SF Pride and Second week at KSC

Pride was this past weekend. I got to enjoy my Saturday there with Shiva, Mai, Ash, Harrison, and a new friend, Theresa (or is it Teresa?). Basically, we just walked around all day. I think the only times we sat down were on the BART and during dinner at KPOP.

We tried to make the start of the Dyke March, but we just barely missed the Dykes on Bikes. Followed the march all the way to Castro. Met up with Matt, Nick, and their friends for a short bit. Went to dinner, where Harrison joined us. I tried Korean beer. Hite. It was not bad. Tried some soju for the first time too. Not my fave; the alcohol is strong. Afterward, walked to Lexington. I was super tired. Yawning every minute. Ash paid attention and kept pointing it out haha.

I like Pride. But there are so many people... I don't know why I continue to want to come back. So many people. Also, every time I go to Pride, I always say I want to have a partner to go to the next Pride with me. Never happened. Never going to happen >: Haha.

Oh, Karina told me her new coworker went to Pride. The coworker said so many fights broke out at Pride that she and her friends just decided to go home where it was safer. Don't know if the fights were event-related or not. Also, there were straight guys at Pride that were going around calling other guys "faggots" and talking trash about them. Supposedly, someone got in their faces about that. The coworker left before she saw what became of this altercation.

I somehow missed all this negative energy. Kinda glad. But also sad that any of this would be happening at all at Pride. Our safe space is being invaded by idiots.


Anyway, work has been ok. Monday was super tough on me. I was on my own. No Johnny to guide me. However, he had sent an email to all of us with his last messages about work and some advice. It kinda helped me. I was still struggling though. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing when I finished a task. So I spent most of my time sitting at my desk, reading online about the various parts that we buy and the products we sell, educating myself a little.

I think I've pretty much got everything down except the RMA stuff. I never quite know which RMA to do and to which manufacturer I must submit the request. So I've asked a lot of questions. I get quick answers, vague answers, I-don't-know answers, and answers I just don't understand or can't follow. I think it's the language barrier. Chinese as their primary language, English as their secondary or tertiary. So how some coworkers explain things doesn't help me understand the answer. But I can't keep asking because everyone's pretty busy.

So Monday was hard because I felt like I wasn't doing anything right, I wasn't going to do anything right, I couldn't keep up, and I couldn't understand the what, how, or why of my job. It all culminated in me feeling completely inadequate and incompetent. I was on the verge of tears at work because I felt all this pressure to do everything right. So overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility placed on me. I wanted to quit already.

Felt like that all day. Even after work, well into the night. I really wanted to just quit so that the responsibilities wouldn't rest on me anymore. That was my emotional side. My logical side told me that I was just irritable because of the unbearable heat. Home is super hot, and work is super hot. I'm just sweating all day. The only times I'm cool enough are on the drive to and from work and in the shower. Once I step out of my car or bathroom, I immediately start sweating from the heat. And if you know me, you know I don't like hot weather. I can't handle it very well.

So yeah, my logical side guessed that if I had started this job in the winter, I probably wouldn't feel this negatively about everything going on at work. I also reasoned that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've never had this much responsibility for anything, so it should take some getting used to. After all, I had applied to be an assembler, not an inventory clerk or RMA associate. Assembly doesn't require as many responsibilities. So it is understandable that I feel overwhelmed by everything that I have to learn in a short amount of time. With little training. Actually, there's no training. They tell me to do something. If I can't figure it out, I ask people questions until someone shows me or I ask enough questions. Then I make mistakes, and someone corrects me. And I hopefully don't make more of the same mistakes.

I'm getting past my moments of hopelessness and negativity. I'll continue to get past them. I'll get better at it, or they'll just stop coming at me. Either way, I know I can succeed if I persist. Just gotta remind myself of that, and everything will be all right :)

Tuesday was better, and today was definitely better. Work has slowed down a little bit. Or rather it's backed up at the beginning of the day, evens out during the middle, and slows to a snail's pace at the end. I'm slowly starting to make small, casual conversation with a few coworkers. I don't feel too much like an outsider anymore. (They're also hiring more Vietnamese people, so I'm not one of two but one of four haha.)

I had about three hours of down time at the end of my day today. There was nothing to do, and no one needed my assistance. I could have spent three hours just being lazy. But instead, I started typing up the procedural steps to my job responsibilities, at least the ones that I'm somewhat comfortable with. At first, it was just so I could have something to refer to and to use as a reminder. Then I changed my mind and decided to make it so that the next person to do my job will have an outline for everything they need to learn. I wish I had an outline or job handbook or something to help me out. But I don't. And I still don't know everything about my job. So I'm making the outlines from what I know and remember. Receiving, inventory, purchase orders, and sales orders are the easiest to remember, so I typed that all out first. Then storage of CPUs and memory. Next is printing. I'll probably add in shipping. RMA will probably be last because I still don't know it well enough.

I figure that if I can write a decent outline of the responsibilities and tasks, that means I actually know and understand what I'm doing. Hopefully, I won't forget any important details. And it will be something good and useful for the next person. But I would probably have to train the next person. If I don't though, they'll have my notes haha.

Do I feel like I'll stay with this company for a long time? Probably not. I mean my desire to quit is pretty weak now. I'm starting to get things right. But I don't feel like I fit well with the company. Like I said before, the people are nice. But the company itself doesn't mesh with me. Few reasons: no AC--I'm dying in there; no training--I feel quite unprepared for a lot of things; little organization--things feel like they're all over the place.

Oh, and since I'm responsible for inventory, anything that's missing will be my fault. We're missing a few things; or rather my physical count did not match Quickbooks. That's on me, even though this stuff went missing before Johnny left. (I did the count when he was still working.) Meh. I'll argue my case if I have to.

So yeah, that's work. I have lots more to say, but I can't remember anymore and I really should be sleeping...


It's Fourth of July weekend. Four-day weekend! I can rest! So tired. Still need to do chores--laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, etc. Maybe after, I'll do fun things with people. Oh, and finish what I can of the outlines. Hope I can remember everything.

Anyway, huzzah! :P

Pride 2012

So I went to Pride yesterday and today with Matt C, Nick C, Vivi N, and Derrick Q. Basically followed Vivi the whole weekend (part of our group's working buddy system). Spent Saturday night/Sunday morning in a nice hotel in Union Square.

SF Pride was a mixed bag. Saturday was great! Sunday could have been better, but it also could have been worse. Now, I'm absolutely exhausted in many ways.

Saturday, the four of us BARTed up from Fremont. We checked out the festival in the afternoon. A few of us got some food. At one point, Vivi and I lost the guys. We did run into Amirissa (I know her from ST, and Vivi knows her from SJSU). Later in the day, she and I went to see the Dyke March. Ran into a former SJSU classmate and her girlfriend :) I remember running into her the first time I went to Pride back in 2009. After, met up with Harrison and Jen. Spent a while with them. Vivi and I just chilled in the hotel room afterward. Her friend, Olivia P, joined us. Took the MUNI. Checked out the Pink Party. Not what we expected. Thought it would be crazier. Met back up with the guys before they headed to Gameboi. Last thing Vivi, Olivia, and I did on Saturday night was eat dinner at King of Thai. Great food.

Vivi and I got back to the hotel a little after midnight. Cleaned up and got ready for bed. I had some Smirnoff Ice, Sour Apple Bite. Tasty. We were lying on the bed, talking for a while.

It was a good day and night up until that point.

After that, various conversations in which Vivi and I partook changed the atmosphere of our weekend. A lot of anger, sadness, resentment, and other negative states culminated in a tense early Sunday morning. Two instances of a friend storming out of the room. The first time, Vivi and I took after our friend. The second time, we didn't know what to do. So everyone in the room just stayed in and waited. There were few if any constructive conversations, which made me really sad. It was also difficult to watch my friends be hurt and hurt each other in whatever way they did. I didn't know what to do, except to lie in bed, wait, and watch.

Oh, we had two extra guests in the room, which did not take anything away from the tension. Instead, they probably added to it.

No one slept before 4 or 5 in the morning. I stayed awake much of the morning because I couldn't get to sleep until the sun started to come up. Awoke at 8:15 and stayed up listening to my iPod and just thinking about my friends. I texted a few friends, whom I had planned to meet with during the parade, to tell them I couldn't hang out with them. I felt sad to do that, but I was in no mood nor did I have the energy to go searching for more friends. I hate canceling on people, but I didn't think it would be right for me to bring them down with my mood. Seriously, I was so unhappy...

Morning was relatively quiet. Strained conversation. A friend's quick departure to the festival.

The rest of us took our time to get ready and to check out of the room. Went to eat breakfast/lunch at King of Thai. Then went to the festival. Met up with two friends for a short while. Then headed to the API stage. Saw Brian D and Trung N there (long time, no see). Didn't get to catch up, and don't know when we will have an opportunity to do so. Spent the next 1.5 hours near the API stage. Some good and bad singing. Great dance performances. Frustrations and impatience increased while we were here. Then we all decided to go home.

BARTing home. Crowded. Cramped. But quick. Unhappy energy. I fell asleep because of the lack of sleep I had.


This weekend was supposed to help me de-stress after the week I've had. Though, when I had gone to Matt's place to sleep over Friday night, I didn't really feel like going anymore. But I went because we had all made plans to go together, and I didn't want to throw a wrench into that just because I wasn't happy about my week. Saturday was worth it. I got rid of a lot of stress and gained some wonderful memories. Sunday, beginning sometime after midnight, distressed me more than it helped me de-stress. All the tension that I felt slip away a little on Saturday came back threefold on Sunday. The tension ebbed and flowed Sunday, but it was constantly there.

There was a lot of good this weekend, but I feel like today was too much for me. I focused on the good when I could. But the bad just kept poking its head in. Being surrounded by thousands of people did not help me. I could feel my anxiety increase throughout the day...


Now I'm home. I'm tired. My brain is functioning well below normal capacity. The tight feeling in my chest isn't tightening, but it hasn't disappeared.

I hope my friends can find their peace. Even if just a little bit. Some peace would be better than none.

I started off this weekend really only worried about one friend/person. It's ending with me worried about at least two more. And I'm still trying to remember that I can't change my friends' lives. I can only give what I can in terms of observation, support, encouraging words, constructive advice, and realistic viewpoints.

I still wish people could at least try to talk to each other openly, honestly, and without prejudice. It's difficult, but it often gets you somewhere. Shutting people out and avoiding confrontation hurts everyone involved.

But we can't change people. We can't make them act or think differently just because we want them to. But that doesn't mean we can't tell them what we think or believe. How they take what we say depends on them. Hopefully, it's with an open mind.


What I feel right now is unhappiness. Helplessness. Worry. But also some hope that things will get better. Even if they don't, I have to remember life goes on and we go on with it. I'm still learning not to dwell. Still learning to let go. Still learning to move on. I hope I'm getting better at these.

What I'm up to right now.

One moment in a day doesn't tell you much about my day, my week, or my life...

I'm going over details that aren't really important, but I'm going over them anyway. Helps to clear the head.

I've been going to bed by 10PM. I've been good with that sleep schedule. Waking up at 7AM is an obstacle though. Or rather getting up at 7AM is. It's really hit or miss. Some days I'm up at 7; other days I'm not. I will become an early bird again. The only exceptions to this sleep schedule are the nights where I go out dancing or just chilling with friends. But otherwise, my 10PM bedtime is just lovely.

I've started going to a chiropractor. Stephen Cain is his name. Relatively new to the business. Very friendly. I've been going for about two weeks now. So my word might just be exaggerated optimism. But if anything, I feel a lot better. That could just be coinciding with the improvements I'm trying to make in my life. But Dr Cain has helped reduced some of the pain I've been having in my lower back. Low pressure adjustments ftw! Dr Cain is also very knowledgeable, and I've learned quite a bit about healthy living. Like, don't crack your neck or your back even if it feels good. You're most likely cracking areas of your spine that don't need it. And the areas that need it don't get the necessary attention because of the condition that they're in. I really can't explain it that well haha, but if you go to chiro, you will learn loads. And if you want a recommendation, I say Crossroads Health Center in Campbell is the place to go :)

I've also started practicing guitar. Kinda. Shiva has let me borrow her mini guitar, which gets out of tune really quickly haha. I also have trouble keeping it in place on my lap. I think I may take Vivi's old guitar after all just so I can hold it more easily. But for now, I'm practicing on the mini guitar. It's adorable. I started on Saturday. I'm using lessons from YouTuber Justin (what was his last name?). I'm practicing three chords. D, A, and E. When I get those three without as much duress as I do now, I'll move onto C and G. My left forearm and shoulder get sore, but I'm probably just tensing my arm too much while reaching the correct strings. It's so difficult >.< because I'm either leaning on another string with my finger or I'm not pressing hard enough. Adjusting one finger usually means I misalign another finger on a string. Blah. I will get this! And my arm will stop tensing as much and maybe even get stronger :D But yes, guitar is fun. Yay for a real hobby! Mother approves of it because she thinks that means I won't leave the house as often. Like I'm only going to leave my house once a month XP

I'm going to SF Pride this weekend with Matt C, Nick C, and Vivi N. That's going to be fun. I'm planning to meet up with quite a few people :) Matt and Nick will go to GaMeBoi Saturday night, whereas Vivi and I will chill with her SF friend and probably attend the Pink Party. I've only been to Pride once. And that was on a Sunday in 2009 with Brian and Trung (I miss those two, but it seems like Brian is ignoring me on Facebook). I'm excited to be going again, and this time it's with college friends. I don't know what to expect this weekend, but I hope it will be full of wonderful :) Haha maybe I'll wear my rainbow lei and wristband this weekend.

I've been reading Dracula by Bram Stoker. Didn't think I was going to understand the novel too well, but I actually do haha. And I'm enjoying it greatly. I have less than a hundred pages left ): I'm partially rooting for Dracula just because he's an intelligent vampire and the main characters did something really stupid (and sexist). Totally saw the new challenge to the characters coming as soon as they made that one decision. Alas, what is to be expected of those living in a patriarchal world?

Oh yeah. I've also been applying for jobs. But that's probably obvious from one of my recent posts. Maybe looking into my friend connections to find a job. We'll see how things pan out.


Hmm, what else? I can't think of much. I'm probably getting a haircut on Wednesday with Matt. I'm gonna see if I can get the hair-person to cut my hair shorter than last time <.< Even if it makes me look like a boy XP

I always feel like I have so much to say at the beginning of a blog post. As I'm writing, I forget what I wanted to write about and feel like I'm just blabbering on to fill the endless space. But that's what a lot of us do, isn't it? Takes me back to the thought that conversations are really just meaningless sequences of phrases that just happen to make sense together. Or not.

Shiva's Second Stay in San Jose

Shiva stayed at my house again from Sunday, June 19, to Friday, June 24. She went to her Orientation on that Monday. Tuesday, we went to Palo Alto for some Public Allies presentations. Then we went to the Human Society place in Milpitas. Played with kittens for a while :3 There was a grumpy kitten. It was his first day in there, and he had been dipped in sulfur to rid of worms. So his grumpiness was understandable. Shiva called him "El Groucho" XD I hope he's adapted well since.

Wednesday, June 22, Shiva and I visited Marian L. Brian L joined us. Shiva and Marian made brownies. Played a retro 8 bit PONG game (not sure what it's actually called) on Brian's laptop. He showed us his new mouse. A Razer something. Reminded me of the Batmobile :P Watched "Read or Die," the TV show. It was interesting. I want to continue watching it XD

Thursday, we tried to wake up early so that we could go to San Francisco to see more Public Allies presentations at the Asian Law Caucus. Missed the presentation that Shiva wanted to see at 9h00. We had left a bit too late, and there was a lot of traffic. Had trouble finding cheap parking. Found a garage that charged $3 an hour. Couldn't find any of the cheap flat rate ones (Saw one later as we were leaving -_-). Presentations were interesting. Much was about personal growth rather than what activities took place. Ate lunch at Lucky Creation Vegetarian Restaurant. Had trouble finding it because Shiva's GPS was acting up. Shared a meatless chicken curry or something. It was okay. Walked around Chinatown a little bit before returning to see more presentations. Didn't explore much because we didn't know where to go and I'm not much of an explorer <_<
When we were going to the car to leave, we had to pay first. Got charged $21 for parking for six hours and eleven minutes. Hoped that explaining that we had been in line waiting would take off the $3 for the eleven minutes. But no -_- Sad.
Then we went to the Castro. Took the longest time to find parking. Other people stole parking spots we did find XP But found one eventually, between two driveways. Went to the HRC store. Shiva bought dog tags like mine. Stuff in that store is so expensive <_< After, we walked around a little bit. I don't remember if we checked out any other stores >_> But we headed home around 8. Got home around 9.

Friday, woke up kinda late. Helped Shiva bring her stuff out to her car. Went to Harrison's house to play with his new kittens :3 Sooo adorable x3 Though, they were kinda afraid of us, especially the black one. The black one (Shiva shall call it Batman and the other Robin) pooped while it was in Harrison's hands because it was frightened of us. Used a phone cord to play with them. Need kitten toys XP Eventually, like half an hour before Shiva and I were supposed to leave. The kittens finally warmed up to us. Shiva just has a way with animals :3 The kittens fell asleep on Shiva's jacket XD We moved them to Harrison's bed.
Aww, such adorable kittens. I want kittens >w<
Shiva left kinda late in the day. 15h00. Mother wasn't happy about that <_< Scared that she'd get home too late, and her parents would get mad at her.

Shiva shall be back in less than two weeks :3 For more interview stuff. 58 candidates for 38-40 positions. But I'm confident that Shiva will get what she desires :)

Oh, Mother told me on Sunday, I think, that Shiva and I are so depressed when Shiva goes home. "You two act so gay together. You're not gay, are you? No gay. You should only be friends, ok?" >_> <_< >_> I didn't know what to say, so I backed away and left.

Anyway, yeah, not too much has been happening. Brother is starting his job at Honey Thai Restaurant on Friday :) Yay. Harrison and I need to go job hunting soon.

Ok, gotta gooo.

My forgetfulness made me forget the word "forgetfulness" ... o_o

Sorry, I haven't been updating. These past two or so weeks have been filled with fun and busy stuffs.

I realize I haven't been home much in the past five or so weeks. Been on campus all day every day (yes, including weekends). Been reading, doing homework, and doing other things. I have barely seen Mother. And I definitely haven't seen Brother in five weeks. That's crazy. And kinda sad.


This past Saturday, I went to SF with Shiva, Harrison, Marian (Harrison's friend), and Paul (Shiva's friend from UCB). We went to the Castro for a while. Haha parking was fuuun >_> Felt like Harrison's SUV was gonna tip over 'cause he parked on a steep hill XD We went to a few shops: the HRC shop (I got dog tags for $10, though I really wanted to buy a bracelet. But it was too expensive x.x), Under One Roof, a shop specialized for men and kinky stuff haha.

Then we drove to where the In N Out was haha :P Parked in the parking garage. Got In N Out. Walked around. Checked out some shops (can't really remember which). Took some pictures. The Skeleton! The pirate ship! Not really, but yeah haha (I've been tagged in some of the pictures on Facebook if you wanna see them).

Blah, sorry for the little detail, but my memory is just gone. I can't recall many specific things T-T

Oh, there was a search for the Ghiradelli Square. Oh-em-gee, how can I forget Fisherman's Wharf? Where the pirate ship was haha. Misty and cold. Not really. Pretty though.

Ooh, Ricky Martin with a rainbow flag. Wax Museum. There was also Eminem. And Mariah Carey, though it didn't really look like her from one side. Haha I laugh at the fact that they put Em and MC on the same spinning thingy. How controversial >_>

Just lots of stuff in SF that I can't recall ): Darn memory.


The Saturday before, I slept over at Shiva's. We were trying to finish our Non-Conforming Behavior term papers. Which I did horribly on. Well, 87/100 isn't too bad.

Same weekend, but on Friday, Harrison and I helped Shiva move into her old apartment. Fun stuff. Tiring. Took allll day XP 'cause we took our time. We were also dancing a lot. Shiva kept playing "Cooler Than Me," "Black and Gold," and a few other songs over and over. Songs that I gave her. She's obsessed!

The Thursday before that, there was a Kendo dinner. I didn't realize I was going until I was there. Sweet Tomatoes. In that plaza where my brother took me once for Jamba Juice. Oh, memories... Anyway, dinner was good. I apparently didn't eat enough. The Naginata sensei gave Shiva and Veronica each a bouquet for their birthdays. Really big bouquets. After dinner, we (Shiva, Veronica, Jay, and I) were taking pictures with the flowers in front of Sweet Tomatoes. Shiva and I were crushed... by flowers. There's evidence... on Facebook. Oh, and yeah, she kissed my cheek >_> right as the picture was taken.


Can anyone tell she's dictating what I say? :P Ok, not dictating, just reminding me of stuffs that happened haha.


Shiva says that I have the mind of an old geezer. She's not kidding. She's so mean T-T such a bully...


Anyway, yeah, that's the past two weeks. Kinda. I can't really be sure @_@

Hmph, Shiva's being mean to me right now T-T She won't tell me what I forgot about SF -sniff- I feel hurt, sad. She's taking pleasure in my sadness, my forgetfulness. Ahh, my forgetfulness saddens me. Seriously, it does.


Ok, anyway, I should get started on my term paper for Social Problems XD or else Shiva's gonna bust my ass o__o I'm sleeping over again. To study for stuff. She helps me. Crazy, isn't it? I'm studying for exams.



Btw, I guess I should say... Shiva is my girlfriend, just so you know... :P