I used to not notice other people as much when I was interested in someone. Now, I notice other people, but I don't necessarily want to get to know them better.) Seems my few attempts have flopped; or they were always just badly timed. But I'll keep trying, I think. I dunno. I can't tell if they would be receptive. And I'm trying to get over this whole I-don't-want-to-be-rejected-and-ignored fear. I don't even know if my personality would appeal to them.

Then again, I've always assumed I wasn't anybody's type... Or I attract people that are not attractive to me in some way. Sooo yeah.

These kinds of thoughts make me feel like I'm in high school. Fretting about romance and connections and whatnot. Ugh. But I guess I really want someone here with me. I want to get close and be close to someone. I want a big spoon >.< haha. I want safety, security, warmth, love, understanding. I want someone to get me, to share life and memories with me in a way that I won't allow anyone else to. I want that.

But I don't think I'm letting myself get that. But I should.

For now, I'll just let myself get to know someone.

Dating Strangers.

>.>

A couple of different friends recently (and incredulously) asked me why I haven't dated strangers. Why won't I try meeting and dating new people?

My answer: I think every relationship's foundation should always be a strong friendship. Your partner should be one of your best friends. If you can't be good friends, how are you supposed to be good partners? I personally would like to know that we connect on various levels, not just on a romantic or aesthetic one. I could meet someone I'm interested in, but I wouldn't pursue anything immediately. I would get to know them as a person first. No dates or anything like that. No need to try to impress each other. I just want to get to know you, not the you that you think I would like.

I've also always taken comfort in the fact that Shiva has remained one of my closest friends despite everything bad that happened between us in our relationship. I hate losing people. So I would like to know that, if a relationship were to go south, we could still be friends and our friendship is much stronger than any troubles we face. A break-up would just mean we tried our best to make things work but we weren't compatible or the timing was off. (It's always the timing, dang it!)

When you break up with someone who was never a friend in the first place, you don't have a friendship to go back to. I just can't see myself doing that. When you have such a strong bond together, when you've built something together, when that person is a really good influence on your life, sometimes you should keep their presence in your life. Obviously, breaking up would require some time and space from each other. But it doesn't have to last forever. You can still keep that good influence in your life.

I know that not every relationship that starts as a friendship could return to a friendship. I know circumstances vary. But I would like to know that the possibility is there. Starting off as strangers just makes it seem nearly impossible to retain a friendship afterward. Yeah, some folks should not be friends after they break up. But I can't imagine any relationship of mine ending like that. I would hope I don't date someone who could end up hating me or vice versa.

Another pro for not dating strangers: It feels like I'm less likely to date someone psychotic or abusive. Sometimes, I'm not sure how vulnerable I would be to dating that type of person. Or if I would be able to get myself out of it if that were the case. So as a preventative measure, getting to know a person as well as I can before I decide I would like to explore further options would be best. I've met some very attractive people that I decided to get to know better. And oh dear goodness. The arrogance, the willful ignorance, the stupidity, and the bullshit that has come out of people's mouths... I can't.

When you go on dates with people who don't know you, they're often trying to be on their best behavior to impress you. You don't always get the real, stupid things that are going through their minds until you are nearing or have entered a relationship. Then this is where you feel like you've wasted time and interest. Or you feel like you both have invested enough to give them a pass for the bullshit.

I've realized and come to accept the fact that I'll probably always be the one to pursue someone else. If I'm going to put in all that effort, I want to make damn sure that person is well worth the effort before I take a step in that direction.


You know, I say all this, and I feel like it's the truth for me. But sometimes, I ponder the option of just asking out a stranger. Just to see how that would work out. But I know a part of me is just too afraid to try that. Plus, aesthetically-pleasing strangers really aren't always that attractive... Personality really pulls me in. I've realized this. Recent experiences has proven it to me. So I'll stick with my experience.

Though, who knows? Maybe one day I'll take a risk and try something different. Like Tinder... Hahahahaha maybe not. I have not yet reached that limit.

I just want to get to know someone. I want to feel a connection. One I haven't felt in a long while.

I want to hold someone. Even more so, I want to be held.

But I'm fine waiting. Even if I feel lonely sometimes. Despite the moments of loneliness, I'm actually still pretty happy.

I'm not desperate for a connection. I just think it would be nice to have that in my life.

Yeah, I'm connected to people. Family. Friends. But sometimes I think about how I want more.

I don't know if I'm waiting for it. Or maybe I see potential connections, but I'm just not going after them.

I've always been the person to go after it. To pursue it. I guess I'm kinda tired of having to run after it. Or feeling like I'm the only one who wants it. Like I'm the one who has to prove she's deserving of that connection. Good enough for it.

Or maybe I just put myself into that position. Or that mindset.

I'm tired--that's not the right word, but I can't think of anything better--of being the person who has to convince someone else to give her a chance. I want to be convinced too. I want to know what it feels like to talk to someone who thinks I'm interesting enough to get to know better, who thinks I'm amazing enough to figure out if we vibe well together, and who thinks I'm charming enough to try to convince me to give them a chance.

At least that's what I think, feel, and do when I realize I'm really into someone. I just want to know what it's like from the other end.

But I've settled with the thought that that probably won't happen. It kinda saddens me, but I'm okay with it. I've accepted it.

I'm probably too picky to let that happen anyway :P

The chase is fun sometimes though. At least when I'm less self-conscious and more self-confident >.> It happens haha.

I Lied

I lied. From the beginning till now (or rather April 10, this past Sunday). And I fucked up all the good things right from the beginning.

I'm a liar and a hypocrite. I hurt the one person who means the world to me.

I don't deserve her. I never did.

I'm sorry, Shiva.

Role Conflicts and Defining Moments?

I've been so sad. No minutes on my phone until the 19th, except for nights, weekends, and mobile-to-mobile T-T The last minute was used on like the 4th haha.

Anyway, this past weekend has been full of ups and downs. Mostly ups. Or at least I focused on the ups as best I could.

Friday, the plan had been to go eat a late dinner and karaoke with Kat, Ariane, Andrew, and Shiva. Though, I wasn't able to tell Shiva that dinner had been pushed back from 17h30 to 21h00, until she came back from Santa Cruz and could use her cell phone; so she didn't eat anything after noon, thinking that dinner would be at 17h30. Other than that, there were no hitches as of 16h00. Mother had been ok with my plan. Everything was supposed to work out fine.

Then there was a minor hitch with rides. Shiva couldn't be picked up from campus as I had originally thought. The suggestion was that she should light rail to south San Jose, and Ariane would drive all of us to Santa Clara for dinner and karaoke. But Shiva hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before; though she took a nap, neither Shiva nor I wanted her going on the light rail. So I figured I could borrow Mother's car and drive Shiva back to my house; maybe I could even drive her to dinner. I called Mother to ask, and she said it was ok. I just had to wait for her to come home.

Things were looking good. Then Mother came home. I asked her about the car, and she got annoyed, mad at me for going to dinner and karaoke so late. I don't know why; I've done it before with pretty much the same people, and she was fine with it then. And she also knew that dinner was going to be late. I don't know why she got mad at me. Then she said she would drive me to pick up Shiva, instead of letting me drive. "You shouldn't drive at night. You'll crash!" Why are we back to this? -_- I've driven at night before.

Mother also wanted to go to Costco after picking up Shiva. But I realized, at that point in time, if she drove to campus, then back home, and then to Costco, it would have wasted gas and she might not have gotten to Costco by the time it closed. And just saying, in my house, Mother wanting to go to Costco is just as important as me wanting to go out with my friends.

I told Shiva about how the whole driving thing seemed to be working out. She didn't want to inconvenience my friends or Mother, so she offered to not join my friends and me D: I couldn't have that, especially if she hadn't eaten because she had planned to eat with us. She had things to tell me, but she insisted it was fine if I went with my friends. We kinda talked it out. I figured I only had a few options, none of which I really liked: I get Mother to drive, we'll waste gas, and she probably won't get to Costco; I eat with friends, and Shiva does not join us; or I eat with Shiva, and I won't see my friends. Or I could have stayed home and not see anyone. But that last one, I really didn't like.

A few other personal issues came up, that I had to take into consideration. And Mother was not getting any happier by the minute >_<

So I decided I would go eat with my friends and see Shiva the next day.

But my decision bothered me. I started thinking:
If Shiva's not coming with me, none of her roommates are home, and she doesn't have any food in the apartment, then she'll eat alone ): My friends, on the other hand, will still have each other to eat with, if I don't go. But I realize I've been the one telling Kat that we should hang out >_< But Shiva hasn't eaten anything for more than six hours because of me.

I changed my mind. I was going to see Shiva. I care about my friends, and I want to hang out with them. But Shiva's going to be alone. Even though she said she would be ok, I was worried anyway. I wanted to see her Friday to make sure she was all right and to see if her retreat had been good because she had been worried about it before.

So yeah, I changed my mind. Mother was happy. I wasn't going out of the city. I wasn't going to come home after midnight. I was gonna be somewhere safe, somewhere I've gone often. She had preferred that I sleep over at Shiva's on campus rather than go to another city to eat and sing. It made Mother happier, and it also meant I wouldn't come home and disturb her sleep because she has a difficult time getting to sleep late. And I can't get into the house without waking her up because she uses the door latch at night -_- Anyway, yeah. She rushed me out of the house as soon as I said, "I'll go to campus and stay there, so you won't have to drive back and forth twice."

On the drive to campus, I texted Kat and Ariane, telling them that Shiva and I weren't going anymore. Tried to explain why in 160 characters or less, which wasn't easy. Ariane seemed frustrated or angry in her replies >_< She said that it would be ok to drive Shiva if we pitched in gas money, but at this point I was already at campus and lost the mood to karaoke. Kat offered to switch from singing karaoke to watching a movie in theaters in San Jose. Shiva and I were fine with it if we could get a ride, since we were both on campus at this point, heading to Tandoori Oven to eat. But I received no more replies after 20h40, so I figured they all decided to go without us and/or they were mad/upset at me for ditching them or leaving already <_<

I felt bad. But when I had initially decided to go eat with my friends, I was feeling worse that Shiva would be by herself. And I thought, "If I'm gonna be with my friends and thinking about Shiva eating alone or not at all, I'm gonna be worried all night, and I don't know how much fun I'll have."

And honestly, this was an afterthought that occurred when I was trying to go to sleep Friday night: I want to spend as much time with Shiva as I can these next four or so months. Because after she graduates in May, I have no idea when I will actually get to hold her again. We'll probably end up in a long-distance relationship, and I just wanna see her when I can and make our moments together last as long as possible....


So Kat, Ariane, and Andrew, I don't know if you read this, but I'm sorry for bailing on you at the last minute. Sorry, Kat, since it was my last chance to see you before you went back to Harvard. It was messed up on my part 'cause I said I'd go and then I didn't. I hope you don't think I didn't hang out with you just because she's my girlfriend. That wasn't it. I really did try to think this through and find what all the pros and cons were for all the decisions. In the end, I figured that it would be better if everyone was with someone, even if it wasn't with everyone they had wanted. Yeah, I probably could have done things better, but I didn't. Sorry if it upset you, but I made my decision to go. I don't regret it. And I hope you guys had fun that night without me.


So yeah, I hung out with Shiva. We talked. She shared a lil bit about what happened at Leadership Today, the retreat she went on. The first thing she told me about, how she introduced the topic made me stop and sweat a little because I thought someone had gotten seriously injured and she mentioned a name of a professor I know. But what had happened was not as tragic but still really terrible. And it had impacted Shiva greatly, as did the rest of the retreat...

Before she shared more about LT, we went to eat at The Tandoori Oven. Saag paneer and cholay bhature (looked it up on their website just now). Definitely can't read or pronounce any of that well, but that's ok XD Tasty. Took some of both home.

The rest of the night, because I hadn't received any more texts, I was worried that my friends were angry at me ;-; especially since I've never had this kinda conflict before and stuff. Shiva was worried that my friends would dislike her because they'd think she took me away from them (Same thing's happened to her in regard to me. I'm still not that well-liked, I guess heh <_<;). I assured her that if that's what they thought, I would tell them the truth that I had decided on my own without any influence from her. I had even initially told her that I was gonna eat with my friends. But anyway, I tried to reassure Shiva that my friends wouldn't dislike her for Friday because she wasn't the one who decided what I was going to do.

After that, we just laid in bed and talked. Or mostly Shiva did. LT was good for her :) I'm so glad. She had been worried about it, but it turned out to be "life-inspiring" as she put it. I was really happy to hear it.

And I'm just gonna say that the conversation in her room that night, along with all our other conversations during the night, made my night better :3 I was surprised and confused XD I didn't know what to say or think. I was just like O_O I'm still not sure haha XD Kinda. I dunno. I don't think I'm thinking enough haha. Wasn't sure what to think. But I know I was happy :)

Went to sleep pretty early. But I woke up soon after, thinking and worrying. I didn't get much sleep >_> Was thinking about how to apologize and stuff like that. But eventually I realized all I could apologize for was the not showing up when I said I would. No apologizing for not leaving Shiva to be by herself. No apologizing for all the good stuff that happened Friday night. I can't explain the good things, but it just made me really happy.

Saturday, we woke up kinda early. Shiva had planned to go with Michelle W to the mall because Michelle wanted someone to accompany her as she got a naval piercing. Shiva wanted me to stay in her room to sleep -_- Instead, I tagged along.

Michelle drove us to Valley Fair. Went to the body piercing shop, Body Jewelz, I think. Checked out the piercings and stuff. Then when Michelle got her piercing, Shiva and I recorded it and her reaction on two cameras XD So funny. The guy who did the piercing was nice and funny, making fun of us XP We know the three of us don't look older than 18 haha.

After the piercing, Shiva and I bought a caramel pecanbon from Cinnabon. Tasty, but so unhealthy. Michelle drove us back to campus. Shiva and I spent the rest of the day in her dorm. For some reason, the order of the things we did isn't in my head o_o;

I remember watching "Iron Man 2." It wasn't very good. The plot wasn't all that interesting. The final fight scene was so quick. I was hoping it would redeem some of the movie, but it didn't. The main villain wasn't very convincing either. I dunno. The movie was off, didn't enjoy it as much as I enjoyed the first movie.

I also remember eating leftover cholay bhature. The frame of my glasses broke. Shiva fixed it with tape <_< so I look more like a geek now (When I went home on Sunday, I actually re-taped it. So I probably look a little geekier). Shiva talked about LT some more. Sadly, I can't remember what else we did Saturday other than talk and stuff.

Sunday, we were awoken by a early morning phone call from Shiva's aunt. Learned that Shiva's paternal grandfather had died. Her aunt was trying to reach Shiva's dad. I couldn't do anything but hold Shiva. I didn't know what to say. I haven't experienced the death of someone close to me, unless you count Earl. But anyway, yeah, we were awake then. Shiva talked about her grandfather. I listened, hoping I knew what I could say. Nothing really came out.

I fell back to sleep, and Shiva left the room. I woke an hour later, and Shiva wasn't back. So I walked out to the living room, and she was there, using her computer. I sat with her. We looked at textbook prices. She's got 11 books she needs for her classes next semester. So fun <_<

Watched "The Kids Are All Right." Not what we expected. Much more sex than we liked. Thought the movie would be more family-focused, but no. The only character Shiva and I felt sympathy for was Nic. But other than that, we thought the characters were underdeveloped. I think the ending was a quick, "happy" ending. Closure, but not real closure.

After the movie, we took a bus to Safeway, since Shiva had almost no food in her kitchen. Earlier, I had called Mother to ask her to pick us up from Safeway. I told her it would take at least an hour and a half in Safeway for us to get stuff, but she misunderstood me. So while Shiva and I were in Safeway, Mother and D came an hour early. Mother kept calling me, asking if we were done. We were not. She was getting frustrated. So I had to cut the grocery shopping short. Mother came into the store to look for us too -_- Went and paid for everything. Went out to the car. D was driving because Mother didn't know the area. Drove back to campus. Helped Shiva carry all the stuff back up. Then left.

In the car, Mother just yelled at me for helping my friends too much. "Why are you so good to your friends? One day, they're going to turn on you. They won't help you when you really need them to. They haven't helped you with anything. How could you ignore our family and help your friends? Don't you care about us? You're just gonna ignore us and let our house be destroyed." She said things like this, among other negative things I care not to mention. While she's spilling all this babble, I was just thinking, "Well, when I do help you, all you do is get mad at me for not doing it all the time or not doing it correctly. Then you yell at me to stop and you do it yourself. So what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to just stick around, do things for you while you talk about how lazy, unhelpful, or ungrateful I am, and be happy about how much good I'm doing for the family?"

I know I'm probably in the wrong for some of the things I do. But being angry and yelling at me all the time isn't gonna help me make 'better' decisions. It just makes me wish other things would happen..


I know I probably focused more on the negative stuff. But trust me, there were a lot of positives this weekend. I just can't help but feel like the good stuff that happen to me tend to end in negative crap.

There were good times this weekend. Little to no worries. I can't explain how things were good. I'm so bad with words haha. But the conversations, the words, were unexpected but really good.

Oh haha, Shiva's been trying to convince me that I should go to Leadership Today next year. I'll think about it. I had kinda wanted to go to this year's retreat, but the timing just didn't work out. Hopefully, next year's timing will be better. I wouldn't mind being inspired, you know. But who knows if I will be? I have a hard time believing in inspiration.


But anyway, yeah, that was my weekend. Kinda. Ups and downs. Trying to focus on the ups, but the downs have weight.

Not sure what I mean by my title anymore haha. Just something from inside my head... There are no explanations there right now haha.

Clarification

Hey, so a couple of months ago, I wrote a blog entry about my trip to So Cal to visit Shiva. In it, I talked about how we went to a dance club. I just want to clarify one part. I don't know if it makes any difference now, but it matters.

When I wrote:

"There were go-go dancers o__o Did not want to look, but couldn't help it. I found it funny to watch the girls watching the go-go dancers XD Their mouths were open. They looked mesmerized haha."

I don't know how you actually took that part of my entry. I meant for you guys to believe that I was checking out the dancers but then realize that I meant I was laughing (on the inside) at their audience. I dunno. I thought it was funny. I thought I had made it somewhat clear that that was what I was focusing on and not on the go-go dancers.

I know I didn't write that properly, so it might have come off as if I couldn't stop looking at the dancers. But really, when I was looking at them, I was thinking about their audience and how I was going to add this scene to my blog entry.

If I were to go back and revise that part, I'd probably add something to it:

"There were go-go dancers o__o [So strange, so different (for me).] Did not want to look, but couldn't help it. [Why? Because] I found it funny [and sad] to watch the girls watching the go-go dancers XD Their mouths were open. They looked mesmerized haha."

My original intention with writing that part of my entry was to mislead or fool my audience. But it probably didn't work or probably came off wrong. Probably made me seem like I was thinking not-so-innocent things other than "Those girls look sad and pathetic." >_>

I don't know if you believe me or not, but I'm just telling you so that we're clear. This is the best I can do to clear up what I wrote back then. I just want y'all to know that I would never think of someone else in the same way I think about Shiva. I would never even consider thinking of someone else in any non-friendly way because I consider that cheating.

If I ever think or do anything like that, I give all who read this the permission to slap or smack me. I tell you to stop being my friend or just kick me to the curb. Because if that is the case, I do not deserve the girl that I have. She is worth more to me than she thinks. I would never betray her like that. I am much better than that. I hope you all believe me. Nobody else has got anything on her.

Haha Makes me think of "Nothin' On You" by B.o.B Ft. Bruno Mars >_> You should trust me. I am better than those doubts you may have about me.

Wow, I've gone through five weeks of school already...

That's crazy. Means there's only eleven weeks left of school.

What's been happening with me? Not too much. Been hanging out with Shiva and sleeping over on weekends. Just lots of chill times.

Heading into midterms. Had my first one for PHIL 57 (Logic & Critical Thinking) on Wednesday. A quick one, yay. I have three more. Haha I have two midterms in each of my 9am classes and no midterms in my 10:30am classes. Next midterm on Tuesday for SOCI 101 (Social Theory). I'm worried about this one. I'm not quite sure my brain has absorbed much information from that class ): After that, I wait about another three weeks until my second PHIL midterm and then SOCI midterm. Then about month later, I have three finals o_o

Lots and lots of papers. Not really. Feels like it though. I have a research outline due next week for SOCI 100W (Writing Workshop). Got a mini paper due for PHIL 109 (Philosophy of Religion) too. Week after, I have a paper due for 100W. And the week after that, I have my first draft for the research paper due for the same class. Two weeks after that, I have a SOCI 101 paper due on my birthday and a PHIL 109 paper due two days later. Second draft due two weeks after that. Final paper for PHIL 109 due a week later. Three weeks later, my research paper (8-12 pages) is due on the last day of class. Might also do a third paper for SOCI 101.

That probably isn't that much work, but I'm lazy and I'm not used to doing that much outside writing in a semester -_- Darn upper divisions XP haha. But I know I can do it. I have an awesome support system :P


Anyway, the past two weeks have gone by fast. I think if I get through the semester (or my life) day by day and week by week, it will fly by real fast. It seems to be doing that right now. It's crazy how I didn't really talk to that many people just a year ago. I joined QTIP and Q&A around this time. I met Harrison a year ago yesterday (we remembered!). And I (probably) met Shiva a year ago next Wednesday.

Haha that reminds me. Shiva and I have been trying to figure out the actual date of when we met. We don't actually remember. Managed to narrow down the possible dates to 9/29 and 10/6. Most likely the latter. Cannot remember anything from the QTIP meeting except that it was our first encounter. Day did not register in my head, and I didn't blog about it ): It's obviously because neither of us thought the other was gonna become an important part of her life x3 Wish I had a better memory or put more details into my blog XP

But yeah, it's interesting how things work out in just a year o_o So crazy, strange, weird, exciting, unexpected, etc etc....

But anyway, back to the last two weeks... I don't really remember too much because I haven't been blogging XP I should try, but eh -shrug-

Slept over at Shiva's the past two weekends. Chillaxing and getting some stuff done.

Two weekends ago... Well, I don't really remember anything other than sleeping over. I remember Shiva was not very productive. Well, nor was I.

Last weekend, I slept over Friday and Saturday. Friday, she, Brian, and I went to the BlueLight Cinema in Cupertino to watch "Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World." It has been such a long time since the three of us have chilled together. It's sad. But Brian is now busy with classes and SAE stuff ): No time for Shiva and me anymore. You don't love us anymore, do you, Brian? Anyway, the movie was good. I give it a 7/10. It was entertaining. Definitely made me laugh. The graphics were awesome and very reminiscent of the video and arcade games I used to play. Lots of weird corny things haha. I give the movie a 7, however, because it felt like something was missing. I dunno. I can't explain it. Maybe I just don't like corny comedies all that much anymore XP

Saturday was the day of the Student Organization Leadership Conference (SOLC). I represented QTIP and Q&A as a group member for both. Sign in with Crystal and Shiva. Intro session was meh, ok. Learned stuff about drinking on campus. Then had a selection of workshops to attend (required to attend one during each of the three sessions). Followed Crystal to all three sessions. Lunch was a sandwich, but I didn't eat. Nor did Shiva ): Anyway, at the end of the conference, turned in paper stuff and got a free T-shirt. I like it :)

That night, Shiva and I attended Matt C's birthday celebration in his and Mackenzie's dorm. Lots of alcohol and juice. And chicken. Most people were there already. Some already got started on drinking. Shiva and I stayed for about an hour and a half. No drinking for us. Needed to go get stuff done and sleep. Played "Ten Fingers." At first, I didn't know what that was about, but then I realized it was "Never Have I Ever." No alcohol involved in this game. And there were negatives (I got -2; Shiva had like -12 or something). Some of the never's were disgusting or just blehh XP Sex in public places, golden showers, rimming, hot plate. Learned way too much about some people. And haha, oh, Billy XD His reaction to stuff was so funny.
Sang the birthday song twice to Matt. Snickerdoodle cake (do not like). Left the party at like 11pm. Sleep sometime after midnight.

Mm, yesterday, I went to a Vietnamese American group discussion thing. My AAS prof was there. So were another professor and four or five other students. One person talked to me about linguistic etiquette because I addressed her as "Co" (how one addresses a female who is several years older, or at least that's how I learned it) instead of "Chi" (how one addresses a female who slightly older, like an older sister). I thought I had said something wrong, but apparently I just made her feel old <_< I didn't know; I personally do not notice age. I address almost all older Vietnamese females as "Co" unless it is apparent what their age is in relation to me.
Anyway, the group talked about how to communicate with Viet parents. It was interesting and informative. I think I actually started the discussion with my question (How do I explain my Sociology major to my mom?). Eventually, we touched on topics such as how to explain education decisions and dating, specifically interracial dating. It seems everyone in that room who was dating or married was in an interracial relationship o: How fascinating. Surprising. Usually, Viet people (at least many of the ones I've known) tend to date other Viets. Also, I've never seen anyone who was half Viet and half Filipino before yesterday XD

Random: I always try to think of the weirdest racial mix (in pairs) that I can. But it gets harder every time I try XP I used to think being half Irish and half Korean would be a weird mix. Or half Indian and half anything else... XD I was a strange person, I know. So racist too. Now, I'm just thinking there's probably all types of racial mixing; I just haven't met many of them yet. But yeah, done with the tangent.

SJSU Job & Internship Fair yesterday. Shiva refrained from hugging or kissing me ): Why? Because I didn't make a resume the night before. She had given me an ultimatum: either I make a resume or she wouldn't touch me for a whole day. I didn't make the resume. So she kept her word T-T Made me sad. But the career fair was interesting. There were A LOT of Indian people there. Some lines were like exclusively Indian haha XD Mostly the Engineering and Business companies and organizations. Shiva and I checked out a few tables. She signed up for the Peace Corps stuff and got a free bag :P Then we checked out the CIA (woo! Free stuff: post-its, mini flashlight, hand sanitizer, and a lanyard), City Year, Seneca Center, Coaching Corps, EPA (neither of us actually qualify for much, and one lady's hair reminded us of 80's hair XD it was pretty awesome), and Burson Marsteller (the rep helped Shiva improve her resume). Lots of mentoring programs. I'm kinda considering them >_> But I gotta wait till I get my degree first. Then I can take time off from schooling and go join a yearlong mentoring/teaching program that pays a living stipend and helps with scholarship money for graduate school.

We also went to the KOHL's table on a whim at the end. Shiva talked to the lady a bit. The lady asked her what her major was. When Shiva told her, the lady's smile stopped and twitched, and then she said something like "That's not even close to retail." I dunno. Shiva and I left, laughing but thinking that lady was just rude.

Ooh, so I was heading home yesterday after the QTIP meeting was over at 7:30pm. Walked with Craig toward the light rail. Passed Harrison and an acquaintance of his. I didn't notice because I was all caught up in the conversation with Craig. Anyway, on the light rail home, when we stopped at the Convention Center, the light rail driver announced over the PA to passengers to get their passes ready to be checked. As soon as the doors opened, Harrison bolted from the light rail across the street. His friend and I didn't know where he was going. Thought he was gonna stop across the street, so we got off the light rail. But he kept running. Some other dude also ran away from the light rail. Security people (12 of them?) had been waiting on the platform. A new ticket-checking method: check point.
Security people tried to chase the other guy, yelling at him to stop running, but he got away.
Friend and I found out Harrison ran all the way to the next stop, Children's Discovery Museum XD So we waited for the next light rail, though we realized we could have walked to the next stop before the light rail ever came. And every time a light rail passed by, the friend would get excited and wait to see if anyone ran. Honestly, I have never seen anyone run from light rail people before (well, except Harrison on the night that we met on the light rail hahaha).
Back on the light rail, there were a couple of people complaining about the tickets 'cause they got tickets and others didn't.


T-T !! Ahhh, I just hit my funny bone really hard T-T It buuuurns!! My forearm and my pinky tingled, I tasted the bitterness of the pain, and then the tingly parts burned T-T aahhh...


Anyway, blah. My brain, grr... Memory is shot @_@ I feel like I'm remembering fewer and fewer details as the days go by. All I can recall are general feelings that I've had. Details are just sketchy -_-


Hm, Q&A events to look forward to:
10/11 - BBQ
10/-- - Halloween Haunt at Great America
10/-- - Queer Homecoming
11/3 - UCSC Queer Pin@y Conference
11/8 - Thanksgiving Potluck
12/2 - Hot Chocolate & S'mores

Not sure I got the right dates, but yeah.

Other things to look forward to? I don't really know. Can't think of anything at the moment.


How's life been for y'all, eh? Good, I hope. My life has been all right, a bit on the happier side lately. Have had a few sad days, but I've got someone special helping me up :3

But anyway, yeah, life is all right. Still not that fond of the semester, but I won't complain too much. I just need to not put things off so much, but I already have. So sad. I hope next semester won't be this bad.

What else? Hmm, I've been meaning to update the blog, but I just forget and do other stuff. Sad. Blogging is not a big part of my life anymore. I'm actually staying off the computer for most of the day XD Yay!

Uhh, ok, I should get back to work and then go to bed haha. Been staying up too late every day for non-productive reasons. Hmm... Wonder what I'm doing this weekend...


Mm ^^ I ramble too much. In my head. I don't know what to type T-T

Question 2

I don't know if it's because people don't think I think about other things or they don't want to ask me other things. But many people have been talking to me about love and relationships. And I only bring up the topic with a few people -shrug- A couple of people trying to give me advice lately too >_> or "encourage" me to do something about my relationship status -_-

Like I need people to remind me that I'm alone, that I want to be with someone -sigh-

Anyway, I'm not sure how I'm gonna answer this question. I thought I already talked about this enough, but I guess not. I'm just gonna type whatever stuff comes to mind. Not gonna be in any coherent order. Is there ever any order? Ok, onward with the flow of consciousness haha...


Q: What is love?


A: Oh baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more... :P

I'm assuming this question is about romantic love. Well, I'm not sure what love is. An emotion? An attachment to another? An irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired? :P Robert Frost ftw!

I don't think the love I'm looking for can really be described haha. Or I just don't know how to find the words to describe it. But I'm sure love is what most of us are looking for though. I just don't really know what it is. It's too abstract for me to be able to define for myself. But since it is a known concept, I can't help but think about it often.

Since I can't define it quite how I want to, I'm just gonna tell you what I think of it. I'm not sure I know anything of it haha.

To feel wanted would be nice. Not just accepted by friends, but to be really wanted and needed by someone. To want and need someone as well. To be with someone who cares that much about you. To know you're not alone. To not feel lonely.

Love is a give-and-take kinda thing, isn't it? Unless you include one-sided love; then never mind. But yeah, you give a part or all of yourself to someone special, and they do the same for you. You both talk, listen, care, and take the time to make things work. Both must put effort into the relationship. You give what you can, and you take what you need. It's a kinda process of sorts.

Love invites trust. And with that, vulnerability. Reminds me of a quote. If I could only find it... "Love is giving someone the ability to destroy your heart... but trusting them not to." That is a lot of trust. Just saying.

Oh, there's a difference between loving someone and being in love. Remember that. Haha I know there's a difference even if I can't define love in absolute terms. To love someone means you care about them (Does this mean you can love strangers?). To be in love with someone means... what?


I have questions about love for you:
Is love something that you find? Or is it something you build up? I mean, is it just there when you meet someone? Or do you have to know the person and wait for love to find its way in later?
Are there such things as soulmates? What is a soulmate?
Is love predetermined and guaranteed? Or is it something you're supposed to keep working on together?
How do you know it's love?
Is love a decision or something you can't control? Compulsion? Obsession?
If you rush into love, are you likely to rush out of love?
When you're in a relationship, do you think about the long-term or do you only think about what is there at the time of the relationship?
Why does it seem so easy for people to fall out of love?

Oh, I have so many questions haha. I'm curious as to what you have to say.


I've been talking to Robert B on AIM. I asked him what he thought love was. His answer:

"That warm fuzzy feeling inside, just being around someone. Where just thinking about them can make you smile - if you let yourself - and when the thought of them being happy is enough to make you happy"

I wish I could keep my answer as simple as that because I do agree with his answer. But you know me; I gotta think and rethink it.


Whatever love is, I hope I can find/see it, have the courage to pursue it, and believe that I deserve it.

I only know what it is to like someone. A lot. I don't know what it means to be in love with someone. I'm afraid I won't get it right. But eh, I suppose I am willing to take a chance? Maybe? If someone's willing to give me a chance, mm...

I wonder how I will be if and when I decide to take a chance. Should I take a chance? haha...


Ooh, quotes haha. Just a collection of many that resonate with me, I suppose. And I'm sure some would resonate with you too.


Haha well, I don't think I answered that question at all. Instead, I rambled. And I still didn't say much.

And why do I feel like people are going to continue to ask me about love and relationships? Hmmm... I suppose I don't really mind talking about this stuff, but I'm not sure I have a whole reservoir of things to say on this topic. I'm already repeating myself, you know.


Anyway, five days of classes left. Then a week or so of finals. Then SUMMER BREAK. It seems Disneyland might not be happening ): nor is Expo happening 'cause it's just too expensive for me x_x but hey, that just means Mother and Brother are willing to pay for some other trip(s) I might take this summer. I'm still not sure if I want to take summer classes so that I can apply for Justice Studies. I might not declare that. I might change my mind. To what, I do not know yet. Will also try to find a friggin' job.

Yep. Scary fast, this semester. Can't believe it's almost over O: What shall I do during the summer? Not like I can hang out with people every day ): I can't use school as an excuse. Blah. We'll see what happens. Maybe Mother and I will move this summer. Who knows?

I'm really liking this straying-from-routine thing....

I have three essays that I should try to write this week. And a presentation to make with my partner for Linguistics. I was going to go home early today to try to write my Sociology second draft, but I decided against it :P

Also, people assume too much sometimes. Or oftentimes. Today, I count instance #7, starting from two weeks ago. Another assumption made; another denied... -sigh-


Today, I went to AAS in the morning. Afterward, I helped Shiva set up the QTIP table near the Student Union. Yay, tabling for the Drag Show. Then off to hip hop dance class. Then to Shiva's place for a while. She was supposed to focus on her math homework -_- I tried to leave her alone, but she wouldn't leave me alone! D: She went to class at 15h00. I went to turn in my French homework and left. Skipped class 'cause I didn't feel like I could concentrate today.

Found Brian in the Engineering Club Room. He was sleeping. So I sat next to him for a while before I decided to poke him awake haha. Spent like the next hour or so talking about his interesting weekend. Also, he read one of my previous posts about my relationship expectations. That was different. I'm usually not around people while they read my blog. Kinda weird. Anyway, he turned this time into therapy time >_> He even "took notes" in his sketchbook. Really, he doodled haha. That was funny XP

Then he had class at 16h30. So we headed toward his class across campus. On the way there, Matt C saw me and walked up behind me haha. So then, I followed Matt as he went around campus to pass out flyers to the departments for the new Climate Science major. Sounds interesting, doesn't it?

Met up with Eve T at the LGBT Resource Center to print posters. Talked to Bonnie, who works in the center, about Matt's love life. Or rather his friends' love lives. I'm sure I can wait till the days my friends start getting married and having kids. Oi, that's gonna be weird @_@ I still see us as the high school kids we used to be. Can any of you imagine us getting married and having kids yet? Haha.

Anyway, Matt and I then went to the AS Print Shop to laminate posters, print out 150 pages of 4x4 Drag Show ads, and cut the ads. Took us half an hour. Whew.

Went back to his apartment. Ate some of his Shrimp Chips :D Dang, I haven't had those in soooo long XD Used to eat those like every day. Still as tasty as I remember.

Went to the Dining Commons. I was his last swipe :D haha. Had a vegan chicken burger, french fries, a pear, and an Orange Dream Machine from Jamba Juice (only drink I ever buy from there, though I suppose I should try something else eventually). I usually don't like vegan food, but that chicken was actually pretty tasty.

Haha Matt and I spent like two hours there, eating and talking. Mostly about relationships. He gave me relationship advice. Why? Well, because earlier he had asked me if I was in a relationship with someone (I said no) and if I liked anyone (again, I said no; not that I would have said yes if I did).

His advice was something I needed to hear -nods- I will keep all those things he told me in mind. Don't put so much weight on the relationship (can't let it make or break me, I guess). Communicate. Accept that there will be fights and mistakes. You only learn how to be a good partner through experience.
^A lot of this stuff scares me. But I'm sure if I'm ever in a relationship, I would definitely try to make it work, keeping all these things in mind. I'm still looking for "perfect," but I know perfect isn't realistic. I'm not perfect; I shouldn't expect perfect. How could I be so deserving of that? haha...

Hm, Matt also talked about his past experiences. Interesting stuff :P

Then Jonathan (guy from Halloween party) sat down in front of me haha. Hadn't seen him in a while. Laughed because Matt and I had been talking about someone named Jonathan when he sat down with us.

Around 20h00, Matt let me into CVB and the elevator so I could head up to Shiva's again. Told him something and hugged him, and he left.

Wow, I spent like three and a half hours with Matt today :) That was fun ^_^ Our conversation made me think through some things and feelings. Hm. Makes me wonder some things too, but I'll just keep those thoughts in my head for now :P

Anyway, chilled with Shiva for about two hours as she ate noodles. Unskillfully, I might add :P Just sat, talked, and whatnot. Left at 22h00 'cause she had a study group thing to go to.

Ooh, I didn't fall asleep on the light rail tonight :D Amazing. I was quite awake.

So now I'm home. Working on my Sociology paper. Or was. Till I started typing this entry. I really don't wanna work on anything anymore. End of semester needs to come soon.

Oh, I may end up taking summer courses this year. We'll see. If I really wanna try to declare Justice Studies next semester. Mm. Should figure out which community college to attend. Should figure out financial aid too -_-

What else? Oh yeah, no Linguistics all week. However, I still have to show up tomorrow to watch a video -_- Ooh, I should probably go to my Sociology class on Thursday. Maybe. I dunno. I don't feel like I'm learning much when I'm sitting in class >_> Should catch up with all the reading and assignments though. Tomorrow. Maybe.

Grr, so much stuff happening this week. I want to go to everything. Drag Show, Vietnam War short movies at Camera 12 (AAS extra credit), play called "Yellow Face," SJSU Day of Service, Q&A Con, Leading with PRIDE... There are like two more things, but I forgot what they are >_< Too many things coinciding or really close together. I can't attend all of them 'cause Mother would kill me x_x and I've got way too much work to catch up on T-T


Ok, back to writing. For another half an hour. Then I'll resubmit, and that's that. Good night. Errr good morning.

Question 1

I'm gonna try this new thing. Ask me a question and I'll answer it publicly in an away message or blog. I won't answer all questions, but I'll try to be completely honest for whichever I do answer.

This is a step toward honesty, I guess.


One person has already asked me this today. Several other people, including Brother, have asked me these questions before.

Q: You're in college. You need to start dating. Why haven't you asked anyone out on a date already? Why aren't you dating or in a relationship now? When are you gonna START DATING?

A: Because that's how my life has gone so far? Or maybe I'm just too picky? haha I don't really know why I haven't dated anyone. Just never got a good opportunity, I suppose.

I'm not dating now because I don't feel like it? Really, I don't like the whole "dating system." I prefer getting to know each other as friends and then taking it from there. I like the slow progression in friendship and relationship without the official dates. That just adds too much pressure on me -_- because I'd think about it too much.

Of course, this hasn't worked for me much because I seem to like the impatient types D: They don't want to take things slow. They just want me to ask them out, just like that -snaps finger- But that's not how I operate. So I'm waiting for someone who wants to take things slow.

And I'm also very good at being "just a friend" :P Soo good at it that I'm always eventually put into the Friend Zone hahaha. How sad.

Plus, I don't just ask someone out because I really gotta feel like I know them well enough. We gotta connect on some level. Both emotionally and physically.

And I dunno when. We'll see what happens. If I meet someone I really like, if they make it obvious (and I mean really obvious) that they want something more. Only then would I even consider trying anything haha. You already know I'm really shy. I don't wanna do something without feeling some sense of security before I embarrass myself.

And really, I'm still scared. I've had more than enough of those yes-then-no answers, ok? (Two times is enough to hurt my pride, you know) Not only do I want to be sure of my own feelings for someone, but I want them to be sure of theirs too. I don't want someone to change their mind about me so quickly 'cause that hurts like fuckin' hell. I'm not gonna put myself through that again.


And damn it, why am I expected to be the one to ask someone else out? D: You're putting pressure on me!


Seriously though, I'm not sure if I would be ready for dating or a relationship haha. I'm too chicken to try anything with anyone if there was someone. And you know, it's likely gonna be a girl who I wanna be with haha. And I want things to go a certain way. Like with family and stuff. I wanna be able to introduce her to my family, but I know that won't happen. Well, she could probably meet Brother. I don't think I would ever introduce her to Mother, not even as a friend, because Mother gets too suspicious about my female friends. She won't say anything, but the way she talks lets me know she's thinking the wrong thing.

So part of the reasons I'm not trying to date anyone is family.

Another part is really I don't think I'm worth it. You could always possibly find someone better than me. Hm.

Haha I think about this too much. If I could boil this all down to the most basic thing, I would say I haven't dated and am not dating because I'm too afraid of so many different things that could happen. That's how it feels like. Afraid of family, afraid of heartbreak, afraid of my own insecurity, afraid of anything that could go wrong.

And I've already said, I wanna get this stuff right the first time. But chances of that happening are slim, so I'm not really trying all that hard for anything. And this makes me feel like a loser. And then I think, "Who would want a loser like me, who thinks so negatively of herself, who is too afraid?" -sigh- Yeah.

Haha besides, I always feel like I'm misinterpreting signals anyway XP I did misread signals every single time I liked someone in high school. Girls are so hard to read. It's not always that fun to figure them out 'cause I'm always thinking what-if's and that-can't-be's. I'd like to think that I'm somewhat easy to read compared to most other people. But then again, I dunno how people see me, so -shrug-


See? I wrote a lot about something. Though, I kinda wish I wrote a lot about some other thing XP But yeah, ask me a good question and let's see if I have much to say in reply, yeah? haha

I'd like to believe that I deserve to be in love...

but I don't. Just saying.


CAUTION: Really long and lame entry!!


So I was talking to someone about love and relationships, not that I ever have anything important to contribute XP But it got me thinking about my expectations(?). A perfect progress(?) haha. I dunno, something. Includes: Hand-holding, kisses, hugs, cuddling, time/space, communication, trust, sex.

I can be a romantic, you know. I know I might seem aloof, cold, or awkward sometimes. But I can be really affectionate (apparently). Of course, I'm only basing this off of one short experience, my self-perception, and my preferences(?) :P

I shall be using "she" and "her" to refer to the hypothetical significant other just to make it simple and realistic :P


Holding Hands
I've only ever held hands with someone once. Well, I mean, I've held hands with many people for some reason or other. But affectionately (with obvious reciprocation), just once. That was a good day/night. I felt loved. Our fingers were intertwined, and we were walking side by side, pointing out the things we saw, ignoring the strangers' stares. What I would give to have that moment again. Not that particular moment with that particular person, but just that moment with that feeling (indescribable).

Ahh, I really miss that feeling. Had it once, been wanting it ever since haha. Yeaah, I've held hands with friends. But they're friends. Not the same feeling. No intertwining fingers. The spaces between my fingers remain empty. I'll leave the intertwining fingers for someone special :P I think that was what confirmed my feelings (and Rose's as well). Or affirmed. If she hadn't taken my hand, I probably wouldn't have asked her that night.

I think that's how it's gonna go. I don't think I'd ever be the first to take someone's hand in mine. I would wait for it, just to be safe :P Always playing it safe now.


Kisses
So far, I've only received a kiss on the cheek (no, not from those dudes -_-). I remember Rose kissed me on the cheek that one day at ST. I still remember the feeling. We were hugging goodbye. Then she kissed my cheek, smiled, and ran away. I stood there, dumbstruck and then giddy. Did she really just kiss my cheek? Or am I daydreaming again? That kiss on the cheek gave me hope. Hope that someone could actually fall in love with me. Again, I miss that feeling, no matter how evanescent it was.

Hm, I've kissed Andrew on the cheek on a dare haha (only kiss on the cheek I've ever given). I still remember that. Elora -_- I can't believe she made me do that XP SO awkward.

My first kiss on the lips has yet to come. But I'm patiently waiting ^_^ Cliche, but I want it to be perfect. I have a thing for firsts, you know. I suppose this is what stops me from pursuing anyone. I don't want to screw anything up, especially a first. My perfectionist side showing through. It's gotta be with the right person at the right moment. First kiss = the start of a strong, long-lasting relationship. Not something to do on a whim or a dare -_- Not the start of a bad relationship. But that's not something anyone can control. Unless there's brainwashing involved >_>


Hugs
Haha yes, I really would hug. I'm not that afraid. Really, I'm in much need of hugs. But I don't like to accept the ones offered. I'm just weird like that. No, well, yeah. I've got a certain mindset in regard to hugs, which I've already kinda mentioned before.

Hugging friends, I don't really hug. Just wrap my arms around, give a light squeeze, and release as soon as possible. I think I'm reserving real hugs for someone I have feelings for haha. Real hugs, as I defined them back in December, are just too personal for me. Too close.

Honestly, I'm afraid that if I hug someone for real, if I don't check myself, I won't wanna let go. Or I won't let go. I'd hug her till I was all hugged out haha. My true hugs would be strong, long, and full of warmth :P I'd like to believe so anyway haha.

I will give a real hug. Eventually. Hopefully. I mean, I suppose I gave Rose real hugs back then because I was into her. She probably was the first friend I had ever really hugged. And possibly, that whole drama stuff put me off of hugs almost for good haha (Of course, I'm being reconditioned now).

When I give a real real hug, you'll know/find out haha. You won't expect it. Don't expect it. It will be real then.


Cuddling
I miss this too haha. Such a comfortable feeling it provided. Could be accompanied by hand-holding and blankets. Ahh... Sharing and absorbing warmth. On par with hugs. With closeness and comfort. Again, would not wanna let go haha.

To have someone to lean on or to have someone to lean on me... It's nice. Or it would be.

I remember Rose used to pull my arm around her at first. I got used to it and started putting my arm around her myself :P Having someone in my arms felt wonderful. I wasn't alone. I wasn't empty. No empty space. All I think about now is the empty space around me.



Time/Space
How much time should a couple spend together? All the time? No. That's too much. But then again, how much is too much? How often is too often? I mean, I already feel like I always follow the same friends too much, too often. I feel like a tag-along and an inconvenience sometimes, even when they say I'm not. But I just like being around the same people. Feels safe.

If I were to get into a relationship, I wonder how bad I would get. I don't know if I would be clingy. And I don't want to be with someone who's too clingy either. Space is good sometimes. Just don't know. I feel like she would get sick of me D: I hope I wouldn't get tired of her either. I don't think I would. I'm easily entertained. So if she keeps me entertained, I'm good XP We could chill all day every day.

Then there's the other side of the coin, where I wouldn't be able to always be there when she needs or wants me. I have obstacles, mainly family/Mother. If I couldn't make it to her, I'd feel inadequate and unworthy haha XP I'd feel terrible.

But if conditions were ideal, time and space would bend for us to make things work out well. Really, I just wanna always be there when I'm needed or wanted. I wanna be that amazing haha.


Communication
You already know that I'm not that open about my life. Only parts of it. But not the parts that really matter to me or preoccupy my mind. Errr you get some of it but not all of it.

I imagine that whomever I'm in a relationship with would know a lot about me. Like just about everything. Every experience, every feeling I've ever had, every doubt I ever harbored, just everything. Eventually, of course. Through meaningful, honest, and comfortable conversations. No lies, not even by omission.

I'm not sure if I ever had this with Rose. Maybe a little. Or a lot for a sophomore in high school. I suppose that's why I don't tell people things anymore. Letting you in close means I risk pain and vulnerability. Even with friends.

I've noticed that all the people I had a genuine interest in were talkative :P They always had something to say. All I had to do was listen. It worked for me haha. In a relationship with me, I suppose she would have to expect a lot of silence from me >_> Or if she's just totally amazing, she'd help me learn to speak more, to fill in the conversations with words that make me feel heard and understood.


"More than Words" (a subcategory of Communication)
"I love you." I never said that to Rose, and that was our demise, I guess -shrug- I've said it once to my friends, but we weren't even in the same room and I had my back to them, leaving. I think it was at the same party during which I was dared to kiss Andrew on the cheek :P And saying it to family is irrelevant, but I don't say it to them either. Not anymore.

Why I don't say ILY to anyone, it's hard to explain. I do love my friends and family. It's just weird to say that to them. Saying it to someone I care about, much more difficult and awkward, I guess.

Why I didn't say it to Rose: I wasn't sure how I really felt yet. I was into her. I fell for her. I thought if we could make it a few more weeks where we stood, the words would be worth it then. But she wanted me to say it. Too soon. I wasn't ready. Too fast.

I didn't want to say it when she wanted me to say it. Felt like if I did, I was only doing it to please her, not because I wanted to. It's gotta be my decision, my words, my feelings. Don't push your expectations on me. I'll push back. I'll resist. You gotta let me do my thing at my pace. You can nudge and encourage, but that's it. Don't tell me what to do, unless I ask you to. And yeah, I have my expectations (who doesn't?), but I won't push them onto anyone. Who am I to push someone to do something they really don't want to do or something that they're not sure of?

Besides, "I love you" is thrown around so often. You can never be sure if it's for real. You don't know if it's meant for friendship or for amour. I want my words to be real when I say them (they usually are). In my opinion, their scarcity makes them real and true. That's just how I am. I want my words to be understood and believed every time I say them. Words are important.


Trust
Kinda ties in with communication.

A difficult find. In many ways. I wanna trust someone, but that's like taking a leap of faith. Plus, I'm not sure I trust myself enough to let others trust me as well. I mean, you can trust me when I say I would never cheat. I'd be honest about my feelings (or the lack of) for a person when I'm sure of them. I'm actually quite honest when it comes to other people. I just don't say much about me personally. But yeah, if I'm sure I like you, I'll let you know one way or another. If I don't like you, again I will let you know straight up.

Anyway, a relationship needs trust. Trust that you won't lie, you won't cheat, you won't leave. Trust that you'll be honest, you'll sincerely care, you'll stay through all the ups and downs. Trust that though you'll hurt each other, you're gonna try to make it work. Trust that you won't break each other's heart, you'll know when to give up and let go.


Sex
I have nooo experience whatsoever with this. But I hear it's a part of a healthy relationship. Asexuals would disagree, I'm sure. Though, I haven't met many, so -shrug-

I'm not sure what I could say about sex. It's not something I'm particularly looking for. I mean, if it comes with the package, then ok haha. But that's something I can wait on. No rush delivery needed XP Whatever happens happens.

I really don't have any expectations for this part of a relationship. Alone time is alone time. Not sure what I would expect. But communication is key. She would have to let me know when she's ready, if we're going too fast or too slow. Honestly, I have no preference for when. I'd wait till she made the first move.



Yeah, I know, I'm usually not the one to make the first move in anything. It's really because I don't wanna risk anything XP Risk of mixed signals, you know. Misinterpretation of signals. I don't wanna embarrass myself too much haha. I wanna know the feelings will be returned. And I like to take things a lil slow. Supposedly too slow? I dunno. More like too hesitant haha.

I know I didn't include many aspects of a relationship. I can't think of many XP

I don't know why I decided to make this entry. It's soo not me to talk about my thoughts on this subject. But I suppose I'm trying to open up? Or just putting off three hours of homework XP

But yeah, now you see how lonely a person I am :P haha but of course, you always knew that. Writing this entry makes me feel kinda desperate though >_>

Listening to all these love songs ain't helpin' me either >_< "Until the End of Time" by Justin Timberlake on repeat right now. Makes me wish I wasn't alone. Makes me feel lonelier.

I wish finding a good, strong love was easier, simpler, and faster. More obvious. Love should be accommodating haha. Nah, I don't really believe that. Should not be like "easy come, easy go." But the waiting and the wondering hurt sometimes.


Ok, I'm done feeling silly now. I can't believe I actually think about this XP Hope you had fun wasting time reading this.

"(500) Days of Summer"

Today was all right. A lot of thinking. Too much focus on stupid things -__- Couldn't distract myself from the thoughts, the feelings.. Fuckin gahh.. I suck >_<


9.XII.09 Edit: OMG!! Blogger messed up this entry D: There's a whole section missing right here -__- I don't remember everything I said. I started talking about the movie from the entry title, saying I could kinda relate, just a lil...



I've never been in love >_> but really strong like is close enough. You just get attached to someone, and they disappoint you in some way. Feels like you'll never recover. You don't know how to deal. You just don't know.

This movie makes me afraid to fall in love (if it will ever happen) XP It kinda just reinforced everything I've ever thought about love and relationships. Mm.. The ending was somewhat mood-lifting, yet not. I don't know. We should move on, but life isn't so simple, so quick, so ideal.

I feel like it's something I should fight. Don't succumb. Ever. No try, no fail, yeah? It's worked for me so far, I guess. How many missed opportunities? I've no idea. I don't (want to) care to think about them. Mm, maybe I haven't really tried. No, I haven't. I don't know if it's worth it, if I'm worth it. I don't seem to be. Not once. The Friend Zone is my comfort zone XP
^I don't know if you got much of that. That's ok. I didn't intend for you to do so anyway.

I have way more to say about this topic, but that's all you're getting XP


I didn't realize until today how difficult it is for me to really talk to anyone now. I told Shiva about the sophomore year thing. But I chopped up and shortened the story. Like whoa. If you remember the whole story, you'd be like "Wtf? What happened to this part of the story?? You always give so much detail!" Eh, I gave her the gist of the story haha. I haven't really told anyone the story in person, except Amy. But even she didn't get everything. Just the gist and some detail.

I really need to work on the talking-to-people-in-person part of my life. I thought I could talk about the past and be ok, but I can't. If I can't talk about the past like I thought I could, I can't talk about anything that's really important to me. I'll work on it, I promise. So many things I need to work on. It's just silence and blogging are so much easier. I don't know why XP

Just in case you're wondering, the sophomore thing was not my main preoccupation today. It was just one of many thoughts passing through my brain.


Ah, my shoulder hurts T-T Been sitting all day. I didn't lie down. Again. I need to remember to not stand or sit for so long. Ahhh. I nearly swerved the Avalon out of my lane because I got distracted by my shoulder haha. Whew, glad I'm still alive >_>


Grr. Why must pain be inevitable? Inevitable pain, teh.. I want to get away from it. If I stay away, I can't be hurt. Who deals with this kind of pain and comes back for more? Ah, courageous people. Or people who just don't pay attention to the pain. I'm too afraid. I'm always afraid. No wonder nothing good ever happens. Why's it gotta be like this? 'Cause I gotta let it be like this. Ah, always my fault. Always my fault. Too much, too fast, too hard. Too easy. In some way, it always is.


Haha I love how I don't make sense. I probably won't even understand half of this entry the next time I read it. It's how it usually goes.


Anyway, free weekend. Don't know what I'm doing. Maybe read, watch shows, movies. Probably not sleep. Haven't slept well in months >_> Wow, I've lied about my sleep a lot. Just realized I've been telling people that I sleep really well. Used to not be a lie. Must adjust. Ooh, yay, I get to cross an item off of my movie list :)

I'm always the single one...

Or that's what it feels like when I'm with my friends. People hooking up, dating, and all that. I feel so left behind -__-

So I found out from Autumn today that a girl (from the "Why am I still thinking about her?" entry) is dating the guy that she had told me she liked. Figures. I already made that assumption because her last status update on Myspace about a month ago said she felt adored and his Facebook said he's in a relationship. Mm. Well, that's cool. It's just weird because I could never imagine him in a relationship haha :P

I just notice something about all the "serious" crushes I had on girls. Those girls, after I "move on," get into relationships relatively soon after. Autumn called me a good luck charm. Chyeah, for other people -__- Not for me. I've yet to meet anyone with whom I have a mutual interest.

I'm such a loser. I feel like I'm never gonna find that someone for me :( My friends are always kissing and hugging their boos, and I feel so alone.

I really suck, for feeling like this. I do this to myself. Bah!

I need happy thoughts. I need a best friend. Hah, never gonna happen. I can't open up. I want someone to open me up. I can't do it alone.

When I think of the perfect girlfriend, I see someone who motivates and encourages me to do better. But she doesn't force me to do too much of anything I don't want to do. She just pushes me enough to get where I should get to. She wants to hang out with me every day, but she wouldn't keep me from doing my work. She makes sure I get work done before we hang out. She wants me to do well in school for myself. She encourages me to try hard in school and in life. She knows exactly when to kiss and hug me. She likes to cuddle and watch movies with me. She doesn't get mad when I can't be with her all the time. She sees my flaws, but she loves me anyway. She just makes me happy whenever she's around. We could say not a word, and I feel like we've had one of the most meaningful conversations ever. Her presence would just overwhelm me with warmth and fuzziness haha.

I just want someone to love, to hold, to fill in the space between my arms. Make me feel at home.


Home is where the heart is,
But I don't know where mine is.


I'm actually feeling the songs "Suffocate" by J. Holiday. I love that song. I want to feel that way about a girl. And "Differences" by Ginuwine and a couple more haha. Love songs. I wish I could relate to love songs.