New Year's 2013

2012 is coming to a close. It's been an awesome year. I hope 2013 will be just as epic and amazing.

I know 2013 will be full of changes, just like 2012 was. This year, I've made a lot of personal changes. I'm really looking forward to starting 2013.

I also know a few of my closest friends will be leaving San Jose next year. I guess I'll have to get used to it. It will be like graduating from high school and starting college all over again. I can only wish the the best for my friends and hope we keep in touch.

Eventually, I'll make my own home in another city. For now, I'll just be happy for my friends and for myself.

Anyway, 2013, so exciting. Every new year is always exciting :)

I'll be greeting 2013 with Shiva, Mai, Harrison, maybe Brian, maybe Chau, and Vivi tonight. So I guess I won't continue my trend of celebrating the new year with different people. Oh well.

Ah, just excited. Can't think haha.

Happy New Year, everyone! :)

I haven't had insomnia in a while.

I felt so wired in bed. I think I got maybe two hours of sleep this morning. My brain wouldn't stop thinking and planning. Every time I stopped to try to go to sleep, the lull wouldn't last long. I think I managed to drift off a handful of times, but each time I would wake up thinking things over. I tried listening to music, but that didn't keep me asleep for long.

Then at probably 6 in the morning, one of my cousins in Vietnam called Mother's cell phone. And she was awake talking for an hour. I don't know what the conversation was about, but usually when we get a call from Vietnam, it's not good news. I'll have to ask Mother about it later when I'm less tired.

So what was I thinking about from 11pm to 8am, when I finally clocked out for longer bit? Just trying to plan everything for the beginning of 2013.

Yesterday, Mother, D, and I had a conversation about me starting work and moving out of Mother's house. Mother has Section 8 housing. I have to move out before or as soon as I start working. We have to notify Housing Authority of the change in household composition within 10 days. There are forms and verification of my leave to submit in those ten days. I also need to get a bank account, so my employer can pay me with direct deposit rather than a mailed paycheck. Because, apparently, if Mother receives my paychecks, that is immediate proof that I still live with her even when I've obviously moved out -_- But I can't get the bank account now because I still live with Mother and we would have to notify HA of my account. Then they'd possibly increase her rent.

So essentially, I just need to do all these things the day before I start working. Except I don't know when I start yet. And I'm not sure how many days' notice I'll get in the first place.

All simple tasks to do. Just so many. I'm sure I've forgotten a few already. I should write these things down. Mother is freaking out because she's afraid we won't follow procedure properly and she'll lose her Section 8 -_- I just sat there, thinking, "Maybe it's about time you do, since you keep panicking about it. I don't think it's healthy for you to stay on this program." Too bad I can't say it. I really think living with Section 8 stresses her way more than it should.

Anyway, other things plaguing my mind: strict budgeting and saving plan. Commute from downtown SJ to workplace is 16 miles. Round trip would cost me about a gallon and a half of gas. Roughly 7.5 gallons a work week. That's more than half my tank. 30ish dollars a work week. Need to consider weekend driving. For now, let's say 120 a month for gas. (My budget plan allows for 150 a month, so I'm good here.) I think for the first month or so after I move out, I'll limit my weekend driving to when I need to go somewhere. Otherwise, I'll bum a ride and chip in for gas :P

Initially, when I move out, I'm planning to live with Shiva and Killol for a while. Until I can save up enough money for ideally first two months' rent and security deposit for a room of my own. So I'm thinking maybe a thousand dollars. Preferably a room within ten miles of my workplace. That limits me to places in Mountain View, Sunnyvale, Santa Clara, Milpitas, and north and west San Jose. I looked on craigslist last night just to get a general idea of what I would want to look for when the time came. Ignoring all the ads for guys looking for female roommates with benefits, there seems to be a good amount of rooms for the price range I'm looking for. I don't ask for much. I just need a place to store my stuff, to sleep, and to shower.

Ah, so much stuff to think about. When I move somewhere closer to my workplace, I'll save on my average mileage and gas during the work week. But it also means that I'd have a longer drive to see my friends.

Mm, so since I'll make ten dollars an hour for forty hours a week, I'm assuming I'll make seven dollars an hour after taxes. (I'm not actually sure how much tax will be taken out yet, but I hopefully am overestimating the tax.) So I'll make 280 a week. I told Shiva I was willing to pay a week's worth of pay as my rent. That leaves 840 for the rest of the month. Take out the 150 for gas, and I'm left with 690. Ideally, I want to save 500 a month, so that I'll move out of Shiva and Killol's apartment sooner. That basically leaves me with 190 for spending money. Less than fifty dollars a week. I could live off of that if I spend wisely.

Mother offered to provide me with lunch, but that just wastes my gas. A gallon just to go to her place and back to mine. I think I'll stick to just visiting her on the weekend. Plus, I don't want her to think I can't live on my own without her. She doesn't think Brother can do it, since he comes home every few days and asks to borrow money and to have some things to use, like detergent and shampoo. I don't plan to do that. I plan to move out and rely on myself. I'll only ask Mother for help when I'm in a really tight spot. But even then, I might just turn to friends because I know they won't hold it over my head or against me.

Let's see. I still have about 300 dollars left from the summer. Will probably spend about forty of it this weekend. Leaves me with 260. Then we have a change jars. I'm planning to ask Mother if I can cash in the change and put the money toward my rent/savings. I'm hoping there's at least a hundred dollars in there.


I know, this is a lot of stuff that's not important to you. But I need to put it down somewhere, or else I might not be able to sleep tonight.


When I start work, I'll most likely be working from 5:45am to 2:15pm every day. Yay, morning! I'm so excited. This means I'll probably get up at 4 or 4:30 in the morning and leave by 5. It also means I'd get home around 3. Exercise, eat, shower by 4:30pm. Maybe visit some friends at SJSU. Bed by 9:30pm. Start the cycle over. Yay, routine! I can't wait to start this routine. It will be a nice change from the past six or seven months.


Yes, I know, I know. I can't help it. When great change is imminent, I start to overthink. I start having ideas about what I want to do to be prepared. I like being prepared. Mother keeps trying to butt into my plans, so I'm not making plans. I just have ideas of plans. I hope they come to fruition. I hope everything works out.

Good song (or at least the chorus) that perfectly fits my mood right now: "Tell Me A Story" by Phillip Phillips :)


I feel so jittery, and I've had no stimulants. Not enough sleep. Still thinking too much. Need to stop. I've probably forgotten half the things I thought of last night. Consequences of insomniaaa!

Ok. I should go. But I'm excited! I'm surprised I was able to do math in my head last night/this morning. Yeah. Ok, going now.

Successful job interview?

So I had a job interview with Randstad In House Services today in Mountain View. Awesome. Tomoyo, the person who interviewed me, was really nice and welcoming :) Not intimidating, which put me at ease. I wasn't very nervous--that's a first. If my coworkers are all as nice as Tomoyo, then I think I'll be happy with the job. The whole interview process, including filling out some paperwork, lasted about forty-five minutes.

She spent a part of the interview explaining various aspects of the job, including job duties and behavior codes. When she was going through the list of things to not do at work, I laughed a few times because I couldn't imagine doing those things myself. And I assured her that I wouldn't. But I guess my word doesn't mean much until people actually witness it. There were a couple of times where I wanted to interrupt and say I couldn't even make myself do whatever it was that wasn't allowed. Talking on the phone, falling asleep on the job because it gets boring, and getting out of my seat too often... I silence my phone as soon as I walk into a work environment; I can't fall asleep if I'm too busy focusing on my work; my biggest worry about this job is that I'm afraid I might not get up often enough. I've forgotten to eat lunch several times because I didn't pay attention to the clock. Just glued to my chair.

I had all these responses in my head, but I didn't want to be rude by interrupting. But yeah, based on everything she's mentioned about the job, the Do's and Don'ts, I think I will love this job. It might be a repetitive job, but that's what I've been looking for. A job that doesn't require a lot of speaking, allows me to work alone within a small group of people, and doesn't tax my brain (unless it's with puzzles). It really is the perfect job for me at this point in my life. I hope she believed me when I said that. I wasn't just saying that so that I could get the job. I like repetition and routine. Changing it up once in a while would add tons of excitement to my life XP

So it seems that I've got the job. A conditional hire, since the company still needs to do a background check on me. Though, even after that's done, I may not start immediately. Randstad has to wait for further instructions from Google regarding work assignments and the number of employees needed. But yeah, so Randstad (or at least this branch of it) provides temporary employees for Google. Two-year contract. I might start next week. I might start in a month. To be honest, I don't care when I start as long as I start. But I do hope I can get started sooner than later haha. I'm excited :)

I just finished filling out and submitting a W-4 and other online work-related documents. Company policies, so many... They prohibit so many things; it scares me because if I broke any rules, it would probably happen because I forgot a rule -_- But looking through it, I'm not at risk of breaking any of those rules. I don't plan to get a second job. I didn't even know what AdSense or AdWord were until I looked them up just now. I don't know how to hack anything unless it's physically with a cleaver and chopping board :P I don't remember how stocks work, but I don't know anyone who invests or anything. I should be ok with my blog because it's private and not searchable. Though, maybe I should ask about blogs just to be certain because their section on blogs was vague.

I was sooo confused about the tax forms. But I got through it. Hopefully, I filled everything out properly. I didn't have any help except for whatever links appeared when I googled "w-4 withholding allowances" and "w-4 exemptions." Even the explanations were complicated -_-; At least I'm done with that for now.

Now, I just have to wait to hear from Tomoyo about my start date. In the meantime, I'll look for other work. Just in case something happens to prevent me from working for Randstad.


No matter how much negativity Mother is trying to pile onto my current excitement about work, I'm good. I know she's trying to be realistic. But seriously, she's just trying to look for all the possible problems that could happen.

I'm pretty happy right now. While the end of 2012 hasn't been going all too well for my family, good things are happening for me personally. 2013 will hopefully start off as a wonderful beginning for me. My first steps into independence and self-reliance, and then eventually I can take care of my family for a change. Amazing. So exciting!

Now, I have renewed vigor for clearing out the clutter in my room (again). Also for planning housing arrangements. And money-saving plans.

Parts of my life are falling into place. Yay! I'm gonna be ok :) Whew.

The heaviness won't leave.

Chau's End-of-the-World/Christmas get-together happened last night. That was fun. I ended up driving Harrison and Vivi there.

Shiva, Mai, Jen, Karishma, Ash, and Don were also there.

The events of the night included decorating stockings, Toy Story 1 through 3, Mai attempting to prevent Shiva from watching Toy Story 3 because Shiva didn't remember the second movie, alcohol consumption, White Elephant, Cards Against Humanity, YouTube karaoke, broken glass, panoramic group photos, and generally silly behavior.

While the night overall was fun, I was in an off mood. A really off mood. A part of me feels like I really shouldn't have gone because I wasn't being very involved in anything. Another part of me is glad that I got out of the house because of the family stuff. But really, I probably should have spent more time alone. Outside but alone.

Being around my friends, while comforting, was a little difficult because I didn't want to talk to anyone. But I was, I did, and I tried to engage myself in a few activities. I managed to get lost in the fun for parts of the night. But once I simmered down, I could barely smile at times.

I focused on the movies instead because I think movies have always been able to distract me. Besides, the Toy Story series is awesome. Movies that taught me to talk to my toys when I was a child. I learned to apologize to my toys when I dropped them or hadn't played with them in a while haha. I was very nice to my toys. Oh, memories.

I wasn't letting myself have a completely good time though. I wasn't letting myself get excited about anything. I think if I did, I might have started crying at some point. I also partly felt guilty because I had left my house during an important family discussion. "Maybe I should have stuck around and participated in the discussion." Really, it was part discussion, part yelling fest. I tried to add my voice in, but I don't think anyone but D listened to me.

When I got the call from Harrison asking if I could drive, I jumped at the chance to leave immediately. I probably should have stayed. But how would I have been heard? Besides, Brother seems to have a plan. A plan to try to get the smallest possible sentence for his third DUI. Not a plan to change and improve his life. A plan to impress the judge when he goes to court. Not a plan to learn how to understand the consequences of his decisions and actions. A plan to pay his DUI lawyer. Not a plan to protect his future or his own damn life.

Yeah, this kept reverberating through my head throughout the night, and I couldn't do anything to make it go away. I should have been alone.

But my friends are amazing people. Harrison and Shiva knew what's been going on. So they were comforting me here and there. Harrison had some of his own things to work through, so we were literally leaning on each other or holding each other's hand at times. It was reassuring.

I realize I never eat much if anything when I'm feeling down. For the past 25 hours, I've had a cherry tomato, a poptart (this afternoon), and two chocolate chip cookies (also this afternoon). I felt the hunger, but I couldn't make myself eat. Blah. I need to learn to take care of myself better.

I need to get all this heaviness out. But I can't. I haven't been able to. Shiva and I talked about stuff this morning. And I cried a bit, and she held me, which I so very much needed. But I couldn't let it all out. I just can't right now. But I know I need to. I just need to get to a point where I can. I dunno how. Maybe it will just happen. Unexpectedly /:

And Harrison, I know you're reading this. I hope you're doing better. I know you want to be there for me, and I'm trying to open up. But it's very difficult. So please don't think that I don't love you or that I don't want you around if I can't confide in you, cry in front of you, or ask you for help or anything. I'm still learning. Just ask Shiva.

Really, that previous paragraph is addressed to any friend who's reading this. If you're reading this blog, especially through a link that I've personally given to you (y'all know who you are), you should know that the level of trust and comfort that I have with you is deep. I might not know how to show it, but I know I feel it. And I hope you feel it too. I might not always act like we're really close, but we are. If you're someone that I actually know in person and I'm letting you read the thoughts that I can articulate, then damn we're close. I hope you all know that. I hope you know that I love you, even if I don't say it :) I want you to feel the love that radiates from me to you. Can you feel it? If you don't, I'm gonna have to fix that.


Oh, I have a decorated stocking :) haha. I didn't decorate one because I didn't feel like it. Not in the festive mood currently, you know. And some people just thought I was strange for not wanting a stocking because I couldn't really explain why to anyone. But some friends thought I should have one anyway. I know Harrison started it and put my name on it. Vivi added her penguin. Shiva added Chubby Kitty XP And "Chau was [t]here" haha. I don't know who stuck on all the styrofoam presents, snowflakes, gingerbread man, or the bell. But I nearly laughed when I saw this stocking that mysteriously had my name on it haha. Awesome friends, I tell you. Even when I wasn't adding any fun to the party, my friends still included me somehow anyway. It felt nice.


Sorry, my thoughts are all over. That seemed kinda random and out of place haha. Well, now I'm feeling better thinking about my friends and my love for my friends. Ah, I'm feeling so much better now. Maybe the end of 2012 won't be so bad. Maybe I just need new perspectives.


Hmm, I think the surprise stocking may have been one of the biggest highlights of my night. You know, aside from being with friends in general. I should have hugged my friends more. I can't stop smiling about the stocking. I'm gonna keep it with me for the rest of my life! :D It's one of those personalized gifts that I can't get rid of.

Thank you, friends. While my increasing happiness may be a day late, I'm grateful that you made my weekend better. A nice, simple gesture that has had a resounding effect on me. I love you all so much. And no, I'm not drunk. That is not the reason I'm suddenly all happy and loving in this blog post. This stocking just really means a lot to me. Who would have thought this stocking was going to have such an impact on me?


The heaviness is slowly leaving...

Just keep it together.

I feel like if anyone touches me, I'm going to fall apart.


Later, Mother is going to take me to see a Buddhist monk or something. The monk told her that 2013 will be a bad year for me unless he blesses me. Someone's going to steal my car. Or rather, someone will dupe me into giving them my car.

So Mother is gonna take me to a temple. So we'll have good luck.

Normally, I wouldn't care. But right now, I'm fairly confident I will find a job soon. It's gonna be all on me. Except when I do get a job, Mother is going to believe it was because of her and her virtue that I get a job. I'm not going to get any credit for it. But I know it will have been from my effort. 100%. Mother just won't recognize it. She won't see that I try. She'll continue to believe that I don't do anything for myself.

Is it stupid that I'm upset about this?

She thinks all the good things that happen to our family is because of her virtue. All the bad things come from everyone else's vices.

I'm not upset. I'm angry.

She thinks prayers and blessings will help or save Brother. He's going to jail. His third DUI, caught speeding, while on probation. There's no getting around that. Why would any judge be lenient on him? I wouldn't. The only reason the last judge was lenient on Brother was because Mother had been in the courtroom bawling and the prosecutor took pity on her.

If prayers and blessings don't do shit, it's not Mother's fault. It's ours. If something bad happens next year, it's automatically due to the inherently wrong things within us, not her. Or we just didn't pray enough. Or we didn't listen to her and do as she said. We didn't care enough.

If we don't care, why does she have to care? I never said she had to care. Where did she get that idea? If she wants to stop caring, go ahead. Do it. I'm not the boss of her. If she wants to stop caring, who am I to stop her? But I know she can't help but care. So why is it our fault that she cares too much? Why does she have to complain that she has to care about us much?


Rawr. I just want to do things on my own. With the help of those who will help me when I ask for it. I don't ask for more than that. She throws her "help" into it and acts like it's the only help that will do anything for me. Even more than what I can do for myself.

She's so used to taking care of Brother and helping him out of his problems that she thinks I'm exactly like him. I am fucking sick and tired of her acting like and believing I am exactly like him. I am not my brother. What have I done that proves I'm just like him? Nothing! So why can't she see that?

She doesn't want to treat me any differently than she wants to treat him. What she does with me is what she wishes she could do with Brother. Lock him up in his room, yell at him for every minor problem, yell at him for everything that doesn't matter, control his movements, control his behavior, give him approval before he does anything.


Gahh! What kind of holiday spirits are we in? This feels like the worst spirit I've been in at this time of year.


I need to keep it together. But I feel like I'm going to snap. Or break down. I just want to break down. But I'm going to keep it together. That might mean I can't see anyone for a little while. Or maybe I should. Just to get away.

Please, just get through today. Tomorrow, I can try to get away.

I need distractions.

I need a job.

So I couldn't sleep until 1am this morning. Too much thinking. Just so much thought on finding work and moving out. I will move out on my own before next summer. I need to get out.

I've told Mother. I've told D. They know I need to move out. D supports me moving out when I'm ready. (I'm so mentally ready. Just need to be financially ready.) Mother is having second thoughts and doesn't want me to move out, except she does want me to move out. I'm getting mixed signals.

Mother has no confidence in me. She's completely afraid that I will get a job and lose it after two weeks. Who does she think I am? Brother? I am not Brother. I won't drink and drive. I won't screw my life up just so I can party, drink, and waste my money.

Mother is afraid once I lose my job, I'll be out on the street, since I wouldn't be able to move back in with her. Even if I was out on the street, I wouldn't move back in with her if I had the option. She's also afraid that when I move out, even if I'm successful, something bad will happen.

She's also worried about the immediate consequences of me moving out. Her Section 8 status will only include one person. She would either have to pay more to stay in a two-bedroom house or move into a one-bedroom apartment. I don't really see the problem. She could afford to pay more for the extra room since I wouldn't be her dependent. She doesn't need an extra room anyway. Really, if she has to move, she just needs to get rid of a lot of the junk she's collected over the years. She doesn't want to part with a lot of her things. She has A LOT of things. Most of which she doesn't remember.

I'm still clearing out my stuff so that it's easier for me to move out. Trying to make it so that I can transfer most of my things within a few medium-sized boxes at most.

Initial plan for when I move out: crash on Killol's couch. I've pretty much gotten his and Shiva's permission. I'm willing to give a week's pay to help a tiny bit with rent. My goal is to save up money so that I can rent a cheap room eventually. It's a simple plan. There are probably some kinks in it, but I'll work them out as I go along.

So I'm still applying for jobs. Once I get a job, part-time or full-time, I'll move out. I would have to leave most of my stuff with Mother until I can get my own place. Hopefully, it wouldn't take more than three months. If I get a part-time job, then I'll look for a second job. If I somehow snag a full-time job right off the bat, then that would be amazing, and I could save more money.

Overall, I'm just hoping everything works out. I just want to live on my own and learn how to take care of myself. When my life seems stable and good, I can help out my family. But for now, I gotta focus on getting up on my own two feet.

Anyway,  I'm looking for any kind of work I can get. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe. I know what kind of jobs I'm looking for. One that requires little interaction with clients or customers. One that allows me to work with things and data. Working with my hands is fun. Essentially, I would prefer off-hours work, stocking, and data entry. Usually, I'm not qualified for anything though because employers often require recent and relevant work experience. That makes the search difficult since I'm looking for my first official job (no prior experience). Even more difficult since I've been applying for full-time jobs. But now, I'm looking for part-time too. After I've told Mother what I plan to do, I'm looking at everything.

I know I could apply for jobs that require customer interaction. And I do. But those employers never contact me except to say that my skills don't meet their criteria or they're not looking for someone with my skills at this time -_- And I'm not lying or embellishing my resume to get a job. I wouldn't be able to live up to it. I'm really bad at amping up my first impression. So I'm learning to just do me and see where that takes me. I'm quiet and reserved, and I'm not very fond of small talk. I'm starting from there. I could learn to get used to talking to strangers all the time, but that's the thing: I have to learn to get used to it. Employers don't want to wait for me to get used to it. They just want me to do it. I could, but it would be very awkward.

Really, I don't want to change how I am to impress employers. I'd rather wait and find a job that suits my personality more. Is that pathetic and lame? I've been told it is. I can't be picky. Not in this economy. Well, you know, employers are picky. And I know and they know that if the job doesn't suit my personality, I won't be the best employee they could find. And I'd rather not try to fool anyone into thinking I can be some person that I'm not. Especially in a professional environment.

And I've said this before. I'll say it again. I'm not career-oriented. I've learned that about myself. I don't think long-term about a career. I just can't. It's not in me to do so. I don't know what job I'm going to do or what job will make me happy. I think I would be happy no matter what job I find, as long as I'm not struggling day to day and I'm able to enjoy the small and big of everything in my life. A career is not for me. I could have a career, but I don't really care much about it.

Some people want a career for the money, the power, or the prestige. I don't care about the power or the prestige that may come along with a career. The money helps with living a sufficient life. But money comes with a job or a career. I just want stability and independence in my life, and money helps bring that stability and independence. So if a career can give me that, then all right! If not, then I'll move on to something that does.

Some people want a calling rather than a career. Who doesn't want to do something that calls to them and makes them happy? I currently have no calling. I don't know if I ever will. That's ok. I never thought I would ever feel motivated about anything, but this year I've had a few instances where motivation has hit me and it felt great. So it's possible I'll find my calling in the future.

So why am I saying all this? I don't know really. It's just been on my mind. Friends and strangers are constantly asking me what I do, what I want to do, what I plan to do, and where I am headed. I never really have an answer. I'm stuck. The answers are and have always been "I don't know." Back when the questions started in high school, I didn't know, and I wasn't making plans for my future. In college, it continued. It was only toward the end of college that I thought maybe I would like to go into the police academy. But I've continually changed my mind about it, feeling like I only chose it so that I could have an answer to all those questions. And now, that possibility is definitely out of my mind. No career appeals to me, and no career can cement its status as my aspiration.

I am just floating around until the world takes me somewhere I want to be. This lack of direction used to scare me. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. (I've witnessed and heard about everything that my peers have been able to do, and I've done nothing that could live up to what they've done.) Now, I'm embracing all that is me and all that is a part of me, lack of direction and all. And I'm waiting and thinking and taking in what I can get until I figure out how to mold and take the next step in my life.


I had so much more to say last night before I fell asleep. Sadly, I don't remember it. And I can't even finish my current thoughts. Must be the cold. It's making me too slow to keep up with the thoughts that stream through my head. Lost the rest of it. Oh well.

Hey, we're two days from the alleged end of the world. How awesome. Less than a week away from Christmas. Less than two weeks from 2013. What to do? What to do? Have fun? Sounds good!   

Don't fucking drink and drive.

Anger. So much anger.
 

Brother got another DUI this morning. D and I had to go pick him and Karina up from MVPD. Also had to pick up his car from the freeway.

I only had about three hours of sleep before Karina called me at 2:30am. Waited about another hour for the next call. Went to pick them and the car up. Took two hours because D and I didn't want to get a speeding ticket. And they didn't know exactly where the car was. We wasted more than half an hour going in the wrong direction and heading back in the right direction toward the car. Then took them both to their home. Brother had the fucking nerve to be irritable when he's the one who caused all his own problems.

My brain doesn't function well under little sleep. I've learned this many times. I can drive; it's almost perfunctory. But complex thoughts and ideas are lost on me.

So when I came home and Mother asked what happened, I responded with "He got a speeding ticket." For some reason, the conversation in the car had convinced me that Brother had only gotten a speeding ticket. (That was the reason the police initially stopped him) D corrected me and said that Brother got a DUI.

I spent the next hour or so trying to go back to sleep. But I couldn't. I was angry. Mother was angry (still is). She kept ranting for the next hour. She started cursing my name (or it felt like she was) for lying.

I didn't lie. I honestly believed that Brother only got a speeding ticket. It was only after I was in bed that I realized he couldn't have just gotten a speeding ticket. His BAC was way above the legal limit. Supposedly one-point-something. He's still on probation. Just under two years into it. That should have clicked in my head, but it didn't until after I answered Mother's question.

So she ranted about Brother. She also spent a good amount of time lying in her bed, calling me a liar and a witch. A no-good daughter. A disrespectful, selfish daughter. So on and so forth.

I couldn't say anything. So I just laid in bed and felt angry and hurt. Couldn't do anything. Couldn't leave. Couldn't call anyone. I just had to lie there and listen.

Eventually, she stopped. I still couldn't sleep.

I dunno when I fell asleep. But next thing I knew, I woke up at 8:30am. Had breakfast with D and talked to him about everything that happened this morning. Explained to him what really happened when I answered Mother's question. He believed me. Mother came out and started yelling at me for being a liar. "Ungrateful, disrespectful little liar!" She didn't even try to listen or understand.

Why would I lie? She's going to find out about what happened anyway. I had no reason to lie. I just misunderstood the situation. It's what happens when I'm not completely awake and aware.

So she spent a large portion of our morning yelling at D and me. D for "defending [Brother's] actions" and for "not caring enough about this family." Me for lying and being a horrible, disrespectful daughter. (Yesterday, she had annoyed and pissed me off when I was trying to help her, so I snapped at her. I often get annoyed when I try to help her with something because she gets mad at me if I can't do something for her or teach her something well. I also spend a disproportionate amount of time on the computer, watching movies and applying for jobs. I don't respond to her quickly enough when I'm on the computer because I usually wear my earbuds or am responding to emails. Oh, and I'd rather die having fun with my friends than die being yelled at by family.)

She just ranted and ranted. Repeating herself every so often.

Whatever she convinces herself to believe about situations and people while she's angry is what she'll believe when she's clear-headed. So she's already cemented everything she said in her mind. And she's twisted everything that D and I have said. She's just finding reasons to be angry at us because Brother isn't here for her to yell at yet. When he gets here, she'll start it all up again. I know it.

Anyway, our morning "conversation" eventually led to her lambasting me for not finding a job yet and living off of her and making things harder for her. Then D and I had an actual discussion about me finding work and moving out, while she interjected just to criticize what we were saying. I've always had an idea of a plan; she just never wanted to listen and she always thought her ideas were better, so I've tried to follow her ideas. Obviously, I haven't gotten anywhere. But if she thinks all I do on my computer is play around, she's fucking wrong. Does she really think I don't wanna get the fuck out of here, away from her? I'm trying to get out of here but by her rules so that I won't mess with her living situation when I leave.

So D and I talked. I have an idea of a plan. But I need to talk to some friends.

Anyway, now she's calmer. But she's still jumping down our throats any chance she gets.

I love her. I hate her. She becomes the most vicious, scathing, vitriolic person I know when she's anxious and angry. I can't be around her when she's like that. I get so anxious and terrified that I don't know what to do. I get angry too because I feel like it's so unfair that she's taking out all of her anger on us. For small things. For things she wouldn't be angry about if she just listened to us. Since I really don't know how to express my anger, all I can do is cry.

I've said this before. If I'm angry and not crying, I'm not that angry; it's something I can get over quickly. But if I'm angry and crying, you know I'm fucking angry and I'm not coming down from that for a while and not without help.

But now, I can't be around people.

You know what's so sad about this for me? This is probably the first time I've felt so depressed and torn down since April.

What's worse? Mother never once thought about how Brother could have died or killed someone. All she cared about was him going to jail. If she did think about it, she didn't say anything. Every time I hear that Brother has been arrested for a DUI or whatever, I'm always grateful to hear that he didn't hurt anybody else. But I can't say anything about it because Mother will twist what I'm saying against me and I can't defend myself.


So that thing about me preferring to die with friends instead of family? Not what I had said at all. I had mentioned End of the World parties happening on December 21. I was explaining the idea of the parties was to poke fun at the predictions. Also, in case it does come true, at least you'll be having fun with family and friends before you die instead of panicking and not enjoying your last moments being alive. My Vietnamese may not be the best, but how the hell did she think I meant that I would rather die with friends than with family? I didn't say anything remotely close to that. I didn't say anything about me either. I was explaining the concept of the parties. She misinterpreted, and now she really believes I don't love my family enough.


I hope I won't ever be like Brother or Mother. I hope I learn from my stupidity and my anger. If I ever end up like them in any way, please slap me.

Anyway, I'm done. I want to stop thinking about all this. But she just keeps reminding me of all the crap we went through this morning. I need to stop thinking. My head hurts so much.

I can't be around anyone, but I so desperately need to cry and yell and be frustrated and be held by someone. What a perplexing feeling.