Well, I accidentally deleted my original draft for this post. That sucks.
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2019 started off well enough. I went to a couple of events and hung out with friends. I went to Gameboi in February. To be honest though, I don't really remember the beginning of this year all that well. My focus this year was on my anxiety, my fears, my health, and my relationships.
2019 shoved me to the ground and kicked me to the point that I didn't know if I was going to survive. My mind has been in dark places before, but this year found me in some of the darkest and craziest. I felt like I was losing my mind and myself. I didn't know if I would ever find my way back to normalcy. Everything felt like an endless maze that kept shifting every time I thought I was on the right track.
I used to want to escape from real life. The party life used to help me do that. Now, I don't want to escape anymore. I want to be present and to face life, but my mind keeps trying to go off into some other place I don't want to be. It happens when I expect it to; it happens when I don't expect it to. It has been a struggle. I've cried, I've hid, I've prayed, and I've frozen in fear. I've hated myself for the choices I made that led me to this point of my life.
Now, I don't hate myself. I still cry. I still pray. I try my best not to freeze when I'm scared. I'm practicing having compassion for myself. Not always successful, but I'm not so hard on myself for continuing to struggle with my thoughts and feelings. I'm not as afraid of being alone. I still struggle to fall asleep, but it's getting a little easier to fall asleep every night. I have some safety measures in place in case I start to panic, but I haven't had a strong need to use any of them in a while. It's just nice to know they're there.
I'm grateful for my friends and coworkers who've become good friends. They've given me their time, warmth, and lessons. I'm blessed to know I have their support in my darkest moments. Who knows if and how I would have survived this year without these thoughtful and caring people (and therapy)?
Therapy has opened my eyes to a lot of the issues and obsessions I've had in my life. I've grown so accustomed to them that I didn't even realize they were problems. Or if I did realize, I kinda just let myself forget about them until they built up into an uncontrollable mess that got exacerbated by my partying ways.
Talking things out with my therapist and my friends has helped a lot. Steady pressure relief. It's nice. My sense of hope has returned. I'm trying to hold on to it and do things to help it grow. I'm trying to get myself to go out a little more again. For a while, I couldn't watch movies because of my overactive imagination. I've gone to see Last Christmas, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, and Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Funny thing is the movie about Mr. Rogers probably freaked me out the most because of its realistic nature and a dream sequence it has; too reminiscent of some experiences for me.
Anyway, 2019 has led me down a foreign yet familiar path. I've had to deal with emotions and things I can't really explain, but I'm fortunate to have friends, who don't fully understand what's going on, stand beside me while I figure myself out and make changes to improve my situation. I'm relearning lessons and learning new lessons; hopefully, this time, I really keep these lessons with me and don't make the same mistakes in the future; and if I do, I hope I'm developing the strength to keep pushing myself to do better and not to feel sorry for myself.
I'm planning for a future that was always blurry to me. It still is blurry, but I'm hoping it gets clearer.
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I'm going into 2020 with some hope and plenty of friends. Hoping I'll turn hindsight into foresight. Hope into action haha.
I don't have any set plans yet. But I want to make 2020 a good year. I don't want to fuck things up again. I don't want to scare the people who care about me. I want to make better decisions. I want to take smarter risks and to take better care of myself.
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I wanted to go into more detail about this year, but accidentally deleting the draft just made me realize I don't need to focus on all of the details. I just want to focus on the journey and the progress of how I'm feeling.
Today, I feel better. And I know I can feel even better in the future. I just gotta keep putting in the effort.
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Thank you, friends, for holding my hand, holding me, and loving me when I couldn't do anything for myself. Thank you for all the goodness and strength you've shared with me. Thank you for reflecting all my goodness and strength that I couldn't see on my own.
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Sunday, June 10, 2018
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I don't necessarily think all of these are bad, per se, but when, how, and why we say them is crucial to the conversation.
If our friends aren't in the right mindset, then it's not a good time to say anything. It's good to just listen and pay attention for any warning signs. If we waste our time on unsolicited advice, we might miss some important signs. When our friends are in a better headspace and are more receptive to feedback, then we have an opportunity to add our two cents. Just remember it's our two cents, not fact.
Our word choice and body language are very important because it shows our intentions and our understanding of our friends' situations. Our demeanor shows them if we're listening or dismissive. What they think we're thinking or doing determines how much more they'll reveal to us and how much our words will sink in.
Our true intentions with our words will determine if we help or hurt our friends. Speaking out of frustration will never be helpful. Frustration is there because we want to help but we can't. We can't control our friends. We see the solution, but they don't. Or they do, but they won't follow through. We can't make them.
Speaking through encouragement (positive reinforcement) is slow and arduous, but I think it's the most helpful in most situations. It's definitely a test of our patience. But hey, we're only dealing with the problem for this moment; our friends have to deal with it almost every day alone. Tbh, if we're that frustrated with our friends, imagine how frustrated they are with themselves.
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Back to the link:
Therapists and counselors may try to get us to realize these things on our own. But there's a difference between a person who's trained to help us come to our own conclusions and a person who's just putting in their two cents on what they think our problem is.
One has built our trust, reminds us that they're coming from a place of understanding, and encourages us to take our next steps. The other doesn't necessarily make that same effort because it seems unnecessary when the message is coming from a friend. And this is why a therapist is a therapist, not a friend.
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Mental health problems suck. Sometimes, our brains know one thing, but they think the opposite; and we're so damn aware of this disconnect. Being bluntly reminded of how disconnected our brains are is irritating. "You just need to do this (i.e. take care of yourself, exercise, eat better, stop overthinking), and you won't have those problems anymore." Sometimes, it is that simple; but fun fact: It's not always that simple.
I get frustrated hearing things like that because I know it could be that simple but I don't let it be. I definitely don't feel encouraged when people say things like that to me. If anything, there's some irrational part of me that wants to do the opposite of what they say just to spite them. Or is it to spite myself? Because I fail at something that's so easy for others, I deserve to fail harder and hurt myself more. Irrational.
It's funny though. I've had conversations with friends about my issues and baggage. They offer advice. Sometimes, I ignore it. Other times, I listen. But I never take their advice immediately. It has to sit and simmer. Time has to pass before I put their advice into action. Although, if my friends bring it up again too soon, I have to let it simmer longer.
I like it when my friends don't give me direct advice. Instead, they offer suggestions. Suggestions don't have to simmer as long as advice does.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Housemate medical emergency
I need to work on my selective hearing/hearing comprehension, be more aware of my surroundings, and control my panic. It's disconcerting to realize you couldn't discern someone's call for help. It's more troubling to feel like you're thinking and moving so slowly while trying to help them.
So this morning, I got up late, rushed to get ready, and drove toward work. My car was making a weird noise whenever my car moved, and I thought something might be stuck in my wheel or fender. I stopped the car to check but didn't see anything. I decided to go back and work from home just in case I was damaging my car by driving it. On the way home, I realized the noise wasn't consistent and seemed to momentarily stop whenever there was a dip in the road. Something has to be dragging. I eventually decided to look at the undercarriage instead of just taking the car to a shop. Lo and behold, part of a tree branch was stuck, just on the inside of my right tire. I pulled it out, and the noise was gone. Since I was home and I didn't want to deal with the later traffic, I just decided to stay home.
I started my work and then took a mini break to eat breakfast. Matt and I talked for a bit in the kitchen. The homeowner's uncle talked to me a bit too. Matt went to work, and I went back to my room to do more work.
After a while, someone's voice broke my concentration. It was Alden, another housemate. Why do I hear his voice? Why is he talking so loudly? I couldn't understand what he was saying because there are at least two walls and a hallway between our rooms and we're at the opposite ends of the hallway. I assumed he was talking loudly on the phone, but his tone sounded weird. I didn't know why it sounded weird; it just did.
So I decided to walk down the hall and slowly pass by his room just to see if he was really saying anything or if I was imagining his voice. I didn't hear anything. I walked to the kitchen. As I was opening the fridge door, I thought I heard a voice again. I stopped and waited. Nothing. I closed the fridge and walked back to his door. Silence and then some mumbling.
Maybe he's sleep-talking. I waited and didn't hear anything else. I walked back to my door and waited. After hearing nothing for a while, I figured it was just sleep-talking. As I was closing my door, I heard more mumbling coming from Alden's room. And for some reason, the only word I could clearly hear in that moment was "help." I opened my door, stuck my head out, and heard more mumbling. And a very clear "ambulance." "Help" and "ambulance." I grabbed my phone and immediately walked back to his door, knocked, and asked if he was ok. He responded, but again I couldn't understand. I could only clearly hear those two words. So I told him I was opening the door.
He was lying on the floor on his stomach. He asked me to call the ambulance for him. He had fallen, couldn't get up or move, had been vomiting, and had been calling out for help. He said he'd been on the floor for an hour.
I got out my phone. I stared at it. I don't know why I stared at it. I was telling myself to call 911. I have the SJPD emergency and non-emergency numbers on my phone. I eventually got to the number and called, but it felt like I was moving in really slow stop-motion. I felt like I couldn't think or move. I could only parrot the dispatcher or Alden to give the dispatcher the pertinent information. I followed his instructions and thanked him.
I talked to Alden and let him know an ambulance was on the way. I apologized that I couldn't move him or help him get his clothes on because I didn't want to risk injuring him. I cleared the stuff around him so that the paramedics could get to him more easily.
The fire department arrived in 5-10 minutes since they're basically down the street from our neighborhood. I couldn't answer their questions because I barely know Alden. This was probably the tenth time I've ever spoken to him. So I just stood aside, waited, and listened. The uncle asked me what happened, and I told what little I knew. The guys asked Alden questions and checked his vitals.
Maybe it was the state I was in, but I felt like the lead responder wasn't very friendly. Also sounded a little condescending. Just his tone with Alden. But again, I was not in a good mindset, so maybe I misinterpreted his tone. Maybe he can't be that friendly when he's doing his job.
The ambulance arrived, and Alden was loaded in. I asked the first responder what was gonna happen now, wondering if there was anything else I needed to or could do. "What's gonna happen now? We're taking him to the hospital. That's what's happening now. After that, I don't know." I thanked him. And they left.
And that was that. They didn't take his phone or anything with them. So I'm not sure what's gonna happen from here. I hope Alden at least remembers someone's contact information.
But yeah, this was my start to the day. Since then, I've been in bed thinking and overthinking as I normally do. I'm trying to figure out why I felt like I was moving so slowly. Like I was moving through sludge. Like my brain shut down.
I'm glad I went back home. Because who knows how long he would have been on the floor before someone heard him? Who knows what would have happened? Time could have been critical. The uncle had heard him early on but assumed he was on the phone talking to someone; and the uncle was about to leave the house for a while too. I had assumed he was on the phone too, when I heard him later. But his tone just sounded off. Now, I realize his voice sounded distressed. But I couldn't pinpoint it at the time.
Anyway, I'm hoping it's not anything life-threatening :/
This really scared me. I was nearly oblivious to his calls for help. My reaction made me wonder if I'm gonna be like this every time there's an emergency. If so, how dependable can I really be, if I'm gonna panic and have to remind myself to stay focused and to move? If this had really been a time-sensitive situation, things could have been really bad.
For now, I'm trying to remind myself that I heard him and he's in a hospital. Things are okay... Now, I'm just hoping for the best.
I'm also wondering why this is affecting me so much. It feels... debilitating to think about this, but I can't help it.
So this morning, I got up late, rushed to get ready, and drove toward work. My car was making a weird noise whenever my car moved, and I thought something might be stuck in my wheel or fender. I stopped the car to check but didn't see anything. I decided to go back and work from home just in case I was damaging my car by driving it. On the way home, I realized the noise wasn't consistent and seemed to momentarily stop whenever there was a dip in the road. Something has to be dragging. I eventually decided to look at the undercarriage instead of just taking the car to a shop. Lo and behold, part of a tree branch was stuck, just on the inside of my right tire. I pulled it out, and the noise was gone. Since I was home and I didn't want to deal with the later traffic, I just decided to stay home.
I started my work and then took a mini break to eat breakfast. Matt and I talked for a bit in the kitchen. The homeowner's uncle talked to me a bit too. Matt went to work, and I went back to my room to do more work.
After a while, someone's voice broke my concentration. It was Alden, another housemate. Why do I hear his voice? Why is he talking so loudly? I couldn't understand what he was saying because there are at least two walls and a hallway between our rooms and we're at the opposite ends of the hallway. I assumed he was talking loudly on the phone, but his tone sounded weird. I didn't know why it sounded weird; it just did.
So I decided to walk down the hall and slowly pass by his room just to see if he was really saying anything or if I was imagining his voice. I didn't hear anything. I walked to the kitchen. As I was opening the fridge door, I thought I heard a voice again. I stopped and waited. Nothing. I closed the fridge and walked back to his door. Silence and then some mumbling.
Maybe he's sleep-talking. I waited and didn't hear anything else. I walked back to my door and waited. After hearing nothing for a while, I figured it was just sleep-talking. As I was closing my door, I heard more mumbling coming from Alden's room. And for some reason, the only word I could clearly hear in that moment was "help." I opened my door, stuck my head out, and heard more mumbling. And a very clear "ambulance." "Help" and "ambulance." I grabbed my phone and immediately walked back to his door, knocked, and asked if he was ok. He responded, but again I couldn't understand. I could only clearly hear those two words. So I told him I was opening the door.
He was lying on the floor on his stomach. He asked me to call the ambulance for him. He had fallen, couldn't get up or move, had been vomiting, and had been calling out for help. He said he'd been on the floor for an hour.
I got out my phone. I stared at it. I don't know why I stared at it. I was telling myself to call 911. I have the SJPD emergency and non-emergency numbers on my phone. I eventually got to the number and called, but it felt like I was moving in really slow stop-motion. I felt like I couldn't think or move. I could only parrot the dispatcher or Alden to give the dispatcher the pertinent information. I followed his instructions and thanked him.
I talked to Alden and let him know an ambulance was on the way. I apologized that I couldn't move him or help him get his clothes on because I didn't want to risk injuring him. I cleared the stuff around him so that the paramedics could get to him more easily.
The fire department arrived in 5-10 minutes since they're basically down the street from our neighborhood. I couldn't answer their questions because I barely know Alden. This was probably the tenth time I've ever spoken to him. So I just stood aside, waited, and listened. The uncle asked me what happened, and I told what little I knew. The guys asked Alden questions and checked his vitals.
Maybe it was the state I was in, but I felt like the lead responder wasn't very friendly. Also sounded a little condescending. Just his tone with Alden. But again, I was not in a good mindset, so maybe I misinterpreted his tone. Maybe he can't be that friendly when he's doing his job.
The ambulance arrived, and Alden was loaded in. I asked the first responder what was gonna happen now, wondering if there was anything else I needed to or could do. "What's gonna happen now? We're taking him to the hospital. That's what's happening now. After that, I don't know." I thanked him. And they left.
And that was that. They didn't take his phone or anything with them. So I'm not sure what's gonna happen from here. I hope Alden at least remembers someone's contact information.
But yeah, this was my start to the day. Since then, I've been in bed thinking and overthinking as I normally do. I'm trying to figure out why I felt like I was moving so slowly. Like I was moving through sludge. Like my brain shut down.
I'm glad I went back home. Because who knows how long he would have been on the floor before someone heard him? Who knows what would have happened? Time could have been critical. The uncle had heard him early on but assumed he was on the phone talking to someone; and the uncle was about to leave the house for a while too. I had assumed he was on the phone too, when I heard him later. But his tone just sounded off. Now, I realize his voice sounded distressed. But I couldn't pinpoint it at the time.
Anyway, I'm hoping it's not anything life-threatening :/
This really scared me. I was nearly oblivious to his calls for help. My reaction made me wonder if I'm gonna be like this every time there's an emergency. If so, how dependable can I really be, if I'm gonna panic and have to remind myself to stay focused and to move? If this had really been a time-sensitive situation, things could have been really bad.
For now, I'm trying to remind myself that I heard him and he's in a hospital. Things are okay... Now, I'm just hoping for the best.
I'm also wondering why this is affecting me so much. It feels... debilitating to think about this, but I can't help it.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
I hit one of my lowest points yesterday.
I hadn't felt that hopeless and lost in a really long time. I made myself be alone, locked in my room for most of the day, with the wrong intentions. I drank past the point of caution. I didn't care. I knew I was going to get sick, and I still drank more than I knew I should have. And I was tempted to go beyond that. But I couldn't. I stopped. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to die or because I couldn't move anymore.
Afterward, when I could finally move again, I made that feeling of hopelessness and being lost a real one. 9:20 PM. I drove around San Jose with the hopes that it would help me calm down and think. I went up Calaveras, parked at a lookout point, stood in the cold and windy air for an hour, and then drove down Sierra. Then I drove to my mom's house. Then I drove up Bernal to IBM. Next was to turn around and reach the other end of Bernal. And I kept going. I found my way to Quimby somehow and turned right. And I kept going. At the end of Quimby, I turned right and just drove. For 20 miles. It was dark and empty. Lots of twists and turns. Lots of ups and downs. I didn't downshift. I didn't care. I could smell my brakes burning.
After 20 miles, I stopped. I didn't know where I was. Do I keep going, or do I turn around and go home? Do I stay there until the sun comes up? The thought of me dying on this road crossed my mind several times. But I had continued to drive. But at this point, when I finally really stopped my car, I realized I hadn't died. I drove as carefully (and recklessly) as I could. I was still alive. Do I still want to be alive?
I turned my car around and drove. 27 miles later, I'm on Alum Rock, heading toward a place I could fall asleep. I came back to the house I live in. 2:23 AM.
I remember almost everything I did yesterday, but I don't remember half the things I thought. But I know they were ugly thoughts.
I need to reflect on a lot of things and clear my head and conscience. Yesterday was the lowest point I reached in years. I did a lot of stupid and careless things. I didn't reach out to anyone, even though some had offered their love and time. I shut them out. All I saw was the ground, the dirt, and nothing else. I didn't deserve their love and time yesterday.
Strangely, today, I'm looking up. Yesterday's antics... I think I just needed to get a lot of shit out of me. Probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but I already feel a little better. I'm going to feel much better. I will reach out to someone. I will depend on my friends. I will learn how to not shut my loved ones out. I will struggle with this. But I will do my best not to do this to them again.
Afterward, when I could finally move again, I made that feeling of hopelessness and being lost a real one. 9:20 PM. I drove around San Jose with the hopes that it would help me calm down and think. I went up Calaveras, parked at a lookout point, stood in the cold and windy air for an hour, and then drove down Sierra. Then I drove to my mom's house. Then I drove up Bernal to IBM. Next was to turn around and reach the other end of Bernal. And I kept going. I found my way to Quimby somehow and turned right. And I kept going. At the end of Quimby, I turned right and just drove. For 20 miles. It was dark and empty. Lots of twists and turns. Lots of ups and downs. I didn't downshift. I didn't care. I could smell my brakes burning.
After 20 miles, I stopped. I didn't know where I was. Do I keep going, or do I turn around and go home? Do I stay there until the sun comes up? The thought of me dying on this road crossed my mind several times. But I had continued to drive. But at this point, when I finally really stopped my car, I realized I hadn't died. I drove as carefully (and recklessly) as I could. I was still alive. Do I still want to be alive?
I turned my car around and drove. 27 miles later, I'm on Alum Rock, heading toward a place I could fall asleep. I came back to the house I live in. 2:23 AM.
I remember almost everything I did yesterday, but I don't remember half the things I thought. But I know they were ugly thoughts.
I need to reflect on a lot of things and clear my head and conscience. Yesterday was the lowest point I reached in years. I did a lot of stupid and careless things. I didn't reach out to anyone, even though some had offered their love and time. I shut them out. All I saw was the ground, the dirt, and nothing else. I didn't deserve their love and time yesterday.
Strangely, today, I'm looking up. Yesterday's antics... I think I just needed to get a lot of shit out of me. Probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but I already feel a little better. I'm going to feel much better. I will reach out to someone. I will depend on my friends. I will learn how to not shut my loved ones out. I will struggle with this. But I will do my best not to do this to them again.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Family Health
For the past couple of months, my family has been dealing with some health scares.
Mother's cancer may have progressed. It's been a decade. She's got a growth near the site of her mastectomy. Apparently, it's been there for a couple of years, but she never mentioned it. And no health professionals noticed because, honestly, who would think that breast cancer would show up where there's no breast? Mother finally went to the doctor's. She's been seeing various doctors. They're unsure if it's cancer or if it's just a benign growth.
The course of action appears to be chemo for eight months, surgery, and then radiation for who knows how long. She'll hear about a more definite timeline tomorrow. I think Brother is going with her.
As for Brother, he went to the ER two months ago for a sudden, persistent pain in his left eye, which worsened whenever he moved his eye. Extremely blurry vision. Inability to see distinguish the color red. Doctors determined it to be optic neuritis. They gave him steroids to help ease the pain and improve his vision. They said the vision problems and pain may come and go in the future. In trying to pinpoint the cause, they tested him for MS. Tests came back negative. They still don't know what caused it. The pain lessened, and his vision got better. They let him go home after a couple of days.
About two weeks ago, Brother went back to the emergency room for severe headaches that lasted a few weeks. He had viral meningitis. Doctors kept him in the hospital for just less than a week. Tests. Brother was irritated because that meant he couldn't work. Family had to remind him that the doctors were doing their best and he couldn't work for long if his infection prevented him from doing so anyway.
Doctors treated the meningitis. Luckily, it was determined to be not contagious. Brother still has to go back to the hospital for more tests. Doctors are still uncertain as to what caused the infection since Brother does not travel and he didn't do any of the things that the doctors said could cause viral meningitis.
Today, Brother said, even though it might not be MS, it might still be some other autoimmune disease. I know very little about autoimmune diseases, but I've heard they're not really curable but can be manageable.
So yeah, that's how part of my family is doing now.
I mentally checked out when all this happened at once. On autopilot around my family. I feel guilty about that, but I don't know what to do. I haven't been around. I don't want to think about it. But today, I checked myself back in. I've been selfish. I still want to be selfish, but I also want to support my family. So I'm trying. Matt told me I was having a fight-or-flight reaction; I immediately chose flight. I'm making myself choose the other option now.
We will deal with everything as it comes. Who knows? Maybe it won't end up too badly.
I need to try to keep myself in the real world. I have to try to not tune it out. Family stress added to work stress. I've been feeling like I can't handle anything. It's been terrifying. I felt like giving up. On what? I don't know. I just wanted to give up.
I feel better today. Finally. I just spent most of the day by myself. It was great. I'm not at 100%, but I'm much better than I was yesterday and better than how I've been the past month or so. I'm still getting a little anxious and nervous at times when I start thinking too much. But then I just try to remember that I need to take everything one step at a time and one day at a time. I need to be strong for my family. I need to be there for them.
I also need to learn how to ask for help. I thought I did. But I'm always backtracking because I don't want to bother people with my problems that aren't really my problems. I need to learn how to stop worrying and fretting so much.
Happier news: Miah is crawling and standing herself up now. She laughs and shouts more. She also only likes me sometimes :P I think I give off too much heat. She really doesn't like to be hot. Also, I haven't been around much. But I think she recognizes me when she does see me. She's also just more attached to everyone else in my family.
I should try to be around more often.
Mother's cancer may have progressed. It's been a decade. She's got a growth near the site of her mastectomy. Apparently, it's been there for a couple of years, but she never mentioned it. And no health professionals noticed because, honestly, who would think that breast cancer would show up where there's no breast? Mother finally went to the doctor's. She's been seeing various doctors. They're unsure if it's cancer or if it's just a benign growth.
The course of action appears to be chemo for eight months, surgery, and then radiation for who knows how long. She'll hear about a more definite timeline tomorrow. I think Brother is going with her.
As for Brother, he went to the ER two months ago for a sudden, persistent pain in his left eye, which worsened whenever he moved his eye. Extremely blurry vision. Inability to see distinguish the color red. Doctors determined it to be optic neuritis. They gave him steroids to help ease the pain and improve his vision. They said the vision problems and pain may come and go in the future. In trying to pinpoint the cause, they tested him for MS. Tests came back negative. They still don't know what caused it. The pain lessened, and his vision got better. They let him go home after a couple of days.
About two weeks ago, Brother went back to the emergency room for severe headaches that lasted a few weeks. He had viral meningitis. Doctors kept him in the hospital for just less than a week. Tests. Brother was irritated because that meant he couldn't work. Family had to remind him that the doctors were doing their best and he couldn't work for long if his infection prevented him from doing so anyway.
Doctors treated the meningitis. Luckily, it was determined to be not contagious. Brother still has to go back to the hospital for more tests. Doctors are still uncertain as to what caused the infection since Brother does not travel and he didn't do any of the things that the doctors said could cause viral meningitis.
Today, Brother said, even though it might not be MS, it might still be some other autoimmune disease. I know very little about autoimmune diseases, but I've heard they're not really curable but can be manageable.
So yeah, that's how part of my family is doing now.
I mentally checked out when all this happened at once. On autopilot around my family. I feel guilty about that, but I don't know what to do. I haven't been around. I don't want to think about it. But today, I checked myself back in. I've been selfish. I still want to be selfish, but I also want to support my family. So I'm trying. Matt told me I was having a fight-or-flight reaction; I immediately chose flight. I'm making myself choose the other option now.
We will deal with everything as it comes. Who knows? Maybe it won't end up too badly.
I need to try to keep myself in the real world. I have to try to not tune it out. Family stress added to work stress. I've been feeling like I can't handle anything. It's been terrifying. I felt like giving up. On what? I don't know. I just wanted to give up.
I feel better today. Finally. I just spent most of the day by myself. It was great. I'm not at 100%, but I'm much better than I was yesterday and better than how I've been the past month or so. I'm still getting a little anxious and nervous at times when I start thinking too much. But then I just try to remember that I need to take everything one step at a time and one day at a time. I need to be strong for my family. I need to be there for them.
I also need to learn how to ask for help. I thought I did. But I'm always backtracking because I don't want to bother people with my problems that aren't really my problems. I need to learn how to stop worrying and fretting so much.
Happier news: Miah is crawling and standing herself up now. She laughs and shouts more. She also only likes me sometimes :P I think I give off too much heat. She really doesn't like to be hot. Also, I haven't been around much. But I think she recognizes me when she does see me. She's also just more attached to everyone else in my family.
I should try to be around more often.
Friday, March 22, 2013
I cried at work today.
Today was full of good stuff for me. I've only been working for a week, and now I've already cried because of work.
My trainer, Angelica, had asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was tired like I have been all week. She looked at me for a while and then said that I don't eat enough. I said I eat enough. I just don't have any of my own food at home to bring with me to eat yet; I need to wait for my paycheck to come in so that I have money that I'm not saving and can spend. Angelica and a few coworkers asked me if I wanted our other coworkers to chip in to buy or bring me food every day, and I said no. That's just too nice for people to do for a stranger like me, who's probably not staying at this job for too long. Then my coworker Jaswinder asked me if I was eating dinner, and I said, "Yeah, my friend cooks for me." Haha. It's kinda true. I don't think she believed me though because she looked at me like it was a weird thing to say.
At break time, Angelica and some other coworkers bought tamales from a taco truck. Angelica saved two for me. I appreciated it. I saved one for home.
At the end of the work day, I noticed that Angelica had a whole bunch of cash on our table, but I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later after cleanup, she pulled me aside and told me that she knows I don't want any help but everybody there is very nice and really cares about each other. Then she started counting and putting the money into my hand. She also gave me a list of people's name. There was a total of nineteen coworkers who chipped in. $240 in cash. I was awestruck. Angelica had asked coworkers, some I don't even know, during her lunch break to help me out. I had a late lunch, so it was easy for her to surprise me.
So after she gave me the money and explained that everyone there cares and would like me to be ok, I just started crying. I didn't know what to say or do. I just thanked her. It felt like everything around became muted. (And it's a factory, so it's very loud in there.) She told me that even though I've only worked there for a week, she can tell that I'm a good person and a hard worker. I just cried harder.
Man, after an exhausting week, this was the perfect end to it. I came to Knightsbridge Plastics, Inc., thinking it was just a temp job and I probably wouldn't get to know people all that well. But in a week, I've talked to a handful of people who are pretty awesome. And now some of those people and others I haven't met have given me something. I don't know how to repay them. I just feel so grateful to be surrounded by such thoughtful, awesome, lovely people. Today made me realize it wouldn't be so bad to continue working here.
However, that leads me to the next good thing that happened today. The hiring manager from Randstad called me and told me that there's a possible job opening for me. I told her I could start a week from Monday, April 1; I'd like to be able to give a few days' notice to my current employer. Details haven't been finalized yet, but the chance is there. Tomoyo, the manager, just wanted to give me a head's up, in case I was still looking for work. Even though the kindness that I was given today made me feel better about working at KPI, I would still like a job that helps me save more by being closer to home or paying more. Anyway, Tomoyo said that she would call me back on Monday to let me know for sure and to let me have a few days to decide if I would like to take the job.
I don't know what I will do about the job. I'll probably take the Randstad job if it's officially offered. We'll see what happens. I might just feel kinda sad to leave all these nice friends I've started making. We don't really have any reason to talk outside of work. But who knows what will happen until I leave? Maybe I'll get some emails or numbers, and we'll all hang out. Haha probably not. Most of my coworkers are busy with work and families... But these are the kinda people I would like to be friends with. We need more people like them. I'm lucky to have met some of them.
Anyway, the rest of my day was eventful, I suppose. I went to Chase today to open a bank account. I was in such a good mood that I actually chatted with the banker who was helping me. Talking to people seemed a little easier and more fun today.
And I just realized I forgot the apartment number in my address when I was opening the bank account. Ahh, so stupid -_- It's been a while since I've had to add an apartment number to my address.
Hmm, I also visited Dexter today. Played with him for a bit. Fed him a little bit, even though I wasn't supposed to :P I smelled like wet dog when I left him. Also felt really bad that he was alone. He started whining when I was leaving /: I realize I don't know if I could handle having a dog. A cat, maybe. Dogs need a little too much attention. I'd like a pet who knows when I need to be alone and can be ok home alone.
Oh, another stupid thing I did. I almost caused a car accident on the way home from Dexter. I didn't realize the lane I was in was merging with the lane on my right. When I realized I was about to hit the car next to me, I swerved and nearly hit the car in the lane on my left -_-; I didn't see either car. I was paying attention too... I think me driving on five hours or less of sleep is hazardous. Tonight, I pass out and get at least eight hours. Hopefully.
I'm actually pretty sleepy right now. Also hungry. Waiting for Shiva and Mai to come back from food shopping to make dinner <.< I need to eventually not depend on other people for my meals.
Ooh, can't wait for the hard ciders. And beers another night. Ooh, maybe I can buy a pack... Or not. There's not much space in the fridge. And I should spend money on things I need, not want >: Maybe when I have more spending money. An occasional six-pack wouldn't be harmful or wasteful...
Ah, let the weekend begin.
My trainer, Angelica, had asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was tired like I have been all week. She looked at me for a while and then said that I don't eat enough. I said I eat enough. I just don't have any of my own food at home to bring with me to eat yet; I need to wait for my paycheck to come in so that I have money that I'm not saving and can spend. Angelica and a few coworkers asked me if I wanted our other coworkers to chip in to buy or bring me food every day, and I said no. That's just too nice for people to do for a stranger like me, who's probably not staying at this job for too long. Then my coworker Jaswinder asked me if I was eating dinner, and I said, "Yeah, my friend cooks for me." Haha. It's kinda true. I don't think she believed me though because she looked at me like it was a weird thing to say.
At break time, Angelica and some other coworkers bought tamales from a taco truck. Angelica saved two for me. I appreciated it. I saved one for home.
At the end of the work day, I noticed that Angelica had a whole bunch of cash on our table, but I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later after cleanup, she pulled me aside and told me that she knows I don't want any help but everybody there is very nice and really cares about each other. Then she started counting and putting the money into my hand. She also gave me a list of people's name. There was a total of nineteen coworkers who chipped in. $240 in cash. I was awestruck. Angelica had asked coworkers, some I don't even know, during her lunch break to help me out. I had a late lunch, so it was easy for her to surprise me.
So after she gave me the money and explained that everyone there cares and would like me to be ok, I just started crying. I didn't know what to say or do. I just thanked her. It felt like everything around became muted. (And it's a factory, so it's very loud in there.) She told me that even though I've only worked there for a week, she can tell that I'm a good person and a hard worker. I just cried harder.
Man, after an exhausting week, this was the perfect end to it. I came to Knightsbridge Plastics, Inc., thinking it was just a temp job and I probably wouldn't get to know people all that well. But in a week, I've talked to a handful of people who are pretty awesome. And now some of those people and others I haven't met have given me something. I don't know how to repay them. I just feel so grateful to be surrounded by such thoughtful, awesome, lovely people. Today made me realize it wouldn't be so bad to continue working here.
However, that leads me to the next good thing that happened today. The hiring manager from Randstad called me and told me that there's a possible job opening for me. I told her I could start a week from Monday, April 1; I'd like to be able to give a few days' notice to my current employer. Details haven't been finalized yet, but the chance is there. Tomoyo, the manager, just wanted to give me a head's up, in case I was still looking for work. Even though the kindness that I was given today made me feel better about working at KPI, I would still like a job that helps me save more by being closer to home or paying more. Anyway, Tomoyo said that she would call me back on Monday to let me know for sure and to let me have a few days to decide if I would like to take the job.
I don't know what I will do about the job. I'll probably take the Randstad job if it's officially offered. We'll see what happens. I might just feel kinda sad to leave all these nice friends I've started making. We don't really have any reason to talk outside of work. But who knows what will happen until I leave? Maybe I'll get some emails or numbers, and we'll all hang out. Haha probably not. Most of my coworkers are busy with work and families... But these are the kinda people I would like to be friends with. We need more people like them. I'm lucky to have met some of them.
Anyway, the rest of my day was eventful, I suppose. I went to Chase today to open a bank account. I was in such a good mood that I actually chatted with the banker who was helping me. Talking to people seemed a little easier and more fun today.
And I just realized I forgot the apartment number in my address when I was opening the bank account. Ahh, so stupid -_- It's been a while since I've had to add an apartment number to my address.
Hmm, I also visited Dexter today. Played with him for a bit. Fed him a little bit, even though I wasn't supposed to :P I smelled like wet dog when I left him. Also felt really bad that he was alone. He started whining when I was leaving /: I realize I don't know if I could handle having a dog. A cat, maybe. Dogs need a little too much attention. I'd like a pet who knows when I need to be alone and can be ok home alone.
Oh, another stupid thing I did. I almost caused a car accident on the way home from Dexter. I didn't realize the lane I was in was merging with the lane on my right. When I realized I was about to hit the car next to me, I swerved and nearly hit the car in the lane on my left -_-; I didn't see either car. I was paying attention too... I think me driving on five hours or less of sleep is hazardous. Tonight, I pass out and get at least eight hours. Hopefully.
I'm actually pretty sleepy right now. Also hungry. Waiting for Shiva and Mai to come back from food shopping to make dinner <.< I need to eventually not depend on other people for my meals.
Ooh, can't wait for the hard ciders. And beers another night. Ooh, maybe I can buy a pack... Or not. There's not much space in the fridge. And I should spend money on things I need, not want >: Maybe when I have more spending money. An occasional six-pack wouldn't be harmful or wasteful...
Ah, let the weekend begin.
Friday, August 31, 2012
I want to be a good friend.
I always offer my time and my shoulders to my friends. I always want to be there for them.
Some friends take what is offered. Some don't. Some take and don't even acknowledge it. Some pretend to acknowledge but overlook the good that is offered.
I suppose I can't be a good friend to everyone. Is it wrong that I do not wish to be there for and support someone who seems to overlook my friendship? I feel like I should be the "bigger" person and just be there, even though it tears at me that I'm there but they don't see it that way. They feel "forever alone." I was there. But now I don't really want to be. But I still am.
And it just hurts to be there and to feel like I can't make any difference in their life. Because I know I can't. I can only say what's on my mind. I can't change someone else's life. So I've learned to just listen, to be present, and to offer what I can offer. Still, it feels like what I do doesn't do anything. They won't take the steps to change, and I haven't been able to convince them. They're content in their misery. They're content to wallow. No matter how many words of encouragement I try to give, they won't try to help themselves. They just stay in the rut that they've made a home of.
I know what it's like to be in a place like that. I was there for the longest time. Sometimes, I feel tempted to go back. But I have friends and myself to keep me up and keep me from going back to that. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm trying to change the way I think and live. My friends have been able to make similar changes in their own lives. Their presence in my life is part of my motivation for my self-improvement.
Anyone who reminds me of where I used to be... I can empathize. That's why I do want to be there for them. I just don't think I have the patience to continue to stick around and feel useless in helping them get through tough times. I'm tired of walking on eggshells when what I have to say is something that they already know but don't want to hear.
This is how I see this friend... That's why I don't think I could be a good friend to them.
I dunno. I feel petty for thinking like this.
-sigh- Taking things in stride. Or trying to. I don't know how I'm doing.
In random news, I'm getting new glasses soon. Or rather just new (transition) lenses but in Shiva's old frames, which are new to me :P Yay, Costco. Saving money where I can. Except I don't think I saved that much -_- But yeah, should be getting them next week or the week after. Hopefully next week :)
More random news, my mom and I recently figured out that we used to know Vivi's aunt when I was a child. What a small world... Life is so full of possibilities, but we receive and take few chances. Or so it seems. Maybe we just miss the chances we wish we could have somehow seen first. A missed reconnection for Vivi's aunt and my mom. So close, yet so far...
But next week, we'll reconnect with her when we visit her at Oak Hill with flowers and apples. Buddhist ritual? I guess so.
I've noticed something about this year. I've had a lot of friends call me while crying. I mean I know it's not unusual to get those calls, but I feel like there have been so many (for me) in the past eight months. I just couldn't help but notice. A part of me feels good that my friends feel like they can turn to me in moments of such sadness and pain. But another part of me feels sad that my friends go through so much at all.
I wish I could be as strong as them. To have the strength to trust someone else during a time of vulnerability. I confide in my friends but only when the opportunity is presented or offered. I've never called a friend, not even Shiva, in any of my dark moments. I've never sought a friend when I knew I needed one. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to seek out a good friend when I need one most.
What do you think that says about me?
Some friends take what is offered. Some don't. Some take and don't even acknowledge it. Some pretend to acknowledge but overlook the good that is offered.
I suppose I can't be a good friend to everyone. Is it wrong that I do not wish to be there for and support someone who seems to overlook my friendship? I feel like I should be the "bigger" person and just be there, even though it tears at me that I'm there but they don't see it that way. They feel "forever alone." I was there. But now I don't really want to be. But I still am.
And it just hurts to be there and to feel like I can't make any difference in their life. Because I know I can't. I can only say what's on my mind. I can't change someone else's life. So I've learned to just listen, to be present, and to offer what I can offer. Still, it feels like what I do doesn't do anything. They won't take the steps to change, and I haven't been able to convince them. They're content in their misery. They're content to wallow. No matter how many words of encouragement I try to give, they won't try to help themselves. They just stay in the rut that they've made a home of.
I know what it's like to be in a place like that. I was there for the longest time. Sometimes, I feel tempted to go back. But I have friends and myself to keep me up and keep me from going back to that. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm trying to change the way I think and live. My friends have been able to make similar changes in their own lives. Their presence in my life is part of my motivation for my self-improvement.
Anyone who reminds me of where I used to be... I can empathize. That's why I do want to be there for them. I just don't think I have the patience to continue to stick around and feel useless in helping them get through tough times. I'm tired of walking on eggshells when what I have to say is something that they already know but don't want to hear.
This is how I see this friend... That's why I don't think I could be a good friend to them.
I dunno. I feel petty for thinking like this.
-sigh- Taking things in stride. Or trying to. I don't know how I'm doing.
In random news, I'm getting new glasses soon. Or rather just new (transition) lenses but in Shiva's old frames, which are new to me :P Yay, Costco. Saving money where I can. Except I don't think I saved that much -_- But yeah, should be getting them next week or the week after. Hopefully next week :)
More random news, my mom and I recently figured out that we used to know Vivi's aunt when I was a child. What a small world... Life is so full of possibilities, but we receive and take few chances. Or so it seems. Maybe we just miss the chances we wish we could have somehow seen first. A missed reconnection for Vivi's aunt and my mom. So close, yet so far...
But next week, we'll reconnect with her when we visit her at Oak Hill with flowers and apples. Buddhist ritual? I guess so.
I've noticed something about this year. I've had a lot of friends call me while crying. I mean I know it's not unusual to get those calls, but I feel like there have been so many (for me) in the past eight months. I just couldn't help but notice. A part of me feels good that my friends feel like they can turn to me in moments of such sadness and pain. But another part of me feels sad that my friends go through so much at all.
I wish I could be as strong as them. To have the strength to trust someone else during a time of vulnerability. I confide in my friends but only when the opportunity is presented or offered. I've never called a friend, not even Shiva, in any of my dark moments. I've never sought a friend when I knew I needed one. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to seek out a good friend when I need one most.
What do you think that says about me?
Monday, May 28, 2012
I'm an SJSU alum now
Rainbow Grad was Wednesday, May 23rd.
Sociology Graduation was Thursday, May 24th.
University Commencement was Saturday, May 26th.
Mother and Brother came to the Soci Grad. Brother and his girlfriend, Karina, were supposed to go to the main graduation, but they didn't make it.
I really only wanted to go to Rainbow Grad. I went to the other two because Brother convinced me that my family wanted to attend my graduation. Really, I think he was the only one who wanted to go.
Anyway, the graduations were fun--I was decked out in a lot of rainbow for the main graduation; my queerness could be seen from all corners of Spartan Stadium hahaha. This past week has been fun and exciting, but it's also had its share of anger, pessimism, and tears. It's an interesting start to my post-grad life.
I don't know how I feel. My level of excitement has been fluctuating crazily over the past few weeks. By the time graduation ceremonies started happening, I was neutral. But being surrounded by amazing friends helps alleviate the neutrality and the lows I've been experiencing.
I've been going out pretty much every day, being around many friends and just enjoying myself. I just wanted to chill with my friends before life gets busy for everyone and they all move away or something.
I watched the Avengers last Monday, took my last final last Tuesday night, attended the graduations on Wednesday and Thursday, attended Fanime for the first time on Friday, sat through Commencement on Saturday with Vivi, and cleaned out my room and hung out with my friend, Tina, yesterday.
Now the week of celebrating is over, which is fine. I still don't like going out every day. Though, I do plan to go dancing again this Friday at Fuz with Matt and Vivi. I need more stress relief.
Anyway, yeah, I'm a graduate. It's crazy. I didn't think I was gonna do it. But I did it. My family's proud and happy. So that's good.
I'm continuing my job search. I may consider using a temp agency to find work. It may come to that. That's ok. I'm not that picky. I could do anything now. I don't have a plan. I'm just going where life takes me until I figure out what I want.
I'm taking a lot of time to figure out what I want. Figuring out a lot of things. Who I am. Who I want to be. Where I want to go. How I'm going to get there. Why I'm doing what I do. If I know what I'm doing. Just a lot of things to think about and to do something about. I'm making progress, I think.
I know I'm dependent on people. I don't know how to think for myself. Or I do, but I don't act on it very well. I'm trying to become self-reliant and do things for myself and not just for others. Getting a job would help. But that's just one part of my life.
Socially, I need to buck up and be me. Know who I am when I'm with people because I know I'm different then from who I am when I'm alone. Slowly but surely, these people that I become will be one person. My friends are starting to see me as what I am. I think they are. I'm showing them more. It's terrifying, but I know it will be rewarding. I know I need to talk to them more because talking helps. I'm making progress. Sometimes, I regress, and I don't talk about things I should. Again, I'm working on it.
I've been thinking about careers. But I know I need more time to figure that out. Right now, I'm good with doing any job. I just need something to keep me busy, to give me some sort of direction, even if it's just bagging groceries or stocking shelves.
School used to be an expectation. Now that it's done, and I know I'm not going to grad school, I don't really know what to do. So a job is what I'm thinking about now. Typical.
Blah. I'm done with school. I feel like I'm in limbo -sigh- Things will work themselves out, as long as I don't give up, yeah? Yeah.
Oh yeah, btw, I have a car now. It feels nice to be able to get myself to places. Next couple of steps... get a job so that I can pay for my own gas; save money; move out; live life how I want to live. Sounds good.
My breakdown in high school... They think it was about me not getting a car. Really? I'd think they should know me well enough. That might have sparked some of my anger, but there was so much else going on. Whatever. They don't need to know.
So I just learned that the mother of a recent Independence High School graduate just died last Thursday. I don't know the family, but it's a small (Vietnamese) world. I have friends who knew the student. Is it just me, or am I hearing about a lot of death lately? Been hearing more about the deaths of Vietnamese people in the news. Or maybe it's a dramatization in my brain. Just a lot of death. Anyway, to anyone who's lost a loved one, we'll survive and we'll carry their memories with us. To those who've passed, rest in peace.
Death is inevitable. Do we ignore it? Fight it? Embrace it? What can we do?
Oh, this got depressing really fast. I should stop.
Sociology Graduation was Thursday, May 24th.
University Commencement was Saturday, May 26th.
Mother and Brother came to the Soci Grad. Brother and his girlfriend, Karina, were supposed to go to the main graduation, but they didn't make it.
I really only wanted to go to Rainbow Grad. I went to the other two because Brother convinced me that my family wanted to attend my graduation. Really, I think he was the only one who wanted to go.
Anyway, the graduations were fun--I was decked out in a lot of rainbow for the main graduation; my queerness could be seen from all corners of Spartan Stadium hahaha. This past week has been fun and exciting, but it's also had its share of anger, pessimism, and tears. It's an interesting start to my post-grad life.
I don't know how I feel. My level of excitement has been fluctuating crazily over the past few weeks. By the time graduation ceremonies started happening, I was neutral. But being surrounded by amazing friends helps alleviate the neutrality and the lows I've been experiencing.
I've been going out pretty much every day, being around many friends and just enjoying myself. I just wanted to chill with my friends before life gets busy for everyone and they all move away or something.
I watched the Avengers last Monday, took my last final last Tuesday night, attended the graduations on Wednesday and Thursday, attended Fanime for the first time on Friday, sat through Commencement on Saturday with Vivi, and cleaned out my room and hung out with my friend, Tina, yesterday.
Now the week of celebrating is over, which is fine. I still don't like going out every day. Though, I do plan to go dancing again this Friday at Fuz with Matt and Vivi. I need more stress relief.
Anyway, yeah, I'm a graduate. It's crazy. I didn't think I was gonna do it. But I did it. My family's proud and happy. So that's good.
I'm continuing my job search. I may consider using a temp agency to find work. It may come to that. That's ok. I'm not that picky. I could do anything now. I don't have a plan. I'm just going where life takes me until I figure out what I want.
I'm taking a lot of time to figure out what I want. Figuring out a lot of things. Who I am. Who I want to be. Where I want to go. How I'm going to get there. Why I'm doing what I do. If I know what I'm doing. Just a lot of things to think about and to do something about. I'm making progress, I think.
I know I'm dependent on people. I don't know how to think for myself. Or I do, but I don't act on it very well. I'm trying to become self-reliant and do things for myself and not just for others. Getting a job would help. But that's just one part of my life.
Socially, I need to buck up and be me. Know who I am when I'm with people because I know I'm different then from who I am when I'm alone. Slowly but surely, these people that I become will be one person. My friends are starting to see me as what I am. I think they are. I'm showing them more. It's terrifying, but I know it will be rewarding. I know I need to talk to them more because talking helps. I'm making progress. Sometimes, I regress, and I don't talk about things I should. Again, I'm working on it.
I've been thinking about careers. But I know I need more time to figure that out. Right now, I'm good with doing any job. I just need something to keep me busy, to give me some sort of direction, even if it's just bagging groceries or stocking shelves.
School used to be an expectation. Now that it's done, and I know I'm not going to grad school, I don't really know what to do. So a job is what I'm thinking about now. Typical.
Blah. I'm done with school. I feel like I'm in limbo -sigh- Things will work themselves out, as long as I don't give up, yeah? Yeah.
Oh yeah, btw, I have a car now. It feels nice to be able to get myself to places. Next couple of steps... get a job so that I can pay for my own gas; save money; move out; live life how I want to live. Sounds good.
My breakdown in high school... They think it was about me not getting a car. Really? I'd think they should know me well enough. That might have sparked some of my anger, but there was so much else going on. Whatever. They don't need to know.
So I just learned that the mother of a recent Independence High School graduate just died last Thursday. I don't know the family, but it's a small (Vietnamese) world. I have friends who knew the student. Is it just me, or am I hearing about a lot of death lately? Been hearing more about the deaths of Vietnamese people in the news. Or maybe it's a dramatization in my brain. Just a lot of death. Anyway, to anyone who's lost a loved one, we'll survive and we'll carry their memories with us. To those who've passed, rest in peace.
Death is inevitable. Do we ignore it? Fight it? Embrace it? What can we do?
Oh, this got depressing really fast. I should stop.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Repeating myself over and over...
Feels like it anyway. And I really wish I could come up with a creative title. But sadly, I just can't -_- I wish I would blog about not-sad stuff. But I'm wallowing in self-pity, I suppose. I try not to, but it happens. I'm working on it. Seriously, I'm not just saying that. I'm sure I need help, but I don't know how you could help >_> sooo yeah. You just get to read :P and it's all good :) Knowing someone cares enough to read helps. Yep...
My brain feels all jumbled. Music playing all day long. Even when the radio isn't on, when the iPod isn't on. Some songs are stuck on repeat.
I don't want to keep listening to the same songs over and over. But I do anyway.
I've tried to listen to other songs, happier ones, but it was futile. I would just go back to listening to the not-so-happy songs.
"Stop This Song (Lovesick Melody)" by Paramore
"Doesn't Remind Me" by Audioslave
"Stuck On You" by Paramore
"Rain" by Breaking Benjamin
"Crying" by Sugarcult
"Always" by Saliva
"Pray Forgive Me These Mistakes" by Sherwood
"For The Longest Time" by Sherwood
"Save Me" by Unwritten Law
"Perfect" by Simple Plan
"When I'm Gone" by Simple Plan
"Bury My Head" by Kate Walsh
"Car Underwater" by Armor For Sleep
"Adam's Song" by Blink 182
"Doin' Just Fine" by Magnetic North
I can't even relate to half of these songs, but they just fit my mood -_-
I should go drive alone. As I've said before, when I'm driving alone, I just listen to Owl City and Josh Groban. Happy music. Mellow music. Less sad thinking. Or maybe more, but I can stand it then.
You know, I think it's stupid when people argue over the meaning of a song. Especially those songs that may be about love or about God. Regardless of the songwriter's intended meaning, we all give our own discrete meanings to the song when we listen to it. Our own experiences shape our perspective. Our perspective obviously molds our interpretations of things. People need to let it go. Not everyone's going to agree with your interpretation or opinion on everything.
I also feel like some people are just so unsympathetic. The other day, Brother asked me why I kept listening to such sad songs, sad love songs. So emo or whatever. Not like I've gone through anything that bad that I feel the need to listen to these songs.
Well, one, I don't have many songs that fit into my current mood/situation perfectly. Sad love songs come closest, I suppose. Two, if I listened to the other sad songs, would it make a difference? They're still sad. I'm feeling down, so the music fits even if the words don't necessarily do. Three, music is music. Doesn't matter if I'm listening to Simple Plan, 112, or TaeYang. If their song feels like the song to listen to at that point in time, I'm gonna fuckin' listen to it then.
Ah, I'm not angry. Just trying to explain how I'm thinking. I wish I could explain it to the people who don't listen, but I can't. So I'm doing it here.. Sorry.
Hm, I find it ignorant to dislike musicians because their faith as well. Yeah, their faith may influence their music. So what? They're not trying to convert you. Though, if their song is catchy enough, who knows? I listen to Christian-labeled (labeled, as in listeners say so) music: Switchfoot, Sixpence None The Richer, The Fray, Project 86, Anberlin, Underoath, Lifehouse, Cool Hand Luke, Relient K, etc etc. All good music to my ears. I've been dissed for liking them because of their Christian background and all. And you know what? I don't care, as long as people didn't really intend to insult me when they didn't know me.
I dunno. I just don't get it. People don't like a music artist for whatever reason, fine. Why do they feel a need to insult anyone who disagrees? Why do they need to put down the music artist? What does that do really, other than annoy people or put them on the defensive?
Blahdkjfaljffft. I need to stop thinking about such non-happy things -____- This is hard.. I'm not even talking about what I'm really thinking about. Friggin' weaksauce.
Ugh. My head T-T needs to stop going and stopping. Stopping and going. It hurts.
I need to stop complaining. Damn it..
Three weeks have passed since semester ended. Another three until Spring semester starts. Ahh, maan, I can't believe half of my break is already gone. At least it hasn't been completely wasted. I actually kinda can't wait for school to start again. Being home just sucks the life outta me. The most productive I can be at home is when I have to assemble something for Mother or when I blog haha. When school starts, homework will make me feel productive hopefully.
Mm, so in between songs on the radio station in my head, I watched "Turistas" and "Coraline" today.
"Turistas" is somewhat along the same line as "Hostel." Aside from the "Oh shit, that sucks for them" attitude, my sympathy level during the movie was minimal. At most, I could say that I felt scared for the main characters because I thought about how much it would suck if that shit happened to me. Mm hm, and you don't really get to see much of the bad guys. Like you see them, but you don't really learn much about them, except that they don't like gringos. And I have to say the one scene with the surgery was pretty good. Somewhat methodical, I like. All the other scenes that had blood in it were eh... typical action movie stuff with guns and a chase. I was disappointed by that. I thought there would be more disembowelment XP "Turistas" is not a thriller or horror. To me, it's more of an action film with little nudity, a slow plot, and a poorly executed climax haha. 6/10. I wouldn't watch it again unless I just wanted to stare at Melissa George and Olivia Wilde haha. But even then, nah. Though, the water looks amazing :D
"Coraline" was interesting. I remember Madame saying she liked the movie, and so did her grandkids :P I would give it a 7/10. I thought the movie was going to be creepier than it actually was, but it was still good. I couldn't figure out why not everyone on the other side of the door was strictly good or strictly evil. I guess people are still allowed to choose sides in fantasy worlds, hm. And I want to know where the other world came from. Why are the other people the way they are? Does she really want to love a child or what? I don't get it >_> And why is it the mom? Soo many questions. I'm not thinking it through though. And I'm also quite sad about the ending. No one really learns anything. Well, except Coraline, of course. You should never take your family for granted.
Really, you shouldn't take anyone for granted. Yeaah. Maybe I'll expound this thought another time. Hmm.
You know, I like that Blogspot lets you schedule the posting of entries. So convenient sometimes. Mm hmm. Like I've been slowly adding stuff to this entry all day. Scheduled for midnight. I did this so I wouldn't spend several hours on the computer just to write about a bunch of different things and then wanting to edit them. Even though, I ended up not writing about much, I think. And I got to remember things I wanted to write about. Though, I decided not to write about those things :P
And I know. I've been updating about unimportant things. I just don't know what else to blog about, but I want to blog about something, anything, boring things. Even if I don't like that I'm rambling. Ah, rambling. I remember when I could do that in person. Hm. Alas, the audience...
I'll finish that thought some other time... Not that it really matters anyway.
Oh yeah, I totally forgot to mention this in yesterday's blog: When Autumn, Cristina, Harrison, and I were walking back to Autumn's from San Carlos, a black dude on a bicycle stopped us to ask for directions. He was looking for a place that starts with an "H," but he couldn't remember the whole name. So Autumn tried to help him out. She mentioned something about a place that starts with the word "Historical." Then the guy said something like "Oh, I remember the name now. I'm actually looking for a place called Heaven, and I thought I'd ask you three beautiful ladies because y'all must be angels." I smiled, Autumn laughed, and Cristina apparently looked dumbstruck haha. Harrison just stood behind us and stared. The guy rode away on his bike, laughing and saying, "God bless you." After that, we were like, "Who hits on a girl and then says 'God bless you'?" haha Cristina was disappointed that the guy wasn't hot :P
There was also something about "llamas" and "lamas." Had nothing to do with the guy on the bike. It was way before that, when the sun was still out. But it was hilarious >_> Yay for silly misunderstandings.
Yeah, fun memories haha.
My brain feels all jumbled. Music playing all day long. Even when the radio isn't on, when the iPod isn't on. Some songs are stuck on repeat.
I don't want to keep listening to the same songs over and over. But I do anyway.
I've tried to listen to other songs, happier ones, but it was futile. I would just go back to listening to the not-so-happy songs.
"Stop This Song (Lovesick Melody)" by Paramore
"Doesn't Remind Me" by Audioslave
"Stuck On You" by Paramore
"Rain" by Breaking Benjamin
"Crying" by Sugarcult
"Always" by Saliva
"Pray Forgive Me These Mistakes" by Sherwood
"For The Longest Time" by Sherwood
"Save Me" by Unwritten Law
"Perfect" by Simple Plan
"When I'm Gone" by Simple Plan
"Bury My Head" by Kate Walsh
"Car Underwater" by Armor For Sleep
"Adam's Song" by Blink 182
"Doin' Just Fine" by Magnetic North
I can't even relate to half of these songs, but they just fit my mood -_-
I should go drive alone. As I've said before, when I'm driving alone, I just listen to Owl City and Josh Groban. Happy music. Mellow music. Less sad thinking. Or maybe more, but I can stand it then.
You know, I think it's stupid when people argue over the meaning of a song. Especially those songs that may be about love or about God. Regardless of the songwriter's intended meaning, we all give our own discrete meanings to the song when we listen to it. Our own experiences shape our perspective. Our perspective obviously molds our interpretations of things. People need to let it go. Not everyone's going to agree with your interpretation or opinion on everything.
I also feel like some people are just so unsympathetic. The other day, Brother asked me why I kept listening to such sad songs, sad love songs. So emo or whatever. Not like I've gone through anything that bad that I feel the need to listen to these songs.
Well, one, I don't have many songs that fit into my current mood/situation perfectly. Sad love songs come closest, I suppose. Two, if I listened to the other sad songs, would it make a difference? They're still sad. I'm feeling down, so the music fits even if the words don't necessarily do. Three, music is music. Doesn't matter if I'm listening to Simple Plan, 112, or TaeYang. If their song feels like the song to listen to at that point in time, I'm gonna fuckin' listen to it then.
Ah, I'm not angry. Just trying to explain how I'm thinking. I wish I could explain it to the people who don't listen, but I can't. So I'm doing it here.. Sorry.
Hm, I find it ignorant to dislike musicians because their faith as well. Yeah, their faith may influence their music. So what? They're not trying to convert you. Though, if their song is catchy enough, who knows? I listen to Christian-labeled (labeled, as in listeners say so) music: Switchfoot, Sixpence None The Richer, The Fray, Project 86, Anberlin, Underoath, Lifehouse, Cool Hand Luke, Relient K, etc etc. All good music to my ears. I've been dissed for liking them because of their Christian background and all. And you know what? I don't care, as long as people didn't really intend to insult me when they didn't know me.
I dunno. I just don't get it. People don't like a music artist for whatever reason, fine. Why do they feel a need to insult anyone who disagrees? Why do they need to put down the music artist? What does that do really, other than annoy people or put them on the defensive?
Blahdkjfaljffft. I need to stop thinking about such non-happy things -____- This is hard.. I'm not even talking about what I'm really thinking about. Friggin' weaksauce.
Ugh. My head T-T needs to stop going and stopping. Stopping and going. It hurts.
I need to stop complaining. Damn it..
Three weeks have passed since semester ended. Another three until Spring semester starts. Ahh, maan, I can't believe half of my break is already gone. At least it hasn't been completely wasted. I actually kinda can't wait for school to start again. Being home just sucks the life outta me. The most productive I can be at home is when I have to assemble something for Mother or when I blog haha. When school starts, homework will make me feel productive hopefully.
Mm, so in between songs on the radio station in my head, I watched "Turistas" and "Coraline" today.
"Turistas" is somewhat along the same line as "Hostel." Aside from the "Oh shit, that sucks for them" attitude, my sympathy level during the movie was minimal. At most, I could say that I felt scared for the main characters because I thought about how much it would suck if that shit happened to me. Mm hm, and you don't really get to see much of the bad guys. Like you see them, but you don't really learn much about them, except that they don't like gringos. And I have to say the one scene with the surgery was pretty good. Somewhat methodical, I like. All the other scenes that had blood in it were eh... typical action movie stuff with guns and a chase. I was disappointed by that. I thought there would be more disembowelment XP "Turistas" is not a thriller or horror. To me, it's more of an action film with little nudity, a slow plot, and a poorly executed climax haha. 6/10. I wouldn't watch it again unless I just wanted to stare at Melissa George and Olivia Wilde haha. But even then, nah. Though, the water looks amazing :D
"Coraline" was interesting. I remember Madame saying she liked the movie, and so did her grandkids :P I would give it a 7/10. I thought the movie was going to be creepier than it actually was, but it was still good. I couldn't figure out why not everyone on the other side of the door was strictly good or strictly evil. I guess people are still allowed to choose sides in fantasy worlds, hm. And I want to know where the other world came from. Why are the other people the way they are? Does she really want to love a child or what? I don't get it >_> And why is it the mom? Soo many questions. I'm not thinking it through though. And I'm also quite sad about the ending. No one really learns anything. Well, except Coraline, of course. You should never take your family for granted.
Really, you shouldn't take anyone for granted. Yeaah. Maybe I'll expound this thought another time. Hmm.
You know, I like that Blogspot lets you schedule the posting of entries. So convenient sometimes. Mm hmm. Like I've been slowly adding stuff to this entry all day. Scheduled for midnight. I did this so I wouldn't spend several hours on the computer just to write about a bunch of different things and then wanting to edit them. Even though, I ended up not writing about much, I think. And I got to remember things I wanted to write about. Though, I decided not to write about those things :P
And I know. I've been updating about unimportant things. I just don't know what else to blog about, but I want to blog about something, anything, boring things. Even if I don't like that I'm rambling. Ah, rambling. I remember when I could do that in person. Hm. Alas, the audience...
I'll finish that thought some other time... Not that it really matters anyway.
Oh yeah, I totally forgot to mention this in yesterday's blog: When Autumn, Cristina, Harrison, and I were walking back to Autumn's from San Carlos, a black dude on a bicycle stopped us to ask for directions. He was looking for a place that starts with an "H," but he couldn't remember the whole name. So Autumn tried to help him out. She mentioned something about a place that starts with the word "Historical." Then the guy said something like "Oh, I remember the name now. I'm actually looking for a place called Heaven, and I thought I'd ask you three beautiful ladies because y'all must be angels." I smiled, Autumn laughed, and Cristina apparently looked dumbstruck haha. Harrison just stood behind us and stared. The guy rode away on his bike, laughing and saying, "God bless you." After that, we were like, "Who hits on a girl and then says 'God bless you'?" haha Cristina was disappointed that the guy wasn't hot :P
There was also something about "llamas" and "lamas." Had nothing to do with the guy on the bike. It was way before that, when the sun was still out. But it was hilarious >_> Yay for silly misunderstandings.
Yeah, fun memories haha.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I need help, but I don't want help.
I have a lot of trouble asking for help. Especially in school. Especially with math or English. I've never really felt comfortable with asking for help. It makes me feel like I'm inadequate. It's a feeling that I try to avoid as much as I can (lazily). I want to do things on my own, just so I know I'm not completely useless. And if I fail, it's because I didn't get the proper knowledge. It can't be all my fault.
But I know it's always my fault. I'm the one who chooses to not get help and therefore limit my abilities. I know. I'm just stuck with the "never try, never fail" mindset.
I handicap myself.
Never try, never fail. I'm sure some people consider that to be a failure within itself. I'm not sure I agree, but what does it really matter? I don't want to fail. The possibility of failure is probably the reason why I don't "live life to the fullest." I can think about doing that all I want, but it's not going to happen any time soon. I'm not giving myself the chance. Why won't I just take a chance?
So I'm in college. Many of my friends are in college. Many of them are living outside of San Jose. Obviously, less family influence and more, new friendships. New hobbies and whatnot. A few people have become dancers and/or joined dance crews. Some started during high school; others in college. I've gotten used to Ariane performing. Now, I'm getting used to the thought of Alex D, Kat, Brian, and possibly more friends seriously dancing/breaking. I don't know. It's just new to me.
In high school, I kinda felt like many of us didn't do too much, aside from school stuff. Now, they do more. I'm still same old, same old.
I don't remember where this was going. Just want to say I'm proud of my friends and I wish I could have been there. I guess I just feel left behind..
I need to get lost in something. I need to get lost. I am lost. Ahh. I'm losing my words.
...
But I know it's always my fault. I'm the one who chooses to not get help and therefore limit my abilities. I know. I'm just stuck with the "never try, never fail" mindset.
I handicap myself.
Never try, never fail. I'm sure some people consider that to be a failure within itself. I'm not sure I agree, but what does it really matter? I don't want to fail. The possibility of failure is probably the reason why I don't "live life to the fullest." I can think about doing that all I want, but it's not going to happen any time soon. I'm not giving myself the chance. Why won't I just take a chance?
So I'm in college. Many of my friends are in college. Many of them are living outside of San Jose. Obviously, less family influence and more, new friendships. New hobbies and whatnot. A few people have become dancers and/or joined dance crews. Some started during high school; others in college. I've gotten used to Ariane performing. Now, I'm getting used to the thought of Alex D, Kat, Brian, and possibly more friends seriously dancing/breaking. I don't know. It's just new to me.
In high school, I kinda felt like many of us didn't do too much, aside from school stuff. Now, they do more. I'm still same old, same old.
I don't remember where this was going. Just want to say I'm proud of my friends and I wish I could have been there. I guess I just feel left behind..
I need to get lost in something. I need to get lost. I am lost. Ahh. I'm losing my words.
...
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