Ending 2018; Starting 2019

2018 went by so fast. I feel like I only just started 2018 a couple of months ago, but a lot has happened this year.

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Usually, around this time of year, I like to look back on the events of the current year and make plans for the next, occasionally waxing poetic about changes. This time is no different haha.

2018 was a personally fulfilling year. I did things I wanted to do, whether on the spur of the moment or as part of a planned bucket list activity.
+Donated peripheral blood stem cells (Feb)
+Started my Invisalign adjustments (Mar)
+Attended Seven Lions’ Chronicles Chapter 1 in Seattle (May)
+Left a $100 tip on a cheaper meal (May)
+Attended my 10-year high school reunion (Jun)
+Donated my hair after growing it out for nearly 3 years (Aug)
+Visited Colorado and attended Illenium’s show at Red Rocks (Aug)
+Walked through a corn maze (Sep)
+Went skydiving (Nov)
+Went axe-throwing (Nov)

I spent a lot of money (14+ shows, Audiotistic, 2 Dreamstates, and EDC LV) because I decided to forego a reasonable budget. But because of all these fun adventures, all my lovely friends, and some calculated personal changes, I was able to get myself into a better mental space. The splurging was a way for me to take a break from reality and to reward myself for doing better.

2017 and the beginning of 2018 had me struggling through a lot of depressive and anxiety-ridden episodes; I sometimes wondered if I would make it to the end of the year. However, as this year progressed, I gradually turned my thoughts and worries around; I'm not super peppy or overly optimistic, but I feel more level-headed in my mental/emotional approach to my fears and worries. I definitely still have occasional setbacks, but they don't feel as oh-no-it's-the-end-of-the-world as they did at the beginning of 2018. The things that I can't seem to change, I've learned to accept; I'm always going to be an over-thinker, but consistently recognizing that what I think doesn't necessarily reflect reality has helped me maintain a grip on my sanity and perspective. Woo, progress!

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I had planned to quit my job on my birthday, but I decided to stay after my employer offered to increase my pay a bit and move me to another team. I'm grateful to still have a job during the holidays. I'm still helping out my old team because of an abnormally large amount of work that came in; so I haven't really learned anything for my new team. To be honest, I haven't really felt motivated to learn new workflows. And the reasons that made me want to leave in the first place are still there. I'm still putting out the best work I can and helping the team as much as I can, but I find myself feeling extremely apathetic about the job on most days.

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Recently, I had developed a minor crush on a guy. It's been an interesting experience. We're getting to know each other better. We're friends. We've kissed.

At first, I didn't know what it meant because we didn't really talk about it. We're friends, but we're physically and intellectually attracted to each other; overall, this is the most attracted I've felt toward any guy in my life. I wasn't sure if the emotional attraction was or would ever be there. I said as much; he concurred.

In my weird mistrust of people's words, I thought he was playing games and really could be interested in a romantic relationship. It worried me because I don't like the imbalance of feelings in any relationship. So I worried myself, wondering, "Could I be emotionally attracted to him? Emotionally attracted to a man? If I could, what would be so bad about that?" Other people's opinions... I think my mom would feel relief, which bothers me because of the I-told-you-you're-not-really-gay aspect of it. I'm also uncertain of how my queer friends would take it. Hopefully not bad because I've always said I wanted to be open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to and falling in love with a man. And I am open to it. I came to that conclusion after some major self-reflection.

I let him know what I was thinking. He said we can just be friends. (What he says is what he means, which I'm learning to trust and take at face value. Typically, some guys, who said they only wanted friendship, were really hoping for more, which put a weird strain on our friendships.) I was disappointed by his response but not as much as I thought I would be. Probably because of the lack of emotional connection haha; he's not a very emotional person, whereas I am; he's more of a let-it-go person, whereas I'm not. So it works out. I'm over it now.

We're still friends. We're still physically attracted to each other. We've set our boundaries.

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I'm going to ring in the new year at Kaskade's show in SF with Matt and his new boyfriend, Khai. I don't think any of our other close friends will be there; they're either keeping it low-key or going to another NYE event. This will be a different experience. I've always gone to NYE events with people who were there with me. I know Matt and Khai will be there, but I don't know if it will be quite the same with my third-wheel status haha. I know I'll have fun no matter what though; so it doesn't really matter.

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I don’t have many plans for 2019 yet, and the few I have are tentative as always. I’m also gonna set another EDM ticket budget, and I won't scrap it this time.

Shows and Festivals:
+Wobbleland - SF
+Gryffin - SF
+Excision - SF
+EDC LV of course

Other:
+Finish my Invisalign adjustments sometime in March
+Bucket list: Go to a range and shoot something. (I've put this off for so long.)
+Bucket list: Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. (I've also put this off for too long.)
+LASIK
-I bought a camping package for Electric Forest 2019; however, I’m going to sell it to put that money toward the LASIK and/or family instead. (The brother is out of a job; so I feel weird trying to plan multiple expensive vacations while he's struggling.)
+Attend a different, cheaper, and closer music festival instead
+Skydive again, hopefully without glasses this time
+New tattoo
+Camping with friends
+Visit at least one new place; haven't decided where yet

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I'm always thinking about change. About how I really want it, about how I strongly want to avoid it, about how it's necessary for life.

But at this point, I don't know what changes I want to make. I think the best I can do are the physical changes (i.e. Invisalign, LASIK, wardrobe). The mental changes are harder because I don't know what needs to improve. My self-image is better than ever; not great, but better than it has been.

I think getting a new job will probably become a priority for this year. I've been on my team for 3.5 years now, and I don't feel much like a valued employee. I mean I am still here and got a small pay raise, but watching most of my coworkers get laid off and be replaced by new hires through a different agency left a terrible taste in my mouth. And the coworkers that are still around are slowly getting jobs elsewhere and leaving. I don't want to be the last one here. I don't want to lose that sense of family that we had all built together. But it's happening. I feel like we're all just hanging on to the last bit of family we have on this project until we can find a new workplace to call home.

Anyway, change is always happening, whether we're aware of it. I guess I just need to take charge of the changes in my life as much as I can.

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2018 has been a good and weird year. Not my favorite, but it was an enjoyable learning experience.

A History of My Hair

I had various, shorter hairstyles chosen by my mom for most of my childhood and adolescence. I was frequently mistaken for a boy and occasionally bullied for it, which made me feel really insecure at times. But I dealt with it somehow and I never once thought I should grow out my hair to make things easier.

When I was a junior in high school, I decided to let my hair grow to my shoulders, which felt very strange. I just wanted to see what it would look like; would I actually look unattractive? My mom used to tell me that I would, which is why she always had me have short hair. I thought I looked all right.

I decided to cut my hair short again my senior year of high school because longer hair required too much effort and I was lazy haha. Back to normal. Ish.

During my freshman year of college, I decided to get my first “radical” hairstyle, a faux hawk. I wanted to explore something new. My mom freaked out; we argued. I kept the faux hawk for a couple of months. I grew it out because I again got lazy with maintenance. It required product and at least twenty minutes to style every day. That was a lot of time and effort I didn’t want to expend anymore.

At that point, I also just didn’t feel like getting my monthly haircut. And that feeling lasted for two and a half years. Really, after a year, I decided I wanted to grow my hair long enough to donate. During the winter of my senior year of college, I donated my hair to Pantene’s Beautiful Lengths for the first time. :)

I tried another, slightly longer faux hawk this time. Again, my mom and I argued. She was upset that I looked “like a man.” She threatened to shave my head as punishment. I told her to do it because I would be happy to do it. She had no response for that.

I suppose I should also add that I had been out to my mom since senior year of high school. My coming out to her was not a positive experience, and we haven’t even attempted to broach the subject since. Anyway, my styling choices just aggravated her discomfort with my sexuality. She was freaking out that I was “flaunting my lifestyle to the world”; not her words, but I knew what she meant. I wasn’t; I just wanted to do something different with my hair. I was not trying to be gayer haha.

The tension between my mom and me increased exponentially because of this. So I mellowed out with the hair to ease the tension. A small concession just to make life bearable.

Fast forward to over a year later. I got my hair buzzed two weeks after I moved out of my mom’s house in 2013. I wore a beanie every time I saw my parents for a couple of months haha. And then I continued to let my hair grow for a year and a half. Then I donated it again in December 2014. I decided to keep a simple style, reminiscent of my adolescence.

Then for half of 2015, I did variations of a fade and slick back combo. I truly enjoyed the look. But you know what happened; laziness kicked in. All that product, meh.

So I decided to buzz my hair again. And I actually decided I would try to grow it out for three years and then donate it once more. I wanted to see if I would have the patience to wait for my hair to reach my hips.

I’m less than two months shy of exactly three years, but my hair reaches my hips. I was going to wait until October to cut and donate my hair. However, my hair is annoying me, and I want to have short hair while it’s still hot out.

This upcoming weekend, I’m going to cut and donate my hair. I would do it sooner, but I feel like I should see my parents first and give them a head’s up, so they won’t be shocked the next time they see me. I can already hear my mom flipping out. But hey, at least this time, I’m giving her some warning. :P

I can’t wait to feel the weight literally be removed from my head haha.

As for the style, I might go for a pixie cut. No idea yet. Might decide on the spot. I would buzz my hair, but I think I'll wait for another time. I'm also not sure when I'll start growing out my hair to donate again.

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I'm glad I grew up and matured. I don't care if people mistake me for a man or judge me for it anymore. So I'm willing to try different hairstyles.

I still kinda hide some of my style decisions from my parents. Not because I'm ashamed or guilty. More because I just don't feel like arguing with them every time I see them. They won't change their minds, and I'm not going to change mine. We're going to argue about my choices. I don't want to not do what I want to do just to avoid arguing. I only see them once a week. So I should do what I feel comfortable doing, especially when I'm the one living with myself. But I'll do my best to avoid conflict with my parents because it's not worth my time when it's not constructive.

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I legally have been an adult for almost a decade. Technically, I’ve had long hair for more than half of my adult life. Weird.

After all these years, I still don’t know how to do anything with long hair other than put it in a ponytail haha.

What not to say to a friend experiencing a mental health problem

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I don't necessarily think all of these are bad, per se, but when, how, and why we say them is crucial to the conversation.

If our friends aren't in the right mindset, then it's not a good time to say anything. It's good to just listen and pay attention for any warning signs. If we waste our time on unsolicited advice, we might miss some important signs. When our friends are in a better headspace and are more receptive to feedback, then we have an opportunity to add our two cents. Just remember it's our two cents, not fact.

Our word choice and body language are very important because it shows our intentions and our understanding of our friends' situations. Our demeanor shows them if we're listening or dismissive. What they think we're thinking or doing determines how much more they'll reveal to us and how much our words will sink in.

Our true intentions with our words will determine if we help or hurt our friends. Speaking out of frustration will never be helpful. Frustration is there because we want to help but we can't. We can't control our friends. We see the solution, but they don't. Or they do, but they won't follow through. We can't make them.

Speaking through encouragement (positive reinforcement) is slow and arduous, but I think it's the most helpful in most situations. It's definitely a test of our patience. But hey, we're only dealing with the problem for this moment; our friends have to deal with it almost every day alone. Tbh, if we're that frustrated with our friends, imagine how frustrated they are with themselves.

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Back to the link:

Therapists and counselors may try to get us to realize these things on our own. But there's a difference between a person who's trained to help us come to our own conclusions and a person who's just putting in their two cents on what they think our problem is.

One has built our trust, reminds us that they're coming from a place of understanding, and encourages us to take our next steps. The other doesn't necessarily make that same effort because it seems unnecessary when the message is coming from a friend. And this is why a therapist is a therapist, not a friend.

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Mental health problems suck. Sometimes, our brains know one thing, but they think the opposite; and we're so damn aware of this disconnect. Being bluntly reminded of how disconnected our brains are is irritating. "You just need to do this (i.e. take care of yourself, exercise, eat better, stop overthinking), and you won't have those problems anymore." Sometimes, it is that simple; but fun fact: It's not always that simple.

I get frustrated hearing things like that because I know it could be that simple but I don't let it be. I definitely don't feel encouraged when people say things like that to me. If anything, there's some irrational part of me that wants to do the opposite of what they say just to spite them. Or is it to spite myself? Because I fail at something that's so easy for others, I deserve to fail harder and hurt myself more. Irrational.

It's funny though. I've had conversations with friends about my issues and baggage. They offer advice. Sometimes, I ignore it. Other times, I listen. But I never take their advice immediately. It has to sit and simmer. Time has to pass before I put their advice into action. Although, if my friends bring it up again too soon, I have to let it simmer longer.

I like it when my friends don't give me direct advice. Instead, they offer suggestions. Suggestions don't have to simmer as long as advice does.

The Four Agreements - Don Miguel Ruiz

Be impeccable with your word.
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't take anything personally.
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't make assumptions.
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best.
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.


I feel like I'm always revisiting these kinds of thoughts because I always end up forgetting about them after a while.

Such simple things to keep in mind. I remember them and live by them for some time, usually during a period where I'm de-cluttering, re-evaluating some life decisions, and proactively resolving some inner turmoil. I maintain course, and life gets good. Everything goes well. Then somewhere along the way, I forget to maintain; I fall back to bad habits and fall into the usual ruts. I'm aware of it some of the time; other times, other people have to point it out to me.


I think the first agreement is usually the easiest for me to keep. Occasionally, I need gentle reminders to not speak badly of anyone. Learning to vent my pent-up frustrations with myself and others properly and in a manner that is helpful rather than hurtful. I still make mistakes and hurt people. I hope I'm doing right by owning up to the things I carelessly say. I hope I'm owning up to them.

The second agreement is hardest for me. I know I internalize everything. I've never been one to really trust my own judgment of anything. I've always relied on others to give me feedback and accepted them as true without much more thought. I dwell on others' negative perception and judgment of me. I've come to the realization that, when I judge others, I'm viewing with my own lens and biases; the standards and rules that I apply to my own life should not be applied to others. I have to remind myself that other people do the same, and that I shouldn't be living up to anyone's standards but my own. My standards may line up with others', but they're not the same.

I try not to jump to conclusions. And when I do, I try not to hold onto those conclusions when I'm presented with proof to the contrary. I've found that many misunderstandings have led to some of the worst arguments and conflicts in my life. They strained and broke some relationships, and we've never been able to salvage them. I think we damaged our relationships because each of us held onto our own perspective with ridiculous stubbornness and believed that the other was unreasonable for not seeing our perspective or, worse, the other did see our perspective and still hurt us anyway.

The fourth agreement is so simple, yet my mind won't let it stay simple. There's always a scale of success to judge myself on. When I don't overthink, my best feels like enough. But I'm prone to overthinking, something that I feel very little control over. I'm always living in my thoughts and wondering if I could have done better. Sometimes, I remember I couldn't have done better in that moment. Other times, I tell myself I should have done better, despite the circumstances of that moment.


Life is the way it is; it is not the way I wish it to be. I can't control it. I can only help guide my little piece of it. People are who they are; I can't change them. I can't even really change myself (I'm always falling back to the me that hasn't "improved"), but I can continue to learn to direct my energy toward the positive, the beautiful, the changing, the hopeful.

I have my moments where I wish I could reset to or restore the simplicity of my privileged and naive childhood. If I could have helped younger me to not internalize and hold onto all the traumas and pains of experiencing life, I would have taught myself to learn from the experiences and not be so afraid. Alas, I wasn't able to do that then. But I can do that now.

Whatever happens happens. Life goes on, and we will move on with it. So, live and love genuinely out of love.

^I should write that on a piece of paper and carry it with me. I used to do things like that, and it helped with the not forgetting. I'll do that.

What budget?

My resolve is weak. I want to adventure into the festival world. I haven't even gone a full week into 2018 yet; I'm already thinking of scrapping my rave ticket budget. 😅

I originally figured, if I raised my budget enough to cover EDC LV 2018, I would have more money to spend on smaller events throughout the year. Sounds good because I usually don't think about going to other major festivals.

But after seeing this year's Coachella lineup, I'm tempted. Mainly for the smaller names. I really wanna listen to them live before they blow up.  :) It would also be cool to check out a festival that's not strictly EDM. I had been considering Bonnaroo or Outside Lands as well. I may still choose one of those in the following years over Coachella.

If I decide to go to Coachella, I think I'm going to revise my budget plan. Actually, I'm going to ask for a pay raise at work first; it's long overdue. I haven't asked for a raise of any kind since 2016. And if I can get the pay I would like to have, Coachella may actually happen. And if Coachella happens, then I may start to revise and split my budget. One budget for festival tickets and one budget for massives and shows. I don't think I have the willpower to follow another strict overall budget this year haha.

My thrift may give way to extravagant adventures in 2018. I don't know yet. Maybe I'll find a balance between my 2013-2016 self and my 2017 self... Maybe not. Ugh. I'm conflicted between saving more money and indulging myself more frequently.

Must maintain moderation. I had been pretty darn good about it in 2017, so that I could travel and save money to help my family. This year, travel isn't as important. I was hoping to make travel a priority for 2018, but I realize travel really isn't my thing. I'll do it to visit friends and spend time with them. But I don't have any cemented travel plans; so raving may go up my priority list this year haha.

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I believe Coachella passes have already sold out. The Internet went a little crazy yesterday about this. But I've decided: If I can't get a pass within 20% of face value, then I probably won't go. I'm not paying an absurd amount over face value for any event. I wouldn't even do that for EDC haha.

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I don't really know what my priorities are right now... Sometimes, I think I want to rave until I die; dance, headbang, groove, and sway until all of my energy is depleted. Other times, I feel like I just want to save my money and energy for a nice, comfortable future.