2016 Election

I woke up to the results at 2am. I'm still processing.

To see a man, who doesn't even treat the people in his personal and professional life well, win the presidency breaks my heart. I know he will not treat America well.

Who does he actually care about? Who is he willing to protect? Will he listen to those whom he now represents? Will he treat all of us, not just those who benefit him, with kindness? Many of the promises and deals he has made in his life, he has broken and will break many times over for his own benefit.

I do not see a lot of good coming out of this election. Everything is red. Executive, Legislative, and probably the Judicial eventually as well. But I know I'm definitely having an emotional reaction. But the fear is real.

I fear for the safety of my friends and family. That's really the only thing that bothers me in all of this. We have a lot we can lose. I don't know exactly what yet; we'll have to see what happens for sure, what kind of tug-o-war we'll get ourselves into. But I'm anticipating a loss so great that I can't even fathom it.

I'm not angry. These were the results. I get that. But for now, I cannot get over this overwhelming fear. This fear has always been present, floating underneath the surface of my mind, but now it has come out and been shoved in my face.

But give me some time. Maybe the fear will subside a little or invigorate me. I want to see what happens. I want to see what we will do as a people.

If they try to trample on our safety or treat us like animals with less than human rights, we will rise.

All I ask is to be treated as a human being. All I ask is that you protect my friends and family to the best of your ability. Defend your fellow Americans as if we are your family. I will do the same for you to the best of my ability as a fellow citizen and human being.

Emotional Times

I don't know what is, but I feel like I've become a much more emotional person over the past couple of years. Or maybe just more willing to be emotive.

I feel like I haven't gone more than a week at a time without crying about something, whether it is a legitimate reason to be upset.

At times, it all just seems to be a buildup to something in my life. Sometimes, it feels like I hit that epiphany, and everything settles for a little while. Other times, there is no epiphany, no release from the buildup; and I'm left wondering, and then I deflate.

I'm not really sure what the point of this is. I guess... Despite how much it sucks to feel super low or emotional, I'm glad I don't struggle to suppress my feelings as much or keep my feelings from flatlining anymore. I'm learning and practicing this full immersion of my emotions. I'm learning that self-suppression is not self-control. It's been a rough ride, but I think this is helping me grow as a person.

I can't say I don't take a lot of steps back. I do. I fall back into old, bad habits when I forget how to handle my stress and decompress. But I'm trying to see it as "Hey, look, I've taken steps to break bad habits. It's better to say that I fall into old habits here and there rather than I can't break my bad habits at all."

My low points are not moments of weakness. They are moments of strength because I survived them. If I can hit rock bottom and still find a way out of the pit I fell into, then there is a strength there and I tapped into it. I forget that strength from time to time. But if I can continue to remember that strength when I need it, I'm doing all right.

----

I'm trying to understand myself better, be more empathetic toward myself and others, and give myself a chance to actually be happy with who I am. It's difficult. Sometimes, I wish I could just fool myself into trusting the person that I am. I get that validation from the people around me, but for some reason I can't get it from myself. Here and there, I think I do trust myself. But that feeling doesn't stay for very long.

I have a fear in trusting myself and trusting others. I know this distrust is not unique to me. I know a lot of people who have the same fear, even those I didn't think would. I'm learning to trust that we all understand each other in a way after all, even if we don't necessarily want to haha.

----

Maybe none of this makes sense, but I don't know how to explain it any better.

----

I just want my equilibrium back. I think I'm slowly finding it. It's like I'm standing on a balance board, and the conditions changes around me. There are lots of falls as I try to maintain balance, but I'm getting back up, learning, adjusting, adapting, and doing whatever I need to do to get the right balance.

Ever-changing. Can't stay stagnant.

----

I hope I'm making good decisions. But I realize I can only do what I can do, feel what I feel, etc. Likewise for everyone else. Just need to remind myself that everyone struggles, but no two people's struggles are exactly the same. Gotta make sure my empathy doesn't disappear haha.

I'm a creature of habit. Unfortunately, I'm prone to depression (not diagnosed), which just feels like a collection of bad habits that I'm constantly struggling to break. Sometimes, I'm successful. Sometimes, I succeed and then fall back into old habits.

I know I can break the bad habits. Getting started is always the hardest part of doing anything. I just can't remember how I motivated myself to start all those other times.

Maybe I'll start dancing at work every day. I only do it every so often now. Maybe I just need to get myself moving.

Maybe I'll do things that used to make me really happy. Before the partying started haha. I'm giving myself more free time on the weekends now, and I have no clue what to do. I end up just staying in bed all day. So maybe I'll get back into reading and doing puzzles. I think I have to re-learn how to be alone, something that I used to really enjoy.

I think I also need to re-learn how to interact with the world and be out there with people. I should make that a habit again.

Team No Sleep? More like Team Want Sleep But Can't Sleep haha. But it's okay. I'll find my way back to Team Sleep All Night someday.

Today, I got out of bed before my alarm. There was no struggle with the snooze button. Probably the first time in months. I didn't try. I just got up. I don't remember the last time it felt this easy.

I didn't do anything else differently last night. I don't know why today is different. It's not really. It's familiar. I've been here before. I just forgot what it felt like to move forward. I'm probably going to forget over and over. But I'll keep remembering too.

Just one step at a time. I know I'm always taking two steps forward and one step back. But I gotta remember that I'm moving. That's what matters. I'm not stuck. Keep the movement going.

I just had the longest, deepest conversation with Tony. I was not ready. I definitely did not expect to cry. He's upset I don't spend more time with family. I feel guilty because I've been thinking the same thing for a while.

Bright side: My brother and I are finally trying to connect on a deeper level. He's never revealed so much to me before. All in one phone conversation.

I really do hope we get to know each other better. It's what I had wanted for so long, but I gave up on it.

Ugh, life, why do you have to do this to me now?

Weekend of Destiny

I spent this past Friday and Saturday experiencing many new things. First inaugural festival. First small festival. First time really camping. First time going to a festival with a stranger (so it was almost like a solo trip). First time making strong connections with folks on my own. First time spending most of festival sitting down and still enjoying everything haha.

The Untz Festival. Top-notch everything. People, venue, production, music, atmosphere, everything.

Initially, I was planning to go completely solo. No idea with lodging or transportation. But in April, I decided to post on the Facebook event page to see anyone would adopt me into their group for the weekend. This wonderful stranger named Summer from SB replied to say she was going solo as well and offered to share her tent with me. And so the start of adventure was in the making.

I picked up Summer from the Greyhound stop at the Caltrain station early in the morning on Friday. We spent some time in downtown getting her coffee and getting food supplies from Safeway. Also, I was trying so damn hard to find a restroom to use. Nothing open before 9. Flames came through and let me use the restroom without having to buy anything haha. Thank goodness. Anyway...

Mariposa County Fairgrounds. Such a beautiful place. It only took about 2.5 hours to get there from San Jose. We set up camp in one of the pavilions and greeted some neighbors. Dusty, but not too bad. I think this was also the first time I've brought so much stuff with me. Not used to it. Used to hotels providing enough that I only bring one or two bags. Oh, but the heat. So hot. I was dying during the day (99 degrees! Low-80s at 9AM. Survived off of watermelon slushy drinks and caffeinated beverages). But luckily, the day stages, Half Dome and El Capitan, had canopies or mesh cover thingies (I really don't know what they're called). The night stages, Matterhorn and Glacier Point, were indoors and farther away from the main camping areas. All beautiful and unique setups. Initially, I thought the stages and screens were really small. But when the visuals came on, I was so blown away.

Hippie/gypsy vibes were new to me, but they grew on me and I loved it. People were so weird but so friendly; I mean, people have been nice at the other events I've attended, but the friendliness and atmosphere here were something else. Summer and I met several folks, whom we continued to run into throughout the weekend. Nate first (SF) and his friend Claire. Summer's new rave bae Zach and his friends Eric and Derek, all from 2 hours north of Seattle. All sorts of weirdness ensued. I loved it all. And I'm so grateful that everyone I met didn't mind that I was a follower haha. Too nervous to explore on my own. Maybe next year.

I came in only knowing of a handful of the artists (mostly of the melodic bass genre). I left, knowing there are so much more I want to listen to. Every set I heard was fantastic. All the funk and psychedelic music, I've listened to but never preferred. I still don't think I prefer them, but I have a newfound appreciation for the music. And I would definitely check out more events that feature these types of music. My top sets of the weekend (I'm not even sure I know how to rank them): Said The Sky (great first set to start the weekend), Illenium, Phutureprimitive, Bass Physics, Sugarbeats, Sixis, and Mystral. I listened to Desert Dwellers' set yesterday at work because Summer and I missed their set to nap. (Second time she's missed their set; so I say third time will be the charm.)

Summer and I kept joking that Destiny was on our side all weekend. I don't really believe in fate or destiny. But everything just seemed to fall together so well throughout the weekend. So this weekend became the Weekend of Destiny. Haha because she found rave bae, I got to sleep in our tent by myself both nights XD No complaints. A little lonely, but it was all good. Plenty of self-care and introspection time for myself.

I came into this festival not knowing or expecting anything. Well, okay, I kinda expected to be overwhelmed and not have that great of a time because this was a new festival and I didn't know how my introverted nature would affect my experience. I was very much introverted this weekend, but it didn't prevent me from fully enjoying myself. The friends I made were fucking wonderful, and no one made me feel like a loser for not "fully immersing" myself in the camaraderie. I got to do what I wanted to do without feeling like anyone would judge me for not doing it their way; and I often feel like people would judge me at other events I've gone to. But not at Untz. I was sitting for much of the weekend and not dancing much. But I was totally enjoying every second.

I hope the Untz Festival comes back because I will definitely go again. There is a chance it might not; the turnout was really low. So low that there really weren't any lines for anything, not the vendors, not the restrooms, not the showers. So low that, even at the most packed sets, there was so much room to dance directly in front of the stage. So low there was enough space for all of the flow artists to do their thing in the crowd. People gave space where it was needed. Last time I saw that was at Dreamstate SF, a trance event. I'm so used to people shoving me out of the way otherwise. At Untz, everyone was really nice and courteous :) All such beautiful people, even if I didn't talk to many of them haha.

Oh, just remembered, Summer and I got little chips of abalone shells and Pokemon cards from someone named Mikey. I got Clefable, and Summer got Cofagrigus (never heard of this one before haha). Not big on Pokemon, but it was still very exciting haha.

So much happened this past weekend, but I'm blanking on specifics. I was hoping that writing this entry would jog my memory, but it's not haha. Overall though, this was just an eye-opening and mind-blowing experience. One I didn't think I would ever experience. I mean, I thought EDC was great the first time, but Untz was something else entirely. And to think, I was sober for most of it haha. (Alcohol was cheap though.)

If this happens again, I'm definitely camping. Also definitely gonna try to bring someone with me. If not, well hopefully everyone I met will reunite at the next ^_^

----

I have EDC next week. And I'm already wondering how it will compare to Untz. I've been to EDC twice, and it's been a great experience. But I haven't experienced anything like what I had at the Untz. The EDC crowdedness is gonna get to me for sure. The restrooms won't be the same; they'll be port-a-potties >.< But I'm not gonna let this shit get in the way of my enjoyment. As much as I didn't want to go to EDC this year, I really am looking forward to reuniting with a lot of friends this time around. The past two years, EDC was just for the music; I barely met up with people. This year, music is still important, but I've got so many friends to reconnect with!

So many more festivals I want to go to. I might be adding a couple more to this year >.> All the moneys will be gone... Must pace and save somehow... But Shambhala though... Ahhh. If not this year, maybe next year, the 20th anniversary haha. Hmm...

I feel like I'm always stuck in the past and can't let go of it. But I don't think I ever really confront it much either. So everything just stays stuck.

Today, Shiva and I confronted our past together. And it was difficult. I still don't know what to think. I suppose I still have a lot of anger and resentment that I never let myself express.

I want to be her friend. But I just don't know if I can now.

I've been thinking about this on and off for a long while. I just never had to actually face it.

But anyway, I got things off my chest. A lot of things I never said after we broke up. I put a lot of the blame on myself for our relationship. And I guess she took some of it off of me. She apologized.

And I don't know how I feel about any of this.

We're probably not gonna talk for a while. I'm still going to her graduation because I do want to see her graduate. But after that, I don't know what I would want from our friendship.

I guess I just need to process things and figure it out eventually.

It's not weird per se for someone to start showing a sweeter side of him or her to me when we've barely talked before. But it sure makes me wonder what's going on.

Maybe I'm just too stuck in my head. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

What am I doing in my head?? I should stop -_-

Variable Attraction

Sometimes, I think I see a trend in the kinds of people I find myself attracted to. Other times, I just think to myself, "Wtf? Why do I find them attractive?" or "Why don't I find them attractive?" (Granted, personality is major factor in my overall attraction to someone.)

I've always been attracted to feminine ciswomen and masculine cismen. There was never really any attraction to gender-nonconforming cis people or transfolks. It's been like that for most of my life. Especially with femme, blonde ciswomen.

But I've noticed recently, in the past year or so, that I'm finding myself more and more attracted to gender-nonconforming folks. Mainly androgynous or masculine-presenting ciswomen.

It's weird to me because I don't see myself as feminine or masculine. But I know I lean more toward masculine. Or at least I used to. But yeah, I just never found it attractive before, possibly because I saw myself that way. But now, I think after experiencing life and getting to know people, I've opened myself up to more possibilities?

Maybe I'm coming to the realization that I'm just attracted to people who are comfortable in their skin and aren't assholes about it :) haha.

I think it's also going hand in hand with me becoming more comfortable with my gender expression. I mean, I've been relatively comfortable with it. I still don't really know if I see myself as feminine, masculine, androgynous, or what. I'm trying not to focus on that too much. I'm trying to focus instead on just feeling comfortable in my expression, via clothing, hair, etc.

I think because I don't know how to describe myself and I don't feel like I quite fit into boxes perfectly, people won't find me attractive. Maybe that deterred me from finding certain people attractive. Because I don't think I'm their type; so give up and ignore before trying?

Blah. Must focus on myself. Be happy with myself. Finding people who are happy with who I am and how I express myself will be secondary.

Navigating happiness, insecurities, self-love, and self-esteem issues is hard. But I suppose this will be worth it in the end.

Feeling Uncomfortable.

I feel like I should know the answer to this. But if I participated in some religious ritual, but I felt uncomfortable or even violated anyway, am I reading too much into it? Am I the one sexualizing the ritual? Maybe it's a part of the ritual. How would I know, if I'm not familiar with this ritual?

I dunno how I'm supposed to feel. I just know I felt violated. I wasn't raped. But there was a bit of physical contact that I wasn't comfortable with. But I didn't say anything. Because what do I say to the face of a Buddhist monk who's supposed to be celibate and above all these human desires? What if he really is just performing a ritual I've never heard of and that specific physical contact is a part of it?

Except I'd done this ritual once before. He didn't do the same act then. And my mom had been present. The second time, she wasn't. A part of me is wondering if he did do it the first time, and I forgot; but I'm certain I would have noticed him touching me.

My mom wants me to do the ritual again next Saturday. I never told her about the last one (I never tell her about these kinds of experiences). I don't want to go. I just don't feel safe.

If I tell her I don't want to go, she'll just think I'm a faithless delinquent with no regard for my own life and fortune. If I tell her why I don't want to go, I fear that she won't believe me; she'll downplay my feelings and call it confusion and a lack of familiarity with Buddhist practices. Except I don't think she had ever heard of this cleansing ritual until she found this temple. I certainly hadn't.

What if she doesn't believe me? What if she thinks I'm making shit up because he didn't openly fondle or grope me? What if she thinks I'm reading into it wrongly?

Even if I am misreading his actions, I still don't want anyone, especially a man I don't know, to touch me like that. Even for a brief moment. Even if it's supposed to cleanse me. Even if other people think I'm overreacting. I don't want that.

But I fear she won't see it like that. She'll just see it as me shirking my duty as her daughter to follow her instructions.

I don't know how my mom would react if I told her any of this. Honestly, I don't think I've ever thought she would believe me or be on my side in any of the situations I've been in. I really believe she'd find a way to tell me that it was my fault. She does it in every other situation, like whenever I had car issues; I brought it upon myself somehow when the truck reversed into my car. So if I tell her I felt violated by a monk that she trusts, I feel like she won't believe me or she'll somehow blame me for feeling that way.

In the back of my mind somewhere, there's a thought that she'll believe me but tell me to just not give him an opening to touch those parts of me. Or she'll stay in the room and I should still do the ritual.

I want to say no. I don't want to go.

But I don't know if I have the resolve to keep saying no and to deal with her putting me down. I wish I knew how to not internalize everything she says to me. I love my mom, but sometimes it feels like she's thrashing me from the inside with her words and her looks.

----

I think I will tell her I won't go. The thought is making me anxious. But I can't go through that. I thought about it. You know, do it once more to see if it happens again. Once is whatever, but twice is the start of a pattern, right? But I don't want to go through it again just to decide if I should feel comfortable or not. I don't feel comfortable.

Damn, I haven't felt this anxiety in such a long time. I used to feel it whenever I'd ask my mom for permission to do anything. It would take me hours, sometimes days, to work up the courage to ask. Permission for such small shit, and it always felt like I was asking her to not punish me.

I hope I find the courage this time. I hope I have the resolve. I'm an adult, but I still feel like a child with my mom. I'm an adult when she thinks I fucked up; but I'm a child otherwise.

How the fuck do other people do this? How do you tell your parents you think you were violated by someone they trust? How do you make them see that it's not some minor issue and that you're not overreacting?

I've always thought survivors were brave for coming forward. But I never truly realized the immense courage it required. I am lacking in courage. Why? Because this wasn't rape; it wasn't coercion; I don't know if it counted as groping or fondling. It just feels so minor, not serious enough. I don't know who would take it seriously. I don't even know if I completely take it seriously. Because what's the point if the people, who should take it seriously, don't?

I just don't want to be near someone who makes me question my safety, even if they wear an orange robe and are revered by everyone else.

Adding on to the previous post...

When someone asks why it's okay for women to refuse sex but not okay for men to refuse sex, I have to facepalm.

ಠ_ಠ It is not okay to force a woman to have sex. It is also not okay to force a man to have sex. In general, it is not okay to force any person to have sex. Agreed? Good. I don't know why there's a disconnect here.

When a woman does not consent to sex with a man, our heteronormative society calls her a tease, prude, or bitch. If she is raped, society says she wasn't raped because she "asked for it" and secretly wanted it. If it believes she was raped, it says she should have fought back.

When a man does not consent to sex with a woman, our heteronormative society calls him a fag, pussy, or again bitch. If he is raped, society says he wasn't raped because "real men can't be raped"; he secretly wanted it. If it believes he was raped, it again says he should have fought back.

A woman is told she should accept her rape because she looks like she wants sex (read: she has a vagina and is near men). A man is told he should accept his rape because he looks like he wants sex (read: he has a penis and is near women). We might not focus on the same excuses for men and women, but we're all essentially told the same thing.

So tell me wherein lies the double standard when neither gender is supposed to refuse sex. And when sexually assaulted, people don't want to believe us because our clothes or our genitalia supposedly imply consent.

Reading about the Amber Rose consent conversation with Tyrese and whomever. Reading the Fb comments. People aren't taking her words seriously because of who she is.

"Why would you be naked next to a man and refuse him sex? If he rapes you, you deserved it because you led him on and put yourself in that situation."

ಠ_ಠ No. No. No.

This is why marital/partner rape still isn't taken that seriously. This is why sex workers who are sexually assaulted or raped aren't taken seriously.

And don't get it twisted. Before you say it's a double standard based on gender, we never said it should be okay for men to be sexually assaulted. Our society laughs at men for not enjoying sexual advances made by women. That's NOT okay. It's the same damn issue as women being told they should be okay with sexual advances made toward them because of the way they dress.

Men are told to like sex because they are men who should have a "normal" sex drive.
Women are told to like sex because they are women who look/dress/act like they want to have sex.

That's the fucking issue. Society treats people like they aren't supposed to have any agency and just act accordingly to their gender. Fuck that.

Mini Rant: Women and "Men's Work"

Oh, fuck the bullshit that women have it easy and men have to take on jobs that women don't need to. Fuck that bullshit.

I've applied and interviewed for jobs that are typically for men, and I've been rejected because I am female. I was eventually hired for one; when I started, the company decided the job was not for a female and put me in the office despite the fact that that wasn't the job they hired me for.

When companies refuse to hire women for a "man's job," it's not women refusing to be in the field of work. It's not women having it easy. It's not sexism against men in the workforce. It's people perpetuating the idea that women are too weak and can't make it in a blue-collar world. Men apply for blue-collar jobs, and they get those jobs because they are men. Women apply for them, and interviewers literally laugh at us and think we're joking or delusional -.-

So before you say work-related deaths and injuries are higher for men and complain about feminism not caring about men, maybe consider why it's so skewed in the first place. There are more men in these jobs because people won't hire women. If there aren't that many women hired in these fields, why would other women try to work in these fields? What are the fucking chances women would have to get hired? Why bother?

Instead of complaining that women don't want to work these jobs, hire the ones that will!

I probably strongly dislike my job.

I was a mostly-A student, but I've never felt smart.

School taught me how to follow the rules and pass tests. I don't think I learned how to create my own. I don't know how to think on my feet.

The workforce wants innovative people. I just know how to think inside a pre-defined box. Even if I find the courage to step out of that box, where the fuck do I go?

I feel stuck. Again. I've trapped myself here. And I don't want to help myself get out because I'm too scared.

I don't know what I want to do. I just know I don't like my job. I used to think I'd be okay just working some job and getting by. But now I don't feel that way anymore. But I don't know how to figure out what I want to do.

To be honest, I just dislike my job because it has been changing too often and it now requires me to interact with people outside of my team. Even if it's just email interaction, I can't stand it. I don't know why. Before, I was emailing members of my team. Now, I'm emailing a few more people. It's such a minor change, but it feels like my mind and my body are having a major adverse reaction to it. And I can't make my mind not react the way it does.

What is wrong with me?

My mind is all over the place again. I'm unhappy with my job, but I feel like I'm only unhappy because it's slightly pushing me out of my comfort zone. It's just a small test. A normal person would learn the new work and get used to it.

A lot of people would be willing to take my place at this job. Maybe I should let them. I surely don't want this job. I just need it.

----

I just want some peace of mind. I want to feel like I'm doing work that actually adds some good into this world. But I also want to make enough money to live comfortably.

But again, I'm too afraid to explore. I don't know where to start looking. I'm afraid to fail. But I also feel like staying where I am is slowly killing me.

I either need to suck it up and do something soon or just wait until I explode to do something haha. I should make the healthier decision, but you know I've always been the opposite of smart and courageous.

Sometimes, people are just broke and broken. They get stuck in it; they get out of it.

Broken things get fixed, thrown out, forgotten, or made into something new. Sometimes, we fix what we broke; other times, we fix what we didn't break.

We're constantly breaking ourselves and each other. Who's supposed to fix us? Should we take responsibility for the people we've broken? Are we supposed to feel responsible?

My Lack of Creativity and Passion

I've never really felt like a creative or original person. Even when I was a little kid, making art or telling stories. I just looked for patterns or formulas that worked and repeated them. I created what I thought I was supposed to create. For the grade; for the good impression; for learning. (I learn well through repetition.)

My life is routine, but I made it that way. I don't give myself ways or seek any avenues to express myself or inspire my creativity.

I've always felt like I lacked a lot of things. Creativity, passion, dedication, motivation, confidence, courage. I've had plenty of great people in my life who did their best to fuel the fire and inspire me. I have always been amazed by their enthusiasm and passion. I thought I had felt inspiration many times; looking back, I don't know if I ever really did.

Teachers and friends were always encouraging me to explore and try new things. So I've tried new things here and there. I've enjoyed most of the activities I tried. I was actually pretty decent at some of them. I was a quick learner when I focused. Many times, I have thought, "If I keep this up, I could be a pro." I enjoyed feeling accomplished. But I never developed a passion for anything.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to find my passion. But I really never felt strongly about anything I did.

The most extreme feelings I've had were for my relationships with people. But I don't think I can really compare that to the passion people feel for their hobbies or work...

When people are passionate about something, they put their time and effort into it. I can do that too but only for a little while. My passion, or inspiration, or motivation, isn't self-sustainable. I don't know how to convince myself that what I currently enjoy is what I want to put my time and energy into for the long run.

----

This could explain why I'm so attracted to people who are driven and passionate about something, whether it's a sport or a cause. They have what I lack. They feel something I wish I could feel.

When I think of passion, I think of a fire that's continually fed (inspired). When I thought I had a passion for something, it was really just campfire that I didn't know how to make or maintain.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm too lazy. Maybe I just haven't come across my real inspiration yet. Maybe I'm too comfortable being uninspired.

----

My life is routine because I made it this way. My excitement comes from occasionally straying from the routine or even just changing it up completely. But my life centers around routine.

Where is the creativity and the passion that everyone else seems to have?

Or maybe I just feel stuck in my life right now, and it's making me rewrite my memories and forget what creativity and passion feel like. Haha maybe.