First real paycheck

I picked up my paycheck from Aerotek today. I actually make $8.50 an hour, not $8.00 and not $8.25. What a pleasant surprise.

So I take home more than the $200 I originally thought I would get in a week :) Yay! That means I can pay rent! Hehe.

After I picked up my check, I went to Target at Oakridge. It's so strange that I'm doing shopping for myself. I didn't buy too many things, but I ended up spending more than $40 T-T Oh well, these were mainly necessities.

I'm at Mother's right now. For lunch. Then I gotta go make a deposit. Then go to another Target near home to find something that was not at Oakridge. Then I can go chill at home. Yay.

Just give me a few more weeks, and I will get used to this whole being-an-adult business haha :)

I cried at work today.

Today was full of good stuff for me. I've only been working for a week, and now I've already cried because of work.

My trainer, Angelica, had asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was tired like I have been all week. She looked at me for a while and then said that I don't eat enough. I said I eat enough. I just don't have any of my own food at home to bring with me to eat yet; I need to wait for my paycheck to come in so that I have money that I'm not saving and can spend. Angelica and a few coworkers asked me if I wanted our other coworkers to chip in to buy or bring me food every day, and I said no. That's just too nice for people to do for a stranger like me, who's probably not staying at this job for too long. Then my coworker Jaswinder asked me if I was eating dinner, and I said, "Yeah, my friend cooks for me." Haha. It's kinda true. I don't think she believed me though because she looked at me like it was a weird thing to say.

At break time, Angelica and some other coworkers bought tamales from a taco truck. Angelica saved two for me. I appreciated it. I saved one for home.

At the end of the work day, I noticed that Angelica had a whole bunch of cash on our table, but I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later after cleanup, she pulled me aside and told me that she knows I don't want any help but everybody there is very nice and really cares about each other. Then she started counting and putting the money into my hand. She also gave me a list of people's name. There was a total of nineteen coworkers who chipped in. $240 in cash. I was awestruck. Angelica had asked coworkers, some I don't even know, during her lunch break to help me out. I had a late lunch, so it was easy for her to surprise me.

So after she gave me the money and explained that everyone there cares and would like me to be ok, I just started crying. I didn't know what to say or do. I just thanked her. It felt like everything around became muted. (And it's a factory, so it's very loud in there.) She told me that even though I've only worked there for a week, she can tell that I'm a good person and a hard worker. I just cried harder.

Man, after an exhausting week, this was the perfect end to it. I came to Knightsbridge Plastics, Inc., thinking it was just a temp job and I probably wouldn't get to know people all that well. But in a week, I've talked to a handful of people who are pretty awesome. And now some of those people and others I haven't met have given me something. I don't know how to repay them. I just feel so grateful to be surrounded by such thoughtful, awesome, lovely people. Today made me realize it wouldn't be so bad to continue working here.

However, that leads me to the next good thing that happened today. The hiring manager from Randstad called me and told me that there's a possible job opening for me. I told her I could start a week from Monday, April 1; I'd like to be able to give a few days' notice to my current employer. Details haven't been finalized yet, but the chance is there. Tomoyo, the manager, just wanted to give me a head's up, in case I was still looking for work. Even though the kindness that I was given today made me feel better about working at KPI, I would still like a job that helps me save more by being closer to home or paying more. Anyway, Tomoyo said that she would call me back on Monday to let me know for sure and to let me have a few days to decide if I would like to take the job.

I don't know what I will do about the job. I'll probably take the Randstad job if it's officially offered. We'll see what happens. I might just feel kinda sad to leave all these nice friends I've started making. We don't really have any reason to talk outside of work. But who knows what will happen until I leave? Maybe I'll get some emails or numbers, and we'll all hang out. Haha probably not. Most of my coworkers are busy with work and families... But these are the kinda people I would like to be friends with. We need more people like them. I'm lucky to have met some of them.

Anyway, the rest of my day was eventful, I suppose. I went to Chase today to open a bank account. I was in such a good mood that I actually chatted with the banker who was helping me. Talking to people seemed a little easier and more fun today.

And I just realized I forgot the apartment number in my address when I was opening the bank account. Ahh, so stupid -_- It's been a while since I've had to add an apartment number to my address.

Hmm, I also visited Dexter today. Played with him for a bit. Fed him a little bit, even though I wasn't supposed to :P I smelled like wet dog when I left him. Also felt really bad that he was alone. He started whining when I was leaving /: I realize I don't know if I could handle having a dog. A cat, maybe. Dogs need a little too much attention. I'd like a pet who knows when I need to be alone and can be ok home alone.

Oh, another stupid thing I did. I almost caused a car accident on the way home from Dexter. I didn't realize the lane I was in was merging with the lane on my right. When I realized I was about to hit the car next to me, I swerved and nearly hit the car in the lane on my left -_-; I didn't see either car. I was paying attention too... I think me driving on five hours or less of sleep is hazardous. Tonight, I pass out and get at least eight hours. Hopefully.

I'm actually pretty sleepy right now. Also hungry. Waiting for Shiva and Mai to come back from food shopping to make dinner <.< I need to eventually not depend on other people for my meals.

Ooh, can't wait for the hard ciders. And beers another night. Ooh, maybe I can buy a pack... Or not. There's not much space in the fridge. And I should spend money on things I need, not want >: Maybe when I have more spending money. An occasional six-pack wouldn't be harmful or wasteful...

Ah, let the weekend begin.

I am officially an adult.

I moved out from Mother's home on Tuesday night. It was an emotional parting. She cried because she's worried about me and she knows she will be alone--she also sees me as being alone in the world. I cried because I know she will be alone. I'm not worried about me. I know things will get better. I just wish I could know for sure Mother will be happy and safe.

So I'm crashing on the futon couch in the living room of the apartment that Shiva and Killol live in. I've pretty much rearranged my possessions a whole bunch of times already. It helps to still my nervous mind. Their apartment is messy and cluttered. I usually don't care about other people's mess enough to do anything. But the clutter is driving me mad. Because I don't know what else to think about. When I think about something else, my mind usually returns to Mother.

I think I might end up reorganizing parts of the apartment in my free time. When I have the energy.

I don't have energy. It's been an exhausting week. Not enough sleep. Too many hours standing and/or hunching over small plastic parts, examining them closely yet quickly. Mind-numbing work for most people. I actually do enjoy it. I just don't like the strain on my back and shoulders. Overall a fun experience. I think I get nervous though because these parts all go into medical devices. So people's lives are affected by the work we do. No flaws, no defects. I don't like knowing that my mistakes could hurt someone else. These might be small parts, but even small things can create great consequences.

Anyway, I can drink alcohol again tomorrow. I can relax this weekend. Much needed after this week. Tomorrow, I gotta go to work, pump some gas into my car, pick up my paycheck, open a bank account, mail my rental agreement back to the landlady, visit Dexter and let him out for a bit, and then finally down a beer or two. I am so looking forward to that beer. Or well, probably just hard ciders; close enough.

I'm so damn tired. I don't know why I'm not asleep yet. I gotta get up at 5:15am. I feel like after I get the rest I need this weekend and finish all the paperwork I need to finish, I will transition more smoothly into my new weekly routine. I hope so. I think I could love this job if I wasn't so tired and stressed. But I would also love a job that's closer to where I live and pays a little more. Just so I can save gas and money. A higher pay would allow me to save more money sooner. That would be nice. I could help my family pay stuff off sooner.

Ahh... Oh, Mother's birthday is Sunday. I think I'll come home to spend some time with her and D.

Sleep calls to me. It's been calling to me every day this week. Hopefully, I'll give in to it more easily next week when I don't have to stay up to figure so many things out.

But I still feel like I'm enjoying life, even if I'm a little sad right now. Life is being good to me, curve balls and hurdles notwithstanding.

Anyway, good night, friends.

Real adulthood is overwhelming me...

Before I even get to jump into it.

I couldn't sleep last night. My brain just kept thinking, even though my body was so tired.

The past two days, I've really only been thinking about how my future is going to affect me. Last night, I couldn't stop thinking about how my decisions are going to affect Mother.

I'm overwhelmed by the potential of my future. Even from the small things. The small plans. Overwhelmed but so excited. I'm happy.

But I worry about Mother. I have so many worries about her. I know I've wanted to be independent of her for a long time because she's overprotective and controlling. But I know she just wants everything to work out perfectly for me. But that's not the point. The point is I'm leaving Mother's home. She'll be alone after I move out. Will she become lonely? Will moving out have negative repercussions on her mental or emotional state? Will she be ok?

I was a mess last night. I haven't cried so hard since... well, a short while ago. I haven't talked to her about this yet. I think I want to. But I don't know how that conversation will go. What if she doesn't even think about it? Until I mention it.

I know my life could get really tough. And it scares me a little. But I know I could handle it. But thinking about Mother and how all this could affect her... scares the shit out of me. Terrifies me to no end.

I want everything to go smoothly for Mother's sake. If problems arise for me alone, that's fine. I'll figure it out, and I have friends who can help me. But if anything happens to Mother, I don't know what I would do.

Ahhh, my brain... So much clouding my brain.

I'm going to become a real adult!

So I think I'm actually going through with the Fremont job. How exciting. First step into the world. Sad that I'm saying it at age 22, but happy that I'm finally saying it.

Need to think through everything I have to do soon to officially be independent legally. Have to sign a rental agreement, change my address at the DMV, change my address at the post office, and get copies of the agreement and DMV changes. Fill out and submit forms and proof about the change in household composition to Housing Authority for Mother. Notify SSA of the household change as well.

Not too many things to do, but it still feels overwhelming because this is an all-or-nothing kinda deal. Once I'm legally independent, I can no longer depend on Mother to financially support me. If I crash and burn, my family won't be able to help me because our financial situation will drastically change once I'm out of the house. They've made that very clear. And I knew it too. I never plan to come begging for their help as soon as something gets too hard. I don't want to do that. I think I actually have enough pride to want to avoid that haha.

I could make this work. Mother's pessimism has gotten me to question my ability to survive. But I'm fairly confident I can make things work. Still looking for a job in San Jose so that my minimum pay will be $10 an hour and my workplace will be closer. I don't know how that will work out; it might just be a repeat of the past year of my job search. But it's ok. At least I'll have some kinda job for now.

Worst case scenario at this assembly job, according to http://www.suburbancomputer.com/tips_calculator.php, I can still take home about $200 a week after taxes. Assuming that this calculator is actually accurate, I can manage. My original estimates of what I need were based on San Jose's previous minimum wage anyway. As long as the costs of rent and everything don't skyrocket over the next year, I should be able to live comfortably with savings slowly adding up. I can do this!

Oh, I gotta remember to open a bank account when I move out too. Switch to direct deposit. Oh, and Coinstar. I seriously hope that will add at least another $200 to my savings...

I'm already making plans for the future :) I'm so excited. Not necessarily plans related to finance or housing, but just life in general. All the fun stuff. I never do that. It's still so strange for me to look forward to the future. Even a little bit.

Oh, and I think my cleaning-out/organizing/reorganizing frenzy is gonna infect Mother. She wants to clean out our garage of junk, since I'm leaving. Also, some junk collecting thing is happening at the elementary school near us. I've been trying to get her to start clearing junk out. Finally! Now we'll see how easy it is for her to let go of stuff that we haven't seen in years.


Aaaanyway, childhood photos! I've totally forgotten the rest of what I was going to say for this entry. Oh well. Baby photos!

I officially have a job.

Finally!

I got an interview with Aerotek, a staffing agency. Initially, they were going to offer me a recycling center job that pays $10 an hour and has 60-hour work weeks, so lots of overtime. I think I could have done that, but that would have been extremely tiring. I'm not a night person. Working from 1 to 1 doesn't sound too fun. If I had decided to do that job, I probably would have worked from 1am to 1pm instead of 1pm to 1am. Either way, doesn't sound that great. Though, the overtime pay would have been nice.

So they offered me another job: medical device assembly. Starts on Monday. Supposedly, $8.25 an hour, or minimum wage. 32-hour weeks guaranteed. That's what the guy told me. Except I think minimum wage in Fremont is just $8.00 an hour. Oh well, I wrote $8.25 on the forms because that's what he told me.

I know that's not much money, but I just want some work experience. The money can happen later. And it's not like I'm going to spend much. The plan still is to move in with Shiva and Killol for a month or two to save money. Maybe by the time I rent my own room, I'll have a higher paying job.

I just needed a jumpstart on my official work history.

Early this morning, I actually had scheduled an interview with Domino's Pizza for a delivery driver position downtown. I was getting ready to go to that interview, but Mother got mad at me for applying for it at all. "You could get robbed! Grown men don't even want to do delivery jobs because they know they could be robbed." So I canceled the interview to calm her down, except she wouldn't calm down.

Then I received an email about a Craigslist ad I responded to. A documenting project in north San Jose for the state prison system. I replied to the email but haven't received any response since. It would pay $10 an hour. Full-time guaranteed. Job would last at least nine months. It's actually somewhat related to my degree.

Since I hadn't received any reply to that email and got a call from Aerotek, I went to the Aerotek interview. Nice people.

Anyway, I guess I'll stick with this assembly job for now. See how it works out. And if the documenting job pans out, I could just quit the assembly job and start working on the documenting job. Though, I guess I would feel bad for quitting so soon. But I hope they would understand that I had to jump at any job offers I could get. Today, Aerotek's offer was the best I could get. If the documenting job works out, then that will probably be the best offer.

So now that I officially have a job, that means I have to start filing paperwork to move out of Mother's place. Sadly, I don't get a week to do all of it. I have this weekend and the afternoons after work.

But I can't wait to finally move out. Mother is trying to convince me that I need to come home every day to eat, except that's a waste of my gas money, which I won't have very much of.

Oh man, I hope everything works out. Once I move out, I'm hoping things will get a little simpler. And I hope I'll finally find the motivation and time to do the things I want to do, like exercise. Need to start running or something. It's ridiculous how unenergetic I have become.

Since I probably won't be making that much for a while, I will probably stay in even more than I usually do. Just want to save as much as I can. Then find a really cheap room to rent. Like $300 a month. I could go without immediate access to Internet and TV.

I just want to be able to simplify my life. Simple living. Is that too much to ask for? Mother seems to think so. She thinks I'm gonna crash and burn once I leave her home. I'm so sad that she has so little faith in me. I'm so sad she still thinks I'll be just like Brother. How unfair. I'm not him. I'm not like him. I don't want her to continue to treat me like a child. I wanna live my life on my own.

Baby steps. I will get to where I want to be. I will become the person I want to be. Just need to slowly pry Mother's very strong fingers off of me.

I'm so excited. While my job might not be the most exciting news ever to someone else like Mother, I'm so happy to start working. To get started on my life away from family. I'm finally going to be productive. I just want to be happy. I want a simple and satisfying life. I feel like this job is a step in that direction, whether I have my family's full support in it or not.

I currently don't have very high aspirations--I never really did. I don't know if I ever will. But I'm not complaining. Other people might say I'm settling or I'm not trying hard enough. That's how they see it, which is fine. I don't see it like that. I don't know exactly where I want my life to go, so I can't really head in a specific direction. I'm all right with just going where life takes me. See what's offered and what opportunities I'm willing to take. I might not take the best opportunities every time, but I'm totally fine with that. As long as life treats me well and I'm happy, it's all good. Simple and satisfying, that's all I'm asking for. If I'm not struggling to survive, I'm not going to complain.

I'll be happy for the friends who make it far and reach their higher goals, and I'll be happy for the friends who just make it. And I'll also be happy for and proud of myself no matter how far I get, as long as I know we're all living well, honestly, and happily.

I've lived in SSSJ most of my life...

I grew up thinking that I lived in ESSJ until the sixth grade, but after some Internet researching, I have found that I was wrong. I've lived mostly in South San Jose ever since I was a few weeks or months old. I say mostly because there was a six-month period at the end of high school where I did live in East Side. Anyway, the neighborhood that I lived in for the early majority of my childhood was technically a part of South San Jose.

I know this is totally unimportant and so very trivial, but this just makes me feel so... I don't even know.

The past few months had found me confused and questioning the imaginary dividers of San Jose. And I finally found out what they were. Thank Wikipedia and Google Maps. So I have spent most of my life living in South San Jose but believing that I had spent a significant portion of my life in East San Jose.

If we want to argue technicalities, then ok yeah, I did spend a significant amount of time in ESSJ because of all the family friends and Vietnamese stores and restaurants in the east. But I thought my childhood homes were a part of that too. But now, I have figured out that they were not. I don't know why this bothers me as much as it does. It just does.

All the Mexican and Viet gang violence and gang members in and near my neighborhood probably threw off the easily confused little brain of mine.

-sigh- I am just so shocked... Not really haha. But it just makes realize that I thought I knew something, but it wasn't true. And I'm having a semi-serious reaction to this. I hope I don't find out that something else that I believe I know, that's way bigger than this, is also untrue. I'm not sure how I would handle that haha.