Emotional Times

I don't know what is, but I feel like I've become a much more emotional person over the past couple of years. Or maybe just more willing to be emotive.

I feel like I haven't gone more than a week at a time without crying about something, whether it is a legitimate reason to be upset.

At times, it all just seems to be a buildup to something in my life. Sometimes, it feels like I hit that epiphany, and everything settles for a little while. Other times, there is no epiphany, no release from the buildup; and I'm left wondering, and then I deflate.

I'm not really sure what the point of this is. I guess... Despite how much it sucks to feel super low or emotional, I'm glad I don't struggle to suppress my feelings as much or keep my feelings from flatlining anymore. I'm learning and practicing this full immersion of my emotions. I'm learning that self-suppression is not self-control. It's been a rough ride, but I think this is helping me grow as a person.

I can't say I don't take a lot of steps back. I do. I fall back into old, bad habits when I forget how to handle my stress and decompress. But I'm trying to see it as "Hey, look, I've taken steps to break bad habits. It's better to say that I fall into old habits here and there rather than I can't break my bad habits at all."

My low points are not moments of weakness. They are moments of strength because I survived them. If I can hit rock bottom and still find a way out of the pit I fell into, then there is a strength there and I tapped into it. I forget that strength from time to time. But if I can continue to remember that strength when I need it, I'm doing all right.

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I'm trying to understand myself better, be more empathetic toward myself and others, and give myself a chance to actually be happy with who I am. It's difficult. Sometimes, I wish I could just fool myself into trusting the person that I am. I get that validation from the people around me, but for some reason I can't get it from myself. Here and there, I think I do trust myself. But that feeling doesn't stay for very long.

I have a fear in trusting myself and trusting others. I know this distrust is not unique to me. I know a lot of people who have the same fear, even those I didn't think would. I'm learning to trust that we all understand each other in a way after all, even if we don't necessarily want to haha.

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Maybe none of this makes sense, but I don't know how to explain it any better.

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I just want my equilibrium back. I think I'm slowly finding it. It's like I'm standing on a balance board, and the conditions changes around me. There are lots of falls as I try to maintain balance, but I'm getting back up, learning, adjusting, adapting, and doing whatever I need to do to get the right balance.

Ever-changing. Can't stay stagnant.

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I hope I'm making good decisions. But I realize I can only do what I can do, feel what I feel, etc. Likewise for everyone else. Just need to remind myself that everyone struggles, but no two people's struggles are exactly the same. Gotta make sure my empathy doesn't disappear haha.

I hit one of my lowest points yesterday.

I hadn't felt that hopeless and lost in a really long time. I made myself be alone, locked in my room for most of the day, with the wrong intentions. I drank past the point of caution. I didn't care. I knew I was going to get sick, and I still drank more than I knew I should have. And I was tempted to go beyond that. But I couldn't. I stopped. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to die or because I couldn't move anymore.

Afterward, when I could finally move again, I made that feeling of hopelessness and being lost a real one. 9:20 PM. I drove around San Jose with the hopes that it would help me calm down and think. I went up Calaveras, parked at a lookout point, stood in the cold and windy air for an hour, and then drove down Sierra. Then I drove to my mom's house. Then I drove up Bernal to IBM. Next was to turn around and reach the other end of Bernal. And I kept going. I found my way to Quimby somehow and turned right. And I kept going. At the end of Quimby, I turned right and just drove. For 20 miles. It was dark and empty. Lots of twists and turns. Lots of ups and downs. I didn't downshift. I didn't care. I could smell my brakes burning.

After 20 miles, I stopped. I didn't know where I was. Do I keep going, or do I turn around and go home? Do I stay there until the sun comes up? The thought of me dying on this road crossed my mind several times. But I had continued to drive. But at this point, when I finally really stopped my car, I realized I hadn't died. I drove as carefully (and recklessly) as I could. I was still alive. Do I still want to be alive?

I turned my car around and drove. 27 miles later, I'm on Alum Rock, heading toward a place I could fall asleep. I came back to the house I live in. 2:23 AM.

I remember almost everything I did yesterday, but I don't remember half the things I thought. But I know they were ugly thoughts.

I need to reflect on a lot of things and clear my head and conscience. Yesterday was the lowest point I reached in years. I did a lot of stupid and careless things. I didn't reach out to anyone, even though some had offered their love and time. I shut them out. All I saw was the ground, the dirt, and nothing else. I didn't deserve their love and time yesterday.

Strangely, today, I'm looking up. Yesterday's antics... I think I just needed to get a lot of shit out of me. Probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but I already feel a little better. I'm going to feel much better. I will reach out to someone. I will depend on my friends. I will learn how to not shut my loved ones out. I will struggle with this. But I will do my best not to do this to them again.

Is this the first time I've given up on something?

Tuesday night, I quit my job by email. Not how I wanted to quit. Well, I didn't want to quit. But I couldn't handle my stress; I actually ended up crying at work. I felt so pathetic. But I knew I wasn't going to be happy there, and I knew I would always be stressed if they didn't give me some training because I felt like I wasn't catching up where it was necessary. I made so many mistakes, and the only time I would know would be when they told me I did something wrong. They would tell me what was wrong and kinda tell me how to avoid making that mistake.

I was getting the what-to-do's of my job, but I wasn't necessarily understanding the how's. And definitely not the why's. And there really weren't many explanations for my job; it was less show, more tell. Because I didn't understand why I was doing certain things, I didn't always know when I should do them.

They held me responsible for things that I know I should be responsible for, but they had to understand I was still new to the job and I didn't know where everything was yet. Missing or misplaced hard drives and chassis. I didn't touch those particular parts; they had gone missing from Johnny's time in inventory. I know this because I did the physical inventory count on his last day and noted that those particular items were missing. But since he wasn't there anymore, I was responsible; they told me I had to find out what happened to the parts, but I didn't know how I was supposed to find out. If the people who have worked there for years don't know how to find out (and they had done my job before), how I am to know?

I need some guidance because I had zero experience.

The fact that inventory was only partly organized and all over the place made it difficult for me to track and find parts, especially the motherboards and chassis. Give me time to figure where everything is? Please stop moving the parts around without letting me know. But that happened, and I was held responsible when other people moved our parts without my knowledge. At least write it down on the note cards for me, or even just leave me a note on my desk. Why was I solely holding responsibility for the inventory when anyone else could go into inventory and take what they need? I couldn't always be in the inventory rooms. I had many places to be: my desk, main inventory room, second inventory room, third inventory room, Production (which was very large), back of warehouse, and front office.

Mainly I was just overwhelmed by how many responsibilities I had going in. Receiving, scanning, picking, counting, submitting RMAs, returning RMAs, updating information in the RMA software, emailing manufacturers about RMAs, adjusting sales order items, packaging, tracking things down. Because I was new to all of these responsibilities, I should have been eased into some of them. At the least, there should have been some thorough training and maybe a list of what my priorities should have been. I mean, after all, I was expecting to do assembly work because that's where my strongest skills lie; and there's not that much variety in assembly.

I wish I wasn't complaining about the company, but I just didn't fit in that work environment and the work environment didn't fit me. I would rather quit and use my time to find other work that suits me. So I'm hoping everything will work out. I know I could do the job I had, but only with proper training. Please explain to me why I'm doing something; so in the future, when I run into that reason, I know what to do next.

Blah. I felt so pathetic quitting the job, but I'm weaksauce when it comes to stress. Stressors from work and family built up too much. Can't quit family, so gotta quit the job. Haven't told my family. Hoping I won't have to.

I was offered a temp data entry job with Randstad, the same one from December. I just need to resubmit some forms that they'll email me. Hopefully, this job won't fall through this time. Yeah, still $10 an hour, but it's cool; I don't really drive around much. No overtime at Randstad either, I think; though, I don't think this last job paid me for overtime; either that, or they withheld a lot more of my pay than I expected. Anyway, Randstad job is in Mountain View, a mile and a half farther away from home than my old job in Fremont.

I really miss my job in Fremont. I miss my coworkers the most. They treated me like family; it was nice.

I've been applying to jobs on Craigslist and Snagajob nonstop. C'mon, data entry jobs, get back to me.

I just want a job with some training. Good on-the-job training that prepares me well. I mean, I know if I got a job where my mechanical skills came into use, training would be easier. If I get another office job, training might have to be a little more intensive and structured for me because of the multitasking that's involved.

I'm giving myself about two or so weeks to secure a job before I decide my family needs to know I don't have a job. This is so fun.


Oh yeah, Brother went to jail on Tuesday too. I didn't think it would affect me so much, but that thought affected me the whole day. I wasn't expecting it to have such an impact on me because I feel like it didn't really before. Maybe because I see the improvement he's made in his life and the fact that he's going to be a father to a little girl, I have hope that this will be the last time he seriously messes up.

Ah, I'm just a well of emotion this week.

I'm feeling lightheaded.

Monday is a furlough, but I still have to show up to campus for a class. Since my French instructor is only a TA, the furloughs don't affect her. I thought a campus-wide furlough meant all the classrooms and buildings would be closed, but I guess not.

So the past two or so days, I've been catching up on homework. I still have six assignments to either start or finish this weekend. I don't even know when two of those assignments are due XP because my profs never said anything about the due dates.

This past week has been all right. Nothing too exciting. But it was a fun week. Denny's on Tuesday with Brian and Shiva at 7 in the morning. And I actually had to show up to my Sociology class on Tuesday and Thursday.

Haven't posted to this blog since Sunday because I figure you don't need to know what I'm doing every day. Nor do I really care to remember every single detail. I mean, before, I was compulsive about updating every day, I guess. But I should break the habit. I feel incomplete when I don't update. That's not a good thing. Plus, I'm on campus for most of my awake time. So yeah.

This past week, I've been thinking about what I want to update about. I'm not really sure. I mean, there were things I wanted to update about, but then I forgot about them -shrug-

I don't know what to post about. I could update about my everyday stuff, but they're not that interesting. Really, on school days, I'm just going to class, walking with Lisa, Amy, Christine, and/or Albert, chillin' with Brian and Shiva, and doing homework. Nothing too interesting to share. Or interesting enough to share, but I don't make 'em seem very interesting.

Haha everything's interesting in my head. I just can't make 'em sound interesting outside of my head. Like, I can take pleasure in just being around friends, but I can't explain why that's so. No need for conversation anymore, and I can still have a good time -shrug- Maybe I'm just weird like that.

Lately, I've been finding it more difficult to talk to friends. I mean, I'm literally not saying much if anything at all, especially in the morning. Compared to last semester, I'm saying way less in the morning. I'm listening a lot more than usual. I'm not contributing much. I don't know why. Hm. Maybe I'm just really tired.

I've also been much more agitated. I just get so angry with Mother. Brother, not so much only because I see him like once a day, usually before I go to bed.

Mother has been pointing out that I've been very rude and disrespectful toward her. I know I have been. I haven't been putting myself in check when I talk to her for the past two weeks. I just can't stand how she talks to me now. Just as I'm sure she can't stand how I talk to her. Feels like a war. Neither side wants to compromise. Neither side trusts the other.

I don't know how to talk to her. I think about it, but nothing ever turns out right in my head.

She's making assumptions and accusations. I'm quick to lose my patience. I haven't yelled at her, but I've been acting as if she doesn't deserve the respect that a parent should receive from her child. She's been yelling at me, but she's also trying to do what she thinks is best for me. I know.

I'm not sure how I feel about this whole thing right now. A part of me wants to be angry at her for not going about this situation the "right" way. Another part of me wants to forgive her and just try to be the good daughter I'm supposed to be. Then there are other parts of me that want other (extreme) things.

You know, we could totally fix this problem if she would just listen to me, if I would just listen to her. If we could make a compromise, we could get along better. But every compromise we've made so far has been forgotten or broken.


For the past week, I've been thinking about me and my life in the context of all the lives around me. I know what I've been thinking. Or maybe I don't, since I can't find the right words. The words I say aloud always sound wrong.

Blaahh. My head is just... grr... Ineffable. The thoughts and the feelings, just ineffable.

You know what I've been wishing? That I was mute. I would just have to listen. I wouldn't have to talk. I could frustrate people for not talking, but they wouldn't be able to do anything about it. It wouldn't be a choice on my part. Now, because I can speak, when I don't talk, I know it annoys people. Really, I just don't feeling like talking.

As much as I don't wanna listen to all the negative shit in this world, I don't ever wanna be deaf. I still love music. Instead, I'd prefer it if people just stop complaining. Maybe I'd stop complaining. Hm.

If I was blind, I wouldn't mind. Not seeing. I don't see things anyway. I see people. If I was blind, maybe I'd finally see things and people for what they really are. Sight blinds me.


Is there ever a point to any of my entries?


Tomorrow's Lunar New Year. Yay. D's coming over :) I didn't really get to see him last weekend 'cause I was out. Tomorrow, though, I'll be home.

If tomorrow is a good start to the year, I'll update about it. Though, my mom is already paranoid about the new year because she read one of those Vietnamese Buddhist prediction book things. Apparently, this year of the tiger will be bad for me. I will be betrayed or swindled by friends. This would explain a lot of things my mom's been saying to me about the friends I have.


Lots of other things I wanna talk about. But I won't. Not now. They make me feel like I'm wallowing in self-pity.

Blah. Hopefully, tomorrow, a new (lunar) year will refresh me. Usually does, just like the solar new year does.


-sigh- I'm gonna be honest. Right now, all I want to do is to stop thinking, to sleep, to dream a nice dream. What I really want is a nice, long hug from someone who really cares and won't let go. haha :P I'm just kidding. I just need a break. I just wanna lie down on the ground, look up at the ceiling (or the sky), and listen to the quiet/wind/background noise.

I never really notice things

I don't notice the things people wear. I don't notice how they decorate their rooms, their cars, their bodies. I might notice how they present themselves, how they decorate their personalities.

Mother, D, and I were talking about how D doesn't notice the women around him, at work, wherever, which is good, you know. He doesn't notice what they wear or anything like that. Why do we need to notice? I mean, I notice people, beautiful people, other people. I just don't notice what color their shirt is or what style of shoes they're wearing. Why should I? It's not that important to me.

Why do we need to notice? Other than to understand a person's facade, apparent personality, and general taste in fashion. It doesn't tell you too much about a person, unless you're trained to read their appearance. And I'm willing to bet that most people are not trained to do so.

Hm, so why do people, mainly women, expect others to notice their new clothes, their new hairstyle, their new whatever? [And I admit to doing this too, though not openly. It's all in my head.] Why should we care? Eventually, new becomes old, and it's all in the past.

Still, I try to notice. I've taken the hint from people that they want me to see something about them. And I'd like to compliment people, but it doesn't happen often. It's not in the forefront of my mind. Again, why should it be? Yeah, I want to make people happy. Maybe I should try a little harder to accomplish the small goal. Maybe. I just don't always see it as my way of doing so, but sometimes I feel like that's the only thing that's going to please a person.

How shallow of me to think so...


So LASIK is becoming a real option. I don't know. I don't really wanna get LASIK. Kinda weird to think about. No glasses. Though, apparently, I would still have to wear sunglasses O_o I'm used to glasses. I'm used to seeing frames around my eyes. I think I look better with glasses.

I'm stalling on calling the surgeon's office. Not a big fan of surgery. Never had a serious one before, only small stuff. And you have to be awake for this. Even though you won't see or feel anything. Still, I don't want to be awake thinking about a laser being focused on my eyes.

What do you think? Should I get LASIK? Mother wants me to get it done over Winter Break. Start the new year without eyeglasses. That would be a change from the usual.

If I get LASIK, wanna go with me to choose a pair of cool-looking sunglasses?


I have a few problems. Physical ones. I usually don't quantify them, but I will here. Apparently, I had a couple of problems when I was born. Though not many, my family always made me feel like I gave them too many problems.

I used to be slightly cross-eyed when I was one or two. Now, I just wear eyeglasses to correct my vision. Maybe by the end of this year, that won't be a problem anymore.

I used to get ear infections, just like many other children did. Although, my infections happened frequently and often. Had to have a small surgery to insert a tube or something in my ear (or ears, I don't remember). Now, no more infections, yay. But I have a hard trouble hearing sometimes. And I'm not very good with locating sounds :( My binaural cues do not help at all. I think one ear is weaker at receiving sound than the other. Explains why I can never locate ringing cellphones XP

Hm, it seems that my sense of smell is lacking as well. I can't always distinguish scents. Don't know how to explain that haha.

My back has been a problem for several years now. Scoliosis. Can't sit straight up for a long time. Hurts my lower back and shoulders. I think it's my trapezius muscles (or whatever muscles attach to my scapula) that experience the most pain.

My left knee started hurting about a year after I found out I had scoliosis. The pain has since become intermittent and moved to the muscles in my thigh and calf as well. May or may not be related to the back problem. One doctor said that many girls had knee problems. Depends on how we walk, how the muscles rub against the knee cap. So who knows? But my left leg is much weaker than my right. I should at least be able to put all my weight on my left foot, but I can't without a lot of discomfort.

These aren't many or serious problems, but they are a part of my life. I just wish my mom didn't make me feel like I've been a burden. I try to deal with these things without telling her, but then she says I don't confide in her. When I confide about how I'm feeling about anything, it's like I'm just bothering her with more of my problems.

Yes, I do admit that I use these as excuses for being inadequate, inefficient, incapable. Usually justified, sometimes not >_> Sometimes, it's also hard to downplay how much something bothers me. But I try. I don't want people to think I don't try, that I resort to these things as soon as things get tough. I just don't like pushing the boundaries on my abilities and pain threshold XP


Anyway, I really need to get started on my homework haha. Should finish early. Leave more time for resting and fun. Q&A Movie Night on Wednesday :D Game Night on Thursday. Yay.