I hit one of my lowest points yesterday.

I hadn't felt that hopeless and lost in a really long time. I made myself be alone, locked in my room for most of the day, with the wrong intentions. I drank past the point of caution. I didn't care. I knew I was going to get sick, and I still drank more than I knew I should have. And I was tempted to go beyond that. But I couldn't. I stopped. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to die or because I couldn't move anymore.

Afterward, when I could finally move again, I made that feeling of hopelessness and being lost a real one. 9:20 PM. I drove around San Jose with the hopes that it would help me calm down and think. I went up Calaveras, parked at a lookout point, stood in the cold and windy air for an hour, and then drove down Sierra. Then I drove to my mom's house. Then I drove up Bernal to IBM. Next was to turn around and reach the other end of Bernal. And I kept going. I found my way to Quimby somehow and turned right. And I kept going. At the end of Quimby, I turned right and just drove. For 20 miles. It was dark and empty. Lots of twists and turns. Lots of ups and downs. I didn't downshift. I didn't care. I could smell my brakes burning.

After 20 miles, I stopped. I didn't know where I was. Do I keep going, or do I turn around and go home? Do I stay there until the sun comes up? The thought of me dying on this road crossed my mind several times. But I had continued to drive. But at this point, when I finally really stopped my car, I realized I hadn't died. I drove as carefully (and recklessly) as I could. I was still alive. Do I still want to be alive?

I turned my car around and drove. 27 miles later, I'm on Alum Rock, heading toward a place I could fall asleep. I came back to the house I live in. 2:23 AM.

I remember almost everything I did yesterday, but I don't remember half the things I thought. But I know they were ugly thoughts.

I need to reflect on a lot of things and clear my head and conscience. Yesterday was the lowest point I reached in years. I did a lot of stupid and careless things. I didn't reach out to anyone, even though some had offered their love and time. I shut them out. All I saw was the ground, the dirt, and nothing else. I didn't deserve their love and time yesterday.

Strangely, today, I'm looking up. Yesterday's antics... I think I just needed to get a lot of shit out of me. Probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but I already feel a little better. I'm going to feel much better. I will reach out to someone. I will depend on my friends. I will learn how to not shut my loved ones out. I will struggle with this. But I will do my best not to do this to them again.

Latent Grief

"We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad." -John Green

Most days, I think my grief over the death of a friend is done. Gone. Finished.

Then it comes back and slams me right in the chest. And I lose my breath. And I can't think about anything other than the pain in my chest and what caused it. I think about how I could have prevented it. If I could have seen it coming, maybe I would have dodged it or at least braced myself for it.

Today, I didn't see it coming. Work was going so well. I was talking to my coworkers. Smiling. Dancing. Having a good start to the day. Then I had time to myself to think. My work gives me a lot of opportunity to stand there and think about other things. So my thoughts wandered.

The airplane with the members of the Smith family that went missing was found this past Friday. Report said they died a quick death. All I could think was, "I can't imagine what it's like to lose my family like that. To wonder for weeks if they're alive or hurt or starving, only to eventually find out they died." But I guess it's good to have that closure. Closure is soothing.

But then all I could think was they (the rest of the family) didn't get to say goodbye. You never get to say goodbye.

And I thought about the folks I never got to say goodbye to. I don't want to say goodbye. I still talk to them occasionally. But most days, I don't think about them. I'm trying to move forward and not cling to the past. But sometimes, I just want to be stuck in those memories. Memories of Earl, Milton, Ton, and Rahul. They passed so recently; yet, my memories of them are already getting fuzzy. I'm afraid I'll forget them. I'm afraid I'll lose them for good.

Some part of me wants to ask them for forgiveness. But I don't know what for. Well, I know I can't do anything to change their deaths. I know I couldn't have done anything to make the past different. But I still wish I could have been better, and maybe things would have turned out differently, better for them.

I know. I know what I'm doing right now. I know what I've been doing all day. And I know I shouldn't. But I'm doing it anyway. I'm making myself feel responsible for something I couldn't control. I can't control life. I can't control others' lives. Fuck though, I wish I could change something.

I have this fear. It's not really a fear. It's really just a thought. A negative one. But Ton and Rahul died. Both members of the original Q&A family. Ton died almost two years ago. Rahul died last year. It's irrational, I know, but I worry there could be a third this year.

I have friends I worry about. But I don't know if I can be the support they need to get through their hard times. It scares me. Because they have so much promise. And so much potential that could go in any direction. I don't know if I could handle another death.

Death is a part of life. I understand that. I accept that. I do. But sometimes, I just want to fight that reality. Beat it back just for a while. Just believe that death doesn't exist; it can't possibly happen. Yet, it's real; it's felt; it's a part of my history now. As I get older, death will write itself more often into my history. I just hope I can handle it. Especially when it comes to those closest to me. I know my parents will die, but I'm hoping that won't happen for at least another thirty years. I'm hoping Brother makes it to his daughter's wedding day haha and maybe even his first grandchild's eighteenth birthday. Shiva and Harrison, you're both making it to at least 80 with me; you promised. Miah, I hope, will live a long, fulfilling, and happy life. If anything were to ever happen to her, I would die inside or go crazy.

There were so many thoughts flying around my head at work today. I couldn't talk to anybody. I felt like an idiot for being so sad at work, for worrying a couple of folks there. I just couldn't stop thinking. Couldn't stop feeling so sad and so angry at life for what it does to people. At myself for feeling any of this, for not being able to just think about something else and be happy.

But I know that, today, I just needed to be sad. I also needed to be alone. Not the best day to be at work. But it's ok. The day has passed. And I'm feeling better now that I've been home alone.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm sure of it.

Rest In Peace, Rahul.

Today, (technically yesterday now) after work, I found out from Shiva that a past friend from college committed suicide. I logged onto Facebook to see if there was anything else. It happened a few weeks ago. The handful of people that posted about Rahul's death all mentioned that they had a serious falling out with him years ago and regret or don't regret the events that took place between them. That's really all I know. And I probably won't hear anything else about it.

My initial reaction was shock, obviously. My brain refused to process it. My face started making that awkward smile that creeps up when my brain wants to be in disbelief. And when I couldn't fight it anymore, the sadness and tears came. The remorse too. But the remorse came slowly. Shiva even advised me about that before it ever occurred to me that I felt remorse. Even though I felt shock, I wasn't surprised. I don't think anyone was really surprised to hear the news.

We knew he was dealing with a lot of issues. We knew he was depressed. We knew he was angry. Many of us wrote him off as hateful and abrasive. He started ignoring us, cutting us off from his life. We didn't fight to stay in his life. I hadn't held a conversation with him for at least two years.

He was a good friend to me during the period that we still considered each other friends. He listened, and he gave me advice and pep talks. I did the same for him. We had fun together. He once told me that I was a good person, a good friend, someone who deserved the life she was granted. That meant a hell of a lot to me because he never really seemed to trust or believe in anybody.

This is where the remorse comes in: I should have tried harder with Rahul to be his friend. I knew he did listen to me at one point, for a while. But when he started cutting everyone I knew out of his life, I didn't bother to try to be there for him. I wrote him off too, based off of what everyone else said about the things he did to people. I didn't approve of the things he did, but he never did any of that to me. Now, I wonder if I could have at least made a tiny, positive difference in his life, if I had tried just a little bit.

A part of me just thought or maybe hoped that, one of these days, our paths would cross again, and we could pick up where we left off. And now he's left us, so that chance meeting isn't going to happen in this lifetime.

I know I'll eventually reconcile the remorse, but the weight of knowing that he's not here, that he felt so alone, feels like it's pressing down on me, reminding me that I could have done better. But I know Shiva and Vivi are right: We aren't the people we were when we knew him. We didn't know enough to help him then. If we had the knowledge and experiences we have today, we may have been able to help him and support him. We have to accept that the people we were then weren't ready or able to handle the issues that came up. Now, we can learn from it and hopefully be ready and able.

Sometimes, I just wish I was perfect. Perfect at reading people, interacting with them, helping them, making their lives better or at least much more bearable. But the best I can do is to try. I hope that it's enough.


In lighter news, I logged onto Facebook for the first time in about a year. I've been meaning to log in the past three weeks but just forgot or didn't feel like it. Rahul's death gave me a reason to log in. I stayed on and looked around. Read a few messages that I've missed. Looked at the friend requests. Looked at photos I've been tagged in. Kat uploaded three photos of me with my first fauxhawk haha. I miss that fauxhawk.

Last thing I did on Facebook was to send a long message to Tina, apologizing for how immaturely I handled our issues and ended our friendship and hoping for new bridges. One of the main reasons I've wanted to get onto Facebook was to contact her. I feel like I've taken enough time to grow up and learn how to better deal with conflict and negative emotions. I suppose some people would say it's better to leave burnt bridges alone, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm too hopeful for that. I've improved myself over the past year, and I'm in a relatively better place. No better time to build a new bridge.

Tina seems to be doing better too from what I can see on her Facebook. Her old one was deleted, I guess, and she created a new one. She seems to be in a relationship. I'm hoping we've both grown enough to be able to be friends again. Of course, I won't hold it against her if she chooses to not accept my offer. I understand when people move on. I just don't want to lose any opportunities.


Anyway, yeah, this is all I can really remember from this day. I'm glad it's the weekend and I don't have any plans. I can stay home, process things, and move along.

Life goes on, yeah? And we go on with it.

RIP Milton Lopez

I just found out another one of my best friends from my childhood passed away back in July 2012 ): He was 93 and diabetic; so I knew it would happen, but it still hurts a little. He was another friend that I had been meaning to see again after so many years. Another friend that I didn't get to talk to one last time.

For the past two years, Mother and I had been constantly reminding each other that we need to find his address and go visit him sometime. But today, she found out from a former neighbor of ours that Milton passed. That neighbor didn't even find out until recently as well.

I just feel really sad now. I've been wanting to talk to him again. There's not even a grave for me to visit because he was cremated.

I think I was still in high school the last time I saw him. And he still had both of his legs. Mother told me he lost his legs a few years ago because of the diabetes. She had visited him two or three years ago, and he had asked her to bring Brother and me with her the next time she came to visit. Except Mother lost his address, so we had to postpone the visit until we ran into a friend who would know his address. But we never ran into anyone who did.


Milton, you were a wonderful, loving person. Very thoughtful, very generous. I wish I could have gotten one more hug from you. Rest in peace, Milton. I love you, and I'll always remember and appreciate the things you did for my family.


I know people come and go for many different reasons, but it never gets easier to let people go. And it just makes me think that eventually we have to let go of everyone in our lives because everyone dies. I don't want to lose anyone. I just wanna grab hold and hang on.

Life goes on, and you go on with it.


Oh man, all the sadness and frustration ;-; I can't handle this.

I want to be a good friend.

I always offer my time and my shoulders to my friends. I always want to be there for them.

Some friends take what is offered. Some don't. Some take and don't even acknowledge it. Some pretend to acknowledge but overlook the good that is offered.

I suppose I can't be a good friend to everyone. Is it wrong that I do not wish to be there for and support someone who seems to overlook my friendship? I feel like I should be the "bigger" person and just be there, even though it tears at me that I'm there but they don't see it that way. They feel "forever alone." I was there. But now I don't really want to be. But I still am.

And it just hurts to be there and to feel like I can't make any difference in their life. Because I know I can't. I can only say what's on my mind. I can't change someone else's life. So I've learned to just listen, to be present, and to offer what I can offer. Still, it feels like what I do doesn't do anything. They won't take the steps to change, and I haven't been able to convince them. They're content in their misery. They're content to wallow. No matter how many words of encouragement I try to give, they won't try to help themselves. They just stay in the rut that they've made a home of.

I know what it's like to be in a place like that. I was there for the longest time. Sometimes, I feel tempted to go back. But I have friends and myself to keep me up and keep me from going back to that. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm trying to change the way I think and live. My friends have been able to make similar changes in their own lives. Their presence in my life is part of my motivation for my self-improvement.

Anyone who reminds me of where I used to be... I can empathize. That's why I do want to be there for them. I just don't think I have the patience to continue to stick around and feel useless in helping them get through tough times. I'm tired of walking on eggshells when what I have to say is something that they already know but don't want to hear.

This is how I see this friend... That's why I don't think I could be a good friend to them.

I dunno. I feel petty for thinking like this.

-sigh- Taking things in stride. Or trying to. I don't know how I'm doing.


In random news, I'm getting new glasses soon. Or rather just new (transition) lenses but in Shiva's old frames, which are new to me :P Yay, Costco. Saving money where I can. Except I don't think I saved that much -_- But yeah, should be getting them next week or the week after. Hopefully next week :)
 

More random news, my mom and I recently figured out that we used to know Vivi's aunt when I was a child. What a small world... Life is so full of possibilities, but we receive and take few chances. Or so it seems. Maybe we just miss the chances we wish we could have somehow seen first. A missed reconnection for Vivi's aunt and my mom. So close, yet so far...

But next week, we'll reconnect with her when we visit her at Oak Hill with flowers and apples. Buddhist ritual? I guess so.


I've noticed something about this year. I've had a lot of friends call me while crying. I mean I know it's not unusual to get those calls, but I feel like there have been so many (for me) in the past eight months. I just couldn't help but notice. A part of me feels good that my friends feel like they can turn to me in moments of such sadness and pain. But another part of me feels sad that my friends go through so much at all.

I wish I could be as strong as them. To have the strength to trust someone else during a time of vulnerability. I confide in my friends but only when the opportunity is presented or offered. I've never called a friend, not even Shiva, in any of my dark moments. I've never sought a friend when I knew I needed one. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to seek out a good friend when I need one most.

What do you think that says about me?

Achievable Goals to Reach in Two Years

I have a lot of things I want to do by the time I'm 24 that I couldn't do in the past four years. You know, after I get a job or two and save enough money.

Moving out; paying for my own rent, food, and gas; Electric Daisy Carnival; Warped Tour; road trip; camping; and much, much more.

I've wanted to move out since I was 17. At times, being home feels like being imprisoned. I'm at the mercy of Mother's moods. I can't step outside my house without fear of admonishment unless I had asked for permission beforehand. I need to get away from that. I've only recently started to "inform" Mother of events I go to, instead of asking. Sometimes, it's ok; other times, I deal with hours of disparaging comments before she lets me go. That's if she lets me go. I'm 21 now, closing in on 22 in less than five months. I am still a child in this family. The only time I am treated as an adult is when I'm being held responsible for my childish actions, such as staying out too late. Even then, I'm not really an adult; I'm a child who knows no better and should listen to her mother because mother knows best. Mother does not know best. Mother does not know her daughter. This daughter needs to move out and live independently. I need to do things for myself, instead of waiting for someone else to tell me if it's ok to do it. I'm trying to rehabilitate my autonomy; it was damaged sometime in my youth, maybe around fifth or sixth grade haha. Moving out on my own would be a sort of catharsis, or I feel like it would be. Just a large stepping stone that I've been afraid to approach.

As part of being an adult, I would like to pay for my own things. I don't like that my family still pays for everything. I haven't earned any of the things that I own or consume. I didn't want my car because I wasn't the one paying for it. But I will have to settle for paying back my family for all the material things that they've gotten for me. Before I can do that though, I do need to earn enough to save first and then repay later. I want to be responsible for as much as I can be responsible for. I will not depend on my family for sustenance. When I can take care of myself, I don't want to have to fall back on my family in times of need. I'm not putting him down, but I don't want to be like Brother. I will not drain my family of resources because of my shortcomings. I will be responsible for me and my life.

EDC has been a goal since I had heard of it a couple of years ago. Brother was supposed to go, but things didn't work out for him. We wanted to go this year, but again things didn't work out. But he and I are aiming for next year. And this plan has potential as long as I can find some work and gradually save. I'd have to save at least five hundred dollars, depending on how we plan out the trip. This is one of my bigger and more highly anticipated goals because I've never left California, and EDC will be in Las Vegas :) So it's a very exciting prospect.

Same with Warped Tour. I've been wanting to go since middle school haha. It's been many years of wanting. This is more achievable than EDC since the event costs less than a hundred dollars.

Thinking over these last two goals, I would be fine if I never went to these. I'm not a fan of being surrounded by a lot of people. And I don't need to enjoy live music. However, if these things are achievable and I can enjoy them with people I love, I will do it. I've been told I need to live a little. I do that in my own, small ways. But once in a while, spicing it up with huge events wouldn't be so bad.

I'd like to go on a road trip. Again, this is another adventure I've wanted to go on for years. Probably since high school when I was learning how to drive. I still just want to go on a Destination Anywhere type of road trip. Though, if my friends have destinations they want to go to, I'm all for it too. I personally just want to go somewhere. I just want to drive and enjoy the drive. This will happen. It may or may not happen before I'm 24, but I won't rule it out.

Camping... Ah, camping. I've never really been on a camping trip. There was the sixth grade trip, but I hardly remember it and I probably wouldn't consider it camping if I did remember. I'd like to enjoy nature and just be away from the masses. I'd also like to improve my survival skills haha.

Now that I've finished college, I really want to do something for myself instead of my family. School was for my family. I've done that. Work was supposed to be for my family too. However, like I said, I'm rehabilitating my autonomy. This means I need to start living for myself. Not keeping myself alive for my family or my friends. I will do things for myself, for my life, for my happiness (too). Work, when I find it, will be for me.

I feel selfish for saying any of this. For saying what I want. But I've been talking to friends, and I'm realizing I need to be considerate for myself as much as I am for other people. This is what I know. My mind still wants to reject the idea that I can and should live for myself. I fight this urge to reject every day. And every day, I feel like I'm winning a battle. Of course, I have my days where I'm completely obliterated by my pessimism. But there's a lot of things I need to fight and change. With some encouragement, I'm sure eventually my natural optimism will win over my learned pessimism.

I'm making changes in my life. Ones that I never thought I could make. I'm making them now. I used to always think it was too late to improve my life, that I would always be stuck. Or if I did, I'd be another Hollywood movie in real life, where someone else inspires me and mentors me through my challenges and there would be people watching. But it's not like that. My life is my movie. I'm the only one directing and watching it from beginning to end. There might be friends who watch parts of my movie and have roles in it, but they've got their own movies to direct and star in as well.

There's so much I could say right now, but ah there goes that memory of mine, forgetting thoughts and words.

I'm feeling good. I'm not feeling great. I have yet to get there. But I'm at a point where my life doesn't feel so hopeless. It's still a little hopeless sometimes, but I'm getting better at handling it. I feel less and less alone every day that I spend time alone. I'm feeling happier with myself, even though I still have some anger and hate directed toward myself. Like I said, I'm making changes. I'm also less dependent on others to provide my happiness. It's funny how that's working. I should have taken some time to get to know myself better a long time ago.

Better late than never, as the saying goes.

I'm an SJSU alum now

Rainbow Grad was Wednesday, May 23rd.
Sociology Graduation was Thursday, May 24th.
University Commencement was Saturday, May 26th.

Mother and Brother came to the Soci Grad. Brother and his girlfriend, Karina, were supposed to go to the main graduation, but they didn't make it.

I really only wanted to go to Rainbow Grad. I went to the other two because Brother convinced me that my family wanted to attend my graduation. Really, I think he was the only one who wanted to go.

Anyway, the graduations were fun--I was decked out in a lot of rainbow for the main graduation; my queerness could be seen from all corners of Spartan Stadium hahaha. This past week has been fun and exciting, but it's also had its share of anger, pessimism, and tears. It's an interesting start to my post-grad life.

I don't know how I feel. My level of excitement has been fluctuating crazily over the past few weeks. By the time graduation ceremonies started happening, I was neutral. But being surrounded by amazing friends helps alleviate the neutrality and the lows I've been experiencing.

I've been going out pretty much every day, being around many friends and just enjoying myself. I just wanted to chill with my friends before life gets busy for everyone and they all move away or something.

I watched the Avengers last Monday, took my last final last Tuesday night, attended the graduations on Wednesday and Thursday, attended Fanime for the first time on Friday, sat through Commencement on Saturday with Vivi, and cleaned out my room and hung out with my friend, Tina, yesterday.

Now the week of celebrating is over, which is fine. I still don't like going out every day. Though, I do plan to go dancing again this Friday at Fuz with Matt and Vivi. I need more stress relief.

Anyway, yeah, I'm a graduate. It's crazy. I didn't think I was gonna do it. But I did it. My family's proud and happy. So that's good.

I'm continuing my job search. I may consider using a temp agency to find work. It may come to that. That's ok. I'm not that picky. I could do anything now. I don't have a plan. I'm just going where life takes me until I figure out what I want.

I'm taking a lot of time to figure out what I want. Figuring out a lot of things. Who I am. Who I want to be. Where I want to go. How I'm going to get there. Why I'm doing what I do. If I know what I'm doing. Just a lot of things to think about and to do something about. I'm making progress, I think.

I know I'm dependent on people. I don't know how to think for myself. Or I do, but I don't act on it very well. I'm trying to become self-reliant and do things for myself and not just for others. Getting a job would help. But that's just one part of my life.

Socially, I need to buck up and be me. Know who I am when I'm with people because I know I'm different then from who I am when I'm alone. Slowly but surely, these people that I become will be one person. My friends are starting to see me as what I am. I think they are. I'm showing them more. It's terrifying, but I know it will be rewarding. I know I need to talk to them more because talking helps. I'm making progress. Sometimes, I regress, and I don't talk about things I should. Again, I'm working on it.

I've been thinking about careers. But I know I need more time to figure that out. Right now, I'm good with doing any job. I just need something to keep me busy, to give me some sort of direction, even if it's just bagging groceries or stocking shelves.

School used to be an expectation. Now that it's done, and I know I'm not going to grad school, I don't really know what to do. So a job is what I'm thinking about now. Typical.


Blah. I'm done with school. I feel like I'm in limbo -sigh- Things will work themselves out, as long as I don't give up, yeah? Yeah.

Oh yeah, btw, I have a car now. It feels nice to be able to get myself to places. Next couple of steps... get a job so that I can pay for my own gas; save money; move out; live life how I want to live. Sounds good.


My breakdown in high school... They think it was about me not getting a car. Really? I'd think they should know me well enough. That might have sparked some of my anger, but there was so much else going on. Whatever. They don't need to know.


So I just learned that the mother of a recent Independence High School graduate just died last Thursday. I don't know the family, but it's a small (Vietnamese) world. I have friends who knew the student. Is it just me, or am I hearing about a lot of death lately? Been hearing more about the deaths of Vietnamese people in the news. Or maybe it's a dramatization in my brain. Just a lot of death. Anyway, to anyone who's lost a loved one, we'll survive and we'll carry their memories with us. To those who've passed, rest in peace.

Death is inevitable. Do we ignore it? Fight it? Embrace it? What can we do?


Oh, this got depressing really fast. I should stop.

If I Die Young...

Or if I die old too...

I don't want to be buried.

I don't need to be remembered. But if you remember me, that's nice.

I don't want you to grieve. I want you to laugh and smile. We should cherish the moments we share, not mourn the loss of what-if's and could-have-been's. If you cry, you cry. But I'd hope you know that I won't be crying over my death. If anything, I'd be crying because you were crying haha. Cry, laugh, smile, yell, break things. Do what you gotta do. Just know I love you just the same.

I don't want you to wear formal clothing to my funeral. You should wear whatever makes you comfortable in my presence. If I become a spirit, I wanna be among my friends as you are. I don't want you to change yourselves because custom says you're supposed to. I want you to be yourselves like how you always are when you're around me.

I don't want to be dressed up in a nice outfit for everyone to see me as what I am not. I would like to be dressed in a comfortable pair of jeans, a nice T-shirt, and my favorite hoodie. Maybe my Fierce Nice Hat will be buried with me too haha. Nah, I'd hope someone would keep that. A hat is made to be worn.

To be honest, I don't want formalities. If we could get rid of those, that would be great.


I don't really know what I want. I had the words, but now I've lost them -sigh-

Ineffable.

And I can't fucking tell if I'm fucking hurting or not.

My friend, Ton W, passed away last Tuesday night, April 17. Only five days ago. Don't know how he died. Found out Wednesday evening. Went through Wednesday thinking I was gonna see him Thursday night at the drag show. Felt like I was lied to. Spent Wednesday night, fighting wakefulness and all these thoughts that wouldn't stop repeating themselves. Had to surround myself with people to keep my brain from doing that. But that could only last so long.

I can't fucking put into words what I'm feeling.

I've never really had to grieve for anyone. There was Earl. His death hurt, but it was easier to accept because he was fighting cancer. Ton's death, on the other hand, was so unexpected. And I can't deal with it. I thought I was dealing with it just fine. I cried like crazy Wednesday night to Thursday night during the drag show. Then I couldn't cry anymore. I thought I was done. I haven't had the urge to cry for two days. But then today, I've been sitting on a bench on campus (still am as I type this), doing homework. Lost my focus, went on Facebook, and somehow found myself looking at Ton's page. I can feel the tears wanting to come out again, but this time they're not coming out. I have that heavy feeling in my chest again, and it's not relieving itself. I don't know how to get it out.

A part of me is scared that his death was a suicide. I know I shouldn't make any assumptions. I've talked to some friends about this. I can't help but wonder. I talked to him on Tuesday. He saw me in the Student Union working on my paper. He stopped by to talk to me for about ten minutes. It had been a while since I'd last seen him and I was glad to talk to him.

This may just be hindsight bias, but I could feel that something was not right when I hugged him. He didn't really hug me back. He put his arms around me, but I couldn't feel the hugs. And I always feel his hugs. I loved his teddy bear hugs. I should have figured out that something was up. I should have kept talking to him. Maybe it would have made a difference somehow.

But he talked about going to the drag show and hanging out with everyone. He talked about being glad that the semester was almost over. He talked about going to the Cherry Blosson Festival this weekend.

I dunno what I'm feeling. Ton's no longer around. He's dead. I can't tell if I've accepted his death or not. I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. I can't tell if I'm angry, frustrated, depressed, numb, or anything else. But I know I'm feeling something. Maybe it's everything that I'm feeling.

I'm hoping that his death was natural. I feel stupid for saying this, but if his death was a suicide, I would hate myself. I don't want to feel guilty. I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it. I talked to him hours before he died. That makes me feel like I could have done something, instead of ignoring the nagging feeling that something was wrong.


I thought blogging or getting these words out would help me feel a little better. But I don't feel better. I'm still stuck at ineffable.


We continued on with the drag show with a tribute to Ton. There was no stopping the tears that came with seeing his photos on the screen on the stage. I couldn't look at them before the start of the show. But when the show started and Chara started playing her song, I couldn't look away from Ton's face on the screen.

Ahh... The rest of the show went on as planned. I barely remember it. Not as amazing as the previous drag shows I went to. I can't tell if that's because the performances weren't up to par or because of Ton's death.


Ugh. This isn't helping me. I don't know what to do. I can't really talk about this. I did, and I was ok. Then I'm no longer ok. And I feel like talking about it won't help me anymore. I can't even think of what to say. My feelings are just those: feelings, not words. They won't leave my brain. I just can't think. All I'm doing is feeling. Why can't I think? Fuck. I can't think about anything. I can't focus on this paper that I was supposed to finish by today. It probably won't be finished by next weekend either. My brain won't think. All it thinks is "Why are you dead? Why aren't you here anymore? Why are you gone? Why?"

What should I do? I don't want to talk, but I feel like things are getting heavier and I can't carry shit.

I just need sleep. A nice, long sleep. When I wake up, I'll feel better. But I can't sleep. I'm not sleeping well. I don't have dreams or anything. But I don't feel like I sleep at all.


Ahhhhh!! I can't fucking take this right now. I just wanna cry this all out again, but I can't. What can I do, but just wait for it to pass? That's what I'll do, I guess. I hope it passes soon.



Rest in peace, Ton. We all love and miss you.

Crazy End of Spring 2011

The past couple of weeks have been crazy. Except I can't remember that many details. As usual. I'll try to remember as much as I can...

Throughout May: SPSS Research Report for Quantitative Research Methods. Interview project for Qualitative Research Methods. Ten-page paper for Social Change. Team paper for Computer, Ethics, and Society (not done yet; but my team will hopefully turn it in tonight). I had finals last Monday, Thursday, and Friday. Online final for Philosophy, which I completed on Sunday. Brother got a job in Santana Row, yay! I've been applying to jobs online. I suppose I should eventually go directly to stores and apply. Meh.

May 10: School shooting. It actually happened in the Tenth Street Garage. Found out two days later kinda what happened and who was involved. 25-year-old Filipino female and 26-year-old Caucasian male found shot to death in a car on the fifth floor. They were both graduating seniors, majoring in accounting. 54-year-old Filipino male found bleeding from self-inflicted gunshot wound elsewhere in the garage. He was married to the female in the car. He was also the gunman. No other details have really been revealed except for their names and relationships.

May 12: The second Zombie Apocalypse. Four Marine ROTC guys started the game as the original zombies. The game wasn't as exciting as the first one because not that many people participated. Getting ready for finals, you know. Supposedly, more people survived this time.
Shiva and I survived till about 13h20. We were walking along the side of the Event Center with Cathy and Rahul (a zombie, but he promised not to tag us). Then we noticed four zombies walking toward us, still somewhat far away. Panic set in. Shiva and I turned to run away. Sadly, the zombies saw us and started chasing us. Shiva tried to run toward the Health Center, but the door she tried to open was locked. So she was tagged. I ran further, but the wind blew my hat off. So I ran back for it. Tried to get into the Art Building, but a zombie got me ;-; Did not get to chase any humans. All the humans I saw were either too far away or were already about to get tagged by a horde of zombies or something. Sadness.

May 19: Free test materials. I got a small stack of large blue books and scantrons XD I got them with the intention of handing out extras to my classmates who forgot theirs. But I realize I can have my own personal stack without paying for them. Wish I had gotten more when I could though haha.

May 20: My SOCI 116 (Global Society) final. Before that though, I was talking to my friend Evan L for a while, as we stared at and watched incoming freshmen/transfer students go through their Freshmen Orientation. Good talk about being different, being yourself, and having an open mind. After talking to him, I went to Shiva's classroom, where she had finished taking her Sexualities final. Two other students were still there. Prof Rokni (also my Social Change prof) was arguing with one of the other students. He was a 6'4", black male student--he described himself. He accused Rokni of looking through his backpack when he left the room (earlier in the semester) and being prejudiced against him, implying that she was racist. For the final, she had moved him from the back of the room to the front, which is what she often does to her students.
Very heated argument with him accusing her of being "one of those people" who make his education difficult and her repeating "I don't even know who you are. I don't know your name. How can I be prejudiced against you?" I think her point was that she couldn't screw with his grade even if she tried because she didn't recognize him nor did she know his name. And he said he had gotten an A on his midterm, which is proof that she wasn't out to get him or screw with his goal of education. I dunno where this argument was going, but it's the first time any of my profs/teachers have ever been accused of being racist. First time I've ever really seen anyone pull the race card at SJSU for sure.

May 21: The fated Rapture did not happen. I even checked the news to see if New Zealand had been struck by a crazy big earthquake. It had not. I'm so disappointed <_< We're all still alive, yay. But wait, the preacher who predicted the Rapture has maintained that October 21 will definitely be the end of days o_o ...

May 23: ST Graduation. I didn't see it. But I stopped by in the alleyway next to the Event Center to look for Brian P and Kristen P. Ahh, I can't believe they graduated XD Oh, I still see them as freshmen haha. Brian told me their graduating class was small (only 40% of the original class or something). I congratulated them and gave hugs. Promised Kristen we would hang out this summer and catch up. Brian's gonna be going to UC Merced, and Kristen's going to UC Davis. It's crazy, but I gotta start thinking of them as adults now haha XD It was good seeing them though. It's been a looong time.
Oh, I saw Madame as I was walking toward the graduates, but she disappeared into the sea of blue. I didn't really feel like wading through the crowd to find her. I'll make sure to visit her in the next school year.

May 24: Andrew Hill Graduation. Tried to find and even call Nancy T. But apparently, she hadn't arrived yet. Promised to get caught up with her this summer as well.

So I've slept over at Shiva's a couple of times this past week or so (like four times or something). Shiva had a couple of all-nighters. I feel bad. I should have been better at encouraging her to get her work done sooner -_- I have failed you, Shiva.

Oh, she had a Kendo tournament on Sunday at Leigh HS. And a memorhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifial afterward for Hazard Sensei, who pretty much led the way for Kendo here in California and stuff. I met him once, but I didn't actually talk to him. But he sounded like a good person and maybe somewhat silly at times haha. May he rest in peace.

So I just got a Facebook invite, but it's not to an event. It seems that an SJSU student has gone missing since yesterday.
Missing: Marlon Hoang

Seems like quite a bit of bad/sad things keep happening around here.

Brother has had some troubles lately. I'm not sharing many details about this because I'm still confused as to what happened. He recently got a new girlfriend. It's only been a few weeks. Thought she was good for him, but she really wasn't. Lies, arguments, violence, police, etc etc. At least that's what I've heard from Mother. Who knows what else will unfold? I just hope Brother did not put himself or our family in more danger.

In somewhat happier news, Shiva is graduating and leaving me behind. She'll be having four different graduation ceremonies XD Two on Thursday and two on Saturday. I'll be going to all four hopefully haha. And we're gonna celebrate her graduation sometime this weekend as well :) I say "somewhat happier" because Shiva doesn't want to graduate XP She doesn't want to leave San Jose/SJSU. Really, she just doesn't want to leave me >_> hahaha jkjk :P But really, she's leaving next Tuesday. It makes me really sad.. I hope she gets a job around here, so that she'll come back to SJ :3


I know there's a lot of things from this past month that I don't recall right now. I don't really know what else to say. Uhh, I'm happy school is finally over--last day of classes was last Tuesday--, and I don't have to really stress over any assignments for the next few months. Grades will come out in like a week or two, I think. I'm also just trying to keep my cool; I think I'm doing a pretty darn good job at it. I hope I can get a job for this summer. I need work experience and an excuse to not be home.

I also want to hang out with people this summer. So far as I know, I may be going to SoCal again this summer to visit Shiva. I've only told two or three people I'd hang out with them this summer,and I look forward to hanging out with them, especially the ones I haven't seen in a while. Some people that I want to hang out with will not be back in SJ all or most of the summer sadly.


I dunno if I'll be updating my blog more this summer. I might have more free time if I don't get a job. But I'll also not be going out too often if Shiva's not here, I think XD
I'm gonna be sorting through all my stuff in the next week or so. Must get rid of junk. Must organize room. Must clean. Also: Must read. Must rest. Must register for classes.
I already have a tentative class schedule for the Fall, yay. Been eliminating class choices the past three or so weeks. Narrowed down to six. I plan to take five, since I feel like I won't have much to do next semester. Yay for senior status; my registration appointment is June 8 at 7h00, which is exactly twenty-four hours after Advanced Registration opens :) And I dunno if it's an error, but it seems I can sign up for eighteen units during Advanced Registration. No fourteen-unit cap? We'll see what happens when I register.


My tentative Fall 2011 classes:

Monday/Wednesday
1030-1145 JS 136 Family and Community Violence -- Lowell
1200-1315 PHIL 155 Philosophy of Law -- Manning
1330-1445 PHIL 132 Ethical Theory -- Vaidya

Tuesday/Thursday
0900-1015 SOCI 181B Sociology Career Capstone -- Ng
1200-1315 PHYS 123 Physics of Animation -- [Staff]
1330-1445 SOCI 156 Gangs & Mobs -- Dexheimer

The two Philosophy and the two Sociology classes are the four classes I know I want or need to take. My fifth class, if I decide to take a fifth, will probably be PHYS 123.
If I get this schedule, then I'll only have three classes left that I need to take next Spring: two sociology classes and an Area S class. It would leave an extra elective that I can take for fun during my last semester.
I hope this works out.


Anyway, yeah, that's what's on my mind. Other than the want for sleep and a few other things :P

Role Conflicts and Defining Moments?

I've been so sad. No minutes on my phone until the 19th, except for nights, weekends, and mobile-to-mobile T-T The last minute was used on like the 4th haha.

Anyway, this past weekend has been full of ups and downs. Mostly ups. Or at least I focused on the ups as best I could.

Friday, the plan had been to go eat a late dinner and karaoke with Kat, Ariane, Andrew, and Shiva. Though, I wasn't able to tell Shiva that dinner had been pushed back from 17h30 to 21h00, until she came back from Santa Cruz and could use her cell phone; so she didn't eat anything after noon, thinking that dinner would be at 17h30. Other than that, there were no hitches as of 16h00. Mother had been ok with my plan. Everything was supposed to work out fine.

Then there was a minor hitch with rides. Shiva couldn't be picked up from campus as I had originally thought. The suggestion was that she should light rail to south San Jose, and Ariane would drive all of us to Santa Clara for dinner and karaoke. But Shiva hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before; though she took a nap, neither Shiva nor I wanted her going on the light rail. So I figured I could borrow Mother's car and drive Shiva back to my house; maybe I could even drive her to dinner. I called Mother to ask, and she said it was ok. I just had to wait for her to come home.

Things were looking good. Then Mother came home. I asked her about the car, and she got annoyed, mad at me for going to dinner and karaoke so late. I don't know why; I've done it before with pretty much the same people, and she was fine with it then. And she also knew that dinner was going to be late. I don't know why she got mad at me. Then she said she would drive me to pick up Shiva, instead of letting me drive. "You shouldn't drive at night. You'll crash!" Why are we back to this? -_- I've driven at night before.

Mother also wanted to go to Costco after picking up Shiva. But I realized, at that point in time, if she drove to campus, then back home, and then to Costco, it would have wasted gas and she might not have gotten to Costco by the time it closed. And just saying, in my house, Mother wanting to go to Costco is just as important as me wanting to go out with my friends.

I told Shiva about how the whole driving thing seemed to be working out. She didn't want to inconvenience my friends or Mother, so she offered to not join my friends and me D: I couldn't have that, especially if she hadn't eaten because she had planned to eat with us. She had things to tell me, but she insisted it was fine if I went with my friends. We kinda talked it out. I figured I only had a few options, none of which I really liked: I get Mother to drive, we'll waste gas, and she probably won't get to Costco; I eat with friends, and Shiva does not join us; or I eat with Shiva, and I won't see my friends. Or I could have stayed home and not see anyone. But that last one, I really didn't like.

A few other personal issues came up, that I had to take into consideration. And Mother was not getting any happier by the minute >_<

So I decided I would go eat with my friends and see Shiva the next day.

But my decision bothered me. I started thinking:
If Shiva's not coming with me, none of her roommates are home, and she doesn't have any food in the apartment, then she'll eat alone ): My friends, on the other hand, will still have each other to eat with, if I don't go. But I realize I've been the one telling Kat that we should hang out >_< But Shiva hasn't eaten anything for more than six hours because of me.

I changed my mind. I was going to see Shiva. I care about my friends, and I want to hang out with them. But Shiva's going to be alone. Even though she said she would be ok, I was worried anyway. I wanted to see her Friday to make sure she was all right and to see if her retreat had been good because she had been worried about it before.

So yeah, I changed my mind. Mother was happy. I wasn't going out of the city. I wasn't going to come home after midnight. I was gonna be somewhere safe, somewhere I've gone often. She had preferred that I sleep over at Shiva's on campus rather than go to another city to eat and sing. It made Mother happier, and it also meant I wouldn't come home and disturb her sleep because she has a difficult time getting to sleep late. And I can't get into the house without waking her up because she uses the door latch at night -_- Anyway, yeah. She rushed me out of the house as soon as I said, "I'll go to campus and stay there, so you won't have to drive back and forth twice."

On the drive to campus, I texted Kat and Ariane, telling them that Shiva and I weren't going anymore. Tried to explain why in 160 characters or less, which wasn't easy. Ariane seemed frustrated or angry in her replies >_< She said that it would be ok to drive Shiva if we pitched in gas money, but at this point I was already at campus and lost the mood to karaoke. Kat offered to switch from singing karaoke to watching a movie in theaters in San Jose. Shiva and I were fine with it if we could get a ride, since we were both on campus at this point, heading to Tandoori Oven to eat. But I received no more replies after 20h40, so I figured they all decided to go without us and/or they were mad/upset at me for ditching them or leaving already <_<

I felt bad. But when I had initially decided to go eat with my friends, I was feeling worse that Shiva would be by herself. And I thought, "If I'm gonna be with my friends and thinking about Shiva eating alone or not at all, I'm gonna be worried all night, and I don't know how much fun I'll have."

And honestly, this was an afterthought that occurred when I was trying to go to sleep Friday night: I want to spend as much time with Shiva as I can these next four or so months. Because after she graduates in May, I have no idea when I will actually get to hold her again. We'll probably end up in a long-distance relationship, and I just wanna see her when I can and make our moments together last as long as possible....


So Kat, Ariane, and Andrew, I don't know if you read this, but I'm sorry for bailing on you at the last minute. Sorry, Kat, since it was my last chance to see you before you went back to Harvard. It was messed up on my part 'cause I said I'd go and then I didn't. I hope you don't think I didn't hang out with you just because she's my girlfriend. That wasn't it. I really did try to think this through and find what all the pros and cons were for all the decisions. In the end, I figured that it would be better if everyone was with someone, even if it wasn't with everyone they had wanted. Yeah, I probably could have done things better, but I didn't. Sorry if it upset you, but I made my decision to go. I don't regret it. And I hope you guys had fun that night without me.


So yeah, I hung out with Shiva. We talked. She shared a lil bit about what happened at Leadership Today, the retreat she went on. The first thing she told me about, how she introduced the topic made me stop and sweat a little because I thought someone had gotten seriously injured and she mentioned a name of a professor I know. But what had happened was not as tragic but still really terrible. And it had impacted Shiva greatly, as did the rest of the retreat...

Before she shared more about LT, we went to eat at The Tandoori Oven. Saag paneer and cholay bhature (looked it up on their website just now). Definitely can't read or pronounce any of that well, but that's ok XD Tasty. Took some of both home.

The rest of the night, because I hadn't received any more texts, I was worried that my friends were angry at me ;-; especially since I've never had this kinda conflict before and stuff. Shiva was worried that my friends would dislike her because they'd think she took me away from them (Same thing's happened to her in regard to me. I'm still not that well-liked, I guess heh <_<;). I assured her that if that's what they thought, I would tell them the truth that I had decided on my own without any influence from her. I had even initially told her that I was gonna eat with my friends. But anyway, I tried to reassure Shiva that my friends wouldn't dislike her for Friday because she wasn't the one who decided what I was going to do.

After that, we just laid in bed and talked. Or mostly Shiva did. LT was good for her :) I'm so glad. She had been worried about it, but it turned out to be "life-inspiring" as she put it. I was really happy to hear it.

And I'm just gonna say that the conversation in her room that night, along with all our other conversations during the night, made my night better :3 I was surprised and confused XD I didn't know what to say or think. I was just like O_O I'm still not sure haha XD Kinda. I dunno. I don't think I'm thinking enough haha. Wasn't sure what to think. But I know I was happy :)

Went to sleep pretty early. But I woke up soon after, thinking and worrying. I didn't get much sleep >_> Was thinking about how to apologize and stuff like that. But eventually I realized all I could apologize for was the not showing up when I said I would. No apologizing for not leaving Shiva to be by herself. No apologizing for all the good stuff that happened Friday night. I can't explain the good things, but it just made me really happy.

Saturday, we woke up kinda early. Shiva had planned to go with Michelle W to the mall because Michelle wanted someone to accompany her as she got a naval piercing. Shiva wanted me to stay in her room to sleep -_- Instead, I tagged along.

Michelle drove us to Valley Fair. Went to the body piercing shop, Body Jewelz, I think. Checked out the piercings and stuff. Then when Michelle got her piercing, Shiva and I recorded it and her reaction on two cameras XD So funny. The guy who did the piercing was nice and funny, making fun of us XP We know the three of us don't look older than 18 haha.

After the piercing, Shiva and I bought a caramel pecanbon from Cinnabon. Tasty, but so unhealthy. Michelle drove us back to campus. Shiva and I spent the rest of the day in her dorm. For some reason, the order of the things we did isn't in my head o_o;

I remember watching "Iron Man 2." It wasn't very good. The plot wasn't all that interesting. The final fight scene was so quick. I was hoping it would redeem some of the movie, but it didn't. The main villain wasn't very convincing either. I dunno. The movie was off, didn't enjoy it as much as I enjoyed the first movie.

I also remember eating leftover cholay bhature. The frame of my glasses broke. Shiva fixed it with tape <_< so I look more like a geek now (When I went home on Sunday, I actually re-taped it. So I probably look a little geekier). Shiva talked about LT some more. Sadly, I can't remember what else we did Saturday other than talk and stuff.

Sunday, we were awoken by a early morning phone call from Shiva's aunt. Learned that Shiva's paternal grandfather had died. Her aunt was trying to reach Shiva's dad. I couldn't do anything but hold Shiva. I didn't know what to say. I haven't experienced the death of someone close to me, unless you count Earl. But anyway, yeah, we were awake then. Shiva talked about her grandfather. I listened, hoping I knew what I could say. Nothing really came out.

I fell back to sleep, and Shiva left the room. I woke an hour later, and Shiva wasn't back. So I walked out to the living room, and she was there, using her computer. I sat with her. We looked at textbook prices. She's got 11 books she needs for her classes next semester. So fun <_<

Watched "The Kids Are All Right." Not what we expected. Much more sex than we liked. Thought the movie would be more family-focused, but no. The only character Shiva and I felt sympathy for was Nic. But other than that, we thought the characters were underdeveloped. I think the ending was a quick, "happy" ending. Closure, but not real closure.

After the movie, we took a bus to Safeway, since Shiva had almost no food in her kitchen. Earlier, I had called Mother to ask her to pick us up from Safeway. I told her it would take at least an hour and a half in Safeway for us to get stuff, but she misunderstood me. So while Shiva and I were in Safeway, Mother and D came an hour early. Mother kept calling me, asking if we were done. We were not. She was getting frustrated. So I had to cut the grocery shopping short. Mother came into the store to look for us too -_- Went and paid for everything. Went out to the car. D was driving because Mother didn't know the area. Drove back to campus. Helped Shiva carry all the stuff back up. Then left.

In the car, Mother just yelled at me for helping my friends too much. "Why are you so good to your friends? One day, they're going to turn on you. They won't help you when you really need them to. They haven't helped you with anything. How could you ignore our family and help your friends? Don't you care about us? You're just gonna ignore us and let our house be destroyed." She said things like this, among other negative things I care not to mention. While she's spilling all this babble, I was just thinking, "Well, when I do help you, all you do is get mad at me for not doing it all the time or not doing it correctly. Then you yell at me to stop and you do it yourself. So what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to just stick around, do things for you while you talk about how lazy, unhelpful, or ungrateful I am, and be happy about how much good I'm doing for the family?"

I know I'm probably in the wrong for some of the things I do. But being angry and yelling at me all the time isn't gonna help me make 'better' decisions. It just makes me wish other things would happen..


I know I probably focused more on the negative stuff. But trust me, there were a lot of positives this weekend. I just can't help but feel like the good stuff that happen to me tend to end in negative crap.

There were good times this weekend. Little to no worries. I can't explain how things were good. I'm so bad with words haha. But the conversations, the words, were unexpected but really good.

Oh haha, Shiva's been trying to convince me that I should go to Leadership Today next year. I'll think about it. I had kinda wanted to go to this year's retreat, but the timing just didn't work out. Hopefully, next year's timing will be better. I wouldn't mind being inspired, you know. But who knows if I will be? I have a hard time believing in inspiration.


But anyway, yeah, that was my weekend. Kinda. Ups and downs. Trying to focus on the ups, but the downs have weight.

Not sure what I mean by my title anymore haha. Just something from inside my head... There are no explanations there right now haha.

Twelfth Night... Steampunk-style...

So this past Saturday evening, Shiva, Brian, Marian, and I went to the University Theatre to watch the play Twelfth Night, steampunk-style :O

We, excluding Brian, walked in the pouring rain across campus XP I stepped in a deep puddle. Wet socks T-T Came a few minutes before the start of the show, but managed to get seats in the third row :D because a girl generously moved over for the four of us.

The play was entertaining. Though, much more physically vulgar than I'd like. A lot of pelvic thrusting and stuff. One of the things I like about Shakespearean plays is that the crude jokes remain crude jokes, not necessarily to be acted out. The way I see it is if you get the dirtiness of the joke, then you get it. If not, then oh well. I don't want physical gestures to tell me what I already understand -__-

Anyway, the acting was good. I liked Festes :P He was silly. He rapped and sang XD And all the characters danced. There were some scenes in which some characters walked or danced silently o_o I wasn't sure what to make of those. Interpretive dance? -shrug-

The scene where Olivia and Cesario/Viola kiss was not unexpected, yet it was. I thought the actresses would pretend to kiss, but they actually kissed :O

Um, what else did I think? Oh, Orsino looked gross >_> I think it was the combination of his messy hair and bristly beard. Did not look attractive to me. His posse, however, was cool haha. They were a bunch of female thugs (or well, one or two were playing guys).

Hm, since this was the last show, the actors and actresses seemed to have all their lines down. Didn't notice any moments where someone got stuck at a line. I think at one point someone almost rolled off the stage :O Instead, they managed to just kick a skull or something off the stage.

Oh haha, I recognized one or two of the actors from about two years ago, I think :P The guy who played Sebastian had played the role of a son in Death of a Salesman.


Anyway, that was fun. The four of us walked back across campus. Shiva tried to pull me into giant puddles. The Seventh Street Plaza had like three huge puddles. Ponds. Mini lakes XP I tricked Shiva into stepping into one XD Shiva and Brian play-fought, ran around and stuff.

Shiva, Marian, and I went to 7-11 to rent some movies. Went back to Shiva's. Made DiGiorno pizza and breadsticks. Breadsticks, awesome; pizza, meh, could have been better. Watched "Jonah Hex." I thought it was going to be a good movie 'cause I had read good things about it. But it was not that amazing -_- Waste of a dollar. Sorry. Thought it was gonna be about a guy on a bounty-hunting mission. It technically was, I guess, I dunno, but it wasn't exciting.

Went to sleep. The next day, Sunday, Shiva and I went to a queer-dance committee meeting. Ironed out some details. Date set for February 24 at 8PM. Anyone 18 and over can attend. Theme: Red/White/Black or suits of playing cards :)

After that, Shiva and I watched "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." It was entertaining, gross, exciting, and not as good as we had expected. But it was still worth the dollar haha. We plan to watch the second and third movie -nodnod- I think we'll learn more about the main character in the second movie. Also, she looks pretty cool XP Her character is troubled but likable. Though, a few of the things she does is blehhh -_- But Shiva and I agree that we both like the part where she tattoos a guy -nodnodnod- :P


So that was the weekend. Today was ok. Not much happened, except I found out that I don't have 100W on Wednesday, which means I can escort Shiva on the light rail to the airport :P Should probably not bring much stuff to school on Wednesday.

Have quite a bit of work to do this weekend. Two papers and lots of reading, it seems. Have to do the papers this weekend even though they're both due on the last two days of school. Why? Because I signed up to present on my papers next Monday and Tuesday to get them out of the way. Also, signing up early should encourage me to finish my papers early -nodnodnod- I hope so XD It would be sad if I didn't finish my papers this weekend.

Anything else? Anyone coming home to SJ this weekend? Though, I'm not sure how free I will be to hang out. I will try. Not going Black Friday shopping, sorry. Don't ask me to go to that. I don't want to buy anything nor risk my life for materialism XP haha. Hope no one dies on Friday >_>

Oh, just found out an ST student died yesterday. A junior cheerleader named Jordan. Alcohol was involved. Five students (two ST cheerleaders, three OG boys) crammed into a RAV4. The other four were injured (broken bones and such). I dunno what's gonna happen to the other cheerleader or how she's gonna deal with this because she was the one driving. Anyway, RIP Jordan. Even though I never met you, I know you'll be greatly missed.

People, don't drink and drive. Or rather, drink responsibly please.


Well, that's all I've got to say. Later!

Kids can be pretty amazing sometimes...

This past week has been all right. Fun times. Not so fun times. It's all balanced out.

Yesterday was Brian's birthday. He rejected my birthday hug D: But eh, we have pictures. Though, I suppose I look like I was trying to rape him >_>

I'm not really doing much during my weeks, but I also feel like so much happens O_o I just can't remember everything. And there are things I wish people would forget -_- Like how ticklish I get when it's too hot out. Heat. Ugh. Tickling, not fair, it was two against one. Brian and Shiva, you're horrible people DX

Haha I nearly knocked Brian's laptop to the ground XP Too much tickling.

Anyway, seriously, it's been sooo hot D: I can't stand it. Too much body heat buildup T-T


Hmm, some interesting news articles and other stuff:

Amazing kids

What's with the TV channel glitches?

Big screens are awesome

Cats can learn dog tricks too :P

Harrison just showed me this. It's pretty awesome too.


Mm, so today, I remembered Earl. I was talking to Stephanie H on the light rail about nursing homes and hospitals, and somehow Earl came up. Mm. Anyway, when I was home, Mother started talking about Milton (I think he's about 90 now), who used to drive Brother and me to school.

Mother and I were remembering deaths. She seems to find out about people's deaths soon enough to make it to their funerals:

Earl: We found out within a week of his death and paid our respects to him just before his funeral. First and last time I had ever seen a corpse. I still remember. I cried so hard. I couldn't stop crying for a long time. That was one of the hardest days of my life. Every time I think about it, I always wish life had happened differently. I wish I could have talked to him one more time before he died. All I can do is wish for things that cannot happen.

Mary (Milton's daughter): Mother found out a few days before her funeral and attended it. I didn't go because Mother didn't want me to go to a funeral (this was before Earl's death, I think) and I hadn't really been close to Mary either.

Lam: He was the guy we always called to come clean our carpets XP We had used his services for at least fifteen years, I think. He had died about a month after the last time we saw him. Mother heard about his death about two or three days after it happened. She attended his funeral.

Hoang: When Mother visited Viet Nam in 2006, one of her neighbors/cousins came over to her family's house to talk to her because it had been thirteen years since Mother was last there. They talked all night. Hoang went home to sleep. The next morning, news came that he had died in his sleep. Again, Mother attended the funeral.

You know, I think I listed them in reverse chronological order :P Oh well.

I don't know why I'm updating about this, especially since they were all quite old and mostly Mother's peers. It's just remembering Earl. His death has been the only death to really affect me, even if I hadn't seen or spoken to him for six years. All the other deaths belonged to people who were practically strangers to me.


I really, really wish I could hug Earl right now. Ahaha, now I'm crying. I need to stop.


Anyway, lots of homework to catch up on this weekend. Yeaah. Fun. Will try to get most of it done tomorrow. At least all the reading stuff. Yeah, I don't think I'll be able to make it to either of the birthday celebrations this weekend :/ I want to go to one, but I'd feel bad for going to one and not the other >_< Ahhh. And they're both so far away. Neither of them are in SJ. Phooie! XP


And today, I realized I talk about the strangest things with people, especially Harrison. I mean, I thought my conversations with Brian and Shiva were weird enough. But Harrison and I just take that shit to another level O_O Who woulda thunk... that that was possible? That I'd be comfortable talking about some things with a guy that I see once a week for about an hour. Haha and I haven't rejected his hugs XP Strange/funny how I treat each of my friends differently. And like I've mentioned before, there really seems to be an inverse relationship between the frequency of hugs and the frequency of chill times :P (I don't know the right term to use haha).


Yeah, ok. Done with being repetitive for tonight.

Today was not a happy day :(

When I was in my AAS class, I realized that I wasn't wearing my ring. So I checked my pockets and the area around me. No ring. I started thinking back through my morning to try to figure out where my ring might be. And, gosh, I really don't like being forgetful.

I had my ring on when I was eating breakfast. I took it off and put it in my pocket, so that I could wash the dishes. I sit down and read my book for ten minutes. It's time to leave. I get up. I put my wallet in my backpack. I put my headphones around my neck and my iPod in my pocket, the one with the ring in it.

This is where I don't remember if I put the ring back on or if I even took it out of my pocket :(

But either way, I'm still missing a ring. If I put it back on, that means it fell off my finger. If I left it in my pocket, it fell out of my pocket. Either way, it's my fault.

Because of this ring, I couldn't focus on the history video about Thomas Jefferson. And then I kept messing up in dance class :( Just not a good day.

That ring kinda meant something to me. I mean, it's not so important that I'm gonna die without it (though, Mother might beg to differ because it's been "blessed"). I've had that ring for at least two years. My brother has a matching ring that he doesn't wear anymore. Mm, I just really liked that ring because it was simple. Mm..

Also, I was freaking out because I knew Mother would not be in the least ok with this.

When I told her about the ring, she just looked at me like she was thinking, "Are you fucking kidding me? You lost something else??" Mind you, I don't lose things too often, maybe just once or twice a year. But I guess that's more often than she or Tony lose things. I mean, she loses a lot of things, but they're usually around the house, so it's ok. This, I probably lost outside the house, so very little chance of it turning up.

But, seriously, I was hoping (futilely, as always) that she would at least be grateful that I was honest. I could have kept quiet about it, and she would not have known. I could have lied and said someone stole it, and she wouldn't blame me. But no, because I was honest, she blamed me. I already felt guilty about losing the ring, and I knew telling her would make me feel guiltier (she's just that good). I told her anyway, and of course I feel guiltier than ever. Should be happy that I tell her anything.

But no, I tell her the truth, I'm on the way to "becoming my brother," which doesn't make any sense because he always lied and got caught in his lies. He never came clean about anything unless he was arrested or Mother found a flaw in his stories. Me, I tell her the truth almost immediately, and I get the same treatment Tony does. Ugh, what's the point of being honest if it ends the same? Might as well lie, avoid punishment as much as possible.

But nooo, my morals had to kick in during high school -__- and they're still here. **Can you tell I question my morals a lot?

I'm tagging this entry as "lost items" because I feel like I'm going to lose a lot of things in the future. I've lost things in the past, of course, but I don't remember what they are.


So anyway, I couldn't focus in school today. Just arghh.. But hey, MJ music played during dance class, so I got into that. Lifted my spirits a little. And I think Tatiana and I got like half our choreo down, so that's good.


Let's see. When I was waiting for Mother to pick me up from the light rail station, a girl asked to use my cell phone. She couldn't reach whomever she was calling. She thanked me, handed back my phone, and started walking home. Mother came. As we were about to leave the parking lot, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I asked the caller if he had just gotten a call from this number. He said yes. So I told my mom to stop the car. I got out and ran after the girl. She talked on the phone for a few minutes and then thanked me again. I told her I didn't want her to have to walk home in the cold, and then I ran back to the car.

That was my good act for the day. Or week. I've no idea. But it made me feel good. I'm surprised Mother didn't yell at me for helping the girl out. You know, being a Good Samaritan will eventually land me in court. Whatever. If I wanna help people, I will. If they act like bitches about it, then so be it. Nothing hanging on my conscience.

I like it like this. Helping people when they ask for it. I'm not so much into organized aid. I'm for it, for sure, but I jus don't commit to things. But help that is random, spontaneous, and so on and so forth is what I like to do. Just give me my lil bits of good will, and I'll be happy.

And yes, this was a trivial incident, but still I felt good about myself, despite the awkwardness of knowing that I ran after a stranger just so she could get a phone call :P


Anyway, just found out from Mother, who found out from Brother, that one of our former neighbors (from Le's neighborhood next to the fire station) died on Friday in a head-on collision with a tree. Don't know details, but Mother is assuming that he was drinking and driving.

Even though we parted from that neighborhood on bad terms, I will still say RIP Luan. I think that's his name, I never really talked to him. But I always thought he was a nice guy, even if he hung out with the dudes that turned their backs on my brother.

Man, I can't believe this is the closest I've been to anyone's death. People close to my family have died, but when they died, I hadn't seen them in years. So I can't really say I knew them well enough. Not this guy. Not even Earl, who was like my best friend.

I guess you could say that I'm "lucky" that no one really close to me has died. But that just means I'll have a harder time dealing with it when the time comes.

I don't know. I feel like crazy shit happens after I leave people. Yeah, I have friends who were nearly kidnapped, raped, or beaten (excluding family shit). But I'm not sure how many I know who have been so so close to death, other than Brother. I mean, I know most of my friends are too smart to drink and drive. I know most of them don't hang out with the type of crowd that could easily get them killed. But then I hear about friends from my past who have been shot at, who've gone to jail or prison for dumb shit, who just DO stupid shit that keeps them close and cuddly with the Grim Reaper.

Maybe I should be grateful that that's not where I'm from anymore. But I don't know. I feel like if I had stayed, maybe I could have changed shit, prevented the stupidity. I don't think I would have stood around while my friends fucked up their lives. Or maybe I would have. Maybe I would have joined them.


Ugh, life is just... hard. I think about the what if's too much. I say RIP too much, for the people I don't know but still think about. Sometimes, I wish I would stop thinking about people. It gets lonely.

Another lost soul?

The latest in the apparent Palo Alto suicides. RIP.

Life is hard enough without thinking about those who suffer. We have to hear about those who can't fight the suffering. Reading and hearing about these kinda stories makes me stop and think about who I couldn't help.

Life's too short. Life ends. Sooner or later. Most of us would prefer later. Sometimes, I think about the suicides and wonder...


Anyway, today, I read Plato's Apology for my Philosophy class. It's interesting. Makes me rethink my perspective on life and death a little bit. For the most part, I agree with the points. I never could say death was good or bad, just that it is what it is.

You know, I don't think I'd ever really tell just anyone what I think of life, death, and the in-betweens. You would think I was sick. You would think that I need help. Maybe. We wouldn't want that to happen, would we?

Yay, Widmer :P

Yesterday, I woke up early to drive Mother to Stockton. Not a fun trip.

Drove back in time to visit the Brother at 1600.

Ate dinner at D's place.

Went home to get ready to go to Angelica's house. I still haven't really met her haha, but Randy invited me because Le told him to. Yeah, fun stuff.

Le gave me a ride :)

People who showed up: Alex O, Randy, Le, Andrew, Cathy, Nancy, Julian, Kiet, Nick S, Ariel, Alvin, Ashley, Randy's suitemate Andy, Ariane, her dance members Jae-Ar and Melfred, Alex's cousin Raul(?), and two guys that I didn't talk to XP

Nick showed me where the last Widmer Hefeweizen was hiding in the fridge ^_^ Haha finally, someone else who drinks wheat beer. Everyone else prefers pale ale or lagers. Or just not beer haha.

Anyway, watched two matches of beer pong before Le took me home at midnight. Nancy, beginner's luck, yeah? Crazy good skills hahaha. Andy is pretty damn awesome at beer pong too. Lots of practice in the dorms haha.


When I went home, my face was flushed, and Mother asked if I drank alcohol. I said there was major game-playing going on. You know how we teenagers get excited when playing games haha.

I haven't had a beer in like a month. Last time was when Tony left a bottle open in the fridge and then got arrested XP

Haha anyway, fun time last night, and it wasn't because I was drunk. I wasn't even drunk. I don't think I was even tipsy. Just really, really warm. Only thing I don't like about drinking (in the summer) is it makes me burn up. Winter drinking, fine, fun. Summer drinking, I need to watch myself.

Oh yeah, Mother was happy and surprised that I was home last night :P See? She can trust me somewhat.


This afternoon (I woke up at 1230 heh), we ate lunch (more like my breakfast) and talked about the past (we do this often). Then we talked about life insurance and such. I have a mental list of the things I want to keep. It includes the dinner table and the chairs. Not for their worth, but for the memories. They're almost as old as I am.

Lots of preparation and anticipation of years to come. And deaths and more. I'm not thinking about it, but Mother is trying to plan ahead :/ Yeah, realistic. I don't want to be realistic right now. But we only started talking about these things because we were talking about Michael Jackson's will -_- Will --> Life insurance --> Debts --> Keepsakes, etc... Don't want the government taking things that mean something to us.

OMG MJ kicked the bucket!

No, not Michael Jordan. The MJ: Michael Jackson. Heart attack.

Yeah. Everyone's talking about it. Now, I've talked about it. Yay, I've conformed.


So went to visit Tony today. Got to Elmwood at about 1300. Tony was moved from maximum to minimum. Thus, our visit was cancelled. Had to wait in a long line to reschedule. Some guy cut in front of us. Or the people in front of us let him. We were second to go to the window before the guy cut in line. He had been at the window ten minutes earlier. He wanted to fix a mistake in his appointment papers.

Mother was not happy. She tried to tell him and the people in front of us off. They just smiled, laughed (at her), and said, "One minute. It will take just one minute."

Mother proceeded to stereotype the people in front of us in Vietnamese (I stereotyped them in my mind). I tried to calm her down. No point in saying shit since that won't do anything productive.

Mother: Mexicans. They're all the same. They only help each other and screw everyone else who isn't Mexican. I used to tell them off when I was in college because they kept trying to con me. They're always the same, even now. They have no respect for anyone. They just do what they want. You know, they used to bully Vietnamese people. They still do. They're no good. yada yada yada.

Me: Mom, forget it. It's just one person.

I didn't want her to make a scene. The people behind us weren't happy either, but they didn't say anything. Besides, Mother was stereotyping the Mexicans' respect. I stereotyped their gang relations. At the least, I didn't want to go out to our car to find that it had been keyed. Some people are just that vindictive and bitchy when someone bitches them out.

Anyway, I'm sure the people in front of us were laughing at us 'cause we couldn't do anything. They kept looking back, pointing, laughing, and speaking in Spanish. Though I can't understand what they were saying, I could understand their tone and facial expressions. Not always that difficult to read the face of an insulting person.

Anyway, we rescheduled for tomorrow at 1400. Mother said this will probably be the last time we visit him because she doesn't want to deal with people at Elmwood.

Egh, Mother spent the rest of the time and the ride home bitching about Mexicans. And me. She bitched at me because I had tried (and failed) to calm her down. Ugh. I hate confrontations. What the fuck else am I going to do? Start shit?

She always does this. She's mad at one person, and she takes it out on everyone else. That's what she does with stereotyping, and that's what she does with me. Fucking sucks.

Mother. Brother. Only two people I have ever truly been angry with. I'm not even angry at the guy who cut in the line. Well, I was a little mad. Not because he did it, but because he made my mom angry. More trouble for me than for anyone else -_-

But that's all I'm saying about that.


Hmm, so today, I was supposed to go to Eastridge with Claudia. I got to the parking lot at 1600. Called and texted her to find out where she was. I waited in my car because I don't like being in the mall alone, waiting. I'd rather wait alone in my car in the heat.

Close to 1620, I decided to go in to Eastridge and look for her just in case her phone died or something. When I was inside, she finally texted back. She thought we were hanging out tomorrow -__- And she was grounded just before 1600. So the movies were a bust. Oh well, we'll try again next week.

So that was about 1645. I spent the next half hour or so just texting a few people to chill. I couldn't remember who had texting haha. So I chose a few people to text: Ariane, Le, Robert, Monterey. Ariane had to study for her English final. Le didn't reply. Robert had just gotten home from kickboxing. Monterey was home, yay!

But she moved! :O It took a while for me to find her apartment. Lives with her dad now. Cool.

Stayed there for about an hour. Talked. Not a whole lot of conversation haha.

Monterey kept getting texts about MJ's death though :P haha I found out through a text from Maggie around 1500. Anyway, Monterey doesn't care. Neither do I. Yay. Life and death. Nothing surprising.

Though, when I told my mom, she just said, "Good. He died at a good time. If he had survived, he would have a big medical bill that he couldn't afford." Mother, oh, always thinking of the practicality haha.

Anyway, I saw David (Monterey's dad) when he came home. Wow, changed. No more clean-cut. Peppered pony-tail. Smells like pot or something haha :P We talked a little bit. Then I left when they left at 1900.

I could have tried to call someone else to hang out. I was allowed to be out till about 2100. But oh well, I went home.

Told Mother that the movies were sold out, so my friend went home, and I decided to go see Monterey. She was ok with that. Partly because I was home early. And it's Monterey, my childhood friend from when I was in sixth grade haha.

Aside from Le and Kat, Monterey is probably the only other name I may mention so that I may go out. I haven't tested that hypothesis, but I'm pretty sure of it.


Oh, so I knew I've been forgetting to mention something in my blog for the past week or so. Mother wants to move again.

Her reasons... superstition and paranoia. Nothing new. So she's looking for a new place. We'll probably move back into an apartment. Not too many two-bedroom houses around, you know. Like the one we're living in. Very rare.

So if you hear of any two-bedroom places for rent (and accepts Housing), let me know. We're hoping to move north of our current position. Almost all the houses we've lived in have been in SSSJ. We move any further south, we'll probably end up in Morgan Hill or Gilroy.

As long as we're close to a light rail stop, it's all good.


Hmm, I think that's all I wanted to say. I'm not sure. Mm...

How do you know one of your friends isn't suicidal?

I've been reading forums and stuff. There are a lot of people who make fun of those who commit or attempt suicide. They laugh and call them names. It pisses me off.

People need help.


If you're one of those who laugh, why? What's so funny about people who can't cope with their pain? What if one of your closest friends were having thoughts about suicide? Would you still be laughing? You might say none of your friends think those kinds of thoughts, but how would you know? You're too busy making fun of people to notice anything's wrong. And if your friend really does have those thoughts, why would he turn to you if he thinks you're gonna laugh at him too?

Depression can happen to anyone. Just because it doesn't affect you doesn't mean that everyone else it affects is weak or is a loser or whatever. They've got problems, and they need help. Your friends need your help. (Btw, I see everyone as a potential friend. When you turn someone away because you think they're weak, then you are weak because you don't have the strength to help them.)


There are also people who say that the suicidal are self-centered or attention-whores. Some, maybe. Not all. If they wanted attention, the suicidal wouldn't succeed in killing themselves. Attention after death isn't really worth a damn to the dead. They're dead. For some people, they just want to get away from their pain. That's understandable. When we're in pain, we try to get away from the pain. You touch something that burns, you jerk your hand away immediately. That's a given. When life feels painful, death is the easiest "reaction."

I guess, we could also say that some suicides are to get attention, who really knows? Yeah, we have psychologists who might say that; but these are just assumptions or theories (A lot of what we say about things is assumption or theory, not undeniable truth). Attention, yeah, people might want others to finally notice their pain but only after they die. I don't know, seems to me that it depends on how and where they choose to die. Like, if they commit suicide in a public area, like a school, they seem to really want to say, "I couldn't take it anymore. See this? I'm dead. It's your/someone else's fault."

Of course, I'm just stating what I think. I don't know for sure. I've never known anyone who committed suicide. At least I don't think I have.

And it seems people tend to choose their final resting place to be where they experienced most of their pain. It seems rare that they choose to die where they felt at peace when they were alive. Of course, I'm only basing this off of the stories that have been publicized in the newspapers and such.

"Self-centered." Yeah. I guess we could call them that. They're only thinking about their pain. They're not thinking about other people's pain. But apparently, other people aren't thinking about the pain of the suicidal either. Emotional or psychological pain could be just as bad as the physical pain that people in third world countries endure. How would you know? Do you know the pain that either groups of people experience? The emotional, psychological, or physical? How can you compare one person's pain to another's?

People have different pain tolerances. Some people would prefer emotional pain to physical. Others, vice versa. You cannot say one person's suffering is worse than another's. You can't even say that one person's suffering is non-existent. Who are you to decide who really is feeling pain or not? It's not your pain. No one can decide your pain, so you shouldn't be saying crap about others'.


Sorry, I can't get everything out of my head onto the screen... ahh...


If we could prevent every possible suicide, would this be a happier world? Who knows? Would the pain all go away?

If we don't prevent suicides, would this be a happier world? Who knows? Happy people would stay alive, yeah? Wouldn't that be happier?


We all die sooner or later. What's so wrong about dying sooner rather than later? "You have your whole life ahead of you." What does that mean? Do you mean it when you say it?


Ahh, I give up. I don't know where I'm going with this. I started off being ticked about the mockers and the idiots. I just wished they would listen before they start insulting people they don't know. Mock your friends because your friends understand you. Don't mock strangers, they might kill you.

Happy Friday the 13th.

I was going to go watch a movie today with Claudia G and her friends, but it turned out that I didn't have a ride -_- What luck.


I just read a few articles about the Flight 3407 crash in New York last night. Tragedy. 49 people on the plane and a man on the ground were killed. The man was in his house with his wife and daughter. The ladies got out safely.

Is it just me or are we starting to hear a lot more about plane crashes lately? Ok, maybe not more. But I mean, the Flight 1549 fall was a "miracle," but that happened just a month ago. The short span of time in between is a little unnerving. Apparently, the last deadly commercial plane crash was in 2006. Two years. There's a big perceived difference between 2 years and 1 month. Obviously, it doesn't affect the chances, but it still scares people more when two airplanes fall within a small period of time.

Still, people have estimated the chances of dying in a plane crash to be about 1 in 11 million, or so I've heard. Such a round number, don't you think? I wonder how people got to this probability. Again, I'm thinking, "Ok. I've got numbers, but they won't protect me from my chances of dying." But hey, if numbers make you feel safe, then stick to the numbers.

Ah, there was also an article in which two would-be 3407 passengers were interviewed about their "close call." Yes, it's great they didn't get on the plane and die. They should be grateful to be alive, as should everyone else every day, right? Riight. It's not luck; it's chance.

Every time I hear people say they were lucky or something like that, I just want to shake them and say, "You were lucky for a moment, not a lifetime." For all we know, we could survive something one minute and die from something else the next. Not very (good) lucky. Bad luck, right? Good and bad luck can fluctuate so easily, whether you're a good person. No. I don't think so. It's not luck.

Luck has lost its meaning to me. I still try to remember what it used to mean to me: "increased" chances of something (good or bad) happening. But what does that matter? We wish people luck (mostly good, I hope) all the time. Does an explicit sentence of goodwill really increase another person's chances of doing better or getting something good? I don't know maybe. If only the world really worked that way. We'd be getting what we want based on the number of good friends we have and good people we meet, who really do wish the best for us. What a great life that would be.

Now, why did I start talking about luck again? Hmm. Oh yeah, I don't really know, but I get confused by people sometimes. Now, I'm not going to diss religion. I'm actually going to diss the believers.

Why do some people thank God for their good fortunes but blame themselves or other people for their misfortunes? I think God, if he exists, should receive either both blame and praise or neither. Believers make their God seem so arrogant. He only deserves praise? Really? Not much better than some people here on Earth.

And if you are so lucky and loved by God, what about the other people who don't live long enough to thank him? Are they not as lucky or as loved? You really think you're better than them? When people say things like "God was watching over me," it makes me wonder why he didn't watch over the others. So it seems like he doesn't control death, but he can negotiate your life. Hmm. What makes you so much more important to him than other people?

I used to believe in God. Not the religious, by-the-Bible kind of God. Just a god, a somebody to talk to when I was younger, who would know my problems without making me explain everything. It would just understand, be there for me, and help me make the "right" decisions. Sometimes, it would be in my head; other times, in my books or my pillow. Maybe, it would be an imaginary friend. I don't talk to it as much anymore. Of course, a nonbeliever could just say that I've been talking to myself all these years. Who knows? Maybe I was a very imaginative and creative child with a split personality that "faded" away. The point is God was somebody I talked to, not someone who controlled my life.

What I realized over the past few years of my life is that there's a difference between the God people want and the God that people need. The one we want is one to make the rules, to tell us what we should and shouldn't do, and to look up to. Or maybe that was Christ. Sorry, I used to confuse the two until about the 7th grade when I heard that Jesus was supposed to be the son of God. Yeah, I got it, but I still forget who was supposed to do what sometimes.

Anyway, the God we need is one whom we can talk to and reason with. Obviously, it's going to be a one-sided argument. But its "presence" is supposed to reassure us that we are doing and will do well in our lives. It will always listen without judging us. However, apparently, God does judge us, so hmm, maybe I've been talking to the wrong god.


Ah, I need to work on my self-expression, especially in words. I need to remember what I want to say. There's no "ending" to that^ because I forgot. So I'm just going to leave it at that haha.

Oh, so another topic from my newspaper puzzle page: either capital punishment or abortion clinics. Oh, or American freedom. Hmm. Some controversial stuff, yeah?


Capital punishment. I didn't know what that was until maybe my sophomore year in high school. I heard it all the time, but I never asked what it was. I knew what death penalty and execution meant. I mean, I watched a lot of movies, so I had to catch on. And I didn't learn what capital punishment was from my teachers either. I learned it from TV. Primarily, "Law and Order." Great show, btw.

Anyway, do I support or oppose capital punishment? I'm not 100& sure of it, but for now I support it. Why? Vindication. Murderers and serial killers might not have done anything to me personally, but that doesn't mean I don't think they deserve a death sentence. A life for a life, right? It's the law's version of saying "an eye for eye." What's the purpose of capital punishment? To prevent future threats. Obviously, it's not going to prevent or reduce all crimes. Petty thieves won't be affected. Killers will become more adept at killing and hiding. But it's a "civilized" person's way of seeking revenge. It's difficult to think that someone you know is dead because of a person and that person it still alive. So if their death can soothe a mourner, then soothe away. Right?

Besides, it's a punishment. That's what punishment is for: to dissuade people from doing things and to penalize them for doing things. A jail sentence just means they're locked away and being either "catered" to or harrassed by guards and correctional officers. Hmm, the death penalty is, well, a penalty. Of course, it's not going to have a long-lasting effect on the punished, but it will be a permanent solution. Though, I'm not sure if it's a solution. It's still just a preventative measure. And vengeance.

Hah, I should talk about vigilantism. Now, there's some crazy vengeance for ya.


Now, I'm not sure I want to say anything about abortion. Whether women should be allowed to have abortions is an issue that I tend to flip flop on a lot. Fetus, baby, unborn child, product of conception, whatever names we use... It's hard to decide. And I know, don't flip flop and choose a side. People give me shit for it. Well, sorry, geez. It's not a decision I can make on the spot. I like to think things through before I blindly commit to something.

This argument basically pits the right to choose against the right to live. A woman's right versus a fetus' life. For the sake of consistency, I'm going to use the term "fetus." "Baby" sways us toward one side, while "product of conception" leaves us open to the other.

3 debatable parts: Is the fetus a living human being? Does it have the same rights as a born person? If so, whose rights are more important, the mother's or the child's?

I think we can all agree that a woman has the right to abort when her life is in danger and there is little to no chance of the fetus surviving. Right? Or are we going to argue about the relative importance of both lives as well? And I know that people are divided about rape victims having abortions (unless it was incestuous rape).

Ok, so the crucial point of this issue is whether the fetus is considered a being in the womb. If it's alive, then abortion is murder. If it's not, then abortion should be ok because it's just a part of a woman's body. In the womb, the fetus develops its structure (nails, eyes, heart, etc). I'm not sure if the fetus breathes, but I know it can move. Some could argue that the fetus is only some living tissue within a woman. It might have its own DNA, but it can't think for itself. Hmm.

Does a fetus have rights? I mean, in the US, we say every American has the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Does a fetus on American territory have those rights given to us in the Declaration of Independence? Is it a citizen? Well, a baby becomes a citizen in the country in which it is born, not conceived. Its name isn't officially on a birth certificate until it is born. So, by law, it's not considered a citizen yet. At least not on paper. But if a mother aborts, does that mean she denies the fetus its right to become a citizen and therefore denies its rights to those written rights? Oh, so confusing.

Whose rights are more important? I'm not gonna detail all the possible reasons a woman would abort. There's too many possibles. So, who has the primary right? What is the primary right, if any? We pretty much consider every right to be equal in weight (probably why these kinds of issues are so difficult to deal with). The woman is a citizen. The fetus may or may not be considered a citizen. I'm not sure I could reason this part out. So I say, "?"

Also, I do hope people know that banning abortion won't stop abortions from happening. Just because something's illegal doesn't mean it's not gonna happen. We have laws against murder. There are still murders happening in every state. If abortion is completely banned, some women probably will resort to desperate measures to abort.

And yeah, there's the adoption option, but it's not always an appealing one. I'm not going into it though. Too much about it that I'm sure I don't know.

I'm not even going to get into whether the father has a say or not. That just complicates this issue, and it's also its own separate issue. It's like the product of abortion and custody issues. And that can get ugly.

And why do we call it an abortion? Gosh, sounds like we're quitting a computer program or something, but I guess it is technically an appropriate term. A premature termination. Mm.


The freedom thing will come another time. Maybe. Well, I basically wanted to say that "freedom isn't free" is a good quote. It can mean a lot of things, but we know what it means to each of us. When born, we have "human rights." I'm not sure, but our "human rights" have been determined by the higher council. Ultimately, though, I think human rights in essence are our rights to do whatever we want, can, and choose. But to be defined as "human," we give up the right to murder in order to keep the right to live. Being citizens of a nation, we give up rights to trespass and to steal for the rights to have privacy and to keep our possessions. We give up some rights to keep other rights in tact. Of course, we know some people don't live by "our rules" and live by their own. Yada yada yada. I'll continue some other time. Maybe.


^All opinion. Mostly not completely developed. I need to do some more reading, listening and learning about the topics.