What a relatively nice day...

I mean it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But I think today was good mainly because I wasn't negative today. Few sad thoughts. I was upbeat for most of the day.

Had my first midterm this semester. Asian American Studies, where you don't study about Asians until the second semester. The midterm was ok. One long essay, three short essays, and ten multiple choice questions. I think I did ok. Maybe a C. Maybe. I didn't know what to expect. But I finished early. I don't know if that's a good sign or not. But hey, at least I left the class feeling confident enough.

In social dance, Oscar danced with a guy. Oooh. Haha it was just to show that anyone can be a leader or a follower, regardless of gender :) It was pretty fun to watch.

Then we learned a new move (forgot what it's officially called already). Basically a cross-body lead that ends in a free spin. I actually got it right most of the time. I messed up like five times, and that was it. So I was happy. The move seemed so complicated at first, but it's actually pretty simple. So yeah, that was cool.

My midterm partner didn't show up today. I tried calling her twice, but she never picked up or returned my calls. If I can't reach her tomorrow or Friday, we might not have enough time to practice for our midterm, which is on October 14th.

Damn, can you believe how fast September has passed? I feel like I only started this semester two weeks ago. I guess I'm actually enjoying myself, making friends and all.

Ooh, I forgot to show this guy in my dance class how to moonwalk haha. I suck at it, but I know the steps. Oh well, I'll show him on Monday or something XP

Anyway, I forgot to mention last week that the new gay and Asian club can't be called GPA because it was already registered as Q&A. Oh well.

Today, we had hella people in the small room. Ok, maybe not hella people. But a lot more than usual. Eight or nine people is typical. But today, we had about thirteen. Didn't have enough chairs haha. It was fun stuff though. Good discussion. Can't mention anything from it really because it's hush-hush haha. Nah, just respect, yo :P

But what I can say is that we are planning on having a movie night on October 14th, a Wednesday, at about 1900. I think it's going to be in Campus Village B. Going to watch "Saving Face." Love this movie :) This is going to be the fifth or sixth time I watch it. That's if I can go. My AAS essay is due the next day. Just means I gotta get it done hella early haha.

But anyway, yeah, anyone can come to the movie night.


Umm, what else? I don't remember much else from today. Oh, people like my Fierce-Nice hat and my NG shirt. Only Crystal N (from Q&A) knows who Wong Fu Productions is. I'm sure a few other Asian people knew where my shirt and hat were from. They gave me a knowing look, yep haha. I really like the hat. It's just f'n awesome. My shirt fits too closely. After I wash it, it might shrink too much >_< I hope not. This is why I don't like to buy medium. Always large or extra large, just in case stuff shrinks in the wash.


Hm, tomorrow, I have a physics midterm. Yay. And I know I've got some homework for the weekend. I think I might try to go to Game Night in the LGBT Resource Center tomorrow. 8-10 PM. I don't really wanna be at home. Wanna see if anyone got game haha :P I would probably lose at everything. I haven't played video games in sooo long now. Like, since two summers ago, I think. I'm not sure. How sad. And I think people play Wii now. I haven't played Wii much. More like I've played Wii once with a controller. I think I'd much rather sit back, watch, and laugh :P


Anyway, I should do more with my life. Or at least with my time. I'm so lazy. And tired. I need energy.

WST: Take One

So I took the Writing Skills Test today. Got to campus at 1030. There was already a long line to get into Dudley Moorhead Hall.

Anyway, we did the essay first (some topic about wishes). Forty-five minutes. I think I did ok. Though, as I was finishing my second example, a Disney movie called "Wish Upon a Star," I thought of an even better (or easier) example, another Disney movie called "Model Behavior." Too bad I didn't have enough time to add it in. Oh well. I hope my essay is decent enough XP

The second part of testing was also forty-five minutes. The multiple choice. Seventy-two questions. People were right when they told me that it's just too many questions in too little time. You basically read passages and answer questions. After answering the second question, I realized I had made a mistake. I went back to erase my answer. As I was erasing, my eraser fell off of my mechanical pencil, and the pieces of lead inside fell out. I wasted a minute getting all my lead back :( But hey, I managed to finish marking my last answer just as the timer went off. Literally. Not even exaggerating. I was excited when that happened haha. It was like, "Oh my god! I almost didn't finish!"

I hate leaving blank answers, just so you know. But I don't like just marking random answers either. So I try really hard to speed up my pace when I start running out of time. Luckily, I thought the last couple of questions were some of the easiest ones. Whew. Haha.

I can't believe this took so long. Two forty-five-minute parts. But I was on campus for three hours -__- So hot too. No AC because DMH is so old.

Anyway, I hope there will not be a "WST: Take Two" entry. Don't want to take the test again. If I'm lucky, I might even be able to waive my 100W class. Once I choose a major, of course.

I wish I could say "no more testing," but my midterms start this upcoming week. Great. Fun. Yeah.

Now, I wish my weekend would reward me. Pleeeaaase.

I'm not allowed to be a Good Samaritan

So I had to drive Mother around today.

When we were leaving CVS, a guy reversed into a shopping cart that had toppled over. So I ran over to pull the cart away from his car because I was really close and thought I should help. When I was running to the cart, Mother yelled out my name. I didn't know why, but I didn't stop. After the cart was out of the way, the guy thanked me and got back in his car.

Mother then yelled at me for helping him out. She called me a fuckin' idiot. In Vietnamese, of course. I'm not supposed to help people in public. I'm not even allowed to help someone who tripped or dropped their stuff. Why? Because they will sue me.

Fuck that. I'll help if I want to help. If people act like bitches about it, fuck it, whatever. Shit happens.

If that had been my car that hit the shopping cart, I would have liked to have someone help me out a little.

Man, people can be crappy in this world. We're so fucked if we can't trust people to appreciate our help. Yeah, I've heard the stories about people suing good samaritans for accidentally injuring them or something like that. But, c'mon, we can't go around ignoring people when they need some assistance just because we're scared. If you witness a major car accident, you should stop to help if you can. I would. My mom wouldn't. She's driven away from other people's car accidents before. She'd come home and tell me all about it. I never even bother to ask if she even called 911 for them or anything because I know she wouldn't.

Hah, and she's the one who complains about how our neighbors don't even talk to us or help us out. If everybody's got her attitude, how would anyone cooperate?

So, anyway, yeah, she bitched at me in the car. I was pissed because I thought she would be happy about me being thoughtful. Instead, I got called an idiot and a bunch of other shit I can't translate.

Then I had to go pick up my brother. Freeway line was long, so I thought I'd stick to the main roads. Wrong choice. As soon as I switched out of the long ass line, Mother bitches at me even more, again calling me a fuckin' idiot for leaving the long ass line. Traffic on the main roads is just as bad, so there was no point. How the fuck am I supposed to know? I don't drive in East Side all that often.

So, at that point, I couldn't handle it anymore and started crying. Of course, it was silent 'cause she would have bitched at me even more for being a little crying bitch. She made me do a U-turn and get on the freeway. And as soon as we're on the freeway, Brother calls and says that he has to work an extra shift so we don't need to pick him up anymore. Fuuck. I got bitched at for nothing.


I think I should find a good job and move the fuck out. I can't handle my family anymore. Seriously, I wish all these years with them could toughen me up and make me immune to anger. But I think they just made me weaker. I always feel like shit when they're around now. Always. I'm not even overstating anything. Every time they're around, I feel like crap, like I can't do shit right, like I'm not good enough.

When I'm around friends or strangers, I just feel inferior, and that's ok haha. When I'm around my mom or my brother, I feel like nothing, like I shouldn't be here.

I have a love-hate relationship with my family, and I don't think that's right. But like I said before, there is no such thing as unconditional love. Unfortunately, we're just too fucked up for that. Or I am, I don't know.

WTF Rally. I'm so tired..

So after the blog entry this morning, I IMed Maggie and asked her to text me saying "let's go study physics at the library now." I temporarily changed her name in my phonebook, so that my mom would believe me. I really needed to leave the house.

Mother dropped me off at the light rail station at 11. I went to SJSU with the intention of sitting on a bench, doing my homework, and maybe thinking about the early morning situation. Instead, I decided to check out the WTF Rally.

I was going to just stand and watch for a little bit. However, I ended up joining the march around campus and to the state building that is across the street from campus. I think the turnout was maybe 200-300 students. I can't really be sure. I ran into Mark (from AAS and the night dance classes). Stuck with him most of the time. I didn't really recognize anyone else, except for a few people from QTIP.

The chants were good. I was feeling better with every chant and shout. My favorite was "Hey hey. Ho ho. The budget cuts have got to go." One of the chants was too fast for me to keep up with. Ah, I wish I had kept the blue paper with the chants typed on them. I gave it to Mark. I still have the sticker that says "The CSU is the solution! Stop the Budget Cuts!" though; it's on my backpack.

When we ended at Tower Hall, a couple of people stood up front and shared their experiences with the budget cuts or spoke inspirational words about the fight. Brooke B was one of the first people up there, standing up for our generation and future generations.

The end of the rally included a bbq, but Mark and I went to the library to study. I got some reading done. Mark left before I did. I had to finish some stuff. Then I left at 1430.

Today was really hot, and I was wearing a lot of black. I was drenched in sweat. I hadn't planned on joining the march. I should have; I wouldn't have worn so much black and probably wouldn't have brought my backpack with me either. Oh well, next time, maybe.


This morning, I had intended to go to SJSU to sit and think/cry freely. But it didn't happen obviously. Now, I kinda wish I did sit and cry. Let it all out. Now, I'm home, and I can't do shit. All I can do is listen. Listen, listen, listen.

Why did I choose to go to campus? Well, I didn't know who I could go to. If I had someone to go to, I would have gone to them. But I don't, so school was the only place I could think of to go to. Next time, I'll just drive myself to a park or something. Just out of the house and away from the angry.


Now, I don't know what we're going to do about the bathroom wall. That's where the hole is. Every time my mom goes in there, she just gets angry all over again.

Anyway, I'm not sure if we could just do the usual newspaper and plaster thing because our houseowner is a handyman. He would know immediately if he saw it.

Not good. Though, I guess we can be relieved that Tony didn't throw his $250 phone.

And I don't know if things have cooled down between my mom and brother. My mom hadn't been home since I left. My brother's been sleeping and still is.

The way things happened this morning, I don't really know what's going to happen. Mother wanted him out of the house. Brother swore at her and told her to "shut the fuck up." You don't know how many times I've wanted to say that to the both of them. But of course I never do. Because I know it does more damage than anything else. Especially when no one here ever listens to anyone but him or herself.

You know what's missing in my house? It's not love. It's respect. No one has any respect for each other. We have "love," pity, regret, and maybe remorse. I know our mom doesn't respect either of us. Or she doesn't respect us enough. And don't you for a second believe parents shouldn't have to respect their children. Respect is mutual, reciprocal, give-and-take. How can you expect your kids to respect you if you don't reciprocate?

And I'm going to be honest. I haven't had much respect for my family since I was about 12. I remember. When I was twelve, things just got fucked up worse than they had been before. Preventable damage. But no one wants to admit it. They just want to blame each other, somebody, anybody.

And you know what? I'm usually never a part of the problem. The problem lies solely between my mom and my brother. I'm just a bystander, collateral damage. And I can't even take the shit that they say or do. And I know my family problems are little in comparison to other people's. But that just means if I can't handle this life, I don't know how I would survive any other crappy life.

I'm not a strong person. I can't deal with this shit, even if it's not my problem. I feel like I don't have what it takes to stand up and fix my family. Like fixing my family is even possible. They don't even want to acknowledge that anything needs fixing.

I wish, I wish, I wish... I could leave. No more conflict, no more anger, no more. I'm tired of dealing with this. I'm just tired.

Sometimes, I worry when my brother doesn't come home or call

I hate to admit it, but I worry as much as my mom does when Brother doesn't call or come home when he says he will. The silence, it could mean anything.

He could be oversleeping. He might not hear his phone, or the battery died. He could have lost his phone. He's in jail. He could be dead.

He has enough of the wrong kind of enemies for us to think it might be the last possibility. He has the stupidity too (i.e. drinking and driving).

He has a DUI class today at 10 AM. He went out last night, saying he'd be back in a few hours. Mother has called him so many times. She's worried, even though she shows it as anger rather than worry. She's cursing his name. She's calling people to talk and complain about him. It's her way of coping.

I tried calling his friend Stevie (the only name I know), but no one picked up.

He's usually not this late unless something really bad happened.

But when he shows up or calls later, Mother and I will be secretly relieved and then openly aggravated. Relieved because he's ok. Aggravated because we'll have to rush him to his class. Miss a class, you get jail time.


He finally picked up his phone. Picking him up now.


Edit: 0920. Home again. First thing she does is yell. I think I might go to the WTF Rally after all. Go protest the budget cuts. I'd rather go hear people complain about money than my mom complaining about Tony's fucked-up life. Why do I have to hear this shit? It has nothing to do with me.

There goes the punch to the wall. Thank you, Mother and Brother. So much fuckin' anger >_< Someone get me outta here, please. She wants him out. He wants out. Why aren't things working out?

There's no love. No love at all. There was, but it changed into something else. Many different somethings else.

They need counseling..

Why do only my socks disappear?

My mom and brother never lose their socks. Mine seem to go missing at least once a month. And I don't have many pairs of socks.

Currently, my latest absent sock has been missing for about a week now. I know it went in the washing machine. However, I didn't witness its transfer to the dryer. Somewhere in between washing and drying, it just disappeared. I'm worried. I've never had a sock go missing this long before. Two days, tops. Usually found clinging to the inside of the washing machine or inside a pant leg.

I've checked the machines and my clothes. No sign of the sock anywhere.

I have come to two possible but discouraging conclusions: One, my sock ran away. Two, it has been taken. Either way, it is gone out of my life. I'm actually quite sad about it. I have a sock that is missing its partner :( A lonely sock. I may have to discard it. But if I do and then the missing sock is found, then the situation is no better.

What a dilemma.


Seriously, I am irked by this mystery. I want my sock back.

Maybe I should have started riding my bike to school

So Mother just drove me and D downtown so that I could show her where to pick me up at school. Preparing for Thursday 'cause she's got an eye surgery at 1230.

On our way to D's place, we stopped somewhere to do something. I dunno what. But when we got back in the Avalon, it wouldn't start. It made a rapid clicking sound.

Called a tow truck. Called the body shop. *insert complex driving and car-switching patterns here*

At the shop, we found out that the battery died. Though, that doesn't really explain the clicking sound to me. Once the battery got some juice, we found out something else was wrong. And the idle rpm was too low.

So we have to leave the Avalon at the shop until tomorrow.

This is kinda good news because it means Mother has to drive the new car. But it sucks because we gotta spend more money. I don't know how we're gonna afford all this.

I suggested that we just fix whatever we can on the Avalon and don't drive it as much as we used to. I can just ride my bike to the light rail station and to campus from the light rail stop. Not that hard. I just need a bike lock and a key to the bike cages.

Man, I could get some good exercise this way haha.

Nice is never out of style

The black limited edition of ^that shirt is sold out :( So this morning, I ordered the original Nice Girl shirt and the Fierce-Nice hat (Finally!). I'm so happy. Finally buying my Wong Fu stuff (You knew I was talking about WF Productions, yeah? Yeaah). I'm just sad I couldn't get the Nice is Never Out of Style shirt. There's another one, but it's gray and I don't like the design as much. Oh well, I got the original NG shirt (in medium because large is sold out, grr) and the hat, so it's all good.

Can't wait for them to arrive :D I can switch between hats, yay.


Hmm, so how would you feel if your family told you that you're not beautiful/handsome? My family told me that I'm not beautiful or attractive, but I am cute/adorable. If I hadn't come to that conclusion myself years ago, I think I would have been insulted and disappointed.

Of course, you as a friend would say that I am beautiful. But if you were to be objective about my looks (oh, the irony of that, objectivity about aesthetics), you too would say that I am not beautiful or pretty or even attractive. I've got the geeky look going for me. Not the hot geek look though haha. But you know that's cool with me.

I've known since I was little that I wasn't the kinda pretty that others would fall for. At first, that realization made me want to cry. I thought that meant I would never be in love or something because only pretty people fall in love :P Ugly people don't get to find love.

However, I don't see myself as ugly. I know I'm just ok-looking. I mean, I guess I could wow people if I put on some makeup, as evidenced in my senior portrait :P But other than that, I know I'm all right. I don't repel people. So that's good.

There was a point to this topic. I guess what I was thinking was I know that my looks aren't what's affecting my non-existent love life haha. I feel like sometimes that's what I focus on, even though I know it's not true. I've kinda come to the conclusion that people aren't attracted to me mostly because I'm too nice (or so I've been told).


So anyway, I think you already know (or have just figured out) why I love the "Just a Nice Guy" videos. Just because I can really relate. Haha I just gotta be patient now and wait for the right one to come along. No need for loneliness anyway. I got you guys :)

QTIP BBQ

So today, I went to the QTIP BBQ. Picked up Maggie from Dan's at 1230. Got to SJSU around 1250.

Not many people arrived yet. Maggie said hi to Steven P, whom she hadn't seen in a while. Stood around waiting for people to bring lighter fluid. Talked to Carlo F and Steven P a bit. Gave Matt C ten bucks as a donation to the club.

I talked to Maggie mostly because I'm lame like that haha. Too shy to talk to new people.

Around 1400, I drove Maggie back to Dan's and headed back to SJSU. I was not going to go home early. I was determined to talk to new people.

It was about 1420 when I got back to the BBQ. A lot of people showed up. They were already eating when I got there. Hamburgers, boca burgers, turkey burgers.

I ended up talking to two people the most: Cristina(?) and Craig(?). I may have misheard their names. I'm not sure. What I am sure of is our conversation was really interesting haha. Lot of random shizz, ranging from music to Shakespeare to gay stuff :P

Stayed and talk till 1610, after most people had already left (at like 1530).

Anyway, yeah, today was cool. Errr well, really hot but it was good for me. Yay, I officially made new friends. Woot woot. New friends who plan to kidnap me on November 18 so that I can live life haha. I'm sooo deprived of life.

But yeah, today was fun. New, good friends. I won't be so alone anymore haha. Yay for gay. I'm gonna have more than just a few gay friends :) I dunno, it just feels a little easier that way. People to talk to. People who have experienced things. People who can relate. I would like to have at least a new small network of close friends. My old network of friends isn't as strong as it used to be because we're all at different schools and we're all making new friends and lives.

It really is difficult to maintain your friendships from middle school and high school because you split up. You don't see everyone every day. But I hope, I hope, I hope that I will still have at least four good friends from high school by the time our ten- or twenty-year high school reunion comes around.

For now, I need to make new friends. I need to stop shutting out new people haha. It's something to work on. As difficult and personal-bubble-popping as that is, I will put myself out there for people to see. Slowly. I really want to have more friends that I can treat like family. It would be nice. And comforting.


Ah, wow, I am tired. But I gotta drive the brother to work. Downtown. Again. I've already driven to downtown twice today. Now, I have to drive there one more time. And possibly another time later tonight. Too much driving >_<>

One foot at a time, or one knee at a time

So I had hockey today. And I stayed on the ice the whole class period this time. But I still didn't participate in the instructor's activities.

I was still trying to stand and move forward. Still falling. A few of my female classmates helped me a little. I forgot to ask for their names, but at least I didn't forget to thank them XP Spent the whole time trying to move forward.

So things I've realized/figured/learned:
I should either stop wearing glasses or learn how to skate with foggy glasses (either way, I'm blind).
I need to keep my feet under me.
I need to bend my knees more.
I am now pro at getting up after falling down :P
I turn right a lot.
I need to work on my left leg (it explains why I keep turning right and falling).

You already know about my back and knee problems. So yeah, my back and knee hurt because I had to bend my knees and keep the position to skate.

At one point, I fell on my lower back. That was way painful. I couldn't get up immediately.

The reason I keep falling and turning right is because my left leg doesn't stay under me. If I try to stand still or even kick off a little, my left leg moves outward. I can't seem to make it go straight. My right leg is fine. I can stand and glide on my right leg pretty well. But as soon as I shift my weight to my left leg, my leg just decides to go to the left -_-

So yeah, I need to strengthen my left leg. Haha I was crying from the pain in my leg (and back). I had to stop so many times, so that my knee would stop feeling like it would pop out (reminds me of Franny). I'd stop, lean to my right, and kick with my left foot until the pain subsided. Then I'd go again. Back and forth at one end of the rink. Then I'd realize that whenever I kick with my left foot (to glide on my right), I don't lose my balance until I realize that my left leg doesn't want to lift up off the ice to go past my right foot. So basically, my left leg stays behind me until I start turning right. I need to figure out how to make my leg just move and not get stuck.

I think it was easier for me to learn how to skate when I was little because I didn't have any back or joint problems yet. Pressure points in my leg were lacking haha. Seriously though, I didn't think my knee would be such a problem for hockey -_- You know what? It's not a problem. It's an extra obstacle in the way of my learning how to skate. I'll work on it at my pace.

And, you know, you would think that the instructors would come over and help me a little. I mean, they said we didn't need skating experience. Wouldn't that mean they would, I dunno, teach those who don't know? Just some basic advice? Instead, a few of my awesome classmates helped me out. Of course, they can't help me out for long because they gotta participate in the activities.

I dunno. I'm just glad I can't fail this class. You don't even need to show up until finals. But of course, that would be a waste of $100 or $150. And, you know, I'm fuckin' poor; I'm not letting money go to waste. So who knows? Maybe I'll just spend this entire semester learning how to skate better haha. My instructors honestly don't care. They're just teaching those who can keep up.

Man, I should have gone ice skating over the summer, but noo I had to forget. Anyway, I wish the rink was colder. Maybe I wouldn't feel any pain, and it would be easier to just push on.

Anyone know how I can make my left leg stronger? I seriously can't put much weight on it. I can skate. I know I can. I've done it before. It's just this fuckin' leg won't... stay on course. Aahh, patience, patience. I'll get this.

Anyway, I think I need to go lie down, so my spine won't be so grr haha. And I still think I want someone to go to the rink with me and help me stabilize haha.

Q&A --> GPA

After my classes today, I stayed back for a Q&A (Queer & Asian) meeting. Small group. Well, new group. But yeah. About 12 people showed up, which is pretty good for a new club. And most of them are in QTIP, so I recognized most of them.

Icebreaker: Two Lies and a Truth. Can you guess my truth?
I have an IQ of 142.
I have never dated or kissed anyone.
I have been shot at with a rifle.

:D If you know me well enough, you knew the answer as soon as I said it hahaha.

The group thought it was the third one. I guess I just give off that dangerous aura ^_^ Haha nah, they chose that one 'cause it was so out there. But no, I've only been chased by a man holding a rifle when I was in the fourth grade. Of course, it could just have been a very vivid dream that turned into a faux memory. Who knows? :P

Anyway, we voted on an official club name: GPA, or Gay Pacific islanders & Asians. Not a perfect acronym, but we liked the letters. So stereotypical of Asians, yeah? haha It was originally Gay Pride Alliance, but we wanted it to focus more on Asians. So the second possibility was Gay Pride(ful) Asians. But that was just too cocky, I guess. There were other possibly names, but I don't really remember them.

We also discussed rules and goals. Fun stuff.

Oh, Carlo F brought food (spam and rice wrapped in seaweed, good stuff. Don't remember what he called it). And so did Ton (I think that's his name). He brought lumpia (I think that's how it's spelled). Good stuff.

Mm, so I think I'll try to stick with QTIP and GPA (gosh, that's so nerdy, huh?) for the semester. See how it all works out. Meetings every Tuesday and Wednesday, fun stuff. At least I'll make friends. That's the meaningful part.


Oh, and I'm getting better at the dancing :D Still some mistakes obviously, but I'm getting it. One of my classmates, Tatiana (again, I don't know if I spelled her name right), helped me out. She's chill. Doesn't mind that I'm a female leader, yay!

And yes, I'm still a lil bothered about those other two girls I mentioned (or just one girl). They both give me a look when I walk over to them. I don't like those looks. The least they could do is say they don't wanna dance with me. Maybe I should just ask them if they want me to pass when we rotate partners. I dunno. It's difficult to dance with uncomfortable people. Especially when you're not very good at dancing yet.


Anyway, I think it's time for me to eat something and go to bed. Yay for sleep.

O Captain! My Captain!

This entry actually has nothing to do with Walt Whitman or Abe Lincoln :P


Physics and Philosophy were chill today. Though, I don't remember much from Physics. In Philosophy, we started off talking about the Kanye West and Taylor Swift incident at the VMAs. Rude, no ettiquette. He has a right to his opinion, but he did not have to embarrass the winner on national television. She did not deserve that. And yes, Beyonce, class act.

We also talked about Annie Le, the murdered Yale student. Is it surprising that most of my classmates did not hear about her murder? Nope. Why? Because a lot of people my age don't read the news. They read gossip. They read Facebook status updates. Of course, they read Twitter updates. Seriously, the Kanye thing is bigger than any (relatively low-profile) murder case in the media. Yay for pop culture.

After class, I went to the LDS church again with Rose, Angela, and John. Didn't eat. Had interesting conversations about Kanye, the Annie Le case, and Patrick Swayze, among other topics. Rose played the piano. Then I left alone.

Yay for physics labs. Today's lab was simple, but the geometry (drawing scaled pictures of forces) took up a lot of our time. But my partner (Randall) and I finished early, so that was cool.

I sat at a bench and read my history homework until it was time for the QTIP meeting.

Introduced myself to Eve, QTIP's PR agent haha :P Had a cool conversation with Alex, the co-chair. Also some conversing with Tri and Vivi. Can you tell I'm trying really hard to remember their names? Haha I guess not, it's the Internet. But I'm trying really hard. I remember the faces really well, but names are elusive.

The icebreaker game was called O Captain! My Captain! (not sure if it's spelled that way) First thing I thought was "Are we gonna talk about Honest Abe?" haha. No, we didn't. It's like Simon Says. I tripped up twice, dang it.

Anyway, this Thursday (9/17), SJSU's Women's Basketball Team is having one of those lunch/dinner fundraisers. At Pasta Pomodoro (1205 The Alameda). If you're in SJ, help support, please :D You need to bring a flyer. Which I have. Thus, I can go with you or send you a copy of the flyer.

QTIP BBQ. Saturday, 9/19. @ 1230-1600. @ the bbq pit near the AS House. Free food. New friends. Gonna have ourselves a good time. Well, hopefully, I can go XP

National Coming Out Week (COW haha). In October. Gonna have a Ally Relay/Scavenger Hunt the week after. Or at least that's the plan.

Hmm, what else? Oh, I signed up for a dodgeball team :D Let's see how that works out. You know me and how I am with commitments haha. Or not. I don't commit. Yeaah.


Today was fun. I have one more chapter to read for tomorrow. But I probably won't read it tonight because I am waayyy exhausted.

Le is 19, yaayyy

Well, she turned 19 yesterday, but her birthday party was today. Basics: food prep, music, masticating, dirty talk, the usuals :) [I'm going to make this entry as quick as possible, so I can go to bed early.]

I came half an hour late, thinking there would be at least one other guest at Le's already. No. I was still the first person there, darn haha. I'm usually the first person to show up to birthday parties XP

Guests: Me, Alex D (hadn't seen him since New Year's), Randy, and Le's cousins. Let's see if I can name them: Joann, Julia, Annie, John, Khoa (was that his name?), Thao. No parents.

All of us except for Randy participated in making the food.

Appetizers: spam and pineapple, orange and spam, all with the colored toothpicks just like those fancy company dinner parties. Sugar and cinnamon cookies. The cousins brought the Asian-style jello with fruit in it.

Main: Shish kebabs, mac and cheese with bacon, and some kinda strawberry salad. The shish kebabs took the longest time to grill. The mac and cheese apparently wasn't very cheesy haha. The salad was good.

Since Randy did not contribute to the food preparations, he got to clean up haha.

Cake story: Le in the garage. Cousins set up inside the door. Julia had a plate of whipped cream. Le avoided the plate. However, she did not see John with the can. There was a prolonged whipped cream fight, during which Alex, Randy, and I stayed out of all cream ranges. Then we had to clean everything up. There was whipped cream on the floor, on the wall, on clothes, and in hair. Good times, good times.


Le, if you read this, thanks for inviting me. Now, I know for sure you like me, you really really like me :D haha.


Ok, time for bed. And I'm missing a lot of details -_- but I can't stay awake any longer.

Verizon Upgrades

How exciting.

Basics:
Brother got a BlackBerry Tour - $149.99.
Mother got an LG enV3 - $129.99. Free after rebate.
D got my LG Dare.
I got a Verizon Wireless Blitz - $29.99.

Three cool phones for the three oldest. One adorable phone for the adorablest ^_^ haha

I was originally going to get the enV2, but then Mother wanted it. So I chose the Blitz. Still good and very cheap. At the store, we found out that they don't sell the enV2 anymore. So Mother then wanted the BlackBerry Storm but without the Internet. Obviously, you can't get the phone without the Internet. So then she chose the enV3. I told her to get the LG Versa. Same as the Dare but thinner. And way cheaper too. But no, she wanted us to pay more for functions that she won't use.

In the end, we found out her phone would be "free." So we just let her get that phone.

But yeah, fun stuff. Right now, my number is still on the Dare. D's number is in the Blitz. Tony has to call customer service to switch them and unblock my number :D Yay, soon, everyone will know when I call ^_^ No more ignoring my calls haha.


Ok, now I'm starving. So I'm gonna go eat In N Out. Then homework.

Yes, I'm going to eat my homework.

Do the Hustle!

So I went to the Ballroom Dance Club lesson. Learned the Hustle. Taught by Robin Horn. She's pretty awesome. Very helpful and patient haha.

I danced as a follower. I'm cool with that. I'm not a big fan of the Hustle haha. So I don't need to learn the leader's part :P

There were two guys from my dance class there. Talked to both. Danced with both. Nick and Mark. Nice guys. Funny.

Teresa (I don't know if there's an "h" in her name) W was also there. She was in my acting class first semester. I see her around quite often haha. She's now president of the Ballroom Dance Club, so hopefully I'll see her the next three times I go to the lessons haha.

Not much to say, except that the dancing was fun :) And I really am a slow and steady person. I do not speed up very well haha. Hopefully, I'll remember some of the steps. Can't pay $3 to forget XP

Next week, Rumba. Awesome stuff. People should come with me haha. Anyone can come, learn. There were quite a few Viet people. About my mom's age, or a bit younger.

Oh yeah, and there was Bonnie. She was very nice. I think she's about my mom's age too. Very cool lady. Helped me learn the steps. She was as confused as I was at times haha. Thank you, Bonnie, for making me feel not alone.

How slippery

I don't like to lose control. I mean, I don't feel like I have much power over anything really in my life. But my sense of balance is one thing I can kinda control.

So today, during Hockey, I stayed off the ice for most of the class time >_< For the first ten minutes, I kept losing my balance, so I gave up. While the whole class was learning skating techniques, I just stood/sat and watched. The last ten to twenty minutes of class will always be free play. So the last ten minutes, I tried to skate one more time. Not much luck. I fell often. Really hard. I even hurt my back because I didn't fall properly.

And I need to go buy one of those lanyard things for my glasses. They kept sliding down, and I couldn't see anything.

What else? Oh, the reason I was so wobbly on my skates in the first place? My skate's were one size too big. I didn't know. I thought they were supposed to be a little loose. Maybe I'll be prepared next week haha.

Seriously though, today, I was embarrassed XP I thought I would remember something about skating from the fourth grade, but no, I didn't. There's like one other guy in my class who doesn't really know how to skate, but he tried.

Need to learn to let loose. Need to learn how to fall. Not be afraid. Very difficult when I've been taught to be very cautious. Like almost obnoxiously cautious. Take no risks. You would think my mom would teach to take risks. I mean, she took a really big risk with her life when she fled Viet Nam. I know, fleeing for your life and playing hockey are two totally different things. But I just wish she had taught me to do more. My life's been way too easy :/

Mm, so for most of the time that I spent on the ice, I was slipping and falling. I kept thinking, though, "Shit, I can't keep falling. I'll break my glasses if I fall too hard. If I break my glasses somehow, Mom's gonna kill me." I almost wanted to cry haha.

Oh, and I did cry a little. My sweat stung so badly. I didn't even know my sweat could sting.

Anyway, hopefully, I'll be a little more courageous next week XP Probably not, but I will try.

I'm hoping to go back tomorrow with someone to learn how to skate (don't know who if anyone yet). I was planning on doing that before school started, but I forgot. I just need some advice about how to stand and move forward. After I get the hang of that, I think I could catch up with hockey. Right now, I have no sense of balance.

And wow, do my ankles hurt! haha.

Anyway, tonight, I'm going to the Ballroom Dance Club lesson. Need to for class. Yay.

I should buy Febreze :P The hockey gear stinks.

Don't ride the light rail. They're listening >_> <_< >_>

So I took the light rail home with Amy, Christine, and Chris. We were talking about college and how lucky and grateful we are that we can go to college because we can pay for it (or, in my case, the government does). I expressed some guilt for getting financial aid while many others don't (because I don't even know if I want to be in college). We also talked about people who take their chances in life for granted. Or, more negatively, make so many mistakes that you must wonder what the hell is going through their head that would make them do stupid things.

Sitting in front of us, a blonde woman in her 30's or 40's turns around to "lecture" us. At first, we were confused because we didn't know what she was saying or to whom she was speaking. Then we realized she was talking to us, even though she wasn't facing us. I thought she was mad at us because we were talking about how lucky we were to be in college or something like that. I started to feel guilty because she said she and a lot of other people never got to go to college. However, the reason she never got to go to college was because they (don't know who "they" are, maybe the government) kidnapped her thirty times and relocated her to different camps or institutions around the country. She remembered one place in Utah. Some hospital. She recited the name of the place, but I don't remember. I was too busy being confused.

She rambled on about how she had to teach many different people (especially this one girl who was taken because no one "claimed her as their sister") how to escape from those camps because she had so much experience.

"Watch what you say. Say what you want to say. But don't say it in public."
"Don't have these conversations on the bus or the light rail."
"You think people don't hear you, but they hear you. They listen to your conversations."
"They can just take a microphone out of their ear and record everything you say."
"There are people who won't like what you say, and they'll take you. They'll just yank you right out and throw you into one of those [places]."
"I said my passport [password?] out loud twice. Twice. They took me and put me in a [place]."

I don't know what she actually called those places. I thought she was saying "cyborgs," but that doesn't make any sense. Not that anything she said really made sense. All I know is that she was scolding and warning us. And she wanted to save us from the same fate she has.

Seriously, at first, it sounded like she was angry at us for either having the chance to go to college or for talking about people who waste their chances. Then she just rambled.

Oh, when one red-headed guy was getting off the light rail, the woman pointed him out and said something about him texting. "See, you and your text messaging. They could follow you..." The guy just had a O_o look on his face and left.

Amy, Christine, Chris, and I just sat there. Quiet. They were texting people. I had to listen. Then, as Christine got off the light rail, I realized that I would be the last person in our group to get off the light rail. I didn't want to stay near the woman alone. So I asked Amy via unsent text if I could get a ride from her haha.

So when we got off at Snell, the woman also got off the light rail haha. What luck. Oh well. We walked slowly behind her so that she could move away from us first.

And yeah, yay for weird light rail strangers.

I don't know about the others, but I think that she's got some screws loose. Or, I don't know, someone dared her to be eccentric on the light rail.


Yeah, so today was interesting, to say the least. Other than the light rail lady, not much happened today.

AAS is as long as usual. I finished half a crossword puzzle in class haha.

In social dance, we worked on the turns, crossovers, and chases. We combined them. A little confused at first, but then I got the hang of it. Oh, and I'm going to revise my previous statement about the girls in my class: All but one (maybe two others) are comfortable dancing with me. I say this because after we finished practicing, she kinda pushed me away. When you let go of someone, you just kinda let your hands drop, yeah? She kinda just shoved my arms away as they were dropping. Of course, it could have been accidental, but she's the one who won't make small talk with me haha.

If she doesn't want to dance with me, I won't be offended. I think I'd prefer if she just say so. But eh, we're such a "nice" society.

Anyway, I'm kinda getting better. I can do the steps alone pretty well haha. With a partner, it's hit or miss. I succeeded with maybe six partners. The rest tended to step ahead of the beat. Some forget that I'm supposed to lead them. They turn and cross before I give them the signals because they're going early with the beat count rather than following my lead -_- But it's ok, we have weeks to improve. When there are no more beat counts, they'll have to follow better. And I'll hopefully be a better leader by then.


Mm, what else today? I went with Amy to Nob Hill haha. She bought brownie mix, icing, and a Thank-You card. Oh, and a beef stick. I can't say that with a straight face. That's why I call 'em Slim Jims.

So that's all. I really just wanted to update about the light rail lady haha. What a memory. Maybe I'll use it as an educational tale one day in the future. Include the story about the "PCP lady" from the Expo trip back in 2005 haha, yeaah. Fun stuff.

I really could complain about her all day long.

But I won't. I'm just going to silently fume (as paradoxical as that sounds).

I drove Mother and D to back to the dealership to discuss her concerns about a burning plastic smell and a price misunderstanding.

She can be really aggravating. She repeated the same questions at least eight times. And that is not an overstatement.

I really do often wonder how it's possible that we're mother and daughter. Then again, I have no patience with her anymore. So maybe we're more alike than I'd like to admit.

Anyway, it's official. The Avalon is mine. But Mother gets priority on it. What else? Oh, I've driven the new car more than Mother has. Fun. Might as well just give me the new car instead.

Just a couple of months. Then the Avalon is fully mine. No need for her to not take the Murano. She just needs to adapt. Fast. Please.

Test driving fun ^_^

So I drove everyone in the new car. Drove Tony to work. Drove Mother to an empty parking lot so she could learn how to drive.

It was fun driving. I adapted pretty quickly to the change in view and stuff. The rearview mirror is frickin' awesome. You can see the WHOLE back window. The side rearview mirrors take a little getting used to. But overall, fun drive.

Mother doesn't learn very quickly. This will take a while. She needs to learn how to adapt. But I guess, at her age, adaptation in any form is difficult compared to adaptation at my age.

So yeah, this will be interesting. By "this," I mean the whole car situation for the whole fam.

Anyway, yeah, fun stuff!

2009 Nissan Murano

So we got a new car. Relatively cheap. Marked down about $5000 from the MSRP. Yet, Mother kept complaining about the price. She irked me greatly today.

Lots of stuff can happen in two hours. But I won't mention everything here. Too much stuff. Not sure what I should say.

Well, one, while Rick Beal (salesman) was showing us car functions, Mother nearly hit a few people because apparently getting a new car means you completely forget how a car works. She seems to have forgotten how to use the windshield wipers and turn signals -__- How annoying.

Two, salesmen at Premier Nissan are genuinely nice ^_^ Rick accidentally scratched the car a tiny little bit with his watch and immediately told us. If he hadn't, we wouldn't have noticed. He told us to buy another car, same exact kind with no scratches. We took the slightly scratched car anyway. He felt really bad about the scratch. Good guy.

Three, paperwork was really fast. We only spent a total of two hours on the premises.

Four, we learned we can never lock our keys in the car.

Five, there really isn't much use for the key.

Six, there is a sunroof. And then there's a skylight for the passengers in the back.

Seven, there are just so many features and functions that Brother and I will have a field day exploring the Murano.

Eight, I miss the Dodge. D traded it in for $500. The Dodge has been with us for most of my life. I almost cried. I really am sad.


So, Mother doesn't know how to drive an SUV. I told her she needs to start driving to learn. She says no. She'll wait until she's used to the car -_- Can't get used to it if you don't drive it. So D will now start driving the Cressida. The Avalon is supposed to be mine. However, Mother's paranoia is, again, very irksome.

She's going to keep driving the Avalon, dropping me off at the light rail station. I am not happy. Give me a car, and then take away my driving privilege a few months later. I did not agree with this decision. But I have no voice in the matter.

I have to wait at least several months before I can truly say the Avalon is mine.

And geez, she's being really ignorant. She's acting like the Murano is completely foreign. Like everything has been rearranged in the vehicle. As if the ignition has been placed on the passenger side (not really, but you kinda get what I mean, yeah?).

But yeah, yay, new vehicle. That Mother won't drive very often. Until months later. "When people aren't paying attention."

Yeah, I don't get it either.

I'm having a lil difficulty with the cha cha.

So I danced as a leader today. That was interesting. Some of the girls were cool with it. A few I could tell they were bothered by it. They had a blank-stare kinda look when I partnered with them (We dance in a circle and switch partners about every thirty seconds).

I have to admit it is awkward for me to even be dancing with anyone, let alone girls haha. And a lot of them are taller than me, so it was hard for me to turn them XP

So we learned how to chase and do a crossover. Fun stuff. I need to work on a lot. My feet and my brain don't always agree. Usually, it's when my left foot should go forward. Instead, my right foot goes, and I lose my balance XP I'll work on it. I need to work on my sense of rhythm as well haha.

Oh, practicing steps with a partner is a lot easier than practicing alone. Just saying. Alone, you can get the basic steps. With a partner, things just make more sense haha.

Mm, I'm trying to talk to some people in my class when we're dancing. Some are conversational. Some are nice. And some just don't seem to give a shit. I don't know if it's me or if it's because it's the second week of school. I hope it's the latter. I want to make friends. C'mon, people, work with me here T_T I'm so alone in that class. I mean, Cody Jackson isn't even there anymore. I don't think any of the students who wanted to add got in :/ Sucks 'cause one of them was really cool. Though, I thought she was already in the class -shrug-

Should I try harder to talk to people? The thought still scares me: starting conversations with strangers. I've done it before, and I'm sure I could do it again. Successfully. It's just I don't like it when people look at me like I'm too weird to talk to :( Makes me feel even sadder than I already do.


Mm, so I haven't had any homework except for lots of reading. It's relaxing in a way, but I'm worried about when the profs start assigning essays. Not sure how prepared I'll be. Oh, and yay. I'm taking the WST (Writing Skills Test) on the 26th. Fun stuff. I hope I pass. It would suck if I didn't. But even if I pass, I still can't take upper division courses. Grr. We'll see how I work this all out in the future. I just hope I can deal. I feel like stress is just gonna jump out of nowhere and strangle me to death. Not a good feeling. It's almost like paranoia.


Edit: I forgot to mention that Tuan had called me last night, and I called him back today. He offered me a job. I asked him what the company was called. He gave me the same answers Maria gave me back in January. Is this what the company trains you to do? Avoid giving direct answers to questions. While I was on the light rail home with Amy, Michelle R, and Anthony(?), I had like a six-minute argument with Tuan on the phone about why I don't like direct marketing, MLMs, and the idea of working for Usana. Why this company is not compatible with me is that you need the motivation to sell and recruit. I can't without qualms sell expensive health products and recruit friends into a business where the potential for failure is higher than it is in a job where you have a set wage. I would choose a wage over commissions any day. And although MLMs aren't always a Ponzi scheme, there are some parallels between the scheme and the structure of MLMs. I don't like that risk. Besides, I am definitely not entertained by the idea of selling fucking expensive products to people, especially during a recession (even though it's slowly getting better).

I don't think I would ever go into business. It's just not in my nature :P haha.

Tuesdays are gonna be long school days.

Mm, had Physics today. Was late to Philosophy because I only have fifteen minutes to get from one side of campus to the other, ugh.

After Philosophy, I hung out with Rose, Angela H, and John (I think that was his name) in the Student Union. Then Tommy (Rose's boyfriend) came, and we all went to the LDS church down the street for lunch. Free lunch every Tuesday. Had a short, interesting conversation with one of the LDS members. He's like the chair of the luncheon or something like that haha. He was cool.

After the short lunch, I went to my lab class. The group walked with me there. Lots of fun stuff. Angela was haunted by a wasp. John cares more about his Olympus than about people's welfare haha. Oh, Rose wants to join a sorority (I do not know how serious that statement is).

Anyway, lab was eh. I underestimated the amount of time I would need to complete a lab. That's for sure. Took me and my lab partners the whole period to finish a simple lab. Not much physics in it either. The prof, Brian Holmes, is interesting. At first, I kinda thought he was a cranky old guy. Then after a while, he turned out to be a pretty nice old guy haha. But ah, there are eleven labs to complete. Must finish by the end of each class period :O

I finished my lab and left at about 1600. Sat on a bench and did my history reading until 1715. After I finished reading, I walked across campus to Building BB for the first QTIP meeting of the semester. Looked like there were at least 30 of us crammed into a room about as big as my mom's room, possibly smaller.

The officers introduced themselves. Resource people as well. Played ice breakers. First, Telephone. The message was messed up at my part. The room wasn't quiet enough for me to even get the first word. All I heard was literally "mm uh oll." So I said some random thing. The final message was "Pottable (portable?) ____ plants." The original message was "Penguins are cool" haha.

The second game was "I love people who..." I'm pretty sure most people know this game. You stand in a circle, and one person stands in the middle and says "I love people who (fill in the blank)." Whoever fits the description has to switch places with someone else who fits the description. Whoever is last to find a spot has to be in the middle. Yeah, so we played that until everyone had a chance in the middle. Great way to learn people's names.

Then there were some announcements about new groups/activities/etc on campus, like Peers in Pride. It's a mentoring program btw.

Also, a challenge: bring a friend to next week's meeting. I don't think I will. Everyone I know either goes straight home after their morning classes or has class during the meeting. Hm.

Mm, after the meeting was over, we could all stay back and talk to new people. But I left right away. Maybe I'll stay back next week. Not today. Mother would have had a heart attack if she didn't see me before sunset. But now I've told her that Tuesdays will be my very long days. So she shouldn't expect me home early because of lab and stuff.

I can't tell her that I'm going to a queer student group. She would freak out.

You know, I thought she was ok with my being gay. But I dunno, must be a delayed reaction or something. It's been almost two years since I came out to her. Then, she freaked out but then she bit her tongue and let me believe she was ok with it. She never brought it up. I didn't either. Brother kept mentioning gay-related topics, but she brushed it all aside. Then she started talking about "the gays trying hard to get married" and Newsom being gay. There was that day that she told me while I was sleepy that I shouldn't be gay. Lately, she's been dropping more hints. "When you get married to a man and have kids..." or "Your future husband will want to see this..." There's always an emphasis on "man," "boyfriend," and "husband." Even when she doesn't say those words, there's a look in her eyes that says I shouldn't disagree with her.

Ahh, I thought we were ok with it. But I guess not. I guess I was deluding myself :/ I think if I told my mom that I'm gay one more time, she would say "No, you're not. You shouldn't be." Not sure if it would be as bad as the first time, but who knows? I don't. Nor do I want to know. From now on, I'm not gonna tell her anything about my personal life. Not that I ever really did before. Then again, I don't really have much going on in my personal life anyway haha.

I'm jealous of people who can talk to their parents. I'm never gonna have that relationship with my family, at least not my mom. My brother, maybe. I'd probably tell him if I had a girlfriend. But that's not likely to happen anytime soon haha, I'm such a geek XP

Yo, so I want to make something clear. Or maybe not very clear, but at least I'm stating it: I like girls. I can see myself being in a relationship with a girl. Boys are ok, but not my preference. Of course, I'm not completely ruling boys out because anything is possible :) It's like a ratio of attraction (in terms of gender). Boys to girls, 1:100.

People are still calling me bi. I don't know. I guess that could describe me, but I haven't been looking at guys much lately :P Then again, I haven't liked anyone in over a year.

Ah, so I don't know how I identify myself. Lesbian or bisexual. Why do I have to label myself? Makes it easier to describe myself, I think haha. Eh, we'll see how this goes.

Let's see how many queer friends I'll have by the end of this semester. Well, I guess that means I'll have to commit to this group, yeah? Mm, commitment. But seriously, I still only know a few gay people. I've got Brian, Trung, Rose. Is that it? I'm pretty sure I know a few more, but I can't think of them off the top of my head. So I guess I don't know that many. How sad. I need more friends.

And I know. No matter how often I say I need more friends, I'm not gonna make more friends until I put myself out there. I'm trying. People still just scare me a lot. This will be a slow process but hopefully a successful one.

Mm, time to practice my cha cha steps. Need to ingrain this basic shizz in my brain.