I want to be a good friend.

I always offer my time and my shoulders to my friends. I always want to be there for them.

Some friends take what is offered. Some don't. Some take and don't even acknowledge it. Some pretend to acknowledge but overlook the good that is offered.

I suppose I can't be a good friend to everyone. Is it wrong that I do not wish to be there for and support someone who seems to overlook my friendship? I feel like I should be the "bigger" person and just be there, even though it tears at me that I'm there but they don't see it that way. They feel "forever alone." I was there. But now I don't really want to be. But I still am.

And it just hurts to be there and to feel like I can't make any difference in their life. Because I know I can't. I can only say what's on my mind. I can't change someone else's life. So I've learned to just listen, to be present, and to offer what I can offer. Still, it feels like what I do doesn't do anything. They won't take the steps to change, and I haven't been able to convince them. They're content in their misery. They're content to wallow. No matter how many words of encouragement I try to give, they won't try to help themselves. They just stay in the rut that they've made a home of.

I know what it's like to be in a place like that. I was there for the longest time. Sometimes, I feel tempted to go back. But I have friends and myself to keep me up and keep me from going back to that. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm trying to change the way I think and live. My friends have been able to make similar changes in their own lives. Their presence in my life is part of my motivation for my self-improvement.

Anyone who reminds me of where I used to be... I can empathize. That's why I do want to be there for them. I just don't think I have the patience to continue to stick around and feel useless in helping them get through tough times. I'm tired of walking on eggshells when what I have to say is something that they already know but don't want to hear.

This is how I see this friend... That's why I don't think I could be a good friend to them.

I dunno. I feel petty for thinking like this.

-sigh- Taking things in stride. Or trying to. I don't know how I'm doing.


In random news, I'm getting new glasses soon. Or rather just new (transition) lenses but in Shiva's old frames, which are new to me :P Yay, Costco. Saving money where I can. Except I don't think I saved that much -_- But yeah, should be getting them next week or the week after. Hopefully next week :)
 

More random news, my mom and I recently figured out that we used to know Vivi's aunt when I was a child. What a small world... Life is so full of possibilities, but we receive and take few chances. Or so it seems. Maybe we just miss the chances we wish we could have somehow seen first. A missed reconnection for Vivi's aunt and my mom. So close, yet so far...

But next week, we'll reconnect with her when we visit her at Oak Hill with flowers and apples. Buddhist ritual? I guess so.


I've noticed something about this year. I've had a lot of friends call me while crying. I mean I know it's not unusual to get those calls, but I feel like there have been so many (for me) in the past eight months. I just couldn't help but notice. A part of me feels good that my friends feel like they can turn to me in moments of such sadness and pain. But another part of me feels sad that my friends go through so much at all.

I wish I could be as strong as them. To have the strength to trust someone else during a time of vulnerability. I confide in my friends but only when the opportunity is presented or offered. I've never called a friend, not even Shiva, in any of my dark moments. I've never sought a friend when I knew I needed one. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to seek out a good friend when I need one most.

What do you think that says about me?

Happy Friday the 13th.

I was going to go watch a movie today with Claudia G and her friends, but it turned out that I didn't have a ride -_- What luck.


I just read a few articles about the Flight 3407 crash in New York last night. Tragedy. 49 people on the plane and a man on the ground were killed. The man was in his house with his wife and daughter. The ladies got out safely.

Is it just me or are we starting to hear a lot more about plane crashes lately? Ok, maybe not more. But I mean, the Flight 1549 fall was a "miracle," but that happened just a month ago. The short span of time in between is a little unnerving. Apparently, the last deadly commercial plane crash was in 2006. Two years. There's a big perceived difference between 2 years and 1 month. Obviously, it doesn't affect the chances, but it still scares people more when two airplanes fall within a small period of time.

Still, people have estimated the chances of dying in a plane crash to be about 1 in 11 million, or so I've heard. Such a round number, don't you think? I wonder how people got to this probability. Again, I'm thinking, "Ok. I've got numbers, but they won't protect me from my chances of dying." But hey, if numbers make you feel safe, then stick to the numbers.

Ah, there was also an article in which two would-be 3407 passengers were interviewed about their "close call." Yes, it's great they didn't get on the plane and die. They should be grateful to be alive, as should everyone else every day, right? Riight. It's not luck; it's chance.

Every time I hear people say they were lucky or something like that, I just want to shake them and say, "You were lucky for a moment, not a lifetime." For all we know, we could survive something one minute and die from something else the next. Not very (good) lucky. Bad luck, right? Good and bad luck can fluctuate so easily, whether you're a good person. No. I don't think so. It's not luck.

Luck has lost its meaning to me. I still try to remember what it used to mean to me: "increased" chances of something (good or bad) happening. But what does that matter? We wish people luck (mostly good, I hope) all the time. Does an explicit sentence of goodwill really increase another person's chances of doing better or getting something good? I don't know maybe. If only the world really worked that way. We'd be getting what we want based on the number of good friends we have and good people we meet, who really do wish the best for us. What a great life that would be.

Now, why did I start talking about luck again? Hmm. Oh yeah, I don't really know, but I get confused by people sometimes. Now, I'm not going to diss religion. I'm actually going to diss the believers.

Why do some people thank God for their good fortunes but blame themselves or other people for their misfortunes? I think God, if he exists, should receive either both blame and praise or neither. Believers make their God seem so arrogant. He only deserves praise? Really? Not much better than some people here on Earth.

And if you are so lucky and loved by God, what about the other people who don't live long enough to thank him? Are they not as lucky or as loved? You really think you're better than them? When people say things like "God was watching over me," it makes me wonder why he didn't watch over the others. So it seems like he doesn't control death, but he can negotiate your life. Hmm. What makes you so much more important to him than other people?

I used to believe in God. Not the religious, by-the-Bible kind of God. Just a god, a somebody to talk to when I was younger, who would know my problems without making me explain everything. It would just understand, be there for me, and help me make the "right" decisions. Sometimes, it would be in my head; other times, in my books or my pillow. Maybe, it would be an imaginary friend. I don't talk to it as much anymore. Of course, a nonbeliever could just say that I've been talking to myself all these years. Who knows? Maybe I was a very imaginative and creative child with a split personality that "faded" away. The point is God was somebody I talked to, not someone who controlled my life.

What I realized over the past few years of my life is that there's a difference between the God people want and the God that people need. The one we want is one to make the rules, to tell us what we should and shouldn't do, and to look up to. Or maybe that was Christ. Sorry, I used to confuse the two until about the 7th grade when I heard that Jesus was supposed to be the son of God. Yeah, I got it, but I still forget who was supposed to do what sometimes.

Anyway, the God we need is one whom we can talk to and reason with. Obviously, it's going to be a one-sided argument. But its "presence" is supposed to reassure us that we are doing and will do well in our lives. It will always listen without judging us. However, apparently, God does judge us, so hmm, maybe I've been talking to the wrong god.


Ah, I need to work on my self-expression, especially in words. I need to remember what I want to say. There's no "ending" to that^ because I forgot. So I'm just going to leave it at that haha.

Oh, so another topic from my newspaper puzzle page: either capital punishment or abortion clinics. Oh, or American freedom. Hmm. Some controversial stuff, yeah?


Capital punishment. I didn't know what that was until maybe my sophomore year in high school. I heard it all the time, but I never asked what it was. I knew what death penalty and execution meant. I mean, I watched a lot of movies, so I had to catch on. And I didn't learn what capital punishment was from my teachers either. I learned it from TV. Primarily, "Law and Order." Great show, btw.

Anyway, do I support or oppose capital punishment? I'm not 100& sure of it, but for now I support it. Why? Vindication. Murderers and serial killers might not have done anything to me personally, but that doesn't mean I don't think they deserve a death sentence. A life for a life, right? It's the law's version of saying "an eye for eye." What's the purpose of capital punishment? To prevent future threats. Obviously, it's not going to prevent or reduce all crimes. Petty thieves won't be affected. Killers will become more adept at killing and hiding. But it's a "civilized" person's way of seeking revenge. It's difficult to think that someone you know is dead because of a person and that person it still alive. So if their death can soothe a mourner, then soothe away. Right?

Besides, it's a punishment. That's what punishment is for: to dissuade people from doing things and to penalize them for doing things. A jail sentence just means they're locked away and being either "catered" to or harrassed by guards and correctional officers. Hmm, the death penalty is, well, a penalty. Of course, it's not going to have a long-lasting effect on the punished, but it will be a permanent solution. Though, I'm not sure if it's a solution. It's still just a preventative measure. And vengeance.

Hah, I should talk about vigilantism. Now, there's some crazy vengeance for ya.


Now, I'm not sure I want to say anything about abortion. Whether women should be allowed to have abortions is an issue that I tend to flip flop on a lot. Fetus, baby, unborn child, product of conception, whatever names we use... It's hard to decide. And I know, don't flip flop and choose a side. People give me shit for it. Well, sorry, geez. It's not a decision I can make on the spot. I like to think things through before I blindly commit to something.

This argument basically pits the right to choose against the right to live. A woman's right versus a fetus' life. For the sake of consistency, I'm going to use the term "fetus." "Baby" sways us toward one side, while "product of conception" leaves us open to the other.

3 debatable parts: Is the fetus a living human being? Does it have the same rights as a born person? If so, whose rights are more important, the mother's or the child's?

I think we can all agree that a woman has the right to abort when her life is in danger and there is little to no chance of the fetus surviving. Right? Or are we going to argue about the relative importance of both lives as well? And I know that people are divided about rape victims having abortions (unless it was incestuous rape).

Ok, so the crucial point of this issue is whether the fetus is considered a being in the womb. If it's alive, then abortion is murder. If it's not, then abortion should be ok because it's just a part of a woman's body. In the womb, the fetus develops its structure (nails, eyes, heart, etc). I'm not sure if the fetus breathes, but I know it can move. Some could argue that the fetus is only some living tissue within a woman. It might have its own DNA, but it can't think for itself. Hmm.

Does a fetus have rights? I mean, in the US, we say every American has the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Does a fetus on American territory have those rights given to us in the Declaration of Independence? Is it a citizen? Well, a baby becomes a citizen in the country in which it is born, not conceived. Its name isn't officially on a birth certificate until it is born. So, by law, it's not considered a citizen yet. At least not on paper. But if a mother aborts, does that mean she denies the fetus its right to become a citizen and therefore denies its rights to those written rights? Oh, so confusing.

Whose rights are more important? I'm not gonna detail all the possible reasons a woman would abort. There's too many possibles. So, who has the primary right? What is the primary right, if any? We pretty much consider every right to be equal in weight (probably why these kinds of issues are so difficult to deal with). The woman is a citizen. The fetus may or may not be considered a citizen. I'm not sure I could reason this part out. So I say, "?"

Also, I do hope people know that banning abortion won't stop abortions from happening. Just because something's illegal doesn't mean it's not gonna happen. We have laws against murder. There are still murders happening in every state. If abortion is completely banned, some women probably will resort to desperate measures to abort.

And yeah, there's the adoption option, but it's not always an appealing one. I'm not going into it though. Too much about it that I'm sure I don't know.

I'm not even going to get into whether the father has a say or not. That just complicates this issue, and it's also its own separate issue. It's like the product of abortion and custody issues. And that can get ugly.

And why do we call it an abortion? Gosh, sounds like we're quitting a computer program or something, but I guess it is technically an appropriate term. A premature termination. Mm.


The freedom thing will come another time. Maybe. Well, I basically wanted to say that "freedom isn't free" is a good quote. It can mean a lot of things, but we know what it means to each of us. When born, we have "human rights." I'm not sure, but our "human rights" have been determined by the higher council. Ultimately, though, I think human rights in essence are our rights to do whatever we want, can, and choose. But to be defined as "human," we give up the right to murder in order to keep the right to live. Being citizens of a nation, we give up rights to trespass and to steal for the rights to have privacy and to keep our possessions. We give up some rights to keep other rights in tact. Of course, we know some people don't live by "our rules" and live by their own. Yada yada yada. I'll continue some other time. Maybe.


^All opinion. Mostly not completely developed. I need to do some more reading, listening and learning about the topics.

Let's protest everything!

In recent years, I've been paying more and more attention to the different protests held around the nation and even the rest of the world.

You can protest just about anything as long as you can get a small group of supporters together. The enthusiasm is bound to spread.

My mom just told me about a teachers' protest down in So Cal. Interesting. Many teachers have been laid off, and so they are protesting. Yep.

I don't get it. What's it gonna do? All this protesting. Yeah, it gets people's attention. Though, I think everyone already knew about the financial problems and their effects on schools, communities and such. I know. I've noticed. You can't really protest against the people who stopped paying you to make them start paying you when they have no money. Not like they're going to give you imaginary money or IOUs. But I think I did hear about the state government handing out IOUs to their employees. Something about taxes. I didn't really clear that up when I heard about it.

Anyway, 2009, everything seems like it's gonna go to hell this year. My mom thinks so. Predictions have it that there's going to be a lot of death and pain. Not that prior years haven't had enough death and pain already. This year, it will be more noticeable and painful.

Whatever happens happens. We do what we can and will. The outcomes will come when they come. We can't pretend to be lucky or unlucky. Things will just happen, and we have to try to take them in stride.


Hm, so I believe in chance, not luck. Chance, everyone has an "equal" chance. Anything can happen. If it happens to someone, then it just so happens to be then and there. It's not because he or she is a certain person. Luck has become so subjective. People think that a person gets all the good stuff just because he is who he is. I don't believe it. Anyone and everyone has the same chances to have or get something.

Yeah, we can talk probability. But probability is just numbers, maybes and mostlys. I tell you that 1 out of 500 people have a certain disease. So, what are your chances of having this certain disease? 0.2%? Really? How do we know it's only 1 out of 500? What if you do have it? What are your chances now? Do you still think it's 0.2%?

I feel like percentages and probabilities help people delude themselves sometimes. Either you become a statistic or you nearly miss becoming a statistic. And that just sucks.

No matter the probability, if you have that disease, you have that disease. What does probability change?

All it does is make you tense and surprised or shocked or happy or whatever, depending on what you're trying to be probable about. And I know, incorrect usage of the word "probable," but I'm trying to make a point.

Probability doesn't tell you what is or isn't; it only shows you what might or might not be. No, I like probability. I do. I just don't like how we try to depend on numbers to determine our worth, our life, our time, or anything. Probability doesn't change facts.

And for all we know, all these numbers we have could be completely skewed, and we just missed the true numbers of people afflicted or not by whatever. I mean, 1 out of 500 people doesn't represent the 500 or more that we miss.


Ok, so I don't think my reasoning really makes sense in this entry. I stopped trying haha. But I'm just trying to say that we shouldn't attribute our successes or failures to just one thing or another. Luck, for sure, is not a proven idea, but people treat it like it is. And that aggravates me because the people with "good luck" take their good fortune for granted and the people with "bad luck" just give up and blame something or someone. With chance, I feel like things just happen to people.

Of course, you could say I'm only arguing semantics.


Hmm, I wish I had a catchphrase :P