Not much to say. I don't know what I'm doing for New Year's Eve or anything.
Autumn wants to go hiking, but I'm pretty sure it's gonna rain.
Harrison is having a New Year's Eve party, and I kinda wanna see Maria again. Though, she may or may not show up.
Austin C is also having a New Year's Eve party, and Nancy P is gonna be there. I haven't seen her since before Brother and she broke up.
I'm wondering what everyone else is doing. I kinda wanna drop by both parties for like an hour each just to catch up. Afterward, I could chill with my old friends to count down. But I don't think Mother would allow me to drive the car tomorrow night :/
For sure, I don't want to be home doing nothing...
Need a good start to the new year. I just wanna do something, be with my friends.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sushi Factory with the brother...
So I got up at 10h30 today because Mother wanted me to make a phone call for her -__- I don't know why it couldn't wait until the afternoon. I had been awake for a while, but I just didn't feel like getting up. Eventually, I stayed in bed too long, so Mother yelled at me. Made the phone call, explained/translated stuff, argued with Mother. She doesn't seem to understand how company policies work even after repeated explanations -_- Companies don't work how you want them to. They just work to make profit.
That was a shitty way to start my day. She yelled at me because I translated everything she wanted to say and still nothing was fixed. Like this was my fuckin' fault. I wasn't the one who did business with someone I didn't trust (haha like mother, like son).
Anyway, around 14h00, I drove Brother to his work meeting. He said it would only take an hour, so I should park on the street and wait for him. So I did. Listened to Owl City and Josh Groban for over two hours. I tried to do some reading, but I couldn't focus. So I just listened. And did some thinking. I don't think the thinking is ever gonna go away :/ I'm not even fighting it anymore. Ooh, I saw my friend Rahul leave his apartment, which is above Morocco's, and come back a few minutes later. I would have honked the car horn or something, but eh -shrug- I didn't. Just watched him walk.
Honestly, I didn't feel like doing anything today. Didn't wanna talk to anyone. Didn't want to get up. Just felt like not getting up, not waking up. Nothing..
Mm, Brother finally left the meeting at almost 17h00, and we drove to Sushi Factory on Branham because his friend recommended it.
We ordered two kinds of rolls each. I got the Caterpillar Roll and the Spicy Scallop Roll. Brother got the Sex on the Mountain Roll and the Spicy Salmon Roll. I drank lemonade (free refills!), and Brother drank first a glass of Nigori (I think) and then a bottle of Ginjo. So he was somewhat buzzed by the time we finished eating. The sushi was all right. Not bad. About as good as the sushi from Ariake, I think. Maybe a lil better. Bigger, for sure. And all of this cost us $52.62, which is a good price, according to Brother. My stomach hurts. I ate two whole sets of sushi T-T My poor stomach. Too much fooood. I don't eat this much anymore.
He wants us, as brother and sister, to go around and try all the sushi places we can find -shrug- Eh. I don't know if I'm up for that. Not like he has that much time to spend with me anyway. And when he does, it's just not on days that I feel like going out. Or maybe I really just don't wanna hang out with him anymore. Ahh, I feel terrible because he's kinda making an effort to hang out with and talk to me. And I'm just, I dunno, shooting him down as much as I can. I don't know why I'm doing that.
Anyway, I wasn't home much today, I suppose. Good that I didn't waste my afternoon in front of the computer. However, it just gave me too much time to think about things. I tried to go into my imaginary world, but that overlapped with the thinking too much @_@ I couldn't escape. I tried to nap, but Owl City kept me awake :O and I don't like sitting in the car in silence anymore. Much too easy for thoughts to overload that way. At least with music, I can sing along and distract myself for three to five minutes at a time. Mm...
I am just tired today. And I wish my entries were more interesting. I just haven't been doing or thinking anything interesting.
Oh yeah, Autumn called me. She wants to go hiking on New Year's Eve (but I think it's gonna rain) and then have like another sleepover thing, I guess. Hmm, maybe. I was thinking I might go to a New Year's Eve party. Maybe Harrison's, even though I won't know anyone else there, except maybe one girl (the one from January who took me to her company party/meeting/conference thing). Maybe another one if I find out about it.
Hmm, I find it interesting how listening to certain songs or music artists reminds me of certain people. I usually don't associate music with people I know. Interesting. Intriguing, almost. Like, right now, I'm listening to "All My Life" by K-Ci & Jojo, which reminds me of Rose. And Kevin, kinda. Mostly Rose. Really, it just reminds me of that time in my life. It was "their" song or whatever, but yeah, it makes me nostalgic for the good times we had. And you know sometimes it renews the feeling of loneliness... Anyway, there are a few songs or music artists that are reminding me of someone or some time in my life right now. But I'll just keep those in my head >_>
And, again, I don't know why I say anything. To anyone. Either in person or through this blog. I have so many things to say, but I don't know what I'm saying @_@ My head feels... blehh... grr... There's no word to describe anything. Just guttural/vocal sounds that I do not know how to translate into text. Nor do I want to. Yeaah.
I just need to stop thinking. To stop wanting... mm... Egh, my mind, my body, everything just feels so fuckin' grrr right now..
-deep breath- Just an off day -nods- Can't keep my focus on anything, mm..
Anyway, I can't wait for New Year's. It's gonna be kickass, yeah? Yeah!
That was a shitty way to start my day. She yelled at me because I translated everything she wanted to say and still nothing was fixed. Like this was my fuckin' fault. I wasn't the one who did business with someone I didn't trust (haha like mother, like son).
Anyway, around 14h00, I drove Brother to his work meeting. He said it would only take an hour, so I should park on the street and wait for him. So I did. Listened to Owl City and Josh Groban for over two hours. I tried to do some reading, but I couldn't focus. So I just listened. And did some thinking. I don't think the thinking is ever gonna go away :/ I'm not even fighting it anymore. Ooh, I saw my friend Rahul leave his apartment, which is above Morocco's, and come back a few minutes later. I would have honked the car horn or something, but eh -shrug- I didn't. Just watched him walk.
Honestly, I didn't feel like doing anything today. Didn't wanna talk to anyone. Didn't want to get up. Just felt like not getting up, not waking up. Nothing..
Mm, Brother finally left the meeting at almost 17h00, and we drove to Sushi Factory on Branham because his friend recommended it.
We ordered two kinds of rolls each. I got the Caterpillar Roll and the Spicy Scallop Roll. Brother got the Sex on the Mountain Roll and the Spicy Salmon Roll. I drank lemonade (free refills!), and Brother drank first a glass of Nigori (I think) and then a bottle of Ginjo. So he was somewhat buzzed by the time we finished eating. The sushi was all right. Not bad. About as good as the sushi from Ariake, I think. Maybe a lil better. Bigger, for sure. And all of this cost us $52.62, which is a good price, according to Brother. My stomach hurts. I ate two whole sets of sushi T-T My poor stomach. Too much fooood. I don't eat this much anymore.
He wants us, as brother and sister, to go around and try all the sushi places we can find -shrug- Eh. I don't know if I'm up for that. Not like he has that much time to spend with me anyway. And when he does, it's just not on days that I feel like going out. Or maybe I really just don't wanna hang out with him anymore. Ahh, I feel terrible because he's kinda making an effort to hang out with and talk to me. And I'm just, I dunno, shooting him down as much as I can. I don't know why I'm doing that.
Anyway, I wasn't home much today, I suppose. Good that I didn't waste my afternoon in front of the computer. However, it just gave me too much time to think about things. I tried to go into my imaginary world, but that overlapped with the thinking too much @_@ I couldn't escape. I tried to nap, but Owl City kept me awake :O and I don't like sitting in the car in silence anymore. Much too easy for thoughts to overload that way. At least with music, I can sing along and distract myself for three to five minutes at a time. Mm...
I am just tired today. And I wish my entries were more interesting. I just haven't been doing or thinking anything interesting.
Oh yeah, Autumn called me. She wants to go hiking on New Year's Eve (but I think it's gonna rain) and then have like another sleepover thing, I guess. Hmm, maybe. I was thinking I might go to a New Year's Eve party. Maybe Harrison's, even though I won't know anyone else there, except maybe one girl (the one from January who took me to her company party/meeting/conference thing). Maybe another one if I find out about it.
Hmm, I find it interesting how listening to certain songs or music artists reminds me of certain people. I usually don't associate music with people I know. Interesting. Intriguing, almost. Like, right now, I'm listening to "All My Life" by K-Ci & Jojo, which reminds me of Rose. And Kevin, kinda. Mostly Rose. Really, it just reminds me of that time in my life. It was "their" song or whatever, but yeah, it makes me nostalgic for the good times we had. And you know sometimes it renews the feeling of loneliness... Anyway, there are a few songs or music artists that are reminding me of someone or some time in my life right now. But I'll just keep those in my head >_>
And, again, I don't know why I say anything. To anyone. Either in person or through this blog. I have so many things to say, but I don't know what I'm saying @_@ My head feels... blehh... grr... There's no word to describe anything. Just guttural/vocal sounds that I do not know how to translate into text. Nor do I want to. Yeaah.
I just need to stop thinking. To stop wanting... mm... Egh, my mind, my body, everything just feels so fuckin' grrr right now..
-deep breath- Just an off day -nods- Can't keep my focus on anything, mm..
Anyway, I can't wait for New Year's. It's gonna be kickass, yeah? Yeah!
Monday, December 28, 2009
What do you fantasize about? :P
So I wasted my morning in bed. I didn't get up until 1130. I'm starting to tire of these restless nights and mornings. I kinda had a dream. It was a nice dream. Yeah. Made me feel loved. Mm...
Anyway, wasted time until about 15h30 when some medical financing company called. Mother's stuff.. Spent half an hour talking to the guy on the phone, trying to figure out what the hell the call was about, getting yelled at by Mother because I couldn't fix her problem (because I really didn't understand the situation. Still don't).
At 16h15, I went to pick Harrison up to go to Milpitas. Got to the Chevron in front of Great Mall early. Waited. Listened to music. Talked about hella weird shit. My buyer came around 17h15, checked out the book, paid, and left. I drove Harrison back to SJ, and we went to get Carl's Jr and Jamba Juice. Then back to his place. Love his puppy :3 So adorable ^__^ Would have been cuter without the sweater though haha. I also admired the collection of books, DVDs, and beanie babies in Harrison's closet haha.
We ended up watching a few episodes of Simpsons. Then we watched half of "The Hangover" before I had to leave. I will finish it tomorrow if I remember to. But from what I've seen so far, it's a pretty funny movie. I thought it was gonna be like another annoyingly humorous movie, but it's not. So that's good stuff.
Oh, in Harrison's book collection, there were a few books about sex haha. Sex guides and history of sex O_O It was all about straight sex. Mm, it's interesting how recent conversations with people have been revolving around sex. Such interesting things to learn about people @_@ Again, I don't contribute much from experience XP but at least I can keep up with the topics. I mean, who couldn't keep up in a conversation about vibrators and whatnot? haha >_>; ...
He also has "The Periodic Table of Sex" poster on his wall. Apparently, his mom was the one who put the poster up O_o How interesting...
Oh and apparently, I struck a sexy pose >_> hahaha. Yeaah. That was interesting. I think I was stretching from tiredness. But Harrison said it was hot >_>; I suppose I feel loved haha.
Anyway, when I came home, I watched "Enchanted" :P
For a fairytale movie, "Enchanted" was surprisingly really good. I enjoyed it. 8/10. It obviously referenced all the Disney princess movies. Awesome. I actually kinda felt for the characters. The happiness and the sadness got to me :P Some things were rushed in the movie, but again it's a fairytale movie. Gotta fit in enough quick enough for little kids to enjoy and learn and whatnot.
The movie balances fantasy with reality pretty well. "Happily ever after" vs "Real life." What phrase represents reality? I dunno. Anyway, the movie makes you rethink what kinda world you wanna live in. Like, I know, right now, I'm living in reality but oftentimes yearning for fantasy. But if I could choose, which world would I really choose?
I don't know. I kinda want to say I should take the easy way and choose fantasy, where I could find love and happiness so easily and there would generally be no problems, no worries. But I know I'd never learn. I'd never know how great happiness truly is without experiencing sadness and anger. However, in reality, we experience so much. Pain, sadness, anger, happiness, emptiness, loneliness, love, hate. Experience, good. But we also learn to doubt. We become skeptical, maybe even cynical.
Naive versus cynical... We need a balance. But it's so hard to find a balance. I guess the only way we could ever find a balance is to live in reality. Only there would you have the opportunity to see all sides. In fantasy, you avoid looking at all the sides. And really, there's never just two sides like a coin. In fairytales, there's always only two sides. Reality gives you a chance to see all possibilities, both written and unwritten. You can make your own opportunities, right?
-sigh- Ahh, it would be nice if real life would let falling in love be easy, be obvious. Alas, that exists only in fantasy. Sometimes, though, it feels like reality lets fantasy sneak in. We just don't know when it does and when we're just deluding ourselves. This is where I like fantasy. Fantasy makes everything as obvious as you want it to. You can control fantasy. Reality feels like it controls you instead. Mm...
I feel delusional @_@ The delusions must either stop or become real. Or else I'm going to be labeled as insane. And I reeeally don't want that. Yeah >_>
Anyway, wasted time until about 15h30 when some medical financing company called. Mother's stuff.. Spent half an hour talking to the guy on the phone, trying to figure out what the hell the call was about, getting yelled at by Mother because I couldn't fix her problem (because I really didn't understand the situation. Still don't).
At 16h15, I went to pick Harrison up to go to Milpitas. Got to the Chevron in front of Great Mall early. Waited. Listened to music. Talked about hella weird shit. My buyer came around 17h15, checked out the book, paid, and left. I drove Harrison back to SJ, and we went to get Carl's Jr and Jamba Juice. Then back to his place. Love his puppy :3 So adorable ^__^ Would have been cuter without the sweater though haha. I also admired the collection of books, DVDs, and beanie babies in Harrison's closet haha.
We ended up watching a few episodes of Simpsons. Then we watched half of "The Hangover" before I had to leave. I will finish it tomorrow if I remember to. But from what I've seen so far, it's a pretty funny movie. I thought it was gonna be like another annoyingly humorous movie, but it's not. So that's good stuff.
Oh, in Harrison's book collection, there were a few books about sex haha. Sex guides and history of sex O_O It was all about straight sex. Mm, it's interesting how recent conversations with people have been revolving around sex. Such interesting things to learn about people @_@ Again, I don't contribute much from experience XP but at least I can keep up with the topics. I mean, who couldn't keep up in a conversation about vibrators and whatnot? haha >_>; ...
He also has "The Periodic Table of Sex" poster on his wall. Apparently, his mom was the one who put the poster up O_o How interesting...
Oh and apparently, I struck a sexy pose >_> hahaha. Yeaah. That was interesting. I think I was stretching from tiredness. But Harrison said it was hot >_>; I suppose I feel loved haha.
Anyway, when I came home, I watched "Enchanted" :P
For a fairytale movie, "Enchanted" was surprisingly really good. I enjoyed it. 8/10. It obviously referenced all the Disney princess movies. Awesome. I actually kinda felt for the characters. The happiness and the sadness got to me :P Some things were rushed in the movie, but again it's a fairytale movie. Gotta fit in enough quick enough for little kids to enjoy and learn and whatnot.
The movie balances fantasy with reality pretty well. "Happily ever after" vs "Real life." What phrase represents reality? I dunno. Anyway, the movie makes you rethink what kinda world you wanna live in. Like, I know, right now, I'm living in reality but oftentimes yearning for fantasy. But if I could choose, which world would I really choose?
I don't know. I kinda want to say I should take the easy way and choose fantasy, where I could find love and happiness so easily and there would generally be no problems, no worries. But I know I'd never learn. I'd never know how great happiness truly is without experiencing sadness and anger. However, in reality, we experience so much. Pain, sadness, anger, happiness, emptiness, loneliness, love, hate. Experience, good. But we also learn to doubt. We become skeptical, maybe even cynical.
Naive versus cynical... We need a balance. But it's so hard to find a balance. I guess the only way we could ever find a balance is to live in reality. Only there would you have the opportunity to see all sides. In fantasy, you avoid looking at all the sides. And really, there's never just two sides like a coin. In fairytales, there's always only two sides. Reality gives you a chance to see all possibilities, both written and unwritten. You can make your own opportunities, right?
-sigh- Ahh, it would be nice if real life would let falling in love be easy, be obvious. Alas, that exists only in fantasy. Sometimes, though, it feels like reality lets fantasy sneak in. We just don't know when it does and when we're just deluding ourselves. This is where I like fantasy. Fantasy makes everything as obvious as you want it to. You can control fantasy. Reality feels like it controls you instead. Mm...
I feel delusional @_@ The delusions must either stop or become real. Or else I'm going to be labeled as insane. And I reeeally don't want that. Yeah >_>
Official 2010 Resolutions + Extras
Here's the final list:
2010 Resolutions:
1. Follow: No anger. No complaints.
2. Daily: Get out of bed by 0700.
3. Daily: Meditate for 10 minutes.
4. Daily: Do 20 push-ups, 20 crunches, 20 chin-ups.
5. Do a fitness activity at least twice a week.
6. Daily: Drink 1 bottle of water.
7. Daily: Spend 3 extra hours max on the Internet.
8. Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
9. Choose a major by March 31.
10. Get a job by summertime.
11. Do not doubt myself.
12. Prepare for and go to Anime Expo 2010.
13. Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone.
Whatever conditions I may have mentioned in the previous resolution entry still apply. The list is just simplified. I feel like adding in other things I want to do next year, but they're not as important as these things on the list are. Yes, the last two items are totally important to me :3 Maybe I'll make an auxiliary list of things to do for next year. Not resolutions, but just things to keep in mind. If I can do them, I'll do them. If not, no worries. Could add all the stuff that didn't get onto the 2010 list :D
+Learn how to play piano or guitar.
+Talk to people more. Initiate more conversations.
+Go out with friends weekly.
+Don't drive too fast. Don't rush.
+Be honest. Do not lie.
+Obsess less. Figure out more solutions. Make decisive decisions.
+Eat enough fruits and vegetable every day.
+Avoid 80+ proof liquor (This should be easy, so I shouldn't make it a resolution).
+Go to SF Pride. Get a small group of friends to go (more than just Brian and Trung XP).
+Go to ST's 2010 graduation (not gonna miss the next two).
+Read all the novels suggested by friends (Give me suggestions!).
+Finish at least half the list of "Movies To Watch."
+Have a horror/thriller movie marathon.
+Go to a concert.
+Hug more. For real this time (I know I didn't really take this resolution seriously in previous years).
+Wander through the city (any city).
+Explore San Jose's Japantown (because I haven't yet >_> and apparently, I should).
+Celebrate my birthday (with a party? Such a crazy thought that it probably won't happen, but it's a nice thought, isn't it?).
I don't know why I don't just keep everything as a "thing to keep in mind" instead of making a list of resolutions and an auxiliary list. I'm just weird :P I suppose I want short-term goals, things I really want to try/do. I want to make myself work toward something, and making resolutions actually gets me to do things, even if they're only small things. But some things I want to achieve are just too much or too silly for me to include as a resolution XP Or they're just things that people have "promised" to do with me.
Anyway, yeah, you now have my list. You can encourage me to stick to it and actually finish the list :P No faltering. If I falter, you should smack/kick me and keep me going. Seriously.
For the auxiliary list, if you have anything I should add, feel free to tell me. And accomplish the stuff with me, won't ya? I mean, you could probably teach me something, remind me not to go over 80 mph, keep the liquor away, sit with me during the graduation ceremony, watch horrors/thrillers with me, go to a concert with me, show me new places, etc etc.... It would be awesome if you did that for me :) I'd appreciate it. I don't think I could do much of these alone. Well, I could, but I wouldn't.
-sigh- If anyone's really reading this, lemme know you support me ^_^ I suppose I really just want someone to know what I'm doing and to keep me going. Just keep pushing me. But ah, that's a bit much to ask because I know you guys are busy. So, just keep spiritually supporting me haha...
2010 Resolutions:
1. Follow: No anger. No complaints.
2. Daily: Get out of bed by 0700.
3. Daily: Meditate for 10 minutes.
4. Daily: Do 20 push-ups, 20 crunches, 20 chin-ups.
5. Do a fitness activity at least twice a week.
6. Daily: Drink 1 bottle of water.
7. Daily: Spend 3 extra hours max on the Internet.
8. Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
9. Choose a major by March 31.
10. Get a job by summertime.
11. Do not doubt myself.
12. Prepare for and go to Anime Expo 2010.
13. Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone.
Whatever conditions I may have mentioned in the previous resolution entry still apply. The list is just simplified. I feel like adding in other things I want to do next year, but they're not as important as these things on the list are. Yes, the last two items are totally important to me :3 Maybe I'll make an auxiliary list of things to do for next year. Not resolutions, but just things to keep in mind. If I can do them, I'll do them. If not, no worries. Could add all the stuff that didn't get onto the 2010 list :D
+Learn how to play piano or guitar.
+Talk to people more. Initiate more conversations.
+Go out with friends weekly.
+Don't drive too fast. Don't rush.
+Be honest. Do not lie.
+Obsess less. Figure out more solutions. Make decisive decisions.
+Eat enough fruits and vegetable every day.
+Avoid 80+ proof liquor (This should be easy, so I shouldn't make it a resolution).
+Go to SF Pride. Get a small group of friends to go (more than just Brian and Trung XP).
+Go to ST's 2010 graduation (not gonna miss the next two).
+Read all the novels suggested by friends (Give me suggestions!).
+Finish at least half the list of "Movies To Watch."
+Have a horror/thriller movie marathon.
+Go to a concert.
+Hug more. For real this time (I know I didn't really take this resolution seriously in previous years).
+Wander through the city (any city).
+Explore San Jose's Japantown (because I haven't yet >_> and apparently, I should).
+Celebrate my birthday (with a party? Such a crazy thought that it probably won't happen, but it's a nice thought, isn't it?).
I don't know why I don't just keep everything as a "thing to keep in mind" instead of making a list of resolutions and an auxiliary list. I'm just weird :P I suppose I want short-term goals, things I really want to try/do. I want to make myself work toward something, and making resolutions actually gets me to do things, even if they're only small things. But some things I want to achieve are just too much or too silly for me to include as a resolution XP Or they're just things that people have "promised" to do with me.
Anyway, yeah, you now have my list. You can encourage me to stick to it and actually finish the list :P No faltering. If I falter, you should smack/kick me and keep me going. Seriously.
For the auxiliary list, if you have anything I should add, feel free to tell me. And accomplish the stuff with me, won't ya? I mean, you could probably teach me something, remind me not to go over 80 mph, keep the liquor away, sit with me during the graduation ceremony, watch horrors/thrillers with me, go to a concert with me, show me new places, etc etc.... It would be awesome if you did that for me :) I'd appreciate it. I don't think I could do much of these alone. Well, I could, but I wouldn't.
-sigh- If anyone's really reading this, lemme know you support me ^_^ I suppose I really just want someone to know what I'm doing and to keep me going. Just keep pushing me. But ah, that's a bit much to ask because I know you guys are busy. So, just keep spiritually supporting me haha...
Sunday, December 27, 2009
"Yes Man" and "Rent"
"Yes Man" is pretty awesome haha. 8/10. When I first read the summary of the movie, I honestly didn't think I would like the movie. But it was pretty quirky, touching, and entertaining. Jim Carrey usually plays the same kinda guy in all his movies, and I usually get tired of him being the same guy. But he made it work in this movie as Carl. Not as far out as some of his previous characters, I think. Seems like it anyway.
My favorite scene is the "Jumper" scene :) It was just full of awesome haha. And I love how everything Carl says yes to benefits him and everyone else in some way in the end.
This movie makes you think life can be worth living -nods- Yeah, there's a love story in there. With Allison played by Zooey Deschanel (from "Bridge to Terabithia" and "(500) Days of Summer" :D). But I wasn't too focused on that storyline. Though, I did love Allison's personality.
Anyway, I like this movie. A feel-good movie, yeah? Live life. Enjoy it. Don't be afraid to take chances. Some calculated, some spontaneous. Doesn't matter. Just take 'em.
Haha I wish I could do that. I wish I would let myself do that. Maybe that's why I like this movie. I want to take chances, but I'm just afraid ^_^; Just say no. But I should say yes. This movie is kinda like a driving force for impressionable people to go out and live. Glad I'm not impressionable XP
"Rent" wasn't as spectacular as I thought it would be, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. 7/10. And I can't believe Stephen Chbosky was the screenplay writer. Perks! :D
The songs were great, but some of them didn't really jibe with me. I think if I just listen to the songs a few more times, I'll end up liking them enough haha. Not really sure I like Roger's voice XP Collins' voice, on the other hand, is just amazing. My two favorite songs are "Finale B" (better known as "No Day But Today") and "I'll Cover You." "La Vie Boheme" is pretty catchy itself :P
And you know, I can't believe the guy who plays Collins was Detective Green from "Law and Order" :D That's just so awesome haha.... And Rosario Dawson's performance in the movie was interesting. Didn't really like Mimi (Dawson's character) at first, but then she grew on me when she sang "Another Day" with Roger :P
Hm, I didn't cry at any point during the movie, which I had expected to. I wanted to, but I couldn't. A couple of sad scenes that touched me, but I just didn't connect with the characters very strongly. The funeral, Collins, and a lot of other things made me hella sad or even upset, but I couldn't cry for any of it. Though, those scenes sure put a weight on me haha.
Generally an uplifting movie. I will probably watch it again with my friends at some point, since you guys seem to love it so much :P and you'll probably want me to learn the words, so we can randomly burst out into song. All I can say is I'll try haha...
I feel like I'm watching too many movies XP but I don't know what else to do. I keep putting off reading Brother Odd. I must continue. And I must continue "Code Geass" too. I've forgotten about it >_> and Alex and Jeisun are probably still planning on doing that cosplay next year. They want me to be epic -_- As long as epic won't cost me too much, ok, I guess. Haha I just checked my wallet. I only have $8. Brother borrowed everything else. To buy xmas presents for coworkers and friends. So it's all good.
Anyway, seriously, does anyone wanna have a movie marathon or something? I'm kinda getting tired of watching all these movies by myself :/ I mean, I don't watch movies with Mother. Brother is always either working, partying, or sleeping. I'd watch a movie with D, but he's not around much obviously. And I know I don't really make an effort to see people anymore, but if you just invite me, I will always try. I just can't plan anything myself haha.
Yeah. Ok. Hope you're having oodles of fun this break before you go back to school next weekend XP
My favorite scene is the "Jumper" scene :) It was just full of awesome haha. And I love how everything Carl says yes to benefits him and everyone else in some way in the end.
This movie makes you think life can be worth living -nods- Yeah, there's a love story in there. With Allison played by Zooey Deschanel (from "Bridge to Terabithia" and "(500) Days of Summer" :D). But I wasn't too focused on that storyline. Though, I did love Allison's personality.
Anyway, I like this movie. A feel-good movie, yeah? Live life. Enjoy it. Don't be afraid to take chances. Some calculated, some spontaneous. Doesn't matter. Just take 'em.
Haha I wish I could do that. I wish I would let myself do that. Maybe that's why I like this movie. I want to take chances, but I'm just afraid ^_^; Just say no. But I should say yes. This movie is kinda like a driving force for impressionable people to go out and live. Glad I'm not impressionable XP
"Rent" wasn't as spectacular as I thought it would be, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. 7/10. And I can't believe Stephen Chbosky was the screenplay writer. Perks! :D
The songs were great, but some of them didn't really jibe with me. I think if I just listen to the songs a few more times, I'll end up liking them enough haha. Not really sure I like Roger's voice XP Collins' voice, on the other hand, is just amazing. My two favorite songs are "Finale B" (better known as "No Day But Today") and "I'll Cover You." "La Vie Boheme" is pretty catchy itself :P
And you know, I can't believe the guy who plays Collins was Detective Green from "Law and Order" :D That's just so awesome haha.... And Rosario Dawson's performance in the movie was interesting. Didn't really like Mimi (Dawson's character) at first, but then she grew on me when she sang "Another Day" with Roger :P
Hm, I didn't cry at any point during the movie, which I had expected to. I wanted to, but I couldn't. A couple of sad scenes that touched me, but I just didn't connect with the characters very strongly. The funeral, Collins, and a lot of other things made me hella sad or even upset, but I couldn't cry for any of it. Though, those scenes sure put a weight on me haha.
Generally an uplifting movie. I will probably watch it again with my friends at some point, since you guys seem to love it so much :P and you'll probably want me to learn the words, so we can randomly burst out into song. All I can say is I'll try haha...
I feel like I'm watching too many movies XP but I don't know what else to do. I keep putting off reading Brother Odd. I must continue. And I must continue "Code Geass" too. I've forgotten about it >_> and Alex and Jeisun are probably still planning on doing that cosplay next year. They want me to be epic -_- As long as epic won't cost me too much, ok, I guess. Haha I just checked my wallet. I only have $8. Brother borrowed everything else. To buy xmas presents for coworkers and friends. So it's all good.
Anyway, seriously, does anyone wanna have a movie marathon or something? I'm kinda getting tired of watching all these movies by myself :/ I mean, I don't watch movies with Mother. Brother is always either working, partying, or sleeping. I'd watch a movie with D, but he's not around much obviously. And I know I don't really make an effort to see people anymore, but if you just invite me, I will always try. I just can't plan anything myself haha.
Yeah. Ok. Hope you're having oodles of fun this break before you go back to school next weekend XP
Saturday, December 26, 2009
"The Chumscrubber"
Haven't really done anything today. Woke up at 11h30, even though I went to bed at 23h00 last night. Of course, I didn't fall asleep right away. Maan, I don't know what's been going on lately, but my sleeping pattern is just not stable. Good thing I'm on break. I've got another four and a half weeks to work it all out.
Minimal interaction with the family today. I tried, but I had nothing to say, except to inform Mother that I will be driving to the Great Mall in Milpitas with Harrison on Monday to sell a textbook. Yeah. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that's all I said to her today. Well, she tried to tell some joke about how I have to take care of the family when I'm older, and I replied, but I honestly did not find that joke funny.
Anyway, I watched "The Chumscrubber." It's supposed to be an Indie movie, I guess. I like it. 8/10. I'd give it a 9, but the ending isn't typical, ideal, or forgettable. Haha I don't know how to explain what I'm thinking. Something about closure.
The film has a couple of actors that I know of and/or like in it: Glenn Close, Jamie Bell, Camille Belle, Allison Janney, and Ralph Fiennes. Though, Mr Fiennes will always be Francis Dolarhyde to me XD And it seems that he also plays Voldemort now :O I did not know that.
Back to the movie... It's satire, but it made me sad haha. A kid, Troy, who lives in a upper middle class neighborhood, commits suicide. This movie focuses on the people in his life after his death... Even though the characters are all upper middle class folks, anyone could relate to the movie. I'd like to think so.
Ah, I don't wanna give anything away. I want you to watch the movie first, but it makes me think a lot of things. About people. That I want to write about -sigh-
Hmm, I'll just say we ignore people a lot because it's easy. Sometimes, we distract ourselves so much that we don't realize how far we've displaced ourselves from reality. In the movie, there's a kid named Charlie Bratley, who's mistakenly kidnapped. His mom Terri is preoccupied about her upcoming wedding. She comes home and calls for Charlie several times, but he doesn't answer because he's not there. She goes up to his bedroom door and knocks, asking him to reply. She just keeps talking to him through the door, assuming that he's angry at her. Her husband-to-be comes home, and she stops trying to talk to Charlie. She lets herself get distracted. Eventually, she notices that she hasn't seen her son in a few days, but she just assumes that he's avoiding her because of the wedding or whatever. She never checks his room. She never opens the door because she wants to assume that everything is all right. She's goes on worrying about her wedding.
I don't know about you, but I would never want to leave someone alone like that. If I had a kid who was mad at me, I would at least make sure that I saw him every day. Just for a lil bit, to know that he's still there. I don't ever want to let myself get that distracted from anyone in my life. If I do, Someone smack me, please. Makes me think of Troy's mom, her progress through the movie and the realization she comes to at the end...
Ahh, there's so much more I want to say. But I say you should watch the movie because I think it's a good movie :P
And just so you know, how I rate the films I watch is more by feeling than by any set standards. Sometimes, I rate based on the message of the movie. Sometimes, I rate based on the graphics, the story, the characters alone, how often the movie makes me cry, etc etc. Maybe the movie was just purely entertainment with no meaning. It varies. So you know, I don't really compare movies. Aiyah, what am I saying? ... Movies that I really like just resonate with me in some way. And the ratings I give to movies sometimes seem like too much or too little for the weirdest reasons, but it's just how I think XP
Like, this movie, I really like. But I'm pretty sure most of my friends probably wouldn't choose to watch this movie. I dunno. I just feel none of my friends watch movies the way I do. Well, obviously not. We're all different... Again, I don't know how to explain what I'm thinking. I'm just being strange :P haha. It's just a good movie in my opinion. I'm sure some people would say it's a lame attempt at yada yada yada. I might agree, but I still enjoyed the movie. I dunno, it just works with me. Plus, it made me cry twice haha. Movies that make me cry are usually pretty good haha. Or the writers/directors just know how to get me XP
Yeah, watch the movie. I want to be able to talk to someone about this movie -shrug- Keep in mind that it is supposed to be partly satirical, and some of the things that the characters do will make you ask, "Wtf are you on," "Why would you do/say that," or just "Why?" Even if you end up not liking the movie, at least enjoy what you can, yeah? That's how I like to think ^_^
So if you do watch the movie, talk to me, tell me what you think. I'd like to know. Maybe I'll find out I'm not the only one who thinks the way I do, hahaha...
Minimal interaction with the family today. I tried, but I had nothing to say, except to inform Mother that I will be driving to the Great Mall in Milpitas with Harrison on Monday to sell a textbook. Yeah. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that's all I said to her today. Well, she tried to tell some joke about how I have to take care of the family when I'm older, and I replied, but I honestly did not find that joke funny.
Anyway, I watched "The Chumscrubber." It's supposed to be an Indie movie, I guess. I like it. 8/10. I'd give it a 9, but the ending isn't typical, ideal, or forgettable. Haha I don't know how to explain what I'm thinking. Something about closure.
The film has a couple of actors that I know of and/or like in it: Glenn Close, Jamie Bell, Camille Belle, Allison Janney, and Ralph Fiennes. Though, Mr Fiennes will always be Francis Dolarhyde to me XD And it seems that he also plays Voldemort now :O I did not know that.
Back to the movie... It's satire, but it made me sad haha. A kid, Troy, who lives in a upper middle class neighborhood, commits suicide. This movie focuses on the people in his life after his death... Even though the characters are all upper middle class folks, anyone could relate to the movie. I'd like to think so.
Ah, I don't wanna give anything away. I want you to watch the movie first, but it makes me think a lot of things. About people. That I want to write about -sigh-
Hmm, I'll just say we ignore people a lot because it's easy. Sometimes, we distract ourselves so much that we don't realize how far we've displaced ourselves from reality. In the movie, there's a kid named Charlie Bratley, who's mistakenly kidnapped. His mom Terri is preoccupied about her upcoming wedding. She comes home and calls for Charlie several times, but he doesn't answer because he's not there. She goes up to his bedroom door and knocks, asking him to reply. She just keeps talking to him through the door, assuming that he's angry at her. Her husband-to-be comes home, and she stops trying to talk to Charlie. She lets herself get distracted. Eventually, she notices that she hasn't seen her son in a few days, but she just assumes that he's avoiding her because of the wedding or whatever. She never checks his room. She never opens the door because she wants to assume that everything is all right. She's goes on worrying about her wedding.
I don't know about you, but I would never want to leave someone alone like that. If I had a kid who was mad at me, I would at least make sure that I saw him every day. Just for a lil bit, to know that he's still there. I don't ever want to let myself get that distracted from anyone in my life. If I do, Someone smack me, please. Makes me think of Troy's mom, her progress through the movie and the realization she comes to at the end...
Ahh, there's so much more I want to say. But I say you should watch the movie because I think it's a good movie :P
And just so you know, how I rate the films I watch is more by feeling than by any set standards. Sometimes, I rate based on the message of the movie. Sometimes, I rate based on the graphics, the story, the characters alone, how often the movie makes me cry, etc etc. Maybe the movie was just purely entertainment with no meaning. It varies. So you know, I don't really compare movies. Aiyah, what am I saying? ... Movies that I really like just resonate with me in some way. And the ratings I give to movies sometimes seem like too much or too little for the weirdest reasons, but it's just how I think XP
Like, this movie, I really like. But I'm pretty sure most of my friends probably wouldn't choose to watch this movie. I dunno. I just feel none of my friends watch movies the way I do. Well, obviously not. We're all different... Again, I don't know how to explain what I'm thinking. I'm just being strange :P haha. It's just a good movie in my opinion. I'm sure some people would say it's a lame attempt at yada yada yada. I might agree, but I still enjoyed the movie. I dunno, it just works with me. Plus, it made me cry twice haha. Movies that make me cry are usually pretty good haha. Or the writers/directors just know how to get me XP
Yeah, watch the movie. I want to be able to talk to someone about this movie -shrug- Keep in mind that it is supposed to be partly satirical, and some of the things that the characters do will make you ask, "Wtf are you on," "Why would you do/say that," or just "Why?" Even if you end up not liking the movie, at least enjoy what you can, yeah? That's how I like to think ^_^
So if you do watch the movie, talk to me, tell me what you think. I'd like to know. Maybe I'll find out I'm not the only one who thinks the way I do, hahaha...
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas, folks...
Just another day. Got about an hour of sporadic moments of sleep this morning. Got up at 8. Mother was still asleep. Brother was still at his friend's (where he is again now). I went online. Said "Merry Christmas" to D. No gifts or anything (no money, you know), but it's all good.
Watched "9" and "The Final Destination" today. Both movies were pretty good. "9" made me sad, but I liked it. I was sad that the group lost so many and couldn't get them back at the end :( I was hoping... Anyway, TFD had a friggin' awesome intro/credits and ending. More blood in this installment. More irony, too, I suppose. All good stuff. Story, as always, is old, but the deaths were pretty cool. Only one of the deaths I didn't see coming XP and it was the least ingenious one haha. Hmm...
Might watch another movie after this.
Anyway, yeah, this was pretty much my day at home. Online movies. Also figuring where the halfway point between San Jose and Hayward is because a girl's buying one of my textbooks through Craigslist. Hm.
Today really wasn't very interesting. Don't know why I'm updating about it. Maybe because it's Christmas day and it's supposed to be interesting. Eh.
Oh, I just deleted another couple of people off of my AIM list. I have ten buddies left :O I don't know why I do this. Can't believe I used to have over 100 buddies, most of whom I did talk to. Hm. I think I do this every time I decide I'm going ease/cut off my use of something. So eventually, I may actually stop using AIM :O That's such a crazy thought to me haha. Been using it for the past seven or so years. Ahh, I'll go through withdrawal symptoms @_@ I just need to find that life of mine. Maybe I'll be ok then haha.
I'll be healthier this way in the long run -nods- I'm just gonna feel bad for the ones who expect me to be there to talk to once in a while -__- Eh, well, there's Facebook. And phones. Yeah, it'll be ok -nods- Hmm... My buddy list is so empty O___O One day, I'll be able to uninstall AIM without looking back, mm hmm.
Ahhh, it's just AIM. Not like my life is going to end without it >_> I'm so weird. It's just AIM. A compulsion. Ah well, I won't be stopping it for a while. Or maybe I should try over this break. Yeah. I should. Hm. But I'll still go on for the three people who still talk to me XP yeaah.
This is pathetic. I'm talking about breaking off my connection with AIM -__- It's become rooted in my life. Sad.
Maybe I shouldn't stop. Maybe just moderate the amount of time I spend on it. Yeah. That's what resolutions are for XP Hopefully, I'll stick to it better next year.
And whoa, six days plus four-and-a-half hours left of 2009. Crazy quick year. Feels like I only went to that Wrawsome Christmas party a few months ago. 2010, new decade. New things. New experiences. Hopefully, things get better. 2009 was good, but I need 2010 to be better. How? I don't know. It just needs to be. A lot of doubt, anger, and foolishness this year (and years past, of course). There needs to be less next year.
Maybe I'll finally find my motivation next year. I still haven't found it, even after all these years I've been talking about it. Motivation. The real kind. I need it.
-sigh- There's been some changes this year, I suppose. Not sure if they're good or bad. But I'm trying to be positive.
Next year, I'll try not to obsess too much about stuff. Clear out this bank of emotions, you know? I've done it once before. I'll do it again. It's better that way, yes? Yes. No more false hopes. No more yes-then-no bullshit. No more fooling myself into thinking I deserve things that I know I don't.
2010 will be okely dokely :D Chyeah!
(Oh, I see the irony in what I just said haha.)
And please tell me there's gonna be a New Year's party. I wanna count down with the friends (: Or we should at least do a sleepover thing -shrug- Just do something together, yeah? Maybe go back up on the hill. Just chill. We need to chill before you all go back to school the next day -nods-
Playing "Bloodsport" by Sneaker Pimps
Watched "9" and "The Final Destination" today. Both movies were pretty good. "9" made me sad, but I liked it. I was sad that the group lost so many and couldn't get them back at the end :( I was hoping... Anyway, TFD had a friggin' awesome intro/credits and ending. More blood in this installment. More irony, too, I suppose. All good stuff. Story, as always, is old, but the deaths were pretty cool. Only one of the deaths I didn't see coming XP and it was the least ingenious one haha. Hmm...
Might watch another movie after this.
Anyway, yeah, this was pretty much my day at home. Online movies. Also figuring where the halfway point between San Jose and Hayward is because a girl's buying one of my textbooks through Craigslist. Hm.
Today really wasn't very interesting. Don't know why I'm updating about it. Maybe because it's Christmas day and it's supposed to be interesting. Eh.
Oh, I just deleted another couple of people off of my AIM list. I have ten buddies left :O I don't know why I do this. Can't believe I used to have over 100 buddies, most of whom I did talk to. Hm. I think I do this every time I decide I'm going ease/cut off my use of something. So eventually, I may actually stop using AIM :O That's such a crazy thought to me haha. Been using it for the past seven or so years. Ahh, I'll go through withdrawal symptoms @_@ I just need to find that life of mine. Maybe I'll be ok then haha.
I'll be healthier this way in the long run -nods- I'm just gonna feel bad for the ones who expect me to be there to talk to once in a while -__- Eh, well, there's Facebook. And phones. Yeah, it'll be ok -nods- Hmm... My buddy list is so empty O___O One day, I'll be able to uninstall AIM without looking back, mm hmm.
Ahhh, it's just AIM. Not like my life is going to end without it >_> I'm so weird. It's just AIM. A compulsion. Ah well, I won't be stopping it for a while. Or maybe I should try over this break. Yeah. I should. Hm. But I'll still go on for the three people who still talk to me XP yeaah.
This is pathetic. I'm talking about breaking off my connection with AIM -__- It's become rooted in my life. Sad.
Maybe I shouldn't stop. Maybe just moderate the amount of time I spend on it. Yeah. That's what resolutions are for XP Hopefully, I'll stick to it better next year.
And whoa, six days plus four-and-a-half hours left of 2009. Crazy quick year. Feels like I only went to that Wrawsome Christmas party a few months ago. 2010, new decade. New things. New experiences. Hopefully, things get better. 2009 was good, but I need 2010 to be better. How? I don't know. It just needs to be. A lot of doubt, anger, and foolishness this year (and years past, of course). There needs to be less next year.
Maybe I'll finally find my motivation next year. I still haven't found it, even after all these years I've been talking about it. Motivation. The real kind. I need it.
-sigh- There's been some changes this year, I suppose. Not sure if they're good or bad. But I'm trying to be positive.
Next year, I'll try not to obsess too much about stuff. Clear out this bank of emotions, you know? I've done it once before. I'll do it again. It's better that way, yes? Yes. No more false hopes. No more yes-then-no bullshit. No more fooling myself into thinking I deserve things that I know I don't.
2010 will be okely dokely :D Chyeah!
(Oh, I see the irony in what I just said haha.)
And please tell me there's gonna be a New Year's party. I wanna count down with the friends (: Or we should at least do a sleepover thing -shrug- Just do something together, yeah? Maybe go back up on the hill. Just chill. We need to chill before you all go back to school the next day -nods-
Playing "Bloodsport" by Sneaker Pimps
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sad dreams?
I didn't sleep very well this morning. Kept waking up again. But I had two long dreams this morning. I woke up and laid there, trying to remember them. I think I've forgotten most of them. I remember bits from the first and a vague feeling from the second.
Just so you know, sometimes I give lame, generic nicknames (at least in my head) because I don't remember actual names. Or maybe I just don't feel like mentioning actual names because I'm too embarrassed or something. Sometimes, I'm not really sure.
Dream 1: The same people from last night at the same hotel. We pretty much do all the same things we did last night there. Play piano, watch the ice skaters, Ariel steals a small plate. Only difference from last night is we all run to the elevator when we leave.
(There were "transition scenes," but I don't remember them.) Maggie, Ariane, and I are in the backseat of someone's car. Ariane is talking to Tim (her fellow dancer) on the phone, telling him to meet her in front of "J Lube" (Jiffy Lube, if you didn't get that). And Ariane keeps suddenly switching seats between the backseat, the driver's, and the passenger's. Maggie and I stay in the back. Tim shows up to give Ariane her stuff that she forgot to take with her. They talk for a while. Then I think Tim gets in the backseat next to Maggie and me.
Then Ariane's gone. Now, the dreams just focused in the backseat of the car. There are five of us sitting, comfortably packed in the back. In order from left to right: Maggie, a girl (I'll call her Some1), me, Tim (who later becomes another guy), a guy. Maggie and I know the three.
Some1 is talking about another girl, who's got life too easy. People are always doing things for her. She never has to try. Tim tries to defend the other girl, but Some1 won't listen. This is when Tim becomes someone else.
Then Some1 talks about her best guy friend (Obsessive Guy, or OG for short :P), who in reality is a friend of mine who works at SJSU and is like almost 30 haha. Anyway, he won't talk to Some1 anymore. Why? Because he's obsessed with the other girl that Some1 is talking about. Then there was something about OG going to Kansas in a month (in dream world, I thought, "Why is he going to Kansas? He doesn't seem like the type to go to Kansas."). The two guys in the car are trying to defend OG, but Some1 won't listen. They try to say that she should move on. Still won't listen. Maggie agrees with the guys. Still won't listen. Some1 looks at me, as if she's expecting my input as well. I stay silent.
There are actually many times during her little monologue when she looks at me, waiting for some kind of reaction or something. I dunno. But I never react. I just sit and listen, absorbing the sadness, the anger, and something else (I dunno what though).
I'm kinda surprised by this dream. I mean, I know I'm pretty quiet in real life, but I usually say something in my dreams. I've never "willingly" been silent in a dream. I never did so much thinking within a dream. Like, I heard my voice, but it was always in my head, not out loud.
Anyway, Some1 keeps going on about the girl and OG. Keeps looking at me. The other three keep trying to calm her down, persuade her to think differently, but she won't listen. I sit there, thinking, "Why aren't you listening to them? You know they're right." Why don't I say this out loud? I don't know.
After a while, we're all quiet. The guys say they want to sleep. Suddenly, we're all lying down comfortably, side by side, in the backseat. I think the seat turned into a bed. With blankets. All but Some1 and I fall asleep. My left arm is touching Some1's right arm. I lift my arm up and put it over my face. My right hand on my stomach. I'm in the dark, but I can still feel everything around me.
Some1 talks to me. Directly. Looks at me directly. She wants to know why I'm so quiet. I don't move, don't say a word. "Why didn't you say what you were thinking? Why didn't you agree with them? Why didn't you even nod or shake your head? You just sat there, listening." Silence. The one-sided conversation continues for a bit.
Then she lies back down on her side, facing me. I think, "Because I don't want to... Because you don't need me to... Because this is just scary different..." (I don't know what I meant by any of that, but of course I knew in dream world.)
We're laying there for a while. No words. Weird feelings, on my part. Then Some1 asks, "Do you want me to hold you?" No reply. She asks again. Still no reply. What am I thinking? "I don't... want this." She turns me slightly onto my right side and puts her arms around me, rests her head on the back of my neck. The other three have disappeared without my noticing.
What do I think? "I don't want you to hold me..." But I don't move. "I want to hold you..." Still no movement. "Ahh, but this is... nice." I start to feel... different? I don't really know the word.
Then I woke up. At 0645. With my arms over my face and tears streaming out of my eyes. I don't know why I was crying when I woke up. Why was I crying in my sleep? This cannot be good.
I spent an hour, thinking about the dream. Not sure what I accomplished with that.
Then I fell asleep again. Had my second dream. But I don't really remember much from it.
Dream 2: There were naked people in my dream haha. In a shared bathroom. One of those naked dreams. At least I wasn't alone and I still had my pants on haha. Though, I was trying to cover up with a towel. Nighttime. Someone was following me. Some big guy. He scared me. He really scared me. He almost caught me in a room in a confusing building, in which I don't know how I got to that room. Just a lot of walking, turning, and looking back. I tried to ask people to help get rid of this guy. But people just laughed, said I was paranoid, said I shouldn't be so scared of a stranger. They laughed. Then they were all wearing clothes. I was still shirtless. Then he caught me. With all those people around, laughing.
I blink. I was somewhere else. With Mother. She was holding onto my arms. Shaking me? She was angry. Yelling. "You were caught!"
This second dream is really vague, but I have the feeling that I was fighting with both Mother and the stranger. They were both after me. I ran away from both.
I woke up crying from this one too. I don't know why my dreams are making me cry. I hate this. It's just about as bad as not knowing what happened in a dream that made me cry. This happened a few days ago or yesterday. Don't remember. I don't like that. Sleeping and crying, waking up not knowing. Or sleeping and crying, waking to know what but not why.
Not a good start to my day. Not that there was a start anyway. I got maybe five hours of very interrupted sleep.
Anyway, I should stay home for a few days, maybe a week. I heard Mother yelling at Brother this morning. I don't think going out will help. So much for no anger today. She's already angry. At me. My fault, I know. And I mean, that "angry at one, angry at all" thing. She's mad at me, but she took it out on Brother because he was awake. Though, she was angry at him for the same reason she's mad at him in the mornings. He wakes up too late and then complains about being late to work, as if it's not his fault. That's understandable anger on Mother's part. But she doesn't need to say the stuff she says. Stuff that has nothing to do with Brother's lateness. Stuff that we don't need to hear, especially on Christmas Eve. Today and tomorrow are supposed to be joyful, at least bearable.
Mm.. if you listen to one of these diatribes of hers, you might think they're not that bad. They probably aren't. I'm just weak, and I can't take any of the things she says. I'm probably blowing them out of proportion. I just don't like having to listen to them over and over again.
Ahh, I don't know what I'm gonna do today. Maybe read. Nothing else to do, except go on the computer. But I don't really want to. I need a fuckin' hobby. I need to occupy my time better. More productivity, distractions; less thinking, wasting time, bullshit.
Oh, I'll work on my list of resolutions. I'll try to put the official list up tonight or tomorrow.
Hope all is well.
Just so you know, sometimes I give lame, generic nicknames (at least in my head) because I don't remember actual names. Or maybe I just don't feel like mentioning actual names because I'm too embarrassed or something. Sometimes, I'm not really sure.
Dream 1: The same people from last night at the same hotel. We pretty much do all the same things we did last night there. Play piano, watch the ice skaters, Ariel steals a small plate. Only difference from last night is we all run to the elevator when we leave.
(There were "transition scenes," but I don't remember them.) Maggie, Ariane, and I are in the backseat of someone's car. Ariane is talking to Tim (her fellow dancer) on the phone, telling him to meet her in front of "J Lube" (Jiffy Lube, if you didn't get that). And Ariane keeps suddenly switching seats between the backseat, the driver's, and the passenger's. Maggie and I stay in the back. Tim shows up to give Ariane her stuff that she forgot to take with her. They talk for a while. Then I think Tim gets in the backseat next to Maggie and me.
Then Ariane's gone. Now, the dreams just focused in the backseat of the car. There are five of us sitting, comfortably packed in the back. In order from left to right: Maggie, a girl (I'll call her Some1), me, Tim (who later becomes another guy), a guy. Maggie and I know the three.
Some1 is talking about another girl, who's got life too easy. People are always doing things for her. She never has to try. Tim tries to defend the other girl, but Some1 won't listen. This is when Tim becomes someone else.
Then Some1 talks about her best guy friend (Obsessive Guy, or OG for short :P), who in reality is a friend of mine who works at SJSU and is like almost 30 haha. Anyway, he won't talk to Some1 anymore. Why? Because he's obsessed with the other girl that Some1 is talking about. Then there was something about OG going to Kansas in a month (in dream world, I thought, "Why is he going to Kansas? He doesn't seem like the type to go to Kansas."). The two guys in the car are trying to defend OG, but Some1 won't listen. They try to say that she should move on. Still won't listen. Maggie agrees with the guys. Still won't listen. Some1 looks at me, as if she's expecting my input as well. I stay silent.
There are actually many times during her little monologue when she looks at me, waiting for some kind of reaction or something. I dunno. But I never react. I just sit and listen, absorbing the sadness, the anger, and something else (I dunno what though).
I'm kinda surprised by this dream. I mean, I know I'm pretty quiet in real life, but I usually say something in my dreams. I've never "willingly" been silent in a dream. I never did so much thinking within a dream. Like, I heard my voice, but it was always in my head, not out loud.
Anyway, Some1 keeps going on about the girl and OG. Keeps looking at me. The other three keep trying to calm her down, persuade her to think differently, but she won't listen. I sit there, thinking, "Why aren't you listening to them? You know they're right." Why don't I say this out loud? I don't know.
After a while, we're all quiet. The guys say they want to sleep. Suddenly, we're all lying down comfortably, side by side, in the backseat. I think the seat turned into a bed. With blankets. All but Some1 and I fall asleep. My left arm is touching Some1's right arm. I lift my arm up and put it over my face. My right hand on my stomach. I'm in the dark, but I can still feel everything around me.
Some1 talks to me. Directly. Looks at me directly. She wants to know why I'm so quiet. I don't move, don't say a word. "Why didn't you say what you were thinking? Why didn't you agree with them? Why didn't you even nod or shake your head? You just sat there, listening." Silence. The one-sided conversation continues for a bit.
Then she lies back down on her side, facing me. I think, "Because I don't want to... Because you don't need me to... Because this is just scary different..." (I don't know what I meant by any of that, but of course I knew in dream world.)
We're laying there for a while. No words. Weird feelings, on my part. Then Some1 asks, "Do you want me to hold you?" No reply. She asks again. Still no reply. What am I thinking? "I don't... want this." She turns me slightly onto my right side and puts her arms around me, rests her head on the back of my neck. The other three have disappeared without my noticing.
What do I think? "I don't want you to hold me..." But I don't move. "I want to hold you..." Still no movement. "Ahh, but this is... nice." I start to feel... different? I don't really know the word.
Then I woke up. At 0645. With my arms over my face and tears streaming out of my eyes. I don't know why I was crying when I woke up. Why was I crying in my sleep? This cannot be good.
I spent an hour, thinking about the dream. Not sure what I accomplished with that.
Then I fell asleep again. Had my second dream. But I don't really remember much from it.
Dream 2: There were naked people in my dream haha. In a shared bathroom. One of those naked dreams. At least I wasn't alone and I still had my pants on haha. Though, I was trying to cover up with a towel. Nighttime. Someone was following me. Some big guy. He scared me. He really scared me. He almost caught me in a room in a confusing building, in which I don't know how I got to that room. Just a lot of walking, turning, and looking back. I tried to ask people to help get rid of this guy. But people just laughed, said I was paranoid, said I shouldn't be so scared of a stranger. They laughed. Then they were all wearing clothes. I was still shirtless. Then he caught me. With all those people around, laughing.
I blink. I was somewhere else. With Mother. She was holding onto my arms. Shaking me? She was angry. Yelling. "You were caught!"
This second dream is really vague, but I have the feeling that I was fighting with both Mother and the stranger. They were both after me. I ran away from both.
I woke up crying from this one too. I don't know why my dreams are making me cry. I hate this. It's just about as bad as not knowing what happened in a dream that made me cry. This happened a few days ago or yesterday. Don't remember. I don't like that. Sleeping and crying, waking up not knowing. Or sleeping and crying, waking to know what but not why.
Not a good start to my day. Not that there was a start anyway. I got maybe five hours of very interrupted sleep.
Anyway, I should stay home for a few days, maybe a week. I heard Mother yelling at Brother this morning. I don't think going out will help. So much for no anger today. She's already angry. At me. My fault, I know. And I mean, that "angry at one, angry at all" thing. She's mad at me, but she took it out on Brother because he was awake. Though, she was angry at him for the same reason she's mad at him in the mornings. He wakes up too late and then complains about being late to work, as if it's not his fault. That's understandable anger on Mother's part. But she doesn't need to say the stuff she says. Stuff that has nothing to do with Brother's lateness. Stuff that we don't need to hear, especially on Christmas Eve. Today and tomorrow are supposed to be joyful, at least bearable.
Mm.. if you listen to one of these diatribes of hers, you might think they're not that bad. They probably aren't. I'm just weak, and I can't take any of the things she says. I'm probably blowing them out of proportion. I just don't like having to listen to them over and over again.
Ahh, I don't know what I'm gonna do today. Maybe read. Nothing else to do, except go on the computer. But I don't really want to. I need a fuckin' hobby. I need to occupy my time better. More productivity, distractions; less thinking, wasting time, bullshit.
Oh, I'll work on my list of resolutions. I'll try to put the official list up tonight or tomorrow.
Hope all is well.
Today wasn't planned at all...
And that may be why tonight didn't end so well for me..
Christmas Eve tomorrow, then Christmas. Regular days. Hopefully no anger to ensue. I can't deal with that now. It's Christmas. I'm not asking for anything. I just don't want any anger around here. Please. If there's going to be, could it be directed at something rather than someone? I would sincerely appreciate that. Really, no anger would be nice. In fact, I wouldn't mind if I was home alone the next two days. No risk of anger there. Or maybe two days of restful sleep. I wouldn't mind that. No one to bother me, to talk to me. I'd be happy.
I sound like a recluse.
Spent all morning and afternoon on the computer today (actually yesterday), converting YouTube videos to mp3s. Around 17h30, Mother and I went to D's. Then Maggie and Ariane invited me to go eat sushi. I went with them at 18h00. We didn't eat sushi. Instead, we stuffed ourselves with Red Robin burgers at Eastridge.
Then we went to Infinity Dance Studio for Ariane's dance class. Left around 22h15. Arrived at Palmia. Kiet picked us up in his van. Randy, Alex D, Ariel, and Andrew were there. Went downtown. Got a lil lost trying to find Christmas in the Park. Only because I couldn't figure out which way was north >_> The parking garage disoriented me.
Got to the park by like 23h04. Found Randy's Cupertino friends. Played "Catchphrase" for a bit. Took group photos. Kinda looked at the displays and whatnot, but nothing changed from last time, so I wasn't that interested XP
Walked to the Fairmont. Chilled for a while in the lobby or whatever it's called. Then went up on the elevator. Up a floor, I think. Found a piano. Randy, Andrew, Kiet, and Ariane played some music on the piano. I sat at the window. Looked over the ice rink.
Mother called, yelled, said things, and hung up. She wanted me home. It was before midnight. I tried to explain to her about the carpool thing. The group wanted to go karaoke afterward. I couldn't ask Kiet to drive me all the way home in the opposite direction..
But I told him I was in trouble, so he took me home anyway. I feel terrible..
Tonight was fun, just being with friends.... I love you guys a lot. I hate that I can't see you all very often. And every time I see any of you, I never wanna leave because I don't know when the next time I see you will be. I don't want to lose any time with you guys.
Tonight was supposed to be fun. And it was. For a lil while. Until I messed up.. I should have gone home early. Why didn't I fuckin' go home early?
I'm too selfish. I shouldn't want to go out this much. I keep fucking up. I need to stay home more. But I can't.
I'm stuck. I'm just fuckin' stuck.
And she's angry because of me. It's my fault. Because I just want to be around my friends. But I'm going out too much. I need to stop pissing her off.. I should stay home. But I don't want to. I don't do anything at home. At home, I'm just... alone and, I dunno, just not happy. But when I go out, I'm still alone but also happy for a while. Is this worth it? A few hours with friends for a few hours of bitching, blaming, and name-calling? I'm starting to think it's not worth it. Sorry.
But you know, I keep on doing this anyway. So I guess I'll go on pissing her off. She can go on being pissed off and saying the same things she always says. Why? Because I'm selfish, foolish, weak. Because she's angry, afraid. Because she's my mom and she's supposed to care this much, right? She's supposed to be this angry because she cares, right?
Later, when I wake up, I'm going to wish I didn't type this up, wish I didn't think like this, wish I'd let it go right now. But you know I need a reminder of how I used to be, how I used to think. All for future me to look back on and decide for real if I'm right or wrong for thinking like this.
This entry's more about the consequences than the actual fun of tonight.. Ugh..
Fuck, I just suck.. I wish I was stronger than I am. I wish... for a lot of things I shouldn't wish for. I should stop before I think anything worse of myself, right? Yeah. Though, I'm sure the thoughts will arise anyway. Ahhh.. I need to stop.. Let it go. Let it slide. Let it go. Let it slide.
Hope peoples had fun with karaoke and all.
Christmas Eve tomorrow, then Christmas. Regular days. Hopefully no anger to ensue. I can't deal with that now. It's Christmas. I'm not asking for anything. I just don't want any anger around here. Please. If there's going to be, could it be directed at something rather than someone? I would sincerely appreciate that. Really, no anger would be nice. In fact, I wouldn't mind if I was home alone the next two days. No risk of anger there. Or maybe two days of restful sleep. I wouldn't mind that. No one to bother me, to talk to me. I'd be happy.
I sound like a recluse.
Spent all morning and afternoon on the computer today (actually yesterday), converting YouTube videos to mp3s. Around 17h30, Mother and I went to D's. Then Maggie and Ariane invited me to go eat sushi. I went with them at 18h00. We didn't eat sushi. Instead, we stuffed ourselves with Red Robin burgers at Eastridge.
Then we went to Infinity Dance Studio for Ariane's dance class. Left around 22h15. Arrived at Palmia. Kiet picked us up in his van. Randy, Alex D, Ariel, and Andrew were there. Went downtown. Got a lil lost trying to find Christmas in the Park. Only because I couldn't figure out which way was north >_> The parking garage disoriented me.
Got to the park by like 23h04. Found Randy's Cupertino friends. Played "Catchphrase" for a bit. Took group photos. Kinda looked at the displays and whatnot, but nothing changed from last time, so I wasn't that interested XP
Walked to the Fairmont. Chilled for a while in the lobby or whatever it's called. Then went up on the elevator. Up a floor, I think. Found a piano. Randy, Andrew, Kiet, and Ariane played some music on the piano. I sat at the window. Looked over the ice rink.
Mother called, yelled, said things, and hung up. She wanted me home. It was before midnight. I tried to explain to her about the carpool thing. The group wanted to go karaoke afterward. I couldn't ask Kiet to drive me all the way home in the opposite direction..
But I told him I was in trouble, so he took me home anyway. I feel terrible..
Tonight was fun, just being with friends.... I love you guys a lot. I hate that I can't see you all very often. And every time I see any of you, I never wanna leave because I don't know when the next time I see you will be. I don't want to lose any time with you guys.
Tonight was supposed to be fun. And it was. For a lil while. Until I messed up.. I should have gone home early. Why didn't I fuckin' go home early?
I'm too selfish. I shouldn't want to go out this much. I keep fucking up. I need to stay home more. But I can't.
I'm stuck. I'm just fuckin' stuck.
And she's angry because of me. It's my fault. Because I just want to be around my friends. But I'm going out too much. I need to stop pissing her off.. I should stay home. But I don't want to. I don't do anything at home. At home, I'm just... alone and, I dunno, just not happy. But when I go out, I'm still alone but also happy for a while. Is this worth it? A few hours with friends for a few hours of bitching, blaming, and name-calling? I'm starting to think it's not worth it. Sorry.
But you know, I keep on doing this anyway. So I guess I'll go on pissing her off. She can go on being pissed off and saying the same things she always says. Why? Because I'm selfish, foolish, weak. Because she's angry, afraid. Because she's my mom and she's supposed to care this much, right? She's supposed to be this angry because she cares, right?
Later, when I wake up, I'm going to wish I didn't type this up, wish I didn't think like this, wish I'd let it go right now. But you know I need a reminder of how I used to be, how I used to think. All for future me to look back on and decide for real if I'm right or wrong for thinking like this.
This entry's more about the consequences than the actual fun of tonight.. Ugh..
Fuck, I just suck.. I wish I was stronger than I am. I wish... for a lot of things I shouldn't wish for. I should stop before I think anything worse of myself, right? Yeah. Though, I'm sure the thoughts will arise anyway. Ahhh.. I need to stop.. Let it go. Let it slide. Let it go. Let it slide.
Hope peoples had fun with karaoke and all.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Avatar, the movie
Entertaining, yes. Touching, maybe. Worth $13.50 for 3D, no.
I give it 7.5 or 8 out of 10. I haven't really decided, and yes there's a difference between 7.5 and 8. I liked it, but I thought the plot would be a lil bit more unpredictable. The movie had stereotypical characters. Or just characters that followed a stereotypical progress (you know, getting from ignorance to awareness). There was action, but I suppose not enough to satisfy the action junkie side of me :P
The CGI was quite amazing though. I also didn't know beforehand that this movie would be part live action, part CGI. I had thought it was going to be completely CGI. Anyway, the scenery and the fauna were just amazing and entrancing. This is where the 3D impressed me most. The panoramic view was just wow haha. The flora and fauna were so cool haha. I love that the plants light up upon touch. Just wonderful, you would never be alone in the dark.
I also didn't know that Sigourney Weaver was gonna be in this movie :D That was a pleasant surprise. I generally love the movies that she is in. Mm, Michelle Rodriguez was cool too. Though, I felt that her character Trudy added very little to the movie. Still, it's nice to know there are people/characters (aside from "treehuggers") who have consciences.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. It almost made me cry at one point. But really, I think it was just that one scene of destruction that tore at me. Mm, I liked how the Na'vi (I forgot what they actually call themselves >_> it was a really long word) are connected to each other and the world around them. A sense of unity and serenity. Contrasts greatly with the imperial/enterprising side of human nature. I'm sure that was definitely one of the purposes of the movie :P If it wasn't obvious enough. I think all the morals that you would/should learn from this movie are more than obvious. Kinda just thrown in your face, like Disney movies do.
Really though, it's a great movie. I just wouldn't suggest you watch it in 3D unless you wanted to see the amazing scenery through 3D. Oh yeah, the 3D was also pretty cool when you're looking from the perspective of the soldiers in their suits -nods-
Ah, there's much more I could say about what I like, but I need to stop and go to bed.
Oh, but yeah, I saw the movie with Alex D, Le, Randy, Andrew, Kat, Yohsuke(sp? Kat's bf), Jamila + her two cousins, Zameel, and his girlfriend. Hadn't seen any of these people for a while. Ranging from months to over a year ago :O Didn't get to talk to Jamila too much :/ Next time we chill will be full of conversation, mm hmm.
Anyway, after the movie, some of us headed over to Andrew's to play Rumbajub (that's what it sounds like they were saying). Actually called Rummikub. Kiet also joined us. The game was interesting. So sad that I had to leave after the first game, but I had promised Mother that I would be home before 1. I'll come back for more sometime this week >_> I must plaayyy >_< !! Withdrawal! After just one game, ahhh. Why, Andrew, whhyyy?? A pretty good night. Ok day/morning/afternoon that I don't really remember. I got stuff done though, I'm sure. Not sure how the rest of my break's gonna be. I really need to do more than just sit in front of the computer. Maybe get a headstart on those resolutions XP Need to get out -_-
Ok, I should probably get to bed now haha. Hmm, what other movies should I go watch?
I give it 7.5 or 8 out of 10. I haven't really decided, and yes there's a difference between 7.5 and 8. I liked it, but I thought the plot would be a lil bit more unpredictable. The movie had stereotypical characters. Or just characters that followed a stereotypical progress (you know, getting from ignorance to awareness). There was action, but I suppose not enough to satisfy the action junkie side of me :P
The CGI was quite amazing though. I also didn't know beforehand that this movie would be part live action, part CGI. I had thought it was going to be completely CGI. Anyway, the scenery and the fauna were just amazing and entrancing. This is where the 3D impressed me most. The panoramic view was just wow haha. The flora and fauna were so cool haha. I love that the plants light up upon touch. Just wonderful, you would never be alone in the dark.
I also didn't know that Sigourney Weaver was gonna be in this movie :D That was a pleasant surprise. I generally love the movies that she is in. Mm, Michelle Rodriguez was cool too. Though, I felt that her character Trudy added very little to the movie. Still, it's nice to know there are people/characters (aside from "treehuggers") who have consciences.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. It almost made me cry at one point. But really, I think it was just that one scene of destruction that tore at me. Mm, I liked how the Na'vi (I forgot what they actually call themselves >_> it was a really long word) are connected to each other and the world around them. A sense of unity and serenity. Contrasts greatly with the imperial/enterprising side of human nature. I'm sure that was definitely one of the purposes of the movie :P If it wasn't obvious enough. I think all the morals that you would/should learn from this movie are more than obvious. Kinda just thrown in your face, like Disney movies do.
Really though, it's a great movie. I just wouldn't suggest you watch it in 3D unless you wanted to see the amazing scenery through 3D. Oh yeah, the 3D was also pretty cool when you're looking from the perspective of the soldiers in their suits -nods-
Ah, there's much more I could say about what I like, but I need to stop and go to bed.
Oh, but yeah, I saw the movie with Alex D, Le, Randy, Andrew, Kat, Yohsuke(sp? Kat's bf), Jamila + her two cousins, Zameel, and his girlfriend. Hadn't seen any of these people for a while. Ranging from months to over a year ago :O Didn't get to talk to Jamila too much :/ Next time we chill will be full of conversation, mm hmm.
Anyway, after the movie, some of us headed over to Andrew's to play Rumbajub (that's what it sounds like they were saying). Actually called Rummikub. Kiet also joined us. The game was interesting. So sad that I had to leave after the first game, but I had promised Mother that I would be home before 1. I'll come back for more sometime this week >_> I must plaayyy >_< !! Withdrawal! After just one game, ahhh. Why, Andrew, whhyyy?? A pretty good night. Ok day/morning/afternoon that I don't really remember. I got stuff done though, I'm sure. Not sure how the rest of my break's gonna be. I really need to do more than just sit in front of the computer. Maybe get a headstart on those resolutions XP Need to get out -_-
Ok, I should probably get to bed now haha. Hmm, what other movies should I go watch?
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Less than two weeks till the new decade starts...
So, as you already know, I'm not much of a Christmas person (errr well, holiday person). But I try to be cheerful and whatnot around this time of the year just because I should. It's nice to end the year happily and all, you know?
I never really give gifts because I don't make any money. And I find it pathetic to use my family's money to get gifts for them. Plus, I never know what to get for anyone. Mother and Brother like expensive, "pretty" or "cool" things. I am not a good judge of any of that XP
I don't even know what kind of gifts to give to my friends. How sad. What do you guys want? For now, all I can give you are hugs. The real kind, I promise. Or well, I'll try ^_^;
Me, you already have my short list from one of my October entries. But I think Brother will probably buy a few of those for me. Even though, he should be saving up his money -_- but he won't listen to me..
You know, I kinda miss having a Christmas tree to decorate. It's been like four years since we gave away our fake tree. Ever since then, it feels like Christmas is just another day to get through, especially since we don't celebrate it in the first place.
Before reaching my teen years, I used to be excited for Christmas. Anticipating the morning during which Brother and I would rip open our presents and be proud of the gifts that we believed we deserved. Having no idea how much these moments meant to the adults who watched over us. Just an overall good, united(?) feeling.
Nowadays, it feels like it doesn't really matter. Gift-giving is so... obligatory. Even when we don't have enough money to buy all this stuff. I don't know why, but none of the holiday spirit feels the same anymore.
I think I feel this way because none of them listen to me. I say I don't want anything, but they force me to get things I don't need. If I don't choose anything, they'll get angry and call me ungrateful. But I am grateful for their generosity, their love, and all that good stuff. I just don't want to feel like I'm forced to be grateful. And really, what I want for Christmas is for all of us to be together and just talk. But we don't really do that anymore. We haven't done that. We never really talk. And I would imagine that if we try now, it would be very awkward and whatever. After so many years of this, I'm not sure we could ever start doing that.
So for now, I'll settle for our happy little ways of enjoying the holidays through materialism. Brother can go buy all the gifts he wants to buy for us. Mother can buy all the Buche de Noel she wants. We won't talk; we won't get to know each other. We'll just settle for what we see on the surface. And you know it's been good for us all these years. A few more years of it shouldn't hurt.
Ahaha, so negative. I can't stay away from the negative. Really, I don't know if I like Christmas. It's just another day. I don't know what's so special about it. I want it to feel special, but it doesn't. I think I only like it a lil bit because it means only a week is left in the year. The new year then comes around, and I can "start over." Fresh. Or as fresh as possible. Fresh mind, fresh thoughts, fresh goals. Nothing to bog me down because I let everything from the past year go. For the most part. And, you know, the new year just makes me want to be a new person. Kinda. It's silly, but going into a new year feels like getting a new chance.
Of course, that's all in my head. I'll still be the same person. Just working on new resolutions and whatnot. Starting the year off with high hopes that slowly dwindle as the year passes. Until the next year starts. I guess you could say going into a new year is like getting an HP boost haha. Hm.
Anyway, here are my potential resolutions for 2010. I'm just gonna list them out here and explain them, so that I remember why I want to do these things in the first place. Then I'll eliminate some and re-list the rest, so it will be easier for me to remember and more probable that I'll accomplish them :P I might do the print-and-carry thing again.
+Drink one bottle of water a day.
- I need to get healthy. Been drinking too much juice this past year.
+Get a job.
- I need to take care of myself instead of relying on my family for everything. Slowly become more independent this way, yes?
+Choose a major.
- I feel like I'm wasting time in college. So I'm hoping I can decide on a major by March. I don't want to waste any more time.
+Meditate for 10 minutes daily.
- I need to de-stress. Yes, I do stress, even if I don't act like I do. I should figure out when the best time to do this is.
+Do __ push-ups, __ crunches, __ chin-ups every day.
+Do a daily physical activity: Jog a mile. Walk. Bike. Swim. Skate. Do weight training. Skateboard.
- Again, healthy stuff. Need to add in numbers. Though, I'm pretty sure I won't get the chin-ups right for a while XP I'll need assistance haha. And maybe not a daily physical activity XP More like at least twice a week haha.
+Spend a maximum of __ hours on AIM per day.
- I've been on AIM every day for the past two months. And I talk to two or three people on AIM now, or I'm usually away. I need to be more productive and to not log on at all haha.
+Spend a maximum of __ hours on the Internet per day.
- I find myself playing games too often. I would rather read or sleep, but the Internet is just so damn tempting. I need to be stricter about how long I stay on the computer. This year, I was somewhat successful. Well, at least during the first half of the year XP And I should decide if watching movies and TV shows online counts or is excluded. Of course, this time limit excludes the time I spend online for homework.
+Go to Anime Expo 2010.
- I want to go at least one more time. Plus, it's like the only time I could ever travel anywhere with friends. Aaand I would get to see some SoCal friends :D because some of them are planning on going next year.
+Learn how to play piano or guitar.
- I want a musical hobby. I just need to get an instrument first. Or use someone else's. And for this year, I can settle for learning notes, chords, sight reading, and simple songs.
+Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
- I want to be trilingual ^_^ I'm gonna take French 1A next semester. And I'll probably ask D or a friend to teach me some Viet haha. Better French accent, broader Viet vocabulary. Really, I just want to at least get better at writing, reading, and aurally understanding both languages.
+Get out of bed by 0700 every day.
- Just furthering one of this year's resolutions (become a morning person). I want to feel productive, and getting up early helps me feel that way.
+Achieve: No anger. No Complaints.
- I've been very angry for a while now. That needs to change. I need to learn how to let go. For real.
+Avoid hard liquor.
- I don't want to get sick every time I go to a party XP Never good. No control. I'll stick to either sobriety or the weak alc from now on.
+Talk to people.
- I need to start the conversation with more people. I'm always waiting for people to talk to me. I can't keep waiting like this.
+Go out with friends weekly.
- I just can't be stuck at home all the time. If I keep doing what I've been doing this semester, I should be ok.
+Eat two servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
- Again, heeeaaalthy.
+Don't drive too fast. Don't rush.
- I want to avoid car crashes. At least those that would probably be caused by me.
+Do not doubt myself.
- I'm not sure how I'll pull this off, but I'm sure I hold myself back a lot, too much, too often. I need to have courage haha.
+Be honest.
- I've tried this once or twice before. Not completely successful. At least not with family. I just need courage. I wanna be like John Gotti :P "I never lie because I don't fear anyone. You only lie when you're afraid." Quite true.
+Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone (from atop a building/hill/something tall).
- I just wanna see an unobstructed sunrise/sunset to admire its beauty and whatnot. And I don't want to be alone.
+Obsess less.
- I've been thinking too much for a while. I can't keep my head on straight. No focus. Couldn't concentrate on what little homework I had at the end of semester. Need a clearer head. Less weight and all that.
I feel these are achievable. I just need to figure out how to achieve some of them. Any help from you would be greatly appreciated :)
Anyone wanna teach me anything, like how to rollerblade or skateboard?
2010 Resolutions simplified:
1. Follow: No anger. No Complaints.
2. Get out of bed by 0700 every day.
3. Meditate for 10 minutes daily.
4. Do 20 push-ups, 20 crunches, 20 chin-ups per day.
5. Do a physical activity at least twice a week.
6. Drink a bottle of water a day.
7. Eat two servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
8. Spend a maximum of 3 hours on the Internet/AIM per day.
9. Avoid liquor that is 80 proof or greater.
10. Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
11. Do not doubt myself.
12. Choose a major by March 31.
13. Get a job by summertime.
14. Prepare for and go to Anime Expo 2010.
15. Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone.
Simple enough
Doubtful
Very doubtful
Still a lot of resolutions, yeah? I can't help it. At least there are fewer this year. I hope I can make these work. I might edit the list one more time another day. But for now, this is it. They're not listed by priority this time. I think I just put all the daily/gradual stuff first and the rest last.
I had so much trouble thinking of things, but then I thought of a lot eventually XP Simple things really. I'm just not sure if I can keep myself motivated enough to stick to them.
Yeaah. Wooo, I spent three hours on this resolution thing. I have no life XP Well, I'm trying to make mine better a lil bit haha.
Ok, now I should be off to finish the rest of my to-do list for today, yaayyy.
I never really give gifts because I don't make any money. And I find it pathetic to use my family's money to get gifts for them. Plus, I never know what to get for anyone. Mother and Brother like expensive, "pretty" or "cool" things. I am not a good judge of any of that XP
I don't even know what kind of gifts to give to my friends. How sad. What do you guys want? For now, all I can give you are hugs. The real kind, I promise. Or well, I'll try ^_^;
Me, you already have my short list from one of my October entries. But I think Brother will probably buy a few of those for me. Even though, he should be saving up his money -_- but he won't listen to me..
You know, I kinda miss having a Christmas tree to decorate. It's been like four years since we gave away our fake tree. Ever since then, it feels like Christmas is just another day to get through, especially since we don't celebrate it in the first place.
Before reaching my teen years, I used to be excited for Christmas. Anticipating the morning during which Brother and I would rip open our presents and be proud of the gifts that we believed we deserved. Having no idea how much these moments meant to the adults who watched over us. Just an overall good, united(?) feeling.
Nowadays, it feels like it doesn't really matter. Gift-giving is so... obligatory. Even when we don't have enough money to buy all this stuff. I don't know why, but none of the holiday spirit feels the same anymore.
I think I feel this way because none of them listen to me. I say I don't want anything, but they force me to get things I don't need. If I don't choose anything, they'll get angry and call me ungrateful. But I am grateful for their generosity, their love, and all that good stuff. I just don't want to feel like I'm forced to be grateful. And really, what I want for Christmas is for all of us to be together and just talk. But we don't really do that anymore. We haven't done that. We never really talk. And I would imagine that if we try now, it would be very awkward and whatever. After so many years of this, I'm not sure we could ever start doing that.
So for now, I'll settle for our happy little ways of enjoying the holidays through materialism. Brother can go buy all the gifts he wants to buy for us. Mother can buy all the Buche de Noel she wants. We won't talk; we won't get to know each other. We'll just settle for what we see on the surface. And you know it's been good for us all these years. A few more years of it shouldn't hurt.
Ahaha, so negative. I can't stay away from the negative. Really, I don't know if I like Christmas. It's just another day. I don't know what's so special about it. I want it to feel special, but it doesn't. I think I only like it a lil bit because it means only a week is left in the year. The new year then comes around, and I can "start over." Fresh. Or as fresh as possible. Fresh mind, fresh thoughts, fresh goals. Nothing to bog me down because I let everything from the past year go. For the most part. And, you know, the new year just makes me want to be a new person. Kinda. It's silly, but going into a new year feels like getting a new chance.
Of course, that's all in my head. I'll still be the same person. Just working on new resolutions and whatnot. Starting the year off with high hopes that slowly dwindle as the year passes. Until the next year starts. I guess you could say going into a new year is like getting an HP boost haha. Hm.
Anyway, here are my potential resolutions for 2010. I'm just gonna list them out here and explain them, so that I remember why I want to do these things in the first place. Then I'll eliminate some and re-list the rest, so it will be easier for me to remember and more probable that I'll accomplish them :P I might do the print-and-carry thing again.
+Drink one bottle of water a day.
- I need to get healthy. Been drinking too much juice this past year.
+Get a job.
- I need to take care of myself instead of relying on my family for everything. Slowly become more independent this way, yes?
+Choose a major.
- I feel like I'm wasting time in college. So I'm hoping I can decide on a major by March. I don't want to waste any more time.
+Meditate for 10 minutes daily.
- I need to de-stress. Yes, I do stress, even if I don't act like I do. I should figure out when the best time to do this is.
+Do __ push-ups, __ crunches, __ chin-ups every day.
+Do a daily physical activity: Jog a mile. Walk. Bike. Swim. Skate. Do weight training. Skateboard.
- Again, healthy stuff. Need to add in numbers. Though, I'm pretty sure I won't get the chin-ups right for a while XP I'll need assistance haha. And maybe not a daily physical activity XP More like at least twice a week haha.
+Spend a maximum of __ hours on AIM per day.
- I've been on AIM every day for the past two months. And I talk to two or three people on AIM now, or I'm usually away. I need to be more productive and to not log on at all haha.
+Spend a maximum of __ hours on the Internet per day.
- I find myself playing games too often. I would rather read or sleep, but the Internet is just so damn tempting. I need to be stricter about how long I stay on the computer. This year, I was somewhat successful. Well, at least during the first half of the year XP And I should decide if watching movies and TV shows online counts or is excluded. Of course, this time limit excludes the time I spend online for homework.
+Go to Anime Expo 2010.
- I want to go at least one more time. Plus, it's like the only time I could ever travel anywhere with friends. Aaand I would get to see some SoCal friends :D because some of them are planning on going next year.
+Learn how to play piano or guitar.
- I want a musical hobby. I just need to get an instrument first. Or use someone else's. And for this year, I can settle for learning notes, chords, sight reading, and simple songs.
+Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
- I want to be trilingual ^_^ I'm gonna take French 1A next semester. And I'll probably ask D or a friend to teach me some Viet haha. Better French accent, broader Viet vocabulary. Really, I just want to at least get better at writing, reading, and aurally understanding both languages.
+Get out of bed by 0700 every day.
- Just furthering one of this year's resolutions (become a morning person). I want to feel productive, and getting up early helps me feel that way.
+Achieve: No anger. No Complaints.
- I've been very angry for a while now. That needs to change. I need to learn how to let go. For real.
+Avoid hard liquor.
- I don't want to get sick every time I go to a party XP Never good. No control. I'll stick to either sobriety or the weak alc from now on.
+Talk to people.
- I need to start the conversation with more people. I'm always waiting for people to talk to me. I can't keep waiting like this.
+Go out with friends weekly.
- I just can't be stuck at home all the time. If I keep doing what I've been doing this semester, I should be ok.
+Eat two servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
- Again, heeeaaalthy.
+Don't drive too fast. Don't rush.
- I want to avoid car crashes. At least those that would probably be caused by me.
+Do not doubt myself.
- I'm not sure how I'll pull this off, but I'm sure I hold myself back a lot, too much, too often. I need to have courage haha.
+Be honest.
- I've tried this once or twice before. Not completely successful. At least not with family. I just need courage. I wanna be like John Gotti :P "I never lie because I don't fear anyone. You only lie when you're afraid." Quite true.
+Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone (from atop a building/hill/something tall).
- I just wanna see an unobstructed sunrise/sunset to admire its beauty and whatnot. And I don't want to be alone.
+Obsess less.
- I've been thinking too much for a while. I can't keep my head on straight. No focus. Couldn't concentrate on what little homework I had at the end of semester. Need a clearer head. Less weight and all that.
I feel these are achievable. I just need to figure out how to achieve some of them. Any help from you would be greatly appreciated :)
Anyone wanna teach me anything, like how to rollerblade or skateboard?
2010 Resolutions simplified:
1. Follow: No anger. No Complaints.
2. Get out of bed by 0700 every day.
3. Meditate for 10 minutes daily.
4. Do 20 push-ups, 20 crunches, 20 chin-ups per day.
5. Do a physical activity at least twice a week.
6. Drink a bottle of water a day.
7. Eat two servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
8. Spend a maximum of 3 hours on the Internet/AIM per day.
9. Avoid liquor that is 80 proof or greater.
10. Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
11. Do not doubt myself.
12. Choose a major by March 31.
13. Get a job by summertime.
14. Prepare for and go to Anime Expo 2010.
15. Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone.
Simple enough
Doubtful
Very doubtful
Still a lot of resolutions, yeah? I can't help it. At least there are fewer this year. I hope I can make these work. I might edit the list one more time another day. But for now, this is it. They're not listed by priority this time. I think I just put all the daily/gradual stuff first and the rest last.
I had so much trouble thinking of things, but then I thought of a lot eventually XP Simple things really. I'm just not sure if I can keep myself motivated enough to stick to them.
Yeaah. Wooo, I spent three hours on this resolution thing. I have no life XP Well, I'm trying to make mine better a lil bit haha.
Ok, now I should be off to finish the rest of my to-do list for today, yaayyy.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
It was supposed to rain...
yesterday and today, but it didn't :/ I'm disappointed. Anyway...
Yesterday was my last final. Physics. I finished in 35 minutes. Then I sat at a bench until Lisa finished her final around 0900. Then I followed her to the SSC and to the OT office. Then home. I didn't wanna go home, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. So might as well go home. Got home before 10h00 :O But no one was home. Alone to think. I didn't really do anything though. I just kinda sat there, trying not to think anything stupid. Failed.
Stupid thinking should be avoided as best as possible.
In the evening, I had to go to D's because Mother wanted me to drive (her back still hurts from the car accident). I just used D's computer to do stuff. No AIM. Yay Meebo. Confirmed the ST visit with Albert and Lisa (via text). Robert couldn't go :( Linda Dang was to join us. Oh, also decided to go to Christmas in the Park with Shiva for a lil bit before she left for SoCal today.
Went home. Talked to Harrison and Trieu online for a bit. Jobs and drinking, respectively. Surprising, yes? :P
Ah, my family's over the 700-minute limit. The billing cycle ends on Friday. Brother calls people too much. Bah! Not that I really have anyone to call. But if anyone does call me, it's gonna add more overage -_- I don't want to be yelled at. Again.
Anyway, today, Lisa picked me up around noon to go visit ST. Went to Starbucks. Linda Dang met up with us in there. Then Albert came. Then Marielle and Ariane (totally unexpected!!). Then finally Trieu. Linda had to leave, though, to go to SJC (the airport) to pick someone up.
Anyway, the rest of us visited Curry. Waved to Madame in her classroom. The new Rasmussen told us to get off campus. Don't know his actual name >_> Ariane left for SF. Rest of us visited a few other teachers, including Lum, Dimas, and Schwalen. Hugs, hugs, hugs. Well, I have them the pat-side-hug that is typical of me. Or the arms-loosely-wrapped hugs. I realize I don't give real hugs, at least not often, but more on that later in the entry...
Stayed on campus until about 1500. The group kinda dissipated as time went by. But yeah, today was just chill and laidback.
Lisa drove me, Albert, and her sister home.
I waited for Mother to come home with the car, so that I could go Christmas in the park with Shiva. I tried to convince Shiva online that I should drive her to the airport that's only ten minutes away from campus. But no, she wouldn't give. Brian's dad would drive her instead.
Yeah, so Mother came home, and I took the car. I got to campus around 1700. She and I walked to Christmas in the Park. Popcorn, big bags of popcorn. Little kiddie rides :P The large menorah. When Shiva stopped to take a picture of it, Rose and Tommy were there and said hi to me. Then they left.
And somehow Shiva knew >_> Her intuition is good. Or so she would like me to believe. Aaanyway... Christmas in the Park is quite pretty at night. Not that many people, but I'm sure it's cuz it's a weekday or something. I dunno. Didn't get to stay very long because Brian and his dad came waayyy early. Like an hour or so early (so we didn't get to chill for very long. We would have if she had let me drive her). So Shiva and I headed back to her apartment, got her luggage, went to get her mail, and walked to 7th St.
Luggage in the van. I gave her a hug. Told her I'd be sad if she didn't come back next semester, which would be true. I would be. Very. Waved goodbye and walked back to my car.
Now, I'm home, thinking again -sigh-
So the hugs thing... I hug my friends. Of course, I do. Or I try anyway. But there are different types of hugs. For me, there are hugs, and there are real hugs (though, I still just call these "hugs"). My friends give me real hugs. I don't. A real hug is where you wrap your arms around the other person, and it's a tight hug, a strong one. Like, you're letting the other person know you want to hug them. My hugs (sorry, people) are not tight or strong. I just kinda wrap my arms (or one arm) around loosely and then let go as soon as possible. Sometimes, I do the pat-the-back hug.
All this time, I thought I was hugging people. But I realize I don't do it how I should or how I should want to. But hey, at least I try? I don't just stand there anymore. At least I have a reaction (wrap arms around). Yeah. I still suck. I've given real hugs before, I'm sure. I just don't remember the last time I did. Though, I think today I gave Trieu a semi-real hug haha. And yeah... >_>
I don't know why I pay attention to this. Still. I'm lame. I'm thinking too much. Every time I hug people, I have to think about it before I do it. Even with the ones that I used to always hug. I think, just about every time I gave anyone a strong hug, I had to think to myself, "Oh, I should probably hug them tighter." Usually on birthdays. Mm hmm.
If you're reading this and thinking about all the hugs I've given you, please don't feel bad or offended. I don't mean to. I'm just trying to be honest. Yeaah.
Mm, so that's all I have to say right now, I think. We should all get together this break. Party or something :P It would be wonderful if we could get the whole gang from high school together. Catch up and whatnot. Mm hmm....
Opportunities. Intentionally or not. Not. My head doesn't want to think anything. It's thinking the wrong thing. Ideal. I'm messing things up in my mind. Intentionally or not. Ahhh.. I wish... Never mind.
My mind feels jumbled. Thoughts are crossing over and such. I need sleep -__- Restful sleep. I can't get restful sleep. Even though, it's finally break. Ahh, I hope my sleep goes back to normal. It would be nice. Less tiring. Less yeah... I just need to work things out with myself. Slowly, but surely, I will get this shit right. I'm not gonna f things up. I need to make decisions. Decisive decisions XP that will hopefully be good for me, for family, for everyone. Or else I'm gonna torture myself for who knows how long.. And I've seen how torture affects people. Ain't pretty. I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna lose. Not like that.
-sigh- Not soo negative today. Just eh -shrug- I should go to bed early. But I won't. I might end up finishing Forever Odd, finally. Yeah.
I realize I didn't talk too much today. I usually talk much more than I did today. Hm. Still a pretty good day, or it feels that way.
Yesterday was my last final. Physics. I finished in 35 minutes. Then I sat at a bench until Lisa finished her final around 0900. Then I followed her to the SSC and to the OT office. Then home. I didn't wanna go home, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. So might as well go home. Got home before 10h00 :O But no one was home. Alone to think. I didn't really do anything though. I just kinda sat there, trying not to think anything stupid. Failed.
Stupid thinking should be avoided as best as possible.
In the evening, I had to go to D's because Mother wanted me to drive (her back still hurts from the car accident). I just used D's computer to do stuff. No AIM. Yay Meebo. Confirmed the ST visit with Albert and Lisa (via text). Robert couldn't go :( Linda Dang was to join us. Oh, also decided to go to Christmas in the Park with Shiva for a lil bit before she left for SoCal today.
Went home. Talked to Harrison and Trieu online for a bit. Jobs and drinking, respectively. Surprising, yes? :P
Ah, my family's over the 700-minute limit. The billing cycle ends on Friday. Brother calls people too much. Bah! Not that I really have anyone to call. But if anyone does call me, it's gonna add more overage -_- I don't want to be yelled at. Again.
Anyway, today, Lisa picked me up around noon to go visit ST. Went to Starbucks. Linda Dang met up with us in there. Then Albert came. Then Marielle and Ariane (totally unexpected!!). Then finally Trieu. Linda had to leave, though, to go to SJC (the airport) to pick someone up.
Anyway, the rest of us visited Curry. Waved to Madame in her classroom. The new Rasmussen told us to get off campus. Don't know his actual name >_> Ariane left for SF. Rest of us visited a few other teachers, including Lum, Dimas, and Schwalen. Hugs, hugs, hugs. Well, I have them the pat-side-hug that is typical of me. Or the arms-loosely-wrapped hugs. I realize I don't give real hugs, at least not often, but more on that later in the entry...
Stayed on campus until about 1500. The group kinda dissipated as time went by. But yeah, today was just chill and laidback.
Lisa drove me, Albert, and her sister home.
I waited for Mother to come home with the car, so that I could go Christmas in the park with Shiva. I tried to convince Shiva online that I should drive her to the airport that's only ten minutes away from campus. But no, she wouldn't give. Brian's dad would drive her instead.
Yeah, so Mother came home, and I took the car. I got to campus around 1700. She and I walked to Christmas in the Park. Popcorn, big bags of popcorn. Little kiddie rides :P The large menorah. When Shiva stopped to take a picture of it, Rose and Tommy were there and said hi to me. Then they left.
And somehow Shiva knew >_> Her intuition is good. Or so she would like me to believe. Aaanyway... Christmas in the Park is quite pretty at night. Not that many people, but I'm sure it's cuz it's a weekday or something. I dunno. Didn't get to stay very long because Brian and his dad came waayyy early. Like an hour or so early (so we didn't get to chill for very long. We would have if she had let me drive her). So Shiva and I headed back to her apartment, got her luggage, went to get her mail, and walked to 7th St.
Luggage in the van. I gave her a hug. Told her I'd be sad if she didn't come back next semester, which would be true. I would be. Very. Waved goodbye and walked back to my car.
Now, I'm home, thinking again -sigh-
So the hugs thing... I hug my friends. Of course, I do. Or I try anyway. But there are different types of hugs. For me, there are hugs, and there are real hugs (though, I still just call these "hugs"). My friends give me real hugs. I don't. A real hug is where you wrap your arms around the other person, and it's a tight hug, a strong one. Like, you're letting the other person know you want to hug them. My hugs (sorry, people) are not tight or strong. I just kinda wrap my arms (or one arm) around loosely and then let go as soon as possible. Sometimes, I do the pat-the-back hug.
All this time, I thought I was hugging people. But I realize I don't do it how I should or how I should want to. But hey, at least I try? I don't just stand there anymore. At least I have a reaction (wrap arms around). Yeah. I still suck. I've given real hugs before, I'm sure. I just don't remember the last time I did. Though, I think today I gave Trieu a semi-real hug haha. And yeah... >_>
I don't know why I pay attention to this. Still. I'm lame. I'm thinking too much. Every time I hug people, I have to think about it before I do it. Even with the ones that I used to always hug. I think, just about every time I gave anyone a strong hug, I had to think to myself, "Oh, I should probably hug them tighter." Usually on birthdays. Mm hmm.
If you're reading this and thinking about all the hugs I've given you, please don't feel bad or offended. I don't mean to. I'm just trying to be honest. Yeaah.
Mm, so that's all I have to say right now, I think. We should all get together this break. Party or something :P It would be wonderful if we could get the whole gang from high school together. Catch up and whatnot. Mm hmm....
Opportunities. Intentionally or not. Not. My head doesn't want to think anything. It's thinking the wrong thing. Ideal. I'm messing things up in my mind. Intentionally or not. Ahhh.. I wish... Never mind.
My mind feels jumbled. Thoughts are crossing over and such. I need sleep -__- Restful sleep. I can't get restful sleep. Even though, it's finally break. Ahh, I hope my sleep goes back to normal. It would be nice. Less tiring. Less yeah... I just need to work things out with myself. Slowly, but surely, I will get this shit right. I'm not gonna f things up. I need to make decisions. Decisive decisions XP that will hopefully be good for me, for family, for everyone. Or else I'm gonna torture myself for who knows how long.. And I've seen how torture affects people. Ain't pretty. I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna lose. Not like that.
-sigh- Not soo negative today. Just eh -shrug- I should go to bed early. But I won't. I might end up finishing Forever Odd, finally. Yeah.
I realize I didn't talk too much today. I usually talk much more than I did today. Hm. Still a pretty good day, or it feels that way.
Monday, December 14, 2009
I was left behind...
in a dream this afternoon :(
Driving, I was following Kat, Alex D, Jeisun, Ariane, Maggie, and a few other people to an airport. They were all wearing summer clothes and carrying luggage. I was wearing sweats and holding my hockey stick. When we were at the airport, I didn't know why we were there or why I followed them. Then it hit me. I asked them if they were going to Expo 2010. They said yes. "But it's May. Isn't it supposed to be in July?" "Yes, usually it is, but this year they changed it. They had planned to push it back to September, but people wanted it to happen earlier." D: I was devastated because I didn't know. Someone asked, "Sorry, we forgot to invite you. Do you still wanna go with us?" I thought about it. Of course I wanted to go. There were people in SoCal that I wanted to visit (Faces actually appeared in my dream mind, and those people really do live in SoCal). But we were an hour away from my house. No time to get a plane ticket, pack, and get on the plane. So I said, "It's too late.. You guys have fun." I looked at my hockey stick, swung it a little, and then walked back to my car, feeling sad that I couldn't go.
This was one of those rare dreams, in which I felt like I could think. When I woke up, I almost cried. It felt so real. But I quickly realized that it's still December. Mm...
Anyway, today, I took my AAS final at 0715. 20 mulitple choice with a bonus for spelling "Afghanistan" correctly and four (out of six) short essay questions. I think I only got two of the four essays right :/ I finished around 0845. Headed over to Shiva's to print out my Philosophy one-page final paper (Last night, my ink had dried out on the last two lines of the paper -_-). Got my paper, thanked Shiva, wished luck on finals, and left. Turned in my paper at the Philosophy Center/Office/whatever it's called.
Then I spent more than two and a half hours sitting at a bench. Thinking. Or actually, not thinking. What a change. I didn't think much about anything today. Must have been because of the two hours of restless sleep I got this morning. Went to bed around 0100 after I finished my paper. Couldn't fall asleep until 0300. Woke up at 0445. Light rail at 0600 in the morning, very empty. I like it. I might go that early again tomorrow. Though, if I wanna ride the light rail with Lisa, I should probably leave later. Eh -shrug-
Anyway, though I spent most of my time on the bench not thinking and just watching a guy clear out the leaves on the walkways for two hours, the very little thinking I did was interesting, I s'pose. I thought about how little I thought haha. I didn't know what to think about. Oh, there were a lot of little kids on campus today. Field trips. First graders. So many lil kids, scary -_-
My mind was/is really blank today. I can't recall much of anything that I did think about. I can't even remember what Lisa and I were talking about when she drove me home ):
Mm, unimportant stuff: I downgraded my AIM from 7.1 to 6.9. I gave AIM 7 a chance for a few weeks, but it just doesn't appeal to me. Though AIM 6.9 isn't all that great either, it's a lil better than 7. Well, I'm just saying that because I got used to it for several months. 7 just had too many changes. Too much. Mm, with AIM 6, I can use the Music Link plugin again too. It's been a long time since I've used that. A few people used it yesterday, and it brought back memories :) So yeah, I think I'll just use that as my AIM statuses from now on or something. I'll learn to not be compulsive about changing statuses so often. I need to obsess about it less haha.
I still can't get over how dead AIM is now. For me anyway. I talk to like six people. And I don't really have regular conversation with any of them. Mm. The other 29 people on the list are usually not online or always away. They have lives haha. I need to find a life (I feel like I've said this before). I should just forget AIM, but I have those letting-go issues XP and sometimes, someone wants to talk to me. I guess I just want people to want to talk to me more, but I'm not really doing anything about it. Really, I just don't know what to say :P I just want people to talk, so I have someone to listen to.
I just want to listen.
-sigh- I'm still tired, even though I took like a four-hour nap, during which I had the dream. I might actually go to bed early tonight. Hope for a good dream, for restful sleep. Though, I haven't had restful sleep for a long while now. Blahh...
My dreams lately, whatever I can remember, have been weird. They feel related, but I don't know how they relate. They just feel like it. I dunno what I'm trying to say now. My head is really heavy and just... not good. Egh, I'm not good with words right now. It makes me worried about my Philosophy paper XP
Ok, one more final tomorrow morning. I might sit at a bench again. I don't know yet. I'll probably finish the Physics final in half an hour. I seriously don't think it will take me too long. Maybe I'll just wait for Lisa. Maybe I'll just walk around. I don't know. I don't wanna go home early. Though, I should just so I can sleep. Meh. Mm, most likely will visit ST on Wednesday with Lisa, Albert, and Robert. Might be Mole Day. Well, at least for Vokt's class. Don't know about Worden's.
I need to think about next semester. Going home after dark for the first two months of the semester. Not sure the bike thing will go well at all with Mother. Maybe in the second half, after Daylight Savings Time starts. Mm, long school days. Should try to fill in my days with eventful or productive things. Might not be seeing or hanging out with the same people I had this semester :( That thought saddens me. Seriously.
akjdljfadljkjf My head is just blaahhh right now. The thinking's coming back. Must mean I'm lucid again. You know, now that I'm thinking, I realize I don't need to bring my backpack tomorrow. Just a pencil and a scantron. But ah, I'll bring my backpack anyway. I'm lame like that haha. Hm, I hope I can focus on some reading tomorrow. I still haven't finished Forever Odd. Want to start Brother Odd soon. Want to find the fourth installment in the series. Then maybe find Koontz's new Breathless. I saw it in Barnes & Nobles on Friday. Also, Shiva told me I should read Brave New World. Hm, I've heard about the novel. I'm kinda surprised none of my high school teachers had it as required reading. Every other student I know seems to have read it.
Eh, I don't know if there's anything I want to say, but I don't want to end this entry :/ Must be something more... I guess not.
Driving, I was following Kat, Alex D, Jeisun, Ariane, Maggie, and a few other people to an airport. They were all wearing summer clothes and carrying luggage. I was wearing sweats and holding my hockey stick. When we were at the airport, I didn't know why we were there or why I followed them. Then it hit me. I asked them if they were going to Expo 2010. They said yes. "But it's May. Isn't it supposed to be in July?" "Yes, usually it is, but this year they changed it. They had planned to push it back to September, but people wanted it to happen earlier." D: I was devastated because I didn't know. Someone asked, "Sorry, we forgot to invite you. Do you still wanna go with us?" I thought about it. Of course I wanted to go. There were people in SoCal that I wanted to visit (Faces actually appeared in my dream mind, and those people really do live in SoCal). But we were an hour away from my house. No time to get a plane ticket, pack, and get on the plane. So I said, "It's too late.. You guys have fun." I looked at my hockey stick, swung it a little, and then walked back to my car, feeling sad that I couldn't go.
This was one of those rare dreams, in which I felt like I could think. When I woke up, I almost cried. It felt so real. But I quickly realized that it's still December. Mm...
Anyway, today, I took my AAS final at 0715. 20 mulitple choice with a bonus for spelling "Afghanistan" correctly and four (out of six) short essay questions. I think I only got two of the four essays right :/ I finished around 0845. Headed over to Shiva's to print out my Philosophy one-page final paper (Last night, my ink had dried out on the last two lines of the paper -_-). Got my paper, thanked Shiva, wished luck on finals, and left. Turned in my paper at the Philosophy Center/Office/whatever it's called.
Then I spent more than two and a half hours sitting at a bench. Thinking. Or actually, not thinking. What a change. I didn't think much about anything today. Must have been because of the two hours of restless sleep I got this morning. Went to bed around 0100 after I finished my paper. Couldn't fall asleep until 0300. Woke up at 0445. Light rail at 0600 in the morning, very empty. I like it. I might go that early again tomorrow. Though, if I wanna ride the light rail with Lisa, I should probably leave later. Eh -shrug-
Anyway, though I spent most of my time on the bench not thinking and just watching a guy clear out the leaves on the walkways for two hours, the very little thinking I did was interesting, I s'pose. I thought about how little I thought haha. I didn't know what to think about. Oh, there were a lot of little kids on campus today. Field trips. First graders. So many lil kids, scary -_-
My mind was/is really blank today. I can't recall much of anything that I did think about. I can't even remember what Lisa and I were talking about when she drove me home ):
Mm, unimportant stuff: I downgraded my AIM from 7.1 to 6.9. I gave AIM 7 a chance for a few weeks, but it just doesn't appeal to me. Though AIM 6.9 isn't all that great either, it's a lil better than 7. Well, I'm just saying that because I got used to it for several months. 7 just had too many changes. Too much. Mm, with AIM 6, I can use the Music Link plugin again too. It's been a long time since I've used that. A few people used it yesterday, and it brought back memories :) So yeah, I think I'll just use that as my AIM statuses from now on or something. I'll learn to not be compulsive about changing statuses so often. I need to obsess about it less haha.
I still can't get over how dead AIM is now. For me anyway. I talk to like six people. And I don't really have regular conversation with any of them. Mm. The other 29 people on the list are usually not online or always away. They have lives haha. I need to find a life (I feel like I've said this before). I should just forget AIM, but I have those letting-go issues XP and sometimes, someone wants to talk to me. I guess I just want people to want to talk to me more, but I'm not really doing anything about it. Really, I just don't know what to say :P I just want people to talk, so I have someone to listen to.
I just want to listen.
-sigh- I'm still tired, even though I took like a four-hour nap, during which I had the dream. I might actually go to bed early tonight. Hope for a good dream, for restful sleep. Though, I haven't had restful sleep for a long while now. Blahh...
My dreams lately, whatever I can remember, have been weird. They feel related, but I don't know how they relate. They just feel like it. I dunno what I'm trying to say now. My head is really heavy and just... not good. Egh, I'm not good with words right now. It makes me worried about my Philosophy paper XP
Ok, one more final tomorrow morning. I might sit at a bench again. I don't know yet. I'll probably finish the Physics final in half an hour. I seriously don't think it will take me too long. Maybe I'll just wait for Lisa. Maybe I'll just walk around. I don't know. I don't wanna go home early. Though, I should just so I can sleep. Meh. Mm, most likely will visit ST on Wednesday with Lisa, Albert, and Robert. Might be Mole Day. Well, at least for Vokt's class. Don't know about Worden's.
I need to think about next semester. Going home after dark for the first two months of the semester. Not sure the bike thing will go well at all with Mother. Maybe in the second half, after Daylight Savings Time starts. Mm, long school days. Should try to fill in my days with eventful or productive things. Might not be seeing or hanging out with the same people I had this semester :( That thought saddens me. Seriously.
akjdljfadljkjf My head is just blaahhh right now. The thinking's coming back. Must mean I'm lucid again. You know, now that I'm thinking, I realize I don't need to bring my backpack tomorrow. Just a pencil and a scantron. But ah, I'll bring my backpack anyway. I'm lame like that haha. Hm, I hope I can focus on some reading tomorrow. I still haven't finished Forever Odd. Want to start Brother Odd soon. Want to find the fourth installment in the series. Then maybe find Koontz's new Breathless. I saw it in Barnes & Nobles on Friday. Also, Shiva told me I should read Brave New World. Hm, I've heard about the novel. I'm kinda surprised none of my high school teachers had it as required reading. Every other student I know seems to have read it.
Eh, I don't know if there's anything I want to say, but I don't want to end this entry :/ Must be something more... I guess not.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Watched Ninja Assassin...
Went to Eastridge with Shiva and Brian L today for a couple of hours. The movie was all right. I'm sure it would have been a great movie if we didn't know enough about ninjas and if the movie wasn't so... stereotypical haha. Plot-wise, I think the movie was just ok, not very developed. Action-wise, some awesome effects, but the sequences were much too short. And I wish I had glow-in-the-dark blood haha.
Much more than movie-watching happened today, but I'm just too tired to think about everything. Overall, ok day. Movie, mall, and time on campus were good times. Everything else was just unbearable. My fault though. I'm just selfish.. and stupid.. Why can't I be better? I wish I was better than this.
I wish I would talk..
Much more than movie-watching happened today, but I'm just too tired to think about everything. Overall, ok day. Movie, mall, and time on campus were good times. Everything else was just unbearable. My fault though. I'm just selfish.. and stupid.. Why can't I be better? I wish I was better than this.
I wish I would talk..
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I realize that I have been complaining..
even though I said I wouldn't -__- Again, I suck. Haha still complaining XP Though, I'm curbing it now.
Just been thinking a lot again. I was almost done with it. But I got to thinking again yesterday night. And again, I spent six hours awake in bed this morning, thinking about things. I wish there was a switch to turn off all this thinking.
And I'm home right now because no one else is. Hm.
Anyway, I never posted the movie list. So here it is:
Avatar [Dec 18]
Daybreakers [Jan 8]
I Love You Phillip Morris [Feb 12]
Nine [Dec 25]
Shutter Island [Feb 19]
The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus [Dec 25]
The Losers [Apr 9]
The Lovely Bones [Dec 11]
The Wolfman [Feb 12]
Valentine’s Day [Feb 12]
A Clockwork Orange
American Beauty
Antichrist
Armored
Be with Me (2005)
Blue Gate Crossing
Bound
Brothers
Carrie (2002)
Carriers
Clara’s Summer
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
District 9
Enchanted
Falling Down
G.I. Joe
Gamer
Golden Compass
Grace (2009)
Happy Together (2007)
Hard Candy
Homecoming
How to Lose Friends & Alienate People
Inglourious Basterds
Jennifer’s Body
Julie & Julia
Law Abiding Citizen
Love My Life
Matrix trilogy
Mulholland Dr.
New York, I Love You
Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
Nina’s Heavenly Delights
Ninja Assassin
Ocean’s Eleven; Ocean's Twelve; Ocean's Thirteen
Out of Season (1998)
Paris, je t’aime
Party Monster
Phonebooth
Poison Ivy (2002)
Post Grad
Red Doors
Role Models
Romeo + Juliet
Saw VI
Skinwalkers
Slaughterhouse-Five
Sleepwalking
Sorority Row
Star Trek
Star Wars series
Suicide Club
Swordfish
The Box
The Cake Eaters
The Chumscrubber
The Collector
The Death and Life of Bobby Z
The Final Destination
The Fourth Kind
The Invention of Lying
The Stepfather
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Tournament
The Wackness
The Yellow Handkerchief
Trapped
Turistas
Undertow
Watchmen
Welcome to the Rileys
What Just Happened
Where the Wild Things Are
Whip It
Whiteout (2009)
Wild Side
Yes Man
Zombieland
2012
8 femmes
9
I might watch some of these this week. I know Shiva wants to go watch Ninja Assassin, so that movie will likely be crossed off the list this weekend. Anyone else up for a movie? Ooh, maybe we can have those movie marathons this break.
Mm, yeah, so that’s all I have. Not much else to say. Gonna be home all day every day now. Well, almost.
And I’m sad because my brother ate the last Haagen Dazs from our freezer. No almonds D: !!
I feel like there’s something I should be doing, but I don’t remember what. So I’m just gonna watch a movie or read. Hope finals go well for everybody.
Just been thinking a lot again. I was almost done with it. But I got to thinking again yesterday night. And again, I spent six hours awake in bed this morning, thinking about things. I wish there was a switch to turn off all this thinking.
And I'm home right now because no one else is. Hm.
Anyway, I never posted the movie list. So here it is:
Avatar [Dec 18]
Daybreakers [Jan 8]
I Love You Phillip Morris [Feb 12]
Nine [Dec 25]
Shutter Island [Feb 19]
The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus [Dec 25]
The Losers [Apr 9]
The Lovely Bones [Dec 11]
The Wolfman [Feb 12]
Valentine’s Day [Feb 12]
A Clockwork Orange
American Beauty
Antichrist
Armored
Be with Me (2005)
Blue Gate Crossing
Bound
Brothers
Carrie (2002)
Carriers
Clara’s Summer
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
District 9
Enchanted
Falling Down
G.I. Joe
Gamer
Golden Compass
Grace (2009)
Happy Together (2007)
Hard Candy
Homecoming
How to Lose Friends & Alienate People
Inglourious Basterds
Jennifer’s Body
Julie & Julia
Law Abiding Citizen
Love My Life
Matrix trilogy
Mulholland Dr.
New York, I Love You
Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
Nina’s Heavenly Delights
Ninja Assassin
Ocean’s Eleven; Ocean's Twelve; Ocean's Thirteen
Out of Season (1998)
Paris, je t’aime
Party Monster
Phonebooth
Poison Ivy (2002)
Post Grad
Red Doors
Role Models
Romeo + Juliet
Saw VI
Skinwalkers
Slaughterhouse-Five
Sleepwalking
Sorority Row
Star Trek
Star Wars series
Suicide Club
Swordfish
The Box
The Cake Eaters
The Chumscrubber
The Collector
The Death and Life of Bobby Z
The Final Destination
The Fourth Kind
The Invention of Lying
The Stepfather
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Tournament
The Wackness
The Yellow Handkerchief
Trapped
Turistas
Undertow
Watchmen
Welcome to the Rileys
What Just Happened
Where the Wild Things Are
Whip It
Whiteout (2009)
Wild Side
Yes Man
Zombieland
2012
8 femmes
9
I might watch some of these this week. I know Shiva wants to go watch Ninja Assassin, so that movie will likely be crossed off the list this weekend. Anyone else up for a movie? Ooh, maybe we can have those movie marathons this break.
Mm, yeah, so that’s all I have. Not much else to say. Gonna be home all day every day now. Well, almost.
And I’m sad because my brother ate the last Haagen Dazs from our freezer. No almonds D: !!
I feel like there’s something I should be doing, but I don’t remember what. So I’m just gonna watch a movie or read. Hope finals go well for everybody.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Last day of Fall '09
Yay.
This morning, I spent fifteen minutes in 35-45 degree weather, scraping quarter-inch thick ice off of the Avalon. It flaked like snow. My fingers ached. Even when I was in the warm car. My knuckles ached for about another ten minutes. Ahh...
Anyway, went to Physics. Did not take notes. Went to Philosophy. Last three group-led discussions. Final is due Monday at noon. A simple, single-paged, single-spaced paper. I'll do it tomorrow because I'm too tired to write right now. And I don't remember the last time I ever turned in any work that was single-spaced, hm.
Stuff that happened today: the attempted resurrection of Brian L's laptop, Brian's and my trip to Lee's Sandwich and the conversation that occurred, Samurai Champloo (interesting show), the arrival of Shiva's new netbook, QTIP meeting to which seven(?) persons showed up, a heated discussion between Brian and Rahul (fellow QTIP member) in Shiva's apartment, extended discussion about family between Rahul and me at the light rail, no Harrison to ride the light rail home with (that's a change).
Fun stuff. For the most part.
Teh.. This entry could be more interesting, more... I dunno... detailed? Just better. But that involves extra thinking. I can't do that now. Too much thinking already.
Anyway, don't know what I'm doing the rest of this week. I didn't tell Mother that today was the last day of class. She's asleep now, so I might tell her tomorrow. Depends on if I wanna be home tomorrow. Ahh, I feel bad -_- for not wanting to be home. I just don't know what to do. Except go on the computer. Or sit and think about stuff.
I dunno. I'll just waste time tomorrow somehow. I can manage that pretty easily.
Delete delete delete -__- I seriously am deleting so much stuff from these entries now. I don't even know what I'm trying to say with half that stuff I delete haha.
Such a boring entry. But it's here nonetheless. It will be balanced out by my less boring entries later.
Anyway, anyone wanna go ice skating at the Logitech ice rink this break? Lemme know. Maybe we can get a small group together to go. Or if someone is already planning on going, invite me :P
This morning, I spent fifteen minutes in 35-45 degree weather, scraping quarter-inch thick ice off of the Avalon. It flaked like snow. My fingers ached. Even when I was in the warm car. My knuckles ached for about another ten minutes. Ahh...
Anyway, went to Physics. Did not take notes. Went to Philosophy. Last three group-led discussions. Final is due Monday at noon. A simple, single-paged, single-spaced paper. I'll do it tomorrow because I'm too tired to write right now. And I don't remember the last time I ever turned in any work that was single-spaced, hm.
Stuff that happened today: the attempted resurrection of Brian L's laptop, Brian's and my trip to Lee's Sandwich and the conversation that occurred, Samurai Champloo (interesting show), the arrival of Shiva's new netbook, QTIP meeting to which seven(?) persons showed up, a heated discussion between Brian and Rahul (fellow QTIP member) in Shiva's apartment, extended discussion about family between Rahul and me at the light rail, no Harrison to ride the light rail home with (that's a change).
Fun stuff. For the most part.
Teh.. This entry could be more interesting, more... I dunno... detailed? Just better. But that involves extra thinking. I can't do that now. Too much thinking already.
Anyway, don't know what I'm doing the rest of this week. I didn't tell Mother that today was the last day of class. She's asleep now, so I might tell her tomorrow. Depends on if I wanna be home tomorrow. Ahh, I feel bad -_- for not wanting to be home. I just don't know what to do. Except go on the computer. Or sit and think about stuff.
I dunno. I'll just waste time tomorrow somehow. I can manage that pretty easily.
Delete delete delete -__- I seriously am deleting so much stuff from these entries now. I don't even know what I'm trying to say with half that stuff I delete haha.
Such a boring entry. But it's here nonetheless. It will be balanced out by my less boring entries later.
Anyway, anyone wanna go ice skating at the Logitech ice rink this break? Lemme know. Maybe we can get a small group together to go. Or if someone is already planning on going, invite me :P
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Confiding dreams?
For a long time, I've had a recurring dream, which became a recurring daydream. I don't have the dream as often as before, but it still comes to me from time to time. It's more of a daydream now though. I just don't know if it's a good or bad one.
I have a friend to whom I tell everything. Everything. Every action, every emotion, every detail. Everything. I can never see this friend's face. It's always blurred, like in the cop shows. Sometimes, I remember what I say in the dream. Sometimes, I just have the dream feeling that I said a lot or too much. Sometimes, the friend stays. Other times, the friend leaves :/
In my daydream, the friend has no face either. I don't know whose face I could use. I say a lot of things that no one knows. Sometimes, stuff that even I didn't know I knew.
The idea intrigues me, scares me, worries me. Only in my world would I divulge such thoughts. Only there would the words flow so easily. Only there...
I never finish my daydream. I don't know why.
Anyway, I feel like I've been prepping myself for disappointment. Disappointment in what, I do not know. But disappointment nonetheless. I've been continually disappointed. By what? Again, I do not know. But I just have that feeling.. It's like I'm expecting too much, and I know I won't get what I expect. Yet, I'm still expecting it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not explaining it completely; I don't really know how I could. It's just a feeling.
This morning, I woke up at 0630 as usual, but I didn't get up. I laid there for almost six hours, just thinking. I wish I would stop thinking. But I don't know how to make it stop. Or I feel like I know how, but I just can't do it. I'm not letting myself not think. It's like I want to feel this way.
Makes me think of the lyric: "Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity." Mm...
I miss apathy. I don't know how to go back to apathy. It was good then. I don't know how it is now.
Ooh, I'm pretty much caught up with "House" (except this week's ep) and "Heroes" (: Distractions. Not really good ones, but good enough. I need better distractions. Whatever happened to people confiding in me? Those were good distractions. I had focus then. I'm glad a few people still talk to me about important things, personal things. I just wish more people would; more distractions from myself.
Too much alone time now. Leaves too much time for me to contemplate.
Ahhh ok. No more, no more. No more of this. Happy happy happy. Or at least happier. I don't wanna bring you down. Though, I probably did. Sorry. Just letting out some of the thinking. Not much, but enough -nods-
Two more days of class. Then two days of finals. Then done! Can't wait... Maybe things will be better then. Maybe. Hmm...
I have a friend to whom I tell everything. Everything. Every action, every emotion, every detail. Everything. I can never see this friend's face. It's always blurred, like in the cop shows. Sometimes, I remember what I say in the dream. Sometimes, I just have the dream feeling that I said a lot or too much. Sometimes, the friend stays. Other times, the friend leaves :/
In my daydream, the friend has no face either. I don't know whose face I could use. I say a lot of things that no one knows. Sometimes, stuff that even I didn't know I knew.
The idea intrigues me, scares me, worries me. Only in my world would I divulge such thoughts. Only there would the words flow so easily. Only there...
I never finish my daydream. I don't know why.
Anyway, I feel like I've been prepping myself for disappointment. Disappointment in what, I do not know. But disappointment nonetheless. I've been continually disappointed. By what? Again, I do not know. But I just have that feeling.. It's like I'm expecting too much, and I know I won't get what I expect. Yet, I'm still expecting it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not explaining it completely; I don't really know how I could. It's just a feeling.
This morning, I woke up at 0630 as usual, but I didn't get up. I laid there for almost six hours, just thinking. I wish I would stop thinking. But I don't know how to make it stop. Or I feel like I know how, but I just can't do it. I'm not letting myself not think. It's like I want to feel this way.
Makes me think of the lyric: "Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity." Mm...
I miss apathy. I don't know how to go back to apathy. It was good then. I don't know how it is now.
Ooh, I'm pretty much caught up with "House" (except this week's ep) and "Heroes" (: Distractions. Not really good ones, but good enough. I need better distractions. Whatever happened to people confiding in me? Those were good distractions. I had focus then. I'm glad a few people still talk to me about important things, personal things. I just wish more people would; more distractions from myself.
Too much alone time now. Leaves too much time for me to contemplate.
Ahhh ok. No more, no more. No more of this. Happy happy happy. Or at least happier. I don't wanna bring you down. Though, I probably did. Sorry. Just letting out some of the thinking. Not much, but enough -nods-
Two more days of class. Then two days of finals. Then done! Can't wait... Maybe things will be better then. Maybe. Hmm...
Friday, December 4, 2009
"(500) Days of Summer"
Today was all right. A lot of thinking. Too much focus on stupid things -__- Couldn't distract myself from the thoughts, the feelings.. Fuckin gahh.. I suck >_<
9.XII.09 Edit: OMG!! Blogger messed up this entry D: There's a whole section missing right here -__- I don't remember everything I said. I started talking about the movie from the entry title, saying I could kinda relate, just a lil...
I've never been in love >_> but really strong like is close enough. You just get attached to someone, and they disappoint you in some way. Feels like you'll never recover. You don't know how to deal. You just don't know.
This movie makes me afraid to fall in love (if it will ever happen) XP It kinda just reinforced everything I've ever thought about love and relationships. Mm.. The ending was somewhat mood-lifting, yet not. I don't know. We should move on, but life isn't so simple, so quick, so ideal.
I feel like it's something I should fight. Don't succumb. Ever. No try, no fail, yeah? It's worked for me so far, I guess. How many missed opportunities? I've no idea. I don't (want to) care to think about them. Mm, maybe I haven't really tried. No, I haven't. I don't know if it's worth it, if I'm worth it. I don't seem to be. Not once. The Friend Zone is my comfort zone XP
^I don't know if you got much of that. That's ok. I didn't intend for you to do so anyway.
I have way more to say about this topic, but that's all you're getting XP
I didn't realize until today how difficult it is for me to really talk to anyone now. I told Shiva about the sophomore year thing. But I chopped up and shortened the story. Like whoa. If you remember the whole story, you'd be like "Wtf? What happened to this part of the story?? You always give so much detail!" Eh, I gave her the gist of the story haha. I haven't really told anyone the story in person, except Amy. But even she didn't get everything. Just the gist and some detail.
I really need to work on the talking-to-people-in-person part of my life. I thought I could talk about the past and be ok, but I can't. If I can't talk about the past like I thought I could, I can't talk about anything that's really important to me. I'll work on it, I promise. So many things I need to work on. It's just silence and blogging are so much easier. I don't know why XP
Just in case you're wondering, the sophomore thing was not my main preoccupation today. It was just one of many thoughts passing through my brain.
Ah, my shoulder hurts T-T Been sitting all day. I didn't lie down. Again. I need to remember to not stand or sit for so long. Ahhh. I nearly swerved the Avalon out of my lane because I got distracted by my shoulder haha. Whew, glad I'm still alive >_>
Grr. Why must pain be inevitable? Inevitable pain, teh.. I want to get away from it. If I stay away, I can't be hurt. Who deals with this kind of pain and comes back for more? Ah, courageous people. Or people who just don't pay attention to the pain. I'm too afraid. I'm always afraid. No wonder nothing good ever happens. Why's it gotta be like this? 'Cause I gotta let it be like this. Ah, always my fault. Always my fault. Too much, too fast, too hard. Too easy. In some way, it always is.
Haha I love how I don't make sense. I probably won't even understand half of this entry the next time I read it. It's how it usually goes.
Anyway, free weekend. Don't know what I'm doing. Maybe read, watch shows, movies. Probably not sleep. Haven't slept well in months >_> Wow, I've lied about my sleep a lot. Just realized I've been telling people that I sleep really well. Used to not be a lie. Must adjust. Ooh, yay, I get to cross an item off of my movie list :)
9.XII.09 Edit: OMG!! Blogger messed up this entry D: There's a whole section missing right here -__- I don't remember everything I said. I started talking about the movie from the entry title, saying I could kinda relate, just a lil...
I've never been in love >_> but really strong like is close enough. You just get attached to someone, and they disappoint you in some way. Feels like you'll never recover. You don't know how to deal. You just don't know.
This movie makes me afraid to fall in love (if it will ever happen) XP It kinda just reinforced everything I've ever thought about love and relationships. Mm.. The ending was somewhat mood-lifting, yet not. I don't know. We should move on, but life isn't so simple, so quick, so ideal.
I feel like it's something I should fight. Don't succumb. Ever. No try, no fail, yeah? It's worked for me so far, I guess. How many missed opportunities? I've no idea. I don't (want to) care to think about them. Mm, maybe I haven't really tried. No, I haven't. I don't know if it's worth it, if I'm worth it. I don't seem to be. Not once. The Friend Zone is my comfort zone XP
^I don't know if you got much of that. That's ok. I didn't intend for you to do so anyway.
I have way more to say about this topic, but that's all you're getting XP
I didn't realize until today how difficult it is for me to really talk to anyone now. I told Shiva about the sophomore year thing. But I chopped up and shortened the story. Like whoa. If you remember the whole story, you'd be like "Wtf? What happened to this part of the story?? You always give so much detail!" Eh, I gave her the gist of the story haha. I haven't really told anyone the story in person, except Amy. But even she didn't get everything. Just the gist and some detail.
I really need to work on the talking-to-people-in-person part of my life. I thought I could talk about the past and be ok, but I can't. If I can't talk about the past like I thought I could, I can't talk about anything that's really important to me. I'll work on it, I promise. So many things I need to work on. It's just silence and blogging are so much easier. I don't know why XP
Just in case you're wondering, the sophomore thing was not my main preoccupation today. It was just one of many thoughts passing through my brain.
Ah, my shoulder hurts T-T Been sitting all day. I didn't lie down. Again. I need to remember to not stand or sit for so long. Ahhh. I nearly swerved the Avalon out of my lane because I got distracted by my shoulder haha. Whew, glad I'm still alive >_>
Grr. Why must pain be inevitable? Inevitable pain, teh.. I want to get away from it. If I stay away, I can't be hurt. Who deals with this kind of pain and comes back for more? Ah, courageous people. Or people who just don't pay attention to the pain. I'm too afraid. I'm always afraid. No wonder nothing good ever happens. Why's it gotta be like this? 'Cause I gotta let it be like this. Ah, always my fault. Always my fault. Too much, too fast, too hard. Too easy. In some way, it always is.
Haha I love how I don't make sense. I probably won't even understand half of this entry the next time I read it. It's how it usually goes.
Anyway, free weekend. Don't know what I'm doing. Maybe read, watch shows, movies. Probably not sleep. Haven't slept well in months >_> Wow, I've lied about my sleep a lot. Just realized I've been telling people that I sleep really well. Used to not be a lie. Must adjust. Ooh, yay, I get to cross an item off of my movie list :)
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Yay, Internet
I don't know what I've been doing at home without Internet the past couple of days. A lot of reading, I guess.
But finally got DSL at home. Wooo.
Anyway, this week has been decent. Chillin' with people at school as usual.
Today (Thursday) was kinda long. Went to Physics and Philosophy. Don't know why I go to Physics, but I do. Hm, keep Lisa company haha. Philosophy was interesting (group-led discussions. My group went on Tuesday, fun stuff). After Philosophy, I was walking toward the library. Prof Giddings walked up beside me and told me I should be a Philosophy major, hmm.
Borrowed a laptop in the library, chilled with Albert. Made up the lab that I missed on Tuesday because I couldn't find it then. Albert showed me where it was :P Did the lab with Thanh G (my usual partner). Finished around 15h00. Went to Tully's in the MLK. Shared a sandwich. Went to the music building to listen to her play piano. I played "Happy Birthday" after several failed attempts at trying to remember the notes haha. I play by ear, you know :P Fun stuff...
Quick recap of the week:
Monday: I don't remember anything. Well, I remember that Tatiana and I practiced our routine a lil bit after some changes because we forgot our original routine XP
Tuesday: No Physics, so I chilled in Shiva's room. Went to Philosophy at 1030. Discussion, I said like two things, while David G (group member) did the rest of the talking. Our group was not prepared, for we did not communicate about the discussion beforehand. Well, I sent David a message on Facebook haha. And we used my topic suggestion (outsourcing jobs) :P But that's really all I contributed. David did all the research XP I feel so bad. Anyway, after Philosophy, went back to Shiva's. Chilled till 1330. Mainly I just sat there, while she worked on a paper. Then I went to Lab, but I couldn't find the room I was supposed to go to in Duncan Hall (people couldn't help me either). By the time I was half an hour late to the lab, I gave up. Went to the library and chilled with Harrison. Used his laptop for personal business :P Looked at the Bernal '07 yearbook :D Good times, good times. Talked about movies and random stuff. Spent a good fifteen minutes looking at stuff on Cute Overload XD like O-M-G I could die from the cuteness ^_^ haha.... Then we went to Burger King. Saw a rat :O Been hearing about them, but I hadn't actually seen one till Tuesday. Harrison touched it -___-He almost touched my face with that hand DX I would have cried. Ok, maybe not, but he would have been on the ground two seconds later if he had touched me. I made him use lots of hand sanitizer. After that, he went back to the library, and I met up with Shiva again. She was coming back from Safeway. Watched her stuff the fridge. Then chilled in her room again (I know I chill with her a lot. I'd chill with people this much if they were free to chill when I could). Good times, yeah. Left at 1830, so that I could go home with Harrison at the usual time. Don't want Mother to think I'm doing stupid shit or anything -_-
Wednesday: Dance final. 48/50. Mostly my fault. I got hella nervous, thinking about how we only practiced together twice. So I slipped up twice. Bah! I was doing so well, too ): Ah, whatever, I've got an A in this class. It's all good. Q&A was fun. Just sat around and talked. Played 13. Oh, Rahul gave me a HRC sticker. Too bad I don't have my own car to put it on XP
Blaahhh. I'm too tired to recall more details of the week. Just know that this week was pretty good, routine or not, but really slow compared to all the other weeks that have passed by. Though, Christine and Lisa told me this week passed by way quick for them :O I dunno, this week was kinda weird for me. Must have been the lack of Internet access XP Gave me too much time to think >_<
Today, I had "Replay" by Iyaz on repeat haha. How fitting. Catchy song :P
Man, I am so happy that I have Internet at home again. Seriously. I've nothing better to do. I really can only remember reading at home. And sleeping. Oh, and watching three DVDs. "The Chaos Experiment" was interesting, but I'm not sure I understand the ending. "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" was all right, kinda typical romantic comedy, not really that interesting. Not sure I like Matthew McConaughey's movies anymore, how sad. "In the Valley of Elah" depressed me ): but I liked it.
Mm, three days left, yay. Hockey final tomorrow. Don't know what I'm gonna do after that yet. Monday and Tuesday will be kinda long because I'll be wanting my classes to end quickly. No lab on Tuesday so I'll just be chilling on campus. Then not sure what I'ma do for the rest of the week. Finals weeks after. Then visit ST. Then again, don't know what I'ma be doing. I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm trying to fill in my time XP
But anyway, now, I must answer emails and messages haha. Fun stuff. Bad compulsions, I know.
But finally got DSL at home. Wooo.
Anyway, this week has been decent. Chillin' with people at school as usual.
Today (Thursday) was kinda long. Went to Physics and Philosophy. Don't know why I go to Physics, but I do. Hm, keep Lisa company haha. Philosophy was interesting (group-led discussions. My group went on Tuesday, fun stuff). After Philosophy, I was walking toward the library. Prof Giddings walked up beside me and told me I should be a Philosophy major, hmm.
Borrowed a laptop in the library, chilled with Albert. Made up the lab that I missed on Tuesday because I couldn't find it then. Albert showed me where it was :P Did the lab with Thanh G (my usual partner). Finished around 15h00. Went to Tully's in the MLK. Shared a sandwich. Went to the music building to listen to her play piano. I played "Happy Birthday" after several failed attempts at trying to remember the notes haha. I play by ear, you know :P Fun stuff...
Quick recap of the week:
Monday: I don't remember anything. Well, I remember that Tatiana and I practiced our routine a lil bit after some changes because we forgot our original routine XP
Tuesday: No Physics, so I chilled in Shiva's room. Went to Philosophy at 1030. Discussion, I said like two things, while David G (group member) did the rest of the talking. Our group was not prepared, for we did not communicate about the discussion beforehand. Well, I sent David a message on Facebook haha. And we used my topic suggestion (outsourcing jobs) :P But that's really all I contributed. David did all the research XP I feel so bad. Anyway, after Philosophy, went back to Shiva's. Chilled till 1330. Mainly I just sat there, while she worked on a paper. Then I went to Lab, but I couldn't find the room I was supposed to go to in Duncan Hall (people couldn't help me either). By the time I was half an hour late to the lab, I gave up. Went to the library and chilled with Harrison. Used his laptop for personal business :P Looked at the Bernal '07 yearbook :D Good times, good times. Talked about movies and random stuff. Spent a good fifteen minutes looking at stuff on Cute Overload XD like O-M-G I could die from the cuteness ^_^ haha.... Then we went to Burger King. Saw a rat :O Been hearing about them, but I hadn't actually seen one till Tuesday. Harrison touched it -___-He almost touched my face with that hand DX I would have cried. Ok, maybe not, but he would have been on the ground two seconds later if he had touched me. I made him use lots of hand sanitizer. After that, he went back to the library, and I met up with Shiva again. She was coming back from Safeway. Watched her stuff the fridge. Then chilled in her room again (I know I chill with her a lot. I'd chill with people this much if they were free to chill when I could). Good times, yeah. Left at 1830, so that I could go home with Harrison at the usual time. Don't want Mother to think I'm doing stupid shit or anything -_-
Wednesday: Dance final. 48/50. Mostly my fault. I got hella nervous, thinking about how we only practiced together twice. So I slipped up twice. Bah! I was doing so well, too ): Ah, whatever, I've got an A in this class. It's all good. Q&A was fun. Just sat around and talked. Played 13. Oh, Rahul gave me a HRC sticker. Too bad I don't have my own car to put it on XP
Blaahhh. I'm too tired to recall more details of the week. Just know that this week was pretty good, routine or not, but really slow compared to all the other weeks that have passed by. Though, Christine and Lisa told me this week passed by way quick for them :O I dunno, this week was kinda weird for me. Must have been the lack of Internet access XP Gave me too much time to think >_<
Today, I had "Replay" by Iyaz on repeat haha. How fitting. Catchy song :P
Man, I am so happy that I have Internet at home again. Seriously. I've nothing better to do. I really can only remember reading at home. And sleeping. Oh, and watching three DVDs. "The Chaos Experiment" was interesting, but I'm not sure I understand the ending. "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" was all right, kinda typical romantic comedy, not really that interesting. Not sure I like Matthew McConaughey's movies anymore, how sad. "In the Valley of Elah" depressed me ): but I liked it.
Mm, three days left, yay. Hockey final tomorrow. Don't know what I'm gonna do after that yet. Monday and Tuesday will be kinda long because I'll be wanting my classes to end quickly. No lab on Tuesday so I'll just be chilling on campus. Then not sure what I'ma do for the rest of the week. Finals weeks after. Then visit ST. Then again, don't know what I'ma be doing. I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm trying to fill in my time XP
But anyway, now, I must answer emails and messages haha. Fun stuff. Bad compulsions, I know.
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