Is it obsessive?
I've spent a significant portion of each day for the past five(?) days, meticulously going through my things to clean and to recycle. Every day, I manage to rid myself of at least a small trash bin of items. I put the rest of my things back into the various boxes. It takes me at least an hour to do all of this.
I go through each thing, and I think about why I want to keep it. Usually, it is some sort of souvenir from my past, mainly from my academic career, my time with Shiva, and my trips to AX. I debate about... well, I dunno what I debate about. It's more of a feeling about whether I would like to keep the item or not. It is difficult because I am attached to my souvenirs. I used to look at them all the time to remember parts of my past. But they add to the clutter of things that I don't need. I try to tell myself to keep things that I may need in the future or which remind me of important parts of my life. When I'm satisfied, I put all my things back into their respective boxes and place the boxes back in my dresser.
Fifteen minutes later, the boxes are back out, and I'm pondering the same thoughts again. Occasionally, I manage to choose one or two more things to recycle. Usually old high school assignments. Then I pack the boxes away. Then I take them out again. Then away, and then out. I've repeated this process probably twenty or thirty times in the past couple of days. Every time I feel satisfied and put everything away, I start thinking about that one thing or other that I really don't need but kept anyway. Then I take everything out, look at that one thing, wonder about it, make a decision, and then do the same for everything else.
Lately, when I go to bed, my mind is plagued with thoughts about the things that I don't need. I start making a mental list of things that I should get rid of when I wake up. But the boxes-out, boxes-in cycle repeats itself. I have small boxes of things I want. But it bothers me that I have so much clutter. I'm pretty sure that eventually I will get rid of most of the stuff I've kept. It's just a matter of time and a matter of me letting go.
I don't know why I hang on to some of the stuff I have. They are so trivial. So unimportant to me, but I want to keep them. Examples would be report cards, Principal's Award certificates, Honor Roll certificates, and standardized test scores. These things mean very little to me, but I can't throw them out just yet. Why do I keep these things? I look at these things, and I feel nothing about them. I don't feel proud or anything like that. They're just pieces of paper that prove my teachers liked me back in junior high and high school, I knew how to please my teachers, some teachers played favorites, and I knew how to take a test. Other than that, these papers show very little about me. They don't help me remember much of who I was, other than being some supposedly smart kid.
And trust me; I read some of my old writing before I threw most of it out; I don't know how I got A's and B's on half the stuff I wrote. I think the only teacher who ever gave me grades that I agreed with was Mohr. B's, C's, and D's. I may have gotten an F once, but I'm not sure if I'm misremembering that. So I'll just say a D was the lowest grade I've ever gotten in Mohr's class or in school really. Her class made me feel like shit, and I didn't try harder. In fact, I stopped trying hard, especially in her class. That explains why I got a C on my final individual project, comparing myself to Nick Carraway. I think I really only passed her class because my classmates were lenient when grading my stuff and my final group project was with a bunch of my very smart and dedicated friends. Anyway, sorry, this was a tangent...
I think I want to hang on to these papers because I want someone else to see them. Someone important in my life. I just want to share the trivia of my life with someone important to me. Just to have someone who's seen this part of me that I don't care about, just so he or she knows that there was this part of my life that used to feel so important but isn't anymore. Recognition and adults who were proud of me. Just see that. Then I can throw it all away. And not look back at it and feel nothing.
I don't know if this makes sense. I just have letting-go issues haha.
But yeah, I'm slowly getting rid of things. I don't remember half the things I've recycled already. I've been told I might regret throwing things away. But it's ok. I'm more afraid that I'll try to keep all of these things close, and they'll be taken away from me for good. At least, this way, it's my choice to lose these things.
Besides, it's so much clutter! I'm hoping to whittle down my possessions enough so that they all fit into one or two boxes. Now, I've got a small box of books, a bigger box of school stuff, a shoebox of knickknacks and souvenirs, and a cookie tin of random haha. I've still got other things that are not in boxes, but they're mainly photo albums, yearbooks, Sudoku books, and a couple of things I'd rather give away or sell than recycle.
I also can't forget that I have things that won't fit in conventional moving boxes. I've got a reverse blade; no idea what I will do with it. It's a nice souvenir from AX haha. I've also got a hockey stick; pretty good for self-defense :P Also for hockey if I ever play again. I've got bad artwork from a summer art class I took years ago.
I'm liking the space that I've made in my dresser. Once I get rid of some more stuff and give away or sell a few items, I think I'll feel much better about the stuff I'm keeping. Living with as few things as possible would be great. A change from the lifestyle I've had, living with Mother and Brother.
Honestly, I think once I move out, take all my things with me, and share them with someone other than myself, I'll be at ease. I won't obsess so much about reorganizing my stuff. I can share all these souvenirs that my family hasn't even really seen. I think I really just want someone to see the things I've kept to myself all these years, to see the things that I've treasured for some reason.
Souvenirs, reminders, keepsakes. They all remind me of some part of my life. Some event. Some transition. Some person. Something in my life. I feel like I'd forget them without the souvenirs. Except, every time I look through my things, there's something there that never reminded me of anything or no longer reminds me. I look at it, and I try to remember. But I can't. But if it's there, I know it's important, or at least it was. So why can't I remember it? At this point, I decide either to toss it out because it doesn't remind me anymore or to keep it in the hopes that I will remember again. I usually don't remember it again. So now I usually decide to toss it.
It just makes me unhappy to keep all these things that don't remind me of anything. As for the things that still remind me, I'm afraid one day they'll stop. I'm not ready for that.
Anyway, tomorrow, I'll probably take everything out and go through it all once more. I don't know exactly when I'll be satisfied and stop. Maybe I won't stop until I feel annoyed that there's nothing left to get rid of. Or maybe I really do just need to sort through my things with someone significant, and I'll be satisfied then. I dunno. We'll see what happens.
Before I forget, because I probably will, I need to list all the things I plan to give away or sell: flashlight/UV light, Long Day's Journey into Night, The Importance of Being Earnest, The Lovely Bones, TI-83 Plus, The All-American Rejects' self-titled album, and Muse's Absolution album.
If you or anyone you know would like any of these things, please let me know. Otherwise, I don't really know to whom I should give or sell them yet.
Woo! So much blather lately. I'm sorry. I'm hoping my next entry will be more... Interesting? Different?
Showing posts with label obsession. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obsession. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I'd like to believe that I deserve to be in love...
but I don't. Just saying.
CAUTION: Really long and lame entry!!
So I was talking to someone about love and relationships, not that I ever have anything important to contribute XP But it got me thinking about my expectations(?). A perfect progress(?) haha. I dunno, something. Includes: Hand-holding, kisses, hugs, cuddling, time/space, communication, trust, sex.
I can be a romantic, you know. I know I might seem aloof, cold, or awkward sometimes. But I can be really affectionate (apparently). Of course, I'm only basing this off of one short experience, my self-perception, and my preferences(?) :P
I shall be using "she" and "her" to refer to the hypothetical significant other just to make it simple and realistic :P
Holding Hands
I've only ever held hands with someone once. Well, I mean, I've held hands with many people for some reason or other. But affectionately (with obvious reciprocation), just once. That was a good day/night. I felt loved. Our fingers were intertwined, and we were walking side by side, pointing out the things we saw, ignoring the strangers' stares. What I would give to have that moment again. Not that particular moment with that particular person, but just that moment with that feeling (indescribable).
Ahh, I really miss that feeling. Had it once, been wanting it ever since haha. Yeaah, I've held hands with friends. But they're friends. Not the same feeling. No intertwining fingers. The spaces between my fingers remain empty. I'll leave the intertwining fingers for someone special :P I think that was what confirmed my feelings (and Rose's as well). Or affirmed. If she hadn't taken my hand, I probably wouldn't have asked her that night.
I think that's how it's gonna go. I don't think I'd ever be the first to take someone's hand in mine. I would wait for it, just to be safe :P Always playing it safe now.
Kisses
So far, I've only received a kiss on the cheek (no, not from those dudes -_-). I remember Rose kissed me on the cheek that one day at ST. I still remember the feeling. We were hugging goodbye. Then she kissed my cheek, smiled, and ran away. I stood there, dumbstruck and then giddy. Did she really just kiss my cheek? Or am I daydreaming again? That kiss on the cheek gave me hope. Hope that someone could actually fall in love with me. Again, I miss that feeling, no matter how evanescent it was.
Hm, I've kissed Andrew on the cheek on a dare haha (only kiss on the cheek I've ever given). I still remember that. Elora -_- I can't believe she made me do that XP SO awkward.
My first kiss on the lips has yet to come. But I'm patiently waiting ^_^ Cliche, but I want it to be perfect. I have a thing for firsts, you know. I suppose this is what stops me from pursuing anyone. I don't want to screw anything up, especially a first. My perfectionist side showing through. It's gotta be with the right person at the right moment. First kiss = the start of a strong, long-lasting relationship. Not something to do on a whim or a dare -_- Not the start of a bad relationship. But that's not something anyone can control. Unless there's brainwashing involved >_>
Hugs
Haha yes, I really would hug. I'm not that afraid. Really, I'm in much need of hugs. But I don't like to accept the ones offered. I'm just weird like that. No, well, yeah. I've got a certain mindset in regard to hugs, which I've already kinda mentioned before.
Hugging friends, I don't really hug. Just wrap my arms around, give a light squeeze, and release as soon as possible. I think I'm reserving real hugs for someone I have feelings for haha. Real hugs, as I defined them back in December, are just too personal for me. Too close.
Honestly, I'm afraid that if I hug someone for real, if I don't check myself, I won't wanna let go. Or I won't let go. I'd hug her till I was all hugged out haha. My true hugs would be strong, long, and full of warmth :P I'd like to believe so anyway haha.
I will give a real hug. Eventually. Hopefully. I mean, I suppose I gave Rose real hugs back then because I was into her. She probably was the first friend I had ever really hugged. And possibly, that whole drama stuff put me off of hugs almost for good haha (Of course, I'm being reconditioned now).
When I give a real real hug, you'll know/find out haha. You won't expect it. Don't expect it. It will be real then.
Cuddling
I miss this too haha. Such a comfortable feeling it provided. Could be accompanied by hand-holding and blankets. Ahh... Sharing and absorbing warmth. On par with hugs. With closeness and comfort. Again, would not wanna let go haha.
To have someone to lean on or to have someone to lean on me... It's nice. Or it would be.
I remember Rose used to pull my arm around her at first. I got used to it and started putting my arm around her myself :P Having someone in my arms felt wonderful. I wasn't alone. I wasn't empty. No empty space. All I think about now is the empty space around me.
Time/Space
How much time should a couple spend together? All the time? No. That's too much. But then again, how much is too much? How often is too often? I mean, I already feel like I always follow the same friends too much, too often. I feel like a tag-along and an inconvenience sometimes, even when they say I'm not. But I just like being around the same people. Feels safe.
If I were to get into a relationship, I wonder how bad I would get. I don't know if I would be clingy. And I don't want to be with someone who's too clingy either. Space is good sometimes. Just don't know. I feel like she would get sick of me D: I hope I wouldn't get tired of her either. I don't think I would. I'm easily entertained. So if she keeps me entertained, I'm good XP We could chill all day every day.
Then there's the other side of the coin, where I wouldn't be able to always be there when she needs or wants me. I have obstacles, mainly family/Mother. If I couldn't make it to her, I'd feel inadequate and unworthy haha XP I'd feel terrible.
But if conditions were ideal, time and space would bend for us to make things work out well. Really, I just wanna always be there when I'm needed or wanted. I wanna be that amazing haha.
Communication
You already know that I'm not that open about my life. Only parts of it. But not the parts that really matter to me or preoccupy my mind. Errr you get some of it but not all of it.
I imagine that whomever I'm in a relationship with would know a lot about me. Like just about everything. Every experience, every feeling I've ever had, every doubt I ever harbored, just everything. Eventually, of course. Through meaningful, honest, and comfortable conversations. No lies, not even by omission.
I'm not sure if I ever had this with Rose. Maybe a little. Or a lot for a sophomore in high school. I suppose that's why I don't tell people things anymore. Letting you in close means I risk pain and vulnerability. Even with friends.
I've noticed that all the people I had a genuine interest in were talkative :P They always had something to say. All I had to do was listen. It worked for me haha. In a relationship with me, I suppose she would have to expect a lot of silence from me >_> Or if she's just totally amazing, she'd help me learn to speak more, to fill in the conversations with words that make me feel heard and understood.
"More than Words" (a subcategory of Communication)
"I love you." I never said that to Rose, and that was our demise, I guess -shrug- I've said it once to my friends, but we weren't even in the same room and I had my back to them, leaving. I think it was at the same party during which I was dared to kiss Andrew on the cheek :P And saying it to family is irrelevant, but I don't say it to them either. Not anymore.
Why I don't say ILY to anyone, it's hard to explain. I do love my friends and family. It's just weird to say that to them. Saying it to someone I care about, much more difficult and awkward, I guess.
Why I didn't say it to Rose: I wasn't sure how I really felt yet. I was into her. I fell for her. I thought if we could make it a few more weeks where we stood, the words would be worth it then. But she wanted me to say it. Too soon. I wasn't ready. Too fast.
I didn't want to say it when she wanted me to say it. Felt like if I did, I was only doing it to please her, not because I wanted to. It's gotta be my decision, my words, my feelings. Don't push your expectations on me. I'll push back. I'll resist. You gotta let me do my thing at my pace. You can nudge and encourage, but that's it. Don't tell me what to do, unless I ask you to. And yeah, I have my expectations (who doesn't?), but I won't push them onto anyone. Who am I to push someone to do something they really don't want to do or something that they're not sure of?
Besides, "I love you" is thrown around so often. You can never be sure if it's for real. You don't know if it's meant for friendship or for amour. I want my words to be real when I say them (they usually are). In my opinion, their scarcity makes them real and true. That's just how I am. I want my words to be understood and believed every time I say them. Words are important.
Trust
Kinda ties in with communication.
A difficult find. In many ways. I wanna trust someone, but that's like taking a leap of faith. Plus, I'm not sure I trust myself enough to let others trust me as well. I mean, you can trust me when I say I would never cheat. I'd be honest about my feelings (or the lack of) for a person when I'm sure of them. I'm actually quite honest when it comes to other people. I just don't say much about me personally. But yeah, if I'm sure I like you, I'll let you know one way or another. If I don't like you, again I will let you know straight up.
Anyway, a relationship needs trust. Trust that you won't lie, you won't cheat, you won't leave. Trust that you'll be honest, you'll sincerely care, you'll stay through all the ups and downs. Trust that though you'll hurt each other, you're gonna try to make it work. Trust that you won't break each other's heart, you'll know when to give up and let go.
Sex
I have nooo experience whatsoever with this. But I hear it's a part of a healthy relationship. Asexuals would disagree, I'm sure. Though, I haven't met many, so -shrug-
I'm not sure what I could say about sex. It's not something I'm particularly looking for. I mean, if it comes with the package, then ok haha. But that's something I can wait on. No rush delivery needed XP Whatever happens happens.
I really don't have any expectations for this part of a relationship. Alone time is alone time. Not sure what I would expect. But communication is key. She would have to let me know when she's ready, if we're going too fast or too slow. Honestly, I have no preference for when. I'd wait till she made the first move.
Yeah, I know, I'm usually not the one to make the first move in anything. It's really because I don't wanna risk anything XP Risk of mixed signals, you know. Misinterpretation of signals. I don't wanna embarrass myself too much haha. I wanna know the feelings will be returned. And I like to take things a lil slow. Supposedly too slow? I dunno. More like too hesitant haha.
I know I didn't include many aspects of a relationship. I can't think of many XP
I don't know why I decided to make this entry. It's soo not me to talk about my thoughts on this subject. But I suppose I'm trying to open up? Or just putting off three hours of homework XP
But yeah, now you see how lonely a person I am :P haha but of course, you always knew that. Writing this entry makes me feel kinda desperate though >_>
Listening to all these love songs ain't helpin' me either >_< "Until the End of Time" by Justin Timberlake on repeat right now. Makes me wish I wasn't alone. Makes me feel lonelier.
I wish finding a good, strong love was easier, simpler, and faster. More obvious. Love should be accommodating haha. Nah, I don't really believe that. Should not be like "easy come, easy go." But the waiting and the wondering hurt sometimes.
Ok, I'm done feeling silly now. I can't believe I actually think about this XP Hope you had fun wasting time reading this.
CAUTION: Really long and lame entry!!
So I was talking to someone about love and relationships, not that I ever have anything important to contribute XP But it got me thinking about my expectations(?). A perfect progress(?) haha. I dunno, something. Includes: Hand-holding, kisses, hugs, cuddling, time/space, communication, trust, sex.
I can be a romantic, you know. I know I might seem aloof, cold, or awkward sometimes. But I can be really affectionate (apparently). Of course, I'm only basing this off of one short experience, my self-perception, and my preferences(?) :P
I shall be using "she" and "her" to refer to the hypothetical significant other just to make it simple and realistic :P
Holding Hands
I've only ever held hands with someone once. Well, I mean, I've held hands with many people for some reason or other. But affectionately (with obvious reciprocation), just once. That was a good day/night. I felt loved. Our fingers were intertwined, and we were walking side by side, pointing out the things we saw, ignoring the strangers' stares. What I would give to have that moment again. Not that particular moment with that particular person, but just that moment with that feeling (indescribable).
Ahh, I really miss that feeling. Had it once, been wanting it ever since haha. Yeaah, I've held hands with friends. But they're friends. Not the same feeling. No intertwining fingers. The spaces between my fingers remain empty. I'll leave the intertwining fingers for someone special :P I think that was what confirmed my feelings (and Rose's as well). Or affirmed. If she hadn't taken my hand, I probably wouldn't have asked her that night.
I think that's how it's gonna go. I don't think I'd ever be the first to take someone's hand in mine. I would wait for it, just to be safe :P Always playing it safe now.
Kisses
So far, I've only received a kiss on the cheek (no, not from those dudes -_-). I remember Rose kissed me on the cheek that one day at ST. I still remember the feeling. We were hugging goodbye. Then she kissed my cheek, smiled, and ran away. I stood there, dumbstruck and then giddy. Did she really just kiss my cheek? Or am I daydreaming again? That kiss on the cheek gave me hope. Hope that someone could actually fall in love with me. Again, I miss that feeling, no matter how evanescent it was.
Hm, I've kissed Andrew on the cheek on a dare haha (only kiss on the cheek I've ever given). I still remember that. Elora -_- I can't believe she made me do that XP SO awkward.
My first kiss on the lips has yet to come. But I'm patiently waiting ^_^ Cliche, but I want it to be perfect. I have a thing for firsts, you know. I suppose this is what stops me from pursuing anyone. I don't want to screw anything up, especially a first. My perfectionist side showing through. It's gotta be with the right person at the right moment. First kiss = the start of a strong, long-lasting relationship. Not something to do on a whim or a dare -_- Not the start of a bad relationship. But that's not something anyone can control. Unless there's brainwashing involved >_>
Hugs
Haha yes, I really would hug. I'm not that afraid. Really, I'm in much need of hugs. But I don't like to accept the ones offered. I'm just weird like that. No, well, yeah. I've got a certain mindset in regard to hugs, which I've already kinda mentioned before.
Hugging friends, I don't really hug. Just wrap my arms around, give a light squeeze, and release as soon as possible. I think I'm reserving real hugs for someone I have feelings for haha. Real hugs, as I defined them back in December, are just too personal for me. Too close.
Honestly, I'm afraid that if I hug someone for real, if I don't check myself, I won't wanna let go. Or I won't let go. I'd hug her till I was all hugged out haha. My true hugs would be strong, long, and full of warmth :P I'd like to believe so anyway haha.
I will give a real hug. Eventually. Hopefully. I mean, I suppose I gave Rose real hugs back then because I was into her. She probably was the first friend I had ever really hugged. And possibly, that whole drama stuff put me off of hugs almost for good haha (Of course, I'm being reconditioned now).
When I give a real real hug, you'll know/find out haha. You won't expect it. Don't expect it. It will be real then.
Cuddling
I miss this too haha. Such a comfortable feeling it provided. Could be accompanied by hand-holding and blankets. Ahh... Sharing and absorbing warmth. On par with hugs. With closeness and comfort. Again, would not wanna let go haha.
To have someone to lean on or to have someone to lean on me... It's nice. Or it would be.
I remember Rose used to pull my arm around her at first. I got used to it and started putting my arm around her myself :P Having someone in my arms felt wonderful. I wasn't alone. I wasn't empty. No empty space. All I think about now is the empty space around me.
Time/Space
How much time should a couple spend together? All the time? No. That's too much. But then again, how much is too much? How often is too often? I mean, I already feel like I always follow the same friends too much, too often. I feel like a tag-along and an inconvenience sometimes, even when they say I'm not. But I just like being around the same people. Feels safe.
If I were to get into a relationship, I wonder how bad I would get. I don't know if I would be clingy. And I don't want to be with someone who's too clingy either. Space is good sometimes. Just don't know. I feel like she would get sick of me D: I hope I wouldn't get tired of her either. I don't think I would. I'm easily entertained. So if she keeps me entertained, I'm good XP We could chill all day every day.
Then there's the other side of the coin, where I wouldn't be able to always be there when she needs or wants me. I have obstacles, mainly family/Mother. If I couldn't make it to her, I'd feel inadequate and unworthy haha XP I'd feel terrible.
But if conditions were ideal, time and space would bend for us to make things work out well. Really, I just wanna always be there when I'm needed or wanted. I wanna be that amazing haha.
Communication
You already know that I'm not that open about my life. Only parts of it. But not the parts that really matter to me or preoccupy my mind. Errr you get some of it but not all of it.
I imagine that whomever I'm in a relationship with would know a lot about me. Like just about everything. Every experience, every feeling I've ever had, every doubt I ever harbored, just everything. Eventually, of course. Through meaningful, honest, and comfortable conversations. No lies, not even by omission.
I'm not sure if I ever had this with Rose. Maybe a little. Or a lot for a sophomore in high school. I suppose that's why I don't tell people things anymore. Letting you in close means I risk pain and vulnerability. Even with friends.
I've noticed that all the people I had a genuine interest in were talkative :P They always had something to say. All I had to do was listen. It worked for me haha. In a relationship with me, I suppose she would have to expect a lot of silence from me >_> Or if she's just totally amazing, she'd help me learn to speak more, to fill in the conversations with words that make me feel heard and understood.
"More than Words" (a subcategory of Communication)
"I love you." I never said that to Rose, and that was our demise, I guess -shrug- I've said it once to my friends, but we weren't even in the same room and I had my back to them, leaving. I think it was at the same party during which I was dared to kiss Andrew on the cheek :P And saying it to family is irrelevant, but I don't say it to them either. Not anymore.
Why I don't say ILY to anyone, it's hard to explain. I do love my friends and family. It's just weird to say that to them. Saying it to someone I care about, much more difficult and awkward, I guess.
Why I didn't say it to Rose: I wasn't sure how I really felt yet. I was into her. I fell for her. I thought if we could make it a few more weeks where we stood, the words would be worth it then. But she wanted me to say it. Too soon. I wasn't ready. Too fast.
I didn't want to say it when she wanted me to say it. Felt like if I did, I was only doing it to please her, not because I wanted to. It's gotta be my decision, my words, my feelings. Don't push your expectations on me. I'll push back. I'll resist. You gotta let me do my thing at my pace. You can nudge and encourage, but that's it. Don't tell me what to do, unless I ask you to. And yeah, I have my expectations (who doesn't?), but I won't push them onto anyone. Who am I to push someone to do something they really don't want to do or something that they're not sure of?
Besides, "I love you" is thrown around so often. You can never be sure if it's for real. You don't know if it's meant for friendship or for amour. I want my words to be real when I say them (they usually are). In my opinion, their scarcity makes them real and true. That's just how I am. I want my words to be understood and believed every time I say them. Words are important.
Trust
Kinda ties in with communication.
A difficult find. In many ways. I wanna trust someone, but that's like taking a leap of faith. Plus, I'm not sure I trust myself enough to let others trust me as well. I mean, you can trust me when I say I would never cheat. I'd be honest about my feelings (or the lack of) for a person when I'm sure of them. I'm actually quite honest when it comes to other people. I just don't say much about me personally. But yeah, if I'm sure I like you, I'll let you know one way or another. If I don't like you, again I will let you know straight up.
Anyway, a relationship needs trust. Trust that you won't lie, you won't cheat, you won't leave. Trust that you'll be honest, you'll sincerely care, you'll stay through all the ups and downs. Trust that though you'll hurt each other, you're gonna try to make it work. Trust that you won't break each other's heart, you'll know when to give up and let go.
Sex
I have nooo experience whatsoever with this. But I hear it's a part of a healthy relationship. Asexuals would disagree, I'm sure. Though, I haven't met many, so -shrug-
I'm not sure what I could say about sex. It's not something I'm particularly looking for. I mean, if it comes with the package, then ok haha. But that's something I can wait on. No rush delivery needed XP Whatever happens happens.
I really don't have any expectations for this part of a relationship. Alone time is alone time. Not sure what I would expect. But communication is key. She would have to let me know when she's ready, if we're going too fast or too slow. Honestly, I have no preference for when. I'd wait till she made the first move.
Yeah, I know, I'm usually not the one to make the first move in anything. It's really because I don't wanna risk anything XP Risk of mixed signals, you know. Misinterpretation of signals. I don't wanna embarrass myself too much haha. I wanna know the feelings will be returned. And I like to take things a lil slow. Supposedly too slow? I dunno. More like too hesitant haha.
I know I didn't include many aspects of a relationship. I can't think of many XP
I don't know why I decided to make this entry. It's soo not me to talk about my thoughts on this subject. But I suppose I'm trying to open up? Or just putting off three hours of homework XP
But yeah, now you see how lonely a person I am :P haha but of course, you always knew that. Writing this entry makes me feel kinda desperate though >_>
Listening to all these love songs ain't helpin' me either >_< "Until the End of Time" by Justin Timberlake on repeat right now. Makes me wish I wasn't alone. Makes me feel lonelier.
I wish finding a good, strong love was easier, simpler, and faster. More obvious. Love should be accommodating haha. Nah, I don't really believe that. Should not be like "easy come, easy go." But the waiting and the wondering hurt sometimes.
Ok, I'm done feeling silly now. I can't believe I actually think about this XP Hope you had fun wasting time reading this.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
What a Workout!
My knee hurts, my back aches, and the bottoms of my feet sting T-T But it was worth it.
Around 13h00, I picked up Harrison and then Cristina D. They had met before today through Key Club. Interesting. I drove us downtown to Autumn's house. Then off to Alum Rock Park. Parked on McKee Road because I could remember the name. Then we walked for like the next three hours.
Up one trail past sheep to two benches. Down the same trail. Up another less steep, more curvy one, which ended back at the entrance we started at.
I was already tired after the first ten minutes XP but I kept going haha. We had a nice view of the city from the benches. It would be so awesome to camp there. You would able to see all the lights in the city, probably not many stars. But still a nice view. Could almost be romantic haha.
And O-M-G, our conversations -shakes head- I don't know why, but like I said in previous entries, many of the conversations I've been having with people have revolved around sex :O With details haha. I kept silent most of the time ^_^; but I did contribute a few words here and there haha.
Talks of sexual encounters and whatnot. I'm just like O_O Though, Autumn mentioned how Brian and I used to talk about sex all the time haha. Yeah, I talk, but I really haven't done anything >_> It's just talk without experience. Now, you guys are talking about experiences and stuff. I felt slightly awkward, even though I kept listening haha.
"Once you go black, you never go back." haha Well, actually, this was declared later on at Autumn's house, but yeah XP After having sex with a black guy, apparently you can never be satisfied by anyone other than a black guy ever again haha.
Anyway, the long hike left me sore. My knee was killing me. So we walked back to my car. When we reached McKee, I reached into my pocket for my keys. And they weren't there! D: I searched all my pockets. I was frantic. Only thing I could say was "Fuck!" Cristina tried to calm me down a lil. If I panic, I won't find my keys. I was freaking out. Mother would so kill me if I lost the keys to the Avalon AND the Nissan (they're attached to the same keychain). Autumn suggested that I might have dropped it in the car. If so, we could just call a locksmith. So we went to my car, looked in the window, and saw no keys.
On a whim, though I was sure I had pressed the lock button when I got out of the car, I decided to try the doorhandle just in case I didn't lock it. And it fuckin' opened! I was dumbstruck for a moment. Then I realized the car unlocks all locks when you try to lock all doors with the key still in the ignition. So I looked at the starter, and there they were! My keys! :O Damn, I was fuckin' relieved haha. Fuuck, I've never forgotten my keys in the ignition before D: That was the first time and hopefully the last. Scared me half to death T-T
Man, I'm so glad that it was a nice and safe neighborhood. If I had parked my car in some ghetto ass place, my car would have been long gone. Ahh, geez -_- My memory is dying slowly.
After that, I drove us back to Autumn's house. Got some water to drink and some apples to eat. Juicy Fuji apples, mmmm... haha. They were really good. Also pork buns, corn bread, and tamales.
Around 17h30, we decided we wanted to go look at the Monopoly board on San Carlos. So we walked for twenty or so minutes. Went in the Fairmont first and the left. Got to the board. Were disappointed by the size of the board. Took our time pointing out all the sexual innuendo we could find on the board game. I refused a group hug, heh, sorry. Then we walked back to Autumn's house. Mother called during the walk back to yell at me for being out all day -__-
Six hours is only a quarter of a day >_>
Anyway, more innuendo-filled conversation on the walk to and from the board game.
I drove Cristina and Harrison home. Now, I'm home, and Mother decided not to yell at me because I said my friends and I hadn't eaten all day.
You know, I don't know what it is. Maybe we're just all good friends. Or maybe they really are just open about stuff. But damn, there was a lot of talk about sex today haha. Ah, and though it would be a funny thought, Autumn, Cristina, Harrison, and I did not talk about sex the whole time XP Most of the time, maybe. But not the whole time. We talked a lil bit about music and racial/physical preferences >_>
What I mean is who we're attracted to. Yeaah. I dunno if I should mention what everyone had said because I'm not sure if everyone would want me to say much :P Even though, they're pretty open about everything. Obviously. Hm. Well, we know Autumn has only dated Grant, so yeaah. Go black, haha. Cristina prefers black guys over all others. Not lesbian, but she thinks some women are fiiine haha (even I don't scope people out for real). She may be a 5 on the Kinsey scale, like how Harrison rates himself (though, I think they meant to say 1 not 5 haha). Harrison prefers Asian girls and short hair, yeah. Though, he wouldn't let his preferences stop him. Cristina and I pretty much agreed that we've never really found ourselves attracted to Indians (the Asian ones, not Native Americans) before. Just never clicked with any.
And yes, although I contributed to the Indian comment, I did not actually talk about my preferences XP Though, I'm sure I've mentioned them in this blog at some point... Or not. Not actual physical preferences. Just ideal girlfriend qualities or something like that haha. Still not much to inform you of what I want, but eh -shrug- you don't need to know, do you?
And you know, I actually haven't mentioned love or the lack of it all that much in this blog (compared to my old LJ). Oh, I'm so proud of myself XD
I'm still obsessing, I s'pose, but not like I used to haha. Good. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself. Hm. Anyway, I just read my obsession-tagged entries from March 2009 (because I was looking for the linked post). Wow. Such a downer. Actually. Still a downer. Still thinking the same way.
"Who could love such an inconsistent person? So inadequate. So afraid. So boring. So lost." I still feel this way -sigh- but eh whatever. Oh, forgive the slight ADD-ness of the entry. I never seem to be able to focus on just one thing.
I've kinda been talking to people lately. But I feel like everything I've been saying is nothing. Don't know how to explain it. Don't know what I'm trying to say, I s'pose. Ahhh, I just want release. Release of what? I do not know. Or maybe I just don't want to acknowledge what I know. Blehh, I'm not making sense, am I? -_- I just need sleep. And to stick to resolutions, yeah. Focus focus focus. On things. More important things -nods-
Man, it's 48 degress outside right now. Just went out to cover the car. Painful. Should have worn a jacket. But it was only for a few minutes haha.
Ok, going to bed early again. So tiiired x_x and in pain haha. I need a massage. But I'll just settle for a hug from my stuffed dog in my sleep haha... ^_^
Bonne nuit, mes amis.
Around 13h00, I picked up Harrison and then Cristina D. They had met before today through Key Club. Interesting. I drove us downtown to Autumn's house. Then off to Alum Rock Park. Parked on McKee Road because I could remember the name. Then we walked for like the next three hours.
Up one trail past sheep to two benches. Down the same trail. Up another less steep, more curvy one, which ended back at the entrance we started at.
I was already tired after the first ten minutes XP but I kept going haha. We had a nice view of the city from the benches. It would be so awesome to camp there. You would able to see all the lights in the city, probably not many stars. But still a nice view. Could almost be romantic haha.
And O-M-G, our conversations -shakes head- I don't know why, but like I said in previous entries, many of the conversations I've been having with people have revolved around sex :O With details haha. I kept silent most of the time ^_^; but I did contribute a few words here and there haha.
Talks of sexual encounters and whatnot. I'm just like O_O Though, Autumn mentioned how Brian and I used to talk about sex all the time haha. Yeah, I talk, but I really haven't done anything >_> It's just talk without experience. Now, you guys are talking about experiences and stuff. I felt slightly awkward, even though I kept listening haha.
"Once you go black, you never go back." haha Well, actually, this was declared later on at Autumn's house, but yeah XP After having sex with a black guy, apparently you can never be satisfied by anyone other than a black guy ever again haha.
Anyway, the long hike left me sore. My knee was killing me. So we walked back to my car. When we reached McKee, I reached into my pocket for my keys. And they weren't there! D: I searched all my pockets. I was frantic. Only thing I could say was "Fuck!" Cristina tried to calm me down a lil. If I panic, I won't find my keys. I was freaking out. Mother would so kill me if I lost the keys to the Avalon AND the Nissan (they're attached to the same keychain). Autumn suggested that I might have dropped it in the car. If so, we could just call a locksmith. So we went to my car, looked in the window, and saw no keys.
On a whim, though I was sure I had pressed the lock button when I got out of the car, I decided to try the doorhandle just in case I didn't lock it. And it fuckin' opened! I was dumbstruck for a moment. Then I realized the car unlocks all locks when you try to lock all doors with the key still in the ignition. So I looked at the starter, and there they were! My keys! :O Damn, I was fuckin' relieved haha. Fuuck, I've never forgotten my keys in the ignition before D: That was the first time and hopefully the last. Scared me half to death T-T
Man, I'm so glad that it was a nice and safe neighborhood. If I had parked my car in some ghetto ass place, my car would have been long gone. Ahh, geez -_- My memory is dying slowly.
After that, I drove us back to Autumn's house. Got some water to drink and some apples to eat. Juicy Fuji apples, mmmm... haha. They were really good. Also pork buns, corn bread, and tamales.
Around 17h30, we decided we wanted to go look at the Monopoly board on San Carlos. So we walked for twenty or so minutes. Went in the Fairmont first and the left. Got to the board. Were disappointed by the size of the board. Took our time pointing out all the sexual innuendo we could find on the board game. I refused a group hug, heh, sorry. Then we walked back to Autumn's house. Mother called during the walk back to yell at me for being out all day -__-
Six hours is only a quarter of a day >_>
Anyway, more innuendo-filled conversation on the walk to and from the board game.
I drove Cristina and Harrison home. Now, I'm home, and Mother decided not to yell at me because I said my friends and I hadn't eaten all day.
You know, I don't know what it is. Maybe we're just all good friends. Or maybe they really are just open about stuff. But damn, there was a lot of talk about sex today haha. Ah, and though it would be a funny thought, Autumn, Cristina, Harrison, and I did not talk about sex the whole time XP Most of the time, maybe. But not the whole time. We talked a lil bit about music and racial/physical preferences >_>
What I mean is who we're attracted to. Yeaah. I dunno if I should mention what everyone had said because I'm not sure if everyone would want me to say much :P Even though, they're pretty open about everything. Obviously. Hm. Well, we know Autumn has only dated Grant, so yeaah. Go black, haha. Cristina prefers black guys over all others. Not lesbian, but she thinks some women are fiiine haha (even I don't scope people out for real). She may be a 5 on the Kinsey scale, like how Harrison rates himself (though, I think they meant to say 1 not 5 haha). Harrison prefers Asian girls and short hair, yeah. Though, he wouldn't let his preferences stop him. Cristina and I pretty much agreed that we've never really found ourselves attracted to Indians (the Asian ones, not Native Americans) before. Just never clicked with any.
And yes, although I contributed to the Indian comment, I did not actually talk about my preferences XP Though, I'm sure I've mentioned them in this blog at some point... Or not. Not actual physical preferences. Just ideal girlfriend qualities or something like that haha. Still not much to inform you of what I want, but eh -shrug- you don't need to know, do you?
And you know, I actually haven't mentioned love or the lack of it all that much in this blog (compared to my old LJ). Oh, I'm so proud of myself XD
I'm still obsessing, I s'pose, but not like I used to haha. Good. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself. Hm. Anyway, I just read my obsession-tagged entries from March 2009 (because I was looking for the linked post). Wow. Such a downer. Actually. Still a downer. Still thinking the same way.
"Who could love such an inconsistent person? So inadequate. So afraid. So boring. So lost." I still feel this way -sigh- but eh whatever. Oh, forgive the slight ADD-ness of the entry. I never seem to be able to focus on just one thing.
I've kinda been talking to people lately. But I feel like everything I've been saying is nothing. Don't know how to explain it. Don't know what I'm trying to say, I s'pose. Ahhh, I just want release. Release of what? I do not know. Or maybe I just don't want to acknowledge what I know. Blehh, I'm not making sense, am I? -_- I just need sleep. And to stick to resolutions, yeah. Focus focus focus. On things. More important things -nods-
Man, it's 48 degress outside right now. Just went out to cover the car. Painful. Should have worn a jacket. But it was only for a few minutes haha.
Ok, going to bed early again. So tiiired x_x and in pain haha. I need a massage. But I'll just settle for a hug from my stuffed dog in my sleep haha... ^_^
Bonne nuit, mes amis.
Monday, December 14, 2009
I was left behind...
in a dream this afternoon :(
Driving, I was following Kat, Alex D, Jeisun, Ariane, Maggie, and a few other people to an airport. They were all wearing summer clothes and carrying luggage. I was wearing sweats and holding my hockey stick. When we were at the airport, I didn't know why we were there or why I followed them. Then it hit me. I asked them if they were going to Expo 2010. They said yes. "But it's May. Isn't it supposed to be in July?" "Yes, usually it is, but this year they changed it. They had planned to push it back to September, but people wanted it to happen earlier." D: I was devastated because I didn't know. Someone asked, "Sorry, we forgot to invite you. Do you still wanna go with us?" I thought about it. Of course I wanted to go. There were people in SoCal that I wanted to visit (Faces actually appeared in my dream mind, and those people really do live in SoCal). But we were an hour away from my house. No time to get a plane ticket, pack, and get on the plane. So I said, "It's too late.. You guys have fun." I looked at my hockey stick, swung it a little, and then walked back to my car, feeling sad that I couldn't go.
This was one of those rare dreams, in which I felt like I could think. When I woke up, I almost cried. It felt so real. But I quickly realized that it's still December. Mm...
Anyway, today, I took my AAS final at 0715. 20 mulitple choice with a bonus for spelling "Afghanistan" correctly and four (out of six) short essay questions. I think I only got two of the four essays right :/ I finished around 0845. Headed over to Shiva's to print out my Philosophy one-page final paper (Last night, my ink had dried out on the last two lines of the paper -_-). Got my paper, thanked Shiva, wished luck on finals, and left. Turned in my paper at the Philosophy Center/Office/whatever it's called.
Then I spent more than two and a half hours sitting at a bench. Thinking. Or actually, not thinking. What a change. I didn't think much about anything today. Must have been because of the two hours of restless sleep I got this morning. Went to bed around 0100 after I finished my paper. Couldn't fall asleep until 0300. Woke up at 0445. Light rail at 0600 in the morning, very empty. I like it. I might go that early again tomorrow. Though, if I wanna ride the light rail with Lisa, I should probably leave later. Eh -shrug-
Anyway, though I spent most of my time on the bench not thinking and just watching a guy clear out the leaves on the walkways for two hours, the very little thinking I did was interesting, I s'pose. I thought about how little I thought haha. I didn't know what to think about. Oh, there were a lot of little kids on campus today. Field trips. First graders. So many lil kids, scary -_-
My mind was/is really blank today. I can't recall much of anything that I did think about. I can't even remember what Lisa and I were talking about when she drove me home ):
Mm, unimportant stuff: I downgraded my AIM from 7.1 to 6.9. I gave AIM 7 a chance for a few weeks, but it just doesn't appeal to me. Though AIM 6.9 isn't all that great either, it's a lil better than 7. Well, I'm just saying that because I got used to it for several months. 7 just had too many changes. Too much. Mm, with AIM 6, I can use the Music Link plugin again too. It's been a long time since I've used that. A few people used it yesterday, and it brought back memories :) So yeah, I think I'll just use that as my AIM statuses from now on or something. I'll learn to not be compulsive about changing statuses so often. I need to obsess about it less haha.
I still can't get over how dead AIM is now. For me anyway. I talk to like six people. And I don't really have regular conversation with any of them. Mm. The other 29 people on the list are usually not online or always away. They have lives haha. I need to find a life (I feel like I've said this before). I should just forget AIM, but I have those letting-go issues XP and sometimes, someone wants to talk to me. I guess I just want people to want to talk to me more, but I'm not really doing anything about it. Really, I just don't know what to say :P I just want people to talk, so I have someone to listen to.
I just want to listen.
-sigh- I'm still tired, even though I took like a four-hour nap, during which I had the dream. I might actually go to bed early tonight. Hope for a good dream, for restful sleep. Though, I haven't had restful sleep for a long while now. Blahh...
My dreams lately, whatever I can remember, have been weird. They feel related, but I don't know how they relate. They just feel like it. I dunno what I'm trying to say now. My head is really heavy and just... not good. Egh, I'm not good with words right now. It makes me worried about my Philosophy paper XP
Ok, one more final tomorrow morning. I might sit at a bench again. I don't know yet. I'll probably finish the Physics final in half an hour. I seriously don't think it will take me too long. Maybe I'll just wait for Lisa. Maybe I'll just walk around. I don't know. I don't wanna go home early. Though, I should just so I can sleep. Meh. Mm, most likely will visit ST on Wednesday with Lisa, Albert, and Robert. Might be Mole Day. Well, at least for Vokt's class. Don't know about Worden's.
I need to think about next semester. Going home after dark for the first two months of the semester. Not sure the bike thing will go well at all with Mother. Maybe in the second half, after Daylight Savings Time starts. Mm, long school days. Should try to fill in my days with eventful or productive things. Might not be seeing or hanging out with the same people I had this semester :( That thought saddens me. Seriously.
akjdljfadljkjf My head is just blaahhh right now. The thinking's coming back. Must mean I'm lucid again. You know, now that I'm thinking, I realize I don't need to bring my backpack tomorrow. Just a pencil and a scantron. But ah, I'll bring my backpack anyway. I'm lame like that haha. Hm, I hope I can focus on some reading tomorrow. I still haven't finished Forever Odd. Want to start Brother Odd soon. Want to find the fourth installment in the series. Then maybe find Koontz's new Breathless. I saw it in Barnes & Nobles on Friday. Also, Shiva told me I should read Brave New World. Hm, I've heard about the novel. I'm kinda surprised none of my high school teachers had it as required reading. Every other student I know seems to have read it.
Eh, I don't know if there's anything I want to say, but I don't want to end this entry :/ Must be something more... I guess not.
Driving, I was following Kat, Alex D, Jeisun, Ariane, Maggie, and a few other people to an airport. They were all wearing summer clothes and carrying luggage. I was wearing sweats and holding my hockey stick. When we were at the airport, I didn't know why we were there or why I followed them. Then it hit me. I asked them if they were going to Expo 2010. They said yes. "But it's May. Isn't it supposed to be in July?" "Yes, usually it is, but this year they changed it. They had planned to push it back to September, but people wanted it to happen earlier." D: I was devastated because I didn't know. Someone asked, "Sorry, we forgot to invite you. Do you still wanna go with us?" I thought about it. Of course I wanted to go. There were people in SoCal that I wanted to visit (Faces actually appeared in my dream mind, and those people really do live in SoCal). But we were an hour away from my house. No time to get a plane ticket, pack, and get on the plane. So I said, "It's too late.. You guys have fun." I looked at my hockey stick, swung it a little, and then walked back to my car, feeling sad that I couldn't go.
This was one of those rare dreams, in which I felt like I could think. When I woke up, I almost cried. It felt so real. But I quickly realized that it's still December. Mm...
Anyway, today, I took my AAS final at 0715. 20 mulitple choice with a bonus for spelling "Afghanistan" correctly and four (out of six) short essay questions. I think I only got two of the four essays right :/ I finished around 0845. Headed over to Shiva's to print out my Philosophy one-page final paper (Last night, my ink had dried out on the last two lines of the paper -_-). Got my paper, thanked Shiva, wished luck on finals, and left. Turned in my paper at the Philosophy Center/Office/whatever it's called.
Then I spent more than two and a half hours sitting at a bench. Thinking. Or actually, not thinking. What a change. I didn't think much about anything today. Must have been because of the two hours of restless sleep I got this morning. Went to bed around 0100 after I finished my paper. Couldn't fall asleep until 0300. Woke up at 0445. Light rail at 0600 in the morning, very empty. I like it. I might go that early again tomorrow. Though, if I wanna ride the light rail with Lisa, I should probably leave later. Eh -shrug-
Anyway, though I spent most of my time on the bench not thinking and just watching a guy clear out the leaves on the walkways for two hours, the very little thinking I did was interesting, I s'pose. I thought about how little I thought haha. I didn't know what to think about. Oh, there were a lot of little kids on campus today. Field trips. First graders. So many lil kids, scary -_-
My mind was/is really blank today. I can't recall much of anything that I did think about. I can't even remember what Lisa and I were talking about when she drove me home ):
Mm, unimportant stuff: I downgraded my AIM from 7.1 to 6.9. I gave AIM 7 a chance for a few weeks, but it just doesn't appeal to me. Though AIM 6.9 isn't all that great either, it's a lil better than 7. Well, I'm just saying that because I got used to it for several months. 7 just had too many changes. Too much. Mm, with AIM 6, I can use the Music Link plugin again too. It's been a long time since I've used that. A few people used it yesterday, and it brought back memories :) So yeah, I think I'll just use that as my AIM statuses from now on or something. I'll learn to not be compulsive about changing statuses so often. I need to obsess about it less haha.
I still can't get over how dead AIM is now. For me anyway. I talk to like six people. And I don't really have regular conversation with any of them. Mm. The other 29 people on the list are usually not online or always away. They have lives haha. I need to find a life (I feel like I've said this before). I should just forget AIM, but I have those letting-go issues XP and sometimes, someone wants to talk to me. I guess I just want people to want to talk to me more, but I'm not really doing anything about it. Really, I just don't know what to say :P I just want people to talk, so I have someone to listen to.
I just want to listen.
-sigh- I'm still tired, even though I took like a four-hour nap, during which I had the dream. I might actually go to bed early tonight. Hope for a good dream, for restful sleep. Though, I haven't had restful sleep for a long while now. Blahh...
My dreams lately, whatever I can remember, have been weird. They feel related, but I don't know how they relate. They just feel like it. I dunno what I'm trying to say now. My head is really heavy and just... not good. Egh, I'm not good with words right now. It makes me worried about my Philosophy paper XP
Ok, one more final tomorrow morning. I might sit at a bench again. I don't know yet. I'll probably finish the Physics final in half an hour. I seriously don't think it will take me too long. Maybe I'll just wait for Lisa. Maybe I'll just walk around. I don't know. I don't wanna go home early. Though, I should just so I can sleep. Meh. Mm, most likely will visit ST on Wednesday with Lisa, Albert, and Robert. Might be Mole Day. Well, at least for Vokt's class. Don't know about Worden's.
I need to think about next semester. Going home after dark for the first two months of the semester. Not sure the bike thing will go well at all with Mother. Maybe in the second half, after Daylight Savings Time starts. Mm, long school days. Should try to fill in my days with eventful or productive things. Might not be seeing or hanging out with the same people I had this semester :( That thought saddens me. Seriously.
akjdljfadljkjf My head is just blaahhh right now. The thinking's coming back. Must mean I'm lucid again. You know, now that I'm thinking, I realize I don't need to bring my backpack tomorrow. Just a pencil and a scantron. But ah, I'll bring my backpack anyway. I'm lame like that haha. Hm, I hope I can focus on some reading tomorrow. I still haven't finished Forever Odd. Want to start Brother Odd soon. Want to find the fourth installment in the series. Then maybe find Koontz's new Breathless. I saw it in Barnes & Nobles on Friday. Also, Shiva told me I should read Brave New World. Hm, I've heard about the novel. I'm kinda surprised none of my high school teachers had it as required reading. Every other student I know seems to have read it.
Eh, I don't know if there's anything I want to say, but I don't want to end this entry :/ Must be something more... I guess not.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Confiding dreams?
For a long time, I've had a recurring dream, which became a recurring daydream. I don't have the dream as often as before, but it still comes to me from time to time. It's more of a daydream now though. I just don't know if it's a good or bad one.
I have a friend to whom I tell everything. Everything. Every action, every emotion, every detail. Everything. I can never see this friend's face. It's always blurred, like in the cop shows. Sometimes, I remember what I say in the dream. Sometimes, I just have the dream feeling that I said a lot or too much. Sometimes, the friend stays. Other times, the friend leaves :/
In my daydream, the friend has no face either. I don't know whose face I could use. I say a lot of things that no one knows. Sometimes, stuff that even I didn't know I knew.
The idea intrigues me, scares me, worries me. Only in my world would I divulge such thoughts. Only there would the words flow so easily. Only there...
I never finish my daydream. I don't know why.
Anyway, I feel like I've been prepping myself for disappointment. Disappointment in what, I do not know. But disappointment nonetheless. I've been continually disappointed. By what? Again, I do not know. But I just have that feeling.. It's like I'm expecting too much, and I know I won't get what I expect. Yet, I'm still expecting it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not explaining it completely; I don't really know how I could. It's just a feeling.
This morning, I woke up at 0630 as usual, but I didn't get up. I laid there for almost six hours, just thinking. I wish I would stop thinking. But I don't know how to make it stop. Or I feel like I know how, but I just can't do it. I'm not letting myself not think. It's like I want to feel this way.
Makes me think of the lyric: "Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity." Mm...
I miss apathy. I don't know how to go back to apathy. It was good then. I don't know how it is now.
Ooh, I'm pretty much caught up with "House" (except this week's ep) and "Heroes" (: Distractions. Not really good ones, but good enough. I need better distractions. Whatever happened to people confiding in me? Those were good distractions. I had focus then. I'm glad a few people still talk to me about important things, personal things. I just wish more people would; more distractions from myself.
Too much alone time now. Leaves too much time for me to contemplate.
Ahhh ok. No more, no more. No more of this. Happy happy happy. Or at least happier. I don't wanna bring you down. Though, I probably did. Sorry. Just letting out some of the thinking. Not much, but enough -nods-
Two more days of class. Then two days of finals. Then done! Can't wait... Maybe things will be better then. Maybe. Hmm...
I have a friend to whom I tell everything. Everything. Every action, every emotion, every detail. Everything. I can never see this friend's face. It's always blurred, like in the cop shows. Sometimes, I remember what I say in the dream. Sometimes, I just have the dream feeling that I said a lot or too much. Sometimes, the friend stays. Other times, the friend leaves :/
In my daydream, the friend has no face either. I don't know whose face I could use. I say a lot of things that no one knows. Sometimes, stuff that even I didn't know I knew.
The idea intrigues me, scares me, worries me. Only in my world would I divulge such thoughts. Only there would the words flow so easily. Only there...
I never finish my daydream. I don't know why.
Anyway, I feel like I've been prepping myself for disappointment. Disappointment in what, I do not know. But disappointment nonetheless. I've been continually disappointed. By what? Again, I do not know. But I just have that feeling.. It's like I'm expecting too much, and I know I won't get what I expect. Yet, I'm still expecting it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not explaining it completely; I don't really know how I could. It's just a feeling.
This morning, I woke up at 0630 as usual, but I didn't get up. I laid there for almost six hours, just thinking. I wish I would stop thinking. But I don't know how to make it stop. Or I feel like I know how, but I just can't do it. I'm not letting myself not think. It's like I want to feel this way.
Makes me think of the lyric: "Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity." Mm...
I miss apathy. I don't know how to go back to apathy. It was good then. I don't know how it is now.
Ooh, I'm pretty much caught up with "House" (except this week's ep) and "Heroes" (: Distractions. Not really good ones, but good enough. I need better distractions. Whatever happened to people confiding in me? Those were good distractions. I had focus then. I'm glad a few people still talk to me about important things, personal things. I just wish more people would; more distractions from myself.
Too much alone time now. Leaves too much time for me to contemplate.
Ahhh ok. No more, no more. No more of this. Happy happy happy. Or at least happier. I don't wanna bring you down. Though, I probably did. Sorry. Just letting out some of the thinking. Not much, but enough -nods-
Two more days of class. Then two days of finals. Then done! Can't wait... Maybe things will be better then. Maybe. Hmm...
Friday, December 4, 2009
"(500) Days of Summer"
Today was all right. A lot of thinking. Too much focus on stupid things -__- Couldn't distract myself from the thoughts, the feelings.. Fuckin gahh.. I suck >_<
9.XII.09 Edit: OMG!! Blogger messed up this entry D: There's a whole section missing right here -__- I don't remember everything I said. I started talking about the movie from the entry title, saying I could kinda relate, just a lil...
I've never been in love >_> but really strong like is close enough. You just get attached to someone, and they disappoint you in some way. Feels like you'll never recover. You don't know how to deal. You just don't know.
This movie makes me afraid to fall in love (if it will ever happen) XP It kinda just reinforced everything I've ever thought about love and relationships. Mm.. The ending was somewhat mood-lifting, yet not. I don't know. We should move on, but life isn't so simple, so quick, so ideal.
I feel like it's something I should fight. Don't succumb. Ever. No try, no fail, yeah? It's worked for me so far, I guess. How many missed opportunities? I've no idea. I don't (want to) care to think about them. Mm, maybe I haven't really tried. No, I haven't. I don't know if it's worth it, if I'm worth it. I don't seem to be. Not once. The Friend Zone is my comfort zone XP
^I don't know if you got much of that. That's ok. I didn't intend for you to do so anyway.
I have way more to say about this topic, but that's all you're getting XP
I didn't realize until today how difficult it is for me to really talk to anyone now. I told Shiva about the sophomore year thing. But I chopped up and shortened the story. Like whoa. If you remember the whole story, you'd be like "Wtf? What happened to this part of the story?? You always give so much detail!" Eh, I gave her the gist of the story haha. I haven't really told anyone the story in person, except Amy. But even she didn't get everything. Just the gist and some detail.
I really need to work on the talking-to-people-in-person part of my life. I thought I could talk about the past and be ok, but I can't. If I can't talk about the past like I thought I could, I can't talk about anything that's really important to me. I'll work on it, I promise. So many things I need to work on. It's just silence and blogging are so much easier. I don't know why XP
Just in case you're wondering, the sophomore thing was not my main preoccupation today. It was just one of many thoughts passing through my brain.
Ah, my shoulder hurts T-T Been sitting all day. I didn't lie down. Again. I need to remember to not stand or sit for so long. Ahhh. I nearly swerved the Avalon out of my lane because I got distracted by my shoulder haha. Whew, glad I'm still alive >_>
Grr. Why must pain be inevitable? Inevitable pain, teh.. I want to get away from it. If I stay away, I can't be hurt. Who deals with this kind of pain and comes back for more? Ah, courageous people. Or people who just don't pay attention to the pain. I'm too afraid. I'm always afraid. No wonder nothing good ever happens. Why's it gotta be like this? 'Cause I gotta let it be like this. Ah, always my fault. Always my fault. Too much, too fast, too hard. Too easy. In some way, it always is.
Haha I love how I don't make sense. I probably won't even understand half of this entry the next time I read it. It's how it usually goes.
Anyway, free weekend. Don't know what I'm doing. Maybe read, watch shows, movies. Probably not sleep. Haven't slept well in months >_> Wow, I've lied about my sleep a lot. Just realized I've been telling people that I sleep really well. Used to not be a lie. Must adjust. Ooh, yay, I get to cross an item off of my movie list :)
9.XII.09 Edit: OMG!! Blogger messed up this entry D: There's a whole section missing right here -__- I don't remember everything I said. I started talking about the movie from the entry title, saying I could kinda relate, just a lil...
I've never been in love >_> but really strong like is close enough. You just get attached to someone, and they disappoint you in some way. Feels like you'll never recover. You don't know how to deal. You just don't know.
This movie makes me afraid to fall in love (if it will ever happen) XP It kinda just reinforced everything I've ever thought about love and relationships. Mm.. The ending was somewhat mood-lifting, yet not. I don't know. We should move on, but life isn't so simple, so quick, so ideal.
I feel like it's something I should fight. Don't succumb. Ever. No try, no fail, yeah? It's worked for me so far, I guess. How many missed opportunities? I've no idea. I don't (want to) care to think about them. Mm, maybe I haven't really tried. No, I haven't. I don't know if it's worth it, if I'm worth it. I don't seem to be. Not once. The Friend Zone is my comfort zone XP
^I don't know if you got much of that. That's ok. I didn't intend for you to do so anyway.
I have way more to say about this topic, but that's all you're getting XP
I didn't realize until today how difficult it is for me to really talk to anyone now. I told Shiva about the sophomore year thing. But I chopped up and shortened the story. Like whoa. If you remember the whole story, you'd be like "Wtf? What happened to this part of the story?? You always give so much detail!" Eh, I gave her the gist of the story haha. I haven't really told anyone the story in person, except Amy. But even she didn't get everything. Just the gist and some detail.
I really need to work on the talking-to-people-in-person part of my life. I thought I could talk about the past and be ok, but I can't. If I can't talk about the past like I thought I could, I can't talk about anything that's really important to me. I'll work on it, I promise. So many things I need to work on. It's just silence and blogging are so much easier. I don't know why XP
Just in case you're wondering, the sophomore thing was not my main preoccupation today. It was just one of many thoughts passing through my brain.
Ah, my shoulder hurts T-T Been sitting all day. I didn't lie down. Again. I need to remember to not stand or sit for so long. Ahhh. I nearly swerved the Avalon out of my lane because I got distracted by my shoulder haha. Whew, glad I'm still alive >_>
Grr. Why must pain be inevitable? Inevitable pain, teh.. I want to get away from it. If I stay away, I can't be hurt. Who deals with this kind of pain and comes back for more? Ah, courageous people. Or people who just don't pay attention to the pain. I'm too afraid. I'm always afraid. No wonder nothing good ever happens. Why's it gotta be like this? 'Cause I gotta let it be like this. Ah, always my fault. Always my fault. Too much, too fast, too hard. Too easy. In some way, it always is.
Haha I love how I don't make sense. I probably won't even understand half of this entry the next time I read it. It's how it usually goes.
Anyway, free weekend. Don't know what I'm doing. Maybe read, watch shows, movies. Probably not sleep. Haven't slept well in months >_> Wow, I've lied about my sleep a lot. Just realized I've been telling people that I sleep really well. Used to not be a lie. Must adjust. Ooh, yay, I get to cross an item off of my movie list :)
Friday, March 27, 2009
I'm always the single one...
Or that's what it feels like when I'm with my friends. People hooking up, dating, and all that. I feel so left behind -__-
So I found out from Autumn today that a girl (from the "Why am I still thinking about her?" entry) is dating the guy that she had told me she liked. Figures. I already made that assumption because her last status update on Myspace about a month ago said she felt adored and his Facebook said he's in a relationship. Mm. Well, that's cool. It's just weird because I could never imagine him in a relationship haha :P
I just notice something about all the "serious" crushes I had on girls. Those girls, after I "move on," get into relationships relatively soon after. Autumn called me a good luck charm. Chyeah, for other people -__- Not for me. I've yet to meet anyone with whom I have a mutual interest.
I'm such a loser. I feel like I'm never gonna find that someone for me :( My friends are always kissing and hugging their boos, and I feel so alone.
I really suck, for feeling like this. I do this to myself. Bah!
I need happy thoughts. I need a best friend. Hah, never gonna happen. I can't open up. I want someone to open me up. I can't do it alone.
When I think of the perfect girlfriend, I see someone who motivates and encourages me to do better. But she doesn't force me to do too much of anything I don't want to do. She just pushes me enough to get where I should get to. She wants to hang out with me every day, but she wouldn't keep me from doing my work. She makes sure I get work done before we hang out. She wants me to do well in school for myself. She encourages me to try hard in school and in life. She knows exactly when to kiss and hug me. She likes to cuddle and watch movies with me. She doesn't get mad when I can't be with her all the time. She sees my flaws, but she loves me anyway. She just makes me happy whenever she's around. We could say not a word, and I feel like we've had one of the most meaningful conversations ever. Her presence would just overwhelm me with warmth and fuzziness haha.
I just want someone to love, to hold, to fill in the space between my arms. Make me feel at home.
Home is where the heart is,
But I don't know where mine is.
I'm actually feeling the songs "Suffocate" by J. Holiday. I love that song. I want to feel that way about a girl. And "Differences" by Ginuwine and a couple more haha. Love songs. I wish I could relate to love songs.
So I found out from Autumn today that a girl (from the "Why am I still thinking about her?" entry) is dating the guy that she had told me she liked. Figures. I already made that assumption because her last status update on Myspace about a month ago said she felt adored and his Facebook said he's in a relationship. Mm. Well, that's cool. It's just weird because I could never imagine him in a relationship haha :P
I just notice something about all the "serious" crushes I had on girls. Those girls, after I "move on," get into relationships relatively soon after. Autumn called me a good luck charm. Chyeah, for other people -__- Not for me. I've yet to meet anyone with whom I have a mutual interest.
I'm such a loser. I feel like I'm never gonna find that someone for me :( My friends are always kissing and hugging their boos, and I feel so alone.
I really suck, for feeling like this. I do this to myself. Bah!
I need happy thoughts. I need a best friend. Hah, never gonna happen. I can't open up. I want someone to open me up. I can't do it alone.
When I think of the perfect girlfriend, I see someone who motivates and encourages me to do better. But she doesn't force me to do too much of anything I don't want to do. She just pushes me enough to get where I should get to. She wants to hang out with me every day, but she wouldn't keep me from doing my work. She makes sure I get work done before we hang out. She wants me to do well in school for myself. She encourages me to try hard in school and in life. She knows exactly when to kiss and hug me. She likes to cuddle and watch movies with me. She doesn't get mad when I can't be with her all the time. She sees my flaws, but she loves me anyway. She just makes me happy whenever she's around. We could say not a word, and I feel like we've had one of the most meaningful conversations ever. Her presence would just overwhelm me with warmth and fuzziness haha.
I just want someone to love, to hold, to fill in the space between my arms. Make me feel at home.
Home is where the heart is,
But I don't know where mine is.
I'm actually feeling the songs "Suffocate" by J. Holiday. I love that song. I want to feel that way about a girl. And "Differences" by Ginuwine and a couple more haha. Love songs. I wish I could relate to love songs.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Why am I still thinking about her?
Again, I forgot something. Darn my memory -_-
So, this morning, I had a dream that I actually remember.
I dreamed about a girl. I haven't seen her since I visited ST back in January. I miss talking to her :/ I've tried to call her a few times since, but her phone's always off. I haven't gotten any calls back nor any replies to my texts.
I think I used to like her when I was still a senior at ST. I say "I think" because I wasn't sure if I wanted to like her (it gets troubling to like girls who only ever talk about guys). I think she might have liked me. She might've told me. But then she changed her mind. I remember she had "something important" to tell me once. I waited. But she never said anything. When I asked her about it the next day, she chuckled and said she couldn't remember. I doubted it. It's hard to forget when you have something important to say. But I didn't push it. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have said I liked her.
Anyway, I've remembered her from time to time over the past 9 months. I didn't think about liking her. I just thought about her. I miss talking to her, listening to her. But I don't think anything's ever gonna happen there. I can't even get in touch with her.
I haven't been thinking about her lately, but the dream made me think of her again. She likes a guy I know. Well, that's what she told me. I know who he is. I wonder...
Back to the dream. It was short. I meet her somewhere. She seems happy to see me and gives me a hug. I can't stop smiling at her. I ask her about why I haven't been able to reach her. She says that her phone is broken and she's been thinking about me and feeling sorry about not reaching me. She misses me. My heart does a little dance, and I just keep smiling, saying it's ok, we'll keep in touch better now.
That's all there is to the dream. What I remember most is how she looked in the dream. Sweet, happy, and just so damn cute haha.
I have no idea why I dreamed about her. I haven't been thinking about her. Or have I? Mm.
Damn. I need to obsess about someone I actually talk to more often. Why am I thinking about someone I don't even see anymore? :/ Letting-go issues, must be.
Now, I'm thinking about every person I had a serious interest in. Only 4 or 5 people. I debate the seriousness of my past interests a lot. 4 girls, 1 boy. Haha. There's no one for me to like right now, so I can only think back to the past. What fun.
Thinking about these kinda things just makes me feel so alone. I keep feeling so alone. Gahh.. I need to stop thinking. Or to start pursuing someone hahaha. Make this into a game. No, I wouldn't do that. But I don't know what or who to think about. The stuff I think about now are too disheartening. I hate thinking about the future. I want to think about someone.
Who??
Haha this reminds me of my first couple of entries on LJ. Wondering who will be "the one." Still waiting for my firsts and all. I'm still patient, maybe complaining about my chances a little more than I used to. I just don't want to feel so...
Empty and alone.
So, this morning, I had a dream that I actually remember.
I dreamed about a girl. I haven't seen her since I visited ST back in January. I miss talking to her :/ I've tried to call her a few times since, but her phone's always off. I haven't gotten any calls back nor any replies to my texts.
I think I used to like her when I was still a senior at ST. I say "I think" because I wasn't sure if I wanted to like her (it gets troubling to like girls who only ever talk about guys). I think she might have liked me. She might've told me. But then she changed her mind. I remember she had "something important" to tell me once. I waited. But she never said anything. When I asked her about it the next day, she chuckled and said she couldn't remember. I doubted it. It's hard to forget when you have something important to say. But I didn't push it. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have said I liked her.
Anyway, I've remembered her from time to time over the past 9 months. I didn't think about liking her. I just thought about her. I miss talking to her, listening to her. But I don't think anything's ever gonna happen there. I can't even get in touch with her.
I haven't been thinking about her lately, but the dream made me think of her again. She likes a guy I know. Well, that's what she told me. I know who he is. I wonder...
Back to the dream. It was short. I meet her somewhere. She seems happy to see me and gives me a hug. I can't stop smiling at her. I ask her about why I haven't been able to reach her. She says that her phone is broken and she's been thinking about me and feeling sorry about not reaching me. She misses me. My heart does a little dance, and I just keep smiling, saying it's ok, we'll keep in touch better now.
That's all there is to the dream. What I remember most is how she looked in the dream. Sweet, happy, and just so damn cute haha.
I have no idea why I dreamed about her. I haven't been thinking about her. Or have I? Mm.
Damn. I need to obsess about someone I actually talk to more often. Why am I thinking about someone I don't even see anymore? :/ Letting-go issues, must be.
Now, I'm thinking about every person I had a serious interest in. Only 4 or 5 people. I debate the seriousness of my past interests a lot. 4 girls, 1 boy. Haha. There's no one for me to like right now, so I can only think back to the past. What fun.
Thinking about these kinda things just makes me feel so alone. I keep feeling so alone. Gahh.. I need to stop thinking. Or to start pursuing someone hahaha. Make this into a game. No, I wouldn't do that. But I don't know what or who to think about. The stuff I think about now are too disheartening. I hate thinking about the future. I want to think about someone.
Who??
Haha this reminds me of my first couple of entries on LJ. Wondering who will be "the one." Still waiting for my firsts and all. I'm still patient, maybe complaining about my chances a little more than I used to. I just don't want to feel so...
Empty and alone.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Delusional, indeed...
A few things to mention in this entry...
First, today in Poli Sci, we learned about deceptive statistics. I believe I've already explained how I felt about statistics. Anyway, we did a little probability test with quarters. Yeah, the coin toss thing. Tossed 100 times. My group of 3 tossed 52 tails and 48 heads.
You know the first thing I thought when I saw that? Guess. Haha. I thought, "Wow. Those numbers look very familiar. Why?" Then a little later, I remembered: Prop 8 results. Yeah, I know, a common coincidence.
Mm, I don't remember where I was gonna go with that bit. Was supposed to lead to "We don't know what we don't know. We only know what we might know." But I don't think I can explain that well enough. Oh well.
In English, I had a group presentation about global revisions. Fun stuff. Anyway, after the presentation, Prof Williams talked about using "one" as a pronoun in academic writing. It used to be overused. Now, we see it less and less in contemporary writing. I like "one," but I agree too much of it is tiring.
When I see the pronoun, I immediately imagine an old man with an English accent and a long nose speaking to me. He speaks with his nose pointing upward as if looking at me would make him sneeze or something. Pretentious. Indeed.
Obsession. Makes me think of the Frankie J song. "Amor, no es amor..." I can obsess easily, but I can put some things out of mind just as easily. I used to obsess about crushes. But I haven't liked anyone since high school, which ended only 9 months ago. But it's been 9 lonely, quiet months. I sometimes don't know what to think about if not people. But people disappoint me. I want an idealized person to think about. And what is better than an infatuation to occupy my thoughts?
I sadden myself sometimes. I feel so alone when I think about people I can't have, but I might feel worse if I don't think of them at all. But then I'm ok. I've been alone for over 18 years. I've gotten used to it, but I feel like the comfort of not knowing is slipping.
I just want to have someone to think about. I want to be delusional sometimes. Hmm, delusional, what a thought.
PDA. I've come across people who shudder at the thought of gay couples kissing. Weird, queer, uncomfortable. At first, I thought they were just idiots (for I think all people are idiots). Now that I think about it, however, I agree. PDA is weird. PDA of any kind. I thought I was comfortable with it, and I am. From a distance. I blame movies. Movies make PDA seem so sweet and passionate. It's touching, moving. You'd think it could be the same in real life. But we have to take the context into consideration.
If I see a people kiss on screen, it's like "Whatever, they're kissing. Big whoop." But in real life, it's different. For me, anyway. If I see people kissing from at least 10 feet away, I'm still nonchalant about it. But when a couple is kissing in front of me (within 4 or 5 feet) and there's nowhere else for me to go or nothing to block my view, I feel awkward. It's like "Do I keep looking straightahead or do I look away? What the hell am I supposed to do?" No one's looking at me, but I still can't help but feel self-conscious. If I keep looking, I feel like a gawker. If I look away, I'm too shy for my own good. But it's respectful, isn't it?
Anyway, if I know the couple, then it's a little better but not by much. But I think it's worst when I'm a third wheel. Ugh, I hate being the third wheel with a couple. That's happened to me a few times, and I felt so uncomfortable all those times. Why must I be so nice and say yes?? Aiyah... Luckily, that hasn't happened to me lately. Third wheel, tch. I'm too nice a friend. I don't even know why those couples invited me along. Whyy? To make me uncomfortable?
Ok, tangent ending. PDA, not always a comfortable situation. But that shouldn't stop people from showing PDA. Ultimately, I don't care and sometimes think it's sweet, cute, or whatever. I think it's just me. I'm not around people enough to be used to all these strange public customs or anything.
I don't daydream as much as I used to. I don't think as much as I used to. Or do I and don't notice? Hmm. I need to pay attention more. Lately, I've been imagining myself as a popular kid. Making friends wherever I go. And keeping them.
It seems I don't keep my friends well anymore if at all. I'm not sure I know how to speak to them at times. I can only grin and nod. Grin and nod. What I always do. Making new friends is difficult. Has always been. I always waited for others to speak to me. Then I started speaking to other people on my own, but not often. I should. I should just try. I've been successful with that. I still talk to some of those people. But I think I fear people more and more every day. I think about how we live now, and I can never be sure how to react to the people I imagine are around me now. I feel like I can get along with almost anyone, but only an open person does that. I know I'm not open.
I'm friendly, not open. I'm not a private person, but I'm not open. Why? My friends are very open for the most part. You would think that they would have rubbed off on me. Perhaps they have, and I haven't noticed. Or I've regressed. I always regress. In school, in life. Why?
Back to daydreams: I've been thinking about life without my family. Independent, confident, impressive, skilled, versatile, eloquent, knowledgeable, and more. Qualities I want to have but won't give to myself now. I'll only think about what I would be if I used courage. I know my family isn't holding me back. I am. But I don't always want to blame me. It's better to just imagine a closer-to-perfect world. People like me. I do more and try harder (or try less and still be great). I love. I embrace my flaws. I embrace... people. I miss young life when none of this mattered much. I've grown to feel inadequate. I let myself feel this way, I know. I haven't tried hard enough to do better.
Who could love such an inconsistent person? So inadequate. So afraid. So boring. So lost.
I need to stop procrastinating. I've got a lot of homework to do this weekend. Essays, arguments. I'm going to be up late on Sunday night. I'm sure of it. Ahh, I should do better. After Spring Break. Maybe.
I wish I could remember my dreams. I've been forgetting them too easily.
First, today in Poli Sci, we learned about deceptive statistics. I believe I've already explained how I felt about statistics. Anyway, we did a little probability test with quarters. Yeah, the coin toss thing. Tossed 100 times. My group of 3 tossed 52 tails and 48 heads.
You know the first thing I thought when I saw that? Guess. Haha. I thought, "Wow. Those numbers look very familiar. Why?" Then a little later, I remembered: Prop 8 results. Yeah, I know, a common coincidence.
Mm, I don't remember where I was gonna go with that bit. Was supposed to lead to "We don't know what we don't know. We only know what we might know." But I don't think I can explain that well enough. Oh well.
In English, I had a group presentation about global revisions. Fun stuff. Anyway, after the presentation, Prof Williams talked about using "one" as a pronoun in academic writing. It used to be overused. Now, we see it less and less in contemporary writing. I like "one," but I agree too much of it is tiring.
When I see the pronoun, I immediately imagine an old man with an English accent and a long nose speaking to me. He speaks with his nose pointing upward as if looking at me would make him sneeze or something. Pretentious. Indeed.
Obsession. Makes me think of the Frankie J song. "Amor, no es amor..." I can obsess easily, but I can put some things out of mind just as easily. I used to obsess about crushes. But I haven't liked anyone since high school, which ended only 9 months ago. But it's been 9 lonely, quiet months. I sometimes don't know what to think about if not people. But people disappoint me. I want an idealized person to think about. And what is better than an infatuation to occupy my thoughts?
I sadden myself sometimes. I feel so alone when I think about people I can't have, but I might feel worse if I don't think of them at all. But then I'm ok. I've been alone for over 18 years. I've gotten used to it, but I feel like the comfort of not knowing is slipping.
I just want to have someone to think about. I want to be delusional sometimes. Hmm, delusional, what a thought.
PDA. I've come across people who shudder at the thought of gay couples kissing. Weird, queer, uncomfortable. At first, I thought they were just idiots (for I think all people are idiots). Now that I think about it, however, I agree. PDA is weird. PDA of any kind. I thought I was comfortable with it, and I am. From a distance. I blame movies. Movies make PDA seem so sweet and passionate. It's touching, moving. You'd think it could be the same in real life. But we have to take the context into consideration.
If I see a people kiss on screen, it's like "Whatever, they're kissing. Big whoop." But in real life, it's different. For me, anyway. If I see people kissing from at least 10 feet away, I'm still nonchalant about it. But when a couple is kissing in front of me (within 4 or 5 feet) and there's nowhere else for me to go or nothing to block my view, I feel awkward. It's like "Do I keep looking straightahead or do I look away? What the hell am I supposed to do?" No one's looking at me, but I still can't help but feel self-conscious. If I keep looking, I feel like a gawker. If I look away, I'm too shy for my own good. But it's respectful, isn't it?
Anyway, if I know the couple, then it's a little better but not by much. But I think it's worst when I'm a third wheel. Ugh, I hate being the third wheel with a couple. That's happened to me a few times, and I felt so uncomfortable all those times. Why must I be so nice and say yes?? Aiyah... Luckily, that hasn't happened to me lately. Third wheel, tch. I'm too nice a friend. I don't even know why those couples invited me along. Whyy? To make me uncomfortable?
Ok, tangent ending. PDA, not always a comfortable situation. But that shouldn't stop people from showing PDA. Ultimately, I don't care and sometimes think it's sweet, cute, or whatever. I think it's just me. I'm not around people enough to be used to all these strange public customs or anything.
I don't daydream as much as I used to. I don't think as much as I used to. Or do I and don't notice? Hmm. I need to pay attention more. Lately, I've been imagining myself as a popular kid. Making friends wherever I go. And keeping them.
It seems I don't keep my friends well anymore if at all. I'm not sure I know how to speak to them at times. I can only grin and nod. Grin and nod. What I always do. Making new friends is difficult. Has always been. I always waited for others to speak to me. Then I started speaking to other people on my own, but not often. I should. I should just try. I've been successful with that. I still talk to some of those people. But I think I fear people more and more every day. I think about how we live now, and I can never be sure how to react to the people I imagine are around me now. I feel like I can get along with almost anyone, but only an open person does that. I know I'm not open.
I'm friendly, not open. I'm not a private person, but I'm not open. Why? My friends are very open for the most part. You would think that they would have rubbed off on me. Perhaps they have, and I haven't noticed. Or I've regressed. I always regress. In school, in life. Why?
Back to daydreams: I've been thinking about life without my family. Independent, confident, impressive, skilled, versatile, eloquent, knowledgeable, and more. Qualities I want to have but won't give to myself now. I'll only think about what I would be if I used courage. I know my family isn't holding me back. I am. But I don't always want to blame me. It's better to just imagine a closer-to-perfect world. People like me. I do more and try harder (or try less and still be great). I love. I embrace my flaws. I embrace... people. I miss young life when none of this mattered much. I've grown to feel inadequate. I let myself feel this way, I know. I haven't tried hard enough to do better.
Who could love such an inconsistent person? So inadequate. So afraid. So boring. So lost.
I need to stop procrastinating. I've got a lot of homework to do this weekend. Essays, arguments. I'm going to be up late on Sunday night. I'm sure of it. Ahh, I should do better. After Spring Break. Maybe.
I wish I could remember my dreams. I've been forgetting them too easily.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)