Recent realizations...

Just wanted to put some random thoughts and whatevers down somewhere before I forgot:

+ I haven't been to a concert in over two years. I've been talking to people about concerts they've been to. I didn't know what concerts I would look forward to. I've seen Linkin Park, Hoobastank, POD, Three Days Grace, Blue October, and Owl City perform. Fun stuff back then. Now I don't really care. Or I don't know which music artists to care about. After some thinking and listening, I'd have to say I would want to see Mutemath in concert. I've been listening to them ever since I found them on Myspace back in high school. A departure from all the angry music I listened to when I was younger. Not necessarily happy-go-lucky music, but just really good music that makes me feel good haha. I dunno. Just something about their sound, their voices, and just everything that gets to me. Something in their music that moves me.

I looked up their touring schedule. They'll be at the Shoreline in September on the Honda Civic Tour with Linkin Park and Incubus. I'm assuming Mutemath will be an opener. I'd like to see them perform, but I don't particularly want to see the headliners, which is funny because I wouldn't have said this about two or three years ago. I used to love LP and Incubus. I still enjoy their old music, but I know nothing about their new stuff. But anyway, Mutemath haha. Their headlining tour starts a little after the Shoreline date, except they're not coming back to the Bay ;-; So... sad.

+ I'm the happiest I have been in a long time. Happy as in I don't fall back to dark thoughts when times get tough. I'm getting better at not letting my situations pull me down to a level where I feel helpless. I don't feel as helpless as I used to. I feel like I can actually do things for myself. Slowly but surely :)

+ I'm talking back to my mom more often now. Though, I'm not really sure if it's talking back. It could just be me learning how to stand up for myself against my mom. I regress here and there, but I'm starting to defend myself. It scares me. But I'm doing it. I can't say I'm doing it properly because I don't know what that would be. But I'm finding myself to be a little more honest with her. Not about everything because I know I can't handle that. I don't think she could either.

I'm shaking my head haha. She wants honesty, but she'll stop listening when she doesn't like what she hears. So I might as well just not be that honest. She wants me to be an adult and be responsible for myself. Yet, she won't let me make my own decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. She wants me to be a people person, but she doesn't want me to go out and interact with people because they could negatively influence or harm me. She wants me to live a good life, but she won't let me go make my life happen. What she says and what she does don't coincide. I'm finding that it's getting harder to really listen to her.

+ I want to leave San Jose. I've lived here my whole life. I've never lived anywhere else, and I don't even know half this city. The farthest I've been from home is somewhere around LA, and that lasted less than a week. Before, I contented myself with the thought of staying here for the rest of my life. I didn't leave SJ for college, even though I had wanted to (but still with the thought of coming back). Even now, after graduating from SJSU, I still haven't left. But it's more of a money problem than a mental tether to the city or family. The tether is there, but it doesn't feel that strong. Family has kept me here. But now, family is the reason I want to leave. I need that break I've always wanted. Leaving SJ would be that break. The breaking of the tether.

Where will I go? I don't know yet. But I will go. It will be an act of letting go, something I am constantly working on.

+ D is my hero. I always thought I didn't look up to anyone. No aspirations. No motivation. No one inspired me. I had no hero. No role model. But a few sleepless nights ago, I realized I always had a role model and a hero, but I just never credited him as such. If I let myself regret anything, it would be that I didn't figure out what he was to me before now. Or maybe I always saw him as such but just never put it into words. He's done so much for so little. He does things without the desire for the attention that should go with doing so much. A lot of my values come from him, from learning from him. He teaches me so much without having to try, he listens before he speaks, he tries to understand what is foreign to him without allowing his assumptions to cloud his judgment, and he respects me as a fellow human being. He does all this, despite coming from a culture that seems to be averse to such behavior. D is my hero. He's not perfect. He's not very successful by societal standards. He doesn't have a college degree or a high-paying job. He's not married. He doesn't travel. He doesn't do extremely exciting things. But he finds joy in the simple things. He appreciates life and what it has given him, even if it wasn't much. He wishes he could have been a better person, but he accepts who he is, flaws and all. To me, D is amazing.

I know I haven't really mentioned D in a long time, but then again I haven't really blogged much. But just letting you know he is still very much a strong and steady part of my life.

+ I don't hate being alone. Alone doesn't mean lonely anymore. So that's nice. That's probably why I'm happier haha. I'm embracing my introversion. No more fighting it. Or rather attempting to fight it and failing. I used to think I'd be happier if I just stuck myself around people more often. Fooled myself for a while. Now, I keep to myself most of the time without thinking I should go out or talk to people more often. I'm pretty happy with that. Granted, I'm not genuinely alone in the way that I want to be because I do live with my mom. But when I am truly alone with myself, I feel great. And granted, I'm not developing my interpersonal skills as much. But when I do, I'm not too bad. Maybe just a little slow and awkward haha. But it doesn't feel like a detriment to my well-being, so that's ok, yeah? Haha.

Even though I don't have an uncontrollable desire to be around people or in a relationship, I still think it's nice to be around people or in a relationship. I'm not averse to those ideas. I'm just happy with my current situation, which is so strange for me to say because I've never felt like this before. I used to dwell on the fact that I wasn't around people enough and the fact that I had never been in love or something like that. Now that I've experienced what I always thought I wanted, I don't feel the need to dwell.

I've learned from my experiences. I'm learning. Also from friends. I've learned what I want is to be happy. That hasn't changed. How I can get that happiness, that might have changed. Other people's happiness still affect mine. I don't think that's ever gonna change, as much as I might want it to. A few good friends, good conversation, good music, good food, good sleep, and simply living as best as I can... I think these are the things I need to be happy. Well, also high self-esteem, an open mind, good vibes, respect, hugs, dreams, and other things I can't think of right now haha.

+ I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be. It feels good to not hate myself. I don't think I'm that worthless anymore haha. I mean, I know I may not be very useful in most ways, but I'm not hopeless. So that's good :P


Oh, well, there goes that memory of mine. I don't remember the rest of the random stuff I wanted to put down.

This year has been a good year. Aside from the death, pain, and grief from events that have passed. It's been a year of personal growth for me, and it doesn't feel fake. There's still an infinite amount of growing I can do. But how much I've already been through feels like such a significant amount. Because I feel like I didn't grow much before. This year's just been different. Same in some ways, I'm sure. But the differences are there. It's been a good year, and there's still five months of it left (even though I don't think time really exists :P)

I'm actually meeting most if not all of my resolutions haha. That's definitely different. I should post those on here sometime. I don't think I have yet.

Anyway, my bed has been calling to me for an hour. But I wanted to finish this entry. Now, I'm done because I can't remember the rest of what I wanted to put down -sigh- Typical haha.