Today wasn't planned at all...

And that may be why tonight didn't end so well for me..


Christmas Eve tomorrow, then Christmas. Regular days. Hopefully no anger to ensue. I can't deal with that now. It's Christmas. I'm not asking for anything. I just don't want any anger around here. Please. If there's going to be, could it be directed at something rather than someone? I would sincerely appreciate that. Really, no anger would be nice. In fact, I wouldn't mind if I was home alone the next two days. No risk of anger there. Or maybe two days of restful sleep. I wouldn't mind that. No one to bother me, to talk to me. I'd be happy.

I sound like a recluse.


Spent all morning and afternoon on the computer today (actually yesterday), converting YouTube videos to mp3s. Around 17h30, Mother and I went to D's. Then Maggie and Ariane invited me to go eat sushi. I went with them at 18h00. We didn't eat sushi. Instead, we stuffed ourselves with Red Robin burgers at Eastridge.

Then we went to Infinity Dance Studio for Ariane's dance class. Left around 22h15. Arrived at Palmia. Kiet picked us up in his van. Randy, Alex D, Ariel, and Andrew were there. Went downtown. Got a lil lost trying to find Christmas in the Park. Only because I couldn't figure out which way was north >_> The parking garage disoriented me.

Got to the park by like 23h04. Found Randy's Cupertino friends. Played "Catchphrase" for a bit. Took group photos. Kinda looked at the displays and whatnot, but nothing changed from last time, so I wasn't that interested XP

Walked to the Fairmont. Chilled for a while in the lobby or whatever it's called. Then went up on the elevator. Up a floor, I think. Found a piano. Randy, Andrew, Kiet, and Ariane played some music on the piano. I sat at the window. Looked over the ice rink.

Mother called, yelled, said things, and hung up. She wanted me home. It was before midnight. I tried to explain to her about the carpool thing. The group wanted to go karaoke afterward. I couldn't ask Kiet to drive me all the way home in the opposite direction..

But I told him I was in trouble, so he took me home anyway. I feel terrible..

Tonight was fun, just being with friends.... I love you guys a lot. I hate that I can't see you all very often. And every time I see any of you, I never wanna leave because I don't know when the next time I see you will be. I don't want to lose any time with you guys.


Tonight was supposed to be fun. And it was. For a lil while. Until I messed up.. I should have gone home early. Why didn't I fuckin' go home early?

I'm too selfish. I shouldn't want to go out this much. I keep fucking up. I need to stay home more. But I can't.

I'm stuck. I'm just fuckin' stuck.

And she's angry because of me. It's my fault. Because I just want to be around my friends. But I'm going out too much. I need to stop pissing her off.. I should stay home. But I don't want to. I don't do anything at home. At home, I'm just... alone and, I dunno, just not happy. But when I go out, I'm still alone but also happy for a while. Is this worth it? A few hours with friends for a few hours of bitching, blaming, and name-calling? I'm starting to think it's not worth it. Sorry.

But you know, I keep on doing this anyway. So I guess I'll go on pissing her off. She can go on being pissed off and saying the same things she always says. Why? Because I'm selfish, foolish, weak. Because she's angry, afraid. Because she's my mom and she's supposed to care this much, right? She's supposed to be this angry because she cares, right?


Later, when I wake up, I'm going to wish I didn't type this up, wish I didn't think like this, wish I'd let it go right now. But you know I need a reminder of how I used to be, how I used to think. All for future me to look back on and decide for real if I'm right or wrong for thinking like this.

This entry's more about the consequences than the actual fun of tonight.. Ugh..

Fuck, I just suck.. I wish I was stronger than I am. I wish... for a lot of things I shouldn't wish for. I should stop before I think anything worse of myself, right? Yeah. Though, I'm sure the thoughts will arise anyway. Ahhh.. I need to stop.. Let it go. Let it slide. Let it go. Let it slide.

Hope peoples had fun with karaoke and all.