2013 has begun.

So I welcomed 2013 with Shiva, Mai, Harrison, Chau, and Vivi. It was a good start to the year :) We missed the countdown by seven seconds. But hey, they had their champagne, and I got my juice box :D It was all good. Though, I have to add that Shiva was messing with me at some points in the night -w- Trying to embarrass me and all. Pssh. Rude! XP

I had started NYE with a late lunch/early dinner with my family and Karina. Brother dropped me off at SJSU around 7pm, and I walked around campus. Parked myself on a bench near the Event Center and reminisced. It's been so long since I've been on campus. And even longer since I've been there at night. It was nice. Cold but nice. I worked on a sudoku puzzle for like an hour haha. When I finished it, I looked up at the sky and watched something slowly move across the sky.

A cop drove by in his car and turned on one of his sirens. It startled me. I looked around to see if something was happening. But nothing was happening. The cop was looking at me. Then he drove away o_o I think he thought I was sleeping on the bench -_- I'm not a bum. Also, he made me lose sight of the thing I was watching -_-"

When I realized I couldn't feel my toes anymore, I walked around some more. I ended up sitting near Fourth and San Carlos. Some guy, who was walking by, asked me, "Where the weed at?" I just smiled my awkward smile and shook my head. He continued with "You dunno where the weed at?" and sighed, while walking away with his female companion, who just glanced at me and didn't say anything.

Eventually, Vivi met up with me on campus around 8:20, and we went to Christmas in the Park for a bit. Second to last day that it was open. No preachers shouting at passersby. Small crowd. It was a nice change from what I've experienced in past years. I liked soaking in the atmosphere, even though Christmas had passed. I think I'm trying to make up for all those years in childhood that I wanted to go to the park but never got to. So though I don't always pay attention to everything that Christmas in the Park has to offer, I greatly enjoy being there and just getting my fill of whatever holiday spirit I can find. And it's always nice to share this experience with someone else :)

So afterward, Vivi and I reparked her car in another parking garage because there wasn't an overnight option in the school parking garage -_- There used to be when I used to drive to school. I felt bad because Vivi had to pay twice as much to park for the night >: But what's done is done -.-

Then we went to Shiva's apartment, where everyone else had already assembled.

Mai poured me some champagne without asking me, and I told her I wasn't going to drink :P Not until the end of March. She was disappointed(?) haha. When I say I'm gonna do something (or not do it), I mean it (now, at least. I used to say I wouldn't drink but then end up drinking anyway).

I pointed out that I was breaking my tradition of celebrating NYE with people I haven't celebrated with before because Shiva and Harrison were there. But it was also pointed out that I had never celebrated with Vivi <.< Mai >.> or Chau <.< So I guess my tradition is only half broken(?) haha >.> It doesn't really matter. I had fun; so like I said, it was all good.

We all snacked on cookies, some veggie nugget thing that I don't remember the name of, veggies with ranch, apples, cuties, and cheese and crackers.

Vivi attempted to stack some apples to make a snowman... err... Apple-man? Apple-and-cutie-man? Fruit-man? She succeeded haha. There are pictures. Then Chau attempted and succeeded at stacking on more. Again, there are pictures. Eventually, they all toppled though XP

There were plenty of photos taken last night. Silly and happy photos. Pictures of me hiding from the cameras. Pictures of Mai striking poses. Picture of Harrison planking on my arm. Picture of Harrison leaning his head on my arm while his butt was in the air. There is picture evidence of Vivi kicking me in the knee haha. But it was because Chau had been tickling her. I was just an innocent bystander... Bysitter? I was sitting next to Vivi when it happened.

We tried to do the countdown in Shiva's room on her computer, but technical difficulties made us miss it by seven seconds. But it was ok. We still clinked our drinks. Then we watched New Year's videos. First from NYC. Then from across the world. Made me remember I wanna share a New Year's kiss with someone special one of these years. I will. I'm determined :P Before I die, damn it.

After the year started, we spent the rest of the night just talking in Shiva's room, and there was more picture-taking. I think Mai slept through much of this part of the night haha. Chau gave Vivi a massage. Shiva gave Chau a massage. This led to a conversation about our friend Billy getting a massage from Shiva and moaning because it felt so good haha.

I was tired, and I wanted to plop into sleep. But the conversation was just so interesting XP Eventually, I became very awake but still tired.

Around 3am, Vivi and Chau left. Long goodbyes with relatively long hugs haha. Harrison crashed on living room floor, and I got the futon. (I'm going to have to get used to this futon.) I couldn't sleep. So I turned on my iPod and listened to Phillip Phillips :D His music helps me sleep -nodnod- Got a text from Vivi around 3:30am, letting me know she got home safely. Listened to Phillip Phillips some more. Passed out at some point.

Woke up at 8:40am. Tried to go back to sleep. I did a few times. But then I was just awake. Eventually, Harrison and I both got up, sat together on the futon, and just talked for a while. Cuddle buddy! :) Then at some point, Shiva came out to the living room and plopped on me. Mai left for a family engagement. Shiva, Harrison, and I talked and eventually walked to Flames. Good food. I couldn't finish though >:

Went back to the apartment and chilled. Shiva was packing for India. She's gonna be there for less than a month O: !! And I might move into her apartment while she's gone. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, our morning/afternoon was fun. Interesting conversations and observations about people <.< I dunno what I'm supposed to do with this information. I dunnoooo. My braaaiin... It wishes it were better at interpreting people's behavior and situations -sigh- Oh well.

Ok, yeah, that's pretty much all the fun stuff of the last 26ish hours of my life. Spent time with some friends who are special to me. Got to enjoy being in their presence. It felt great!


Now, onward with 2013!

It is now December o_o

This past Thanksgiving weekend was all right. Spent all four days at home. Did not set one foot outside the door. No Shiva to go to ): But she was down in So Cal with friends and family, so that was good.

Mm, Mother, D, and I had big meals over the the four days. Some typical Viet foods on Thanksgiving, boiled crabs on Friday, steak on Saturday, and something-that-I've-since-forgotten on Sunday haha. The crabs were amazingly good, mmmm.... Mine was the largest of the three though @_@ So big. The steak was ok. I had mine rare. So much red left in it haha. A1 sauce isn't that tasty, kinda too sour. Never liked bbq sauces nor steak really. But I ate one whole steak 'cause Mother keeps worrying about my iron level. Mother and D had split the other steak D: I felt weird having such a big piece while they didn't.

Let's see. I spent Friday night/early Saturday morning working on my research paper for 100W. Wanted to get most of it done. Accomplished, yay. Tried to do the same thing for my philosophy research paper, but I majorly lacked motivation the next two days D:

Coming back to school this week was difficult. I was so lazy. Didn't wanna go to any of my classes. But I had to. Presentations and stuff. Shiva sat in on my 100W presentation on Monday >_< I forgot a couple of things, I think. But oh well, two of my classmates asked questions, made me happy to know people were actually paying attention :D My Tuesday "presentation" for PHIL 109 wasn't really a presentation. Just a overview of what my topic was, what research I've done so far, and basically going over the beginnings of the research paper. I'm glad I volunteered to go first XD Because the people presenting on the last day actually have to talk about the finished paper.

Wednesday, I watched presentations in 100W. Wrote evaluations on them. Also asked a question :D Then the class had to do an instructor evaluation.

I've skipped PHIL 57 both days this week :O Just don't feel like going to class :/ But next week, I'll show up to both classes, since they'll be the last days of class anyway.

Anyway, Shiva and I went to QTIP to go to Christmas in the Park. Got to the meeting at 18h30, but didn't really leave until almost 19h00 T-T

At the park, there were two or four people standing to the side with a sign that said "FEAR JESUS" and shouting stuff about Jesus, God, fear, hell, damnation, etc. Same people who stand at the light rail stops. Same people who shout in front of the Event Center. I would listen to them, except they're yelling at people and telling them they're all sinners going to hell. Way to spread the joys of the season -___- Shiva and I jokingly considered kissing in front of them, but you know we might have gotten shot for that XP

Anyway, QTIP group pictures in front of the giant Christmas tree. My awkward lonely poses. Fake snow. Coin-racing booth for charity. $3 churro x_x Attempt to find the QTIP Christmas tree, unaccomplished ):

Brian L was supposed to come join us. He got out of class at 19h15. I had to leave at 20h00. Somehow, the three of us ended up meeting at the light rail stop haha.

Mm, oh, random: when Shiva was about to come back up to SJ, her mom bought a 12-inch pumpkin pie O_O for Shiva and me to share hahaha. SO BIG. I took like a quarter of the pie home on Monday. Just finished it tonight. We've also been slowly eating the pie since Monday. I think we've got a little more than a quarter left.

And ooh, I got a new bed O_O Like an actual bed haha. Not like the air mattress that I've been sleeping on for I-don't-even-remember-how-long. It's a Diamond Mattress--I've never heard of this brand. A full-sized pillow top mattress. So soft, not firm. It's so weird now that I'm going to be sleeping way above the floor in my room XD It also takes up quite a bit of space. Mother will only be able to vacuum a few feet in a straight line, and that's it. My floor's gonna get dusty -_-

I also learned that Brother might not take his dresser with him when he gets out of jail and moves into a new place -_- My bedroom will remain cramped for years to come. Nooo. He better take it with him T-T I want my room to myself. I want space, even though I guess it doesn't really when I'm barely in my room anymore.

Hm, wow, it's already been three months. Two more months, and Brother's out. A whole school semester passing by so quickly. A new year to come in less than a month. Obama's been in office for almost two years now. Shiva's Spring graduation coming after another semester together (three classes together XD). My graduation another semester closer. My "future" is that much closer. My unpreparedness is showing more and more. But I'll prepare myself eventually. I've got the help of a lovely Shiva :3 haha. Yeah, days, weeks, and months are passing quick, but it just means we're getting somewhere.....


Not much else to report haha. After tomorrow, I have a week of classes left and a week of finals. My hopefully hardest final will be on Monday, December 13, at 7h15 @_@ Easy finals on Thursday the 16th at 9h45 and Friday the 17th at 7h15. Hopefully easy take-home final due that Friday at probably noon.

Sad that Shiva's gonna be far away for at least four weeks >: How will I survive? D:

Oh, and this break, I have quite a bit I want to do: write the term paper for SOCI 116; read at least the two books that Shiva let me borrow and maybe Le petit prince; talk to Shiva when I can; watch a bunch of movies from my To Watch list; download a bunch of music (It's been quite a few months since I've downloaded music. It's crazy); catch up on rest; catch up with past friends; maybe do something active (We'll see).


That's all. Good night :P

Today wasn't planned at all...

And that may be why tonight didn't end so well for me..


Christmas Eve tomorrow, then Christmas. Regular days. Hopefully no anger to ensue. I can't deal with that now. It's Christmas. I'm not asking for anything. I just don't want any anger around here. Please. If there's going to be, could it be directed at something rather than someone? I would sincerely appreciate that. Really, no anger would be nice. In fact, I wouldn't mind if I was home alone the next two days. No risk of anger there. Or maybe two days of restful sleep. I wouldn't mind that. No one to bother me, to talk to me. I'd be happy.

I sound like a recluse.


Spent all morning and afternoon on the computer today (actually yesterday), converting YouTube videos to mp3s. Around 17h30, Mother and I went to D's. Then Maggie and Ariane invited me to go eat sushi. I went with them at 18h00. We didn't eat sushi. Instead, we stuffed ourselves with Red Robin burgers at Eastridge.

Then we went to Infinity Dance Studio for Ariane's dance class. Left around 22h15. Arrived at Palmia. Kiet picked us up in his van. Randy, Alex D, Ariel, and Andrew were there. Went downtown. Got a lil lost trying to find Christmas in the Park. Only because I couldn't figure out which way was north >_> The parking garage disoriented me.

Got to the park by like 23h04. Found Randy's Cupertino friends. Played "Catchphrase" for a bit. Took group photos. Kinda looked at the displays and whatnot, but nothing changed from last time, so I wasn't that interested XP

Walked to the Fairmont. Chilled for a while in the lobby or whatever it's called. Then went up on the elevator. Up a floor, I think. Found a piano. Randy, Andrew, Kiet, and Ariane played some music on the piano. I sat at the window. Looked over the ice rink.

Mother called, yelled, said things, and hung up. She wanted me home. It was before midnight. I tried to explain to her about the carpool thing. The group wanted to go karaoke afterward. I couldn't ask Kiet to drive me all the way home in the opposite direction..

But I told him I was in trouble, so he took me home anyway. I feel terrible..

Tonight was fun, just being with friends.... I love you guys a lot. I hate that I can't see you all very often. And every time I see any of you, I never wanna leave because I don't know when the next time I see you will be. I don't want to lose any time with you guys.


Tonight was supposed to be fun. And it was. For a lil while. Until I messed up.. I should have gone home early. Why didn't I fuckin' go home early?

I'm too selfish. I shouldn't want to go out this much. I keep fucking up. I need to stay home more. But I can't.

I'm stuck. I'm just fuckin' stuck.

And she's angry because of me. It's my fault. Because I just want to be around my friends. But I'm going out too much. I need to stop pissing her off.. I should stay home. But I don't want to. I don't do anything at home. At home, I'm just... alone and, I dunno, just not happy. But when I go out, I'm still alone but also happy for a while. Is this worth it? A few hours with friends for a few hours of bitching, blaming, and name-calling? I'm starting to think it's not worth it. Sorry.

But you know, I keep on doing this anyway. So I guess I'll go on pissing her off. She can go on being pissed off and saying the same things she always says. Why? Because I'm selfish, foolish, weak. Because she's angry, afraid. Because she's my mom and she's supposed to care this much, right? She's supposed to be this angry because she cares, right?


Later, when I wake up, I'm going to wish I didn't type this up, wish I didn't think like this, wish I'd let it go right now. But you know I need a reminder of how I used to be, how I used to think. All for future me to look back on and decide for real if I'm right or wrong for thinking like this.

This entry's more about the consequences than the actual fun of tonight.. Ugh..

Fuck, I just suck.. I wish I was stronger than I am. I wish... for a lot of things I shouldn't wish for. I should stop before I think anything worse of myself, right? Yeah. Though, I'm sure the thoughts will arise anyway. Ahhh.. I need to stop.. Let it go. Let it slide. Let it go. Let it slide.

Hope peoples had fun with karaoke and all.

It was supposed to rain...

yesterday and today, but it didn't :/ I'm disappointed. Anyway...

Yesterday was my last final. Physics. I finished in 35 minutes. Then I sat at a bench until Lisa finished her final around 0900. Then I followed her to the SSC and to the OT office. Then home. I didn't wanna go home, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. So might as well go home. Got home before 10h00 :O But no one was home. Alone to think. I didn't really do anything though. I just kinda sat there, trying not to think anything stupid. Failed.

Stupid thinking should be avoided as best as possible.

In the evening, I had to go to D's because Mother wanted me to drive (her back still hurts from the car accident). I just used D's computer to do stuff. No AIM. Yay Meebo. Confirmed the ST visit with Albert and Lisa (via text). Robert couldn't go :( Linda Dang was to join us. Oh, also decided to go to Christmas in the Park with Shiva for a lil bit before she left for SoCal today.

Went home. Talked to Harrison and Trieu online for a bit. Jobs and drinking, respectively. Surprising, yes? :P


Ah, my family's over the 700-minute limit. The billing cycle ends on Friday. Brother calls people too much. Bah! Not that I really have anyone to call. But if anyone does call me, it's gonna add more overage -_- I don't want to be yelled at. Again.


Anyway, today, Lisa picked me up around noon to go visit ST. Went to Starbucks. Linda Dang met up with us in there. Then Albert came. Then Marielle and Ariane (totally unexpected!!). Then finally Trieu. Linda had to leave, though, to go to SJC (the airport) to pick someone up.

Anyway, the rest of us visited Curry. Waved to Madame in her classroom. The new Rasmussen told us to get off campus. Don't know his actual name >_> Ariane left for SF. Rest of us visited a few other teachers, including Lum, Dimas, and Schwalen. Hugs, hugs, hugs. Well, I have them the pat-side-hug that is typical of me. Or the arms-loosely-wrapped hugs. I realize I don't give real hugs, at least not often, but more on that later in the entry...

Stayed on campus until about 1500. The group kinda dissipated as time went by. But yeah, today was just chill and laidback.

Lisa drove me, Albert, and her sister home.


I waited for Mother to come home with the car, so that I could go Christmas in the park with Shiva. I tried to convince Shiva online that I should drive her to the airport that's only ten minutes away from campus. But no, she wouldn't give. Brian's dad would drive her instead.

Yeah, so Mother came home, and I took the car. I got to campus around 1700. She and I walked to Christmas in the Park. Popcorn, big bags of popcorn. Little kiddie rides :P The large menorah. When Shiva stopped to take a picture of it, Rose and Tommy were there and said hi to me. Then they left.

And somehow Shiva knew >_> Her intuition is good. Or so she would like me to believe. Aaanyway... Christmas in the Park is quite pretty at night. Not that many people, but I'm sure it's cuz it's a weekday or something. I dunno. Didn't get to stay very long because Brian and his dad came waayyy early. Like an hour or so early (so we didn't get to chill for very long. We would have if she had let me drive her). So Shiva and I headed back to her apartment, got her luggage, went to get her mail, and walked to 7th St.

Luggage in the van. I gave her a hug. Told her I'd be sad if she didn't come back next semester, which would be true. I would be. Very. Waved goodbye and walked back to my car.

Now, I'm home, thinking again -sigh-


So the hugs thing... I hug my friends. Of course, I do. Or I try anyway. But there are different types of hugs. For me, there are hugs, and there are real hugs (though, I still just call these "hugs"). My friends give me real hugs. I don't. A real hug is where you wrap your arms around the other person, and it's a tight hug, a strong one. Like, you're letting the other person know you want to hug them. My hugs (sorry, people) are not tight or strong. I just kinda wrap my arms (or one arm) around loosely and then let go as soon as possible. Sometimes, I do the pat-the-back hug.

All this time, I thought I was hugging people. But I realize I don't do it how I should or how I should want to. But hey, at least I try? I don't just stand there anymore. At least I have a reaction (wrap arms around). Yeah. I still suck. I've given real hugs before, I'm sure. I just don't remember the last time I did. Though, I think today I gave Trieu a semi-real hug haha. And yeah... >_>

I don't know why I pay attention to this. Still. I'm lame. I'm thinking too much. Every time I hug people, I have to think about it before I do it. Even with the ones that I used to always hug. I think, just about every time I gave anyone a strong hug, I had to think to myself, "Oh, I should probably hug them tighter." Usually on birthdays. Mm hmm.

If you're reading this and thinking about all the hugs I've given you, please don't feel bad or offended. I don't mean to. I'm just trying to be honest. Yeaah.

Mm, so that's all I have to say right now, I think. We should all get together this break. Party or something :P It would be wonderful if we could get the whole gang from high school together. Catch up and whatnot. Mm hmm....



Opportunities. Intentionally or not. Not. My head doesn't want to think anything. It's thinking the wrong thing. Ideal. I'm messing things up in my mind. Intentionally or not. Ahhh.. I wish... Never mind.

My mind feels jumbled. Thoughts are crossing over and such. I need sleep -__- Restful sleep. I can't get restful sleep. Even though, it's finally break. Ahh, I hope my sleep goes back to normal. It would be nice. Less tiring. Less yeah... I just need to work things out with myself. Slowly, but surely, I will get this shit right. I'm not gonna f things up. I need to make decisions. Decisive decisions XP that will hopefully be good for me, for family, for everyone. Or else I'm gonna torture myself for who knows how long.. And I've seen how torture affects people. Ain't pretty. I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna lose. Not like that.

-sigh- Not soo negative today. Just eh -shrug- I should go to bed early. But I won't. I might end up finishing Forever Odd, finally. Yeah.

I realize I didn't talk too much today. I usually talk much more than I did today. Hm. Still a pretty good day, or it feels that way.