I hadn't felt that hopeless and lost in a really long time. I made myself be alone, locked in my room for most of the day, with the wrong intentions. I drank past the point of caution. I didn't care. I knew I was going to get sick, and I still drank more than I knew I should have. And I was tempted to go beyond that. But I couldn't. I stopped. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to die or because I couldn't move anymore.
Afterward, when I could finally move again, I made that feeling of hopelessness and being lost a real one. 9:20 PM. I drove around San Jose with the hopes that it would help me calm down and think. I went up Calaveras, parked at a lookout point, stood in the cold and windy air for an hour, and then drove down Sierra. Then I drove to my mom's house. Then I drove up Bernal to IBM. Next was to turn around and reach the other end of Bernal. And I kept going. I found my way to Quimby somehow and turned right. And I kept going. At the end of Quimby, I turned right and just drove. For 20 miles. It was dark and empty. Lots of twists and turns. Lots of ups and downs. I didn't downshift. I didn't care. I could smell my brakes burning.
After 20 miles, I stopped. I didn't know where I was. Do I keep going, or do I turn around and go home? Do I stay there until the sun comes up? The thought of me dying on this road crossed my mind several times. But I had continued to drive. But at this point, when I finally really stopped my car, I realized I hadn't died. I drove as carefully (and recklessly) as I could. I was still alive. Do I still want to be alive?
I turned my car around and drove. 27 miles later, I'm on Alum Rock, heading toward a place I could fall asleep. I came back to the house I live in. 2:23 AM.
I remember almost everything I did yesterday, but I don't remember half the things I thought. But I know they were ugly thoughts.
I need to reflect on a lot of things and clear my head and conscience. Yesterday was the lowest point I reached in years. I did a lot of stupid and careless things. I didn't reach out to anyone, even though some had offered their love and time. I shut them out. All I saw was the ground, the dirt, and nothing else. I didn't deserve their love and time yesterday.
Strangely, today, I'm looking up. Yesterday's antics... I think I just needed to get a lot of shit out of me. Probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but I already feel a little better. I'm going to feel much better. I will reach out to someone. I will depend on my friends. I will learn how to not shut my loved ones out. I will struggle with this. But I will do my best not to do this to them again.
Showing posts with label driving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label driving. Show all posts
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
I finally set foot outside of California.
This past weekend was the first time I took a vacation after entering the workforce :P And it was amazing.
First time leaving California. First time on a road trip with multiple friends (Matt C, Tuan T, Ray C, and Kevin R). First time in Las Vegas. First time at EDC. First Ferris wheel ride. First time listening to a live set by myself. A bunch of firsts.
Some unfortunate things happened. Long drive to LV Thursday night to Friday morning made us all very tired for the start of EDC. Missed a few DJs I really wanted to see. Missed several meet-ups with friends because of terrible cell phone reception and lack of Internet/Wi-Fi. But overall, a good weekend. Tried the buffets at Caesar's Palace and the Bellagio. Had In-N-Out a couple of times. Got stuck in traffic going from the hotel to the Speedway, but interacted with fellow attendees along the way. Drained all my energy from being around 400k+ people--too many people, but great energy. But too many. I think my body went into shock from the amount of people that were there haha. Pretty sure I fell asleep the first night in the stands at 3 in the morning.
Full DJ sets that I experienced: Cedric Gervais, Hardwell, Armin van Buuren, Gareth Emery, Kaskade, Tiesto, Andrew Rayel, Mat Zo (by myself), Above & Beyond, Axwell /\ Ingrosso, Tommy Trash (missed the ending), Dash Berlin (last time).
Partial DJ sets: Madeon, Orjan Nilsen, Astrix, Paul Oakenfold.
Missed DJ sets: 3LAU, Dyro & Dannic, Cazzette, Sander van Doorn, Bingo Players, R3hab, Alesso, Paul van Dyk.
I will experience their all live sets eventually.
I wish I could have recorded everything that happened, but it was just a very tiring weekend. I got very little sleep or food. Just tried my best to enjoy everything in the moment it happened.
After EDC, I slept from 4PM Monday to 8:30AM Tuesday. I woke up and felt amazing haha. The drive back to SJ was much better than the drive from there. I was awake for most of it. Plenty of energy until I reached home.
Anyway, after this experience, I was perfectly fine not coming back to Vegas or attending EDC again. It could remain a one-time experience, and I would be fine with that. But my friends want to go again. So I'll probably go again next year too :P Maybe I'll get to see all the DJs I missed this time. We'll also be better prepared. Less exhaustion hopefully.
Can't wait!
First time leaving California. First time on a road trip with multiple friends (Matt C, Tuan T, Ray C, and Kevin R). First time in Las Vegas. First time at EDC. First Ferris wheel ride. First time listening to a live set by myself. A bunch of firsts.
Some unfortunate things happened. Long drive to LV Thursday night to Friday morning made us all very tired for the start of EDC. Missed a few DJs I really wanted to see. Missed several meet-ups with friends because of terrible cell phone reception and lack of Internet/Wi-Fi. But overall, a good weekend. Tried the buffets at Caesar's Palace and the Bellagio. Had In-N-Out a couple of times. Got stuck in traffic going from the hotel to the Speedway, but interacted with fellow attendees along the way. Drained all my energy from being around 400k+ people--too many people, but great energy. But too many. I think my body went into shock from the amount of people that were there haha. Pretty sure I fell asleep the first night in the stands at 3 in the morning.
Full DJ sets that I experienced: Cedric Gervais, Hardwell, Armin van Buuren, Gareth Emery, Kaskade, Tiesto, Andrew Rayel, Mat Zo (by myself), Above & Beyond, Axwell /\ Ingrosso, Tommy Trash (missed the ending), Dash Berlin (last time).
Partial DJ sets: Madeon, Orjan Nilsen, Astrix, Paul Oakenfold.
Missed DJ sets: 3LAU, Dyro & Dannic, Cazzette, Sander van Doorn, Bingo Players, R3hab, Alesso, Paul van Dyk.
I will experience their all live sets eventually.
I wish I could have recorded everything that happened, but it was just a very tiring weekend. I got very little sleep or food. Just tried my best to enjoy everything in the moment it happened.
After EDC, I slept from 4PM Monday to 8:30AM Tuesday. I woke up and felt amazing haha. The drive back to SJ was much better than the drive from there. I was awake for most of it. Plenty of energy until I reached home.
Anyway, after this experience, I was perfectly fine not coming back to Vegas or attending EDC again. It could remain a one-time experience, and I would be fine with that. But my friends want to go again. So I'll probably go again next year too :P Maybe I'll get to see all the DJs I missed this time. We'll also be better prepared. Less exhaustion hopefully.
Can't wait!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Don't fucking drink and drive.
Anger. So much anger.
Brother got another DUI this morning. D and I had to go pick him and Karina up from MVPD. Also had to pick up his car from the freeway.
I only had about three hours of sleep before Karina called me at 2:30am. Waited about another hour for the next call. Went to pick them and the car up. Took two hours because D and I didn't want to get a speeding ticket. And they didn't know exactly where the car was. We wasted more than half an hour going in the wrong direction and heading back in the right direction toward the car. Then took them both to their home. Brother had the fucking nerve to be irritable when he's the one who caused all his own problems.
My brain doesn't function well under little sleep. I've learned this many times. I can drive; it's almost perfunctory. But complex thoughts and ideas are lost on me.
So when I came home and Mother asked what happened, I responded with "He got a speeding ticket." For some reason, the conversation in the car had convinced me that Brother had only gotten a speeding ticket. (That was the reason the police initially stopped him) D corrected me and said that Brother got a DUI.
I spent the next hour or so trying to go back to sleep. But I couldn't. I was angry. Mother was angry (still is). She kept ranting for the next hour. She started cursing my name (or it felt like she was) for lying.
I didn't lie. I honestly believed that Brother only got a speeding ticket. It was only after I was in bed that I realized he couldn't have just gotten a speeding ticket. His BAC was way above the legal limit. Supposedly one-point-something. He's still on probation. Just under two years into it. That should have clicked in my head, but it didn't until after I answered Mother's question.
So she ranted about Brother. She also spent a good amount of time lying in her bed, calling me a liar and a witch. A no-good daughter. A disrespectful, selfish daughter. So on and so forth.
I couldn't say anything. So I just laid in bed and felt angry and hurt. Couldn't do anything. Couldn't leave. Couldn't call anyone. I just had to lie there and listen.
Eventually, she stopped. I still couldn't sleep.
I dunno when I fell asleep. But next thing I knew, I woke up at 8:30am. Had breakfast with D and talked to him about everything that happened this morning. Explained to him what really happened when I answered Mother's question. He believed me. Mother came out and started yelling at me for being a liar. "Ungrateful, disrespectful little liar!" She didn't even try to listen or understand.
Why would I lie? She's going to find out about what happened anyway. I had no reason to lie. I just misunderstood the situation. It's what happens when I'm not completely awake and aware.
So she spent a large portion of our morning yelling at D and me. D for "defending [Brother's] actions" and for "not caring enough about this family." Me for lying and being a horrible, disrespectful daughter. (Yesterday, she had annoyed and pissed me off when I was trying to help her, so I snapped at her. I often get annoyed when I try to help her with something because she gets mad at me if I can't do something for her or teach her something well. I also spend a disproportionate amount of time on the computer, watching movies and applying for jobs. I don't respond to her quickly enough when I'm on the computer because I usually wear my earbuds or am responding to emails. Oh, and I'd rather die having fun with my friends than die being yelled at by family.)
She just ranted and ranted. Repeating herself every so often.
Whatever she convinces herself to believe about situations and people while she's angry is what she'll believe when she's clear-headed. So she's already cemented everything she said in her mind. And she's twisted everything that D and I have said. She's just finding reasons to be angry at us because Brother isn't here for her to yell at yet. When he gets here, she'll start it all up again. I know it.
Anyway, our morning "conversation" eventually led to her lambasting me for not finding a job yet and living off of her and making things harder for her. Then D and I had an actual discussion about me finding work and moving out, while she interjected just to criticize what we were saying. I've always had an idea of a plan; she just never wanted to listen and she always thought her ideas were better, so I've tried to follow her ideas. Obviously, I haven't gotten anywhere. But if she thinks all I do on my computer is play around, she's fucking wrong. Does she really think I don't wanna get the fuck out of here, away from her? I'm trying to get out of here but by her rules so that I won't mess with her living situation when I leave.
So D and I talked. I have an idea of a plan. But I need to talk to some friends.
Anyway, now she's calmer. But she's still jumping down our throats any chance she gets.
I love her. I hate her. She becomes the most vicious, scathing, vitriolic person I know when she's anxious and angry. I can't be around her when she's like that. I get so anxious and terrified that I don't know what to do. I get angry too because I feel like it's so unfair that she's taking out all of her anger on us. For small things. For things she wouldn't be angry about if she just listened to us. Since I really don't know how to express my anger, all I can do is cry.
I've said this before. If I'm angry and not crying, I'm not that angry; it's something I can get over quickly. But if I'm angry and crying, you know I'm fucking angry and I'm not coming down from that for a while and not without help.
But now, I can't be around people.
You know what's so sad about this for me? This is probably the first time I've felt so depressed and torn down since April.
What's worse? Mother never once thought about how Brother could have died or killed someone. All she cared about was him going to jail. If she did think about it, she didn't say anything. Every time I hear that Brother has been arrested for a DUI or whatever, I'm always grateful to hear that he didn't hurt anybody else. But I can't say anything about it because Mother will twist what I'm saying against me and I can't defend myself.
So that thing about me preferring to die with friends instead of family? Not what I had said at all. I had mentioned End of the World parties happening on December 21. I was explaining the idea of the parties was to poke fun at the predictions. Also, in case it does come true, at least you'll be having fun with family and friends before you die instead of panicking and not enjoying your last moments being alive. My Vietnamese may not be the best, but how the hell did she think I meant that I would rather die with friends than with family? I didn't say anything remotely close to that. I didn't say anything about me either. I was explaining the concept of the parties. She misinterpreted, and now she really believes I don't love my family enough.
I hope I won't ever be like Brother or Mother. I hope I learn from my stupidity and my anger. If I ever end up like them in any way, please slap me.
Anyway, I'm done. I want to stop thinking about all this. But she just keeps reminding me of all the crap we went through this morning. I need to stop thinking. My head hurts so much.
I can't be around anyone, but I so desperately need to cry and yell and be frustrated and be held by someone. What a perplexing feeling.
Brother got another DUI this morning. D and I had to go pick him and Karina up from MVPD. Also had to pick up his car from the freeway.
I only had about three hours of sleep before Karina called me at 2:30am. Waited about another hour for the next call. Went to pick them and the car up. Took two hours because D and I didn't want to get a speeding ticket. And they didn't know exactly where the car was. We wasted more than half an hour going in the wrong direction and heading back in the right direction toward the car. Then took them both to their home. Brother had the fucking nerve to be irritable when he's the one who caused all his own problems.
My brain doesn't function well under little sleep. I've learned this many times. I can drive; it's almost perfunctory. But complex thoughts and ideas are lost on me.
So when I came home and Mother asked what happened, I responded with "He got a speeding ticket." For some reason, the conversation in the car had convinced me that Brother had only gotten a speeding ticket. (That was the reason the police initially stopped him) D corrected me and said that Brother got a DUI.
I spent the next hour or so trying to go back to sleep. But I couldn't. I was angry. Mother was angry (still is). She kept ranting for the next hour. She started cursing my name (or it felt like she was) for lying.
I didn't lie. I honestly believed that Brother only got a speeding ticket. It was only after I was in bed that I realized he couldn't have just gotten a speeding ticket. His BAC was way above the legal limit. Supposedly one-point-something. He's still on probation. Just under two years into it. That should have clicked in my head, but it didn't until after I answered Mother's question.
So she ranted about Brother. She also spent a good amount of time lying in her bed, calling me a liar and a witch. A no-good daughter. A disrespectful, selfish daughter. So on and so forth.
I couldn't say anything. So I just laid in bed and felt angry and hurt. Couldn't do anything. Couldn't leave. Couldn't call anyone. I just had to lie there and listen.
Eventually, she stopped. I still couldn't sleep.
I dunno when I fell asleep. But next thing I knew, I woke up at 8:30am. Had breakfast with D and talked to him about everything that happened this morning. Explained to him what really happened when I answered Mother's question. He believed me. Mother came out and started yelling at me for being a liar. "Ungrateful, disrespectful little liar!" She didn't even try to listen or understand.
Why would I lie? She's going to find out about what happened anyway. I had no reason to lie. I just misunderstood the situation. It's what happens when I'm not completely awake and aware.
So she spent a large portion of our morning yelling at D and me. D for "defending [Brother's] actions" and for "not caring enough about this family." Me for lying and being a horrible, disrespectful daughter. (Yesterday, she had annoyed and pissed me off when I was trying to help her, so I snapped at her. I often get annoyed when I try to help her with something because she gets mad at me if I can't do something for her or teach her something well. I also spend a disproportionate amount of time on the computer, watching movies and applying for jobs. I don't respond to her quickly enough when I'm on the computer because I usually wear my earbuds or am responding to emails. Oh, and I'd rather die having fun with my friends than die being yelled at by family.)
She just ranted and ranted. Repeating herself every so often.
Whatever she convinces herself to believe about situations and people while she's angry is what she'll believe when she's clear-headed. So she's already cemented everything she said in her mind. And she's twisted everything that D and I have said. She's just finding reasons to be angry at us because Brother isn't here for her to yell at yet. When he gets here, she'll start it all up again. I know it.
Anyway, our morning "conversation" eventually led to her lambasting me for not finding a job yet and living off of her and making things harder for her. Then D and I had an actual discussion about me finding work and moving out, while she interjected just to criticize what we were saying. I've always had an idea of a plan; she just never wanted to listen and she always thought her ideas were better, so I've tried to follow her ideas. Obviously, I haven't gotten anywhere. But if she thinks all I do on my computer is play around, she's fucking wrong. Does she really think I don't wanna get the fuck out of here, away from her? I'm trying to get out of here but by her rules so that I won't mess with her living situation when I leave.
So D and I talked. I have an idea of a plan. But I need to talk to some friends.
Anyway, now she's calmer. But she's still jumping down our throats any chance she gets.
I love her. I hate her. She becomes the most vicious, scathing, vitriolic person I know when she's anxious and angry. I can't be around her when she's like that. I get so anxious and terrified that I don't know what to do. I get angry too because I feel like it's so unfair that she's taking out all of her anger on us. For small things. For things she wouldn't be angry about if she just listened to us. Since I really don't know how to express my anger, all I can do is cry.
I've said this before. If I'm angry and not crying, I'm not that angry; it's something I can get over quickly. But if I'm angry and crying, you know I'm fucking angry and I'm not coming down from that for a while and not without help.
But now, I can't be around people.
You know what's so sad about this for me? This is probably the first time I've felt so depressed and torn down since April.
What's worse? Mother never once thought about how Brother could have died or killed someone. All she cared about was him going to jail. If she did think about it, she didn't say anything. Every time I hear that Brother has been arrested for a DUI or whatever, I'm always grateful to hear that he didn't hurt anybody else. But I can't say anything about it because Mother will twist what I'm saying against me and I can't defend myself.
So that thing about me preferring to die with friends instead of family? Not what I had said at all. I had mentioned End of the World parties happening on December 21. I was explaining the idea of the parties was to poke fun at the predictions. Also, in case it does come true, at least you'll be having fun with family and friends before you die instead of panicking and not enjoying your last moments being alive. My Vietnamese may not be the best, but how the hell did she think I meant that I would rather die with friends than with family? I didn't say anything remotely close to that. I didn't say anything about me either. I was explaining the concept of the parties. She misinterpreted, and now she really believes I don't love my family enough.
I hope I won't ever be like Brother or Mother. I hope I learn from my stupidity and my anger. If I ever end up like them in any way, please slap me.
Anyway, I'm done. I want to stop thinking about all this. But she just keeps reminding me of all the crap we went through this morning. I need to stop thinking. My head hurts so much.
I can't be around anyone, but I so desperately need to cry and yell and be frustrated and be held by someone. What a perplexing feeling.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Car troubles
We, as people, are so attached to material possessions. Especially newly bought items.
A new car. A new scratch on your new car? No, that means the end of the world.
If someone scratches your car, how would you feel? Mother would feel like it was a personal attack on her. Maybe it was.
How would I feel? I wouldn't even notice the scratch. Someone would have to point it out to me. Even then, I wouldn't react. I'd acknowledge the damage and continue driving the car.
It's a car. You take care of it as best as you can. If stuff happens to it, you deal with it when it happens. You don't become too scared to drive your car anywhere ever again. It would be a pointless car if it wasn't driven.
I'm irritated. My car is supposed to be my car. Except I'm getting in trouble for the little bits of damage that happen to it. Why? I'm not complaining. And it's supposed to be my car. It's not Mother's car. She's not the one who has to drive it. She doesn't even have to look at the car. Still, I get in trouble for the damages that aren't important. Scratches don't destroy the car's ability to function.
They should have listened to me when I said I just wanted a car that works well and doesn't have to look amazing on the outside. No, they should have listened to me when I said I didn't want a car. They should have listened when I said all I wanted was to be able to get myself to places. That didn't mean I needed a car. I explained that to them, but they wouldn't listen to me. They just had to let me walk, bike, take the bus or light rail, or just figure out some way to get to places. But no, they wouldn't let me. They wanted me to have a car.
So I have a car, which I am grateful for. I'm also grateful for the gas money and all the repairs my family has paid for. What I'm not grateful for are the "I told you you shouldn't have bought this car," "You're a terrible driver, but you have to drive me where I want to go," "You're destroying your car," "Don't take your car out. I'll drive you instead," "Don't drive your friends. Oh, but drive me," "Don't waste gas, but drive me here, here, and all the way over here," and all that crap.
I'm complaining. I'll stop. I just wish she'd stop criticizing me and blaming me for everything. Or making me feel like she's blaming me or making me feel like everything's my fault. Because I'm starting to believe it.
A new car. A new scratch on your new car? No, that means the end of the world.
If someone scratches your car, how would you feel? Mother would feel like it was a personal attack on her. Maybe it was.
How would I feel? I wouldn't even notice the scratch. Someone would have to point it out to me. Even then, I wouldn't react. I'd acknowledge the damage and continue driving the car.
It's a car. You take care of it as best as you can. If stuff happens to it, you deal with it when it happens. You don't become too scared to drive your car anywhere ever again. It would be a pointless car if it wasn't driven.
I'm irritated. My car is supposed to be my car. Except I'm getting in trouble for the little bits of damage that happen to it. Why? I'm not complaining. And it's supposed to be my car. It's not Mother's car. She's not the one who has to drive it. She doesn't even have to look at the car. Still, I get in trouble for the damages that aren't important. Scratches don't destroy the car's ability to function.
They should have listened to me when I said I just wanted a car that works well and doesn't have to look amazing on the outside. No, they should have listened to me when I said I didn't want a car. They should have listened when I said all I wanted was to be able to get myself to places. That didn't mean I needed a car. I explained that to them, but they wouldn't listen to me. They just had to let me walk, bike, take the bus or light rail, or just figure out some way to get to places. But no, they wouldn't let me. They wanted me to have a car.
So I have a car, which I am grateful for. I'm also grateful for the gas money and all the repairs my family has paid for. What I'm not grateful for are the "I told you you shouldn't have bought this car," "You're a terrible driver, but you have to drive me where I want to go," "You're destroying your car," "Don't take your car out. I'll drive you instead," "Don't drive your friends. Oh, but drive me," "Don't waste gas, but drive me here, here, and all the way over here," and all that crap.
I'm complaining. I'll stop. I just wish she'd stop criticizing me and blaming me for everything. Or making me feel like she's blaming me or making me feel like everything's my fault. Because I'm starting to believe it.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Been busy/lazy
24.VII.2011
I'm just gonna give a brief overview kinda thing about the past week or so:
Last Friday, July 15, Harrison had his water fight with water balloons and stuff at the park next to Martin Murphy Middle School. Drove back and forth from his house to the park to transport kiddie pools and about 3k water balloons. I got stung on my foot by a bee before the fun got started. First bee sting I ever got. Rawr.
The water fight was fun. Lasted about an hour. Shiva and I were in it for less than that. Sorry, Shiva. Picking up water balloon pieces at the end was fun <_<
Next day, went searching for Shiva's necklaces because they were missing when we went to bed the night before. Searched the park. Search Harrison's house. As we were leaving Harrison's place, Shiva saw her necklaces on his lawn, thinking she saw a quarter instead XP Oh, the exhilaration we felt from that discovery haha.
Shiva left Sunday. I just waited at home for her call to make sure she got home safely.
The Wednesday and Thursday before, I don't really remember what I did. All I can remember was that Shiva had interviews those two days.
Can't remember what I did all this week. Thursday, I was invited to join Harrison, Jen, Marian, and Cathy to go to a park. I brought Autumn along.
^That's what I wrote a month ago and never finished. Can't really finish it now. I don't remember much of what happened since then.
Uhh, Marian and I drove down to SoCal to visit Shiva for a week :3 That was fun. Drove Marian's car. The Grapevine is fun to drive through. Traffic wasn't so bad. I think I'm patient enough for traffic in LA haha.
Went to the Getty Museum, Six Flags (you can ask Shiva for details since I'm sure she would love to share with you), the beach, and Little Tokyo. I'm already fuzzy on the details here and where else we might have gone. Sad.
School starts tomorrow. My last year of undergrad, woo! Starting it off with 15 units. Can't wait. Also quite a few friends from my past will be attending SJSU this Fall :) Joanna S, Nancy T, Sylvie D, KimVi T, etc etc. Awesome!
I hope school won't feel overcrowded this year. I kinda feel that already.
I'm probably gonna be free in the mornings before my classes. If I don't hang out with people or find an early-morning job, I'm probably gonna go back to my newspaper habits on a bench.
Anyway, I should get back to getting ready for school. My last year... So strange. Especially since I don't know if and when I'll be going to graduate school. We'll see where life takes me.
And I'll try to update more often again XD I've just been forgetful and lazy haha. Can't be like that when school starts though.
I'm just gonna give a brief overview kinda thing about the past week or so:
Last Friday, July 15, Harrison had his water fight with water balloons and stuff at the park next to Martin Murphy Middle School. Drove back and forth from his house to the park to transport kiddie pools and about 3k water balloons. I got stung on my foot by a bee before the fun got started. First bee sting I ever got. Rawr.
The water fight was fun. Lasted about an hour. Shiva and I were in it for less than that. Sorry, Shiva. Picking up water balloon pieces at the end was fun <_<
Next day, went searching for Shiva's necklaces because they were missing when we went to bed the night before. Searched the park. Search Harrison's house. As we were leaving Harrison's place, Shiva saw her necklaces on his lawn, thinking she saw a quarter instead XP Oh, the exhilaration we felt from that discovery haha.
Shiva left Sunday. I just waited at home for her call to make sure she got home safely.
The Wednesday and Thursday before, I don't really remember what I did. All I can remember was that Shiva had interviews those two days.
Can't remember what I did all this week. Thursday, I was invited to join Harrison, Jen, Marian, and Cathy to go to a park. I brought Autumn along.
^That's what I wrote a month ago and never finished. Can't really finish it now. I don't remember much of what happened since then.
Uhh, Marian and I drove down to SoCal to visit Shiva for a week :3 That was fun. Drove Marian's car. The Grapevine is fun to drive through. Traffic wasn't so bad. I think I'm patient enough for traffic in LA haha.
Went to the Getty Museum, Six Flags (you can ask Shiva for details since I'm sure she would love to share with you), the beach, and Little Tokyo. I'm already fuzzy on the details here and where else we might have gone. Sad.
School starts tomorrow. My last year of undergrad, woo! Starting it off with 15 units. Can't wait. Also quite a few friends from my past will be attending SJSU this Fall :) Joanna S, Nancy T, Sylvie D, KimVi T, etc etc. Awesome!
I hope school won't feel overcrowded this year. I kinda feel that already.
I'm probably gonna be free in the mornings before my classes. If I don't hang out with people or find an early-morning job, I'm probably gonna go back to my newspaper habits on a bench.
Anyway, I should get back to getting ready for school. My last year... So strange. Especially since I don't know if and when I'll be going to graduate school. We'll see where life takes me.
And I'll try to update more often again XD I've just been forgetful and lazy haha. Can't be like that when school starts though.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Weekend with Shiva
So Shiva came back up to SJ on Friday with her cousin. She stayed at my house for the weekend.
She got to my house around 19h00, I'm not sure. Helped her bring food and other stuff inside. Got her settled in haha. Mother had bought vegetarian food for her. So we ate that for dinner. After, she modeled her new pinstripe suit for me XD Mother said the jacket looked too small on her, but otherwise she looked really pretty and professional haha. Before Shiva and I went to sleep, she practiced her two-minute speech, which she had to give during her interview on Saturday.
Saturday, woke up around 6h30. I debated about whether I should go with Shiva to the interview or not, to keep her company while she waited for her interview. But the whole thing was supposed to last from 8h00 to 16h00, and we didn't know if there was any place I could sit to wait for her. And it was raining that day. So, ultimately, I stayed at home.
Spent the whole day waiting for Shiva to come home. Worked on a bunch of Sudoku puzzles that she had given me almost a year ago haha. I made 19h30 reservations at the Vegetarian House for a group of ten. I don't remember what else I did. Shiva called to tell me that she had two interviews, one at 9h00 (the earliest one possible) and one at 15h30 (the latest one possible). So sad. But at least she was able to talk to people and hang out with them.
When she came back to my house, I was happy to see that she was still alive. But she was still nervous about her interviews. Will find out if she got the position next Monday.
We just hung around the house a bit, talking and stuff about her interviews and whatnot. Then around 19h00, we went to pick up Harrison from his house to go to the Vegetarian House.
Missed our exit XD because Shiva is confused by the signs in SJ. But we got to the restaurant about on time. Most of our other guest were already there: Marian L, Sabrina, Stephanie S (I didn't really know her before though), and Killol. I think Jen L and Cathy B came later, I don't remember ;-;
Interesting restaurant. Pictures of Supreme Master Ching Hai (or Thanh Hai for us Viet people) everywhere in the restaurant. The servers were very nice and accommodating. We really only had about an hour and a half to eat because the restaurant closed at 21h00. But we took a while to order drinks and food. Ended up getting the summer rolls, Sizzling Tofu, Namaste Set, Kung Pao Tofu, Spicy Cha Cha, Dancing Asparagus, Spaghetti Jambalaya, a bowl of white rice, and a bowl of brown rice (which I took home). We all split the cost of most of the things that were ordered. The exceptions were the Spaghetti Jambalaya (Sabrina), Hummus and cheesecake (Stephanie and Killol). Drinks were good: Thai Iced Tea had soy milk in it, very tasty. I had the Steaz Sparkling Orange, yum. Iced teas, I heard, were good too. So, I say the servers of the restaurant were very accommodating because there wasn't enough space on our table to fit all the dishes and so we asked them if we could place the food on a separate table to make it like buffet-style dining. And they let us :D Much easier to reach the food, instead of trying to pass around dishes and plates.
Shiva had fun looking at a book of birds (though, Ching Hai was almost in every single picture).
But anyway, we had to leave the restaurant at 21h30, half hour after closing. We stood in front of the restaurant and then at the bus stop to wait for Cathy's bus. Talked for more than an hour and a half. It was fun. Some silly and crazy times. Cathy got hella hugs before she got on her bus because the first two or three buses that came were not hers but everyone hugged her thinking it was her bus :P So silly. Harrison and Shiva gave me and Jen piggyback rides XD I felt like Harrison was tossing me off at times haha, but he's just crazy XP He even climbed the bus stop sign for pictures. Talking to Stephanie led to us finding out that she went to high school with Brother :D and that she was friends with the guys who became Brother's enemies <_< She recognized Brother from the photo I had in my wallet, but chances are Brother may not recognize her. Haha small world though, yeah? Turns out she's not very good friends with those guys though, so that's good haha :P
Anyway, Mother kept calling me, yelling at me to get home. She got pissed at me because I said I would come home soon, but I didn't. Had to drop Marian, Jen, and Sabrina off at their respective places. Harrison got a ride from Killol to somewhere else in downtown. Stephanie was sad that she was driving alone XD haha.
Went to Sabrina's room to collect some of the things that Shiva had left with her. Then we went home. Mother was not happy. Glared at me. Shiva thought Mother was glaring at her, but it turned out it only looked that way because Shiva was standing behind me when Mother glared at me XD But Mother was angry at me because I was out too late during a time where quite a few kidnappings had been occurring (Michelle Le, little kids, and others).
Sunday, I woke up at 4h30 to wake up Mother, so that she could get ready for a day trip to the City of Ten Thousand Buddhas in Ukiah. I fell back asleep. She woke me up at 5h30 to drive her to the meet-up point for the charter buses. I didn't wake Shiva up for this because she didn't seem to want to be woken up XD
Dropped Mother off and came back home to sleep. Shiva and I didn't get up till near noon. Took our time getting up and getting ready. Went to IHOP. Got there around 15h00 when Mother called to say that she'd be back in SJ in about two hours. So Shiva and I ate kinda quickly. Then we went on a search for pet shops with cats. Went to Andy's Pet Shop, where Shiva's GPS said it would be. But it turned out it was the old location. Went to the new location with the help of Carlo (I had to call him). But no cats ): Only rats, a guinea pig, a macaw, and a few dogs, mostly chihuahuas. Texted Carlo to ask him if there were any places with cats.
On the way to one of the places that Carlo suggested, Mother called to say she was back. So Shiva and I went to pick Mother up. It was a difficult parking lot to maneuver through because people were walking and cars were blocking passages. But we got through it eventually. Took Mother home. Then off to the Animal Care Center, except it had closed ):
So we went to Harrison's house because we knew he had a cat. Got there. Tried to pet the cat and it ran away from us ;-; So we just hung out in Harrison's living room and bedroom. I injured my shin on Harrison's couch T_T Painful. In his bedroom, we watched some survival show. Played and lost at chess against Shiva. There was a tickle war, in which Shiva was the victor XP She sprayed silly string on Harrison's closet doors before we left.
Got home early. Slept kinda early.
Mother and Shiva talking to each other is interesting :D Mother invited her over to our house again. Talked about a bunch of stuff, like Mother's complaints about our landlady haha. I think Shiva understood Mother pretty well though :P
Monday, we had our alarms going off from 8h00 to 9h00. Got up. Got ready. Ate breakfast. Found that my wireless keyboard was acting funky. It added a bunch of "g" and "12" to a message that Shiva was writing XD
I helped Shiva pack her stuff into her car. She left after 12h00. Anxious about this because she was driving to So Cal by herself, since her cousin was no longer going back to So Cal.
But she called around 19h30 to say that she made it home safely :) Amazing haha.
I haven't really done too much this weekend haha. I need to apply to more jobs though and do other stuff. Make more plans with people. Make sure plans come to fruition :) Lots of things to do, yes? Like register for classes tomorrow morning :P
Anyway, yeah, fun stuff. Now off to do more fun stuff by myself XP Yay, Sudoku and whatever else I decide to do...
She got to my house around 19h00, I'm not sure. Helped her bring food and other stuff inside. Got her settled in haha. Mother had bought vegetarian food for her. So we ate that for dinner. After, she modeled her new pinstripe suit for me XD Mother said the jacket looked too small on her, but otherwise she looked really pretty and professional haha. Before Shiva and I went to sleep, she practiced her two-minute speech, which she had to give during her interview on Saturday.
Saturday, woke up around 6h30. I debated about whether I should go with Shiva to the interview or not, to keep her company while she waited for her interview. But the whole thing was supposed to last from 8h00 to 16h00, and we didn't know if there was any place I could sit to wait for her. And it was raining that day. So, ultimately, I stayed at home.
Spent the whole day waiting for Shiva to come home. Worked on a bunch of Sudoku puzzles that she had given me almost a year ago haha. I made 19h30 reservations at the Vegetarian House for a group of ten. I don't remember what else I did. Shiva called to tell me that she had two interviews, one at 9h00 (the earliest one possible) and one at 15h30 (the latest one possible). So sad. But at least she was able to talk to people and hang out with them.
When she came back to my house, I was happy to see that she was still alive. But she was still nervous about her interviews. Will find out if she got the position next Monday.
We just hung around the house a bit, talking and stuff about her interviews and whatnot. Then around 19h00, we went to pick up Harrison from his house to go to the Vegetarian House.
Missed our exit XD because Shiva is confused by the signs in SJ. But we got to the restaurant about on time. Most of our other guest were already there: Marian L, Sabrina, Stephanie S (I didn't really know her before though), and Killol. I think Jen L and Cathy B came later, I don't remember ;-;
Interesting restaurant. Pictures of Supreme Master Ching Hai (or Thanh Hai for us Viet people) everywhere in the restaurant. The servers were very nice and accommodating. We really only had about an hour and a half to eat because the restaurant closed at 21h00. But we took a while to order drinks and food. Ended up getting the summer rolls, Sizzling Tofu, Namaste Set, Kung Pao Tofu, Spicy Cha Cha, Dancing Asparagus, Spaghetti Jambalaya, a bowl of white rice, and a bowl of brown rice (which I took home). We all split the cost of most of the things that were ordered. The exceptions were the Spaghetti Jambalaya (Sabrina), Hummus and cheesecake (Stephanie and Killol). Drinks were good: Thai Iced Tea had soy milk in it, very tasty. I had the Steaz Sparkling Orange, yum. Iced teas, I heard, were good too. So, I say the servers of the restaurant were very accommodating because there wasn't enough space on our table to fit all the dishes and so we asked them if we could place the food on a separate table to make it like buffet-style dining. And they let us :D Much easier to reach the food, instead of trying to pass around dishes and plates.
Shiva had fun looking at a book of birds (though, Ching Hai was almost in every single picture).
But anyway, we had to leave the restaurant at 21h30, half hour after closing. We stood in front of the restaurant and then at the bus stop to wait for Cathy's bus. Talked for more than an hour and a half. It was fun. Some silly and crazy times. Cathy got hella hugs before she got on her bus because the first two or three buses that came were not hers but everyone hugged her thinking it was her bus :P So silly. Harrison and Shiva gave me and Jen piggyback rides XD I felt like Harrison was tossing me off at times haha, but he's just crazy XP He even climbed the bus stop sign for pictures. Talking to Stephanie led to us finding out that she went to high school with Brother :D and that she was friends with the guys who became Brother's enemies <_< She recognized Brother from the photo I had in my wallet, but chances are Brother may not recognize her. Haha small world though, yeah? Turns out she's not very good friends with those guys though, so that's good haha :P
Anyway, Mother kept calling me, yelling at me to get home. She got pissed at me because I said I would come home soon, but I didn't. Had to drop Marian, Jen, and Sabrina off at their respective places. Harrison got a ride from Killol to somewhere else in downtown. Stephanie was sad that she was driving alone XD haha.
Went to Sabrina's room to collect some of the things that Shiva had left with her. Then we went home. Mother was not happy. Glared at me. Shiva thought Mother was glaring at her, but it turned out it only looked that way because Shiva was standing behind me when Mother glared at me XD But Mother was angry at me because I was out too late during a time where quite a few kidnappings had been occurring (Michelle Le, little kids, and others).
Sunday, I woke up at 4h30 to wake up Mother, so that she could get ready for a day trip to the City of Ten Thousand Buddhas in Ukiah. I fell back asleep. She woke me up at 5h30 to drive her to the meet-up point for the charter buses. I didn't wake Shiva up for this because she didn't seem to want to be woken up XD
Dropped Mother off and came back home to sleep. Shiva and I didn't get up till near noon. Took our time getting up and getting ready. Went to IHOP. Got there around 15h00 when Mother called to say that she'd be back in SJ in about two hours. So Shiva and I ate kinda quickly. Then we went on a search for pet shops with cats. Went to Andy's Pet Shop, where Shiva's GPS said it would be. But it turned out it was the old location. Went to the new location with the help of Carlo (I had to call him). But no cats ): Only rats, a guinea pig, a macaw, and a few dogs, mostly chihuahuas. Texted Carlo to ask him if there were any places with cats.
On the way to one of the places that Carlo suggested, Mother called to say she was back. So Shiva and I went to pick Mother up. It was a difficult parking lot to maneuver through because people were walking and cars were blocking passages. But we got through it eventually. Took Mother home. Then off to the Animal Care Center, except it had closed ):
So we went to Harrison's house because we knew he had a cat. Got there. Tried to pet the cat and it ran away from us ;-; So we just hung out in Harrison's living room and bedroom. I injured my shin on Harrison's couch T_T Painful. In his bedroom, we watched some survival show. Played and lost at chess against Shiva. There was a tickle war, in which Shiva was the victor XP She sprayed silly string on Harrison's closet doors before we left.
Got home early. Slept kinda early.
Mother and Shiva talking to each other is interesting :D Mother invited her over to our house again. Talked about a bunch of stuff, like Mother's complaints about our landlady haha. I think Shiva understood Mother pretty well though :P
Monday, we had our alarms going off from 8h00 to 9h00. Got up. Got ready. Ate breakfast. Found that my wireless keyboard was acting funky. It added a bunch of "g" and "12" to a message that Shiva was writing XD
I helped Shiva pack her stuff into her car. She left after 12h00. Anxious about this because she was driving to So Cal by herself, since her cousin was no longer going back to So Cal.
But she called around 19h30 to say that she made it home safely :) Amazing haha.
I haven't really done too much this weekend haha. I need to apply to more jobs though and do other stuff. Make more plans with people. Make sure plans come to fruition :) Lots of things to do, yes? Like register for classes tomorrow morning :P
Anyway, yeah, fun stuff. Now off to do more fun stuff by myself XP Yay, Sudoku and whatever else I decide to do...
Saturday, March 6, 2010
"Alice in Wonderland" and "Shutter Island"
It's not that weird of a combination of movies to watch. And both were entertaining. Though, I'm not sure if it's me or what, but I wasn't completely satisfied with either film -shrug-
AiW, 7/10. The computer effects, awesome. The creatures looked amazing. The Bandersnatch and the Jabberwocky, I wish they were real haha. Maybe they are. I wish the Cheshire Cat were real too haha. And I thought the acting and characters were a mixed bag. Red Queen (Helena B Carter) got my sympathy, honestly. Alice (Mia Wasikowska) was so dry. I'm thinking her character is supposed to be like that. The Red Hatter wasn't as eccentric as I had hoped, but then again I wasn't sure how the Hatter should be anyway in this future Wonderland. Crispin Glover did so well as the Knave of Hearts XD I was happy with his acting (Though, I still see him as Willard or George McFly >_>). White Queen (Anne Hathaway), ehh, did she always move around so much? So much floaty-ness and twirling. I'm not sure how I feel about that. And her appearance was ehh >_> All white but with dark eyebrows, eyes, lips, and nails. She looked kinda evil to me, hm.
Oh yeah, the last gazebo scene, ahahaha, totally gangster XD
"Shutter Island" was interesting, 7.5/10. Predictable stuff (Then again, Andrea had ruined the ending for me when we were at Battlefest). Though the plot twist wasn't all that crazy and the movie really wasn't suspenseful for me, I think the acting was well-done. Notable performances by Leonardo DiCaprio (Teddy), Mark Ruffalo (Chuck), Ben Kingsley (Dr Cawley), and Ted Levine (the Warden) with his small part. Seriously, I enjoyed the acting. But Michelle Williams' acting was a lil bit iffy. Or maybe it was her character. Her emotion was just off-putting to me, but I suppose that just added to the atmosphere of the movie. Oh, and the suspenseful moments didn't surprise me ): I was slightly disappointed. But the lake scene almost made me cry. Yeaah.
I agree with Brian that the plot twist was predictable and therefore not a real twist. However, the way the movie handled the twist was a bit unexpected. It didn't follow the trend. Haha Claudia was disappointed that the ending didn't follow cliche :P
I read an online review somewhere that compared "Shutter Island" to "The Departed." Honestly, I have to say that I prefer "The Departed." I feel like I could watch that movie more often than I could watch "Shutter Island," but that's just me.
So today, Chris M (from Bernal and ST) gave me a ride to Eastridge around 11h10. Would have picked up Shiva and her friend if she had called, but she didn't. So Chris and I got to the mall around 11h30. Claudia wasn't there yet. And Chris had to leave because his dad called and told him to come home ): I told him he should go home. He bought a ticket for the "Shutter Island" showing at 14h00 and left. I waited for Claudia. She showed up right at noon when "Alice in Wonderland" was supposed to start. I almost thought she wasn't gonna show up, but yeah she did ^_^ If she hadn't, I don't know what I would have done because she has no cell phone and I had no ride for home -_-
Haha and while we were in line so she could buy water, we were talking about how we hate planning things/inviting people to things. People say yes at first, and then gradually they all change their answers to no -_- This is the third time it's happened to me in the past six or so months. I had at least eight people say yes for today. Claudia was obviously supposed to show because she was the one who invited me. Chris came (for the purpose of being my chauffeur XP haha). Brian showed for the second movie. Everyone else decided they didn't want to go or they couldn't go. I'd prefer that people just say no upfront or maybe. Not yes, then no. I dislike that very much. It has a negative impact on my life XP Apparently, the reason why Claudia invites me to the movies is that I mean yes when I say yes. At least for movie-watching. I'm usually good on my word, you know? Yeaah.
Anyway, we watched AiW. The movie ended around 2. I bought chocolate-covered raisins from a vending machine (been so long since I last had some). I put in $3.25 because I was hungry XP And you know, this was a suspenseful experience because the box got stuck D: I almost freaked out. Started pounding on the machine. Eventually, I figured out how to get it out. But ah, I dislike vending machines now T-T
After that, we headed over to the room for SI, where Brian was waiting for us. Haha Brian and I laughed at quite a few things during the movie XP Such silly things. Though, I currently cannot recall what any of them were haha.
When we got out of the theater around 16h30, Chris appeared out of nowhere. Turned out that he had come in to watch the last hour of the movie :O I didn't know. I had seen him come in and sit down in front, but I wasn't sure if it had actually been him >_> I felt bad. He paid $8.75 to watch half a movie D: And he was driving me too DX Mm..
We stood outside the theater for a bit. I talked to each person individually. They didn't really talk to each other -_- I realized I didn't introduce Chris to the other two. But, you know, they could have introduced themselves without me.
Anyway, we headed over to Daiso because Claudia wanted to look at or buy something. Brian left soon after. The rest of us headed over to Barnes & Noble and talked about the different books there. I didn't know Glenn Beck put out many books -_- Scary. Also, so many novels changing their covers to match with the recently-released movies based on them. I'm kinda not liking that, but eh whatever. After a few minutes of the conversation on books and Chris' hand gestures haha, Claudia had to leave.
Chris and I headed to his Jeep. I didn't know where to go, so Chris took me to the spot where he crashed his old Chevelle, poor thing. Spent more than half an hour standing on the side of San Felipe Road talking about his experience and whatnot. Crazy stuff. His car took out a chunk of a telephone pole haha. Damn. I'm surprised the pole is still standing. Oh, we saw two cars racing down the winding road as well. How close they got to running me over, hmm. Worrisome. Also darkness settling in. So we decided to get back in the car.
Drove all the way down San Felipe to Metcalf Road, to Bailey Avenue. So many turns @_@ Dangerous. Ooh, but the city lights, sooo nice. I really wanna just camp out on a tall hill or a mountain and look down on the city lights. And wait for the sunrise :D Ahh, that reminds me of when I used to live next to Valley Christian High School. One of the coolest places to see the city lights from. Oh, memories.
Anyway, yeah, much of the conversation that I had with Chris was about cars and his friend Mike P, whom apparently everyone should know. I know of him. I've known of him since Bernal :P But yeah, all very interesting conversation haha.
So I got home at 18h00, maybe 18h30. I don't remember. But I do remember Mother saying that she liked Chris because he looked like a nice guy haha. He is a nice guy (:
Oh, haha I just remembered that I could have gotten him and Brian talking more if I had mentioned that Brian is on a team building a hybrid formula race car XP Why I didn't think of it earlier, I do not know. Next time.
But yeah, that was basically my day. Good stuff. Movies were good, but conversations were more fun. Next time, I'll try to facilitate conversation, I guess. Though, people already know I'm not much of a conversationalist myself, sooo... Don't expect amazing conversation starters from me. I'm usually better at one-on-one conversations, in which the other speaker has more to say than I do or is passionate about something ^_^ Yeah, if you hadn't noticed.
Mm, fun stuff. Shall spend tomorrow doing some homework. At least another chapter for Sociology. I need motivation to start on my essays though -_- Blah. Ooh, Queer Prom in three weeks. I want to go. We'll see what happens, hm.
Oh yeah, yesterday was cool too. Spent the day chillin' at Shiva's and doing French homework haha. Brian came over when we were watching the Japanese version of Sailor Moon. Oh, memories XD There were also invasions of foot space. Offers of a shoulder to lean on. Literally. Lessons in hugs, I suppose >_> scary stuff. She made me hug Phil XP haha.
Ok, enough remembering stuff for tonight. I need sleep. Soon.
AiW, 7/10. The computer effects, awesome. The creatures looked amazing. The Bandersnatch and the Jabberwocky, I wish they were real haha. Maybe they are. I wish the Cheshire Cat were real too haha. And I thought the acting and characters were a mixed bag. Red Queen (Helena B Carter) got my sympathy, honestly. Alice (Mia Wasikowska) was so dry. I'm thinking her character is supposed to be like that. The Red Hatter wasn't as eccentric as I had hoped, but then again I wasn't sure how the Hatter should be anyway in this future Wonderland. Crispin Glover did so well as the Knave of Hearts XD I was happy with his acting (Though, I still see him as Willard or George McFly >_>). White Queen (Anne Hathaway), ehh, did she always move around so much? So much floaty-ness and twirling. I'm not sure how I feel about that. And her appearance was ehh >_> All white but with dark eyebrows, eyes, lips, and nails. She looked kinda evil to me, hm.
Oh yeah, the last gazebo scene, ahahaha, totally gangster XD
"Shutter Island" was interesting, 7.5/10. Predictable stuff (Then again, Andrea had ruined the ending for me when we were at Battlefest). Though the plot twist wasn't all that crazy and the movie really wasn't suspenseful for me, I think the acting was well-done. Notable performances by Leonardo DiCaprio (Teddy), Mark Ruffalo (Chuck), Ben Kingsley (Dr Cawley), and Ted Levine (the Warden) with his small part. Seriously, I enjoyed the acting. But Michelle Williams' acting was a lil bit iffy. Or maybe it was her character. Her emotion was just off-putting to me, but I suppose that just added to the atmosphere of the movie. Oh, and the suspenseful moments didn't surprise me ): I was slightly disappointed. But the lake scene almost made me cry. Yeaah.
I agree with Brian that the plot twist was predictable and therefore not a real twist. However, the way the movie handled the twist was a bit unexpected. It didn't follow the trend. Haha Claudia was disappointed that the ending didn't follow cliche :P
I read an online review somewhere that compared "Shutter Island" to "The Departed." Honestly, I have to say that I prefer "The Departed." I feel like I could watch that movie more often than I could watch "Shutter Island," but that's just me.
So today, Chris M (from Bernal and ST) gave me a ride to Eastridge around 11h10. Would have picked up Shiva and her friend if she had called, but she didn't. So Chris and I got to the mall around 11h30. Claudia wasn't there yet. And Chris had to leave because his dad called and told him to come home ): I told him he should go home. He bought a ticket for the "Shutter Island" showing at 14h00 and left. I waited for Claudia. She showed up right at noon when "Alice in Wonderland" was supposed to start. I almost thought she wasn't gonna show up, but yeah she did ^_^ If she hadn't, I don't know what I would have done because she has no cell phone and I had no ride for home -_-
Haha and while we were in line so she could buy water, we were talking about how we hate planning things/inviting people to things. People say yes at first, and then gradually they all change their answers to no -_- This is the third time it's happened to me in the past six or so months. I had at least eight people say yes for today. Claudia was obviously supposed to show because she was the one who invited me. Chris came (for the purpose of being my chauffeur XP haha). Brian showed for the second movie. Everyone else decided they didn't want to go or they couldn't go. I'd prefer that people just say no upfront or maybe. Not yes, then no. I dislike that very much. It has a negative impact on my life XP Apparently, the reason why Claudia invites me to the movies is that I mean yes when I say yes. At least for movie-watching. I'm usually good on my word, you know? Yeaah.
Anyway, we watched AiW. The movie ended around 2. I bought chocolate-covered raisins from a vending machine (been so long since I last had some). I put in $3.25 because I was hungry XP And you know, this was a suspenseful experience because the box got stuck D: I almost freaked out. Started pounding on the machine. Eventually, I figured out how to get it out. But ah, I dislike vending machines now T-T
After that, we headed over to the room for SI, where Brian was waiting for us. Haha Brian and I laughed at quite a few things during the movie XP Such silly things. Though, I currently cannot recall what any of them were haha.
When we got out of the theater around 16h30, Chris appeared out of nowhere. Turned out that he had come in to watch the last hour of the movie :O I didn't know. I had seen him come in and sit down in front, but I wasn't sure if it had actually been him >_> I felt bad. He paid $8.75 to watch half a movie D: And he was driving me too DX Mm..
We stood outside the theater for a bit. I talked to each person individually. They didn't really talk to each other -_- I realized I didn't introduce Chris to the other two. But, you know, they could have introduced themselves without me.
Anyway, we headed over to Daiso because Claudia wanted to look at or buy something. Brian left soon after. The rest of us headed over to Barnes & Noble and talked about the different books there. I didn't know Glenn Beck put out many books -_- Scary. Also, so many novels changing their covers to match with the recently-released movies based on them. I'm kinda not liking that, but eh whatever. After a few minutes of the conversation on books and Chris' hand gestures haha, Claudia had to leave.
Chris and I headed to his Jeep. I didn't know where to go, so Chris took me to the spot where he crashed his old Chevelle, poor thing. Spent more than half an hour standing on the side of San Felipe Road talking about his experience and whatnot. Crazy stuff. His car took out a chunk of a telephone pole haha. Damn. I'm surprised the pole is still standing. Oh, we saw two cars racing down the winding road as well. How close they got to running me over, hmm. Worrisome. Also darkness settling in. So we decided to get back in the car.
Drove all the way down San Felipe to Metcalf Road, to Bailey Avenue. So many turns @_@ Dangerous. Ooh, but the city lights, sooo nice. I really wanna just camp out on a tall hill or a mountain and look down on the city lights. And wait for the sunrise :D Ahh, that reminds me of when I used to live next to Valley Christian High School. One of the coolest places to see the city lights from. Oh, memories.
Anyway, yeah, much of the conversation that I had with Chris was about cars and his friend Mike P, whom apparently everyone should know. I know of him. I've known of him since Bernal :P But yeah, all very interesting conversation haha.
So I got home at 18h00, maybe 18h30. I don't remember. But I do remember Mother saying that she liked Chris because he looked like a nice guy haha. He is a nice guy (:
Oh, haha I just remembered that I could have gotten him and Brian talking more if I had mentioned that Brian is on a team building a hybrid formula race car XP Why I didn't think of it earlier, I do not know. Next time.
But yeah, that was basically my day. Good stuff. Movies were good, but conversations were more fun. Next time, I'll try to facilitate conversation, I guess. Though, people already know I'm not much of a conversationalist myself, sooo... Don't expect amazing conversation starters from me. I'm usually better at one-on-one conversations, in which the other speaker has more to say than I do or is passionate about something ^_^ Yeah, if you hadn't noticed.
Mm, fun stuff. Shall spend tomorrow doing some homework. At least another chapter for Sociology. I need motivation to start on my essays though -_- Blah. Ooh, Queer Prom in three weeks. I want to go. We'll see what happens, hm.
Oh yeah, yesterday was cool too. Spent the day chillin' at Shiva's and doing French homework haha. Brian came over when we were watching the Japanese version of Sailor Moon. Oh, memories XD There were also invasions of foot space. Offers of a shoulder to lean on. Literally. Lessons in hugs, I suppose >_> scary stuff. She made me hug Phil XP haha.
Ok, enough remembering stuff for tonight. I need sleep. Soon.
Monday, February 15, 2010
First furlough day of the semester. Woot.
Not really "woot." Nothing too interesting happened today. So I'm just gonna think through my day -shrug-
Long, rambling entry follows... :P
I rode my bike to the light rail (finally). Didn't have to worry about crowding on the light rail because it was a furlough day, meaning no or few students. Haha I'm too weak to lift my bike up onto the racks XP I'll work on it. Then again, I've never seen anyone put their BMX on the rack. Those with BMX bikes seem to just stand with their bikes. So I think that's what I'll do from now on.
About a ten-minute ride to the light rail from the house. Also about a ten-minute ride from the Children's Discover Museum to campus. So I got to campus half an hour early, since I had gotten on the light rail at the usual time. I rode up to the Engineering Building because it's where my only morning class is. Took me five minutes to figure out how to put the U-lock on my bike XP
After that, I biked to a bench near the Event Center where the sun was supposed to shine soon after. Cold at 9 in the morning. Sat down and did homework for about two hours. Biked down to Bicycle Express with the intention of buying a headlight, but there was like a line of people in front O_O I didn't want to wait, so I headed back to campus (I'll buy it tomorrow). Sat at another bench and did more homework. Finished all that I brought with me by 11.
I went to Shiva's place because I didn't know what to do after all my homework was done. I hadn't brought a novel to read because I thought I wouldn't finish my homework early -_-
At Shiva's, I brought my bike up because it's safer for the bike that way. Though, I'm gonna go get the access key to the bike enclosures tomorrow (Quite a few things I must do tomorrow). Anyway, Kendo officer meeting, yaayy. Though, I don't know, errr I don't remember the names of the two naginata folks >_> I just know Brian and Shiva :P
Initially, I just sat on the sofa, did sudoku puzzles, and listened to music, occasionally listening in on the discussion. Some weird tangents, like a physics equation (FMA ftw! Only way I'll ever remember that tiny equation) O_o And some minor disagreements(?) between Brian and Shiva :O The other two and I just kept looking at each other like "Whoa >_> scary <_< intense >_<" haha. Wasn't too bad, but people were starting to sound a lil defensive. Yeaah.
I left. At 3. For French. Review for Interrogation #1 on Wednesday :P I kept coughing in class -_- Ugh, it was annoying. And seriously, nine people showed up today. Then again, apparently there are only thirteen students enrolled in this class. Hm.
After class, I went back to Shiva's to get my bike and head home. And yeah, I know, 5 PM is way too early to go home. It's sad, but I can't keep hangin' out late so much. Even if I did finish most of my homework <_<
First time I've biked since that one time with Robert B after senior year XP So dusty. Nostalgic. Very tiring. But at least I've been warming up (exercising) in the morning, so it wasn't too bad. I need to raise up the seat though. It's too low. Extra workout D:
Hmm, I hope this bike thing works out for the best. Yesterday, on the start of the new year, D gave the Cressida to Brother's friend because D felt the car was too dangerous to drive any longer and he didn't want to have to deal with junking the car himself. Haha yeah, when shit gets dangerous, you're supposed to let someone else deal with it :P
So D will now drive the Avalon. Mother should drive the Murano. But apparently, today, she waited till D was home from work to ask him to drive her to buy groceries -_- How disappointing. But yeah, this is how it goes. I now have my bike and the light rail, as long as my bike doesn't get jacked :D And Brother shall wait till August before he can get his license back and have enough money to get another car.
Oh, so apparently, I have enough financial aid money saved (from all four semesters combined) to buy a used car. Sadly, I can't make that decision.
Anyway, tomorrow, things I must do:
Buy headlight
Obtain access key to bike enclosures ($10 deposit?)
Obtain proof of financial aid and full-time status
Start essays haha
I feel like I'm forgetting something else I need to do tomorrow D: Damn it.
You know, I think Mr Reed's checklist habit really got to me. I've been making lists of homework, things I want, things I need, movies to watch, music to download, books to read, resolutions to accomplish, and more. Too many lists. And the only lists I've been going through are my homework lists -_- Most of my other lists are getting longer and longer D:
Resolutions, oh my.
1. Follow: No anger. No complaints.
-Struggling with this one :/ Though, yesterday and today have been all right.
2. Daily: Get out of bed by 0700.
-I'm good on school days haha. Weekends, I'm having some trouble getting up, but I do sometimes.
3. Daily: Meditate for 10 minutes.
-I haven't started. I'm trying, but I can't keep my head in it.
4. Daily: Do 20 push-ups, 20 crunches, 20 chin-ups.
+I'm actually keeping up with this. Yay. Well, with half chin-ups, or quarter chin-ups haha.
5. Do a fitness activity at least twice a week.
+It all started with a bicycle. Finally.
6. Daily: Drink 1 bottle of water.
+My daily intake of H2O has greatly improved :D
7. Daily: Spend 3 extra hours max on the Internet.
+For the most part, I've been homeworking while "socializing" online and whatnot :P
8. Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
+Yay for French class. It actually passes by pretty quickly for me. As for Vietnamese, I haven't had much opportunity to improve it yet.
9. Choose a major by March 31.
-I'm not sure how I would gauge the progress on this. Not sure there is progress. But I suppose, right now, I'm leaning toward Philosophy :O But I could just be saying that, so that I don't feel like I'm not getting anywhere >_>
10. Get a job by summertime.
-I've applied to a few places. No replies :(
11. Do not doubt myself.
-I haven't quite figured out how to do this yet.
12. Prepare for and go to Anime Expo 2010.
-This is being delayed. And sadly (though not unexpectedly), I probably won't cosplay, since I realize Alex will probably choose something that I haven't watched/read/played.
13. Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone.
-I've heard Mt Hamilton has a pretty nice view of the sunrise and sunset, though I'm sure it's very very cold. Hmm. Who has a car and wants to go? haha. And yeah, I'm totally serious about this resolution. I really wanna watch the sunrise/sunset with someone, preferably someone I really care about. But you know, romantic stuff like that doesn't happen to me XP so I'll settle for watching it with good friends ^_^
Ahh, I need to go to bed early. Way tired. Still wishing I updated about more important and interesting things. But I don't know what. I shall find something interesting to update about. Yeah.
Yay for wasting virtual space :P
Long, rambling entry follows... :P
I rode my bike to the light rail (finally). Didn't have to worry about crowding on the light rail because it was a furlough day, meaning no or few students. Haha I'm too weak to lift my bike up onto the racks XP I'll work on it. Then again, I've never seen anyone put their BMX on the rack. Those with BMX bikes seem to just stand with their bikes. So I think that's what I'll do from now on.
About a ten-minute ride to the light rail from the house. Also about a ten-minute ride from the Children's Discover Museum to campus. So I got to campus half an hour early, since I had gotten on the light rail at the usual time. I rode up to the Engineering Building because it's where my only morning class is. Took me five minutes to figure out how to put the U-lock on my bike XP
After that, I biked to a bench near the Event Center where the sun was supposed to shine soon after. Cold at 9 in the morning. Sat down and did homework for about two hours. Biked down to Bicycle Express with the intention of buying a headlight, but there was like a line of people in front O_O I didn't want to wait, so I headed back to campus (I'll buy it tomorrow). Sat at another bench and did more homework. Finished all that I brought with me by 11.
I went to Shiva's place because I didn't know what to do after all my homework was done. I hadn't brought a novel to read because I thought I wouldn't finish my homework early -_-
At Shiva's, I brought my bike up because it's safer for the bike that way. Though, I'm gonna go get the access key to the bike enclosures tomorrow (Quite a few things I must do tomorrow). Anyway, Kendo officer meeting, yaayy. Though, I don't know, errr I don't remember the names of the two naginata folks >_> I just know Brian and Shiva :P
Initially, I just sat on the sofa, did sudoku puzzles, and listened to music, occasionally listening in on the discussion. Some weird tangents, like a physics equation (FMA ftw! Only way I'll ever remember that tiny equation) O_o And some minor disagreements(?) between Brian and Shiva :O The other two and I just kept looking at each other like "Whoa >_> scary <_< intense >_<" haha. Wasn't too bad, but people were starting to sound a lil defensive. Yeaah.
I left. At 3. For French. Review for Interrogation #1 on Wednesday :P I kept coughing in class -_- Ugh, it was annoying. And seriously, nine people showed up today. Then again, apparently there are only thirteen students enrolled in this class. Hm.
After class, I went back to Shiva's to get my bike and head home. And yeah, I know, 5 PM is way too early to go home. It's sad, but I can't keep hangin' out late so much. Even if I did finish most of my homework <_<
First time I've biked since that one time with Robert B after senior year XP So dusty. Nostalgic. Very tiring. But at least I've been warming up (exercising) in the morning, so it wasn't too bad. I need to raise up the seat though. It's too low. Extra workout D:
Hmm, I hope this bike thing works out for the best. Yesterday, on the start of the new year, D gave the Cressida to Brother's friend because D felt the car was too dangerous to drive any longer and he didn't want to have to deal with junking the car himself. Haha yeah, when shit gets dangerous, you're supposed to let someone else deal with it :P
So D will now drive the Avalon. Mother should drive the Murano. But apparently, today, she waited till D was home from work to ask him to drive her to buy groceries -_- How disappointing. But yeah, this is how it goes. I now have my bike and the light rail, as long as my bike doesn't get jacked :D And Brother shall wait till August before he can get his license back and have enough money to get another car.
Oh, so apparently, I have enough financial aid money saved (from all four semesters combined) to buy a used car. Sadly, I can't make that decision.
Anyway, tomorrow, things I must do:
Buy headlight
Obtain access key to bike enclosures ($10 deposit?)
Obtain proof of financial aid and full-time status
Start essays haha
I feel like I'm forgetting something else I need to do tomorrow D: Damn it.
You know, I think Mr Reed's checklist habit really got to me. I've been making lists of homework, things I want, things I need, movies to watch, music to download, books to read, resolutions to accomplish, and more. Too many lists. And the only lists I've been going through are my homework lists -_- Most of my other lists are getting longer and longer D:
Resolutions, oh my.
1. Follow: No anger. No complaints.
-Struggling with this one :/ Though, yesterday and today have been all right.
2. Daily: Get out of bed by 0700.
-I'm good on school days haha. Weekends, I'm having some trouble getting up, but I do sometimes.
3. Daily: Meditate for 10 minutes.
-I haven't started. I'm trying, but I can't keep my head in it.
4. Daily: Do 20 push-ups, 20 crunches, 20 chin-ups.
+I'm actually keeping up with this. Yay. Well, with half chin-ups, or quarter chin-ups haha.
5. Do a fitness activity at least twice a week.
+It all started with a bicycle. Finally.
6. Daily: Drink 1 bottle of water.
+My daily intake of H2O has greatly improved :D
7. Daily: Spend 3 extra hours max on the Internet.
+For the most part, I've been homeworking while "socializing" online and whatnot :P
8. Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
+Yay for French class. It actually passes by pretty quickly for me. As for Vietnamese, I haven't had much opportunity to improve it yet.
9. Choose a major by March 31.
-I'm not sure how I would gauge the progress on this. Not sure there is progress. But I suppose, right now, I'm leaning toward Philosophy :O But I could just be saying that, so that I don't feel like I'm not getting anywhere >_>
10. Get a job by summertime.
-I've applied to a few places. No replies :(
11. Do not doubt myself.
-I haven't quite figured out how to do this yet.
12. Prepare for and go to Anime Expo 2010.
-This is being delayed. And sadly (though not unexpectedly), I probably won't cosplay, since I realize Alex will probably choose something that I haven't watched/read/played.
13. Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone.
-I've heard Mt Hamilton has a pretty nice view of the sunrise and sunset, though I'm sure it's very very cold. Hmm. Who has a car and wants to go? haha. And yeah, I'm totally serious about this resolution. I really wanna watch the sunrise/sunset with someone, preferably someone I really care about. But you know, romantic stuff like that doesn't happen to me XP so I'll settle for watching it with good friends ^_^
Ahh, I need to go to bed early. Way tired. Still wishing I updated about more important and interesting things. But I don't know what. I shall find something interesting to update about. Yeah.
Yay for wasting virtual space :P
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thinking and driving
I drive Brother to work quite often. At least three times a week. I usually don't mind. I actually enjoy it. Or at least a part of the drive. The only times I'm ever annoyed is when I have other stuff I want to do and the request for a chauffeur is at the last minute.
I'm also annoyed when Brother demands that I drive him anywhere. If he asks, then I'm all right with driving him. But when he orders me to drive him, I just get irritated.
I realize that I don't really care about driving, but I do actually enjoy driving. Alone, for the most part. When Mother or Brother is in the car with me, the experience is less enjoyable. I don't mind driving friends because we can talk about things or I can listen to the conversation. But with Mother and Brother, conversation is not something I really look forward to.
Hm, I usually take 85 and 87 to drive Brother to work. I just put on some music and hope that there's not much conversation. But Brother likes to talk and vent. So I listen, unless my irritability gets the best of me. I try not to let it, but it gets hard sometimes. Especially if one of us has received Mother's wrath just before leaving the house. Mm, generally, the drive to Brother's work isn't too bad. Especially if I drive fast (enough to get him out of the car sooner).
When I head home from GJ, I have the car to myself.
Sometimes, I take the freeway back home to get there sooner. Speed, great speed. Sometimes, I really need the speed, the adrenaline, the risk. I never really remember anything from these drives because I'm just so focused on the speed, the wind that I can feel beating against the car. Occasionally, I do remember why I'm speeding.
Once in a while, I take the freeway, but I don't pass the speed limit. Stick to 65 mph. Stay in the third or fourth lane. The tailgaters eventually pass me (if they get the hint that I'm not speeding up). I usually don't think about anything during these drives because I'm focusing on the speed limit. If I do end up thinking, I start speeding up accidentally. So I try not to think and just drive.
My most frequent route to take, however, is Monterey Road. Slower than the freeway speeds, though sometimes I go as fast as 65 mph just because.
To get to Monterey Road from GJ, I head east on St John, south on Fourth, east on Santa Clara, and then south on Tenth. I like driving by school, by the student apartments. I always look up at the apartments when I drive down Tenth. I don't know why. I just look. I often have the urge to go park in the parking garage and walk around campus at night. But I don't... And I keep driving. When I get to Franklin Elementary (my first school), I turn west and head toward Monterey Road. Left at the Seventh St light and head on down Old Tully Road. Left at the light and I'm on Monterey.
I stick to the second lane. The first lane is too fast, and the third, too slow. Also, there's less risk of running over a jaywalker in the second lane. Gives me more time to react. I learned.
Usually, I just head straight down Monterey until I get to the Bernal overpass. Sometimes, this seems too quick.
I want more time to think. With music. Or sing with music haha. So I turn right at Skyway, Branham, or Chynoweth to drive down Snell and Santa Teresa toward home. I like passing ST. Remember the feeling of being in high school with friends. Think about all the people who aren't around anymore. Nostalgia. I used to drive by ST a lot during my first year of college. This past semester, I did it less. I need to let go.
If I don't want too much more time in the car, I drive onto the Blossom Hill ramp from Monterey. Left on Lean.
Hm, I always end up thinking the same things over and over.
I always end up wishing I could drive longer.
Don't go home. Just keep driving, keep thinking. But I know if I keep driving, I would get in trouble for not coming home on time.
I don't know why I started this entry. But as I was driving home from GJ, I was thinking about this. Thinking about a lot of things. Thinking about talking to people, to someone. I kept looking at the passenger seat next to me. I don't know why.
Off-topic: I want, but I don't want. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure it does (outside of my head). Maybe because I'm not explaining it. Yeah, that could be it.
Back to the topic: I enjoy driving. I don't really care much about the act of driving. It gets me from place to place, and that's that. With or without a destination, driving helps sometimes. I don't know how, but it does. Though, I'm sure it's only because I get to think. Driving alone is the best alone time I can get. The car has to be moving. If it stops and I'm just sitting, it's the same as if I'm sitting at home and thinking.
I should bike more. Or walk more. Or maybe sitting and thinking is the best way to go.
Oh, Brother purchased a U-lock and a rear bike light for me today. Fifty bucks D: He's gonna buy a chain for me too. Maybe I should have gotten the U-lock and chain set. Oh well. I need to go to the Student Union to get an access key to the bike enclosures. Maybe Monday. I won't start biking any time soon though, I don't think. It's supposed to rain for a week -_-
I may or may not go to campus tomorrow. I don't wanna stay home. I didn't want to stay home today, but I didn't have much of a choice. Stuff got in the way. Literally. The Harwells (landlord and landlady) came by to trim the tree in front of the house. Branches and leaves blocked the pathway in front of the house. And I was also obligated to pick up Brother and drive him around.
Anyway, I probably won't go to campus tomorrow because I shouldn't. Why I shouldn't, I don't know. I just feel like I shouldn't, even though I want to.
I don't feel like I'm making sense anymore. I'm going to bed early tonight. Maybe I'll get better sleep if I lie down earlier than 11.
Last thoughts: Although I'm only halfway done with the novel, I can say that Watchers, written by Dean Koontz, is quite interesting. I can relate to Nora, though not to such an extreme extent, I suppose. I know I'm not all that bad. I don't doubt myself so much that I can't look anyone directly in the eye. But I know I think like her. We know how good we can be and how much we deserve. Yet, knowing is hardly believing... And...
I want to be reclusive.
I'm also annoyed when Brother demands that I drive him anywhere. If he asks, then I'm all right with driving him. But when he orders me to drive him, I just get irritated.
I realize that I don't really care about driving, but I do actually enjoy driving. Alone, for the most part. When Mother or Brother is in the car with me, the experience is less enjoyable. I don't mind driving friends because we can talk about things or I can listen to the conversation. But with Mother and Brother, conversation is not something I really look forward to.
Hm, I usually take 85 and 87 to drive Brother to work. I just put on some music and hope that there's not much conversation. But Brother likes to talk and vent. So I listen, unless my irritability gets the best of me. I try not to let it, but it gets hard sometimes. Especially if one of us has received Mother's wrath just before leaving the house. Mm, generally, the drive to Brother's work isn't too bad. Especially if I drive fast (enough to get him out of the car sooner).
When I head home from GJ, I have the car to myself.
Sometimes, I take the freeway back home to get there sooner. Speed, great speed. Sometimes, I really need the speed, the adrenaline, the risk. I never really remember anything from these drives because I'm just so focused on the speed, the wind that I can feel beating against the car. Occasionally, I do remember why I'm speeding.
Once in a while, I take the freeway, but I don't pass the speed limit. Stick to 65 mph. Stay in the third or fourth lane. The tailgaters eventually pass me (if they get the hint that I'm not speeding up). I usually don't think about anything during these drives because I'm focusing on the speed limit. If I do end up thinking, I start speeding up accidentally. So I try not to think and just drive.
My most frequent route to take, however, is Monterey Road. Slower than the freeway speeds, though sometimes I go as fast as 65 mph just because.
To get to Monterey Road from GJ, I head east on St John, south on Fourth, east on Santa Clara, and then south on Tenth. I like driving by school, by the student apartments. I always look up at the apartments when I drive down Tenth. I don't know why. I just look. I often have the urge to go park in the parking garage and walk around campus at night. But I don't... And I keep driving. When I get to Franklin Elementary (my first school), I turn west and head toward Monterey Road. Left at the Seventh St light and head on down Old Tully Road. Left at the light and I'm on Monterey.
I stick to the second lane. The first lane is too fast, and the third, too slow. Also, there's less risk of running over a jaywalker in the second lane. Gives me more time to react. I learned.
Usually, I just head straight down Monterey until I get to the Bernal overpass. Sometimes, this seems too quick.
I want more time to think. With music. Or sing with music haha. So I turn right at Skyway, Branham, or Chynoweth to drive down Snell and Santa Teresa toward home. I like passing ST. Remember the feeling of being in high school with friends. Think about all the people who aren't around anymore. Nostalgia. I used to drive by ST a lot during my first year of college. This past semester, I did it less. I need to let go.
If I don't want too much more time in the car, I drive onto the Blossom Hill ramp from Monterey. Left on Lean.
Hm, I always end up thinking the same things over and over.
I always end up wishing I could drive longer.
Don't go home. Just keep driving, keep thinking. But I know if I keep driving, I would get in trouble for not coming home on time.
I don't know why I started this entry. But as I was driving home from GJ, I was thinking about this. Thinking about a lot of things. Thinking about talking to people, to someone. I kept looking at the passenger seat next to me. I don't know why.
Off-topic: I want, but I don't want. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure it does (outside of my head). Maybe because I'm not explaining it. Yeah, that could be it.
Back to the topic: I enjoy driving. I don't really care much about the act of driving. It gets me from place to place, and that's that. With or without a destination, driving helps sometimes. I don't know how, but it does. Though, I'm sure it's only because I get to think. Driving alone is the best alone time I can get. The car has to be moving. If it stops and I'm just sitting, it's the same as if I'm sitting at home and thinking.
I should bike more. Or walk more. Or maybe sitting and thinking is the best way to go.
Oh, Brother purchased a U-lock and a rear bike light for me today. Fifty bucks D: He's gonna buy a chain for me too. Maybe I should have gotten the U-lock and chain set. Oh well. I need to go to the Student Union to get an access key to the bike enclosures. Maybe Monday. I won't start biking any time soon though, I don't think. It's supposed to rain for a week -_-
I may or may not go to campus tomorrow. I don't wanna stay home. I didn't want to stay home today, but I didn't have much of a choice. Stuff got in the way. Literally. The Harwells (landlord and landlady) came by to trim the tree in front of the house. Branches and leaves blocked the pathway in front of the house. And I was also obligated to pick up Brother and drive him around.
Anyway, I probably won't go to campus tomorrow because I shouldn't. Why I shouldn't, I don't know. I just feel like I shouldn't, even though I want to.
I don't feel like I'm making sense anymore. I'm going to bed early tonight. Maybe I'll get better sleep if I lie down earlier than 11.
Last thoughts: Although I'm only halfway done with the novel, I can say that Watchers, written by Dean Koontz, is quite interesting. I can relate to Nora, though not to such an extreme extent, I suppose. I know I'm not all that bad. I don't doubt myself so much that I can't look anyone directly in the eye. But I know I think like her. We know how good we can be and how much we deserve. Yet, knowing is hardly believing... And...
I want to be reclusive.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
I ran... I ran so far away...
It's in my head. Stop. Stop thinking. Fight it. Stop obsessing. Fight it. Don't give in. Don't give up. This isn't healthy for you. Stop. Let it go. Move on. I always move on. Why am I not moving on? I always get over it. Why am I not getting over it?
This is what happens in my head when I start thinking about too many things before I go to sleep. You know, I often wish that I had the telekinetic power to type up a blog. I always think of everything I want to write about when I'm lying down in bed at night, but I end up forgetting a lot of it the next morning. It saddens me when this happens. I always come up with the catchiest titles then, too -_- Blahh...
I had to wake up at 04h45 this morning to drive D to work because the Cressida broke down in front of my house yesterday haha. Have to pick him up later in the afternoon.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep until probably midnight last night, and it was a dreamless night. I laid in bed, thinking about things. I am soo obsessive. It's pretty bad.
Mm, so when I was going to pick D up, I was pretty happy though tired. It was foggy (though not foggy enough), and there were almost no cars on the streets. I love that. The darkness, fogginess, emptiness. <_<>_> Yes, I'm weird, I know. I like how depressing love songs make me feel. Their songs on this album just feel right, I dunno).
I managed to get an hour of sleep, so I didn't get up before 07h00 :/ Oh well. I had a two-part dream. Though, the two parts did not seem related in any way. And I realize I have quite a few dreams in which I am driving, hm.
Dream: I'm driving a sports car of some sort. Brother is in the passenger seat, and a girl is sitting the backseat. Apparently, I'm giving Brother's friend a ride home. We're headed north on Monterey Road. Before we reach Senter Road, a large group of high-school-aged people with teachers (I recognized Joelle, a dance instructor from SJSU O_o) swarm the street from the hills. They are all walking north as well. It seems that they are walking to Fanime in downtown. I slow down, so that I don't run anyone over.
Then I see someone I know. A girl (Some1) that I want to talk to (in my head: "Why is she here? She isn't supposed to be here. Why didn't she tell me she was here?"). But she's far ahead. I try to speed up a little. But she's moving too fast. She's on some funky looking pair of rollerblades. More like she's floating on orb-like things. They looked futuristic haha. Anyway, I try to catch up to her, but then a group of teens walk directly in front of my car. I have to slow down to 5 mph.
Brother asks why I was speeding up and slowing down so much. I tell him that I want to talk to the friend that's getting away. He tells me to honk the horn, so I can catch up and also so that I can drive his friend home in time. I'm surprised that he doesn't tell me to just run the people over >_> So I press the car horn. I'm surprised that I do that (I don't like honking the car horn at anyone).
The girls turn around in surprise. A guy walking next to my car looks at me in surprise, as if he didn't expect me to honk. But the girls get out of the way. I speed up, but Some1 has gone out of sight. I am sad and slow down again.
Something happens here, and I end up in Brother's room (that's if he had his own room). We're watching a movie or something. Brother and I are talking about something that has to do with gay couples -shrug- Then he asks, "Like those two guys on the screen?" I look at the screen and nod.
Then I'm in the scene with two teen jocks who are kissing each other. I can't describe them, but I feel like I've seen this movie before. Suddenly, after the passionate kiss, one boy shoves the other one away and says, "What the fuck? What are we doing? This is disgusting. This can't happen." Apparently, the boy had thought he was straight, but then the kiss happened. The boy stands there, looking angry. The other guy wipes his lips with the back of his hand but looks at the boy with a sad look in his eyes. The boy says, "I can't do this. I lo... But I can't do this for you. I'm sorry." The boy storms out of the bedroom, angry at himself. I stand there, watching this all play out, not affecting anything as I walk around. The guy whispers slowly, "But you love me..."
I'm walking down the stairs outside the bedroom door. I stare at a little girl in the living room, afraid she will look at me, know what I did, and hate me. I see the boy's father and continue to feel the shame. I walk out the door, hoping I don't the other boy's mother. I don't want them to know what I just did with their son. I need to get away. I don't want them to know how much I'm hurting their son.
And that's the whole dream. I feel like the boy loves the other guy but doesn't want to. Not because he doesn't want to be gay (though he uses that as an excuse), but because he doesn't want anyone to love him. That was what I was thinking as I walked out the front door. That walking away part, I'm the boy who shoved the other boy away.
I wish I knew why I switched into his role. I wish I knew why I'm often driving in my dreams, why I never get to where I'm going. I wish my dreams would finish. They never finish, not even close.
-sigh-
Anyway, I was listening to the radio this morning in the car. Three songs that I absolutely enjoy were played:
The music video is nothing special, but the song is so damn catchy to me. It's one of the few songs that I do put on repeat. And there are some awesome covers of this song on YouTube too. Listen to HappySlip's cover haha :)
Next one: It's the song of my life. Well, no, not really haha. But it's the song I listen to now when I'm feeling down and doubtful of my awesomeness haha. It gives me hope, I suppose -shrug- It helps me to be delusional, you know? haha XD
Last one: A classic. I think I first heard this song on GTA: Vice City though haha.
Yeah, fun stuff :) Happy music in the morning, good.
Continual complaining in the morning, bad :( I need to wake up earlier, so no one will be awake to bitch about anything -_- Happy mornings, please. Or at least neutral ones.
No sad or angry mornings. Can't deal with that. Ugh.. I want my quiet mornings.
This is what happens in my head when I start thinking about too many things before I go to sleep. You know, I often wish that I had the telekinetic power to type up a blog. I always think of everything I want to write about when I'm lying down in bed at night, but I end up forgetting a lot of it the next morning. It saddens me when this happens. I always come up with the catchiest titles then, too -_- Blahh...
I had to wake up at 04h45 this morning to drive D to work because the Cressida broke down in front of my house yesterday haha. Have to pick him up later in the afternoon.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep until probably midnight last night, and it was a dreamless night. I laid in bed, thinking about things. I am soo obsessive. It's pretty bad.
Mm, so when I was going to pick D up, I was pretty happy though tired. It was foggy (though not foggy enough), and there were almost no cars on the streets. I love that. The darkness, fogginess, emptiness. <_<>_> Yes, I'm weird, I know. I like how depressing love songs make me feel. Their songs on this album just feel right, I dunno).
I managed to get an hour of sleep, so I didn't get up before 07h00 :/ Oh well. I had a two-part dream. Though, the two parts did not seem related in any way. And I realize I have quite a few dreams in which I am driving, hm.
Dream: I'm driving a sports car of some sort. Brother is in the passenger seat, and a girl is sitting the backseat. Apparently, I'm giving Brother's friend a ride home. We're headed north on Monterey Road. Before we reach Senter Road, a large group of high-school-aged people with teachers (I recognized Joelle, a dance instructor from SJSU O_o) swarm the street from the hills. They are all walking north as well. It seems that they are walking to Fanime in downtown. I slow down, so that I don't run anyone over.
Then I see someone I know. A girl (Some1) that I want to talk to (in my head: "Why is she here? She isn't supposed to be here. Why didn't she tell me she was here?"). But she's far ahead. I try to speed up a little. But she's moving too fast. She's on some funky looking pair of rollerblades. More like she's floating on orb-like things. They looked futuristic haha. Anyway, I try to catch up to her, but then a group of teens walk directly in front of my car. I have to slow down to 5 mph.
Brother asks why I was speeding up and slowing down so much. I tell him that I want to talk to the friend that's getting away. He tells me to honk the horn, so I can catch up and also so that I can drive his friend home in time. I'm surprised that he doesn't tell me to just run the people over >_> So I press the car horn. I'm surprised that I do that (I don't like honking the car horn at anyone).
The girls turn around in surprise. A guy walking next to my car looks at me in surprise, as if he didn't expect me to honk. But the girls get out of the way. I speed up, but Some1 has gone out of sight. I am sad and slow down again.
Something happens here, and I end up in Brother's room (that's if he had his own room). We're watching a movie or something. Brother and I are talking about something that has to do with gay couples -shrug- Then he asks, "Like those two guys on the screen?" I look at the screen and nod.
Then I'm in the scene with two teen jocks who are kissing each other. I can't describe them, but I feel like I've seen this movie before. Suddenly, after the passionate kiss, one boy shoves the other one away and says, "What the fuck? What are we doing? This is disgusting. This can't happen." Apparently, the boy had thought he was straight, but then the kiss happened. The boy stands there, looking angry. The other guy wipes his lips with the back of his hand but looks at the boy with a sad look in his eyes. The boy says, "I can't do this. I lo... But I can't do this for you. I'm sorry." The boy storms out of the bedroom, angry at himself. I stand there, watching this all play out, not affecting anything as I walk around. The guy whispers slowly, "But you love me..."
I'm walking down the stairs outside the bedroom door. I stare at a little girl in the living room, afraid she will look at me, know what I did, and hate me. I see the boy's father and continue to feel the shame. I walk out the door, hoping I don't the other boy's mother. I don't want them to know what I just did with their son. I need to get away. I don't want them to know how much I'm hurting their son.
And that's the whole dream. I feel like the boy loves the other guy but doesn't want to. Not because he doesn't want to be gay (though he uses that as an excuse), but because he doesn't want anyone to love him. That was what I was thinking as I walked out the front door. That walking away part, I'm the boy who shoved the other boy away.
I wish I knew why I switched into his role. I wish I knew why I'm often driving in my dreams, why I never get to where I'm going. I wish my dreams would finish. They never finish, not even close.
-sigh-
Anyway, I was listening to the radio this morning in the car. Three songs that I absolutely enjoy were played:
The music video is nothing special, but the song is so damn catchy to me. It's one of the few songs that I do put on repeat. And there are some awesome covers of this song on YouTube too. Listen to HappySlip's cover haha :)
Next one: It's the song of my life. Well, no, not really haha. But it's the song I listen to now when I'm feeling down and doubtful of my awesomeness haha. It gives me hope, I suppose -shrug- It helps me to be delusional, you know? haha XD
Last one: A classic. I think I first heard this song on GTA: Vice City though haha.
Yeah, fun stuff :) Happy music in the morning, good.
Continual complaining in the morning, bad :( I need to wake up earlier, so no one will be awake to bitch about anything -_- Happy mornings, please. Or at least neutral ones.
No sad or angry mornings. Can't deal with that. Ugh.. I want my quiet mornings.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Ahh, brain freeze >_<
That's what happens when you chug a refrigerated bottle of water in under a minute in a warm house. I don't know why it doesn't happen when I eat ice cream though :P
So today, I haven't done much except drive. Went to Enterprise to rent a car with Mother. After we got the car, I spent at least twenty minutes going back and forth between the Avalon and the rented Ford Focus, trying to help Mother figure out how to drive the thing -__- all before we even left the parking lot. We were there so long that the lady who helped us had already walked out of the office with the next customer and exclaimed, "Oh my god..." She looked at us and chuckled XP I should have driven the car, but I'm under 21 so I wasn't allowed according to Enterprise policies.
Anyway, after Mother finally got the mirrors adjusted and whatnot, I drove the Avalon and led her to the auto body shop. Dropped off the Avalon and picked Brother up from work. Then I drove one of his bosses to her home in Sunnyvale, and then we went home.
All this didn't take long, but it felt like it took up most of my day 'cause I don't remember doing anything else today.
Ah, well, actually, I spent a while deleting music files I don't listen to anymore and downloading new ones that I actually listen to XP I deleted about 150 songs and added 50. This makes me feel productive haha.
Mm, remember when I used to do those lyrics and interpretation bulletins on Myspace? haha. I miss doing that. I used to like doing that because, surprisingly, people actually read my bulletins :P and they replied haha.
Eh, I might end up posting lyrics or some shit like that on here just because I don't know what else to post. And I don't like not posting XP Or really, I just don't know what to do with myself at home during break. People need to break me out of the house, yo.
And I dunno. I feel like I just wanna chill with someone and listen to music all day. No talking. Just listening. Feeling the music. But ah, that won't happen.. Oh well.
Anyway, here's a song I just downloaded. It's kinda old. Chuckie A (aka Chuckie Akenz) completely redid his original "Love Hurts" (the one with Kangel), lyrics and all. I actually like this one better. It's less angry(?), more melodious and melancholy haha. I love Chris Charles' chorus. Sad stuff but good -nods-
Hope you enjoyed the song. Maybe I'll share some more of my old faves or something later on. I dunno. Depends on if I feel like sharing :P
So today, I haven't done much except drive. Went to Enterprise to rent a car with Mother. After we got the car, I spent at least twenty minutes going back and forth between the Avalon and the rented Ford Focus, trying to help Mother figure out how to drive the thing -__- all before we even left the parking lot. We were there so long that the lady who helped us had already walked out of the office with the next customer and exclaimed, "Oh my god..." She looked at us and chuckled XP I should have driven the car, but I'm under 21 so I wasn't allowed according to Enterprise policies.
Anyway, after Mother finally got the mirrors adjusted and whatnot, I drove the Avalon and led her to the auto body shop. Dropped off the Avalon and picked Brother up from work. Then I drove one of his bosses to her home in Sunnyvale, and then we went home.
All this didn't take long, but it felt like it took up most of my day 'cause I don't remember doing anything else today.
Ah, well, actually, I spent a while deleting music files I don't listen to anymore and downloading new ones that I actually listen to XP I deleted about 150 songs and added 50. This makes me feel productive haha.
Mm, remember when I used to do those lyrics and interpretation bulletins on Myspace? haha. I miss doing that. I used to like doing that because, surprisingly, people actually read my bulletins :P and they replied haha.
Eh, I might end up posting lyrics or some shit like that on here just because I don't know what else to post. And I don't like not posting XP Or really, I just don't know what to do with myself at home during break. People need to break me out of the house, yo.
And I dunno. I feel like I just wanna chill with someone and listen to music all day. No talking. Just listening. Feeling the music. But ah, that won't happen.. Oh well.
Anyway, here's a song I just downloaded. It's kinda old. Chuckie A (aka Chuckie Akenz) completely redid his original "Love Hurts" (the one with Kangel), lyrics and all. I actually like this one better. It's less angry(?), more melodious and melancholy haha. I love Chris Charles' chorus. Sad stuff but good -nods-
Hope you enjoyed the song. Maybe I'll share some more of my old faves or something later on. I dunno. Depends on if I feel like sharing :P
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