I'm feeling lightheaded.

Monday is a furlough, but I still have to show up to campus for a class. Since my French instructor is only a TA, the furloughs don't affect her. I thought a campus-wide furlough meant all the classrooms and buildings would be closed, but I guess not.

So the past two or so days, I've been catching up on homework. I still have six assignments to either start or finish this weekend. I don't even know when two of those assignments are due XP because my profs never said anything about the due dates.

This past week has been all right. Nothing too exciting. But it was a fun week. Denny's on Tuesday with Brian and Shiva at 7 in the morning. And I actually had to show up to my Sociology class on Tuesday and Thursday.

Haven't posted to this blog since Sunday because I figure you don't need to know what I'm doing every day. Nor do I really care to remember every single detail. I mean, before, I was compulsive about updating every day, I guess. But I should break the habit. I feel incomplete when I don't update. That's not a good thing. Plus, I'm on campus for most of my awake time. So yeah.

This past week, I've been thinking about what I want to update about. I'm not really sure. I mean, there were things I wanted to update about, but then I forgot about them -shrug-

I don't know what to post about. I could update about my everyday stuff, but they're not that interesting. Really, on school days, I'm just going to class, walking with Lisa, Amy, Christine, and/or Albert, chillin' with Brian and Shiva, and doing homework. Nothing too interesting to share. Or interesting enough to share, but I don't make 'em seem very interesting.

Haha everything's interesting in my head. I just can't make 'em sound interesting outside of my head. Like, I can take pleasure in just being around friends, but I can't explain why that's so. No need for conversation anymore, and I can still have a good time -shrug- Maybe I'm just weird like that.

Lately, I've been finding it more difficult to talk to friends. I mean, I'm literally not saying much if anything at all, especially in the morning. Compared to last semester, I'm saying way less in the morning. I'm listening a lot more than usual. I'm not contributing much. I don't know why. Hm. Maybe I'm just really tired.

I've also been much more agitated. I just get so angry with Mother. Brother, not so much only because I see him like once a day, usually before I go to bed.

Mother has been pointing out that I've been very rude and disrespectful toward her. I know I have been. I haven't been putting myself in check when I talk to her for the past two weeks. I just can't stand how she talks to me now. Just as I'm sure she can't stand how I talk to her. Feels like a war. Neither side wants to compromise. Neither side trusts the other.

I don't know how to talk to her. I think about it, but nothing ever turns out right in my head.

She's making assumptions and accusations. I'm quick to lose my patience. I haven't yelled at her, but I've been acting as if she doesn't deserve the respect that a parent should receive from her child. She's been yelling at me, but she's also trying to do what she thinks is best for me. I know.

I'm not sure how I feel about this whole thing right now. A part of me wants to be angry at her for not going about this situation the "right" way. Another part of me wants to forgive her and just try to be the good daughter I'm supposed to be. Then there are other parts of me that want other (extreme) things.

You know, we could totally fix this problem if she would just listen to me, if I would just listen to her. If we could make a compromise, we could get along better. But every compromise we've made so far has been forgotten or broken.


For the past week, I've been thinking about me and my life in the context of all the lives around me. I know what I've been thinking. Or maybe I don't, since I can't find the right words. The words I say aloud always sound wrong.

Blaahh. My head is just... grr... Ineffable. The thoughts and the feelings, just ineffable.

You know what I've been wishing? That I was mute. I would just have to listen. I wouldn't have to talk. I could frustrate people for not talking, but they wouldn't be able to do anything about it. It wouldn't be a choice on my part. Now, because I can speak, when I don't talk, I know it annoys people. Really, I just don't feeling like talking.

As much as I don't wanna listen to all the negative shit in this world, I don't ever wanna be deaf. I still love music. Instead, I'd prefer it if people just stop complaining. Maybe I'd stop complaining. Hm.

If I was blind, I wouldn't mind. Not seeing. I don't see things anyway. I see people. If I was blind, maybe I'd finally see things and people for what they really are. Sight blinds me.


Is there ever a point to any of my entries?


Tomorrow's Lunar New Year. Yay. D's coming over :) I didn't really get to see him last weekend 'cause I was out. Tomorrow, though, I'll be home.

If tomorrow is a good start to the year, I'll update about it. Though, my mom is already paranoid about the new year because she read one of those Vietnamese Buddhist prediction book things. Apparently, this year of the tiger will be bad for me. I will be betrayed or swindled by friends. This would explain a lot of things my mom's been saying to me about the friends I have.


Lots of other things I wanna talk about. But I won't. Not now. They make me feel like I'm wallowing in self-pity.

Blah. Hopefully, tomorrow, a new (lunar) year will refresh me. Usually does, just like the solar new year does.


-sigh- I'm gonna be honest. Right now, all I want to do is to stop thinking, to sleep, to dream a nice dream. What I really want is a nice, long hug from someone who really cares and won't let go. haha :P I'm just kidding. I just need a break. I just wanna lie down on the ground, look up at the ceiling (or the sky), and listen to the quiet/wind/background noise.