Choose your sexuality. Can't? Try harder.

Since anti-gay people continually demand that gay people should just change our minds and become straight because sexuality is so obviously a choice, what question should we ask of anti-gay folks to turn the tables? So far, I've heard pro-gay people ask, "Why don't you try to become gay?" Answers have been, of course, "I tried, and I just can't be gay," "No, I'm not a sinner, so I would never choose to go against God," other similar answers, and no answers. Pro-gay folks have also asked, "When did you decide to become straight?" Answers include: "... I guess I never really had to decide," "I've known I was straight since forever" (That doesn't answer when you decided to be straight), and "I've never thought about that before." I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "I decided to be straight," unless they were coming from ex-gay therapy.

[Note: When I say "anti-gay," I mean to describe people who are against the existence of queers and queerness. Not to describe people who are cool with queers but don't support gay marriage; I have had friends who felt this way. It took me a short while to wrap my head around that way of thinking; I don't agree with it, but I understand it now. I'm ok with my friends thinking like that. It doesn't affect me as much as I thought it should have. That being said, what they think should not (legally) dictate how I get to live my peaceful, harmless life haha.]

I think we should ask sexually straight people to try to become asexual. Why? Because asking them to become gay doesn't help us prove a point unless they're actually open to giving it a shot. Even if they think they do give it a try, because they are straight, they don't try very hard to experience the emotions or attraction and just believe they naturally make the "right decision." They have nothing to lose if they can't feel anything for the same sex, while queers who desperately want to be "normal" do feel like they have everything to lose and will try their fucking hardest to feel what they're "supposed" to feel. But when they don't feel it, they're "not trying hard enough." If straight people can't feel queer emotions or attractions, they can't explain their "decision," believe that they are making a choice (in the sense that gay does not feel like an option for them, just like straight doesn't feel like an option for queers), or believe that we are so abominable that we can go against the natural instinct of being straight--it feels like instinct to them.

Now, why ask straight people to try asexuality or ask them to try anything else at all? To make them see how ridiculously difficult their question is to answer and to provide evidence for. Being asexual is different from the norm and doesn't go against any religious beliefs and thus doesn't make them feel like they're sinning, so they can't try to throw that in our faces as an excuse to not try. When straight people say we can choose not to be gay, that's them saying we can choose not to be attracted to the same sex; so it should be true that straight people can simply choose not to be attracted to the opposite sex. Since they think it's a choice to be attracted to either sex, and we queers generally know they can't choose to be attracted to the same sex, I think it's fair to request that straight people attempt the same proposal to prove to us that it is possible for anyone, straight or queer, to make that choice. We could put them in a room full of sexually attractive members of the opposite sex and tell them not to notice their sexual attractiveness and not to feel sexual attraction whatsoever.

When a straight person tells me (to choose) not to be gay, this is the scenario that I think they want to see: They show me a female whom I find sexually attractive at that moment. At the snap of my fingers, I don't think she's sexually attractive at all anymore. I've chosen to find her non-attractive right then and there because I can.

If you tell anyone to do that, would that actually work? If someone said they could do that, I would think they were lying to me. But that's just because I can't believe them. I don't trust that they're telling me the truth. Just like anti-gay people wouldn't believe me if I said I tried to find a male person sexually attractive but couldn't. I probably wasn't trying hard enough. I think this just proves a question like "Why can't you choose to be straight/gay/asexual?" is ultimately a waste of time. Even if we all attempted to answer this question, the questioners wouldn't believe any answer or explanation that doesn't meet the standards that they set when they asked the question--the standards being there is only one right answer and there is no way to change my mind unless you can make me feel what you feel. But we can't really make others feel what they strongly don't want to feel. No adamantly anti-gay person is gonna seriously say, "Oh, I saw with my own eyes that you took me seriously and tried really hard to change. And I can see that you couldn't do it. I guess I am wrong, and you can't choose." No adamantly pro-gay person is gonna seriously say, "Oh, I saw with my own eyes that you took me seriously and didn't need to try that hard to change. I guess I am wrong, and you can choose."

"Why don't you choose to be gay?" is a nice, witty retort. It makes us feel good for a moment because we bested the opposition on that point. But it doesn't really get us anywhere closer to common ground, especially now that it seems to be used by pro-gay folks only as a witty retort and treated by anti-gay folks only as a trivial retort rather than an actual challenge that deserves some serious consideration.


Random: I've been told some anti-gay folks would prefer that gay people were asexual, so that we just would stop sinning and/or committing abhorrent sexual practices. Is this true? I thought they wanted us to be straight and make babies. Or simply burn in hell.

Another random: If homosexuality is as bad a sin as murder, and murderers who stop murdering generally aren't forgiven for their past crimes, are ex-gays unforgivable for their past gay crimes too? I mean, yeah, the one-time offenders may be forgiven, depending on the circumstances. But would forgiveness be granted to serial killers or mass murderers who supposedly repent? What about the serial gays who become ex-gays? The forgiveness that I'm talking about here isn't from God but from the people who judge the sinner. And "serial gays" could mean whatever you want it to mean.


Different topic: In general, I think it's easier for gay people to imagine being straight than for straight people to imagine being gay because we're inundated by heteronormative/straight behavior just about everywhere we go. Straight is generally the default setting; we believe we're straight until some event, person, or moment makes us do a double take.

Most of the information about queer people that close-minded, straight people have tend to come from their own imagination; the stereotypes and beliefs about us come from very little exposure to actual queer people. I mean, queer people are exposed to straight people most of their lives; so we stereotype straight people, but we're aware that there are all types of straight people. There are nice ones and mean ones. It's the same in the queer community. But because of the lack of exposure, people generalize and leave it at that without taking the time to investigate their presumptions and to get to know individuals.


How I see things: Every person is a potential friend. When we judge another person before we get to know them and don't give them a chance to be a good part of our lives, we're reducing our lives' potential. Obviously, we run the risk of meeting not-nice people who aren't good for us. But sometimes, I think it's good to know firsthand who is good and who is bad for us.

Don't just assume a group of people can't add goodness to your life. All that potential will just go to waste. (I was going to make a physics analogy, but that's much too nerdy.)


I know that everything I've typed is based on sexual attraction rather than romantic attraction. It was just easier to simplify. Besides, romantic attraction is a whole other beast to tackle in regards to pro-gay versus anti-gay. Though, you can obviously substitute "romantic" for "sexual" in what I've got typed up there.

Romantic attraction is more emotional. I feel that trying to argue about emotions is even more fruitless than arguing about physical attraction. Physical attraction may be somewhat relatable and understandable just because it's considered to be an "animalistic" quality shared by all human beings. Romantic attraction isn't really considered in the same way; I don't know what descriptor fits romantic attraction. But to try to explain something so abstract, so personal, so individualized, is such a difficult task. No one can truly, without a doubt, understand what you feel. What you feel is what you feel; to get someone else to know exactly what you're feeling is so close to impossible. Even if you could, you don't know if they actually get it. You can only assume that they do when they say they do. To get anywhere close to that impossibility requires a large amount of empathy, which I tend to feel is very much lacking in these kinds of arguments.


Rawr.


I apologize for the randomness, rambling, and long-winded-ness. I was watching some The Young Turks clips on YouTube, and thoughts in my head started to bubble out. I was trying to catch them all before any of them hit the ground and were no good anymore haha. I missed a few though >:

What a Workout!

My knee hurts, my back aches, and the bottoms of my feet sting T-T But it was worth it.

Around 13h00, I picked up Harrison and then Cristina D. They had met before today through Key Club. Interesting. I drove us downtown to Autumn's house. Then off to Alum Rock Park. Parked on McKee Road because I could remember the name. Then we walked for like the next three hours.

Up one trail past sheep to two benches. Down the same trail. Up another less steep, more curvy one, which ended back at the entrance we started at.

I was already tired after the first ten minutes XP but I kept going haha. We had a nice view of the city from the benches. It would be so awesome to camp there. You would able to see all the lights in the city, probably not many stars. But still a nice view. Could almost be romantic haha.

And O-M-G, our conversations -shakes head- I don't know why, but like I said in previous entries, many of the conversations I've been having with people have revolved around sex :O With details haha. I kept silent most of the time ^_^; but I did contribute a few words here and there haha.

Talks of sexual encounters and whatnot. I'm just like O_O Though, Autumn mentioned how Brian and I used to talk about sex all the time haha. Yeah, I talk, but I really haven't done anything >_> It's just talk without experience. Now, you guys are talking about experiences and stuff. I felt slightly awkward, even though I kept listening haha.

"Once you go black, you never go back." haha Well, actually, this was declared later on at Autumn's house, but yeah XP After having sex with a black guy, apparently you can never be satisfied by anyone other than a black guy ever again haha.

Anyway, the long hike left me sore. My knee was killing me. So we walked back to my car. When we reached McKee, I reached into my pocket for my keys. And they weren't there! D: I searched all my pockets. I was frantic. Only thing I could say was "Fuck!" Cristina tried to calm me down a lil. If I panic, I won't find my keys. I was freaking out. Mother would so kill me if I lost the keys to the Avalon AND the Nissan (they're attached to the same keychain). Autumn suggested that I might have dropped it in the car. If so, we could just call a locksmith. So we went to my car, looked in the window, and saw no keys.

On a whim, though I was sure I had pressed the lock button when I got out of the car, I decided to try the doorhandle just in case I didn't lock it. And it fuckin' opened! I was dumbstruck for a moment. Then I realized the car unlocks all locks when you try to lock all doors with the key still in the ignition. So I looked at the starter, and there they were! My keys! :O Damn, I was fuckin' relieved haha. Fuuck, I've never forgotten my keys in the ignition before D: That was the first time and hopefully the last. Scared me half to death T-T

Man, I'm so glad that it was a nice and safe neighborhood. If I had parked my car in some ghetto ass place, my car would have been long gone. Ahh, geez -_- My memory is dying slowly.

After that, I drove us back to Autumn's house. Got some water to drink and some apples to eat. Juicy Fuji apples, mmmm... haha. They were really good. Also pork buns, corn bread, and tamales.

Around 17h30, we decided we wanted to go look at the Monopoly board on San Carlos. So we walked for twenty or so minutes. Went in the Fairmont first and the left. Got to the board. Were disappointed by the size of the board. Took our time pointing out all the sexual innuendo we could find on the board game. I refused a group hug, heh, sorry. Then we walked back to Autumn's house. Mother called during the walk back to yell at me for being out all day -__-

Six hours is only a quarter of a day >_>

Anyway, more innuendo-filled conversation on the walk to and from the board game.

I drove Cristina and Harrison home. Now, I'm home, and Mother decided not to yell at me because I said my friends and I hadn't eaten all day.

You know, I don't know what it is. Maybe we're just all good friends. Or maybe they really are just open about stuff. But damn, there was a lot of talk about sex today haha. Ah, and though it would be a funny thought, Autumn, Cristina, Harrison, and I did not talk about sex the whole time XP Most of the time, maybe. But not the whole time. We talked a lil bit about music and racial/physical preferences >_>

What I mean is who we're attracted to. Yeaah. I dunno if I should mention what everyone had said because I'm not sure if everyone would want me to say much :P Even though, they're pretty open about everything. Obviously. Hm. Well, we know Autumn has only dated Grant, so yeaah. Go black, haha. Cristina prefers black guys over all others. Not lesbian, but she thinks some women are fiiine haha (even I don't scope people out for real). She may be a 5 on the Kinsey scale, like how Harrison rates himself (though, I think they meant to say 1 not 5 haha). Harrison prefers Asian girls and short hair, yeah. Though, he wouldn't let his preferences stop him. Cristina and I pretty much agreed that we've never really found ourselves attracted to Indians (the Asian ones, not Native Americans) before. Just never clicked with any.

And yes, although I contributed to the Indian comment, I did not actually talk about my preferences XP Though, I'm sure I've mentioned them in this blog at some point... Or not. Not actual physical preferences. Just ideal girlfriend qualities or something like that haha. Still not much to inform you of what I want, but eh -shrug- you don't need to know, do you?

And you know, I actually haven't mentioned love or the lack of it all that much in this blog (compared to my old LJ). Oh, I'm so proud of myself XD

I'm still obsessing, I s'pose, but not like I used to haha. Good. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself. Hm. Anyway, I just read my obsession-tagged entries from March 2009 (because I was looking for the linked post). Wow. Such a downer. Actually. Still a downer. Still thinking the same way.

"Who could love such an inconsistent person? So inadequate. So afraid. So boring. So lost." I still feel this way -sigh- but eh whatever. Oh, forgive the slight ADD-ness of the entry. I never seem to be able to focus on just one thing.


I've kinda been talking to people lately. But I feel like everything I've been saying is nothing. Don't know how to explain it. Don't know what I'm trying to say, I s'pose. Ahhh, I just want release. Release of what? I do not know. Or maybe I just don't want to acknowledge what I know. Blehh, I'm not making sense, am I? -_- I just need sleep. And to stick to resolutions, yeah. Focus focus focus. On things. More important things -nods-


Man, it's 48 degress outside right now. Just went out to cover the car. Painful. Should have worn a jacket. But it was only for a few minutes haha.

Ok, going to bed early again. So tiiired x_x and in pain haha. I need a massage. But I'll just settle for a hug from my stuffed dog in my sleep haha... ^_^

Bonne nuit, mes amis.

Let's encourage lunacy (:

I'm not really sure what I wanna write about today, but I wanna write about something.


Ooh, and I really did spend the past two nights working on my Poli Sci essay :D Usually, when I say I'll work on something over a period of days, I actually only spend half that time doing it at the last minute. So I'm proud of myself. And the 47-page reading wasn't too bad, but I didn't finish it haha. But I finished my essay at midnight last night and submitted. I don't think I analyzed the case well, but it's over. So I'm happy.

I still have my English essay and four EDCO assignments to work on. I can do it. I'm gonna try to do half of my EDCO homework tonight. I'm just waiting for my headache to ease up a little bit before I try.


Updated Important dates:
English Final -- 5/9 (in TWO days)
English Essay 5 -- 5/5 *I actually wrote down the wrong date (it's not 5/12), but it doesn't matter because I got sick.
Last Day of Instruction -- 5/13
Anth Final Review Session -- 5/14
EDCO Final -- 5/15
Anth Final -- 5/18


So I haven't talked about any random topic lately. So self-centered, I know :P haha.

Even though, in my Poli Sci class, we've been reading and discussing legal issues, such as illegal immigration (today) and marijuana legalization. Fun stuff. People have been giving speeches on this stuff in class too. My speech on physician-assisted suicide went better than I thought. 190 out of 200 points. I thought my speech went to fast and stuff, but I guess not. Whew. I pretty much only got docked points for referring to my notes too much. Couldn't help it. I didn't know my speech because I got sick the week that I had planned to use to memorize it.

Anyway, in my English class, we were talking about our in-class essay (prep for the Saturday final) from Tuesday. And I started doing the crossword page notes thing again. I haven't done that in a while haha.

But yeah, here are some of my random thoughts:


So our prompt included a bit (by Karl Palachuk) about Socrates, his being sentenced to death for living an "examined life"/commiting heresy, and our modern-day avoidance of living the "examined life." There was also a second part (by Sherry Turkle) about technology, particularly the Internet, and its influences on children's intrapersonal and interpersonal skills. Apparently, there were both good and bad influences, but I only saw the mention of the bad. The good influence part totally didn't catch my attention -_- but hey, I still got an A- haha.

Aanyway, so children who play RPGs and use chat rooms are more likely to use the Internet as a refuge from the real world and experiment with their identity/personality ("good" influence). However, many do not develop their "authentic selves" ("bad" influence). They're so used to making up stories about their characters and pretending to be someone else online, and so they don't know how to be themselves in real life with real people. That's what Turkle says.

Hmm, yeah, so my thoughts were flowing during class when we were discussing the prompt, but right now, I'm not sure what I should say haha.

Online self vs. "real" self? Good or bad?
I've played MMORPGs, and I don't have too hard of a time interacting with people. When I do have a hard time, it's not because I'm online too much. I'm just too reserved -_- haha. And I think that people can usually distinguish between fantasy and reality. I mean, there are some people who don't realize that people can't die and die again in real life. But for the most part, people should learn this.

Those who say that the Internet has predators believe it is dangerous. The Internet is not dangerous. The people who use it can be. The things people do online can lead to dangerous things. But the Internet itself is not dangerous. You don't die just because you go online. What makes the Internet seem dangerous is when the online world overlaps the real world. Online predators are dangerous when you meet them, not when you talk to them through the screen.


Ah, so Prof Williams told the class that most of us didn't get both the good and the bad in the second part. I think it's because of the "but." Turkle put the good part first and then said "but..." the bad part haha. And I usually think the stuff you say after the "but" is stronger. So the negative stuck to me and the good just flew over my head. I hope I don't do that on the final haha. You, remember to reread your prompts while you're writing just in case you misread something. It will save you :P


Mm, so I didn't say what I was really thinking about that^, but I don't know how to say it -_- haha. So something else.


Let's talk about what defines a person. Hmm. So what defines a person? Everything, nothing, whatever.

I think everything counts. Every little detail, every big detail. You never know which details are real, but even the falsehood of the details tells you something about a person.

But people shouldn't assume they know a person through and through just because of what they observe. Remember: You never know what you don't know. You only know what you might know. Basically, nothing is ever for sure. So maybe you can't really define a person after all. Because who really knows the truth about anyone else? haha Some people don't even know much about themselves. Like me :P


Hmm, I can't focus on any of these topics now -_- This sucks. I really wanted to put down my opinion about these things. Now, it's just gone.


Oh, and sometimes first impressions really suck. If you're the HR person for a company and an applicant walks into the room with torn and dirty clothes on, I don't think you should assume that he's not a good applicant. Yeah, he may be an unorganized, lazy worker. But appearances can't always tell you everything. Yeah, you're supposed to look good for an interview. But hey, maybe he did look good when he left the house, and then something happened to him on the way to the interview. He should have went home and rescheduled the interview? Maybe he was so close to the interview that he decided to take a chance and just go to the interview. Determination, yeah?

I just don't think we should let first impressions ruin things too easily because it might be wrong. At least try to get the facts first.

I don't know why. I just want to give people the benefit of a doubt when I can. I guess that's why people think I'm too nice. I think people are idiots, but I give them the benefit of a doubt. I'm just cool like that hahaha.


Hmm, first final this Saturday. Wonderful. Just wonderful. But hey, only 3 days of school left, 6 class sessions.

I hope I write well on Saturday. Please let it be a comprehensible prompt haha. Relatively simple XP Just enough so that I can make a good connection to it. I'm kinda afraid that I won't understand anything. I usually get some kinda headache around the time of some big essay writing thing. I have a headache now -_- I hope it goes away, and I can think clearly.

Oh, so Prof Williams gave us advice for Saturday haha. One of it is to imagine our classmates in our head, bouncing ideas off of each other. "Kinda like schizophrenia" haha. I think that's kinda like a dissociative identity disorder too haha. But yeah, Prof Williams was just encouraging insanity today haha. It was funny really.


Gosh, I'm gonna miss being in her class. She really does remind me of Mrs Thomas. Haha I'm always happy when I leave a class missing my teacher. That means we connected somehow haha (: We need to connect to our teachers in some way.


Ah, ok. Enough with trying to get my thoughts out. I feel like there's a plug in my brain today ): I have a lot of thoughts piling up, but they're not coming out. Maybe I need to call a brain plumber XP Hopefully, my brain will be unclogged by Saturday. That would be wonderful. Earlier would be awesome too because I've got quite a bit of homework to catch up on. Yay.

Human stereotype?

Sometimes, I feel like giving up on life. Other times, it feels like I already have. I think I've given up on people in general, but not individually or even collectively.

What's the generalization/stereotype of a human being? There isn't one. Is there one? Is there many? Why?

When you tell people to think of a human being, what do they imagine? Obviously, "human being" is very vague, but this leaves room for us to see what other people see: A man? A woman? White? Black? Mexican? 10-year-old? 60-year-old? Clothes? No clothes? Tall, short, or "average"? Skinny, fat, muscular? Smooth or scarred? Weak or strong?

When I hear human, I imagine a thin, white male, standing at 5'10", in his 20's, wearing a polo and jeans. Short dark hair. Dark eyes. I stop at that. What am I supposed to imagine? A typical human. What's typical? Nothing's typical.

No one represents the human race, yet we all do. How's this possible?

What do we imagine when we think "animal"? Dogs, cats, horses, fish, birds, lions, elephants, pigs, etc. Are we so arrogant as to hold ourselves higher than what we really are? "Humans and animals..."

Humans are animals.

We can prove it genetically, behaviorally, and in many other ways, I'm sure. Yet, we see ourselves in such a better light than we do animals. "Humans are more evolved." Pfft, what an ego! Humans are no more evolved than dogs or bacteria. The Theory of Evolution shows that we all descended from the same first being whatever that was. All species have evolved over the same amount of time through different changes. We can see that we're not as tiny or fluid as bacteria, but our ancestries have survived through the same amount of time.

We're all as evolved as can be at this point. And there's little doubt that there will be more change in all species in the future. You never know. Bacteria might become the most complex and intelligent living creature on Earth in a few hundreds of thousands or millions of years.

Where the hell was I going with this?

I don't like that some people assume human beings are just the shit. Why are we so great? Because we think so. Chyeah, right. For all we know, dogs and cats are really incognito and studying us when we don't pay attention to them. We don't know. We could really just be that simpleminded. We make our assumptions and are happy with that.

Maybe we should just be happy with what we think we know and leave it at that. It's worked out rather well for some people.

Ok, I'm going to stop rambling. I can't keep this up anymore -__-