Ending 2018; Starting 2019

2018 went by so fast. I feel like I only just started 2018 a couple of months ago, but a lot has happened this year.

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Usually, around this time of year, I like to look back on the events of the current year and make plans for the next, occasionally waxing poetic about changes. This time is no different haha.

2018 was a personally fulfilling year. I did things I wanted to do, whether on the spur of the moment or as part of a planned bucket list activity.
+Donated peripheral blood stem cells (Feb)
+Started my Invisalign adjustments (Mar)
+Attended Seven Lions’ Chronicles Chapter 1 in Seattle (May)
+Left a $100 tip on a cheaper meal (May)
+Attended my 10-year high school reunion (Jun)
+Donated my hair after growing it out for nearly 3 years (Aug)
+Visited Colorado and attended Illenium’s show at Red Rocks (Aug)
+Walked through a corn maze (Sep)
+Went skydiving (Nov)
+Went axe-throwing (Nov)

I spent a lot of money (14+ shows, Audiotistic, 2 Dreamstates, and EDC LV) because I decided to forego a reasonable budget. But because of all these fun adventures, all my lovely friends, and some calculated personal changes, I was able to get myself into a better mental space. The splurging was a way for me to take a break from reality and to reward myself for doing better.

2017 and the beginning of 2018 had me struggling through a lot of depressive and anxiety-ridden episodes; I sometimes wondered if I would make it to the end of the year. However, as this year progressed, I gradually turned my thoughts and worries around; I'm not super peppy or overly optimistic, but I feel more level-headed in my mental/emotional approach to my fears and worries. I definitely still have occasional setbacks, but they don't feel as oh-no-it's-the-end-of-the-world as they did at the beginning of 2018. The things that I can't seem to change, I've learned to accept; I'm always going to be an over-thinker, but consistently recognizing that what I think doesn't necessarily reflect reality has helped me maintain a grip on my sanity and perspective. Woo, progress!

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I had planned to quit my job on my birthday, but I decided to stay after my employer offered to increase my pay a bit and move me to another team. I'm grateful to still have a job during the holidays. I'm still helping out my old team because of an abnormally large amount of work that came in; so I haven't really learned anything for my new team. To be honest, I haven't really felt motivated to learn new workflows. And the reasons that made me want to leave in the first place are still there. I'm still putting out the best work I can and helping the team as much as I can, but I find myself feeling extremely apathetic about the job on most days.

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Recently, I had developed a minor crush on a guy. It's been an interesting experience. We're getting to know each other better. We're friends. We've kissed.

At first, I didn't know what it meant because we didn't really talk about it. We're friends, but we're physically and intellectually attracted to each other; overall, this is the most attracted I've felt toward any guy in my life. I wasn't sure if the emotional attraction was or would ever be there. I said as much; he concurred.

In my weird mistrust of people's words, I thought he was playing games and really could be interested in a romantic relationship. It worried me because I don't like the imbalance of feelings in any relationship. So I worried myself, wondering, "Could I be emotionally attracted to him? Emotionally attracted to a man? If I could, what would be so bad about that?" Other people's opinions... I think my mom would feel relief, which bothers me because of the I-told-you-you're-not-really-gay aspect of it. I'm also uncertain of how my queer friends would take it. Hopefully not bad because I've always said I wanted to be open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to and falling in love with a man. And I am open to it. I came to that conclusion after some major self-reflection.

I let him know what I was thinking. He said we can just be friends. (What he says is what he means, which I'm learning to trust and take at face value. Typically, some guys, who said they only wanted friendship, were really hoping for more, which put a weird strain on our friendships.) I was disappointed by his response but not as much as I thought I would be. Probably because of the lack of emotional connection haha; he's not a very emotional person, whereas I am; he's more of a let-it-go person, whereas I'm not. So it works out. I'm over it now.

We're still friends. We're still physically attracted to each other. We've set our boundaries.

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I'm going to ring in the new year at Kaskade's show in SF with Matt and his new boyfriend, Khai. I don't think any of our other close friends will be there; they're either keeping it low-key or going to another NYE event. This will be a different experience. I've always gone to NYE events with people who were there with me. I know Matt and Khai will be there, but I don't know if it will be quite the same with my third-wheel status haha. I know I'll have fun no matter what though; so it doesn't really matter.

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I don’t have many plans for 2019 yet, and the few I have are tentative as always. I’m also gonna set another EDM ticket budget, and I won't scrap it this time.

Shows and Festivals:
+Wobbleland - SF
+Gryffin - SF
+Excision - SF
+EDC LV of course

Other:
+Finish my Invisalign adjustments sometime in March
+Bucket list: Go to a range and shoot something. (I've put this off for so long.)
+Bucket list: Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. (I've also put this off for too long.)
+LASIK
-I bought a camping package for Electric Forest 2019; however, I’m going to sell it to put that money toward the LASIK and/or family instead. (The brother is out of a job; so I feel weird trying to plan multiple expensive vacations while he's struggling.)
+Attend a different, cheaper, and closer music festival instead
+Skydive again, hopefully without glasses this time
+New tattoo
+Camping with friends
+Visit at least one new place; haven't decided where yet

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I'm always thinking about change. About how I really want it, about how I strongly want to avoid it, about how it's necessary for life.

But at this point, I don't know what changes I want to make. I think the best I can do are the physical changes (i.e. Invisalign, LASIK, wardrobe). The mental changes are harder because I don't know what needs to improve. My self-image is better than ever; not great, but better than it has been.

I think getting a new job will probably become a priority for this year. I've been on my team for 3.5 years now, and I don't feel much like a valued employee. I mean I am still here and got a small pay raise, but watching most of my coworkers get laid off and be replaced by new hires through a different agency left a terrible taste in my mouth. And the coworkers that are still around are slowly getting jobs elsewhere and leaving. I don't want to be the last one here. I don't want to lose that sense of family that we had all built together. But it's happening. I feel like we're all just hanging on to the last bit of family we have on this project until we can find a new workplace to call home.

Anyway, change is always happening, whether we're aware of it. I guess I just need to take charge of the changes in my life as much as I can.

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2018 has been a good and weird year. Not my favorite, but it was an enjoyable learning experience.