It's in my head. Stop. Stop thinking. Fight it. Stop obsessing. Fight it. Don't give in. Don't give up. This isn't healthy for you. Stop. Let it go. Move on. I always move on. Why am I not moving on? I always get over it. Why am I not getting over it?
This is what happens in my head when I start thinking about too many things before I go to sleep. You know, I often wish that I had the telekinetic power to type up a blog. I always think of everything I want to write about when I'm lying down in bed at night, but I end up forgetting a lot of it the next morning. It saddens me when this happens. I always come up with the catchiest titles then, too -_- Blahh...
I had to wake up at 04h45 this morning to drive D to work because the Cressida broke down in front of my house yesterday haha. Have to pick him up later in the afternoon.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep until probably midnight last night, and it was a dreamless night. I laid in bed, thinking about things. I am soo obsessive. It's pretty bad.
Mm, so when I was going to pick D up, I was pretty happy though tired. It was foggy (though not foggy enough), and there were almost no cars on the streets. I love that. The darkness, fogginess, emptiness. <_<>_> Yes, I'm weird, I know. I like how depressing love songs make me feel. Their songs on this album just feel right, I dunno).
I managed to get an hour of sleep, so I didn't get up before 07h00 :/ Oh well. I had a two-part dream. Though, the two parts did not seem related in any way. And I realize I have quite a few dreams in which I am driving, hm.
Dream: I'm driving a sports car of some sort. Brother is in the passenger seat, and a girl is sitting the backseat. Apparently, I'm giving Brother's friend a ride home. We're headed north on Monterey Road. Before we reach Senter Road, a large group of high-school-aged people with teachers (I recognized Joelle, a dance instructor from SJSU O_o) swarm the street from the hills. They are all walking north as well. It seems that they are walking to Fanime in downtown. I slow down, so that I don't run anyone over.
Then I see someone I know. A girl (Some1) that I want to talk to (in my head: "Why is she here? She isn't supposed to be here. Why didn't she tell me she was here?"). But she's far ahead. I try to speed up a little. But she's moving too fast. She's on some funky looking pair of rollerblades. More like she's floating on orb-like things. They looked futuristic haha. Anyway, I try to catch up to her, but then a group of teens walk directly in front of my car. I have to slow down to 5 mph.
Brother asks why I was speeding up and slowing down so much. I tell him that I want to talk to the friend that's getting away. He tells me to honk the horn, so I can catch up and also so that I can drive his friend home in time. I'm surprised that he doesn't tell me to just run the people over >_> So I press the car horn. I'm surprised that I do that (I don't like honking the car horn at anyone).
The girls turn around in surprise. A guy walking next to my car looks at me in surprise, as if he didn't expect me to honk. But the girls get out of the way. I speed up, but Some1 has gone out of sight. I am sad and slow down again.
Something happens here, and I end up in Brother's room (that's if he had his own room). We're watching a movie or something. Brother and I are talking about something that has to do with gay couples -shrug- Then he asks, "Like those two guys on the screen?" I look at the screen and nod.
Then I'm in the scene with two teen jocks who are kissing each other. I can't describe them, but I feel like I've seen this movie before. Suddenly, after the passionate kiss, one boy shoves the other one away and says, "What the fuck? What are we doing? This is disgusting. This can't happen." Apparently, the boy had thought he was straight, but then the kiss happened. The boy stands there, looking angry. The other guy wipes his lips with the back of his hand but looks at the boy with a sad look in his eyes. The boy says, "I can't do this. I lo... But I can't do this for you. I'm sorry." The boy storms out of the bedroom, angry at himself. I stand there, watching this all play out, not affecting anything as I walk around. The guy whispers slowly, "But you love me..."
I'm walking down the stairs outside the bedroom door. I stare at a little girl in the living room, afraid she will look at me, know what I did, and hate me. I see the boy's father and continue to feel the shame. I walk out the door, hoping I don't the other boy's mother. I don't want them to know what I just did with their son. I need to get away. I don't want them to know how much I'm hurting their son.
And that's the whole dream. I feel like the boy loves the other guy but doesn't want to. Not because he doesn't want to be gay (though he uses that as an excuse), but because he doesn't want anyone to love him. That was what I was thinking as I walked out the front door. That walking away part, I'm the boy who shoved the other boy away.
I wish I knew why I switched into his role. I wish I knew why I'm often driving in my dreams, why I never get to where I'm going. I wish my dreams would finish. They never finish, not even close.
-sigh-
Anyway, I was listening to the radio this morning in the car. Three songs that I absolutely enjoy were played:
The music video is nothing special, but the song is so damn catchy to me. It's one of the few songs that I do put on repeat. And there are some awesome covers of this song on YouTube too. Listen to HappySlip's cover haha :)
Next one: It's the song of my life. Well, no, not really haha. But it's the song I listen to now when I'm feeling down and doubtful of my awesomeness haha. It gives me hope, I suppose -shrug- It helps me to be delusional, you know? haha XD
Last one: A classic. I think I first heard this song on GTA: Vice City though haha.
Yeah, fun stuff :) Happy music in the morning, good.
Continual complaining in the morning, bad :( I need to wake up earlier, so no one will be awake to bitch about anything -_- Happy mornings, please. Or at least neutral ones.
No sad or angry mornings. Can't deal with that. Ugh.. I want my quiet mornings.
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