I am Viet.

I apologize in advance for the randomness, jumpiness, disjointedness, and incompleteness of this entry.


Internalized racism... is not something I've really had to face. Or I've faced it, but I guess I never thought too much about it. And it never got to the point where I wished I had been born a different race. I've just wished to be someone different in general, happier, more attractive, more outgoing, just better. I never attached this wish for being different with my race. I've looked down on Vietnamese people for various reasons throughout my life. But I always think, "Who am I to look down on people that I personally don't know? Who am I to look down on anyone?" I know some Viet people. Even though some of them seem to fit these ideas I have of Viet people, I know just as many Viet people who don't (I can't forget my own person, you know).

I know my race, culture, upbringing, and all the related things contribute to the person I've become. They contribute to the life that I have. But I've never blamed or felt shame for the life I was given. If anything, I've only ever felt shame because I haven't done anything with what I've been given and I don't know what to do with it. But that's a different story.

My mom has tried to enforce her personal, Viet beliefs on me throughout my life. I pick and choose the ones that are compatible with my life. She tries to push all of them on me, and I rebuff and politely decline the ideas I don't agree with. Being Vietnamese by blood doesn't imply that I must live by Vietnamese standards. I know that. My mom understands it, but she tries to ignore it.

I personally have never felt antagonized by Viet culture or people. I've never felt antagonized for the life I was born into. If anything, I've only thought of it as there being a lot of people in this world who disagree with me or who make assumptions and dislike me without ever getting to know me.

I guess I'm more focused on being affected by people I actually know rather than a general group of people that I only know a part of. Also, generalizing and assuming things about a group of people, even one to which I belong, means I'm doing the same thing that I believe they do to me. And I just can't get my head around justifying that for myself.

There are parts of Viet culture that I love, like bun bo hue, ao dai, and Tet. There are parts that I greatly dislike, such as the hierarchy of family and the restrictions on females. But I feel similarly about the other cultures that I am a part of. American culture: I like the individualism, but I dislike the excessive consumerism. Queer culture: I like the acceptance within the community, but it is not without its own prejudices.

Culture and identity are just ideas in my head. I know that. Ideas taught through words and actions, shaped by my personal interpretation. Sometimes, the ideas are forceful; other times, they're subtle and sneaky. But I control my perspective, choose what I accept, decide who to be, allow myself to be influenced in which way.

To be honest, I have never felt like I had an identity. I still don't really identify strongly with any of the communities. I only started to identify with groups of people when I joined QTIP and Q&A. I identify by what people wish to see of me: Queer, Asian, Vietnamese, American, female, young adult. I put myself in other people's boxes to make it easier for them to see me. But for me personally, I don't really identify as any of these. It's an "I do, but I don't" kind of thing, which I know a lot of people don't understand and probably don't like. But that's me for you.

These are my identities, but I'm not strongly attached to them. If you asked me what I truly identify as, it could be a very simple answer or a very long, maybe convoluted explanation. I wouldn't say Viet, queer, female, or even human. Really, there is no word for my identity. I'd say, "My identity is..." and I'd point at myself. That tells people nothing because I know they want clear-cut answers. I can't give them that because clear-cut answers aren't really my answers. To know what my identity is, you have to get to know me. And I'm constantly getting to know myself, so good luck.

I am a part of various groups of people, but I am I. If you take away my group identities, I'd still be the same person, just with fewer group identities. I am a person with a history that's influenced by and connected to various other people and their identities and histories.

My ultimate identity is a balance between various given identities. I do the balancing. I'm responsible for my identity. I feel no shame for the identities I was given or born into. I don't feel pride either. Shame and pride are reserved for my actions, my decisions, and my effort. Things I can't control do not need my shame or pride. Being Vietnamese is not something I can control or change. It just something that is. So I don't bother myself about the thought of it.

I am Vietnamese, American, queer, female, etc. I am none of that. But I am just that. But I am beyond that. (This is my attempt to explain how I feel about identity.) My identity is how I see myself, but I accept it is also how you see me. That's why I accept that there are multiple identities in one person. But to me, the multiple identities become one unique identity for the specific person, which is a part of the original identities but doesn't fit into the original identities...



I know this is disjointed. But I can't focus on anything for too long haha. But I wanted to blog about this because it's preoccupied me for the past day or so. But I didn't even say everything I wanted to say because I forgot them -___-


I am who I am. You are who you are. I will try to not prejudge you based on my assumptions and past because I know everyone is different. Same but different. Nuances are what make it so difficult to just stereotype people and stick to those judgments. At most, my first judgment of you will be "nice," "not nice," or "eh."


I've only ever seen a person as a person. A stranger. With a name and a face. With thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. With identities. With potential for communication and friendship. The details flesh themselves out as we get to know each other and grow together. Regardless of whether you look or identify as Asian, black, Latino, or white. Your appearance and your identity tell me some things, like what you look like and how you think other people see you, but they say so little about you otherwise as a person.

If you do something awesome, awesome not because you're Viet or American, but because you're doing it. If you do something horrible, well that's horrible because you're doing it. If you discredit a group of people just for being what they didn't choose to be, then you disregard some amazing people who just happen to be what you don't like. You might call them the exception, but what's an exception, other than something you didn't account for in the first place?

I don't like making assumptions about people. Because people assume things about me all the time, based on my appearance, identity, dress, talk, and walk. And I'm sure sometimes they're right and sometimes they're wrong. But they won't know until they know me.

I'm never going to get to know a whole community. That's fine. But that means I can't generalize because I won't know the whole community. I will only ever know a part of it. If Viet people just happen to behave the similarly, I'll attribute it to personal reasons. If Viet people happen to act differently, I'll still attribute it to personal reasons.

Everybody influences everybody else. In small and big ways. Fighting it is just tiring. I embrace it if I feel it's good for me, or I let it go if it's not. If I can't let it go because it's always in my face, well... I'm still learning how to overcome that obstacle. But blaming and feeling shame for the influences on our lives just create an unnecessarily heavier burden for us to carry. And we end up pushing that burden onto people who don't deserve our antagonism.

Life goes on, and you go on with it. Sadly, there's no perfect universal way of living, so you make do with what you've been given (including the restrictions) and you make your own perfect way of living. Live your life the best possible way you can, and take on the obstacles as they come.


Wow, this entry is all over the place. Too much thinking and feeling that did not translate into words. Clearly, I just can't think clearly anymore.

Maybe I'll revisit this topic another time when I can think better in words :P