I need help, but I don't want help.

I have a lot of trouble asking for help. Especially in school. Especially with math or English. I've never really felt comfortable with asking for help. It makes me feel like I'm inadequate. It's a feeling that I try to avoid as much as I can (lazily). I want to do things on my own, just so I know I'm not completely useless. And if I fail, it's because I didn't get the proper knowledge. It can't be all my fault.

But I know it's always my fault. I'm the one who chooses to not get help and therefore limit my abilities. I know. I'm just stuck with the "never try, never fail" mindset.

I handicap myself.

Never try, never fail. I'm sure some people consider that to be a failure within itself. I'm not sure I agree, but what does it really matter? I don't want to fail. The possibility of failure is probably the reason why I don't "live life to the fullest." I can think about doing that all I want, but it's not going to happen any time soon. I'm not giving myself the chance. Why won't I just take a chance?


So I'm in college. Many of my friends are in college. Many of them are living outside of San Jose. Obviously, less family influence and more, new friendships. New hobbies and whatnot. A few people have become dancers and/or joined dance crews. Some started during high school; others in college. I've gotten used to Ariane performing. Now, I'm getting used to the thought of Alex D, Kat, Brian, and possibly more friends seriously dancing/breaking. I don't know. It's just new to me.

In high school, I kinda felt like many of us didn't do too much, aside from school stuff. Now, they do more. I'm still same old, same old.

I don't remember where this was going. Just want to say I'm proud of my friends and I wish I could have been there. I guess I just feel left behind..


I need to get lost in something. I need to get lost. I am lost. Ahh. I'm losing my words.

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