Burnt out

On the last day of a holiday weekend for my workplace. Today, I logged in to do some extra work to not fall farther behind from the 4-day weekend, saw the immense backlog, paused, responded to a couple of emails, and logged off. I cannot.

I've been putting in overtime nearly every work day since last September and hitting 60-hour weeks since the company layoffs in February. The layoffs disproportionately affected my immediate team. We lost half the team, even though we had been on the precipice of falling behind with the number of people we had before the layoffs. Now, the backlog grows regardless of how many extra hours anyone works.

I'm fucking tired. The past two weeks, I did minimal overtime because I've been so burnt out. I felt little relief, knowing that our pile of work is not going to shrink to a reasonable level anytime soon. It is draining my motivation.

I feel like my brain is processing as fast as sludge, which only contributes to the backlog to be honest. Most days, I just want to quit.

I feel fortunate and grateful to have my job, but I've been finding myself occasionally wishing I had been laid off instead.

2022: New, new, new

New job. New love. New home.

I moved to Seattle with Matt just over a year ago. It felt like the start of the next chapter of my life. I made a few new friends in Seattle, but I haven't really connected with them all that much.

I actually started to reconnect with a lot of friends from the Bay Area instead, after Matt essentially moved out of our apartment and in with his new boyfriend (with my encouragement). My Bay Area visits have been finding me missing my friends more every time I fly back to Seattle.

The end of 2021 brought me to the end of my time at my old job. I started off 2022 with a new underwriting job that gives me great benefits that I never imagined I would earn. I can now plan a little better for the future. It boggles my mind. I'm learning something completely different from my last job. So it's slow progress, but I'm doing decently well after two months. And my colleagues are all wonderful people who are super willing to help me. I'm so grateful to join such a collaborative and genuine team.

EDC 2021 in October was a new and old experience for me. I didn't go with Matt. We flew in and out of Vegas together and I stayed in his hotel room before and after EDC, but I did RV camping with Nick and Jamie's group. Matt met up with me once each night to check up on me though :) Camping with the new fam was fun. I barely got sleep, but it was nice not to deal with traffic after each night. I was usually not alone, and I appreciated everyone's company. EDC gave me new memories, new friends, and the start of a new love.

The love was gradual and unexpected. It was kinda ideal how it developed. I think I was in denial because I had fully believed I would be single for the rest of my life. I had made my peace with that belief. But this person just kinda made a home in my life. The start of 2022 then hit me in the head with the realization of what had happened right in front of my oblivious face haha. I was confused and uncertain. But after thinking and talking about it, I realized my feelings were genuine, and so were Mark's.

This love isn't like my past crushes. My feelings in the past were typically intense and thought-consuming. My feelings now are not that intense but definitely gentle and growing as we get to know each other better. There are no impossible hurdles or unrealistic expectations. We talk. Not perfectly, but we're willing to discuss things and learn how to navigate this relationship. And honestly, I had some worries about dating a guy because my limited experiences didn't really give me much hope about men. But so far, Mark has proven to be someone with values and needs that align with mine pretty well. We don't always get each other, but we both try to be understanding. I'm quite happy with him. Weird haha.

2022 is busy for me. In 2021, I had made 2022 plans for myself to get back into the swing of things and enjoy my singleness more. This year, I've been readjusting some plans to include Mark or to spend more time with him. We're gonna go to a few events or festivals together. I always wanted a rave bae haha. Then I can retire. Maybe haha.

The biggest change of plans happening in 2022 is that I'm no longer going to stay in Seattle when my lease ends. I had originally planned to stay in Seattle for at least three years. Now, because he lives in the Bay Area (Why the heck did it take me leaving the Bay to finally meet someone I connect with? Haha), I'm going to move back after less than one and a half years in Seattle. I like Seattle, but I miss the Bay vibes. Seattle gave me enough of the break that I needed from my family and the Bay. And now, I got a love back in the Bay, and I don't think I can do the long distance for too long.

I can't wait to move back to the Bay. 2022 has been an interesting year so far, and I wonder what else it has in store.

Ending 2018; Starting 2019

2018 went by so fast. I feel like I only just started 2018 a couple of months ago, but a lot has happened this year.

----

Usually, around this time of year, I like to look back on the events of the current year and make plans for the next, occasionally waxing poetic about changes. This time is no different haha.

2018 was a personally fulfilling year. I did things I wanted to do, whether on the spur of the moment or as part of a planned bucket list activity.
+Donated peripheral blood stem cells (Feb)
+Started my Invisalign adjustments (Mar)
+Attended Seven Lions’ Chronicles Chapter 1 in Seattle (May)
+Left a $100 tip on a cheaper meal (May)
+Attended my 10-year high school reunion (Jun)
+Donated my hair after growing it out for nearly 3 years (Aug)
+Visited Colorado and attended Illenium’s show at Red Rocks (Aug)
+Walked through a corn maze (Sep)
+Went skydiving (Nov)
+Went axe-throwing (Nov)

I spent a lot of money (14+ shows, Audiotistic, 2 Dreamstates, and EDC LV) because I decided to forego a reasonable budget. But because of all these fun adventures, all my lovely friends, and some calculated personal changes, I was able to get myself into a better mental space. The splurging was a way for me to take a break from reality and to reward myself for doing better.

2017 and the beginning of 2018 had me struggling through a lot of depressive and anxiety-ridden episodes; I sometimes wondered if I would make it to the end of the year. However, as this year progressed, I gradually turned my thoughts and worries around; I'm not super peppy or overly optimistic, but I feel more level-headed in my mental/emotional approach to my fears and worries. I definitely still have occasional setbacks, but they don't feel as oh-no-it's-the-end-of-the-world as they did at the beginning of 2018. The things that I can't seem to change, I've learned to accept; I'm always going to be an over-thinker, but consistently recognizing that what I think doesn't necessarily reflect reality has helped me maintain a grip on my sanity and perspective. Woo, progress!

----

I had planned to quit my job on my birthday, but I decided to stay after my employer offered to increase my pay a bit and move me to another team. I'm grateful to still have a job during the holidays. I'm still helping out my old team because of an abnormally large amount of work that came in; so I haven't really learned anything for my new team. To be honest, I haven't really felt motivated to learn new workflows. And the reasons that made me want to leave in the first place are still there. I'm still putting out the best work I can and helping the team as much as I can, but I find myself feeling extremely apathetic about the job on most days.

----

Recently, I had developed a minor crush on a guy. It's been an interesting experience. We're getting to know each other better. We're friends. We've kissed.

At first, I didn't know what it meant because we didn't really talk about it. We're friends, but we're physically and intellectually attracted to each other; overall, this is the most attracted I've felt toward any guy in my life. I wasn't sure if the emotional attraction was or would ever be there. I said as much; he concurred.

In my weird mistrust of people's words, I thought he was playing games and really could be interested in a romantic relationship. It worried me because I don't like the imbalance of feelings in any relationship. So I worried myself, wondering, "Could I be emotionally attracted to him? Emotionally attracted to a man? If I could, what would be so bad about that?" Other people's opinions... I think my mom would feel relief, which bothers me because of the I-told-you-you're-not-really-gay aspect of it. I'm also uncertain of how my queer friends would take it. Hopefully not bad because I've always said I wanted to be open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to and falling in love with a man. And I am open to it. I came to that conclusion after some major self-reflection.

I let him know what I was thinking. He said we can just be friends. (What he says is what he means, which I'm learning to trust and take at face value. Typically, some guys, who said they only wanted friendship, were really hoping for more, which put a weird strain on our friendships.) I was disappointed by his response but not as much as I thought I would be. Probably because of the lack of emotional connection haha; he's not a very emotional person, whereas I am; he's more of a let-it-go person, whereas I'm not. So it works out. I'm over it now.

We're still friends. We're still physically attracted to each other. We've set our boundaries.

----

I'm going to ring in the new year at Kaskade's show in SF with Matt and his new boyfriend, Khai. I don't think any of our other close friends will be there; they're either keeping it low-key or going to another NYE event. This will be a different experience. I've always gone to NYE events with people who were there with me. I know Matt and Khai will be there, but I don't know if it will be quite the same with my third-wheel status haha. I know I'll have fun no matter what though; so it doesn't really matter.

----

I don’t have many plans for 2019 yet, and the few I have are tentative as always. I’m also gonna set another EDM ticket budget, and I won't scrap it this time.

Shows and Festivals:
+Wobbleland - SF
+Gryffin - SF
+Excision - SF
+EDC LV of course

Other:
+Finish my Invisalign adjustments sometime in March
+Bucket list: Go to a range and shoot something. (I've put this off for so long.)
+Bucket list: Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. (I've also put this off for too long.)
+LASIK
-I bought a camping package for Electric Forest 2019; however, I’m going to sell it to put that money toward the LASIK and/or family instead. (The brother is out of a job; so I feel weird trying to plan multiple expensive vacations while he's struggling.)
+Attend a different, cheaper, and closer music festival instead
+Skydive again, hopefully without glasses this time
+New tattoo
+Camping with friends
+Visit at least one new place; haven't decided where yet

----

I'm always thinking about change. About how I really want it, about how I strongly want to avoid it, about how it's necessary for life.

But at this point, I don't know what changes I want to make. I think the best I can do are the physical changes (i.e. Invisalign, LASIK, wardrobe). The mental changes are harder because I don't know what needs to improve. My self-image is better than ever; not great, but better than it has been.

I think getting a new job will probably become a priority for this year. I've been on my team for 3.5 years now, and I don't feel much like a valued employee. I mean I am still here and got a small pay raise, but watching most of my coworkers get laid off and be replaced by new hires through a different agency left a terrible taste in my mouth. And the coworkers that are still around are slowly getting jobs elsewhere and leaving. I don't want to be the last one here. I don't want to lose that sense of family that we had all built together. But it's happening. I feel like we're all just hanging on to the last bit of family we have on this project until we can find a new workplace to call home.

Anyway, change is always happening, whether we're aware of it. I guess I just need to take charge of the changes in my life as much as I can.

----

2018 has been a good and weird year. Not my favorite, but it was an enjoyable learning experience.

Work stress that feels good?

It has been a busy work week. I'm on two teams now, as a main member for a new team and a semi-main/backup member for my previous team.

For a couple of weeks, I barely had any work to do on my new team. I filled my time with helping train my new team on their new responsibilities, ironing out some workflow issues, taking on some cleanup work, and helping other coworkers with old workflows that I was familiar with.

This week, in three days, I ended up facing a sudden deluge of challenges and issues for my new team, including an urgent matter. And I also volunteered to do some testing.

I was really stressed today. Granted, I shouldn't have felt so stressed, but having a manager request something be done by the end of the day, when it would normally take at least a day or two because of how the process is set up, adds a lot of pressure. And I'm a perfectionist in some ways. So I stress when things don't go accordingly.

Juggling that task with devising a testing plan filled with thousands of tiny, little details for an improved workflow, sheesh. How have I done this before? I never remember. I think I'm always just glad to get things finished in a timely manner, decompress, and block out the memory of the stress haha. I suppose this is how I forget the impressive and impactful work I've done; maybe I should start not blocking it out, so I can use the experience in my job interviews haha.

Initially, joining the new team, I felt overwhelmed because there is so much to learn. I thought I knew enough, but I realized there was much more I didn't know. I have yet to learn a good third of the work that is entailed on my new team. I'm just waiting for the opportunity. For now, I'm doing the work I'm most familiar with because of the circumstances of the team. I'm hoping the circumstances change in the next week or two. Otherwise, I feel like I'm never going to learn what I need to learn.

Overall, I think the change in work focus has been nice; I like having an area of work to specialize in. There were a lot of things up in the air when we started the team. Things are now starting to settle, but there are still a few unanswered questions. But we're addressing them as they come along and we have the time to hammer out the details. So while I feel like I may be complaining a bit too much about how the team was hastily started, I'm enjoying the results so far. I feel like my input for the team and workflow changes is actually taken into consideration, which is a very validating feeling.

[gasp] My professional opinion is valued? This is great! I just hope I'm not talking out of my ass and I'm actually contributing thoughtful and worthwhile ideas.

I feel like I'm micromanaging my team, and I really shouldn't do that. My team is smart. While they might not always do things the way I think they should, they get their work done without much issue. I should have more faith in us as a team. I do. We've gotten a lot of stuff done since we started.

After the week I've had so far, I think I made a good choice in volunteering for the new team. I've been stressed; I had a little caffeine today before realizing it and was bouncing around with nervous/anxious energy. I think I probably seemed weirder than usual dancing and bouncing around. But I needed to move around to release that tension.

Now that I'm at home, albeit having netted some overtime for the urgent matter I mentioned earlier, I'm starting to get the rewarding feeling of getting things done. (Also, overtime pay will be nice.)

----

I had a shot of Bärenjäger before starting this post. Hence, if anything is unclear or weird, I blame it on the alcohol and the empty stomach :P

----

I question whether my work life will remain in tech. Weeks like this make me want to both stay and not stay in tech. I'm accepting that my strengths and skills lean toward technical work. But I'm not sure I can always find fulfillment in it. I'm not sure what the bigger picture is for my work life yet. For now, I think I'm content with just trying to figure it out while working where I'm at. Maybe I'll explore other tech opportunities... I just want to find a good fit.

Broke to Not-So-Broke

I don't know why it just hit me that I have technically been a broke 21-year-old living with her mom for about a year after college. No work experience, no job, no prospects.

When I finally got my first job at a factory, making $8.50 an hour, I moved out of my mom's and lived out of a suitcase on my ex's futon in her living room for a couple of months. I lived off of many Hot Pockets and the amazing generosity of friends and strangers.

My next job paid me $10 an hour for the work of three people but wouldn't provide me with sufficient training. It was stressful, and there was no support.

I quickly left that job for a two-year contract with a staffing agency at a large tech company. Granted, there was a two and a half week gap in my employment because my new employer couldn't start me when they said they would. And I was laid off a month before my contract ended. But I had been a trainer for a year on that team. So yay, experience!

Fortunately, my site manager believed in me and helped me connect with a recruiter from another agency for the same tech company. I ended up starting on a new team just a week and a half after my last day. I'm hitting my two-year mark on this team in less than two weeks. There have been so many changes in two years; there were times when I doubted my place on this team. I still do, but I'm dealing with it.

So far, I've never worked in the city that I lived in. None of my jobs are related to my degree. Turnover is high at all places I've worked.

I have more money now than I've had before. It's not much, but it's something. I go out and spend way more than I used to. Now, I feel like I actually have to relearn how to enjoy time alone.

Life has been really good to me. I've been able to always keep a roof over my head and some food in my stomach. I've had loving folks take care of me and help me with so many things that I should learn to do on my own. I have many protectors and guardians.

I'm grateful every day of my life. Even when I don't feel it, I know I'm lucky.

Life has been good to me. I question if I've been good to life in return. I hope so.

I probably strongly dislike my job.

I was a mostly-A student, but I've never felt smart.

School taught me how to follow the rules and pass tests. I don't think I learned how to create my own. I don't know how to think on my feet.

The workforce wants innovative people. I just know how to think inside a pre-defined box. Even if I find the courage to step out of that box, where the fuck do I go?

I feel stuck. Again. I've trapped myself here. And I don't want to help myself get out because I'm too scared.

I don't know what I want to do. I just know I don't like my job. I used to think I'd be okay just working some job and getting by. But now I don't feel that way anymore. But I don't know how to figure out what I want to do.

To be honest, I just dislike my job because it has been changing too often and it now requires me to interact with people outside of my team. Even if it's just email interaction, I can't stand it. I don't know why. Before, I was emailing members of my team. Now, I'm emailing a few more people. It's such a minor change, but it feels like my mind and my body are having a major adverse reaction to it. And I can't make my mind not react the way it does.

What is wrong with me?

My mind is all over the place again. I'm unhappy with my job, but I feel like I'm only unhappy because it's slightly pushing me out of my comfort zone. It's just a small test. A normal person would learn the new work and get used to it.

A lot of people would be willing to take my place at this job. Maybe I should let them. I surely don't want this job. I just need it.

----

I just want some peace of mind. I want to feel like I'm doing work that actually adds some good into this world. But I also want to make enough money to live comfortably.

But again, I'm too afraid to explore. I don't know where to start looking. I'm afraid to fail. But I also feel like staying where I am is slowly killing me.

I either need to suck it up and do something soon or just wait until I explode to do something haha. I should make the healthier decision, but you know I've always been the opposite of smart and courageous.

Fourth job?

So I've been offered a position on the Google Play team through Vaco. Similar job description. Double the pay. Yay!

Now, I'm just waiting for Google to approve a waiver for me. Then Vaco can give me my start date and send me paperwork. I really hope I start work on the 20th, but it really depends on that waiver approval.

My parents don't know I've been laid off. I'm trying to keep it that way because I don't want them to worry about me. But if I don't start my new job soon, I'm going to be a little worried about my financial situation.

My last day at Randstad was this past Friday. It's been a relaxing last two weeks or so. That last day was the most relaxing. It was also kinda sad. I technically no longer have coworkers. But it's ok. We're Facebook friends now haha. Realistically, I'm probably not going to keep in touch with most of them. But it's nice to see what's going on with folks every once in a while.

I have a whole week of no work. What to do? Hang out with people? I guess. I'm in kind of an off mood. Locked myself all day today. I was supposed to go to the bank and buy dinner. But I can't motivate myself to leave the house. I've barely left my room.

I'm just a bit anxious about the start date for my new job. I'm also feeling guilty because I'm lying to my parents. I just don't want them to worry. But I also don't like that I'm lying to them. Dishonesty comes too easily /:

I have to try to keep my head up until I start my job. I just need to hang on. And probably not lock myself in my room all day. I'm not taking very good care of myself. I should try harder. [sigh]

Getting laid off.

Getting laid off just a month shy of the end of my contract. Fun times.

Employer is trying to help people find new jobs though. So that's cool.

This was mainly just a shock to me. But I kinda saw it coming. Oh well.

Moving on. Been applying to jobs here and there. Former manager is trying to connect me to his teams. Trying to move from temp to vendor. Better pay, indefinite contract. That's cool. Though, I really want a job with benefits. It would be nice to have great health coverage. It would be nice to be able to afford the dentist and optometrist.

I lost my glasses, which I only got to use for half a year. Sadness. So I'm wearing my contacts and old glasses. Managed to scratch my right eye while wearing my contacts >_> Healed up now.

Blah. I figured I should update about something. Not much to say. My work life is my main concern right now. Still going out and having fun. But this job situation has gotten me worried a tiny bit. I have cushion money, just in case I don't get another job soon. But money runs out when you don't bring any in. I have plans set. Expensive plans. EDC is in two weeks. I bought a ticket to Nocturnal Wonderland, but now I'm selling that. Buying Beyond Wonderland Bay Area tickets tomorrow. Planning to buy Escape tickets when those come out because I want to celebrate my birthday. I want to continue raving. At least for the rest of this year. Shenanigans Year v. 2.0 haha. It must go on.

I think, after this year, I will definitely cut back on how much I spend for partying and raving. I want to start saving again. Well, saving more than I have been for the past year. So I'm gonna get all this rave fever out this year. Drain that energy (what little I have left). Then tone it down after this year ends. I kinda have plans for my future. Small ones. But I want to make them happen.

Goals: Move out of the house I currently live in by June 2016. Adopt a cat within the year after I move out. Move out of the Bay by the time I'm 28.

I guess I could add "get into a committed relationship" to that list. But eh. I've only dated one person. Still. I've been single for over four years now. Some friends think that's way too long to not be dating. I dunno. I've been interested in people over the years. But the interest wasn't reciprocated or didn't last very long. It happens. I want to connect with someone, but I don't want to force it. Really, I don't know what I want to happen.

Anyway, the rambling will stop now. Because I need to sleep and get up early for work, where I stand, type, and dance at my desk for eight hours. Fun times.

Stepping down.

So Tuesday had started off better than expected. It didn't end well. I barely made it through half of my work day.

I had a conversation with a coworker sometime before lunch. He said things that angered me. He asked about two incidents that had happened at work when he first started because he found out someone had "complained" about him. The first incident he asked about was a sexual harassment issue. I explained what happened. He asked about a specific person involved in that situation. I explained. Then he asked about the complaint that person had about him. I explained that it was not a complaint but more of a method of self-preservation for someone who was very introverted. In his first week or so, he had tapped her on the shoulder or arm several times to ask for help or to wake her up when the bosses were walking around. She didn't feel comfortable with the physical contact. She asked me to separate them.

He felt affronted and probably hurt that someone would accuse him of being a creep. I tried to explain to him that the person who spoke to me about him didn't think he was a bad person; she just didn't want to be touched, but she didn't know how to tell him that without offending him.

I tried to explain to him that many women don't know how to respond to men because they don't know what the consequences of voicing their discomfort could be. But he just got angrier. And he basically said things that remind me of the hashtag NotAllMen.

"She's got problems if she doesn't know how to trust people."
"She can't assume every guy is gonna be a bad guy."
"There are nice guys, but she won't give them a chance."
"It's unfair of her to put me in the same box as those douches."
"She needs professional help/counseling if that's how she thinks."
"I was just trying to help her out, and she took it as a threat! Something's wrong with her!"

I started to get so angry hearing all these things. He wasn't listening to me. I was starting to not listen to him. I had to tell him that we couldn't talk about this anymore. But he kept going. And I stayed there and heard more. When he finally paused, I walked away. Unfortunately, someone on the floor asked for my help with a task, and I tried to help her. But I couldn't fight my anger or my tears. And it showed. I had to leave the floor.

I realize my anger wasn't so much at the fact that he was vilifying our former coworker. It was the fact that he sounded like that hashtag. Like a significant amount of society. Like the people who don't take harassment seriously unless it's vulgar and forceful. Like people who think they could never hurt someone else, even unintentionally. I realize my anger flared up because I felt like my experiences were being trivialized and turned into irrationality. Like whenever I'm uncomfortable with a man I don't know, I'm just overreacting.

Who knows? Maybe we do overreact sometimes. Maybe it's a chain reaction in our minds that isn't realistic and shouldn't be there, but it's there. And there's a fucking reason for it. There have been times where we didn't react enough and we became victims. How do we keep ourselves from becoming victims again? We react to every little possible thing, and we watch it. It probably isn't the healthiest way to live. In this world we live in, it feels like it's the only way we can survive.

It's funny (not really). When a woman reacts negatively to a man's advances or even just friendly gestures, she's seen as cold and bitchy. But if she reacts to him warmly or positively, and he hurts her, well she just gave him the wrong message. It's still kinda her fault; she shouldn't have been so nice. As if, no matter what a woman does, whatever happens to her is by default her fault because everything she does as a woman causes someone else to do what they do.

Obviously, not everyone thinks like this. But too many people do.

I know a lot of nice people. Great people. Flawed people. I know I'm a nice person. But I don't delude myself anymore into thinking that I could never hurt someone else intentionally or otherwise. Especially in a way that I personally find detestable. I've come to realize that I can't control how someone else will perceive me. I can only alter my image so much. It's unfair for someone else to not see me as the good person I am. But I know people see life through their own lenses, their own experiences. I can't hold that against them. I won't.

Ugh. This whole thing pissed me off so much. So unbearable. I had to avoid talking to my coworker most of yesterday. Every time I thought about talking to him, I just ended up yelling at him in my head. I thought it would be best to not do that in reality.

I feel like I can't talk about this clearly because this issue affects me so much. Knowing so many people who have been harassed or assaulted, hearing all their stories and their fears. I also know where my coworker is coming from. I've been on both ends of this. I know the fear in all its rationality and irrationality. I also know the anger at the unfairness of being judged when I know I'm a good person. Being on the side of being judged and being angry, I still had power in that situation; my feelings were hurt, but I was safe. On the other side, I felt like I had no power and no security; I felt unprotected.

Ahh. My head... too many thoughts.

A person can know that they're a nice person. But how is anyone else supposed to know and believe that completely? I used to think anyone who treated me well was probably a good person. Most of the time, I still think that's true. But I've had my fair share of experiences with people who were nice and helpful but turned out to be very manipulative.

And sometimes, good people hurt others. Whether they know it. Whether they feel remorse afterward. None of it changes the fact that bad things have happened.

I need to stop thinking about this. I wish I could turn my brain off.


Anyway, I feel like I'm overreacting to this. Probably. I mean I should be pissed. But I shouldn't be so overly emotional about this. If I was in a better place in my life, I would have been upset but probably calmer than I've been. Been prone to emotional breakdowns, I guess.

So yesterday, I asked to step down as trainer. This conversation sent me over the edge when it shouldn't have. But it did. I take it as a sign that I'm not emotionally well. Not well enough to do my job to the best of my ability. I have my good days. But my bad days are too many, and they interfere with my work too much. It's unfair of me to put such sub-par effort into this job. It's unfair to the people who work under me. I've been feeling this way for months. But the past couple of days really drove that feeling home. My personal issues won't stay at home; they keep coming to work with me.

I just need to deal with them first before I could really provide more for this workplace. I need to find my peace and my balance again. I can't keep doing this whole stabilize-for-a-few-moments-and-hope-they-last thing. I really need to work on myself and my happiness.

I don't know if I'm happy with my decision. But I feel some relief, knowing that I don't have to be responsible for people soon enough. I won't have to be responsible for keeping them happy when I don't even know how to make myself happy.

I know my bosses are probably hoping that I'll change my mind. As much as I don't want to lose the pay and the freedom, I don't want this job. I don't think I can do it well if I don't want it. Especially if my personal problems keep getting in the way. I still have to train the next trainer. I'm going to try to keep myself together as best as possible until probably the end of December at the earliest.

I'm sure my coworkers are going to ask questions. I don't know what I'm going to tell them. Personal stuff? Got a lot going on? I don't know. Maybe I just won't answer.

I don't want to regret this decision. I feel like I won't. I'm stepping down. Not because I can't handle the job. I know I can do my job well. I know I am an asset to my team. There's just so much going on inside my head that I haven't been doing as well as I should, and I recognize that. I have to take care of myself. I have to remind myself to do it. I have to have other people remind me. This is the best decision I've made for myself in a while. I know that, but it is definitely hard to believe.

Holding out until January was the plan. I guess that was probably too much to expect of myself...

I should probably start looking for a part-time job to help supplement my income. The pay drop is going to be a little difficult. Also need to help out my family when I can. Can't really do that if I can barely pay for myself. They're not going to know about this situation. They can't.

Trainer.

I am the new trainer at work. Yay! I won't be doing a bunch of grunt work for much longer :P

I had applied and interviewed for team lead just before NYE but didn't get it. My coworker Sandra did. I was actually pretty happy about that. I didn't really want to be lead. Some of my other coworkers were disappointed I didn't get it, but I was just ecstatic that I wasn't chosen for lead haha. Realized the job descriptiong didn't quite appeal to me enough.

Trainer, however, fits me, as far as I can tell. I don't have to write people up. I don't have to monitor them. But I do get to check their progress and help them improve. And I get to learn every single task that the company throws at us haha.

I didn't have to do another interview for the trainer position, since I had already done an interview for the team lead position. Somehow, I was chosen for trainer. The supervisors called me into the office and offered me the job. I was in shock. A part of me was surprised; but another part of me wasn't. I know the leads and the current trainer have been encouraging me to apply for all the open positions. So I know they put in some good words for me.

But yeah, I'm pretty happy. I'll start learning the ropes tomorrow. And gotta absorb as much as I can in the next three weeks because the current trainer, Vinse, is leaving. This is quite exciting. I was asked to keep this quiet until all the other candidates were notified of the decision. So I just shrugged at my coworkers when they asked. I said, "We'll all know tomorrow." But I want to mark this day, so I'm blogging about it haha. I feel kinda accomplished :) It's pretty good.

2014 is starting off well. Life is going well :)

Now, I just need to work on my ability to talk to people. Especially attractive people ahahaha :P Cute coworker that I've been wanting to get to know and talk to but having a hard time thinking of things to say to yet still saying stupid stuff to. Except I'm already kinda over the whole she's-so-cute thing. I mean, I still think she's cute. But now I'm just like, "Whatever. I'm cool." I think it's because of the fact that we haven't really talked. Not getting to know a person really turns me off of them pretty quickly, I realize haha. Especially if it feels like they don't put in any effort to get to know me or just talk to me.

I should just ask people straight up if they find me annoying or if they would like me to leave them alone. I don't know if anyone would be that honest with me though. I'm usually pretty upfront with people about that stuff. But I give people a chance to prove me wrong before I'm that honest with them haha. And usually I stop finding people annoying after I get to know them better. I actually told one of my coworkers today that I initially thought he was annoying because he talked too much; and after getting to know him better, I thought he could be pretty chill. Yay for being honest, yeah?

Anyway, yeah, random. Good day though haha.

First Week at Randstad.

It's been a good week at work. I'm quickly getting the hang of the work. It's very simple and very quick. I'm hoping it's improving my searching and skimming abilities haha. The coworkers that I work near are mostly Filipino, very chill folks. They've helped me learn quite a bit. It's getting easier in some parts and a little more confusing in others as I do more work, but it's all good. I'll get used to it. I'm progressing pretty well. And I'd probably be near the top of the list of operators if other people weren't giving me false negatives >:

So the gist of the operation without revealing too much, if I could actually do that: We tag things with labels on computers. Obviously, there's nothing that actually tells us if they're correctly labeled. So the system randomly chooses three operators' answers, and majority rules. It's a relatively quick and efficient system. You know, two or three people independently agreeing on an answer are more likely to be correct than one person. So, when it's a 2-agree-1-disagree situation, the 1 loses percentage in accuracy, and someone above us checks the images to determine where the 1 made a mistake. So far, I've been the 1 in four 2-1 situations. One situation is still unknown because we can't look at it yet, but it's likely to be similar to the rest. But the other three "mistakes" I've gotten have been false negatives for me, meaning that I was actually correct in what I tagged and the other two operators were not. However, we can't change what's been tagged, and so my score remains unaffected by the discoveries. So while the answers that the system has randomly selected from me have all been correct, my accuracy score is in the red >.< So sad.

Thankfully, scores only represent how well I'm doing on a two-week rolling basis, meaning scores change every day after the first two weeks of work because the two-week period is different the next day. So hopefully, eventually I'll be in the green or at least the yellow. Not happy about the red. It's not even my fault ;-; My almost-perfectionist side weeps.

I hope this made some kind of sense. I'm not supposed to reveal confidential info about work obviously, so a vague job description should be all right, yeah?

Though I'm complaining (but not really, because I hardly think about the scores), overall the job is great. Simple and quick. Great, friendly coworkers. Free drinks, free snacks, and maybe thirty microwaves in the food space. I can listen to my music. I sing along with my music to keep my energy level up. There's no real rush other than finishing tasks quickly--it's all timed. Very relaxed atmosphere. So relaxed people have a tendency of falling asleep. I thought I would fall asleep yesterday, but I didn't. While I was super tired, I didn't feel like I was gonna fall asleep, so that was good. I actually had very high productivity yesterday, surprising...


Thursday night, I had gone to (the new Club Fuz) Club Hashtag's grand opening to watch Ariane perform with her dance crew :) I got lost twice trying to find my way to the club because it's been a year and a half since I was last there and I had never driven there myself, only driven drunk friends home from there. Had to text and ask Matt for directions. I went by myself this time because friends had to cancel and other friends didn't feel like going. It was cool though because I just hung out with Ariane backstage until it was time for her to perform. Neither of us actually felt like dancing haha. Main Stacks and VIPSJ performed. I enjoyed VIP's performance way more. More attitude, I guess. More something else too, but I can't think of the word. But I guess I might be biased since that's Ariane's crew :P

Went straight home to bed after watching the performance and giving Ariane a "You're awesome!" hug haha. It's been a long time since I've seen her perform. Maybe nine or ten months ago. Too long ago. And soon she's gonna be in LA, pursuing her dreams. When will I get to see her then? >: We haven't seen each other much in the past few years. Thursday night was probably the first time in years where the two of us just hung out. We usually only see each other when other people come back from school and invite us to things. Sad because we both stayed in San Jose. But busy lives and busy schedules... I've known Ariane the longest out of all my friends outside of family friends. It's been eleven years. It's crazy. Didn't think I would ever know someone for more than a handful of years. I'm happy she's got something to be passionate about and to pursue. I hope she gets where she wants to go, and I hope in a few years I get to tell strangers "Eyyy! That's my friend! She's awesome!" haha.


I'm getting overly sentimental right now. Just spent some time reading friends' old LiveJournal entries hahaha. Oh man, comparing the things that we talked about back then to the things we talk about now, it's so different yet not. Read some of those "Answer these questions honestly"/"Bold the things that are true" questionnaires and laughed like crazy. We were pretty innocent and inexperienced back then; if I did one of those now, I would be able to cross off "Passed out drunk," "Can drive," "Have a best friend," "Have fallen in love," and "Want kids in the future." I'm all grown up now hahaha.


Ok, I'm going to sleep early :D Going to Carmel with Albert and some others tomorrow morning. Gonna be fun. Haven't seen them all in a while. (I think I say this about every friend I hang out with.)

Third job?

Remember that job that I almost got with Randstad back in December/January? Well, now I've pretty much got it :) I should be starting sometime in the beginning of August.

Still in Mountain View. It will be one mile farther from home than KPI was and definitely farther than KSC was, but it's ok. With the wage I'll be getting, it kinda makes up for the increased cost of fuel. Hours will be 7AM to 3:30PM; so I'm happy about that. Two-year contract, so if I don't screw up in some strange way, I'll be all right for a while. I'll have to deal with not-too-bad morning traffic to Mountain View on 101. Going home will be fairly quick too, I think.

Casual work atmosphere allows me to wear jeans :D Yay! I can wear my button-ups without worrying about overheating. Yay, AC! I will actually look forward to going to work because I won't overheat, I'll be able to listen to my music, and I'm more likely to be around people I could connect to (you know, if I decide to talk to anyone haha).

Now, I just have to submit forms and whatnot and wait about another week and a half to start.

Though, supposedly, some recruiter wants to interview me next week for a data entry job in San Jose, except they haven't contacted me yet with details about anything. All I know is it would probably be much closer to home, and the wage is $15 per hour. But it's all good. I've got a job waiting to start. If I get the job in SJ, and it actually matches the job description, I'll switch for the closer job. But for now, working in Mountain View will be awesome. It could encourage me to finally move out of San Jose.

I've noticed that all of the jobs I've ever had have been located around San Jose but never in it. I suppose I have a somewhat long-term either-or goal: Either get a job in San Jose so it's close to home or continue working outside of San Jose and eventually move out of here. We'll see what happens.

Oh yeah, I think I might try to find a part-time evening or weekend job, just to help bring in a little more money. After next month's rent, I'm gonna be low on funds for a short while, but I need to help out my family. Not sure how I'll pull that off yet. If you hear of any part-time work I could do after 4PM on weekdays or anytime on the weekends, please let me know :)

Btw, Brother got himself into a jail release program. Early release if he works for free (Edit: takes a seven-hour class on how to improve his life situation and get his life together). Basically an alternative to incarceration. So he got out yesterday afternoon, I had dinner with him and Karina yesterday evening, and then he started his full-time job (Edit: class) at the Sheriff's this morning at 8. I dropped him off, and I have to go pick him up now.

It's interesting how life goes sometimes. Sometimes it's predictable, and other times I wonder if life just pretends to be predictable.

Is this the first time I've given up on something?

Tuesday night, I quit my job by email. Not how I wanted to quit. Well, I didn't want to quit. But I couldn't handle my stress; I actually ended up crying at work. I felt so pathetic. But I knew I wasn't going to be happy there, and I knew I would always be stressed if they didn't give me some training because I felt like I wasn't catching up where it was necessary. I made so many mistakes, and the only time I would know would be when they told me I did something wrong. They would tell me what was wrong and kinda tell me how to avoid making that mistake.

I was getting the what-to-do's of my job, but I wasn't necessarily understanding the how's. And definitely not the why's. And there really weren't many explanations for my job; it was less show, more tell. Because I didn't understand why I was doing certain things, I didn't always know when I should do them.

They held me responsible for things that I know I should be responsible for, but they had to understand I was still new to the job and I didn't know where everything was yet. Missing or misplaced hard drives and chassis. I didn't touch those particular parts; they had gone missing from Johnny's time in inventory. I know this because I did the physical inventory count on his last day and noted that those particular items were missing. But since he wasn't there anymore, I was responsible; they told me I had to find out what happened to the parts, but I didn't know how I was supposed to find out. If the people who have worked there for years don't know how to find out (and they had done my job before), how I am to know?

I need some guidance because I had zero experience.

The fact that inventory was only partly organized and all over the place made it difficult for me to track and find parts, especially the motherboards and chassis. Give me time to figure where everything is? Please stop moving the parts around without letting me know. But that happened, and I was held responsible when other people moved our parts without my knowledge. At least write it down on the note cards for me, or even just leave me a note on my desk. Why was I solely holding responsibility for the inventory when anyone else could go into inventory and take what they need? I couldn't always be in the inventory rooms. I had many places to be: my desk, main inventory room, second inventory room, third inventory room, Production (which was very large), back of warehouse, and front office.

Mainly I was just overwhelmed by how many responsibilities I had going in. Receiving, scanning, picking, counting, submitting RMAs, returning RMAs, updating information in the RMA software, emailing manufacturers about RMAs, adjusting sales order items, packaging, tracking things down. Because I was new to all of these responsibilities, I should have been eased into some of them. At the least, there should have been some thorough training and maybe a list of what my priorities should have been. I mean, after all, I was expecting to do assembly work because that's where my strongest skills lie; and there's not that much variety in assembly.

I wish I wasn't complaining about the company, but I just didn't fit in that work environment and the work environment didn't fit me. I would rather quit and use my time to find other work that suits me. So I'm hoping everything will work out. I know I could do the job I had, but only with proper training. Please explain to me why I'm doing something; so in the future, when I run into that reason, I know what to do next.

Blah. I felt so pathetic quitting the job, but I'm weaksauce when it comes to stress. Stressors from work and family built up too much. Can't quit family, so gotta quit the job. Haven't told my family. Hoping I won't have to.

I was offered a temp data entry job with Randstad, the same one from December. I just need to resubmit some forms that they'll email me. Hopefully, this job won't fall through this time. Yeah, still $10 an hour, but it's cool; I don't really drive around much. No overtime at Randstad either, I think; though, I don't think this last job paid me for overtime; either that, or they withheld a lot more of my pay than I expected. Anyway, Randstad job is in Mountain View, a mile and a half farther away from home than my old job in Fremont.

I really miss my job in Fremont. I miss my coworkers the most. They treated me like family; it was nice.

I've been applying to jobs on Craigslist and Snagajob nonstop. C'mon, data entry jobs, get back to me.

I just want a job with some training. Good on-the-job training that prepares me well. I mean, I know if I got a job where my mechanical skills came into use, training would be easier. If I get another office job, training might have to be a little more intensive and structured for me because of the multitasking that's involved.

I'm giving myself about two or so weeks to secure a job before I decide my family needs to know I don't have a job. This is so fun.


Oh yeah, Brother went to jail on Tuesday too. I didn't think it would affect me so much, but that thought affected me the whole day. I wasn't expecting it to have such an impact on me because I feel like it didn't really before. Maybe because I see the improvement he's made in his life and the fact that he's going to be a father to a little girl, I have hope that this will be the last time he seriously messes up.

Ah, I'm just a well of emotion this week.

SF Pride and Second week at KSC

Pride was this past weekend. I got to enjoy my Saturday there with Shiva, Mai, Ash, Harrison, and a new friend, Theresa (or is it Teresa?). Basically, we just walked around all day. I think the only times we sat down were on the BART and during dinner at KPOP.

We tried to make the start of the Dyke March, but we just barely missed the Dykes on Bikes. Followed the march all the way to Castro. Met up with Matt, Nick, and their friends for a short bit. Went to dinner, where Harrison joined us. I tried Korean beer. Hite. It was not bad. Tried some soju for the first time too. Not my fave; the alcohol is strong. Afterward, walked to Lexington. I was super tired. Yawning every minute. Ash paid attention and kept pointing it out haha.

I like Pride. But there are so many people... I don't know why I continue to want to come back. So many people. Also, every time I go to Pride, I always say I want to have a partner to go to the next Pride with me. Never happened. Never going to happen >: Haha.

Oh, Karina told me her new coworker went to Pride. The coworker said so many fights broke out at Pride that she and her friends just decided to go home where it was safer. Don't know if the fights were event-related or not. Also, there were straight guys at Pride that were going around calling other guys "faggots" and talking trash about them. Supposedly, someone got in their faces about that. The coworker left before she saw what became of this altercation.

I somehow missed all this negative energy. Kinda glad. But also sad that any of this would be happening at all at Pride. Our safe space is being invaded by idiots.


Anyway, work has been ok. Monday was super tough on me. I was on my own. No Johnny to guide me. However, he had sent an email to all of us with his last messages about work and some advice. It kinda helped me. I was still struggling though. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing when I finished a task. So I spent most of my time sitting at my desk, reading online about the various parts that we buy and the products we sell, educating myself a little.

I think I've pretty much got everything down except the RMA stuff. I never quite know which RMA to do and to which manufacturer I must submit the request. So I've asked a lot of questions. I get quick answers, vague answers, I-don't-know answers, and answers I just don't understand or can't follow. I think it's the language barrier. Chinese as their primary language, English as their secondary or tertiary. So how some coworkers explain things doesn't help me understand the answer. But I can't keep asking because everyone's pretty busy.

So Monday was hard because I felt like I wasn't doing anything right, I wasn't going to do anything right, I couldn't keep up, and I couldn't understand the what, how, or why of my job. It all culminated in me feeling completely inadequate and incompetent. I was on the verge of tears at work because I felt all this pressure to do everything right. So overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility placed on me. I wanted to quit already.

Felt like that all day. Even after work, well into the night. I really wanted to just quit so that the responsibilities wouldn't rest on me anymore. That was my emotional side. My logical side told me that I was just irritable because of the unbearable heat. Home is super hot, and work is super hot. I'm just sweating all day. The only times I'm cool enough are on the drive to and from work and in the shower. Once I step out of my car or bathroom, I immediately start sweating from the heat. And if you know me, you know I don't like hot weather. I can't handle it very well.

So yeah, my logical side guessed that if I had started this job in the winter, I probably wouldn't feel this negatively about everything going on at work. I also reasoned that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've never had this much responsibility for anything, so it should take some getting used to. After all, I had applied to be an assembler, not an inventory clerk or RMA associate. Assembly doesn't require as many responsibilities. So it is understandable that I feel overwhelmed by everything that I have to learn in a short amount of time. With little training. Actually, there's no training. They tell me to do something. If I can't figure it out, I ask people questions until someone shows me or I ask enough questions. Then I make mistakes, and someone corrects me. And I hopefully don't make more of the same mistakes.

I'm getting past my moments of hopelessness and negativity. I'll continue to get past them. I'll get better at it, or they'll just stop coming at me. Either way, I know I can succeed if I persist. Just gotta remind myself of that, and everything will be all right :)

Tuesday was better, and today was definitely better. Work has slowed down a little bit. Or rather it's backed up at the beginning of the day, evens out during the middle, and slows to a snail's pace at the end. I'm slowly starting to make small, casual conversation with a few coworkers. I don't feel too much like an outsider anymore. (They're also hiring more Vietnamese people, so I'm not one of two but one of four haha.)

I had about three hours of down time at the end of my day today. There was nothing to do, and no one needed my assistance. I could have spent three hours just being lazy. But instead, I started typing up the procedural steps to my job responsibilities, at least the ones that I'm somewhat comfortable with. At first, it was just so I could have something to refer to and to use as a reminder. Then I changed my mind and decided to make it so that the next person to do my job will have an outline for everything they need to learn. I wish I had an outline or job handbook or something to help me out. But I don't. And I still don't know everything about my job. So I'm making the outlines from what I know and remember. Receiving, inventory, purchase orders, and sales orders are the easiest to remember, so I typed that all out first. Then storage of CPUs and memory. Next is printing. I'll probably add in shipping. RMA will probably be last because I still don't know it well enough.

I figure that if I can write a decent outline of the responsibilities and tasks, that means I actually know and understand what I'm doing. Hopefully, I won't forget any important details. And it will be something good and useful for the next person. But I would probably have to train the next person. If I don't though, they'll have my notes haha.

Do I feel like I'll stay with this company for a long time? Probably not. I mean my desire to quit is pretty weak now. I'm starting to get things right. But I don't feel like I fit well with the company. Like I said before, the people are nice. But the company itself doesn't mesh with me. Few reasons: no AC--I'm dying in there; no training--I feel quite unprepared for a lot of things; little organization--things feel like they're all over the place.

Oh, and since I'm responsible for inventory, anything that's missing will be my fault. We're missing a few things; or rather my physical count did not match Quickbooks. That's on me, even though this stuff went missing before Johnny left. (I did the count when he was still working.) Meh. I'll argue my case if I have to.

So yeah, that's work. I have lots more to say, but I can't remember anymore and I really should be sleeping...


It's Fourth of July weekend. Four-day weekend! I can rest! So tired. Still need to do chores--laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, etc. Maybe after, I'll do fun things with people. Oh, and finish what I can of the outlines. Hope I can remember everything.

Anyway, huzzah! :P

First two days at KSC.

I started my job in Sunnyvale yesterday. I decided to take 101 just to see what traffic would be like. Man, it was slow. Fifty minutes to go fourteen miles. It took forty to get home.

I managed to get to work a half hour early though. Met some coworkers. Everyone looked somewhat incredulous when I said I was hired as an assembler. They don't think I could lift anything. i demonstrated. I also explained that I've assembled furniture before, and I've carried heavy equipment and whatnot.

I ended up being trained in filling sales orders, maintaining inventory, and handling RMAs (Return Merchandise Authorizations) by Johnny, whose last day was today. I'm essentially taking over his job, even though I was hired mainly for assembly. Supposedly, I'll help out with assembly soon. As for the sales orders and inventory, I think I've got the hang of them. (This could help me when I start looking for inventory-focused jobs, which is what I had mainly been looking for before anyway.) The RMAs, however, confused the hell out of me. There are two kinds of RMAs, but there are three different procedures depending on which type and from whom I received the request. My brain got a little jumbled about all that.

They gave me a notebook so that I could write things down to remember. So I've been taking notes, but I still don't think I'm quite all there yet. Only experience and hopefully not too many mistakes to help me learn and be where I need to be.

Training was not thorough. Johnny admitted it. Plus, only two days of training. Not enough. I need at least a few days where I do things and get direct feedback so I can learn, adapt, and improve. But I guess I'll just have to wing it and ask everyone a lot of questions >.< And hope that I get everything right and on time.

Anyway, today wasn't too bad. I filled sales orders, logged inventory, labeled computer memory with stickers, and counted inventory. Took me three hours to count inventory. It doesn't even look like they have much either, but it took the longest time.

I think the closest thing I've done to assembling has been taking CPUs, memory, and hard drives out of motherboards and kits. Oh yeah, I'm slowly remembering the terminology.

Today, I found out that the company comps free lunch delivery every Friday. And we're all to eat together as a big family. Cool. Save me some food money :P Or really save me from having to prepare lunch on Thursday nights haha. Anyway, lunch pretty much introduced me to everyone in the building. I think we've got closer to twenty than thirty people in the company. I think there were only sixteen people in the lunchroom. We introduced ourselves and played Two Truths and a Lie, except people didn't really understand the concept of it haha, but it was fun.

So my impression of KSC so far: nice atmosphere, nice people, cheap on the AC (Is there even AC in Production or Purchasing?), and a bit disorganized. Or maybe I'm just not used to their way of organizing things. Eventually, yeah?

I don't really know what else to say. Work is exhausting. Or mainly just very hot. I wish it started and ended earlier, but 9 to 6 gives me eight and a half hours of work every day. Overtime, woot woot!

Ok, time to pass out. When I wake up, I need to get some things done (cleaning, laundry, car battery change) and maybe go to SF Pride :D

Second official job!

I accepted the job offer from KSC. Tomorrow will be my last day at KPI, and I'll start my new job on Thursday.

So after 30 days, the medical and dental plans will kick in. That's good. I need healthcare...

Hours are 9 to 6. Nine hours. Two fifteen-minute breaks and one half-hour lunch. I'm still a bit confused about the two breaks. Do I get paid for those? If I do, does that mean I'll get overtime every day? I'll ask for clarification on Thursday when I come in to sign the forms and whatnot. I'm not too fond of the hours. I would prefer to start early, like I currently do, but I guess it's nice to not have to wake up at 5AM. Starting Thursday, I can wake up at 6 or 7AM :D I'll probably continue to sleep early, but it won't be such a pain if I occasionally stay up past 10.

So I think I'm probably going to keep like an extra pair of pants in my car for work. I was told that my job allows me to wear casual stuff, but if I end up delivering products to customers, I have to wear somewhat professional clothing. I'm a work jeans kind of person; so I guess I will have to keep an extra pair of pants in the car in case they don't let me know the day before that I'll be making a delivery.

This is exciting! I'm slightly anxious. Oh, change, why must you make me feel this way? But I'm still excited for change. Hopefully to a job that I'll really enjoy. C'mon! I get to help build computers! I get to build things :D Hope I learn quickly enough haha.

Wow, I've been working at KPI for fourteen and a half weeks. More than three months. I didn't know how long I was gonna stay there, but it's been good. I really like my coworkers there. It's kinda like a big family. I'll be sad to not see them anymore. I don't even know how I will tell any of them tomorrow... It is last-minute and sudden. I can't not tell them; I don't want to leave them hanging and worrying about me.

Oh, I got a call today from a friend of a family friend. He asked me if I wanted him to forward my resume to a company that I thought he had just left. I don't know why he asked me. He supposedly sent it to the company twice already... -shrug- I told him to go ahead and do so. I could land a job in Milpitas that will pay me $15 an hour, but it's as an office assistant. I could do it. I don't know if I would enjoy it. However, it would be even closer to home than KSC and would definitely pay more. We'll see if that Milpitas company contacts me at all. Though, I would hate to leave KSC just like that...

I'll figure things out as opportunities arise. Hopefully, everything will work out well and for the best for everyone :)

Job offer from KSC

Earlier this month, I applied for the computer assembler/tester position at King Star Computer, Inc. via Craigslist. They contacted me on Friday, and we had a mini phone interview. We had the in-person interview today right after I got out of work. I somehow made it from Fremont to Sunnyvale in less than thirty minutes :D

I'm always so nervous during interviews, but today I was relatively calm on the inside haha. I managed to impress two people at KSC. About twenty minutes after I left the building, I got a call telling me that they would like to offer me the job. I have until Wednesday to accept the job offer.

Thirteen and a half miles away from home. Will save about $25 a month on gas; not much, but it's something. Will make $10.00 an hour. Up $1.50 from my current job. And this would be a permanent job. Small company; only about thirty employees. The job actually allows me to build something. Rackmount servers. Basically computers of varing sizes. I think the company's mainly full of Chinese employees. Hopefully, I won't be too awkward haha.

I forgot to ask about what the hours and benefits are. But I called and left a message about that info with my interviewer. Hopefully, I'll find out about that stuff tomorrow and maybe even give them my answer then.

This will probably be a 9 to 5 job, meaning I'll actually have to deal with serious traffic. But it's all good.

I will continue looking for other jobs. But I'm gonna see what I can learn and gain from KSC if I do ultimately take this job. I can't wait to learn how to build a computer :D and how to do a bunch of other stuff because being a small company means all employees contribute in every way necessary.

In other news, KPI, my current employer, is training me for more advanced jobs. I don't like it because the advanced jobs mainly involve thoroughly checking tiny little parts. I like working the machines more. And I've learned that I can't really use microscopes very well; My eyes won't focus properly. I can only see through one eye when I use the microscope -_- It's annoying. And slow. Oh well.

Oh, and darn my forgetfulness. My car battery died today. I had left my headlights on for two hours in front of the house. When I went to my car to go to dinner with Brother and Karina, I couldn't unlock my car. When I manually unlocked the door, my car alarm went off and wouldn't turn off. I thought my key fob had run out of battery, but then my car wouldn't start. So I figured out what happened. Brother brought D over with jumper cables, and they jumpstarted my car with Karina's car. That was all fun.

Afterward, Brother, Karina, and I went to eat at San Pedro Square. Turns out an acquaintance of mine from Q&A is co-owner of Phonomenal and silent partner of On A Roll. Got a discount on our pho :D Then got Treatbot. Marielle was working tonight. Hadn't seen her in at least two years probably. I saw her and thought I recognized her but wasn't sure. But it turned out to be her. And she gave me a free double scoop :)

Today ended well. I'm happy. I hope tomorrow will go just as well if not better.

Not too much else has been happening. I've been reading more lately. It's nice to get back into reading for fun :) Oh, it also rained today. Supposed to rain tomorrow too. Fun. Always strange to see rain during the summer. I think it's cool though. As long as it's not pouring. I don't want high humidity. No saunas for me XP

Anyway, way past my bedtime. Need sleep! Good night, folks!

Moving again.

It's been almost two months since my last update. Whyy??

I've been working, eating, or sleeping. Occasionally hanging out with friends, but really that's just because Shiva hangs out with people. I hardly try to hang out with anyone.

Anyway, I'm moving again. Into my own room this time. I found this place on Craigslist. Near McLaughlin and Tully. Quiet place where all the roommates stick to themselves. Relatively clean. Decently priced. A little closer to Mother, but that's ok. She wants to come over a few times a week; I'm not sure how I feel about that. I like my space.

I'm hoping that I will enjoy living at this house. I want my stay to be somewhat long-lasting.

I feel like when I move out, I'll become more reclusive than ever. Like I said, I hang out with people because Shiva hangs out with people. When I leave, and when she goes off to law school, I will probably spend more of my time alone. It doesn't make me sad or anything like that. I actually kinda look forward to it. I kinda want to be alone for a while...

It's going to be nice to have my own space and privacy again. And I basically have my own bathroom too, so that's cool. I get my bed back. And my dresser. And my desktop. And a new computer desk. I have to buy a wireless adapter for the desktop though because I don't want a new desktop but wireless Internet connection would be nice.

Hopefully, everything works out well and for the best...

So work has been good. Sometimes slow, sometimes stressful. Depends on the day and the work I have to do. I'm getting more and more comfortable with some of my coworkers. Granted, none of them are around my age, but that's all right. I should learn how to interact with older folks anyway.

No work this week because the company's remodeling the floors and repainting the walls. Sucks to be a temp because I get no paid time off. So while it's nice to get a week off, I'm not making any money to add to my savings.

And my savings is kinda low. I've been helping my family pay some bills and debts. Pretty much half the money I've made the past two months. I was hoping to just continue saving, but my family needs some financial help. And the least I could do is add in my support. Besides, they've been helping me since I moved out. Still paying for my gas, making me dinner from time to time, and giving me some minor necessities that I'm sometimes too lazy to get myself.

So I'm going to spend this week prepping for the move. I need to collect a few things that I won't have when I move. Can't use roommates' things anymore. I think I'm doing pretty well in getting ready. I still want to reorganize my stuff for the move. A little anxious about the move, which means I want to organize to calm down a little. But I don't really have too much to organize. I did a pretty good job the first hundred times :P

Exciting times. Exciting year. More changes. People leaving, learning, growing. Who would have ever thought I would be where I am now? I know some people expected me to be far, far better off than I currently am. And I know I didn't expect myself to go anywhere for a while. But I got somewhere. It might not be much to others, but I'm pretty damn happy with myself. I'm satisfied so far. I couldn't really ask for much better.

Anyway, life is all right. Some things are a little tough, but I'm happy. Just thought I'd let you know.

Not bald.

I have a shaved head :D Shiva buzzed my hair with her electric razor on Saturday. We used #3 because that was the longest one she had.

It feels so nice. No need to use a lot of shampoo and conditioner for a while haha. When Brother saw it on Sunday, he didn't look happy. But whatever. I did it. He can't change it back.

I'll probably try to only see Mother once a week. And I'll wear a beanie to cover my head so that she won't know. I know she'll freak out if she sees it.

I'm debating about whether I'll get my hair buzzed again before summer. It's so nice and strange to feel the air on my scalp. I couldn't stop touching my hair all weekend haha. It's such a new feeling. I like it.

Shiva says my head looks so small now that my hair is pretty much gone. And I've pretty much received positive reactions from friends who have seen me so far.

If I buzz my hair again, that means I would have to continue to wear a beanie whenever I see Mother. During the summer. Wouldn't it be suspicious? Probably.

Maybe I'll just get started on growing my hair out to donate it in two-ish years. Again :)

Anyway, a family friend connected me to a potential job. An office/administrative assistant or something like that for Quanta QCT in Milpitas. I could do it. It would be a bit closer to home. I probably wouldn't have to wake up so early. That would be nice. Plus, it would be a permanent job, not temp.

I'm emailing the the family friend's friend who is offering the job. He has asked for my salary request, but I have no idea how much money I'd like to earn. I'm happy with $8.50 an hour, but I have a feeling that my family would be upset about that and the guy also said that I was overqualified for the job based on my resume. Except I don't see that because I barely have any work experience.

I looked up similar jobs online, and people tend to make about thirty-something thousand dollars a year in a job like this. But I don't want to ask for so much money... I don't need it...

I think I'll wait for Shiva to come home to help me choose a number haha. If I respond now, I would probably ask for $10 an hour, and that would be less than $20,000 a year. And much less than the average entry level assistant, it seems.

I don't know what I'm supposed to ask for.

Oh, and I don't know how this other company would react to me having shaved my head. My current workplace allows me to wear a hat, so I kept my beanie on all day. Even though, it gets really hot in there. Potential job is in an office environment... I don't know if they'll look down on me or rescind the job offer. I hope not.

I cried at work today.

Today was full of good stuff for me. I've only been working for a week, and now I've already cried because of work.

My trainer, Angelica, had asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was tired like I have been all week. She looked at me for a while and then said that I don't eat enough. I said I eat enough. I just don't have any of my own food at home to bring with me to eat yet; I need to wait for my paycheck to come in so that I have money that I'm not saving and can spend. Angelica and a few coworkers asked me if I wanted our other coworkers to chip in to buy or bring me food every day, and I said no. That's just too nice for people to do for a stranger like me, who's probably not staying at this job for too long. Then my coworker Jaswinder asked me if I was eating dinner, and I said, "Yeah, my friend cooks for me." Haha. It's kinda true. I don't think she believed me though because she looked at me like it was a weird thing to say.

At break time, Angelica and some other coworkers bought tamales from a taco truck. Angelica saved two for me. I appreciated it. I saved one for home.

At the end of the work day, I noticed that Angelica had a whole bunch of cash on our table, but I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later after cleanup, she pulled me aside and told me that she knows I don't want any help but everybody there is very nice and really cares about each other. Then she started counting and putting the money into my hand. She also gave me a list of people's name. There was a total of nineteen coworkers who chipped in. $240 in cash. I was awestruck. Angelica had asked coworkers, some I don't even know, during her lunch break to help me out. I had a late lunch, so it was easy for her to surprise me.

So after she gave me the money and explained that everyone there cares and would like me to be ok, I just started crying. I didn't know what to say or do. I just thanked her. It felt like everything around became muted. (And it's a factory, so it's very loud in there.) She told me that even though I've only worked there for a week, she can tell that I'm a good person and a hard worker. I just cried harder.

Man, after an exhausting week, this was the perfect end to it. I came to Knightsbridge Plastics, Inc., thinking it was just a temp job and I probably wouldn't get to know people all that well. But in a week, I've talked to a handful of people who are pretty awesome. And now some of those people and others I haven't met have given me something. I don't know how to repay them. I just feel so grateful to be surrounded by such thoughtful, awesome, lovely people. Today made me realize it wouldn't be so bad to continue working here.

However, that leads me to the next good thing that happened today. The hiring manager from Randstad called me and told me that there's a possible job opening for me. I told her I could start a week from Monday, April 1; I'd like to be able to give a few days' notice to my current employer. Details haven't been finalized yet, but the chance is there. Tomoyo, the manager, just wanted to give me a head's up, in case I was still looking for work. Even though the kindness that I was given today made me feel better about working at KPI, I would still like a job that helps me save more by being closer to home or paying more. Anyway, Tomoyo said that she would call me back on Monday to let me know for sure and to let me have a few days to decide if I would like to take the job.

I don't know what I will do about the job. I'll probably take the Randstad job if it's officially offered. We'll see what happens. I might just feel kinda sad to leave all these nice friends I've started making. We don't really have any reason to talk outside of work. But who knows what will happen until I leave? Maybe I'll get some emails or numbers, and we'll all hang out. Haha probably not. Most of my coworkers are busy with work and families... But these are the kinda people I would like to be friends with. We need more people like them. I'm lucky to have met some of them.

Anyway, the rest of my day was eventful, I suppose. I went to Chase today to open a bank account. I was in such a good mood that I actually chatted with the banker who was helping me. Talking to people seemed a little easier and more fun today.

And I just realized I forgot the apartment number in my address when I was opening the bank account. Ahh, so stupid -_- It's been a while since I've had to add an apartment number to my address.

Hmm, I also visited Dexter today. Played with him for a bit. Fed him a little bit, even though I wasn't supposed to :P I smelled like wet dog when I left him. Also felt really bad that he was alone. He started whining when I was leaving /: I realize I don't know if I could handle having a dog. A cat, maybe. Dogs need a little too much attention. I'd like a pet who knows when I need to be alone and can be ok home alone.

Oh, another stupid thing I did. I almost caused a car accident on the way home from Dexter. I didn't realize the lane I was in was merging with the lane on my right. When I realized I was about to hit the car next to me, I swerved and nearly hit the car in the lane on my left -_-; I didn't see either car. I was paying attention too... I think me driving on five hours or less of sleep is hazardous. Tonight, I pass out and get at least eight hours. Hopefully.

I'm actually pretty sleepy right now. Also hungry. Waiting for Shiva and Mai to come back from food shopping to make dinner <.< I need to eventually not depend on other people for my meals.

Ooh, can't wait for the hard ciders. And beers another night. Ooh, maybe I can buy a pack... Or not. There's not much space in the fridge. And I should spend money on things I need, not want >: Maybe when I have more spending money. An occasional six-pack wouldn't be harmful or wasteful...

Ah, let the weekend begin.