Ineffable.

And I can't fucking tell if I'm fucking hurting or not.

My friend, Ton W, passed away last Tuesday night, April 17. Only five days ago. Don't know how he died. Found out Wednesday evening. Went through Wednesday thinking I was gonna see him Thursday night at the drag show. Felt like I was lied to. Spent Wednesday night, fighting wakefulness and all these thoughts that wouldn't stop repeating themselves. Had to surround myself with people to keep my brain from doing that. But that could only last so long.

I can't fucking put into words what I'm feeling.

I've never really had to grieve for anyone. There was Earl. His death hurt, but it was easier to accept because he was fighting cancer. Ton's death, on the other hand, was so unexpected. And I can't deal with it. I thought I was dealing with it just fine. I cried like crazy Wednesday night to Thursday night during the drag show. Then I couldn't cry anymore. I thought I was done. I haven't had the urge to cry for two days. But then today, I've been sitting on a bench on campus (still am as I type this), doing homework. Lost my focus, went on Facebook, and somehow found myself looking at Ton's page. I can feel the tears wanting to come out again, but this time they're not coming out. I have that heavy feeling in my chest again, and it's not relieving itself. I don't know how to get it out.

A part of me is scared that his death was a suicide. I know I shouldn't make any assumptions. I've talked to some friends about this. I can't help but wonder. I talked to him on Tuesday. He saw me in the Student Union working on my paper. He stopped by to talk to me for about ten minutes. It had been a while since I'd last seen him and I was glad to talk to him.

This may just be hindsight bias, but I could feel that something was not right when I hugged him. He didn't really hug me back. He put his arms around me, but I couldn't feel the hugs. And I always feel his hugs. I loved his teddy bear hugs. I should have figured out that something was up. I should have kept talking to him. Maybe it would have made a difference somehow.

But he talked about going to the drag show and hanging out with everyone. He talked about being glad that the semester was almost over. He talked about going to the Cherry Blosson Festival this weekend.

I dunno what I'm feeling. Ton's no longer around. He's dead. I can't tell if I've accepted his death or not. I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. I can't tell if I'm angry, frustrated, depressed, numb, or anything else. But I know I'm feeling something. Maybe it's everything that I'm feeling.

I'm hoping that his death was natural. I feel stupid for saying this, but if his death was a suicide, I would hate myself. I don't want to feel guilty. I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it. I talked to him hours before he died. That makes me feel like I could have done something, instead of ignoring the nagging feeling that something was wrong.


I thought blogging or getting these words out would help me feel a little better. But I don't feel better. I'm still stuck at ineffable.


We continued on with the drag show with a tribute to Ton. There was no stopping the tears that came with seeing his photos on the screen on the stage. I couldn't look at them before the start of the show. But when the show started and Chara started playing her song, I couldn't look away from Ton's face on the screen.

Ahh... The rest of the show went on as planned. I barely remember it. Not as amazing as the previous drag shows I went to. I can't tell if that's because the performances weren't up to par or because of Ton's death.


Ugh. This isn't helping me. I don't know what to do. I can't really talk about this. I did, and I was ok. Then I'm no longer ok. And I feel like talking about it won't help me anymore. I can't even think of what to say. My feelings are just those: feelings, not words. They won't leave my brain. I just can't think. All I'm doing is feeling. Why can't I think? Fuck. I can't think about anything. I can't focus on this paper that I was supposed to finish by today. It probably won't be finished by next weekend either. My brain won't think. All it thinks is "Why are you dead? Why aren't you here anymore? Why are you gone? Why?"

What should I do? I don't want to talk, but I feel like things are getting heavier and I can't carry shit.

I just need sleep. A nice, long sleep. When I wake up, I'll feel better. But I can't sleep. I'm not sleeping well. I don't have dreams or anything. But I don't feel like I sleep at all.


Ahhhhh!! I can't fucking take this right now. I just wanna cry this all out again, but I can't. What can I do, but just wait for it to pass? That's what I'll do, I guess. I hope it passes soon.



Rest in peace, Ton. We all love and miss you.