Well, that's a first.

I've never deleted a whole entry before, but I felt like I was complaining too much in the draft that I was going to post for today. Oh well.

Speaking of first, there are several firsts I'm waiting for haha...

First...

apartment
job
pet
car (my own!)

You know what? I'm not gonna list everything out. I might forget something, and that would irk me to no end. And I'm sure there are other firsts I haven't thought about, and that would probably bother me too.

I just want my first whatevers to be awesome, special, unique, etc etc. Memories, you know? Like, I still remember my first "best friend," my first bike, the first movie I watched in a theater, the first (and only) time I held hands with someone I really cared about.... Also the first time I tried real sushi, my first clubbing experience, my first sleepover, the first real song I ever learned how to play on an instrument haha.

They were all special to me in some way. Not because they were my firsts. Well, maybe partly, but not completely. I dunno. To me, a first means doing something new, different. It's exciting, I guess. I dunno. And, you know, sometimes your first is also your only and your last. I would rather have an "only" or a "last" rather than no firsts. No firsts means you never tried.

I know I never really tried in a lot of things. I'm always afraid. I just need to get past the first part, time, chance, whatever. It's always getting started that's the hard part. So much doubt. Ahh..

Honestly, I just want my firsts to be perfect. Although, I know that's not likely to happen. Maybe that's why I haven't tried in anything. I'm always afraid I'll fail. I am failing.


Do and fail is not failure. Never trying is.

I wish I could use that to motivate myself haha. Alas, I usually don't listen to my own advice.