2014 started off really well for me. Living on my own, got a promotion, made new friends.
2014 went well for the most part. I made it my Shenanigans Year. I've had a great share of fun and made many amazing memories this year. I cemented some friendships that I hope will last a lifetime. I have a wonderful support system that saved me so many times.
But 2014 has been rocky for a short while now. I don't know which direction 2014 is heading. I'm trying to stay positive and make it end well with all the plans and ideas I have. But, I guess, a lot has been happening. More than I can handle. So I'm a little uncertain how this year will end.
We will see how the next six weeks will go. I foresee many ups and downs. I will face them, and I will live. I am going to survive whatever troubles I face. I will build up my strength and defenses. I will make it as far as I can and be proud of myself.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Stepping down.
So Tuesday had started off better than expected. It didn't end well. I barely made it through half of my work day.
I had a conversation with a coworker sometime before lunch. He said things that angered me. He asked about two incidents that had happened at work when he first started because he found out someone had "complained" about him. The first incident he asked about was a sexual harassment issue. I explained what happened. He asked about a specific person involved in that situation. I explained. Then he asked about the complaint that person had about him. I explained that it was not a complaint but more of a method of self-preservation for someone who was very introverted. In his first week or so, he had tapped her on the shoulder or arm several times to ask for help or to wake her up when the bosses were walking around. She didn't feel comfortable with the physical contact. She asked me to separate them.
He felt affronted and probably hurt that someone would accuse him of being a creep. I tried to explain to him that the person who spoke to me about him didn't think he was a bad person; she just didn't want to be touched, but she didn't know how to tell him that without offending him.
I tried to explain to him that many women don't know how to respond to men because they don't know what the consequences of voicing their discomfort could be. But he just got angrier. And he basically said things that remind me of the hashtag NotAllMen.
"She's got problems if she doesn't know how to trust people."
"She can't assume every guy is gonna be a bad guy."
"There are nice guys, but she won't give them a chance."
"It's unfair of her to put me in the same box as those douches."
"She needs professional help/counseling if that's how she thinks."
"I was just trying to help her out, and she took it as a threat! Something's wrong with her!"
I started to get so angry hearing all these things. He wasn't listening to me. I was starting to not listen to him. I had to tell him that we couldn't talk about this anymore. But he kept going. And I stayed there and heard more. When he finally paused, I walked away. Unfortunately, someone on the floor asked for my help with a task, and I tried to help her. But I couldn't fight my anger or my tears. And it showed. I had to leave the floor.
I realize my anger wasn't so much at the fact that he was vilifying our former coworker. It was the fact that he sounded like that hashtag. Like a significant amount of society. Like the people who don't take harassment seriously unless it's vulgar and forceful. Like people who think they could never hurt someone else, even unintentionally. I realize my anger flared up because I felt like my experiences were being trivialized and turned into irrationality. Like whenever I'm uncomfortable with a man I don't know, I'm just overreacting.
Who knows? Maybe we do overreact sometimes. Maybe it's a chain reaction in our minds that isn't realistic and shouldn't be there, but it's there. And there's a fucking reason for it. There have been times where we didn't react enough and we became victims. How do we keep ourselves from becoming victims again? We react to every little possible thing, and we watch it. It probably isn't the healthiest way to live. In this world we live in, it feels like it's the only way we can survive.
It's funny (not really). When a woman reacts negatively to a man's advances or even just friendly gestures, she's seen as cold and bitchy. But if she reacts to him warmly or positively, and he hurts her, well she just gave him the wrong message. It's still kinda her fault; she shouldn't have been so nice. As if, no matter what a woman does, whatever happens to her is by default her fault because everything she does as a woman causes someone else to do what they do.
Obviously, not everyone thinks like this. But too many people do.
I know a lot of nice people. Great people. Flawed people. I know I'm a nice person. But I don't delude myself anymore into thinking that I could never hurt someone else intentionally or otherwise. Especially in a way that I personally find detestable. I've come to realize that I can't control how someone else will perceive me. I can only alter my image so much. It's unfair for someone else to not see me as the good person I am. But I know people see life through their own lenses, their own experiences. I can't hold that against them. I won't.
Ugh. This whole thing pissed me off so much. So unbearable. I had to avoid talking to my coworker most of yesterday. Every time I thought about talking to him, I just ended up yelling at him in my head. I thought it would be best to not do that in reality.
I feel like I can't talk about this clearly because this issue affects me so much. Knowing so many people who have been harassed or assaulted, hearing all their stories and their fears. I also know where my coworker is coming from. I've been on both ends of this. I know the fear in all its rationality and irrationality. I also know the anger at the unfairness of being judged when I know I'm a good person. Being on the side of being judged and being angry, I still had power in that situation; my feelings were hurt, but I was safe. On the other side, I felt like I had no power and no security; I felt unprotected.
Ahh. My head... too many thoughts.
A person can know that they're a nice person. But how is anyone else supposed to know and believe that completely? I used to think anyone who treated me well was probably a good person. Most of the time, I still think that's true. But I've had my fair share of experiences with people who were nice and helpful but turned out to be very manipulative.
And sometimes, good people hurt others. Whether they know it. Whether they feel remorse afterward. None of it changes the fact that bad things have happened.
I need to stop thinking about this. I wish I could turn my brain off.
Anyway, I feel like I'm overreacting to this. Probably. I mean I should be pissed. But I shouldn't be so overly emotional about this. If I was in a better place in my life, I would have been upset but probably calmer than I've been. Been prone to emotional breakdowns, I guess.
So yesterday, I asked to step down as trainer. This conversation sent me over the edge when it shouldn't have. But it did. I take it as a sign that I'm not emotionally well. Not well enough to do my job to the best of my ability. I have my good days. But my bad days are too many, and they interfere with my work too much. It's unfair of me to put such sub-par effort into this job. It's unfair to the people who work under me. I've been feeling this way for months. But the past couple of days really drove that feeling home. My personal issues won't stay at home; they keep coming to work with me.
I just need to deal with them first before I could really provide more for this workplace. I need to find my peace and my balance again. I can't keep doing this whole stabilize-for-a-few-moments-and-hope-they-last thing. I really need to work on myself and my happiness.
I don't know if I'm happy with my decision. But I feel some relief, knowing that I don't have to be responsible for people soon enough. I won't have to be responsible for keeping them happy when I don't even know how to make myself happy.
I know my bosses are probably hoping that I'll change my mind. As much as I don't want to lose the pay and the freedom, I don't want this job. I don't think I can do it well if I don't want it. Especially if my personal problems keep getting in the way. I still have to train the next trainer. I'm going to try to keep myself together as best as possible until probably the end of December at the earliest.
I'm sure my coworkers are going to ask questions. I don't know what I'm going to tell them. Personal stuff? Got a lot going on? I don't know. Maybe I just won't answer.
I don't want to regret this decision. I feel like I won't. I'm stepping down. Not because I can't handle the job. I know I can do my job well. I know I am an asset to my team. There's just so much going on inside my head that I haven't been doing as well as I should, and I recognize that. I have to take care of myself. I have to remind myself to do it. I have to have other people remind me. This is the best decision I've made for myself in a while. I know that, but it is definitely hard to believe.
Holding out until January was the plan. I guess that was probably too much to expect of myself...
I should probably start looking for a part-time job to help supplement my income. The pay drop is going to be a little difficult. Also need to help out my family when I can. Can't really do that if I can barely pay for myself. They're not going to know about this situation. They can't.
I had a conversation with a coworker sometime before lunch. He said things that angered me. He asked about two incidents that had happened at work when he first started because he found out someone had "complained" about him. The first incident he asked about was a sexual harassment issue. I explained what happened. He asked about a specific person involved in that situation. I explained. Then he asked about the complaint that person had about him. I explained that it was not a complaint but more of a method of self-preservation for someone who was very introverted. In his first week or so, he had tapped her on the shoulder or arm several times to ask for help or to wake her up when the bosses were walking around. She didn't feel comfortable with the physical contact. She asked me to separate them.
He felt affronted and probably hurt that someone would accuse him of being a creep. I tried to explain to him that the person who spoke to me about him didn't think he was a bad person; she just didn't want to be touched, but she didn't know how to tell him that without offending him.
I tried to explain to him that many women don't know how to respond to men because they don't know what the consequences of voicing their discomfort could be. But he just got angrier. And he basically said things that remind me of the hashtag NotAllMen.
"She's got problems if she doesn't know how to trust people."
"She can't assume every guy is gonna be a bad guy."
"There are nice guys, but she won't give them a chance."
"It's unfair of her to put me in the same box as those douches."
"She needs professional help/counseling if that's how she thinks."
"I was just trying to help her out, and she took it as a threat! Something's wrong with her!"
I started to get so angry hearing all these things. He wasn't listening to me. I was starting to not listen to him. I had to tell him that we couldn't talk about this anymore. But he kept going. And I stayed there and heard more. When he finally paused, I walked away. Unfortunately, someone on the floor asked for my help with a task, and I tried to help her. But I couldn't fight my anger or my tears. And it showed. I had to leave the floor.
I realize my anger wasn't so much at the fact that he was vilifying our former coworker. It was the fact that he sounded like that hashtag. Like a significant amount of society. Like the people who don't take harassment seriously unless it's vulgar and forceful. Like people who think they could never hurt someone else, even unintentionally. I realize my anger flared up because I felt like my experiences were being trivialized and turned into irrationality. Like whenever I'm uncomfortable with a man I don't know, I'm just overreacting.
Who knows? Maybe we do overreact sometimes. Maybe it's a chain reaction in our minds that isn't realistic and shouldn't be there, but it's there. And there's a fucking reason for it. There have been times where we didn't react enough and we became victims. How do we keep ourselves from becoming victims again? We react to every little possible thing, and we watch it. It probably isn't the healthiest way to live. In this world we live in, it feels like it's the only way we can survive.
It's funny (not really). When a woman reacts negatively to a man's advances or even just friendly gestures, she's seen as cold and bitchy. But if she reacts to him warmly or positively, and he hurts her, well she just gave him the wrong message. It's still kinda her fault; she shouldn't have been so nice. As if, no matter what a woman does, whatever happens to her is by default her fault because everything she does as a woman causes someone else to do what they do.
Obviously, not everyone thinks like this. But too many people do.
I know a lot of nice people. Great people. Flawed people. I know I'm a nice person. But I don't delude myself anymore into thinking that I could never hurt someone else intentionally or otherwise. Especially in a way that I personally find detestable. I've come to realize that I can't control how someone else will perceive me. I can only alter my image so much. It's unfair for someone else to not see me as the good person I am. But I know people see life through their own lenses, their own experiences. I can't hold that against them. I won't.
Ugh. This whole thing pissed me off so much. So unbearable. I had to avoid talking to my coworker most of yesterday. Every time I thought about talking to him, I just ended up yelling at him in my head. I thought it would be best to not do that in reality.
I feel like I can't talk about this clearly because this issue affects me so much. Knowing so many people who have been harassed or assaulted, hearing all their stories and their fears. I also know where my coworker is coming from. I've been on both ends of this. I know the fear in all its rationality and irrationality. I also know the anger at the unfairness of being judged when I know I'm a good person. Being on the side of being judged and being angry, I still had power in that situation; my feelings were hurt, but I was safe. On the other side, I felt like I had no power and no security; I felt unprotected.
Ahh. My head... too many thoughts.
A person can know that they're a nice person. But how is anyone else supposed to know and believe that completely? I used to think anyone who treated me well was probably a good person. Most of the time, I still think that's true. But I've had my fair share of experiences with people who were nice and helpful but turned out to be very manipulative.
And sometimes, good people hurt others. Whether they know it. Whether they feel remorse afterward. None of it changes the fact that bad things have happened.
I need to stop thinking about this. I wish I could turn my brain off.
Anyway, I feel like I'm overreacting to this. Probably. I mean I should be pissed. But I shouldn't be so overly emotional about this. If I was in a better place in my life, I would have been upset but probably calmer than I've been. Been prone to emotional breakdowns, I guess.
So yesterday, I asked to step down as trainer. This conversation sent me over the edge when it shouldn't have. But it did. I take it as a sign that I'm not emotionally well. Not well enough to do my job to the best of my ability. I have my good days. But my bad days are too many, and they interfere with my work too much. It's unfair of me to put such sub-par effort into this job. It's unfair to the people who work under me. I've been feeling this way for months. But the past couple of days really drove that feeling home. My personal issues won't stay at home; they keep coming to work with me.
I just need to deal with them first before I could really provide more for this workplace. I need to find my peace and my balance again. I can't keep doing this whole stabilize-for-a-few-moments-and-hope-they-last thing. I really need to work on myself and my happiness.
I don't know if I'm happy with my decision. But I feel some relief, knowing that I don't have to be responsible for people soon enough. I won't have to be responsible for keeping them happy when I don't even know how to make myself happy.
I know my bosses are probably hoping that I'll change my mind. As much as I don't want to lose the pay and the freedom, I don't want this job. I don't think I can do it well if I don't want it. Especially if my personal problems keep getting in the way. I still have to train the next trainer. I'm going to try to keep myself together as best as possible until probably the end of December at the earliest.
I'm sure my coworkers are going to ask questions. I don't know what I'm going to tell them. Personal stuff? Got a lot going on? I don't know. Maybe I just won't answer.
I don't want to regret this decision. I feel like I won't. I'm stepping down. Not because I can't handle the job. I know I can do my job well. I know I am an asset to my team. There's just so much going on inside my head that I haven't been doing as well as I should, and I recognize that. I have to take care of myself. I have to remind myself to do it. I have to have other people remind me. This is the best decision I've made for myself in a while. I know that, but it is definitely hard to believe.
Holding out until January was the plan. I guess that was probably too much to expect of myself...
I should probably start looking for a part-time job to help supplement my income. The pay drop is going to be a little difficult. Also need to help out my family when I can. Can't really do that if I can barely pay for myself. They're not going to know about this situation. They can't.
Monday, November 17, 2014
How will 2014 end? Good or bad?
I've been thinking about what I want. How to achieve what I want. When to do it. Just lost in thought about things. I still don't really know what I want. I have ideas of what I want, but nothing is certain in my head.
I wanted to get an industrial piercing yesterday. But the piercing shop employee I talked to said that my ear wasn't the right shape for that style and it could easily rip out. Plus, glasses would get in the way and mess with the healing process /: Sad day. I was disappointed for sure. The one piercing type that I like, I shouldn't get. The employee suggested a different type of piercing, but I'm not really sold on any other styles. Oh well, at least my friend John got his ears pierced :)
So now, instead, I want to get a tattoo. But I need to design it first. It will happen. Eventually.
My goals for the end of 2014 are to end it with a bang or as spectacularly as possible :D and to cross off two things from my bucket list. Unfortunately, the piercing will not be one of those two things. And I have plenty of things on the list to do; I just need to put in the time, money, and/or effort to do them.
I'm going out pretty often. Friends are surprised haha. I'm surprised too. Shenanigans Year, though. Say yes to everything I want to do. I'm pretty exhausted though. But I don't want to miss out. Once 2015 starts, I have a feeling that my hermit-like ways will resurface. Though, I also have a feeling that I'll still go out a lot haha. Maybe not like one to three times a week, but still somewhat frequently.
I haven't been spending much time by myself. Maybe that's why it's been difficult for me to find a balance in my life. I feel like I've been more depressed more easily and more frequently in the past few months. I don't think I'm handling things very well. I feel like chaos on the inside sometimes. Then I have my good moments, and I think, "What's wrong with me? I'm happy right now. It's stupid of me to be sad." Those moments don't last long enough.
I've been considering stepping down from my position at work. It's not super stressful. But it's taxing enough that sometimes I just want to shut down and not be there. Nothing even happens at work. I'm ok with everyone there, even the few people I had disagreements with. We're cool, but I still feel stressed out. I can't handle even a tiny bit of stress now without wanting to break down. Little bits of criticism or even concern have me fighting back lumps in my throat.
It's not always like this. But when it is, it just feels terrible. I wish I could do better. I wish I could make myself happy. I've done it before. I can do it again. Somehow.
I try to remind myself that I have plenty of good days to look forward to.
I made myself a better person. Right now, I might be regressing a little. But I can do better again.
I have this worry that I've been going out a lot just to distract myself from how unhappy I've been feeling. Well, it's not a worry. It's just true. But I don't want to stop. I want to have fun, no matter how fleeting these moments of fun are. A burst of happiness and excitement here and there helps...
All this thinking. No doing. Or I'm not doing the right things to help myself. I don't even know what to do to help myself.
Tangent: I feel selfish. I want to be selfish. I won't let myself be that selfish.
Simply put: It's like a Catch-22. I'm sad. I want to be happy. I want to be with someone who makes me happy. But I don't want to depend on someone else to make me happy. I want to be happy before I pursue something serious. But I feel like I won't be that happy until I meet someone.
It's not someone else's job to make me happy. I need to find my happiness first. I want to be able to bring and add happiness into a relationship, not just gain happiness from it. If I really care about the other person, I wouldn't use them like that. It just sucks to feel so damn lonely all the time.
I just want someone here. Someone who gets me, who holds me. I just miss being held, feeling safe.
Blah. Enough rambling. I think I just need more rest and more time to myself. Or at least do things that are more mellow. Need to find my balance again.
2014 should end well. With lots of happiness. Contentment. Steadiness. Stability. Balance. More strength. Just all the good I have (that's currently being overshadowed by my negativity).
I wanted to get an industrial piercing yesterday. But the piercing shop employee I talked to said that my ear wasn't the right shape for that style and it could easily rip out. Plus, glasses would get in the way and mess with the healing process /: Sad day. I was disappointed for sure. The one piercing type that I like, I shouldn't get. The employee suggested a different type of piercing, but I'm not really sold on any other styles. Oh well, at least my friend John got his ears pierced :)
So now, instead, I want to get a tattoo. But I need to design it first. It will happen. Eventually.
My goals for the end of 2014 are to end it with a bang or as spectacularly as possible :D and to cross off two things from my bucket list. Unfortunately, the piercing will not be one of those two things. And I have plenty of things on the list to do; I just need to put in the time, money, and/or effort to do them.
I'm going out pretty often. Friends are surprised haha. I'm surprised too. Shenanigans Year, though. Say yes to everything I want to do. I'm pretty exhausted though. But I don't want to miss out. Once 2015 starts, I have a feeling that my hermit-like ways will resurface. Though, I also have a feeling that I'll still go out a lot haha. Maybe not like one to three times a week, but still somewhat frequently.
I haven't been spending much time by myself. Maybe that's why it's been difficult for me to find a balance in my life. I feel like I've been more depressed more easily and more frequently in the past few months. I don't think I'm handling things very well. I feel like chaos on the inside sometimes. Then I have my good moments, and I think, "What's wrong with me? I'm happy right now. It's stupid of me to be sad." Those moments don't last long enough.
I've been considering stepping down from my position at work. It's not super stressful. But it's taxing enough that sometimes I just want to shut down and not be there. Nothing even happens at work. I'm ok with everyone there, even the few people I had disagreements with. We're cool, but I still feel stressed out. I can't handle even a tiny bit of stress now without wanting to break down. Little bits of criticism or even concern have me fighting back lumps in my throat.
It's not always like this. But when it is, it just feels terrible. I wish I could do better. I wish I could make myself happy. I've done it before. I can do it again. Somehow.
I try to remind myself that I have plenty of good days to look forward to.
I made myself a better person. Right now, I might be regressing a little. But I can do better again.
I have this worry that I've been going out a lot just to distract myself from how unhappy I've been feeling. Well, it's not a worry. It's just true. But I don't want to stop. I want to have fun, no matter how fleeting these moments of fun are. A burst of happiness and excitement here and there helps...
All this thinking. No doing. Or I'm not doing the right things to help myself. I don't even know what to do to help myself.
Tangent: I feel selfish. I want to be selfish. I won't let myself be that selfish.
Simply put: It's like a Catch-22. I'm sad. I want to be happy. I want to be with someone who makes me happy. But I don't want to depend on someone else to make me happy. I want to be happy before I pursue something serious. But I feel like I won't be that happy until I meet someone.
It's not someone else's job to make me happy. I need to find my happiness first. I want to be able to bring and add happiness into a relationship, not just gain happiness from it. If I really care about the other person, I wouldn't use them like that. It just sucks to feel so damn lonely all the time.
I just want someone here. Someone who gets me, who holds me. I just miss being held, feeling safe.
Blah. Enough rambling. I think I just need more rest and more time to myself. Or at least do things that are more mellow. Need to find my balance again.
2014 should end well. With lots of happiness. Contentment. Steadiness. Stability. Balance. More strength. Just all the good I have (that's currently being overshadowed by my negativity).
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