I hit one of my lowest points yesterday.

I hadn't felt that hopeless and lost in a really long time. I made myself be alone, locked in my room for most of the day, with the wrong intentions. I drank past the point of caution. I didn't care. I knew I was going to get sick, and I still drank more than I knew I should have. And I was tempted to go beyond that. But I couldn't. I stopped. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to die or because I couldn't move anymore.

Afterward, when I could finally move again, I made that feeling of hopelessness and being lost a real one. 9:20 PM. I drove around San Jose with the hopes that it would help me calm down and think. I went up Calaveras, parked at a lookout point, stood in the cold and windy air for an hour, and then drove down Sierra. Then I drove to my mom's house. Then I drove up Bernal to IBM. Next was to turn around and reach the other end of Bernal. And I kept going. I found my way to Quimby somehow and turned right. And I kept going. At the end of Quimby, I turned right and just drove. For 20 miles. It was dark and empty. Lots of twists and turns. Lots of ups and downs. I didn't downshift. I didn't care. I could smell my brakes burning.

After 20 miles, I stopped. I didn't know where I was. Do I keep going, or do I turn around and go home? Do I stay there until the sun comes up? The thought of me dying on this road crossed my mind several times. But I had continued to drive. But at this point, when I finally really stopped my car, I realized I hadn't died. I drove as carefully (and recklessly) as I could. I was still alive. Do I still want to be alive?

I turned my car around and drove. 27 miles later, I'm on Alum Rock, heading toward a place I could fall asleep. I came back to the house I live in. 2:23 AM.

I remember almost everything I did yesterday, but I don't remember half the things I thought. But I know they were ugly thoughts.

I need to reflect on a lot of things and clear my head and conscience. Yesterday was the lowest point I reached in years. I did a lot of stupid and careless things. I didn't reach out to anyone, even though some had offered their love and time. I shut them out. All I saw was the ground, the dirt, and nothing else. I didn't deserve their love and time yesterday.

Strangely, today, I'm looking up. Yesterday's antics... I think I just needed to get a lot of shit out of me. Probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but I already feel a little better. I'm going to feel much better. I will reach out to someone. I will depend on my friends. I will learn how to not shut my loved ones out. I will struggle with this. But I will do my best not to do this to them again.

Is this the first time I've given up on something?

Tuesday night, I quit my job by email. Not how I wanted to quit. Well, I didn't want to quit. But I couldn't handle my stress; I actually ended up crying at work. I felt so pathetic. But I knew I wasn't going to be happy there, and I knew I would always be stressed if they didn't give me some training because I felt like I wasn't catching up where it was necessary. I made so many mistakes, and the only time I would know would be when they told me I did something wrong. They would tell me what was wrong and kinda tell me how to avoid making that mistake.

I was getting the what-to-do's of my job, but I wasn't necessarily understanding the how's. And definitely not the why's. And there really weren't many explanations for my job; it was less show, more tell. Because I didn't understand why I was doing certain things, I didn't always know when I should do them.

They held me responsible for things that I know I should be responsible for, but they had to understand I was still new to the job and I didn't know where everything was yet. Missing or misplaced hard drives and chassis. I didn't touch those particular parts; they had gone missing from Johnny's time in inventory. I know this because I did the physical inventory count on his last day and noted that those particular items were missing. But since he wasn't there anymore, I was responsible; they told me I had to find out what happened to the parts, but I didn't know how I was supposed to find out. If the people who have worked there for years don't know how to find out (and they had done my job before), how I am to know?

I need some guidance because I had zero experience.

The fact that inventory was only partly organized and all over the place made it difficult for me to track and find parts, especially the motherboards and chassis. Give me time to figure where everything is? Please stop moving the parts around without letting me know. But that happened, and I was held responsible when other people moved our parts without my knowledge. At least write it down on the note cards for me, or even just leave me a note on my desk. Why was I solely holding responsibility for the inventory when anyone else could go into inventory and take what they need? I couldn't always be in the inventory rooms. I had many places to be: my desk, main inventory room, second inventory room, third inventory room, Production (which was very large), back of warehouse, and front office.

Mainly I was just overwhelmed by how many responsibilities I had going in. Receiving, scanning, picking, counting, submitting RMAs, returning RMAs, updating information in the RMA software, emailing manufacturers about RMAs, adjusting sales order items, packaging, tracking things down. Because I was new to all of these responsibilities, I should have been eased into some of them. At the least, there should have been some thorough training and maybe a list of what my priorities should have been. I mean, after all, I was expecting to do assembly work because that's where my strongest skills lie; and there's not that much variety in assembly.

I wish I wasn't complaining about the company, but I just didn't fit in that work environment and the work environment didn't fit me. I would rather quit and use my time to find other work that suits me. So I'm hoping everything will work out. I know I could do the job I had, but only with proper training. Please explain to me why I'm doing something; so in the future, when I run into that reason, I know what to do next.

Blah. I felt so pathetic quitting the job, but I'm weaksauce when it comes to stress. Stressors from work and family built up too much. Can't quit family, so gotta quit the job. Haven't told my family. Hoping I won't have to.

I was offered a temp data entry job with Randstad, the same one from December. I just need to resubmit some forms that they'll email me. Hopefully, this job won't fall through this time. Yeah, still $10 an hour, but it's cool; I don't really drive around much. No overtime at Randstad either, I think; though, I don't think this last job paid me for overtime; either that, or they withheld a lot more of my pay than I expected. Anyway, Randstad job is in Mountain View, a mile and a half farther away from home than my old job in Fremont.

I really miss my job in Fremont. I miss my coworkers the most. They treated me like family; it was nice.

I've been applying to jobs on Craigslist and Snagajob nonstop. C'mon, data entry jobs, get back to me.

I just want a job with some training. Good on-the-job training that prepares me well. I mean, I know if I got a job where my mechanical skills came into use, training would be easier. If I get another office job, training might have to be a little more intensive and structured for me because of the multitasking that's involved.

I'm giving myself about two or so weeks to secure a job before I decide my family needs to know I don't have a job. This is so fun.


Oh yeah, Brother went to jail on Tuesday too. I didn't think it would affect me so much, but that thought affected me the whole day. I wasn't expecting it to have such an impact on me because I feel like it didn't really before. Maybe because I see the improvement he's made in his life and the fact that he's going to be a father to a little girl, I have hope that this will be the last time he seriously messes up.

Ah, I'm just a well of emotion this week.

SF Pride and Second week at KSC

Pride was this past weekend. I got to enjoy my Saturday there with Shiva, Mai, Ash, Harrison, and a new friend, Theresa (or is it Teresa?). Basically, we just walked around all day. I think the only times we sat down were on the BART and during dinner at KPOP.

We tried to make the start of the Dyke March, but we just barely missed the Dykes on Bikes. Followed the march all the way to Castro. Met up with Matt, Nick, and their friends for a short bit. Went to dinner, where Harrison joined us. I tried Korean beer. Hite. It was not bad. Tried some soju for the first time too. Not my fave; the alcohol is strong. Afterward, walked to Lexington. I was super tired. Yawning every minute. Ash paid attention and kept pointing it out haha.

I like Pride. But there are so many people... I don't know why I continue to want to come back. So many people. Also, every time I go to Pride, I always say I want to have a partner to go to the next Pride with me. Never happened. Never going to happen >: Haha.

Oh, Karina told me her new coworker went to Pride. The coworker said so many fights broke out at Pride that she and her friends just decided to go home where it was safer. Don't know if the fights were event-related or not. Also, there were straight guys at Pride that were going around calling other guys "faggots" and talking trash about them. Supposedly, someone got in their faces about that. The coworker left before she saw what became of this altercation.

I somehow missed all this negative energy. Kinda glad. But also sad that any of this would be happening at all at Pride. Our safe space is being invaded by idiots.


Anyway, work has been ok. Monday was super tough on me. I was on my own. No Johnny to guide me. However, he had sent an email to all of us with his last messages about work and some advice. It kinda helped me. I was still struggling though. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing when I finished a task. So I spent most of my time sitting at my desk, reading online about the various parts that we buy and the products we sell, educating myself a little.

I think I've pretty much got everything down except the RMA stuff. I never quite know which RMA to do and to which manufacturer I must submit the request. So I've asked a lot of questions. I get quick answers, vague answers, I-don't-know answers, and answers I just don't understand or can't follow. I think it's the language barrier. Chinese as their primary language, English as their secondary or tertiary. So how some coworkers explain things doesn't help me understand the answer. But I can't keep asking because everyone's pretty busy.

So Monday was hard because I felt like I wasn't doing anything right, I wasn't going to do anything right, I couldn't keep up, and I couldn't understand the what, how, or why of my job. It all culminated in me feeling completely inadequate and incompetent. I was on the verge of tears at work because I felt all this pressure to do everything right. So overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility placed on me. I wanted to quit already.

Felt like that all day. Even after work, well into the night. I really wanted to just quit so that the responsibilities wouldn't rest on me anymore. That was my emotional side. My logical side told me that I was just irritable because of the unbearable heat. Home is super hot, and work is super hot. I'm just sweating all day. The only times I'm cool enough are on the drive to and from work and in the shower. Once I step out of my car or bathroom, I immediately start sweating from the heat. And if you know me, you know I don't like hot weather. I can't handle it very well.

So yeah, my logical side guessed that if I had started this job in the winter, I probably wouldn't feel this negatively about everything going on at work. I also reasoned that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've never had this much responsibility for anything, so it should take some getting used to. After all, I had applied to be an assembler, not an inventory clerk or RMA associate. Assembly doesn't require as many responsibilities. So it is understandable that I feel overwhelmed by everything that I have to learn in a short amount of time. With little training. Actually, there's no training. They tell me to do something. If I can't figure it out, I ask people questions until someone shows me or I ask enough questions. Then I make mistakes, and someone corrects me. And I hopefully don't make more of the same mistakes.

I'm getting past my moments of hopelessness and negativity. I'll continue to get past them. I'll get better at it, or they'll just stop coming at me. Either way, I know I can succeed if I persist. Just gotta remind myself of that, and everything will be all right :)

Tuesday was better, and today was definitely better. Work has slowed down a little bit. Or rather it's backed up at the beginning of the day, evens out during the middle, and slows to a snail's pace at the end. I'm slowly starting to make small, casual conversation with a few coworkers. I don't feel too much like an outsider anymore. (They're also hiring more Vietnamese people, so I'm not one of two but one of four haha.)

I had about three hours of down time at the end of my day today. There was nothing to do, and no one needed my assistance. I could have spent three hours just being lazy. But instead, I started typing up the procedural steps to my job responsibilities, at least the ones that I'm somewhat comfortable with. At first, it was just so I could have something to refer to and to use as a reminder. Then I changed my mind and decided to make it so that the next person to do my job will have an outline for everything they need to learn. I wish I had an outline or job handbook or something to help me out. But I don't. And I still don't know everything about my job. So I'm making the outlines from what I know and remember. Receiving, inventory, purchase orders, and sales orders are the easiest to remember, so I typed that all out first. Then storage of CPUs and memory. Next is printing. I'll probably add in shipping. RMA will probably be last because I still don't know it well enough.

I figure that if I can write a decent outline of the responsibilities and tasks, that means I actually know and understand what I'm doing. Hopefully, I won't forget any important details. And it will be something good and useful for the next person. But I would probably have to train the next person. If I don't though, they'll have my notes haha.

Do I feel like I'll stay with this company for a long time? Probably not. I mean my desire to quit is pretty weak now. I'm starting to get things right. But I don't feel like I fit well with the company. Like I said before, the people are nice. But the company itself doesn't mesh with me. Few reasons: no AC--I'm dying in there; no training--I feel quite unprepared for a lot of things; little organization--things feel like they're all over the place.

Oh, and since I'm responsible for inventory, anything that's missing will be my fault. We're missing a few things; or rather my physical count did not match Quickbooks. That's on me, even though this stuff went missing before Johnny left. (I did the count when he was still working.) Meh. I'll argue my case if I have to.

So yeah, that's work. I have lots more to say, but I can't remember anymore and I really should be sleeping...


It's Fourth of July weekend. Four-day weekend! I can rest! So tired. Still need to do chores--laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, etc. Maybe after, I'll do fun things with people. Oh, and finish what I can of the outlines. Hope I can remember everything.

Anyway, huzzah! :P

Well, that's a first.

I've never deleted a whole entry before, but I felt like I was complaining too much in the draft that I was going to post for today. Oh well.

Speaking of first, there are several firsts I'm waiting for haha...

First...

apartment
job
pet
car (my own!)

You know what? I'm not gonna list everything out. I might forget something, and that would irk me to no end. And I'm sure there are other firsts I haven't thought about, and that would probably bother me too.

I just want my first whatevers to be awesome, special, unique, etc etc. Memories, you know? Like, I still remember my first "best friend," my first bike, the first movie I watched in a theater, the first (and only) time I held hands with someone I really cared about.... Also the first time I tried real sushi, my first clubbing experience, my first sleepover, the first real song I ever learned how to play on an instrument haha.

They were all special to me in some way. Not because they were my firsts. Well, maybe partly, but not completely. I dunno. To me, a first means doing something new, different. It's exciting, I guess. I dunno. And, you know, sometimes your first is also your only and your last. I would rather have an "only" or a "last" rather than no firsts. No firsts means you never tried.

I know I never really tried in a lot of things. I'm always afraid. I just need to get past the first part, time, chance, whatever. It's always getting started that's the hard part. So much doubt. Ahh..

Honestly, I just want my firsts to be perfect. Although, I know that's not likely to happen. Maybe that's why I haven't tried in anything. I'm always afraid I'll fail. I am failing.


Do and fail is not failure. Never trying is.

I wish I could use that to motivate myself haha. Alas, I usually don't listen to my own advice.

Damn..

I hate feeling the way I do. I need to stop feeling this way so much.

Canceled plans two days in a row. I planned to hang out at Monterey's house yesterday, but she had too much homework and a dentist appointment. So we were gonna hang out today, but she's not home. Yesterday, it was ok because I rode my bike instead. But today, I don't know what to do. And my thoughts are getting to me..


And I think I might fail my Poli Sci class because I forgot to take the midterm last Thursday. I don't have an excuse. Thursday, my mom yelled at me, and I shut out the world. I don't have an excuse. Damn. I don't want to tell my professor the reason that I didn't take my midterm was because I was angry and distracted. She doesn't need to know that. I wish I had forgotten for a better reason. I don't have a reason to make up the midterm. Even if I told her the reason, I don't have proof. What physical evidence is there of anger and yelling?

I'm going to fail. I don't want to fail. I can't fail. My mom's going to kill me. I can't deal with this. I need to stop thinking. I'm feeling worse and worse with every thought. I wish Spring Break could last another two weeks. I wouldn't have to deal with school just yet. Last forever; I wouldn't have to deal with it at all.