2018 went by so fast. I feel like I only just started 2018 a couple of months ago, but a lot has happened this year.
----
Usually, around this time of year, I like to look back on the events of the current year and make plans for the next, occasionally waxing poetic about changes. This time is no different haha.
2018 was a personally fulfilling year. I did things I wanted to do, whether on the spur of the moment or as part of a planned bucket list activity.
+Donated peripheral blood stem cells (Feb)
+Started my Invisalign adjustments (Mar)
+Attended Seven Lions’ Chronicles Chapter 1 in Seattle (May)
+Left a $100 tip on a cheaper meal (May)
+Attended my 10-year high school reunion (Jun)
+Donated my hair after growing it out for nearly 3 years (Aug)
+Visited Colorado and attended Illenium’s show at Red Rocks (Aug)
+Walked through a corn maze (Sep)
+Went skydiving (Nov)
+Went axe-throwing (Nov)
I spent a lot of money (14+ shows, Audiotistic, 2 Dreamstates, and EDC LV) because I decided to forego a reasonable budget. But because of all these fun adventures, all my lovely friends, and some calculated personal changes, I was able to get myself into a better mental space. The splurging was a way for me to take a break from reality and to reward myself for doing better.
2017 and the beginning of 2018 had me struggling through a lot of depressive and anxiety-ridden episodes; I sometimes wondered if I would make it to the end of the year. However, as this year progressed, I gradually turned my thoughts and worries around; I'm not super peppy or overly optimistic, but I feel more level-headed in my mental/emotional approach to my fears and worries. I definitely still have occasional setbacks, but they don't feel as oh-no-it's-the-end-of-the-world as they did at the beginning of 2018. The things that I can't seem to change, I've learned to accept; I'm always going to be an over-thinker, but consistently recognizing that what I think doesn't necessarily reflect reality has helped me maintain a grip on my sanity and perspective. Woo, progress!
----
I had planned to quit my job on my birthday, but I decided to stay after my employer offered to increase my pay a bit and move me to another team. I'm grateful to still have a job during the holidays. I'm still helping out my old team because of an abnormally large amount of work that came in; so I haven't really learned anything for my new team. To be honest, I haven't really felt motivated to learn new workflows. And the reasons that made me want to leave in the first place are still there. I'm still putting out the best work I can and helping the team as much as I can, but I find myself feeling extremely apathetic about the job on most days.
----
Recently, I had developed a minor crush on a guy. It's been an interesting experience. We're getting to know each other better. We're friends. We've kissed.
At first, I didn't know what it meant because we didn't really talk about it. We're friends, but we're physically and intellectually attracted to each other; overall, this is the most attracted I've felt toward any guy in my life. I wasn't sure if the emotional attraction was or would ever be there. I said as much; he concurred.
In my weird mistrust of people's words, I thought he was playing games and really could be interested in a romantic relationship. It worried me because I don't like the imbalance of feelings in any relationship. So I worried myself, wondering, "Could I be emotionally attracted to him? Emotionally attracted to a man? If I could, what would be so bad about that?" Other people's opinions... I think my mom would feel relief, which bothers me because of the I-told-you-you're-not-really-gay aspect of it. I'm also uncertain of how my queer friends would take it. Hopefully not bad because I've always said I wanted to be open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to and falling in love with a man. And I am open to it. I came to that conclusion after some major self-reflection.
I let him know what I was thinking. He said we can just be friends. (What he says is what he means, which I'm learning to trust and take at face value. Typically, some guys, who said they only wanted friendship, were really hoping for more, which put a weird strain on our friendships.) I was disappointed by his response but not as much as I thought I would be. Probably because of the lack of emotional connection haha; he's not a very emotional person, whereas I am; he's more of a let-it-go person, whereas I'm not. So it works out. I'm over it now.
We're still friends. We're still physically attracted to each other. We've set our boundaries.
----
I'm going to ring in the new year at Kaskade's show in SF with Matt and his new boyfriend, Khai. I don't think any of our other close friends will be there; they're either keeping it low-key or going to another NYE event. This will be a different experience. I've always gone to NYE events with people who were there with me. I know Matt and Khai will be there, but I don't know if it will be quite the same with my third-wheel status haha. I know I'll have fun no matter what though; so it doesn't really matter.
----
I don’t have many plans for 2019 yet, and the few I have are tentative as always. I’m also gonna set another EDM ticket budget, and I won't scrap it this time.
Shows and Festivals:
+Wobbleland - SF
+Gryffin - SF
+Excision - SF
+EDC LV of course
Other:
+Finish my Invisalign adjustments sometime in March
+Bucket list: Go to a range and shoot something. (I've put this off for so long.)
+Bucket list: Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. (I've also put this off for too long.)
+LASIK
-I bought a camping package for Electric Forest 2019; however, I’m going to sell it to put that money toward the LASIK and/or family instead. (The brother is out of a job; so I feel weird trying to plan multiple expensive vacations while he's struggling.)
+Attend a different, cheaper, and closer music festival instead
+Skydive again, hopefully without glasses this time
+New tattoo
+Camping with friends
+Visit at least one new place; haven't decided where yet
----
I'm always thinking about change. About how I really want it, about how I strongly want to avoid it, about how it's necessary for life.
But at this point, I don't know what changes I want to make. I think the best I can do are the physical changes (i.e. Invisalign, LASIK, wardrobe). The mental changes are harder because I don't know what needs to improve. My self-image is better than ever; not great, but better than it has been.
I think getting a new job will probably become a priority for this year. I've been on my team for 3.5 years now, and I don't feel much like a valued employee. I mean I am still here and got a small pay raise, but watching most of my coworkers get laid off and be replaced by new hires through a different agency left a terrible taste in my mouth. And the coworkers that are still around are slowly getting jobs elsewhere and leaving. I don't want to be the last one here. I don't want to lose that sense of family that we had all built together. But it's happening. I feel like we're all just hanging on to the last bit of family we have on this project until we can find a new workplace to call home.
Anyway, change is always happening, whether we're aware of it. I guess I just need to take charge of the changes in my life as much as I can.
----
2018 has been a good and weird year. Not my favorite, but it was an enjoyable learning experience.
Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Variable Attraction
Sometimes, I think I see a trend in the kinds of people I find myself attracted to. Other times, I just think to myself, "Wtf? Why do I find them attractive?" or "Why don't I find them attractive?" (Granted, personality is major factor in my overall attraction to someone.)
I've always been attracted to feminine ciswomen and masculine cismen. There was never really any attraction to gender-nonconforming cis people or transfolks. It's been like that for most of my life. Especially with femme, blonde ciswomen.
But I've noticed recently, in the past year or so, that I'm finding myself more and more attracted to gender-nonconforming folks. Mainly androgynous or masculine-presenting ciswomen.
It's weird to me because I don't see myself as feminine or masculine. But I know I lean more toward masculine. Or at least I used to. But yeah, I just never found it attractive before, possibly because I saw myself that way. But now, I think after experiencing life and getting to know people, I've opened myself up to more possibilities?
Maybe I'm coming to the realization that I'm just attracted to people who are comfortable in their skin and aren't assholes about it :) haha.
I think it's also going hand in hand with me becoming more comfortable with my gender expression. I mean, I've been relatively comfortable with it. I still don't really know if I see myself as feminine, masculine, androgynous, or what. I'm trying not to focus on that too much. I'm trying to focus instead on just feeling comfortable in my expression, via clothing, hair, etc.
I think because I don't know how to describe myself and I don't feel like I quite fit into boxes perfectly, people won't find me attractive. Maybe that deterred me from finding certain people attractive. Because I don't think I'm their type; so give up and ignore before trying?
Blah. Must focus on myself. Be happy with myself. Finding people who are happy with who I am and how I express myself will be secondary.
Navigating happiness, insecurities, self-love, and self-esteem issues is hard. But I suppose this will be worth it in the end.
I've always been attracted to feminine ciswomen and masculine cismen. There was never really any attraction to gender-nonconforming cis people or transfolks. It's been like that for most of my life. Especially with femme, blonde ciswomen.
But I've noticed recently, in the past year or so, that I'm finding myself more and more attracted to gender-nonconforming folks. Mainly androgynous or masculine-presenting ciswomen.
It's weird to me because I don't see myself as feminine or masculine. But I know I lean more toward masculine. Or at least I used to. But yeah, I just never found it attractive before, possibly because I saw myself that way. But now, I think after experiencing life and getting to know people, I've opened myself up to more possibilities?
Maybe I'm coming to the realization that I'm just attracted to people who are comfortable in their skin and aren't assholes about it :) haha.
I think it's also going hand in hand with me becoming more comfortable with my gender expression. I mean, I've been relatively comfortable with it. I still don't really know if I see myself as feminine, masculine, androgynous, or what. I'm trying not to focus on that too much. I'm trying to focus instead on just feeling comfortable in my expression, via clothing, hair, etc.
I think because I don't know how to describe myself and I don't feel like I quite fit into boxes perfectly, people won't find me attractive. Maybe that deterred me from finding certain people attractive. Because I don't think I'm their type; so give up and ignore before trying?
Blah. Must focus on myself. Be happy with myself. Finding people who are happy with who I am and how I express myself will be secondary.
Navigating happiness, insecurities, self-love, and self-esteem issues is hard. But I suppose this will be worth it in the end.
Monday, December 28, 2015
Poly + Mono
If a partner can bring up the topic of monamory into a polyamorous relationship, then a partner can bring up polyamory in a monamorous relationship. Just saying. I feel like virtually no topic should be off-limits or taboo, in any good relationship.
There are no ethical or moral issues with polyamory or monamory themselves. The ethical issues lie within how the relationships themselves are constructed and maintained by the people involved.
I have to admit I was never big on the idea of dating or loving more than one person at a time. I always thought of it as cheating, "sanctioned cheating." And back then, my definition of cheating was really narrow.
But the past few years of meeting and getting to know different people and learning about new perspectives has opened me up to a lot of things, polyamory being one of them. It is not cheating. It is not inherently selfish. It requires a lot of honesty, thoughtfulness, and communication between partners and non-partners, whether it be direct.
I've become much more open-minded to the possibilities of non-monamorous relationships. Not saying I would definitely jump into anything; but I won't knock something if I haven't tried it.
People are constantly getting into arguments about whether people should be mono or poly and how to do so properly. I think these arguments can be healthy, but most of the time they're just vitriolic and full of shaming. Everyone has their own idea of how love should work. Except love rarely works how we think it should. And we learn this through experience.
Most people, who have been in relationships, have been in monamorous ones. Fewer people have been in poly. It's safe to say the number of successful poly relationships is smaller than successful mono relationships, and it's not because poly can't work. Every "failed" relationship ends for different reasons.
----
I don't remember the purpose of this post haha...
----
Personally, I have no strong feelings about poly relationships. I've learned to see them as I see any other relationship. Like, some folks only have one best friend, and others have multiple best friends. Sometimes, the multiple best friends are best friends with each other. Other times, they're not; they might be non-best friends with each other, or they might not have ever met each other. I generally don't love any of my friends less than I love others; I might just love them a little differently and share different parts of me with them.
I imagine poly relationships work similarly. But every relationship is unique, despite how much it may resemble another relationship.
I find myself, as I have for most of my life, to be more inclined toward monamorous relationships. It's difficult for me to be interested in more than one person at a time. Except it has happened. This past year. As I noted in another post. So it's not unfathomable to me anymore. I think I'm honestly open to the idea. Would I actively pursue it? Probably not. But I wouldn't shut it down without giving it any thought. But it would also depend on the person(s) I'm interested in.
If I did attempt to participate in a poly relationship, it wouldn't necessarily mean that I would always want a poly relationship. Nor would it mean that I would never want one again if that relationship failed. It really just depends. On a bunch of variables: the people involved, the timing, our schedules, our mindsets, our values, our communication skills, etc. The circumstances are always going to be different and always changing, even within any given relationship.
That is also why I think it's bullshit when someone blames their partner for "changing the relationship" or "changing the rules." People change. Beliefs and values change. Relationships should adapt to accommodate whatever changes can be accommodated. That's why we should always communicate openly and honestly. When somethings comes up, we should work with our partners to address the issue and try to resolve it. Otherwise, the relationship won't get very far.
And any relationship that doesn't change, grow, and adapt over time could (but not necessarily) become stagnant.
----
Lost my train of thought again...
----
I think this extremely simplified version of my every-changing life philosophy pretty much applies to how I want to approach relationships (and everything else in my life):
Do you; find or make your own happiness.
Follow the Golden Rule; making your own happiness shouldn't damage other people.
If you do damage, hold yourself accountable.
Give without expectations of return; I like to be pleasantly surprised.
Fight for a resolution not a victory.
Love how and whom you love; don't regret love.
Whether I do these in a monamorous or polyamorous relationship, I hope the people in my life can understand where I'm coming from and support me.
----
This post is not what I initially intended. But I really don't remember where I was taking this. I suppose I'm just trying to be open-minded, and I hope I meet people who are just as open-minded and willing to learn and explore. At least open to discussions. I want to at least talk about it, even if I'm not seriously considering it.
I'm big on the whole "anything can happen" perspective. I don't want to limit anything just because I'm unfamiliar. I'll discover my limits as they appear rather than setting them before anything can happen. Of course, I say this, but who knows if I can practice what I preach? Haha :P
There are no ethical or moral issues with polyamory or monamory themselves. The ethical issues lie within how the relationships themselves are constructed and maintained by the people involved.
I have to admit I was never big on the idea of dating or loving more than one person at a time. I always thought of it as cheating, "sanctioned cheating." And back then, my definition of cheating was really narrow.
But the past few years of meeting and getting to know different people and learning about new perspectives has opened me up to a lot of things, polyamory being one of them. It is not cheating. It is not inherently selfish. It requires a lot of honesty, thoughtfulness, and communication between partners and non-partners, whether it be direct.
I've become much more open-minded to the possibilities of non-monamorous relationships. Not saying I would definitely jump into anything; but I won't knock something if I haven't tried it.
People are constantly getting into arguments about whether people should be mono or poly and how to do so properly. I think these arguments can be healthy, but most of the time they're just vitriolic and full of shaming. Everyone has their own idea of how love should work. Except love rarely works how we think it should. And we learn this through experience.
Most people, who have been in relationships, have been in monamorous ones. Fewer people have been in poly. It's safe to say the number of successful poly relationships is smaller than successful mono relationships, and it's not because poly can't work. Every "failed" relationship ends for different reasons.
----
I don't remember the purpose of this post haha...
----
Personally, I have no strong feelings about poly relationships. I've learned to see them as I see any other relationship. Like, some folks only have one best friend, and others have multiple best friends. Sometimes, the multiple best friends are best friends with each other. Other times, they're not; they might be non-best friends with each other, or they might not have ever met each other. I generally don't love any of my friends less than I love others; I might just love them a little differently and share different parts of me with them.
I imagine poly relationships work similarly. But every relationship is unique, despite how much it may resemble another relationship.
I find myself, as I have for most of my life, to be more inclined toward monamorous relationships. It's difficult for me to be interested in more than one person at a time. Except it has happened. This past year. As I noted in another post. So it's not unfathomable to me anymore. I think I'm honestly open to the idea. Would I actively pursue it? Probably not. But I wouldn't shut it down without giving it any thought. But it would also depend on the person(s) I'm interested in.
If I did attempt to participate in a poly relationship, it wouldn't necessarily mean that I would always want a poly relationship. Nor would it mean that I would never want one again if that relationship failed. It really just depends. On a bunch of variables: the people involved, the timing, our schedules, our mindsets, our values, our communication skills, etc. The circumstances are always going to be different and always changing, even within any given relationship.
That is also why I think it's bullshit when someone blames their partner for "changing the relationship" or "changing the rules." People change. Beliefs and values change. Relationships should adapt to accommodate whatever changes can be accommodated. That's why we should always communicate openly and honestly. When somethings comes up, we should work with our partners to address the issue and try to resolve it. Otherwise, the relationship won't get very far.
And any relationship that doesn't change, grow, and adapt over time could (but not necessarily) become stagnant.
----
Lost my train of thought again...
----
I think this extremely simplified version of my every-changing life philosophy pretty much applies to how I want to approach relationships (and everything else in my life):
Do you; find or make your own happiness.
Follow the Golden Rule; making your own happiness shouldn't damage other people.
If you do damage, hold yourself accountable.
Give without expectations of return; I like to be pleasantly surprised.
Fight for a resolution not a victory.
Love how and whom you love; don't regret love.
Whether I do these in a monamorous or polyamorous relationship, I hope the people in my life can understand where I'm coming from and support me.
----
This post is not what I initially intended. But I really don't remember where I was taking this. I suppose I'm just trying to be open-minded, and I hope I meet people who are just as open-minded and willing to learn and explore. At least open to discussions. I want to at least talk about it, even if I'm not seriously considering it.
I'm big on the whole "anything can happen" perspective. I don't want to limit anything just because I'm unfamiliar. I'll discover my limits as they appear rather than setting them before anything can happen. Of course, I say this, but who knows if I can practice what I preach? Haha :P
Friday, April 10, 2015
That alone-in-a-crowded-room feeling.
I have this new tendency to book a lot of fun events for myself and to forget that I can't be around people so often without breaks. Breaks of quiet. Breaks of solitude. Forcing my extroversion again, while ignoring my introvert needs.
I need to spend some time with myself. Outside. It has been months since the last time I did this. I've been surrounded by too many people for too long, as well as alone in the wrong environments for too long. Maybe this is why I haven't completely felt like my happy self in a while. Why I have felt disconnected, lonely, and out of place. I tend to only feel lonely when I'm interested in someone I can't have or when I'm surrounded by a lot of people. I currently find myself in both situations often haha.
Ugh. I need to take better care of myself, to stop running away, to refocus, and to find a new balance. If I could get myself back to how I felt in 2013, that would be great. Ideal.
Also, right now, I find myself somewhat enamored with two people, Cat and Amenda. It's strange to me. I tend to focus on one person and not notice anyone else. But this time, it's different. Funny thing is they're dating each other XD Yeah. They're both very attractive people. Their personalities make them even more attractive. Granted, I am very close friends with Cat now, and so my attraction to her is much stronger. I'm starting to get to know Amenda better; I have this feeling that my crush on her is going to grow, possibly to the level of attraction that I have to Cat. It's worrisome because I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll do something stupid.
I've been honest with Cat about this though. And I assume she tells Amenda everything. So yeah [shrug].
I've been thinking about this quite a bit. I'm conflicted. Not used to this more-than-one-girl interest haha. Also don't really wanna be feeling anything for anyone who's in a relationship. I normally shut people out of my life for a while to get over whatever feelings I may have for them. This time, I didn't do that with Cat. I'm trying to invest in our friendship, but that means I'm getting to know her better, which means my feelings get cemented a little more each time we talk. And I'm pretty that's starting to happen with Amenda... I'm playing a dangerous game with my emotions, knowing that nothing's coming out of this for me except for their friendships and my attachment.
Guess we'll see where this goes though... Hopefully nowhere bad haha. I just need to keep myself in check.
I need to spend some time with myself. Outside. It has been months since the last time I did this. I've been surrounded by too many people for too long, as well as alone in the wrong environments for too long. Maybe this is why I haven't completely felt like my happy self in a while. Why I have felt disconnected, lonely, and out of place. I tend to only feel lonely when I'm interested in someone I can't have or when I'm surrounded by a lot of people. I currently find myself in both situations often haha.
Ugh. I need to take better care of myself, to stop running away, to refocus, and to find a new balance. If I could get myself back to how I felt in 2013, that would be great. Ideal.
Also, right now, I find myself somewhat enamored with two people, Cat and Amenda. It's strange to me. I tend to focus on one person and not notice anyone else. But this time, it's different. Funny thing is they're dating each other XD Yeah. They're both very attractive people. Their personalities make them even more attractive. Granted, I am very close friends with Cat now, and so my attraction to her is much stronger. I'm starting to get to know Amenda better; I have this feeling that my crush on her is going to grow, possibly to the level of attraction that I have to Cat. It's worrisome because I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll do something stupid.
I've been honest with Cat about this though. And I assume she tells Amenda everything. So yeah [shrug].
I've been thinking about this quite a bit. I'm conflicted. Not used to this more-than-one-girl interest haha. Also don't really wanna be feeling anything for anyone who's in a relationship. I normally shut people out of my life for a while to get over whatever feelings I may have for them. This time, I didn't do that with Cat. I'm trying to invest in our friendship, but that means I'm getting to know her better, which means my feelings get cemented a little more each time we talk. And I'm pretty that's starting to happen with Amenda... I'm playing a dangerous game with my emotions, knowing that nothing's coming out of this for me except for their friendships and my attachment.
Guess we'll see where this goes though... Hopefully nowhere bad haha. I just need to keep myself in check.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Bisexual, Homoromantic
Thinking about things and recent conversations, I guess I'm really not as open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to men. Or I'm open to it, but I really don't think it could happen.
Physically, I'm attracted to both men and women. Though, I definitely find women more attractive most of the time.
Emotionally, I thought I was completely open to either gender. But I think I'm only saying that because I don't want to close off my opportunities with men, despite never really having experienced any attraction to or feelings for them that were as strong as the ones I've felt for women.
But I will be honest. The closest I've ever felt like that for a guy was only in recent years. And that was Matt C haha. He has a lot of qualities that I find attractive in a partner. But he's gay--if he was attracted to women, maybe I would have asked him out a long time ago. But I'm also thinking I probably feel this way about him because he is gay--it's safe to feel this way for him because I don't actually want him to reciprocate the feelings.
The idea of being emotionally attracted to a man doesn't really do much for me. Recently, I've found myself at least physically attracted to two different people, one male and one female, both of which I know somewhat equally well. I've been thinking about hypothetical situations.
Also, some probably irrelevant background: I'm so used to pursuing people. For several months, I had been thinking about putting that on pause. I recently decided that I'm going to not pursue anyone. At least not for a long while. I just need to let it all be. See if maybe life will let someone else's path cross mine and see if someone else will explore this new path. Instead of exploring a new one myself. I just want to see what happens if anything. Though, it's difficult to not pursue someone when I'm interested haha.
So back to the hypothetical situations:
I've been wondering, if the guy asked me out, whether I would say yes and explore that possibility. I would have to think about it.
What if the girl asked me out? Would I say yes to her? I would want to say yes to her without thinking.
If both asked me out, I think I would hold out for the girl.
I'm physically attracted to the guy, but I don't think I really want to give him a chance. I just don't see it happening. I'd just be wondering if I should just wait for a girl to come along.
Also, I really want to get to know and to pursue the girl, but I'm kinda super wary of rejection currently (and, like I said, just let things be). I haven't felt any urge to pursue the guy but maybe to get to know him better as a friend.
Ugh, my brain. My feelings. I hate them sometimes. I want to be open to saying yes to guys. But I just can't feel it happening. I want myself to say yes and just explore it. But I already know I won't find what I want. I'm quite sure, like 99% sure, that I will find what I want and need in another woman. (Obviously, if I ever happen to meet a man who just knocks all these questions out and fulfills me wholly as a person, then I would be happy with him. But right now, I'm sure I won't be meeting any guy like that.)
Anyway, I guess what this all leads to is the realization that I really can only see myself with a woman. The best way to describe myself now is bisexual and homoromantic haha. But queer still works too. My description of my sexuality doesn't actually change much though. For the past four or so years, I've been telling people that I find women much more attractive than men; that I'm pretty sure I'll end up with a woman, but I'm not averse to the idea of being with a man. Now, I just have to say I think I am a little averse. I really just haven't met many if any guys who really pull me in like women have.
Bisexual, homoromantic. Hmm. I guess I just have to come to terms with this. It's not a big deal, but it kinda still feels like one. Hmm.
Physically, I'm attracted to both men and women. Though, I definitely find women more attractive most of the time.
Emotionally, I thought I was completely open to either gender. But I think I'm only saying that because I don't want to close off my opportunities with men, despite never really having experienced any attraction to or feelings for them that were as strong as the ones I've felt for women.
But I will be honest. The closest I've ever felt like that for a guy was only in recent years. And that was Matt C haha. He has a lot of qualities that I find attractive in a partner. But he's gay--if he was attracted to women, maybe I would have asked him out a long time ago. But I'm also thinking I probably feel this way about him because he is gay--it's safe to feel this way for him because I don't actually want him to reciprocate the feelings.
The idea of being emotionally attracted to a man doesn't really do much for me. Recently, I've found myself at least physically attracted to two different people, one male and one female, both of which I know somewhat equally well. I've been thinking about hypothetical situations.
Also, some probably irrelevant background: I'm so used to pursuing people. For several months, I had been thinking about putting that on pause. I recently decided that I'm going to not pursue anyone. At least not for a long while. I just need to let it all be. See if maybe life will let someone else's path cross mine and see if someone else will explore this new path. Instead of exploring a new one myself. I just want to see what happens if anything. Though, it's difficult to not pursue someone when I'm interested haha.
So back to the hypothetical situations:
I've been wondering, if the guy asked me out, whether I would say yes and explore that possibility. I would have to think about it.
What if the girl asked me out? Would I say yes to her? I would want to say yes to her without thinking.
If both asked me out, I think I would hold out for the girl.
I'm physically attracted to the guy, but I don't think I really want to give him a chance. I just don't see it happening. I'd just be wondering if I should just wait for a girl to come along.
Also, I really want to get to know and to pursue the girl, but I'm kinda super wary of rejection currently (and, like I said, just let things be). I haven't felt any urge to pursue the guy but maybe to get to know him better as a friend.
Ugh, my brain. My feelings. I hate them sometimes. I want to be open to saying yes to guys. But I just can't feel it happening. I want myself to say yes and just explore it. But I already know I won't find what I want. I'm quite sure, like 99% sure, that I will find what I want and need in another woman. (Obviously, if I ever happen to meet a man who just knocks all these questions out and fulfills me wholly as a person, then I would be happy with him. But right now, I'm sure I won't be meeting any guy like that.)
Anyway, I guess what this all leads to is the realization that I really can only see myself with a woman. The best way to describe myself now is bisexual and homoromantic haha. But queer still works too. My description of my sexuality doesn't actually change much though. For the past four or so years, I've been telling people that I find women much more attractive than men; that I'm pretty sure I'll end up with a woman, but I'm not averse to the idea of being with a man. Now, I just have to say I think I am a little averse. I really just haven't met many if any guys who really pull me in like women have.
Bisexual, homoromantic. Hmm. I guess I just have to come to terms with this. It's not a big deal, but it kinda still feels like one. Hmm.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)