A History of My Hair

I had various, shorter hairstyles chosen by my mom for most of my childhood and adolescence. I was frequently mistaken for a boy and occasionally bullied for it, which made me feel really insecure at times. But I dealt with it somehow and I never once thought I should grow out my hair to make things easier.

When I was a junior in high school, I decided to let my hair grow to my shoulders, which felt very strange. I just wanted to see what it would look like; would I actually look unattractive? My mom used to tell me that I would, which is why she always had me have short hair. I thought I looked all right.

I decided to cut my hair short again my senior year of high school because longer hair required too much effort and I was lazy haha. Back to normal. Ish.

During my freshman year of college, I decided to get my first “radical” hairstyle, a faux hawk. I wanted to explore something new. My mom freaked out; we argued. I kept the faux hawk for a couple of months. I grew it out because I again got lazy with maintenance. It required product and at least twenty minutes to style every day. That was a lot of time and effort I didn’t want to expend anymore.

At that point, I also just didn’t feel like getting my monthly haircut. And that feeling lasted for two and a half years. Really, after a year, I decided I wanted to grow my hair long enough to donate. During the winter of my senior year of college, I donated my hair to Pantene’s Beautiful Lengths for the first time. :)

I tried another, slightly longer faux hawk this time. Again, my mom and I argued. She was upset that I looked “like a man.” She threatened to shave my head as punishment. I told her to do it because I would be happy to do it. She had no response for that.

I suppose I should also add that I had been out to my mom since senior year of high school. My coming out to her was not a positive experience, and we haven’t even attempted to broach the subject since. Anyway, my styling choices just aggravated her discomfort with my sexuality. She was freaking out that I was “flaunting my lifestyle to the world”; not her words, but I knew what she meant. I wasn’t; I just wanted to do something different with my hair. I was not trying to be gayer haha.

The tension between my mom and me increased exponentially because of this. So I mellowed out with the hair to ease the tension. A small concession just to make life bearable.

Fast forward to over a year later. I got my hair buzzed two weeks after I moved out of my mom’s house in 2013. I wore a beanie every time I saw my parents for a couple of months haha. And then I continued to let my hair grow for a year and a half. Then I donated it again in December 2014. I decided to keep a simple style, reminiscent of my adolescence.

Then for half of 2015, I did variations of a fade and slick back combo. I truly enjoyed the look. But you know what happened; laziness kicked in. All that product, meh.

So I decided to buzz my hair again. And I actually decided I would try to grow it out for three years and then donate it once more. I wanted to see if I would have the patience to wait for my hair to reach my hips.

I’m less than two months shy of exactly three years, but my hair reaches my hips. I was going to wait until October to cut and donate my hair. However, my hair is annoying me, and I want to have short hair while it’s still hot out.

This upcoming weekend, I’m going to cut and donate my hair. I would do it sooner, but I feel like I should see my parents first and give them a head’s up, so they won’t be shocked the next time they see me. I can already hear my mom flipping out. But hey, at least this time, I’m giving her some warning. :P

I can’t wait to feel the weight literally be removed from my head haha.

As for the style, I might go for a pixie cut. No idea yet. Might decide on the spot. I would buzz my hair, but I think I'll wait for another time. I'm also not sure when I'll start growing out my hair to donate again.

----

I'm glad I grew up and matured. I don't care if people mistake me for a man or judge me for it anymore. So I'm willing to try different hairstyles.

I still kinda hide some of my style decisions from my parents. Not because I'm ashamed or guilty. More because I just don't feel like arguing with them every time I see them. They won't change their minds, and I'm not going to change mine. We're going to argue about my choices. I don't want to not do what I want to do just to avoid arguing. I only see them once a week. So I should do what I feel comfortable doing, especially when I'm the one living with myself. But I'll do my best to avoid conflict with my parents because it's not worth my time when it's not constructive.

----

I legally have been an adult for almost a decade. Technically, I’ve had long hair for more than half of my adult life. Weird.

After all these years, I still don’t know how to do anything with long hair other than put it in a ponytail haha.

Not bald.

I have a shaved head :D Shiva buzzed my hair with her electric razor on Saturday. We used #3 because that was the longest one she had.

It feels so nice. No need to use a lot of shampoo and conditioner for a while haha. When Brother saw it on Sunday, he didn't look happy. But whatever. I did it. He can't change it back.

I'll probably try to only see Mother once a week. And I'll wear a beanie to cover my head so that she won't know. I know she'll freak out if she sees it.

I'm debating about whether I'll get my hair buzzed again before summer. It's so nice and strange to feel the air on my scalp. I couldn't stop touching my hair all weekend haha. It's such a new feeling. I like it.

Shiva says my head looks so small now that my hair is pretty much gone. And I've pretty much received positive reactions from friends who have seen me so far.

If I buzz my hair again, that means I would have to continue to wear a beanie whenever I see Mother. During the summer. Wouldn't it be suspicious? Probably.

Maybe I'll just get started on growing my hair out to donate it in two-ish years. Again :)

Anyway, a family friend connected me to a potential job. An office/administrative assistant or something like that for Quanta QCT in Milpitas. I could do it. It would be a bit closer to home. I probably wouldn't have to wake up so early. That would be nice. Plus, it would be a permanent job, not temp.

I'm emailing the the family friend's friend who is offering the job. He has asked for my salary request, but I have no idea how much money I'd like to earn. I'm happy with $8.50 an hour, but I have a feeling that my family would be upset about that and the guy also said that I was overqualified for the job based on my resume. Except I don't see that because I barely have any work experience.

I looked up similar jobs online, and people tend to make about thirty-something thousand dollars a year in a job like this. But I don't want to ask for so much money... I don't need it...

I think I'll wait for Shiva to come home to help me choose a number haha. If I respond now, I would probably ask for $10 an hour, and that would be less than $20,000 a year. And much less than the average entry level assistant, it seems.

I don't know what I'm supposed to ask for.

Oh, and I don't know how this other company would react to me having shaved my head. My current workplace allows me to wear a hat, so I kept my beanie on all day. Even though, it gets really hot in there. Potential job is in an office environment... I don't know if they'll look down on me or rescind the job offer. I hope not.

What I'm up to right now.

One moment in a day doesn't tell you much about my day, my week, or my life...

I'm going over details that aren't really important, but I'm going over them anyway. Helps to clear the head.

I've been going to bed by 10PM. I've been good with that sleep schedule. Waking up at 7AM is an obstacle though. Or rather getting up at 7AM is. It's really hit or miss. Some days I'm up at 7; other days I'm not. I will become an early bird again. The only exceptions to this sleep schedule are the nights where I go out dancing or just chilling with friends. But otherwise, my 10PM bedtime is just lovely.

I've started going to a chiropractor. Stephen Cain is his name. Relatively new to the business. Very friendly. I've been going for about two weeks now. So my word might just be exaggerated optimism. But if anything, I feel a lot better. That could just be coinciding with the improvements I'm trying to make in my life. But Dr Cain has helped reduced some of the pain I've been having in my lower back. Low pressure adjustments ftw! Dr Cain is also very knowledgeable, and I've learned quite a bit about healthy living. Like, don't crack your neck or your back even if it feels good. You're most likely cracking areas of your spine that don't need it. And the areas that need it don't get the necessary attention because of the condition that they're in. I really can't explain it that well haha, but if you go to chiro, you will learn loads. And if you want a recommendation, I say Crossroads Health Center in Campbell is the place to go :)

I've also started practicing guitar. Kinda. Shiva has let me borrow her mini guitar, which gets out of tune really quickly haha. I also have trouble keeping it in place on my lap. I think I may take Vivi's old guitar after all just so I can hold it more easily. But for now, I'm practicing on the mini guitar. It's adorable. I started on Saturday. I'm using lessons from YouTuber Justin (what was his last name?). I'm practicing three chords. D, A, and E. When I get those three without as much duress as I do now, I'll move onto C and G. My left forearm and shoulder get sore, but I'm probably just tensing my arm too much while reaching the correct strings. It's so difficult >.< because I'm either leaning on another string with my finger or I'm not pressing hard enough. Adjusting one finger usually means I misalign another finger on a string. Blah. I will get this! And my arm will stop tensing as much and maybe even get stronger :D But yes, guitar is fun. Yay for a real hobby! Mother approves of it because she thinks that means I won't leave the house as often. Like I'm only going to leave my house once a month XP

I'm going to SF Pride this weekend with Matt C, Nick C, and Vivi N. That's going to be fun. I'm planning to meet up with quite a few people :) Matt and Nick will go to GaMeBoi Saturday night, whereas Vivi and I will chill with her SF friend and probably attend the Pink Party. I've only been to Pride once. And that was on a Sunday in 2009 with Brian and Trung (I miss those two, but it seems like Brian is ignoring me on Facebook). I'm excited to be going again, and this time it's with college friends. I don't know what to expect this weekend, but I hope it will be full of wonderful :) Haha maybe I'll wear my rainbow lei and wristband this weekend.

I've been reading Dracula by Bram Stoker. Didn't think I was going to understand the novel too well, but I actually do haha. And I'm enjoying it greatly. I have less than a hundred pages left ): I'm partially rooting for Dracula just because he's an intelligent vampire and the main characters did something really stupid (and sexist). Totally saw the new challenge to the characters coming as soon as they made that one decision. Alas, what is to be expected of those living in a patriarchal world?

Oh yeah. I've also been applying for jobs. But that's probably obvious from one of my recent posts. Maybe looking into my friend connections to find a job. We'll see how things pan out.


Hmm, what else? I can't think of much. I'm probably getting a haircut on Wednesday with Matt. I'm gonna see if I can get the hair-person to cut my hair shorter than last time <.< Even if it makes me look like a boy XP

I always feel like I have so much to say at the beginning of a blog post. As I'm writing, I forget what I wanted to write about and feel like I'm just blabbering on to fill the endless space. But that's what a lot of us do, isn't it? Takes me back to the thought that conversations are really just meaningless sequences of phrases that just happen to make sense together. Or not.

Why does hair matter so much?

So ever since I got my haircut, my mom has been on my case more than usual :( She's finding every little excuse to yell at me.. Hair is not that important. It doesn't determine who I am. She thinks I'm doing illegal crap because the hair is a sign.

I don't know why she keeps doing this to me. She keeps telling me that I'm going to grow my hair out again. I can't choose my own haircuts anymore. I just wanted to try something different, and this was different. My friends like it. I like it. My mom and generally the older generation don' t like it.

I'm debating about whether I should keep the cut or just go back to how it used to be. I like my fauxhawk. I wasn't seriously considering keeping it until I saw it. But now, if I keep it, my mom's gonna keep giving me shit about really stupid things. Well, more than she used to. I should just grow it out so she'll stop yelling at me so much.. :( I hate it when she yells at me, especially when it's unwarranted. She could be nice about it. Instead, she's blaming me for nothing. What the hell is she blaming me for? I haven't done anything wrong. She's the one who's yelling about stupid things.

I want to do what I want to do. When I do something, especially something new, I always consider her feelings. When she does something, she doesn't consider how shit affects me or my brother. She's not always thinking of us. She loves us, but she doesn't always know what's best for us. I wish she'd stop acting like she did.

We're supposed to make our own mistakes to learn. If she keeps trying to prevent our mistakes, we'll rely on her less, ignore her more, and never learn. I wish she would see that. Every time I think she does, she just goes back to her old habits because it's easier for her. It's never easy for me.

Ahh, this is just a haircut. Why should people's sympathies matter? Why would their sympathies change when they see my hair? If they change, then I guess those people are judgemental people that don't give others a chance. First impressions aren't everything, especially when you don't even meet the person. My friends know I'm the same person. Why won't my mom see that too?

She's always complaining about how I'm always home, doing nothing and not making any of my own decisions. I make a small decision about something quite unimportant, and it's the end of the world for my mom :( Her only reaction is to berate, scold, and threaten me with "bad" consequences (mostly social things that I obviously don't care for).

Besides, I wanted to make a different decision about my hair. She's got to decide my hairstyle ever since I was born, except twice: Junior year when I grew out my hair, but even then she kept making me get my hair "trimmed." It was more like grow my hair to my shoulders and keep it at that length. I got so frustrated because my hair could've gotten as long as to reach the middle of my back. It never got to because she kept overriding my wishes. How's that fair? :/

The second time is this time. Yeah, I can understand that she's not happy because it's pretty radical. It's rather unorthodox even in this time. But I wanted to try. Just to see. You can't judge something until you've seen/felt/experienced it. I can't understand how she can be angry that I "defied" her. My decision, not hers. My hair, not hers. I'm fuckin' 18. I need a little liberty with my life.

She doesn't care that I like it. She doesn't like it, so I can't keep the style. Some respect. There's no respect. I said this before in my old LJ: I can't respect people who don't respect me. I don't think I've ever really respected my mom.

I love her, sure. She's my mom. I'm supposed to love her, yeah? I think that's dumb. You shouldn't have to love people just because you're connected by blood. Blood doesn't really mean too much. It seems to because we give it that importance. But blood is blood, a red sticky substance that helps to keep you alive. I shouldn't have to love my family because we're related.

I should love people because they deserve my love. I should respect people who deserve my respect. And I believe respect should be mutual, not one-sided.

My mom takes care of me, sure. But she shows no respect for me. She doesn't even know me anymore. She doesn't pay attention to how I feel or what I say or want. She's already told me that she won't listen if what I say doesn't please her. So I know she never really listens. Most things I say never please her, unless I'm trying to get her to like my friends (I talk about my "smart" friends).

Sometimes, I don't feel like I'm her daughter. Sometimes, I feel like I'm her employee. I don't get paid. I'm just supposed to do what she wants me to do (and repay her with my deference when I'm older). And I've done that for most of my life. But I can't stay her little employee forever. I'm so stuck under her. I'm dependent. I can't think for myself. I used to try, but she'd disagree with something and yell at me. I stopped trying to think for myself. I suppose that may be why I have trouble making my own decisions. I'm always I'll choose the wrong thing for my mom.

Gah, I want to move out. I can't live with my mom. She won't let me do my own thing. She complains that I get to do too much already. Yeah, compared to her living in Viet Nam when she was younger. Obviously, the values and customs of Vietnamese people and those of Americans are different. Here, we value independent thinking and growing, not controlled thinking and growth. She wants me to grow but by her standards, not my own.

And I can't break myself from that. My friends suggest that I should just do what I do, but I can't. I'm still stuck on trying to make my mom happy. I do the wrong thing, and everything becomes my fault. Everything I do becomes a good excuse to blame me. I gave her enough reason with this haircut. I don't want her to keep yelling at me. I don't want to go to bed crying every night anymore.

I think I'll just grow out my hair like she wants. One fewer things to get blamed for. I don't need to stress about this, about my hair. It's just hair. One decision I don't need to make.

As long as my hair stays the way it is, she's going to keep putting me down. I hope my hair grows out fast, so she can just shut up about it.

Ugh, I have no willpower. I don't want to argue with her. I don't argue with her. I just shut up. Why can't she take the hint and shut up too? The conversation's over, but she's still bringing it up every time she sees me. I'm going to dread talking to her and even seeing her now, until my hair is "back to normal."

So much for trying something new and different. It's making me miserable.

Today, I got a haircut.

Yay for New Year's resolution #12.

I went to my brother's friend's salon near SJSU. 2 o'clock appointment with Linh. Cool dude haha.

I got a fauxhawk. I think it looks pretty good. It's so weird though because I've never really strayed from my usual haircut. I was so afraid it would turn out bad. If it's bad, well it's not too bad, imo. The wind kinda messed it up though. Hopefully, I can get it to look good tomorrow haha.

And my mom freaked out, saying I look like a gangster -__- She complains about me never making my own decisions. And when I make a small decision she doesn't agree with, she gets angry at me. How can I have any autonomy if all she ever does is reprimand me? Stupid.

Anyway, whatever. I don't care. I just wanted to try something different. It's not too different. I just have to pay attention to my hair more now haha. We'll see if I keep it. I don't know yet. My mom wants to make me grow it back out to the usual do. Grr, I need to get out, get away.

Hmm, what else?

Oh yeah, I'm such a bad student. Procrastinating like hell. Now I have to try to do 2 essays tonight. I'll probably only get one done though. Whatever.

Mm, that's it. I just wanted to document a day where I did something rather radical by my standards. Err well, mother's standards.