I want to be a good friend.

I always offer my time and my shoulders to my friends. I always want to be there for them.

Some friends take what is offered. Some don't. Some take and don't even acknowledge it. Some pretend to acknowledge but overlook the good that is offered.

I suppose I can't be a good friend to everyone. Is it wrong that I do not wish to be there for and support someone who seems to overlook my friendship? I feel like I should be the "bigger" person and just be there, even though it tears at me that I'm there but they don't see it that way. They feel "forever alone." I was there. But now I don't really want to be. But I still am.

And it just hurts to be there and to feel like I can't make any difference in their life. Because I know I can't. I can only say what's on my mind. I can't change someone else's life. So I've learned to just listen, to be present, and to offer what I can offer. Still, it feels like what I do doesn't do anything. They won't take the steps to change, and I haven't been able to convince them. They're content in their misery. They're content to wallow. No matter how many words of encouragement I try to give, they won't try to help themselves. They just stay in the rut that they've made a home of.

I know what it's like to be in a place like that. I was there for the longest time. Sometimes, I feel tempted to go back. But I have friends and myself to keep me up and keep me from going back to that. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm trying to change the way I think and live. My friends have been able to make similar changes in their own lives. Their presence in my life is part of my motivation for my self-improvement.

Anyone who reminds me of where I used to be... I can empathize. That's why I do want to be there for them. I just don't think I have the patience to continue to stick around and feel useless in helping them get through tough times. I'm tired of walking on eggshells when what I have to say is something that they already know but don't want to hear.

This is how I see this friend... That's why I don't think I could be a good friend to them.

I dunno. I feel petty for thinking like this.

-sigh- Taking things in stride. Or trying to. I don't know how I'm doing.


In random news, I'm getting new glasses soon. Or rather just new (transition) lenses but in Shiva's old frames, which are new to me :P Yay, Costco. Saving money where I can. Except I don't think I saved that much -_- But yeah, should be getting them next week or the week after. Hopefully next week :)
 

More random news, my mom and I recently figured out that we used to know Vivi's aunt when I was a child. What a small world... Life is so full of possibilities, but we receive and take few chances. Or so it seems. Maybe we just miss the chances we wish we could have somehow seen first. A missed reconnection for Vivi's aunt and my mom. So close, yet so far...

But next week, we'll reconnect with her when we visit her at Oak Hill with flowers and apples. Buddhist ritual? I guess so.


I've noticed something about this year. I've had a lot of friends call me while crying. I mean I know it's not unusual to get those calls, but I feel like there have been so many (for me) in the past eight months. I just couldn't help but notice. A part of me feels good that my friends feel like they can turn to me in moments of such sadness and pain. But another part of me feels sad that my friends go through so much at all.

I wish I could be as strong as them. To have the strength to trust someone else during a time of vulnerability. I confide in my friends but only when the opportunity is presented or offered. I've never called a friend, not even Shiva, in any of my dark moments. I've never sought a friend when I knew I needed one. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to seek out a good friend when I need one most.

What do you think that says about me?

Resolutions

For life... :D

I realize I haven't mentioned any resolutions for 2012 yet. I have resolutions. Not just for 2012. More for my whole life. Hmm, it's more of a multi-part resolution for self-improvement:

To open up and let people in. To aim for all-or-nothing honesty. To be comfortable enough with myself by myself and around others. To not take shit from anyone. To stand up to those whom I fear. To reason with both my head and my heart.

I know I won't be perfect, and I know I regress. But I'm trying. I think I've been doing pretty well. I don't really have anything to gauge my progress. But I feel like I'm heading toward a point in my life where I am satisfied with myself, the person I'm becoming. I open up and confide in more than one person now. I'm getting better with being honest haha. I haven't lied about anything important XP I'm most definitely happy being by myself now that I'm choosing to spend more time alone than with people. But when I am around people, I'm a lot better at not being so closed off. But I don't try too hard to get a conversation going. I realize I'm not a fan of small talk. If I'm gonna ask you something, I must really want to know your answer. I'm confronting people who hurt me. Well, except Mother. That's still something I need to figure out how to approach. Standing up to people really just applies to Mother. Again, still thinking that one out. But I've occasionally been emotionally strong enough to confront her about some things. That's new and scary, but I'm doing it. Thinking with my logic and emotions is difficult. Still trying to find that balance...

I guess this resolution thing is just always for self-improvement. For me, self-improvement just means becoming a person that I can be proud of. And not hate or feel ashamed of. I'm learning to like myself more. Gotta like myself before I love myself haha.

But yeah, I've been feeling a lot more positive and generally happier with myself. I have my days where everything just seems to tear me down, but I'm fighting those days. They are becoming fewer and farther between. It's amazing that I can feel this way. I used to think it would be impossible to get to this place.

And I used to think I would need a significant other to get me to this place. But the past couple of months have proved that I don't. All I need are good friends, good music, good food, and good times haha. Seriously, I wouldn't be where I am without my friends. And I know, I wouldn't be where I am without my own effort. I'm learning to credit myself as much as I credit my friends for some of the good things in my life. The three friends I've been turning to the most in the past couple of months are Shiva, Matt, and Vivi. I've turned to other friends as well, but nowhere near as much as to these three. I'm grateful for the friends I have. Without y'all, who knows where I would be right now?

Oh, tangents. I don't think I will ever be able to shake them off :P

I think for the most part, these resolutions will be the some of the last ones I will make. Any other changes or goals I want in my life, I won't wait for a new year to get started on them.

Stupid, angry, drunk brother.

"Why am I related to an idiot?"

My anger speaking.

Frustrated and exhausted.

Brother is an idiot.

Today was supposed to be a chill day with Shiva, watching movies, talking, and making tofu jerky.

Instead, we had to waste two hours driving back and forth because Brother can't communicate, because he can't be upfront the first time around or at all.

Short story: Drunk brother couldn't start his car and ended up twisting his car key somehow. Angry, drunk brother punched his driver side window. Stupid, angry, drunk brother does not share any of this information in the first phone call, making me drive all over San Jose when all of it was unnecessary.

Two hours and about three gallons of gas used up, ending in a major waste of time. My time, Shiva's time, Brother's girlfriend's time, and my friend Killol's time.

All he had to fucking do was tell me he wanted the spare key. I could have driven home, got the key, and dropped it off. But no, he told me he wanted me to give him a ride home. I got to his friend's house in East Side after he didn't even give me the right directions, and he told me he wanted the spare key to his car. I had to drive all the way back home in South Side to get the key. Then I went to downtown to pick up Killol, so he could drive Brother's car home. We got back to Brother's location, and he decides he doesn't fucking want to go home anymore...


I don't know why I've been getting so angry or triggered so much the past few weeks/months. I feel sorry for my car. I was gunning it in the two hours I wasted because I was so angry. Reckless, angry driving. I'm sorry, car.

Really, I wanted to cry because of how angry I was today. So much crying I've been wanting to do, but I haven't. I feel like it might happen at an inappropriate time.

Ahhhhh! So fucking frustrated. Why am I so angry?


I'm tired of being angry...

I am Viet.

I apologize in advance for the randomness, jumpiness, disjointedness, and incompleteness of this entry.


Internalized racism... is not something I've really had to face. Or I've faced it, but I guess I never thought too much about it. And it never got to the point where I wished I had been born a different race. I've just wished to be someone different in general, happier, more attractive, more outgoing, just better. I never attached this wish for being different with my race. I've looked down on Vietnamese people for various reasons throughout my life. But I always think, "Who am I to look down on people that I personally don't know? Who am I to look down on anyone?" I know some Viet people. Even though some of them seem to fit these ideas I have of Viet people, I know just as many Viet people who don't (I can't forget my own person, you know).

I know my race, culture, upbringing, and all the related things contribute to the person I've become. They contribute to the life that I have. But I've never blamed or felt shame for the life I was given. If anything, I've only ever felt shame because I haven't done anything with what I've been given and I don't know what to do with it. But that's a different story.

My mom has tried to enforce her personal, Viet beliefs on me throughout my life. I pick and choose the ones that are compatible with my life. She tries to push all of them on me, and I rebuff and politely decline the ideas I don't agree with. Being Vietnamese by blood doesn't imply that I must live by Vietnamese standards. I know that. My mom understands it, but she tries to ignore it.

I personally have never felt antagonized by Viet culture or people. I've never felt antagonized for the life I was born into. If anything, I've only thought of it as there being a lot of people in this world who disagree with me or who make assumptions and dislike me without ever getting to know me.

I guess I'm more focused on being affected by people I actually know rather than a general group of people that I only know a part of. Also, generalizing and assuming things about a group of people, even one to which I belong, means I'm doing the same thing that I believe they do to me. And I just can't get my head around justifying that for myself.

There are parts of Viet culture that I love, like bun bo hue, ao dai, and Tet. There are parts that I greatly dislike, such as the hierarchy of family and the restrictions on females. But I feel similarly about the other cultures that I am a part of. American culture: I like the individualism, but I dislike the excessive consumerism. Queer culture: I like the acceptance within the community, but it is not without its own prejudices.

Culture and identity are just ideas in my head. I know that. Ideas taught through words and actions, shaped by my personal interpretation. Sometimes, the ideas are forceful; other times, they're subtle and sneaky. But I control my perspective, choose what I accept, decide who to be, allow myself to be influenced in which way.

To be honest, I have never felt like I had an identity. I still don't really identify strongly with any of the communities. I only started to identify with groups of people when I joined QTIP and Q&A. I identify by what people wish to see of me: Queer, Asian, Vietnamese, American, female, young adult. I put myself in other people's boxes to make it easier for them to see me. But for me personally, I don't really identify as any of these. It's an "I do, but I don't" kind of thing, which I know a lot of people don't understand and probably don't like. But that's me for you.

These are my identities, but I'm not strongly attached to them. If you asked me what I truly identify as, it could be a very simple answer or a very long, maybe convoluted explanation. I wouldn't say Viet, queer, female, or even human. Really, there is no word for my identity. I'd say, "My identity is..." and I'd point at myself. That tells people nothing because I know they want clear-cut answers. I can't give them that because clear-cut answers aren't really my answers. To know what my identity is, you have to get to know me. And I'm constantly getting to know myself, so good luck.

I am a part of various groups of people, but I am I. If you take away my group identities, I'd still be the same person, just with fewer group identities. I am a person with a history that's influenced by and connected to various other people and their identities and histories.

My ultimate identity is a balance between various given identities. I do the balancing. I'm responsible for my identity. I feel no shame for the identities I was given or born into. I don't feel pride either. Shame and pride are reserved for my actions, my decisions, and my effort. Things I can't control do not need my shame or pride. Being Vietnamese is not something I can control or change. It just something that is. So I don't bother myself about the thought of it.

I am Vietnamese, American, queer, female, etc. I am none of that. But I am just that. But I am beyond that. (This is my attempt to explain how I feel about identity.) My identity is how I see myself, but I accept it is also how you see me. That's why I accept that there are multiple identities in one person. But to me, the multiple identities become one unique identity for the specific person, which is a part of the original identities but doesn't fit into the original identities...



I know this is disjointed. But I can't focus on anything for too long haha. But I wanted to blog about this because it's preoccupied me for the past day or so. But I didn't even say everything I wanted to say because I forgot them -___-


I am who I am. You are who you are. I will try to not prejudge you based on my assumptions and past because I know everyone is different. Same but different. Nuances are what make it so difficult to just stereotype people and stick to those judgments. At most, my first judgment of you will be "nice," "not nice," or "eh."


I've only ever seen a person as a person. A stranger. With a name and a face. With thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. With identities. With potential for communication and friendship. The details flesh themselves out as we get to know each other and grow together. Regardless of whether you look or identify as Asian, black, Latino, or white. Your appearance and your identity tell me some things, like what you look like and how you think other people see you, but they say so little about you otherwise as a person.

If you do something awesome, awesome not because you're Viet or American, but because you're doing it. If you do something horrible, well that's horrible because you're doing it. If you discredit a group of people just for being what they didn't choose to be, then you disregard some amazing people who just happen to be what you don't like. You might call them the exception, but what's an exception, other than something you didn't account for in the first place?

I don't like making assumptions about people. Because people assume things about me all the time, based on my appearance, identity, dress, talk, and walk. And I'm sure sometimes they're right and sometimes they're wrong. But they won't know until they know me.

I'm never going to get to know a whole community. That's fine. But that means I can't generalize because I won't know the whole community. I will only ever know a part of it. If Viet people just happen to behave the similarly, I'll attribute it to personal reasons. If Viet people happen to act differently, I'll still attribute it to personal reasons.

Everybody influences everybody else. In small and big ways. Fighting it is just tiring. I embrace it if I feel it's good for me, or I let it go if it's not. If I can't let it go because it's always in my face, well... I'm still learning how to overcome that obstacle. But blaming and feeling shame for the influences on our lives just create an unnecessarily heavier burden for us to carry. And we end up pushing that burden onto people who don't deserve our antagonism.

Life goes on, and you go on with it. Sadly, there's no perfect universal way of living, so you make do with what you've been given (including the restrictions) and you make your own perfect way of living. Live your life the best possible way you can, and take on the obstacles as they come.


Wow, this entry is all over the place. Too much thinking and feeling that did not translate into words. Clearly, I just can't think clearly anymore.

Maybe I'll revisit this topic another time when I can think better in words :P

Recent realizations...

Just wanted to put some random thoughts and whatevers down somewhere before I forgot:

+ I haven't been to a concert in over two years. I've been talking to people about concerts they've been to. I didn't know what concerts I would look forward to. I've seen Linkin Park, Hoobastank, POD, Three Days Grace, Blue October, and Owl City perform. Fun stuff back then. Now I don't really care. Or I don't know which music artists to care about. After some thinking and listening, I'd have to say I would want to see Mutemath in concert. I've been listening to them ever since I found them on Myspace back in high school. A departure from all the angry music I listened to when I was younger. Not necessarily happy-go-lucky music, but just really good music that makes me feel good haha. I dunno. Just something about their sound, their voices, and just everything that gets to me. Something in their music that moves me.

I looked up their touring schedule. They'll be at the Shoreline in September on the Honda Civic Tour with Linkin Park and Incubus. I'm assuming Mutemath will be an opener. I'd like to see them perform, but I don't particularly want to see the headliners, which is funny because I wouldn't have said this about two or three years ago. I used to love LP and Incubus. I still enjoy their old music, but I know nothing about their new stuff. But anyway, Mutemath haha. Their headlining tour starts a little after the Shoreline date, except they're not coming back to the Bay ;-; So... sad.

+ I'm the happiest I have been in a long time. Happy as in I don't fall back to dark thoughts when times get tough. I'm getting better at not letting my situations pull me down to a level where I feel helpless. I don't feel as helpless as I used to. I feel like I can actually do things for myself. Slowly but surely :)

+ I'm talking back to my mom more often now. Though, I'm not really sure if it's talking back. It could just be me learning how to stand up for myself against my mom. I regress here and there, but I'm starting to defend myself. It scares me. But I'm doing it. I can't say I'm doing it properly because I don't know what that would be. But I'm finding myself to be a little more honest with her. Not about everything because I know I can't handle that. I don't think she could either.

I'm shaking my head haha. She wants honesty, but she'll stop listening when she doesn't like what she hears. So I might as well just not be that honest. She wants me to be an adult and be responsible for myself. Yet, she won't let me make my own decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. She wants me to be a people person, but she doesn't want me to go out and interact with people because they could negatively influence or harm me. She wants me to live a good life, but she won't let me go make my life happen. What she says and what she does don't coincide. I'm finding that it's getting harder to really listen to her.

+ I want to leave San Jose. I've lived here my whole life. I've never lived anywhere else, and I don't even know half this city. The farthest I've been from home is somewhere around LA, and that lasted less than a week. Before, I contented myself with the thought of staying here for the rest of my life. I didn't leave SJ for college, even though I had wanted to (but still with the thought of coming back). Even now, after graduating from SJSU, I still haven't left. But it's more of a money problem than a mental tether to the city or family. The tether is there, but it doesn't feel that strong. Family has kept me here. But now, family is the reason I want to leave. I need that break I've always wanted. Leaving SJ would be that break. The breaking of the tether.

Where will I go? I don't know yet. But I will go. It will be an act of letting go, something I am constantly working on.

+ D is my hero. I always thought I didn't look up to anyone. No aspirations. No motivation. No one inspired me. I had no hero. No role model. But a few sleepless nights ago, I realized I always had a role model and a hero, but I just never credited him as such. If I let myself regret anything, it would be that I didn't figure out what he was to me before now. Or maybe I always saw him as such but just never put it into words. He's done so much for so little. He does things without the desire for the attention that should go with doing so much. A lot of my values come from him, from learning from him. He teaches me so much without having to try, he listens before he speaks, he tries to understand what is foreign to him without allowing his assumptions to cloud his judgment, and he respects me as a fellow human being. He does all this, despite coming from a culture that seems to be averse to such behavior. D is my hero. He's not perfect. He's not very successful by societal standards. He doesn't have a college degree or a high-paying job. He's not married. He doesn't travel. He doesn't do extremely exciting things. But he finds joy in the simple things. He appreciates life and what it has given him, even if it wasn't much. He wishes he could have been a better person, but he accepts who he is, flaws and all. To me, D is amazing.

I know I haven't really mentioned D in a long time, but then again I haven't really blogged much. But just letting you know he is still very much a strong and steady part of my life.

+ I don't hate being alone. Alone doesn't mean lonely anymore. So that's nice. That's probably why I'm happier haha. I'm embracing my introversion. No more fighting it. Or rather attempting to fight it and failing. I used to think I'd be happier if I just stuck myself around people more often. Fooled myself for a while. Now, I keep to myself most of the time without thinking I should go out or talk to people more often. I'm pretty happy with that. Granted, I'm not genuinely alone in the way that I want to be because I do live with my mom. But when I am truly alone with myself, I feel great. And granted, I'm not developing my interpersonal skills as much. But when I do, I'm not too bad. Maybe just a little slow and awkward haha. But it doesn't feel like a detriment to my well-being, so that's ok, yeah? Haha.

Even though I don't have an uncontrollable desire to be around people or in a relationship, I still think it's nice to be around people or in a relationship. I'm not averse to those ideas. I'm just happy with my current situation, which is so strange for me to say because I've never felt like this before. I used to dwell on the fact that I wasn't around people enough and the fact that I had never been in love or something like that. Now that I've experienced what I always thought I wanted, I don't feel the need to dwell.

I've learned from my experiences. I'm learning. Also from friends. I've learned what I want is to be happy. That hasn't changed. How I can get that happiness, that might have changed. Other people's happiness still affect mine. I don't think that's ever gonna change, as much as I might want it to. A few good friends, good conversation, good music, good food, good sleep, and simply living as best as I can... I think these are the things I need to be happy. Well, also high self-esteem, an open mind, good vibes, respect, hugs, dreams, and other things I can't think of right now haha.

+ I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be. It feels good to not hate myself. I don't think I'm that worthless anymore haha. I mean, I know I may not be very useful in most ways, but I'm not hopeless. So that's good :P


Oh, well, there goes that memory of mine. I don't remember the rest of the random stuff I wanted to put down.

This year has been a good year. Aside from the death, pain, and grief from events that have passed. It's been a year of personal growth for me, and it doesn't feel fake. There's still an infinite amount of growing I can do. But how much I've already been through feels like such a significant amount. Because I feel like I didn't grow much before. This year's just been different. Same in some ways, I'm sure. But the differences are there. It's been a good year, and there's still five months of it left (even though I don't think time really exists :P)

I'm actually meeting most if not all of my resolutions haha. That's definitely different. I should post those on here sometime. I don't think I have yet.

Anyway, my bed has been calling to me for an hour. But I wanted to finish this entry. Now, I'm done because I can't remember the rest of what I wanted to put down -sigh- Typical haha.