If a partner can bring up the topic of monamory into a polyamorous relationship, then a partner can bring up polyamory in a monamorous relationship. Just saying. I feel like virtually no topic should be off-limits or taboo, in any good relationship.
There are no ethical or moral issues with polyamory or monamory themselves. The ethical issues lie within how the relationships themselves are constructed and maintained by the people involved.
I have to admit I was never big on the idea of dating or loving more than one person at a time. I always thought of it as cheating, "sanctioned cheating." And back then, my definition of cheating was really narrow.
But the past few years of meeting and getting to know different people and learning about new perspectives has opened me up to a lot of things, polyamory being one of them. It is not cheating. It is not inherently selfish. It requires a lot of honesty, thoughtfulness, and communication between partners and non-partners, whether it be direct.
I've become much more open-minded to the possibilities of non-monamorous relationships. Not saying I would definitely jump into anything; but I won't knock something if I haven't tried it.
People are constantly getting into arguments about whether people should be mono or poly and how to do so properly. I think these arguments can be healthy, but most of the time they're just vitriolic and full of shaming. Everyone has their own idea of how love should work. Except love rarely works how we think it should. And we learn this through experience.
Most people, who have been in relationships, have been in monamorous ones. Fewer people have been in poly. It's safe to say the number of successful poly relationships is smaller than successful mono relationships, and it's not because poly can't work. Every "failed" relationship ends for different reasons.
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I don't remember the purpose of this post haha...
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Personally, I have no strong feelings about poly relationships. I've learned to see them as I see any other relationship. Like, some folks only have one best friend, and others have multiple best friends. Sometimes, the multiple best friends are best friends with each other. Other times, they're not; they might be non-best friends with each other, or they might not have ever met each other. I generally don't love any of my friends less than I love others; I might just love them a little differently and share different parts of me with them.
I imagine poly relationships work similarly. But every relationship is unique, despite how much it may resemble another relationship.
I find myself, as I have for most of my life, to be more inclined toward monamorous relationships. It's difficult for me to be interested in more than one person at a time. Except it has happened. This past year. As I noted in another post. So it's not unfathomable to me anymore. I think I'm honestly open to the idea. Would I actively pursue it? Probably not. But I wouldn't shut it down without giving it any thought. But it would also depend on the person(s) I'm interested in.
If I did attempt to participate in a poly relationship, it wouldn't necessarily mean that I would always want a poly relationship. Nor would it mean that I would never want one again if that relationship failed. It really just depends. On a bunch of variables: the people involved, the timing, our schedules, our mindsets, our values, our communication skills, etc. The circumstances are always going to be different and always changing, even within any given relationship.
That is also why I think it's bullshit when someone blames their partner for "changing the relationship" or "changing the rules." People change. Beliefs and values change. Relationships should adapt to accommodate whatever changes can be accommodated. That's why we should always communicate openly and honestly. When somethings comes up, we should work with our partners to address the issue and try to resolve it. Otherwise, the relationship won't get very far.
And any relationship that doesn't change, grow, and adapt over time could (but not necessarily) become stagnant.
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Lost my train of thought again...
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I think this extremely simplified version of my every-changing life philosophy pretty much applies to how I want to approach relationships (and everything else in my life):
Do you; find or make your own happiness.
Follow the Golden Rule; making your own happiness shouldn't damage other people.
If you do damage, hold yourself accountable.
Give without expectations of return; I like to be pleasantly surprised.
Fight for a resolution not a victory.
Love how and whom you love; don't regret love.
Whether I do these in a monamorous or polyamorous relationship, I hope the people in my life can understand where I'm coming from and support me.
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This post is not what I initially intended. But I really don't remember where I was taking this. I suppose I'm just trying to be open-minded, and I hope I meet people who are just as open-minded and willing to learn and explore. At least open to discussions. I want to at least talk about it, even if I'm not seriously considering it.
I'm big on the whole "anything can happen" perspective. I don't want to limit anything just because I'm unfamiliar. I'll discover my limits as they appear rather than setting them before anything can happen. Of course, I say this, but who knows if I can practice what I preach? Haha :P
Monday, December 28, 2015
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Shaming Is Educating
I don't like to shame people. I've never been a fan of shaming people. I apologize if I have ever done that to you, but it was not my intention. I might have called you out on something because I wanted you to learn about that something. Unfortunately, I don't always know how to introduce a lesson. So I probably came off as a parent who doesn't know how to raise their kids respectfully and calmly without using fear tactics, or negative reinforcements.
I'm still learning.
I think shaming is the worse way to educate anyone. To change anyone's mind.
No doubt that it can be effective. Quickly effective. If we want quick and easy results, shame is the way to go. But really, I don't think those are the results we actually want.
On the surface, the person shamed might do what we want them to do. But at the core of that person, do they really believe in what they're doing? Do they know why they're doing it? Sometimes, yes; sometimes, no.
If we choose to do or not do something out of fear or shame, have we really thought about the reasons why we do it? Have we come to our own moral conclusions, or have we only become the result of someone else's or society's operant conditioning?
I personally find it way better to have an informed conversation about a topic. Give the other person my perspective, give them options to consider, let them decide if they would want to adopt my perspective. Give them food for thought.
Yeah, it definitely is a slower process, and they might end up not adopting my perspective. That's fine. I don't want to change people; I just hope they can be open-minded and give themselves a chance to learn. And if there is room for change, that change is on them and is their own doing.
I prefer that we educate others and ourselves and learn through our empathy. When we choose to do or not do something out of empathy, it speaks more to our moral character.
Personally, what I think: If you do or do not do something, like harming another person, because you're afraid (of prison, society, God, or whatever punishment), you're not making a moral decision. If you do or do not do something because of the effect it would have on others, you are making a moral decision, and that says so much more about you as a human being than your fear or shame does.
Why you do what you choose to do, not what others make you choose, shows your character.
While I applaud boycotts and protests for their effect on change, I admire the change that comes from the respectful conversations even more. Boycotts and protests are effective on the larger scale; they create awareness and quicker changes on the macro level. It's the millions of small conversations between individuals that, in my opinion, create the longer-lasting and more potent changes on the micro level.
Why did I write this post? I'm tired of witnessing people spewing vitriol at celebrities for their very public, often misguided or ignorant actions. Yes, that includes the Kardashians. Celebrities get so much hate because they are in the public eye, as if they're not allowed to be as initially ignorant as any other human being. "Go educate yourself, [insert derogatory name here]. [Insert unnecessary accusations or inflammatory remarks here]" Instead of saying that, why not be the person to effectively educate them? At the least send them in the right direction. Attacking people usually isn't the best way to get someone to understand your perspective. It just makes it seem like your perspective isn't very understanding of others, which is the real problem in many situations in the first place.
But hey, this is just my perspective. I might not be seeing the whole picture myself. Which is usually my issue. I'm more of a micro thinker than a macro one :P
I'm still learning.
I think shaming is the worse way to educate anyone. To change anyone's mind.
No doubt that it can be effective. Quickly effective. If we want quick and easy results, shame is the way to go. But really, I don't think those are the results we actually want.
On the surface, the person shamed might do what we want them to do. But at the core of that person, do they really believe in what they're doing? Do they know why they're doing it? Sometimes, yes; sometimes, no.
If we choose to do or not do something out of fear or shame, have we really thought about the reasons why we do it? Have we come to our own moral conclusions, or have we only become the result of someone else's or society's operant conditioning?
I personally find it way better to have an informed conversation about a topic. Give the other person my perspective, give them options to consider, let them decide if they would want to adopt my perspective. Give them food for thought.
Yeah, it definitely is a slower process, and they might end up not adopting my perspective. That's fine. I don't want to change people; I just hope they can be open-minded and give themselves a chance to learn. And if there is room for change, that change is on them and is their own doing.
I prefer that we educate others and ourselves and learn through our empathy. When we choose to do or not do something out of empathy, it speaks more to our moral character.
Personally, what I think: If you do or do not do something, like harming another person, because you're afraid (of prison, society, God, or whatever punishment), you're not making a moral decision. If you do or do not do something because of the effect it would have on others, you are making a moral decision, and that says so much more about you as a human being than your fear or shame does.
Why you do what you choose to do, not what others make you choose, shows your character.
While I applaud boycotts and protests for their effect on change, I admire the change that comes from the respectful conversations even more. Boycotts and protests are effective on the larger scale; they create awareness and quicker changes on the macro level. It's the millions of small conversations between individuals that, in my opinion, create the longer-lasting and more potent changes on the micro level.
Why did I write this post? I'm tired of witnessing people spewing vitriol at celebrities for their very public, often misguided or ignorant actions. Yes, that includes the Kardashians. Celebrities get so much hate because they are in the public eye, as if they're not allowed to be as initially ignorant as any other human being. "Go educate yourself, [insert derogatory name here]. [Insert unnecessary accusations or inflammatory remarks here]" Instead of saying that, why not be the person to effectively educate them? At the least send them in the right direction. Attacking people usually isn't the best way to get someone to understand your perspective. It just makes it seem like your perspective isn't very understanding of others, which is the real problem in many situations in the first place.
But hey, this is just my perspective. I might not be seeing the whole picture myself. Which is usually my issue. I'm more of a micro thinker than a macro one :P
Thursday, December 3, 2015
So Offensive
Too easily offended? Yeah, I think, as a society, we always have been. Or really just as people. Anyone could get offended by anything. People from different nations or cultures can offend each other. People who live a block apart can offend each other. Sometimes, it's genuinely monumental disrespect. Other times, it's such petty bullshit.
I personally don't even consistently get offended by the same things haha. But I am becoming consistently more aware and mindful of other people. Or trying to.
Words are abstract and neutral. Words alone do not do anything. They are inert non-things haha. We assign meaning to them, usually as a collective.
The intentions behind the words we use are abstract as well, but they make an impact on people. The intentions, or even the perceived intentions, are provocative.
I think we just need to pay attention to how we affect the people around us. Don't walk on eggshells. But be mindful of your own impact. If others' little off comments can affect you, yours can do the same.
People's small comments greatly changed me when I was younger. They still do, but I try to be more deliberate in my changes now.
There's this whole big thing about over-sensitivity, trigger warnings, and millennials being easily offended "pussies."
Generally speaking, while I think it's good that we are becoming more aware of others' sensitivities and feelings, I also think we are becoming more prone to overreacting to many things. There are so many different situations with varying circumstances that even my blanket statement really doesn't mean much.
I was going to go into all these arguments I've heard lately because I think most people are making good points. Even if they are being assholes because they don't care about the person they're arguing with. Which makes me wonder why they're arguing with the person in the first place.
But anyway, I think I'll just end this post with the following:
I will show people as much respect as I feel they deserve from me. If they are offended by anything I say, I will react accordingly. By accordingly, I mean it really just depends on the situation. I don't know if I would apologize, especially if I haven't actually done anything other than share an opinion whether fact-based or not. Though, I'm hoping most of my opinions are backed up by facts or my own experience. But who knows? I could be a terrible person making shit up haha.
[This post is all over the place... I just want to say everyone should do what they want. If we're not hurting anyone, let us be. Likewise, if someone is offended, let them be offended. Who are we to tell someone they shouldn't be? But I'm sure this falls on deaf ears anyway because someone will always want to win the war on whatever this issue is.]
I personally don't even consistently get offended by the same things haha. But I am becoming consistently more aware and mindful of other people. Or trying to.
Words are abstract and neutral. Words alone do not do anything. They are inert non-things haha. We assign meaning to them, usually as a collective.
The intentions behind the words we use are abstract as well, but they make an impact on people. The intentions, or even the perceived intentions, are provocative.
I think we just need to pay attention to how we affect the people around us. Don't walk on eggshells. But be mindful of your own impact. If others' little off comments can affect you, yours can do the same.
People's small comments greatly changed me when I was younger. They still do, but I try to be more deliberate in my changes now.
There's this whole big thing about over-sensitivity, trigger warnings, and millennials being easily offended "pussies."
Generally speaking, while I think it's good that we are becoming more aware of others' sensitivities and feelings, I also think we are becoming more prone to overreacting to many things. There are so many different situations with varying circumstances that even my blanket statement really doesn't mean much.
I was going to go into all these arguments I've heard lately because I think most people are making good points. Even if they are being assholes because they don't care about the person they're arguing with. Which makes me wonder why they're arguing with the person in the first place.
But anyway, I think I'll just end this post with the following:
I will show people as much respect as I feel they deserve from me. If they are offended by anything I say, I will react accordingly. By accordingly, I mean it really just depends on the situation. I don't know if I would apologize, especially if I haven't actually done anything other than share an opinion whether fact-based or not. Though, I'm hoping most of my opinions are backed up by facts or my own experience. But who knows? I could be a terrible person making shit up haha.
[This post is all over the place... I just want to say everyone should do what they want. If we're not hurting anyone, let us be. Likewise, if someone is offended, let them be offended. Who are we to tell someone they shouldn't be? But I'm sure this falls on deaf ears anyway because someone will always want to win the war on whatever this issue is.]
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