Why does hair matter so much?

So ever since I got my haircut, my mom has been on my case more than usual :( She's finding every little excuse to yell at me.. Hair is not that important. It doesn't determine who I am. She thinks I'm doing illegal crap because the hair is a sign.

I don't know why she keeps doing this to me. She keeps telling me that I'm going to grow my hair out again. I can't choose my own haircuts anymore. I just wanted to try something different, and this was different. My friends like it. I like it. My mom and generally the older generation don' t like it.

I'm debating about whether I should keep the cut or just go back to how it used to be. I like my fauxhawk. I wasn't seriously considering keeping it until I saw it. But now, if I keep it, my mom's gonna keep giving me shit about really stupid things. Well, more than she used to. I should just grow it out so she'll stop yelling at me so much.. :( I hate it when she yells at me, especially when it's unwarranted. She could be nice about it. Instead, she's blaming me for nothing. What the hell is she blaming me for? I haven't done anything wrong. She's the one who's yelling about stupid things.

I want to do what I want to do. When I do something, especially something new, I always consider her feelings. When she does something, she doesn't consider how shit affects me or my brother. She's not always thinking of us. She loves us, but she doesn't always know what's best for us. I wish she'd stop acting like she did.

We're supposed to make our own mistakes to learn. If she keeps trying to prevent our mistakes, we'll rely on her less, ignore her more, and never learn. I wish she would see that. Every time I think she does, she just goes back to her old habits because it's easier for her. It's never easy for me.

Ahh, this is just a haircut. Why should people's sympathies matter? Why would their sympathies change when they see my hair? If they change, then I guess those people are judgemental people that don't give others a chance. First impressions aren't everything, especially when you don't even meet the person. My friends know I'm the same person. Why won't my mom see that too?

She's always complaining about how I'm always home, doing nothing and not making any of my own decisions. I make a small decision about something quite unimportant, and it's the end of the world for my mom :( Her only reaction is to berate, scold, and threaten me with "bad" consequences (mostly social things that I obviously don't care for).

Besides, I wanted to make a different decision about my hair. She's got to decide my hairstyle ever since I was born, except twice: Junior year when I grew out my hair, but even then she kept making me get my hair "trimmed." It was more like grow my hair to my shoulders and keep it at that length. I got so frustrated because my hair could've gotten as long as to reach the middle of my back. It never got to because she kept overriding my wishes. How's that fair? :/

The second time is this time. Yeah, I can understand that she's not happy because it's pretty radical. It's rather unorthodox even in this time. But I wanted to try. Just to see. You can't judge something until you've seen/felt/experienced it. I can't understand how she can be angry that I "defied" her. My decision, not hers. My hair, not hers. I'm fuckin' 18. I need a little liberty with my life.

She doesn't care that I like it. She doesn't like it, so I can't keep the style. Some respect. There's no respect. I said this before in my old LJ: I can't respect people who don't respect me. I don't think I've ever really respected my mom.

I love her, sure. She's my mom. I'm supposed to love her, yeah? I think that's dumb. You shouldn't have to love people just because you're connected by blood. Blood doesn't really mean too much. It seems to because we give it that importance. But blood is blood, a red sticky substance that helps to keep you alive. I shouldn't have to love my family because we're related.

I should love people because they deserve my love. I should respect people who deserve my respect. And I believe respect should be mutual, not one-sided.

My mom takes care of me, sure. But she shows no respect for me. She doesn't even know me anymore. She doesn't pay attention to how I feel or what I say or want. She's already told me that she won't listen if what I say doesn't please her. So I know she never really listens. Most things I say never please her, unless I'm trying to get her to like my friends (I talk about my "smart" friends).

Sometimes, I don't feel like I'm her daughter. Sometimes, I feel like I'm her employee. I don't get paid. I'm just supposed to do what she wants me to do (and repay her with my deference when I'm older). And I've done that for most of my life. But I can't stay her little employee forever. I'm so stuck under her. I'm dependent. I can't think for myself. I used to try, but she'd disagree with something and yell at me. I stopped trying to think for myself. I suppose that may be why I have trouble making my own decisions. I'm always I'll choose the wrong thing for my mom.

Gah, I want to move out. I can't live with my mom. She won't let me do my own thing. She complains that I get to do too much already. Yeah, compared to her living in Viet Nam when she was younger. Obviously, the values and customs of Vietnamese people and those of Americans are different. Here, we value independent thinking and growing, not controlled thinking and growth. She wants me to grow but by her standards, not my own.

And I can't break myself from that. My friends suggest that I should just do what I do, but I can't. I'm still stuck on trying to make my mom happy. I do the wrong thing, and everything becomes my fault. Everything I do becomes a good excuse to blame me. I gave her enough reason with this haircut. I don't want her to keep yelling at me. I don't want to go to bed crying every night anymore.

I think I'll just grow out my hair like she wants. One fewer things to get blamed for. I don't need to stress about this, about my hair. It's just hair. One decision I don't need to make.

As long as my hair stays the way it is, she's going to keep putting me down. I hope my hair grows out fast, so she can just shut up about it.

Ugh, I have no willpower. I don't want to argue with her. I don't argue with her. I just shut up. Why can't she take the hint and shut up too? The conversation's over, but she's still bringing it up every time she sees me. I'm going to dread talking to her and even seeing her now, until my hair is "back to normal."

So much for trying something new and different. It's making me miserable.