A Hindu, a Jainist, and a Buddhist...

had a snowball fight today :P They're supposed to be pacifists. Or so people say.

Rahul, Shiva, and I went to the Snow Day thing hosted by SJSU's AS. It was smaller than I thought it would be. Quite a few lil kids as well.

We had some fun tossing chunks of shaved ice (not actually snow, you know) at each other. Though, tossing was technically not allowed. Eh -shrug- Hmm, it was "raining snow," as Shiva put it. Oh, Matt C joined us. Apparently, the snow likes to fall on me a lot -_-

Shiva attacked me with snowballs, trying to kill me -_- The first one was a cheap shot. We weren't even standing on the snow/ice yet. And the snowball went down the back of my shirt >_< Refreshing, yes, because I was feeling hot, but it was also too much of a shock. Later, when we were on the snow, she got some of it in the pocket of my jacket, my mouth, and my eyes/glasses. Dirty snow >_< I almost fell too. It was slippery >_>

When I left for class, I still had snow in my pocket. When I was sitting in class, I emptied my pocket. Must have looked strange.


Didn't really do much else today, except go to Linguistics and Sociology.

Oh, I watched Shiva take a nap O_O or try to. Not really :P While she was resting her eyes, I was listening to music. And I think I fell asleep for two minutes. I need more sleep.

Hm, did some catching up with Mike from Kendo. Had a conversation about knives. I'm using Brother's buck knife, and Jonathan (was that his name? >_>) has a switchblade. Yeah.

Oh, and apparently, I really am supposed to hug Shiva back :O It's a non-optional social convention. Though, I think we forgot to mention "non-optional."

Light rail ride home with Harrison was somewhat quiet. Because he's sick >_> Hm. But the lil conversation was good. Haha yes, I wish I had a girlfriend so I could hug her all I want -grins and nods- haha. It would be nice. I'd give a real hug then, I'm sure. Now, my hugs are just... not as real as I should want them to be. I don't know any other way of putting it. Besides, I've already said something about this before, yeah? Hugs, what I think of hugs. Yeah, if only I could explain better, then you would really understand how I feel about hugs. But for now, all you need to know is that I'm still working on the hugs. At least the hugs for people closest to me. Everybody else apparently can get all the hugs they want from me -shrug- I'm weird like that. There's some logic in there. Or maybe just irrationality...


What else? What else? Oh, yesterday, I realized that Kilani has been sitting on the bench adjacent to me on Tuesday and Thursday mornings for the past few weeks. My peripherals have only been telling me that a blue-haired chick has been sitting next to me. I never looked directly at her to know that it was her XP Until yesterday. Some catching up there.

Today, she was there again, but I didn't say anything 'cause we were both doing our own reading and homework assignments. No need for conversation.


QTIP stuff:

1st Queer Prom. March 25. 8-11pm. In the University Room. If you wanna go, you can go as long as you're 18+ years old. $5 presale. $7 at the door. $5 at the door if you show up in formal attire.

3rd Annual Drag Show. April 29. In Morris Daily Auditorium. Dunno the time or prices yet.

That's all for now. But yeah, if you wanna go to either of those, feel free to join us :D


This weekend, I do not know what I will be doing. Other than homework. Tomorrow is a free day. I might go to the library to pick up a book that I requested. It's finally arrived! Breathless, Dean Koontz's latest novel. Which other author's work would it be, hm? Anyway, my weekend is quite free. No plans, I don't think. Sunday is the start of Daylight Savings Time and also Pi Day :D Yay, more sunlight, later dusk.

I feel like there's something else going on this weekend that I should remember, that I might want to attend. Hmm.


Oh, and it seems that I've been hanging out with a crazy person for the past few months. I did not know this. It was brought to my attention last night. By the crazy person herself. Yeah, hm, sounds dangerous, no?


Anyway, it's 11. Should I go to bed? Much homework and writing to catch up on.

Ooh, almost half the semester is gone. Semester is going by sooo faaast D: Part of me is glad that breaks are just that much closer. However, that means three months of not seeing some college friends. But high school friends, maybe, yes?


Mm, I've been thinking a lot. Not news. Just saying. The things I've been thinking about are bothering the hell out of me. Same things, I suppose. I'm just being obsessive as usual. I still wish I would stop haha. Someone, please make me stop XP Endless supply of hugs for you if you can make me stop obsessing (at least negatively obsessing) haha.

Blah. I should go to bed.

Hip Hop midterm tomorrow

For which I do not need to prepare XP

But I went to campus around 15h00 to chill with Shiva 'cause I really needed to get out of the f'n house. And hip hop was an excuse.

Did some online reading for Sociology. Shiva and I talked. She practiced for hip hop. I "helped." I'm sure I spent most of the time laughing at her though :P PB&J sandwiches. Listened to some of my music, trying to avoid sad songs. More dancing. Tiredness, a lot of it on my part. I felt like my head kept rolling to the side. At least I wasn't falling asleep on my bike, hm.

Shiva and I fought for my iPod at one point because I wanted to listen to "Wedding Dress" by TaeYang. Why couldn't I listen to it? T-T It's such a good song. Who cares if it brings back some memories?

Anyway, for hip hop, I've got the choreo in my head. I know how the moves are supposed to look. I just don't stay on beat very well when I'm being watched >_> It's a lil unnerving.

Mm, that was all fun. Oh yeah, Shiva's starting to hug me again >_< I'm being conditioned. Like Pavlov's dog. No, not really. It's not classical conditioning. There's no bell. And there's no reward or joy associated with the hugs XP haha jk jk. But yeah, apparently, I can't leave until I hug her now -_- Why can't I just stand there, receive the hug, and go? It's so simple. Why must I actively return the hug to leave? Mm.


Anyway, light rail. Oh, light rail people. Really? You worry me sometimes.

So I got to the San Antonio just in time for the light rail. I got on. I was gonna sit in the bike area with my bike because no one was there. But this Indian guy grabbed my bike and offered to put it on the rack for me. I said, "No, thank you." But he wouldn't listen. And he couldn't get the bike up because it was heavy and he was kinda short. I told him that he didn't have to put my bike up, that he could just put it back down. But he kept trying. Eventually, I decided to help him put it up.

We got it up. I thanked him. Then he continued to talk to me (I couldn't really understand his accent all that well). About bike riding. Being the nice person that I am, I listened. He used to ride his bike to the light rail last year. Then he lost his bike. But he used to ride his bike everywhere in India (specifically New Delhi) and here. He wants to ride a motorcycle. (At this point, he sits down on the seat next to me and shakes my hand) His name is Carry. He's 32 years old. He's single and lives alone. He's been in America for one and a half years. He has business partners, and their company works for Fortune 500 companies. If I gave him my number, he could hook me up with jobs O_o

He asked if I took the light rail every day. He said he would look forward to seeing me on the light rail every day. We could share lunches >_> He could find a basket for my bike at the flea market for cheap. Mm hmm.

Throughout this whole conversation, all I could do was grin and nod. I went along with the conversation because initially I thought the guy was joking around. Then he asked for my phone number, but I told him I didn't have a cell phone. So he gave me his number >_> Told me to call him when I wanted to talk business. He'll give me a job, and I'll get him a job when I graduate O_o

His stop was at Capitol. Just before he got off the light rail, he offered a parting handshake. Again, being nice, I shook his hand. As we were shaking, his left arm came around me and pulled me in for what I thought was going to be a hug (because I've met strangers who hug on first meetings. Strange but true). Instead, he kissed my cheek @_@ and then he was off. It happened so quick that I didn't even have time to react.

Yeah, eh. That last part reminded me of the DirecTV guy from a few years ago -_- Do you remember who I'm talking about? Well, I felt the same way today as I did that day. Except that today, the feeling came after the re-running of the incident in my head.

Brother really needs to get me that pocketknife or pepper spray soon >_<

But yeah, I raced home from the light rail. Scrubbed my hands and face with soap. Now, I'm good.

I am not good at dealing with people. Strangers. People. You just never know what kinda person you're gonna talk to. They can appear to be so nice at first, and then shit happens. Ugh.


You, you know who you are, my experiences don't even compare to yours, but I know how you feel -_- We're magnets. It's scary. But at least now you have someone to protect you :) That's good. I wish I had someone to protect me -_- hahaha. Aiyah..

Ugh, why am I so timid? So easily manipulated, so easily taken advantage of. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. Ugh.

From now on, gotta keep the damn headphones on. That was the method. Why did I stray from the method?

I feel like I need help now.. Ahhh..

Battlefest 2010

Not as interesting as last year's, but I still enjoyed the performances.


Yesterday, I took the light rail downtown to campus. Did some homework on the rail. Returned library books. Light rail back a stop to the Civic Auditorium. Bought a $25-ticket for Battlefest. Met up with Marielle and her (or Ariane's dance) friends. Andrea, Vanna, and Ruben. Interesting people. Andrea put her hand on my head and leaned (I felt short). Then she asked if she could call me Tweety. "Yes, you can." "How about Tweeter?" O_o Mm, no haha.

The doors opened late ): But we all got in and basically saved two rows of seats for their friends. I ended up sitting at the end of the first row next to someone I didn't know >_> Marielle motioned for me to go sit up near her, but it turned out the seat was being saved by some stranger.

As I walked past Marielle and Andrea to get to the open seat, Andrea grabbed my ass. Twice O_O I stopped, turned, and stared at her with a look that said, "Really? Did you really just do that?" Then after I found out the open seat was already taken, I had to walk past the girls again. And again, Andrew grabbed my ass. That time, I stopped momentarily and then kept walking.

Hm, there was a band performance before the start of the competition. April Chase. They sounded a lot like Paramore >_> Pretty good, but I couldn't get Paramore out of my head.

Anyway, the competition was fun. I was really impressed. Though, I don't really remember specific performances anymore. How sad. Oh, I do remember that I especially enjoyed Prophecy Inc.'s performance. They were really on point imho. That massive, 360-degree group wave thing was friggin' awesome. So fluid. I was glad they at least placed third. I wasn't surprised that Funk Beyond Control didn't get first place this year. Love the lil kids dancing, but their performance this year didn't match up with their performance from last year. Pac Modern won first place, but honestly I don't remember their performance at all >_>

Not saying their performance wasn't good. I liked all the performances this year, except maybe FLOorganics' showcase performance. It was interesting, but it didn't really appeal to me. Anyway, I don't think I remember much of the Battlefest performances because I had a really funky headache last night. I'm sure the loud music didn't help either. I remember there were two times in the night where the bass made me feel like I was gonna pass out. But luckily, I didn't.

Ooh, Supreme Soul's guest performance was pretty sick. If only I was better at giving descriptions haha... Oh well, guess you're gonna have to settle for YouTube videos :P Oh, after nine years, Battlefest is finally gonna go nationwide :D How awesome.

Oh, and I think the 3-on-3 battles were rigged too XP The final battle was between the Academy of Yee and the Academy of Villains. Supreme Soul members. Though, the dancer with the red hair was really tight with his moves. Gotta give him that much XP

Mm, I left the Auditorium almost immediately after Pac Modern was announced the winner. Said goodbye to Marielle via text haha. Also texted Ariane, but she didn't reply ): You know, I didn't realize there were other ST people in Wrawsome aside from Kathy D. There's apparently also Jaime, Alyssa G, and Gerald G. Or at least it looked like them. Same people from the hip hop portion of our Fantastiks performance senior year, hm.


So light rail once again to campus. Walked to Shiva's. Got there around 21h30. Jonathan, Hannah, Phil, and two other people were already there. Those two people left. And Ulysses(?) and Katrina (from my Linguistics class) arrived.

I didn't drink much last night. I controlled myself. Yay. I don't remember what I drank though. But I didn't eat much, so it affected me quickly.

We tried to watch "Thank You for Smoking" and "1408," but none of us were really paying attention. So a marathon of "1000 Ways to Die" on SpikeTV was the answer. That lasted till 1 in the morning.

And damn were we loud last night haha. Especially Hannah, Ulysses, and Katrina haha. I felt really bad for Shiva's roommates XP

Lot of random conversation. Much of it revolved around... Actually, I don't remember. I can only recall bits and pieces of conversations. Some guy named Craig was drunk texting Hannah. There was drunken dancing. Talks of how tasty cough medicine is >_< ew.

I spent the last half of the night talking to Phil (tall guy from Lafayette). Got to know each other better. He tried to help me plan my future hahaha. Yeaah. I wasn't much help to his efforts.

And it must have been the effects of alcohol, but I hugged Jonathan and Phil when they left ahaha.

In my slightly drunken state, I contemplated a lot of things. One of them was the realization that I hug some friends (whom I don't often see) more frequently than I hug other friends (whom I do often see). How strange. Like, I hugged those two guys. I hug a few of my friends from high school (who don't go to SJSU). I hug Matt C and Carlo, whom I see once or twice a week. I hug Rose once in a while when I see her. I always hug D when he comes over to the house to visit. On the other hand, I rarely if ever hug Mother or Brother. I don't think I've ever hugged Amy, Christine, Lisa, or Albert, even when I saw them every day last semester and the semester before. I don't hug Brian or Shiva, and I've been chilling with those two about four days a week since the start of semester. And have you realized that I hug you more often now than I did back when we used to hang out in high school? Like, now, every time I see Autumn, Maggie, Ariane, or anyone from high school really, I usually hug them. I never used to do that haha.

My relationships and comfortable-ness with people are not how I should want them to be. Hm. Usually, people seem to hug their closer friends more than they hug their less close friends. Or maybe I'm just trying to find a flaw within myself. Bah, I see too many.

Aaanyway, back to the party/get-together. Shiva and Phil kept tickling me T-T She tickled me out of my seat. So mean. Unfair. Two against one.

Ahh, I was feeling soo hot during the party too T-T Too much body heeeaat. Shiva was the opposite of me. She was cold. I wished I was cold. I can't stand heat. Ahaha, I just remembered Shiva stole heat from my hand O_o She and Phil kept playing with my hands at one point too O_o I just sat there, thinking, "This is kinda weird. Why are they playing with my hands? And why aren't my hands moving away?" I was really tiiired. It was like 3 in the morning. Egh, I usually go to bed by midnight. Ahh, my brain.

Mm, so when Phil was leaving, he said that I was cute >_> <_< >_> I just stared at him O_O and said I didn't know how to respond to that. He said he didn't expect me to say anything. Silence. "Uhh, thank you?" "You're welcome." Mm yeah, like I've said before, I don't get compliments often. So when I do receive them, I feel weird/awkward, and I don't know what to say. And you know, I just never know if people are saying things because they mean it or because they're just trying to flatter me for some patronizing reason -_- haha.

Oh wow, I just remembered I told Phil that I've lied to people a lot. For a nice person, I lie a lot O.O Yeaah. Hm. It's just easier to lie. By omission. Yeah. Ok.

Mm, so I slept over on the living room couch. 4 AM was shut-eye time. But I kept waking up, and I looked at my watch each time. 5h30, 6h00, 6h30, 7h30, 8h30. I stayed awake at 8h30. I did some push-ups and sit-ups haha. Some homework. Then I listened to music and looked out the window for the next two hour.

I remember a dream: I was sleeping on the couch. Pretty much like I was doing in real life. And Brian comes walking through the door and yanks me off the couch so that he can sit on the couch O_o I just sit on the floor, staring up at him. Then I wake up.

Not much of an interesting dream, but eh -shrug-

Morning was ok. Shiva came out of her room around 10h30, and we talked for a while. I was listening to Owl City. She said she hadn't listened to Owl City in a while :O I've been listening to him less often only because I don't drive often anymore. She has her reason for not listening to the music. I have my reason for listening to it (I'm a masochist >_> haha). I've already said it before: Owl City makes me nostalgic in many ways, good and sad. Though, I suppose I never mentioned the sad. But, eh, you don't need to know. Or you already know. You just don't need to know what specifically. Hm, today, I realize there's another reason I listen to Owl City and other music that makes me feel the same way: They make me think about the things I want but can't have >_> yeaah...

Mm, I was gonna take the light rail home, but Mother had plans. So D came to pick me up from campus. Yeah. I was glad. I didn't have to listen to Mother yell at me for going home at noon. Well, I still had to listen, but not for long because she had to go somewhere, whew.


Hmm, I feel like there was so much more I wanted to say about last night. Maybe it was just all the conversations that I wanted to remember but now cannot recall. Yeah, probably. Pathetic -_-

I remember there was a conversation about cuddling. I think I was the one who brought it up though. Not sure.

Blah, I feel like a mopey drunk. I'm a mopey person, mm.


You know, I feel like I can type so much. Yet, there's nothing there, hm.

And my brain hurts. But it doesn't feel like a hangover. It shouldn't be a hangover. I didn't drink enough. Could be a residual headache from last night.


Home alone now. Why am I supposed to be home right now?
I'm kinda losing focus. I'm kinda losing myself. Must be the lack of sleep.
I have a strong urge to really complain about my life, about how frustrated I am that things don't work out the way I want them to (ooh, another conversation topic I had with Phil). But eh.

It was supposed to rain...

yesterday and today, but it didn't :/ I'm disappointed. Anyway...

Yesterday was my last final. Physics. I finished in 35 minutes. Then I sat at a bench until Lisa finished her final around 0900. Then I followed her to the SSC and to the OT office. Then home. I didn't wanna go home, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. So might as well go home. Got home before 10h00 :O But no one was home. Alone to think. I didn't really do anything though. I just kinda sat there, trying not to think anything stupid. Failed.

Stupid thinking should be avoided as best as possible.

In the evening, I had to go to D's because Mother wanted me to drive (her back still hurts from the car accident). I just used D's computer to do stuff. No AIM. Yay Meebo. Confirmed the ST visit with Albert and Lisa (via text). Robert couldn't go :( Linda Dang was to join us. Oh, also decided to go to Christmas in the Park with Shiva for a lil bit before she left for SoCal today.

Went home. Talked to Harrison and Trieu online for a bit. Jobs and drinking, respectively. Surprising, yes? :P


Ah, my family's over the 700-minute limit. The billing cycle ends on Friday. Brother calls people too much. Bah! Not that I really have anyone to call. But if anyone does call me, it's gonna add more overage -_- I don't want to be yelled at. Again.


Anyway, today, Lisa picked me up around noon to go visit ST. Went to Starbucks. Linda Dang met up with us in there. Then Albert came. Then Marielle and Ariane (totally unexpected!!). Then finally Trieu. Linda had to leave, though, to go to SJC (the airport) to pick someone up.

Anyway, the rest of us visited Curry. Waved to Madame in her classroom. The new Rasmussen told us to get off campus. Don't know his actual name >_> Ariane left for SF. Rest of us visited a few other teachers, including Lum, Dimas, and Schwalen. Hugs, hugs, hugs. Well, I have them the pat-side-hug that is typical of me. Or the arms-loosely-wrapped hugs. I realize I don't give real hugs, at least not often, but more on that later in the entry...

Stayed on campus until about 1500. The group kinda dissipated as time went by. But yeah, today was just chill and laidback.

Lisa drove me, Albert, and her sister home.


I waited for Mother to come home with the car, so that I could go Christmas in the park with Shiva. I tried to convince Shiva online that I should drive her to the airport that's only ten minutes away from campus. But no, she wouldn't give. Brian's dad would drive her instead.

Yeah, so Mother came home, and I took the car. I got to campus around 1700. She and I walked to Christmas in the Park. Popcorn, big bags of popcorn. Little kiddie rides :P The large menorah. When Shiva stopped to take a picture of it, Rose and Tommy were there and said hi to me. Then they left.

And somehow Shiva knew >_> Her intuition is good. Or so she would like me to believe. Aaanyway... Christmas in the Park is quite pretty at night. Not that many people, but I'm sure it's cuz it's a weekday or something. I dunno. Didn't get to stay very long because Brian and his dad came waayyy early. Like an hour or so early (so we didn't get to chill for very long. We would have if she had let me drive her). So Shiva and I headed back to her apartment, got her luggage, went to get her mail, and walked to 7th St.

Luggage in the van. I gave her a hug. Told her I'd be sad if she didn't come back next semester, which would be true. I would be. Very. Waved goodbye and walked back to my car.

Now, I'm home, thinking again -sigh-


So the hugs thing... I hug my friends. Of course, I do. Or I try anyway. But there are different types of hugs. For me, there are hugs, and there are real hugs (though, I still just call these "hugs"). My friends give me real hugs. I don't. A real hug is where you wrap your arms around the other person, and it's a tight hug, a strong one. Like, you're letting the other person know you want to hug them. My hugs (sorry, people) are not tight or strong. I just kinda wrap my arms (or one arm) around loosely and then let go as soon as possible. Sometimes, I do the pat-the-back hug.

All this time, I thought I was hugging people. But I realize I don't do it how I should or how I should want to. But hey, at least I try? I don't just stand there anymore. At least I have a reaction (wrap arms around). Yeah. I still suck. I've given real hugs before, I'm sure. I just don't remember the last time I did. Though, I think today I gave Trieu a semi-real hug haha. And yeah... >_>

I don't know why I pay attention to this. Still. I'm lame. I'm thinking too much. Every time I hug people, I have to think about it before I do it. Even with the ones that I used to always hug. I think, just about every time I gave anyone a strong hug, I had to think to myself, "Oh, I should probably hug them tighter." Usually on birthdays. Mm hmm.

If you're reading this and thinking about all the hugs I've given you, please don't feel bad or offended. I don't mean to. I'm just trying to be honest. Yeaah.

Mm, so that's all I have to say right now, I think. We should all get together this break. Party or something :P It would be wonderful if we could get the whole gang from high school together. Catch up and whatnot. Mm hmm....



Opportunities. Intentionally or not. Not. My head doesn't want to think anything. It's thinking the wrong thing. Ideal. I'm messing things up in my mind. Intentionally or not. Ahhh.. I wish... Never mind.

My mind feels jumbled. Thoughts are crossing over and such. I need sleep -__- Restful sleep. I can't get restful sleep. Even though, it's finally break. Ahh, I hope my sleep goes back to normal. It would be nice. Less tiring. Less yeah... I just need to work things out with myself. Slowly, but surely, I will get this shit right. I'm not gonna f things up. I need to make decisions. Decisive decisions XP that will hopefully be good for me, for family, for everyone. Or else I'm gonna torture myself for who knows how long.. And I've seen how torture affects people. Ain't pretty. I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna lose. Not like that.

-sigh- Not soo negative today. Just eh -shrug- I should go to bed early. But I won't. I might end up finishing Forever Odd, finally. Yeah.

I realize I didn't talk too much today. I usually talk much more than I did today. Hm. Still a pretty good day, or it feels that way.